Original subtitles

Okay, so she lost another part. Hmm, wonder why. She's not going to be in a

good mood today.

No, I already heard she was throwing creamers at the girls.

So, here's what I was thinking. Yeah. Because I have shit to do tonight. Well,

I don't want to edit either. I have to take adult bicycle lessons so that my

son will finally respect me.

See, that's, like, really important for you to connect with him in that way.

Like, you can't edit tonight. The interns.

Let's make them edit.

Wait, but they hate Ruby more than we do.

We'll just tell them we'll have their t-shirt failed on.

Have I told you you're a fucking genius?

Oh, my God, thank you. Oh, my God. Well, what are you doing today?

Well, we got a fucking snowmobile, and there's no, like, no here, obviously.

Obviously. But, like, we want to try it.

Ruby?

Hello, ghouls and ghoulinas.

I'm Ruby, the fairest maiden of the dankest grotto in

Bakersfield, California, and your host for tonight of

Chunks.

Chunks is really, is that final?

Work can be pretty top-notch. If you're the fat cat at the top, that

is. And for the losers, you aren't. Work can be straight out of

hell.

You know, you're just filing stuff and stabling stuff and writing stuff

and typing stuff.

And sometimes you're just looking around.

And you're thinking, who am I? How the hell did I end up here?

And you're wearing a little pencil skirt and you're letting your boss cop a feel

just so you can get your Christmas bonus a little early so your little girl can

get those patent leather shoes she asked for Santa.

And you're hopping up in a box of souped up jalopy just letting his hand ride up

your skirt. I wouldn't wish work on my... worst enemy.

You should see him now.

He's just a bag of bones.

So fix your eyes and don't look away

because our next story is about a place worse than hell.

backpack. America's favorite bathroom in a backpack.

Soylent 2, this time it's dog.

Now, Risco presents The Office of Tomorrow!

Rise and shine!

Life's got your employees a bad hand.

But at least their mornings start with a royal flush.

The early bird's got his worm.

And we've got something nearly as delicious for your employees.

Time for the most important meal of the day.

And in the office of tomorrow, we feed your employees' bodies as well as their

brains.

Satisfactory. Every dapper Dan needs a freshly pressed scoop.

How about a nice smile?

Piffing.

Let's see what's happening for those on the executive track. Jockeying for

position in the company.

Giddy up.

Breakfast is the most important deal of the day.

You just might have a chance to meet the E

.E.O.

Girls these days all have motherboard issues.

They don't have a father board, and it shows.

You know what I mean? Not really, sir.

Even the best... CEO may suffer from devious employees, clacking, or even a

puny knife. But don't worry.

The Strike Blaster 5000 is on the case. Go get them, Blaster.

Like a pet, your workers require water. Luckily,

the water cooler of tomorrow brings down those pets.

It's not ready yet.

Your employees taking too long dropping dimes on company time?

Our patented Murphy toilets will fix that. Three seconds? But I have toxic

gut syndrome.

Uh-oh. Looks like you're running low on human resources.

Not to worry. Even when morale is low, business is vibrant.

All thanks to the Office of Tomorrow!

Wasn't that pure hell?

Ever been on a plane and realize you're just in a tin can, hurtling a million

miles through space, a million miles over the Earth's crusty crust, and you

look around the plane and you realize you're just in a plane full of goddamn

strangers on this goddamn plane, and who's driving this plane? Oh, it's just

the moron you're trusting with your life and you're living on a pra-

747 engines to deliver you to your dinky destination.

Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy night.

Welcome aboard Utopia Airlines.

As we prepare for departure, please direct your attention to the following

safety instructions.

Locate your seat on the aircraft by the seat assignment on your boarding pass.

That's my seat.

Is it all right if I stay here? Get out of my seat! That's my seat! It's not

yours! That's mine! Get the fuck out of my seat!

Switching seats is strictly prohibited.

Punishable by 15 to life.

Place your bags in the overhead storage compartment or underneath the seat in

front of you. Our in-flight freak will ensure they remain safe and secure.

Thanks, freak.

Sleeping is prohibited on all Utopia Air flights.

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

To keep you awake during your journey, we provide a host of in-flight

entertainment.

Be sure to check out our newest show, The Dog That Saved My Uncle and His

Friend. It's the incredible true story of the courageous dog who saved

someone's uncle and also that uncle's friend.

In the event of a pressure change, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling.

Place the mask over your mouth and breathe normally.

Excuse me.

Am I breathing normally?

If it's normal to you, it's normal to me.

Life vests are located underneath your seat.

To inflate the vest, pull down on the red tabs or blow into the flute.

And just before takeoff, we must choose who will fly the plane.

No goes.

Can I please finish my drink?

Oh, thank you very much.

There are three emergency exits on this aircraft, two in the pink and one in the

sink. In the event of a water landing, slides will inflate at these exits for a

safe evacuation.

At Utopia Airlines, we aim to ready you for every possible safety scenario.

In the event of an emergency, prepare to ask yourself.

That's it?

Now?

Should I do everything I needed to do?

Should I do everything I wanted to do?

These are my final moments on Earth.

Was it worth all the trouble?

