Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON CALIFORNICATION...

STU, NIKKI.

- UH, YOU TWO GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER?

- MM-HMM.

- SHE RELIEVED MY SON OF HIS VIRGINITY.

- NIKKI'S HERE. - SHE'S WITH STU.

- THAT FEELING IS BACK, YOU KNOW,

LIKE I GOT TO FUCK SOMETHING.

- I HAVE A PROPOSAL FOR YOU.

AND, YES, IT IS QUITE INDECENT.

- YOU'D SERIOUSLY PAY A MILLION DOLLARS TO FUCK ME?

- OH, YEAH.

I'M GOING TO BE PUTTING A CLOCK

ON THAT OFFER I MADE YOU, CHARLIE.

I THINK YOU KNOW WHICH ONE I'M TALKING ABOUT.

- KRULL? - HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING, CHURCHILL? - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- TIME TO WORK ON ME MOTORBIKES AND ME MEMOIRS.

- YOU WERE MACKING ON HER WHEN YOU WERE INSIDE OF ME?

- YOU WERE INSIDE HER? WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

- RATH, LOOK, IT'S COMPLICATED.

- IT'S NOT COMPLICATED.

- THEY WANT TO MAKE AN OFFER TO EDDIE NERO.

- OH. DON'T DO IT.

YOU'LL REGRET IT. - WHY?

- HE POOPS ON PEOPLE.

- NERO'S A FUCKING PSYCHO.

I THINK WHAT HE REALLY WANTS IS TO TAKE YOU IN HIS MOUTH.

- OH, WELL, IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO BE WANTED.

- HANK, SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME.

KAREN WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

- THIS DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING, YOU KNOW.

I'M STILL PISSED AT YOU.

- I WOULDN'T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.

[upbeat music]

*

HI!

- HANK, I TOLD YOU!

- I KNOW YOU TOLD ME, BUT I WANTED TO SEE FOR MYSELF.

YOU'RE CONVALESCING QUITE NICELY...

QUITE NICELY, INDEED. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE SOME FOOD ON THE STOVE.

- OH, YOU'RE HUNGRY, ARE YOU?

- HANK, I'M MAKING MYSELF SOMETHING TO EAT.

- WOULDN'T YOU RATHER GO OUT TO DINNER,

YOU KNOW, BLOW THE STINK OFF?

I MEAN, NOT THAT YOU EVER REALLY STINK,

ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES IN THE MORNING WITH THE BREATH,

BUT I DON'T MIND THAT.

I CAN KISS RIGHT THROUGH THAT SHIT.

I LOVE IT, ACTUALLY.

YOUR EFFLUVIUM HAS ALWAYS BEEN QUITE REFRESHING TO ME...

- OKAY! - LIKE CUCUMBER LEMONADE...

OR CUCUMBER SPA WATER.

- HANK, ARE THESE WORDS FOR ME OR FOR YOU?

- FOR BOTH OF US, KAREN.

WORDPLAY, FOREPLAY-- IT'S ALL THE SAME THING.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M EXHAUSTED.

I WANT TO GO LIE DOWN. IT'S JUST, LIKE--

- OH, OH, IS THAT AN INVITE?

J.K., AS THE KIDS SAY. J.K.

COME ON, I'LL PROVIDE THE TRANSPO.

I WON'T EVEN TRY TO FINGER YOU WHILE I DRIVE.

- OH, PLEASE. - I PROMISE.

I MIGHT TRY TO GAUGE YOUR HEAT, THOUGH...

OVER THE CLOTHES.

I AM NOT A FUCKING ANIMAL.

- YOU ARE MAKING IT REALLY HARD FOR ME TO SAY NO.

- ALLOW ME TO APPEAL TO THE FOODIE IN YOU.

IT'S AT A NEW PLACE. A POP-UP, IF YOU WILL.

IT'S ALL THE RAGE, FOUR STARS.

THE BLOGOSPHERE IS ABUZZ.

- THAT IS SO MEAN. - I KNOW. I KNOW.

- YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE TRYING NEW RESTAURANTS.

- I DO. - DON'T SAY THAT SHIT.