But none of you need to worry about that, because you're already dead.

Congratulations on the end of your mortal cycle. You may not remember how

you died.

Some of you got hit by a bus.

Some of you got hit by a train.

And some of you got hit by both. I'm looking at you, Susan.

It actually felt good.

The trip to the afterlife can be confusing, painful, and a little stinky.

So we are here to escort you in comfort.

I will be your guide to and through death.

It is the sole purpose of my existence.

I was never born, and I will never die.

I may look human, but I'm anything but.

You lucky souls are on your way to your next big adventure, so please, pay close

attention while I walk you through the passing process.

Your body has three natural exits, two in the pink and one in the pink.

After you die, your soul escapes the body through these passageways.

After your soul has exited, the body ceases to be yours.

The bacteria inside your body has been patiently waiting for you to die.

Now, it's their time to shine.

But that's all going on down there. I'd like to open up the floor to a Q&A to

all the curious souls up here.

Yes, Susan?

What is the meaning of life?

Great question, Susan.

Life is a condition that distinguishes plants and animals from inorganic

matter. Oh, thank you. I always wondered what that word meant. Are we going to

heaven, or what?

In a way, yes, but not the heaven that you imagined.

You see, the human pictures a landscape of eternal bliss and happiness, but

forgets one key element, that he will be there, too, with his rotten human brain.

The human brain has three basic parts.

The frontal lobe.

The full frontal lobe.

And the wretched lobe.

This is the part of the brain that whispers to you late at night.

The part that says, No matter what you do, no matter what you have,

it will never be enough for what the fuck you call it.

Could you imagine how happy you would be without it? If you could just pop it

like a pimple and finally be free.

Unfortunately, You take this part of the brain with you. It is embedded in the

human soul.

It is the human soul.

Imagine a perfect blue sky.

Calming.

Hopeful.

But look at it for days.

For years.

For an eternity.

After long, your human eyes adjust to the color.

It becomes nothing.

It's no longer a beautiful sky.

It's just the space above your head.

The human always finds a way to be dissatisfied.

You will look eternal bliss in the eye and learn that the problem is, and

always was, you.

Heaven is exactly how you've always pictured.

Because you've been there.

You've been there many times.

And that's why we're sending you back.

Perfect Earth.

An ecosystem in harmony.

Life exists to provide life for another.

But the human thought he was above the circle of life.

He chose to bend the Earth to his will.

To take instead of give.

To separate themselves from the natural world and dream of a place called

heaven.

The human destroyed the paradise at his fingertips and imagined a better one was

waiting.

But there's not.

We're sending you back to undo what has been done.

To turn earth back into heaven.

To take what you've learned in your last existence and try again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Due to overpopulation, we're pumping out new souls every day to meet demand.

These souls are on their first lifetime, and their wretched lobes are activated.

You all serve a very important purpose, to guide and impart wisdom upon these

impressionable, foolish souls.

An easy way to identify a new soul is if they call themselves an old soul.

Congratulations, passengers. We will now begin our descent, and you will become

mortal once again.

Please place your seats in the upright position, close all tray tables, and put

away any notions of fighting your destiny.

Prepare for landing.

It is my pleasure to welcome you back to Earth. And please take a moment to sign

up for our credit card.

Thank you for flying Utopia Air. We can't wait to see you again.

Have you ever gotten a DUI before?

I mean, not in a car.

Oh. I feel like there's, like, boats.

You're not allowed to, like, drunk, but, and it's like, well, I'm sorry, how do

you drive a boat?

Yeah, I'm on a lake. What am I supposed to do?

I'm on a boat. My ex-girlfriend got a DUI. We hit a car and bounced off the

car. Oh, my God. A little girl got the DUI? Ruby, do you want some fries or

something?

Are you sure?

Every time we fucking talk, it's like, oh, this girl died.

I don't know. I'm just saying, if that many girls died in my life, I'd be in

the best of games.

Yeah, Jesus Christ. What if fucking Natalie Wood? What's going on? Oh, drunk

in a boat.

Drunk in a boat? Drunk in a boat. Drunk in a boat.

They say never play games with the devil, but you never know who's at the

table.

Luck be a lady tonight.

Cross your fingers and roll the dice.

Which way did the dice roll?

Up, down, left?

Right? Red chip, blue chip, green chip, blue chip.

Gambling is so twisted, only Dr.

Seuss' evil twin could invent this shit.

Yeah, okay, that's fine.

Tonight, our little fairy tale is about the twisted game of poker.

What's up, y'all? Welcome to my party.

Once a week, every week, forever, y'all are invited to Poker Night at my

basement slash casino.

Hi, rollers.

Hi, steaks. Hi, I'm Jay Gordon B., but you have to call me JGB. And this is

Poker Night at the Pleasure Trove.

Live from JGB's Teller Casino, I'm Flynn Fredstone, your commentary.

It's a star-studded game tonight with chess master Nadia Mayrica, rap legend

Gary the Dangerous, and a poker titan in the flesh, Bob Mub. And as always, the

hostess with the dopeness.

JGB. Thanks, Flynn. I'm here with my four best friends and some lower middle

class guy chasing a dream. I've had the poker group chat popping all week. We

got a rap god, a poker legend, a lady.

And I started this thing with my boy here, Fantasy. You'd be even more of a

10 in this hat, trust me.

Fantasy.

Gilman. What's Gucci, my... It's not really the time to be plugging your...

crypto thing oh the poker pervert has arrived be cool aren't you like cool

chill guy yeah no i am we're good we're good here are the starting

stacks blinds are 100 200 tonight but you can expect those pots to explode and

speaking of explode we are getting into it on hand one Ace is under the gun for

our lucky duck, Jeff Sexbury, an eighth grade math teacher from Fall River,

Massachusetts. Let's learn more about our lucky duck.

Hello, my name is Jeff Sexbury, or as some of the kids like to call me, the

master of disaster.

I just like to have a blast in the classroom.

Basically, I started playing poker last year with some of the other teachers. I

made $19 and was not asked back, but I caught the bug, and so I'm really

excited to be playing again.

Jeff is our first online lottery winner. The lucky duck gets to take the $100,000

by the channel.

Anything he wins, he can take home or come back next week and risk it all

again. Anything you want to say to your students?

Dreams do come true.

But I have pocket aces.

Yeah, I hit my set, bro, 3-9.

Wait, but pocket aces is the best hand.

So I just lose now?

Yeah, bro, for a teacher, you do not do a lot of learning.

Not even through the interview.

Jeff Sexbury is down his 100k.

Uh, yeah, brother, that's Brutes Magoots. Uh, sorry, guys, old BRB, my

best fucking friend in the world did something fucked up and someone got

turbo hurt.

Landon! Again?

It was good to meet you, puny man.

Can I just, like, hang, though, for a while? Like, chill with you guys?

I just like you guys, and I've never been in a mansion basement before.

They got a sink in here.

Isn't that nuts?

Yeah, Beast lets your nuts hang.

And I think the other sickest basement I've ever been in is probably my friend

Craig's basement because he has a Miller Lite neon sign on the wall.

If you're going to keep talking, why not get some chips?

For real? Would JGB be okay with that?

JGB? Can I have more chips? Shut up, you don't need him. It's my show. Deal him

in. I say if you want chips, you can have as many chips as you like.

Whoa, for real?

Oh, my God.

That's so nice. Oh, my God. You are nice.

I knew you were nice.

I'm really good at reading people, and you are a good egg, mister.

I have so many eggs, you can call me Benedict.

Bold moves from Jeff as the middle school teacher puts up his own $100,000.

But the poker gods like it. He's got queens.

I'll play in with you, Mr. Strawberry.

$3,000.

The legend himself Bob Mub has woken up with his famous hand. 3-10 offsuit. The

Yuma.

Jeff Sexbury has three queens. What is this, my mom and her clone?

Meanwhile, Bob Mub flops two pair.

The saloon man is in trouble.

What do we even have?

What is that?

I don't know. I guess I'll just do double.

What do you bet?

Mub famously used this hand to win the 1998 World Series of Poker against Bo

Bridges. Oh, my.

Two full houses, but Jeff has the higher one. I can't see any way Bob gets out of

this. And the lucky duck will double up. Fifteen.

Fifty thousand.

Bob with the Mondo overbet, but he's run into it this time. Someone call the

special victims unit. Bob's about to get fucked by the teacher.

Well, they have a really good hand.

But you could have four threes, and I really don't want to lose. Tell your dad

I said, get to the jumper!

Okay. What's up, sucka soldiers?

But on the other hand, I am playing with house money.

What'd you just fucking say?

Oh, you were in the bathroom. Yeah, Fantasy gave me another 100K in chips.

No, dude, we gave you $100,000.

That's like a billion dollars for you. We're not going to give you another

billion dollars. Fantasy, what did you say to him? Oh, nothing. I didn't even

talk to him.

Hey, hey, hey, man. If you're in this hand, that's your sad teacher money.

That's my real money from life?

Yeah. From teacher?

Yeah. I don't have that.

You... You said you were my friend!

No, I did not say that, bro. Yes, you did! You said we were friends forever!

He did not say that. Oh, my God!

PS4 3s, my life is over!

Oh, fuck, I can't...

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. I fault, I fault, I fault. Oh,

that's crazy.

No, he had the four threes. He had four threes. Tell him. I'm sorry, son, I did

not.

Why did you tell him to buy back in? Dude, look at him. He's going to fucking

kill himself on TV, and I'm going to look like a fucking dick. Oh, I am so

sorry for trying to make sure people play poker at the poker table.

That is my bad, bro.

I thought you were a cool guy that wanted to have a cool show.

This is what cool guys do. Yeah, I know what cool guys do, Fantasy, because I'm

a cool guy, so... Yeah, so it's like I needed a screen name, and my favorite

genre of films is fantasy, and I like Hennessy, so... Fantasy.

It's a very strange name, and I cannot believe that you gave it to yourself.

It's like name bully give you to make you feel like Big Buffoon.

Hmm.

Now that you got that spot on, I have nothing to add.

And she gets him to overbet his king.

Yo, Scary, get in here.