- I DO KNOW THAT. I DO KNOW THAT.

KAREN? - HMM?

- SOMETHING IS BURNING. - [gasps] OH!

- I DO BELIEVE YOUR SAD LITTLE SOLO DINNER IS RUINED.

- FIRE! - OH, MY!

[upbeat music]

*

- OKAY, SO YOU DIDN'T FORGET YOUR WALLET.

- NOPE.

- THIS IS A NEW POP-UP RESTAURANT?

- YEP.

- SO LET'S GET IT OVER WITH. I'M FUCKING STARVING.

- OH, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE, KAREN.

YOU'RE ESTABLISHING AN ATTITUDE

TO COMBAT THE ROMANTIC MOOD THAT I'VE ESTABLISHED HERE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

YOU KNOW, THAT ACTUALLY GIVES ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH.

IN FACT, IT'S THE VERY ESSENCE OF DRAMA.

A GUY WANTS SOMETHING, SOMETHING STANDS IN HIS WAY.

LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD-- SAME THING.

- OH, MY GOD. HANK, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.

- REFRESH YOURSELF. TRANYA!

HAVE A DRINK. IN VINO VERITAS...

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

IN WINE, THERE IS TRUTH, I BELIEVE.

- MM-HMM.

- IN WHISKEY, THERE MAY BE A LITTLE MORE.

IN TEQUILA, THERE'S, LIKE, A LOT OF TRUTH.

- OKAY, GREAT. WHERE ARE THE RUNKLES?

- MM. OH, THOSE GUYS?

YEAH, THEY WENT OUT TO DINNER ON ABBOT KINNEY--

THAT LITTLE POP-UP I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.

- WHAT? THEY GOT TO GO THERE?

WELL, YOU KNOW I WANTED TO TRY THAT PLACE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TAKE ME THERE?

- BECAUSE I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE WAY MORE CHARMING.

- DINNER AT CHARLIE AND MARCY'S HOUSE?

- COME ON, A DINNER SLAVED OVER BY YOURS TRULY...

AT AN EMPTY MALIBU BEACH HOUSE?

THIS PLACE IS OURS FOR HOURS.

- HANK. - YES.

- LOOK AT ME.

I AM NOT GONNA SLEEP WITH YOU.

- I HAVE NO SUCH EXPECTATIONS. - BULLSHIT.

WHAT IS ALL THIS FOR IF IT'S NOT TO PRY MY LEGS APART?

- I WANTED TO DO THIS FOR YOU. YOU DESERVE IT.

I MEAN, EVER SINCE I'VE COME BACK, I'VE BEEN ADRIFT.

OBVIOUSLY LEVON ROCKED MY WORLD.

- MM-HMM.

- AND I'VE BEEN DOWN SOME ROADS

THAT HAVE LED TO SOME PRETTY DIRTY BACK ALLEYS,

BUT THROUGH IT ALL, I'VE KEPT MY EYE ON THE PRIZE.

- HANK. - YES.

- AREN'T YOU TIRED?

I MEAN, DON'T YOU JUST, LIKE,

WANT TO START AGAIN WITH SOMEONE NEW?

- NO. GOD, NO. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

- YEAH. I MEAN, SOMETIMES. SURE.

- WHY WOULD I FIND A NEW LIFE

WHEN I HAVEN'T PERFECTED THE PERFECTLY GOOD OLD ONE?

- WELL, EXACTLY. MAYBE YOU CAN'T PERFECT IT.

I MEAN, AT A CERTAIN POINT,

IT JUST-- YOU KNOW, IT IS WHAT IT IS.

AND THEN WE DIE. - I DON'T AGREE.

I DO NOT AGREE.

SEE, I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT MYSELF

DURING OUR TIME IN THE SUN. - MM-HMM.

- AND THROUGH IT ALL, I HAVE ONLY EVER WANTED ONE THING--

YOU.

- MAYBE WANTING IS NOT ENOUGH.

- ISN'T IT, THOUGH? - I DON'T THINK SO.

- I DISAGREE.

- YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT A DEBATE.

IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN WIN.