Yeah, yeah, one sec. No for Instagram now.

Shit. Okay, more hands, dealer. Come on, come on. Hey, I'm here with my day one

brother, STD, Scary the Dangerous, no herpes.

Look at my man's rocking that fake-ass, booty-ass scarf.

Now he's looking like I just upped the blow around his mom's damn.

Mr. Scurry, it seems that you hate this man.

Why do you not slap his mouth?

What is he talking about?

That's my day one brother right there, all right? I funded him 20 Gs on his

first studio album, all right? He owes me everything.

Yeah, that's my broski right here.

Bleak scene for Jeff Saxbury, who is processing being down $25,000 of his own

money. Oh, and my fish just died.

Awesome! Did you neglect the fish?

Uh...

Hey there, fellas. Stop it with that talk. Everything is going to be fine.

No, it's not. I can't afford this.

Tell you what.

I'd like to make you an offer, Mr.

Basketball. It's sex theory.

Watch your language, dipshit. Now get over here.

I'm old and can't move very much.

Nestle in my bosom.

I like you, son.

Maybe it's because you remind me of the boy that I grew up with.

Went by the name of Charles Broccoli.

Charles and I went to Korea together.

The Koreans made me kill him.

Told me they'd let me go.

Just a little game they liked to play.

They tortured me after that one.

Tied me to a chair and put a worm in my pocket.

They put a worm in your pocket? Wait, what's the offer? They called that worm

the Pamuli Bule.

Of course, he didn't do anything.

But it was the fear.

You never knew what that little bastard was up to.

Okay, so, sorry, what's the offer?

Oh, the offer?

Whatever you lose tonight, if you lose, I'll cover it. I'll pay for it all.

That's a lot of money, though. Look, I'm 90, and I respect teachers.

You don't deserve all this.

We here chose the gambler's life.

Oh, my God, you're serious.

Serious as a can of beans.

Now, have fun out there, and talk to me after.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my God. You saved my life.

Get me a fucking daiquiri.

I like the way you have messed up your eyes.

I looked at the moon too long. My eyes went white.

You are like wolf.

Yeah, I'm hungry, too. Look at this cross talk. This is going fucking

awesome.

No one raises, and we're going to go four ways to the flop.

Hey, Mr. Sex Teacher, don't you think it's crazy that kids in America don't

have any financial education?

And wouldn't it be awesome if they could learn about crypto in a controlled

environment and grow their wallet exponentially? The school board says I'm

not allowed to acknowledge the existence of money with my students.

Uh, 500.

Raise 15.

Mr. Sex Teacher, where did you purchase your Sweater Fest?

Uh, I found it at my friend Craig's house.

Okay. Oh, man. Ready?

Call.

Jeff called. Not sure what his plan is with just a pair of fives.

Okay.

Pizza or burgers?

Gun to your head.

What? Why'd you put gun to my head?

What are you talking about?

I guess you have it.

Sorry I keep throwing your money away, Bob.

Bob?

Bob.

You crack me up, man.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm having so much fun, having so much fun. 500.

Mob's been quiet.

Of course, he could be playing possum, coiled up like a snake.

The snake in the possum, the beast master druid of poker.

It's going great, guys.

And he calls with 5-3.

God, I just feel like it would be so goaded if kids could learn about crypto

in a controlled environment and grow their wallet exponentially.

Can you please stop plugging your crypto scam?

Dude, it's not a scam. It's a legitimate financial opportunity targeted at

children.

Mub with bottom pair, second pair for Scary the Dangerous.

Look, honestly, if you don't want me here, I'll just tell all the poker pros

in my flight logs not to come to your game anymore.

Okay, you don't have to do that. Maybe I do.

A straight draw to go with Mub's bottom pair. A four, five, or three would give

him the joint. Expect a bet here.

Actually, you know what?

Maybe we go to Bob Mub's house in the Grand Canyon and everyone's allowed to

wear hats for their side hustles.

No bet.

Scary is baffled.

What do you think of that, Bob Mub? Bob Mub may be steely on the outside, but

there is a thunderstorm going on in his mind.

$10,000 from the saloon man.

Oh, wow.

A legendary move from Mub. It's the exact same mind game that he pulled in

the final hand of the 1993 WSOP.

This is the Bob Mub move, man. I was being this, bro. That clip was courtesy

of Cryptogachi, our official flashback clip plug.

That guy's fucking dead.

21,000.

All in. Oh, fuckies!

I know you only have tens or nines. You think I have fever brain like Mr.

Slutberry over there?

Bad time to make a move, but he's only giving back 20 of the 90k he's up. He's

been on fire.

I need a break, man. Go to commercial.

Uh, hello?

This is Crypto Gochi. It is a type of toy that you feed cryptocurrency and

kids give it money and in exchange they get pleasure.

Crypto Gochi.

Pleasure for child.

What? No, don't go to commercial. Yolanda, come back. You can't fucking do

that. We have not cleared that with legal. We can't fucking do that. I am so

glad that nobody is watching this. No, hey, some people are watching.

Everybody's watching.

Huh? Fuck.

I don't know if you guys know this.

My dad is as high up at Amazon as you could possibly get, and he made it so

this is streaming on everybody's phone and laptop right now. It's called

mandatory content.

It's the future, okay?

If you look away from your phone for one second, your phone emits a sharp honk,

and if you look away for five, it smells like it's bleeding.

It's the future, and we're really excited for Prime members to experience

it. Well, there's not enough fucking action on this table, if that's the

case. Can we get a $700 straddle going, maybe, please?

You know what? Hey, could I get some Fernette?

Let's all do a three-second chug of Fernette. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, I forgot

we can't, because fucking Poker Biden doesn't want that.

It's your turn, my sleepy prince.

Mup may have bet that wily old fox.

Why are you being the whiny goose?

You're up nine...

I need more, okay? Look, when you make as much money as I do, you are in debt

to hundreds of people all the time. The Crypto Gochis aren't even in school, so

we need you guys to do, like, advocacy for it. Could somebody please just put

on this fucking hat?

Bob Mob, you like hats. Maybe you want to see if this fits you. Put this on,

Bob Mob. Oh, my God, is he dead?

Carry check.

Mob. Has passed away.

She poisoned him. No, no, I didn't. He's fine.

Jeff, give him CPR.

There's no CPR.

Oh.

Why'd he use one finger? I don't know. I don't know. It was possible.

Shut up.

You killed him.

He's not a crime, bro. He's an old man. He kicked a dumpster. He was going to

pay off my debts, and you killed him.

Oh, bro, this old pussy just died, and you're trying to line your pockets.

I know you put a chip in your pocket. I didn't. That was a clementine for later.

Oh. You did this because you hate me.

No, bro. I don't know who you are. I don't respect teachers.

Thank you, bro. That guy is such a... Bro, don't be Mr. Too Nasty to me. You

want someone to take Bob Mob's seat, I can call Alien Ron, the booty doctor,

poker plankton.

Yeah, but you think I give a fuck about your poker contacts?

You have ruined this whole thing.

You've been plugging a scam for children with crypto all night. Yeah.

This is your fucking fault.

Fucking Jeff.

You ruined his life. You tricked him into borrowing more money than he will

ever see. He's dead. And that's because of you.

Facts. Because you're a bad fucking dude.

Me? Everybody fucking loves me, dude. I'm the coolest guy in the fucking

world. But you?

You're some backwards dog fucker from some Borat country. We should have

looked before you were born.

Oh,

yeah, put that fucking phone away, bro.

I own you.

You get that?

If I make one phone call... You're deported. I make two phone calls. You're

deported in a fucking crate like the animal that you are. You fucking animal.

You fucking animal. You don't have to keep repeating animals. You're more

fucking foreign than he is.

No.

My family made your fucking career, bud.

And we could have you flipping bricks in West Compton tomorrow.

I'm from Boston.

Did you guys hear that?

That was crazy. No, no, no. Oh, no, we're fine. We're fine. Hey, Rothko.

Heal him up. Heal him up. Trash talk, man. I'm hot.

Come on. Everybody hates you, gay BJ. No, no, no.

No, it's fine. All right, all right. We're done. We're done. Cut the fucking

stream. Cut the fucking stream.

All right, everybody. That's going to do it for this week's episode of Poker

Night at the Pleasure Trove. I know we had some fun, maybe a little trash talk,

but at the end of the day.

It's all love. Special shout out to the legend Bob Mug for rolling through.

Thank you, Big Dog. Can't wait to have you back.

Peace.

Good. You get it? Yeah, good.

Amber?

Yeah? I need to take this call.

I need to take this call.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Hi,

Mike.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, how was your weekend?

Uh-huh, I'm on set right now.

Yeah, and how was your wife?

That fun infection?

Thank you.

Oh, okay.

Send her my love.

So, yeah, do we have news?

Okay.

They went in a different direction.

Do you think this has, like, anything to do with the trial?

What's more terrifying than the ravages of age?

My ex-husband.

Oh, oh, oh. Can I do it again?

I'm sorry. This is really uncomfortable with the shoes.

My ex-husband.

That's it.

No.

Seriously. This next fairy tale is about cancer.

And how it tears apart your family, your ego, and your asshole.

Dare to watch.

What, that's it?

I don't get it.

Exactly. What the hell do you mean exactly?

It doesn't make any sense.

Maybe a political ad in 2016 shouldn't make sense.

I'll tell you what doesn't make sense to me.

America. Yeah, but I mean... What, it's about toilet paper?

It's about how America sucks.

I don't know if we want to say that. It should be the billionaires. We should

say the billionaires suck, not America.

Healthcare sucks.

Yeah, I see what you're saying, but I feel like it'll be a little confusing

for people. The third is the government.

And wiping is voting. But why is it a bear taking a dump?

No, Bernie, maybe the problem is you didn't pay us enough money.

But I gave you $500.

Maybe it should have been a billion.

Okay, let me ask you this.

Those croissants out there by the elevator.

What about the croissants?

And I have one.

No.

Peggy, make sure Bernie doesn't take any of those croissants.

Well, that was one hell of a scream.

It was good.

Are you serious?