- I'M NOT TRYING TO WIN ANYTHING.

- YES, YOU ARE. YES, YOU ARE.

YOU'RE--YOU'RE ALWAYS, LIKE, TRYING A NEW ANGLE,

LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW... - NO.

- SOME HUGE, GRAND, ROMANTIC GESTURE.

- WHAT GRAND, ROMANTIC GESTURE? - [laughing]

WHAT WE REALLY NEED TO DO IS JUST LOOK AT OUR HISTORY

AND REALIZE... IT DOESN'T WORK.

I MEAN, WE DON'T WORK.

- NOW, NOW, KAREN,

LET'S NOT TURN THIS INTO SOME DRY HISTORY LESSON.

LET'S JUST ENJOY THIS GLORIOUS MEAL, OKAY?

HAVE A BITE, HAVE ANOTHER SIP OF WINE.

LET'S, YOU KNOW, SAVOR EACH OTHER'S COMPANY.

- MM-HMM. - MANGIA!

IN VINO VERITAS.

- YOU SAID THAT ALREADY. - I DID?

- MM-HMM. - WELL, IT'S TRUE.

- HANK? - HMM?

- THIS IS REALLY GOOD. - I KNOW, RIGHT?

- DID YOU MAKE THIS BY YOURSELF?

- YEAH, YEAH.

NO.

[both laughing]

I TRIED, BUT I FAILED MISERABLY.

WHAT I MADE LOOKED LIKE SICK ON A PLATE,

TASTED EVEN WORSE.

SO I WENT OUT AND I PROCURED SOME HIGH-END TAKEOUT--

FULL DISCLOSURE.

I'M SORRY. - THAT'S OKAY, SWEETIE.

- YOU SEE THAT?

YOU ARE CHARMED BY MY FAILED ATTEMPTS TO CHARM YOU.

- YEAH, A LITTLE. - HAVE MORE WINE.

THERE'S TRUTH IN IT, YOU KNOW.

[knock at door] - THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR.

HI! - HI.

- NOT A GOOD TIME. - I'M SORRY.

I JUST--I FELT BAD ABOUT THINGS,

AND I, UH--I WANTED TO SEE HOW YOU WERE DOING.

- I'M WELL. - AND HOW'S KAREN?

- SHE'S WELL-- - SHE'S FINE.

- OH, HI!

OH, I'M SO SORRY! OH, GOD, I HAD NO IDEA.

I-I'LL BE ON MY WAY. - NO, PLEASE, STAY, STAY.

- DON'T BE SILLY.

I MEAN, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING.

- NO, JUST DINNER.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "JUST DINNER"? "JUST DINNER"?

- OH. - PLEASE STAY.

WE NEED TO GET TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER.

I MEAN, OUR PATHS ARE GONNA BE CROSSING HERE AND THERE, RIGHT?

- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW,

MAKE A DATE TO MEET FOR COFFEE NEXT WEEK?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA. - YOU WANT SOME WINE?

- YOU KNOW, AFTER TONIGHT. - OH, YEAH.

YEAH, GOD, I WOULD LOVE A GLASS OF WINE.

- UH-HUH, IT'S KIND OF GOOD. HERE.

- THANK YOU, KAREN. - YOU'RE WELCOME, JULIA.

- WOW. - [giggling]

- THIS IS SO GREAT.

[rock music]

*

- WE WERE THERE AT THE SAME TIME.

- WELL, IT STANDS TO REASON, AND HAVING A KID WITH HIM.

- HOLY SHIT, RIGHT? - MM.

- THIS IS STILL SO GREAT. - YEAH.

- COULD WE HAVE SOME MORE WINE, PLEASE?

- DO YOU HAVE ANY DESSERT?

- OH, I'D BE HAPPY TO, KAREN.

- HI! - WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG?

- WHAT'S NOT WRONG?

WE GO TO DINNER,

AND OUR CREDIT CARDS GET DECLINED--ALL OF THEM.

RUNKS GOT PISSY. THEY CALLED THE COPS.

IT WAS A WHOLE BIG TO-DO!

- YOU COULD'VE LEFT THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNEW I WAS COMING IN.

JUST SLAMMING IT LIKE THAT-- THAT'S VERY RUDE.

WE NEED TO STICK TOGETHER HERE, MARCY.

HELLO. HELLO. - HI.

- YOU INVITED JULIA TO YOUR ROMANTIC DINNER WITH KAREN?

YOU DIRTY DOG, YOU.

- I JUST STOPPED BY UNANNOUNCED.

- OH, I SEE. - MARCY RUNKLE.

- HI. - YOUR KID'S A DOLL.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH! WOW!

YOU HAVE THE NICEST FRIENDS.

- MARCY RUNKLE, WOULD YOU LIKE PERHAPS

TO CONTINUE OUR PROPOSITIONAL CONVERSATION

IN THE BEDROOM MAYBE?

- NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEEK OUTSIDE COUNSEL.

KARENINA, KARENINA.

NOW THAT YOU'RE BETTER, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

- ANYTHING. - OKAY.

STU WANTS TO SLEEP WITH ME AGAIN.

- OF COURSE HE DOES. - FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.

- WHAT?

HE WOULD PAY YOU A MILLION DOLLARS TO SLEEP WITH YOU?

- YES.

- WOULD HE PAY ME A MILLION DOLLARS

TO SLEEP WITH ME? - WHAT THE FUCK, KAREN?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT'S DISGUSTING. - WHAT? IT'S A LOT OF MONEY.

- GLUTEN-FREE ARTISANAL CUSTARD TORT.

- OH, THAT'S LOVELY. - WOW!

- IS STU THE BIG BALD PRODUCER GUY?

- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

- YOU KNOW, I SAW THE OUTLINE OF HIS PENIS THROUGH HIS PANTS

AT THE TABLE READ THE OTHER DAY, AND IT WAS FREAKISHLY BIG.

- YEAH, THAT'S MY EX. ANYWAY, LISTEN...

HE WOULDN'T BE INTO YOU, HONEY,

'CAUSE HE'S ONLY INTO TINY, PETITE LITTLE FUCK DOLLS.

- THAT'S MY GIRL-- TINY, LITTLE, PETITE FUCK DOLL.

- OKAY, SO SHOULD I DO IT? - NO. NO.

- THAT'S MY GIRL.

- BUT WE ARE FUCKING BROKE! - I KNOW.

- JESUS CHRIST! JULIA. JULIA.

WOULD YOU FUCK A GUY FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?

HE'S GOT A GREAT BIG COCK, FILLS YOU RIGHT UP.

- JESUS, MARCY!

- YOU KNOW, I HAVE NEVER BEEN THAT MUCH OF A SIZE QUEEN.

I PREFER A PRETTY PENIS.

- THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

I'M SORRY, KAREN. IT'S JUST--IT'S VERY CONFUSING.

AND--AND YOU INVITED HER TO JOIN US, SO...

- IT'S TRUE--WE HAVE BOTH EXPERIENCED HIS PENIS.

AND IT-- - MM-HMM.

- IT IS PRETTY. - IT'S OKAY.

- I'VE SEEN IT.

I TUGGED ON IT A COUPLE TIMES ACCIDENTALLY.

- THAT'S DISGUSTING.

- IT'S A NICE ONE-- SMOOTH HELMET. GOOD JOB, KID.

- HEY, I'M RIGHT THERE WITH YOU ALL.

IT'S A GOOD-LOOKING COCK, NO HOMO.

- YOU GUYS ARE SWELL. - WELL...

[knock at door]

- KRULL, MY GOOD MAN. WELCOME.

- SERIOUSLY, WITH THIS FUCKING GUY AGAIN?

- HELLO, LOVE.

I'VE BEEN SEEING A LOT OF YOU LATELY...

IN MY DREAMS--

ME DAYDREAMS, ME WIDE-AWAKE DREAMS,

WHEN I'M TUGGING MESELF.

- OH. OKAY. - THAT'S NEAT. THANKS.

CHARLIE, ARE YOU JUST GONNA LET THIS DEGENERATE

TALK TO ME LIKE THAT?

- THIS DEGENERATE HAPPENS TO BE A CLIENT, MARCY.