Are you guys serious?

Ruby, it's like a joke. We're having fun. No, no, no, no. I know that this is

all fun and games, but I'm an actress, which means that I take this seriously.

No, I was Lady Macbeth, directed by Roman Polanski Jr.

at the Bakersfield Globe, okay? I'm serious.

I'm serious.

Get it?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, here you are.

Thank you, yeah.

You have a good night tonight?

Yeah.

dangerous intersections of School Street and Circle Drive, leaving the police

scratching their heads.

Also, all chicken, pork, and beef products are once again subject to a

safety recall for the...

What the fuck?

Hey there, buddy. What you doing? You stealing that bike? Oh, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, no. All right.

Your hands behind your back. Yeah, I'm dead serious.

Yeah,

take a seat.

It's happening.

Shut up.

Yeah, don't mind if I do gotcha Hey

Doug

Tables? What, like a termite?

Yeah.

Wow, that is a gorgeous desktop background.

Is that table yours?

Yeah. Oh my god, it's gorgeous.

Take good care of that thing.

I will. Listen, you get back to work. Because if you finish your quota by five

today, you're eligible to have a remote drink.

I don't know. I'm not seeing any evidence of insect activity anywhere in

the house.

Yeah, it's just a table.

Wow, that is a nice table, man.

Was a nice table, sorry.

Look, I just need you to kill whatever termite did this.

Termite?

Buddy, the size of a termite that could do something like this, you'd be better

off calling a priest.

So you can't do anything at all?

Not unless I know what I'm dealing with here.

And between you and me, man, I don't really want to know.

Listen, I'm not going to charge you for this, but don't call me again, OK?

Get back here!

Oh, crap!

You know, with things like this, it's better to just pretend that they're not

happening.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it's just really bothering me.

You know, I think it's time that we get back into talking about your parents.

When did you first notice that they were getting sick?

It's important to remember that they paid the ultimate price for what they

did. I have to go.

Okay, goodbye.

What can I do for you?

Uh, yeah. Do you guys sell security cameras?

No kidding. We just got some in. Right here.

How many do you need?

Um, I guess I'll just take all of them.

All of them? Fine by me. Anything else I can grab you while you're here?

Um, yeah. Do you guys have table poison?

What'd you just say?

I said table poison?

Look, buddy, I don't know what you're into. And I don't want to know.

I'm going to get you what you want.

You can never come here again. Not for security cameras.

Not for... PP.

Never. I never want to see your fucking face again.

You understand me?

Yes, sir.

Great. So, table poison, just one can?

Yeah, just one can. Got it.

There she is.

Okay,

that's six of the security cameras, one table poison.

Okay. How much is that? That'll be $630.

Do you do credit?

Credit? No, I can take a check.

Okay.

Do a check.

Thank you.

Why did you poison your table?

You're just a guy?

I thought you were some kind of big termite or something. You're just a guy?

Why are you just a guy? I'm just an average guy.

I'm just a normal guy. Help me, please. My God, why did you eat my table? I

couldn't help it. You made it seem so delicious.

What the fuck is this?

Wait, I recognize you. I recognize you. Yeah!

All right, well, here you are.

You have a good night tonight?

Yeah.

Yeah, but the whole time I just couldn't stop thinking about my table.

A table fan, huh?

Yeah, yeah, tried and true.

You know, I'm something of a table fan myself.

No way.

Yes way. Oh, my God, dude. Hold on. Let me show you this. Come on, let me see.

Look at that thing.

Yeah. She's a beaut. She is a beaut.

Yeah. I mean, it changed my life completely. I want to eat that table.

What?

I said, I want to eat that table.

You're crazy, man.

You're crazy. I know.

You must be really hungry. Oh, my God. I don't think I could ever eat a table.

I mean, if I was going to eat a table, I would definitely eat that table. Well,

here you go. Thank you, Bert. That's fantastic.

Have a good night. Yep. You as well, my friend.

I was the Uber driver.

Why did you eat my table?

I'd do it again.

You'd do it again?

If they made me sick, I'd do it again. Let me eat this dresser.

Here I come.

Don't shoot there.

You're way too sick to touch my dresser.

You want me to help you? You want help? You're going to have to ask God for

help. Please, God.

You ate my table.

And now, I'm going to eat you.

This

is

the punishment for my crimes!

Oh, God, forgive me! Forgive me for what I thought I'd see the people like right

now!

Yep.

I ate every last bite.

And the scariest thing is, all of this actually happened.

I'm currently serving a life sentence.

But while I rot in prison, there are still eaters out there.

And they're hungry.

And they just might be coming for your table next.

Sometimes, after I lavish my gullet with my potion du jour, my indentured ghoul

gets me something to eat.

Now, the undead like me, we don't eat much. But on occasion, I like to treat

myself to Bakerfield's finest beef burger from Whitney's. Straight off the

five. That's right.

Bakersfield's finest beef burger from Whizzy's. One bite just isn't enough

when it comes to Bakersfield's finest beef burger from Whizzy's. Ruby, don't.

It's public television. It's into commercials.

And you don't want to put that in your mouth.

Amber, I always run orcs here. Let me do it. Well, you don't want to put that in

your mouth either. But I'm telling you, you are going to. That's right.

Bakersfield's finest beef burger from Whizzy's.

We all find out eventually.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. You happy you did that?

Feel good?

Feel good?

Mm-hmm. Oh, actress.

Actress. Oh, okay.

Okay, get her some water. Get her some water.

Get her some water. Not from the jars?

Not the jars. Never the jars.

What's with you and the fucking jars? Some

say

we're alone in the universe.

And some say we're most certainly not.

Preoccupying the minds of man for thousands of years.

What and who are on these other planets? On these other galaxies?

And do we really, do we really want to meet them? Would they be beautiful?

Ugly? Dumb?

Wise?

Are there consequences for knowing the secret?

of the universe?

My name is Claywoman. I am 500

million years old and I come from the Marillion Galaxy.

I'd like you to make a mistake.

Right now. Just make one.

It's difficult, isn't it? Because you're thinking to yourself, well, what?

I don't know, what is a mistake?

And that's just a thing.

What is a ju-

Fucking

mother fucker let's fucking clip!

What is going on? Oh god!

Damn it, Claire.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, you're flooding the downstairs. Okay, Victor,

you can't just walk into my apartment, okay? You have to respect my... I'm the

landlord, okay? You're drowning the guy downstairs.

You're destroying the wall.

It's not me. You need to take a shower like my generation does.

You need to take a shower like a normal person. I want to be normal. I want to

be able to... Here come the girlies. I'm supposed to feel sorry for you.

Okay.

Watch, Victor.

Look, I turned the water on.

Okay. Okay, the water's on. Okay, that's enough. That's enough, though. No, no,

no, no. Oh, my God, Cliff.

Oh, no. Am I doing anything weird? Yes, you are. You're just dripping down the

wall. It's not. There's a crack.

You're killing me.

What's happening?

Can we talk about this later? No, we can't talk about this later. We talked

about it now, okay?

Get out of my house. I can't. I got to go check your A.C.

Because that's leaking, too. How come every fucking thing in your house has...

Oh, Jesus motherfucking Christ.

So what's up?

Um, you need to come to the studio right now. They're doing videos without you.

Of what?

The woman, the alien lady.

Claywoman? Yeah.

Oh, no, it's fine. I actually told Genesis she could work out some ideas

while I was gone. No, no, you don't understand. It's not the meditations,

the things that you like to do. It's something else, and it's...

I think you should take a look at this. It's a live stream that they're doing

right now.

Claywoman.

Oh. Are you ready for a question? Oh, no. It's bad.

It's stupid.

People are watching.

I'm going to go.

I'm going to go with you. No, I need you to stay here and keep an eye on Victor.

Okay. I am going to fix this.

We can't introduce a 500-million-year-old extraterrestrial to

the world through one of Genesis' dumb ideas.

I'm going to pick this.

So, Claywoman, the next question is from BargainTiles4987.

Thank you. You're welcome.

So they want to know why you look so... Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I know where

this is going. And, you know, the reason that I look so fascinating is because

I'm not from your galaxy.

I'm over 500 million years old, which is a long time to be around and a long

time to try and articulate a reason for being around.

But the question... That wasn't the question, Cleveland.

Hmm.

Oh, hi. We were just about to text you. What are you doing?

Claire, we're doing a live stream. Can you not yell?

No. No, we had a plan.

What are you doing?

What's going on here? Jennifer decided to take Claywoman in a new direction.

Just something fresh, something new.

Right now we're live streaming Claywoman to all her new fans.

Her fans?

You're jealous, huh?

What about the meditations?

Claire.

The meditations.

Don't work.

Look at this. This is pathetic.

Ten followers.

Top comment.

It's all just like QAnon wives.

I have to say I'm really disappointed in that reaction, you know? I mean, I don't

mean to be self-referential, but I would have thought that my existence would

have been of some note on its own.

Videos just haven't found their audience yet. Yeah, but our live stream has.

I mean...

These people don't understand, like, what's great about Claywoman.

Stop gatekeeping, Claire.

I mean, Claywoman, doesn't this bother you? It doesn't bother me.

See?

Eric, what are you doing?

Just adjust the light and then go back to your area.

Eric, let's go. This is getting a little bit ridiculous.

It's not your light.

This needs to be cleaned up. Am I right?

Claywoman?

Don't you like doing the meditations better?

Oh, you know I love doing those. Exactly.

But, you know, either way is fine.

I mean, really, it's inconsequential in the bigger picture.

Oh, my God.

What a waste.

Oh, I don't think it's a waste. You know, if it doesn't work, they'll learn

something. It's not going to work, though.

And you're all going to die.

Don't you think? Rather soon in my timeline. You should be listening to

her. She's 500 million years old. You can't debase her by making her do these

stupid, stupid live streams. No, it's fine, really. Oh, my God, stop

contradicting me.

I don't think she likes you.

Yeah, she seems upset.

I'm not upset.

Claywoman, what is your ambivalence in assuming the role of a prophet or the

Messiah here on Earth?

My ambivalence?

It's because that's not what I am. But to me, you represent a true possibility

of enlightenment.