BESIDES, HE IS COMPLIMENTING YOU, RIGHT, KRULL?

- ABSOLUTELY, LOVE. - OH.

- AND, YEAH, I NOTICED YOU NEVER HAVE A PROBLEM

WHEN A CERTAIN PERVERTED MILLIONAIRE

TALKS TO YOU LIKE THAT.

- EXCUSE ME. I WAS MARRIED TO THAT PERVERTED MILLIONAIRE.

- HELLO, HANK.

- KRULL, GOOD TO SEE YOU, MY MAN.

- YOU TOO, BUDDY.

I DROVE HIM BACK, YOU KNOW. - OH, NICE.

- ON THE BACK OF ME BIKE. - MM-HMM, FOR YOU.

- LEAST YOU COULD'VE DONE WAS GIVE HIM SOME SUCTION.

THAT WAS A LONG RIDE. - BUMPY TOO.

IT KIND OF NUMBED OUT MY TAINT.

- YEAH, THAT HAPPENS. WHO'S THIS?

- HI. I'M JULIA. - HELLO, LOVE.

MM.

- [laughing]

- KRULL. ROCK 'N' ROLL BUTLER.

- THAT'S COOL.

- SPEAKING OF SUCH THINGS,

I GOT SOME PAGES FOR YOU, THERE, CHURCHILL.

FORGOT ABOUT THE TIME WHEN I WALKED IN ON ATTICUS,

AND HE WAS BLOWING HIMSELF, AND I SURPRISED HIM.

HE ENDED UP BLOWING A LOAD ON THE PAIR OF US.

I GOT COMBAT PAY FOR THAT ONE, THOUGH.

- YOU SEE, MARCY? YOU SEE?

THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SALACIOUS DETAILS

THAT SELLS THESE ROCK 'N' ROLL MEMOIRS.

- OKAY.

WHOA. HI, LEVON.

- HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

- HEY, EVERYONE.

MOM? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- WELL, I JUST--I HAD TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOUR DAD.

- DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HIM

UNTIL HE PUTS A RING ON THAT FINGER?

- HEY, WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

- I DON'T WANT YOU TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY MOMS, YO.

- WHAT THE--NOBODY'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER, YO.

- SHE'S HORNY, SINGLE,

AND EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW.

- HONEY, THAT'S ENOUGH, OKAY? WHO IS YOUR FRIEND?

- CAN I GET YOU A DRINK? - MM-HMM.

- AH.

- WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?

- 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN BUSY HOSTING.

- WHO'S YOUR FRIEND? - THIS IS MI.

- HEY, HANG ON. I KNOW MI.

- [laughs]

I KNEW YOU LOOK FAMILIAR, BIG BOY.

YOU PICK ME UP ON BIKE.

- THAT'S RIGHT, OUTSIDE THE ALL-AMERICAN BURGER.

- YEAH, YOU JERK OFF ON ME.

- THAT'S A GOOD MEMORY.

- MI GOT GOOD HEAD FOR TRICKS.

- YEAH, YOU SURE DO, DARLING. YOU SURE DO.

- OH.

- SO I WENT TO THAT COMIC BOOK STORE ON SUNSET.

I MET HER WHEN I WAS COMING OUT.

SHE WAS SUPER NICE, REAL FRIENDLY.

I GUESS I OWE HER MORE MONEY

THAN I CURRENTLY HAVE ON MY PERSON.

- WHAT DID YOU DO? - EVERYTHING, DUDE.

WE WENT AROUND THE FUCKING WORLD--

IN THE BUTT AND EVERYTHING. - HOLY SHIT.

- SHE MADE ME WEAR A CONDOM, THOUGH.

IT WAS REALLY HARD TO COME. - TOO MUCH. HOW MUCH?

- LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO LIMIT YOUR SEXUAL EXPLORATION,

BUT YOU GOT TO LAY OFF THE HOOKERS,

BECAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL, AND THERE'S DISEASES.

- NO, MAMA!

I MAKE HIM PUT BAG ON IT. - MI.

- THAT'S GOOD, I GUESS.

- HE HAD A TOUGH TIME... [imitates explosion]

- I DID. I'M SORRY, MOM.

- THIS IS NOT WHAT A MOTHER WANTS FOR HER SON.

- NO.

- JULIA, I TOLD THEM THAT THE LAST TIME.

- YOU DID? - YES!

- GOD, THANK YOU, KAREN. THAT IS SO SWEET.

- YOU'RE SO WELCOME. I AM SO SORRY.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND. [knock at door]

- YES.

- RATH. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- HEY. UH, IS HANK AROUND?

HANK, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU AT HOME,

BUT A FRIEND OF YOURS INSISTED.

- MOODY!

- EDDIE NERO-- AS I LIVE AND BREATHE.

- AH!

PUT ME BACK IN MY CHAIR. - OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

- NO! IT'S OKAY.

I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

- DARE I ASK WHY YOU'RE IN A WHEELCHAIR?

HAVE YOU FINALLY HAD YOUR GENITALS REMOVED?

- NO, DON'T BE SILLY. IT WAS JUST A FLIGHT OF FANCY--

AN A-LISTER'S DAYDREAM.

I THOUGHT I'D LOST ALL MY LOADS.

THEN YOUR LOVELY SOUL MATE TAUGHT ME OTHERWISE.

KAREN! - EDDIE.

- LET ME PEPPER YOU WITH KISSES.

- HOW ARE YOU? IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU.

- IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, KAREN.

- GOOD. - [sniffing]

- OKAY. - AH, CAN YOU FEEL IT?

THIS IS THE SITE OF OUR EROTIC ENCOUNTER.

THE WOOD OF THIS HUMBLE ABODE HAS ABSORBED MY SEED,

MY VERY ESSENCE.

ARE YOU AS MOIST AS I AM?

HEY, PUSSY FART. HOW ARE YOU?

- GOOD, EDDIE. HOW ARE YOU?

- NO, NO. I'M ON DUTY.

- AH, OF COURSE. KAREN?

- FOR MY CHARACTER, THAT I WILL BE ESSAYING

IN AN UPCOMING EPISODE OF TV'S SANTA MONICA COPS,

WHICH I HAVE AGREED TO DO

BECAUSE ALL THE FINEST MOVIE STARS

ARE COMING TO TELEVISION TODAY.

AND WHY NOT?

TWO DAYS ON A SET PLUS A MEATY MONOLOGUE

EQUALS... EMMY NOMINATION!

I'M GOING FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING EGOT--

EMMY, GOLDEN GLOBE, OSCAR, TONY.

AND FOR THAT, I WILL PROVIDE SEXUAL FAVORS

TO NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, IF NEEDED.

[gagging]

ANYWAY, MOODY, I NEED YOU TO WRITE ME A MONOLOGUE.

I MISS OUR COLLABORATIONS.

RATH IS A FINE WRITER, BUT HE'S TERSE.

I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN PROVIDE

A GLORIOUS GOLDEN SHOWER OF VERBIAGE.

AND THE EMMY GOES...

TO EDWARD FUCKING NERO.

GOOD GOD, THERE ARE SOME BEAUTIFUL WOMEN

AROUND HERE TONIGHT.

I'M GLAD I STILL HAVE ALL MY LOADS.

WE COULD HAVE QUITE THE BUKKAKE PARTY LATER.

MY CHARACTER-- HE CANNOT ACHIEVE AN ERECTION.

HE'S BEEN ROBBED OF HIS MANHOOD.

BUT HE'S STILL A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH.

- OW!

OW!

- HEY! I KNOW YOU...

FROM SUNSET AND GARDNER.

- HEY! THAT RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER!

[laughs]

DID NOT RECOGNIZE YOU WITH THE MUSTACHE.

HEY. YOU POOP ON ME.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- GOOD NEWS--

RATH'S HITTING IT OFF WITH KAREN OVER THERE.

- WHY IS THAT GOOD NEWS? - GOOD NEWS FOR ME.

HE'S STAYING THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY MOM FOR ONCE.