You come from a peaceful galaxy. You have knowledge of our origins, where

we're coming from and where we're going.

Yet you don't give easy answers. You speak in riddles and koan.

Well, perhaps it's because I don't have the answers.

But I just don't think that's true.

You know, Claire, it's not actually cool of you to barge in on us and interrupt

us while we're working. You're going to get mad at me?

When you are the one who explicitly broke your word because we promised not

to do exactly what you're doing. You explicitly promised to let me experiment

and try new things in new forms. Yes, but within the container that we'd

previously established. And the container that we'd previously

established is sick.

It's full of failure.

Like you.

You're a very thick person, Claire. You think I'm a thick person? Yeah, I do

think that. I think that you're a thick person, palindrome. I think that you,

palindrome, are a thick person because you are the henchman. I'm just going to

take a turn off your mic, Pat. I figured you'd

want some privacy.

My perception of you, honestly.

So you're from another planet?

Yes, I am. Well, from another galaxy, actually.

That's really beautiful.

Yes, great.

Do you like it here?

Well, you know, I started coming because my friend Maria was telling me about it,

and I just kept coming back. You know, it's a great place.

So you like it here?

Oh, yeah, I love it.

It's really my favourite planet.

It's not mine.

Really, it's not?

You don't like it very much, do you?

Oh, yeah.

No.

You know what? I think maybe you should take a look around again. Give it

another try.

Do you think you could do one of those meditations that everyone's talking

about?

Yes.

I would be delighted to do that.

Really, so just...

Yeah, I guess you could turn off the light.

Wonderful. All right.

Now, move your head slightly to the left.

And then slightly to the right.

About a millimeter up.

That's good.

Now imagine you're standing on a spoon.

And it's great.

Now, of course, I don't think I need to tell you which part of the spoon you're

standing on.

There are two general parts of a spoon.

One is rather ordinary.

It could be anything, really. It could be a fork, a knife.

But there's the other part of the spoon.

The part of the spoon that is rather iconic.

You look up and you see a crane.

A crane.

Not really sure, though, whether it's the animal

crane or the type of crane that one might use in construction.

Taking it back a bit, that you can't figure this out.

You get a bit closer to the crane, and then you say,

As loud as you can muster.

Hey!

Crane!

Are you the animal crane?

Or the type of crane that one might use in construction?

And the crane looks back at you and says, well, it's none of your business.

Why are you asking me this?

How dare you?

How do you feel?

You feel better, right?

Yeah. I thought so. It seemed like you did.

Well, just hold that thought for a second. I'm going to make a call.

Joanna?

Joanna? Yes.

It's Grey Woman.

How are you? Good.

Yes. Well, you know what? I'm ready to come back now.

Yeah. So could you bring the cart round?

I'll be outside.

I'm bringing a friend with me.

It's great. No, you'll really like her. It's going to be amazing.

We're going to go.

Yeah. All right. Thank you. See you out front.

All right.

Okay. Yeah, just follow me. We're going to go meet Joanne outside. She's got a

car.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm great.

She's gone.

I can't believe this.

Who?

She's gone.

You ruined everything.

Whoa.

Look. Oh, my God.

She took Eric.

I thought she'd take me.

Claire, I'm so sorry.

But I learned this a long time ago.

You can never depend on Claywoman.

Well, that was out of this world.

What the fuck?

Well, that's our show.

And we thank you from the bottom of our little black heart.

Good night.

You guys, we did it! Let's give ourselves a round of applause.

Because we're more than a crew here.

We became a family, right?

And I just want to give it up to Amber!

We are not worthy. We are not worthy. And to work with a female director,

okay? A goddess incarnate, literally. I mean...

You guys, I don't know if you guys know the statistics, but there's not a lot of

ambers. There's not.

And so, everybody, you guys, I got a booth at Starlight.

It's right down Rancho Boulevard.

A really cool place.

And, yeah, if anybody wants to come.

And the boys, I just want to salute the boys.

Thanks, Jennifer Industries.

Really.

So, yeah, if you guys want to, if anyone wants to come to the Starlight, you

go straight to the Starlight, and then you ask for Julian.

And he knows me, middle-ass, middle-ass friggin' first name.

Seriously, and he'll hook you up. Okay?

Hey, Virgins, come here.

Yeah. Hi, it's immediately.

Okay, well, you are both going to edit the episode tonight.

Yay.

Excuse me, what? Don't you want to be filmmakers?

Don't you want to be like little Robert Altman?

Who's Robert Altman?

No, for Christ's sake.

Anyway, if you don't do it, we're going to call your teacher and tell her to

fail you.

I don't think so. Oh, you don't think so? Well, guess what? Ask the last

interns we had. Oh, wait, they're interning at Hamburger University, where

they're learning how to flip a Borgor. Bullshit. Fuck off. You're both doing

the edit, and I don't care, okay?

Bye, losers.

Peace.

I'm done with this shit. Screw that, man. Fuck.

Total bitch.

Yeah, seriously.

But, like, I'm failing anyways, you know?

Why don't we, uh...

Okay,

okay, I see you that's smart as fuck