- YEAH, WELL, GUESS WHO'S CHATTING UP YOUR FUCKING MOM,

IS EDDIE FUCKING NERO. - [scoffs] YEAH, WE'LL SEE.

MOVIE STAR OR NOT, THAT GUY WILL GET THE FUCKING STINK FINGER

IF HE TRIES ANYTHING. - NO, NO, NO. NO.

- STINK FINGER IS POWERLESS OVER HIM.

DUDE POOPS ON PEOPLE.

- UGH. THAT'S FUCKING UNSETTLING.

- YOU THINK? - YEAH.

- HMM.

HI. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

HEY. - HEY.

UM, WELL, I WAS JUST HAVING THE GREATEST CONVERSATION

WITH YOUR BOSS. - OH.

YEAH, WELL, HE'S NOT REALLY MY BOSS, PER SE.

- WELL, HOW ELSE WOULD YOU PUT IT, HANK?

- I LIKE TO THINK OF US AS COMPATRIOTS,

YOU KNOW, BIRDS OF A FEATHER, KINDRED SPIRITS,

WRITERS, MEN...

MEN. - I HIRED YOU. I CAN FIRE YOU.

I'D SAY THAT MAKES ME YOUR BOSS.

- OKAY, FINE. YEAH, BE THAT WAY.

YOU KNOW, THIS EVENING STARTED OUT

AS AN ATTEMPTED INTIMATE DINNER FOR THE TWO OF US.

AND AT SOME POINT, I WOULD LIKE TO...

- UM, YEAH. - GET BACK TO...

- WELL, IT'S OKAY, SWEETIE. - THAT PARTICULAR--

- 'CAUSE I CAN-- I CAN CATCH UP WITH YOU ANYTIME.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'M NEXT GONNA GET TO SEE RICK.

- WE CAN SEE EACH OTHER AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE, KAREN,

BECAUSE YOU GUYS AREN'T TOGETHER, RIGHT?

- WELL... - RIGHT.

- I MEAN, THAT'S A--

- YEAH, WELL, THESE THINGS ARE VERY COMPLICATED WITH HANK.

YOU KNOW, I ASKED HIM ABOUT JULIA.

HE SAID HE WASN'T INVOLVED WITH HER.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE WAS INSIDE OF HER, SO...

- INSIDE OF HER? WOW.

UM, OKAY.

YEAH, WELL, WHY AM I SURPRISED?

I MEAN, OF COURSE HE WAS.

[sighs]

WELL...IT'S JUST AS WELL I LIKE HER, I GUESS.

[knock at door]

I'LL GET THAT. - I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

- HELLO, LEON. - IT'S LEVON.

WHY IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD FOR PEOPLE TO GET?

- CHARLIE, MARCY,

SO SORRY TO BARGE IN ON YOU GUYS LIKE THIS,

BUT I MUST HAVE A WORD.

HELLO, EDWARD. HOW ARE YOU, BRAH?

- STU, MY FAVORITE MONEYMAN!

- STU, I'M NOT EVEN GONNA GET UP OFF THIS FUCKING COUCH

TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.

FIRST OF ALL, THANKS TO EDDIE NERO HERE,

MY FUCKING KNEE IS KILLING ME.

BESIDES, EVERYONE KNOWS, STU. EVERYONE KNOWS.

- WELL, IN THAT CASE...

- [gasps]

- LOOK AWAY, MARCY! LOOK AWAY!

- BUT IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. - AND IT'S ALL YOURS.

JUST SAY THE WORD

AND, UH, SIGN RIGHT HERE ON THE DOTTED LINE

AND IF YOU COULD INITIAL HERE AND HERE.

- STU, WAS IS IT ABOUT THIS WOMAN?

- EDWARD, I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED ME.

ENTERING HER IS LIKE WALKING

INTO THE MOST WONDERFUL CANDY STORE IN THE WORLD.

SPENDING TIME INSIDE OF HER IS AKIN TO COCOONING YOURSELF

IN THE SOFTEST, MOST EXOTIC OF SILKS.

I REMEMBER I USED TO BE ABLE TO PRESS

ON HER CUTE LITTLE TUMMY

AND FEEL MYSELF JUST THROBBING AWAY IN THERE.

THE HUM WAS ELECTRIC.

YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT, MARCY.

- YEAH, I GUESS I DO. - I'M GONNA THROW THE FUCK UP.

- IF SEX IS WHAT ALLOWS US

TO TRANSCEND THIS AVERAGE, EVERYDAY, HUMDRUM EXISTENCE

AND GET US THAT MUCH CLOSER TO GOD,

THEN IT WAS WITH MARCY

THAT I CAME WITHIN SPITTING DISTANCE OF MY MAKER.

- WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU, STU?

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND?

- PERHAPS I NEED TO EXPERIENCE THIS PINT-SIZED POWERHOUSE.

- I'VE SEEN HER GO AT IT.

SHE'S LIKE A FERAL CAT WITH A GREEDY SNATCH.

- GREEDY SNATCH! GIVE ME, GIVE ME, GIVE ME!

ALL FOR IT, NONE FOR YOU. - WHAT?

- WELL, CONSIDER THIS A SIGNING BONUS--10% UP FRONT.

DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WILL.

- WE HAVE TO TALK. - OW!

- COME HERE.

LISTEN TO ME. - WHAT?

- THIS KIND OF CASH COULD GET US

OUT OF ALL OF OUR IMMEDIATE DEBT.

- MARCY, I HAVE PUT OUT FEELERS ABOUT THE KRULL BOOK,

AND I COULD GET US AT LEAST THAT MUCH...

ALMOST.

- WHAT ABOUT NEXT MONTH? AND THE MONTH AFTER?

- RUNKLE, DON'T KID YOURSELF. THINGS ARE TOUGH OUT THERE.

I'M OFFERING YOU SOME SWEET RELIEF.

I MEAN, GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.

AND YOU GOT TO THINK ABOUT LITTLE STUART, HUH?

MY NAMESAKE.

- STU, YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP DISRESPECTING ME

IN MY OWN HOME!

- OH, THIS IS CLEARLY A RENTAL.

- HIT HIM!

- OW! OW!

OW!

OKAY, RUNKLE...

NOW YOU PUSHED ME TOO FAR.

- [gasps]

- I'M GONNA--

AAH! AAH! AAH! - STOP IT!

CHARLIE!

- ALL RIGHT.

MY BOY RUNKLE'S GOT SOME SERIOUS RETARD STRENGTH RIGHT NOW.

- JUST--YEAH. - COME ON.

- GET HIM OFF.

- NO FIGHTING! NOT ON MY WATCH!

- HOLY SHIT. THAT THING IS REAL?

- WHEN I'M IN RESEARCH MODE, I GO ALL OUT.

I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND.

- OKAY, I'M CALLING THE NETWORK. I CANNOT WORK WITH THIS GUY.

I THOUGHT HASHTAG WAS BAD. - NO ONE SHOULD FIGHT LIKE THIS.

NO MAN SHOULD FIGHT LIKE THIS.

LAST TIME I WAS HERE, I FOUGHT MUCH LIKE THIS

WITH A MAN NAMED HANK MOODY,

WHO BESTED ME THAT NIGHT AND DESERVEDLY SO.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I SLEPT WITH HIS WOMAN.

- WHEELCHAIR OR NOT, NERO,

I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING COCK.

- THERE'S NO NEED. I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I DID NOT PENETRATE YOUR BELOVED THAT NIGHT.

I FULLY INTENDED TO,

BUT I HADN'T COME WITH A WOMAN IN SO LONG THAT I MERELY...

MADE WET IN MY TUNIC. - WHOA.

- SHE DID ME THE GREAT HONOR

OF MAKING IT SEEM LIKE WE MADE SWEET LOVE,

WHICH IS WHY SHE IS SUCH AN INCREDIBLE WOMAN.

- WHAT IS THIS, FUCKING CHRISTMAS?

THIS IS GREAT NEWS. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT?

- BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BETRAY EDDIE'S CONFIDENCE.

- UH-HUH.

- HER LOVELINESS IS GIVING ME AN ERECTION RIGHT NOW...

- NO.

- IN SPITE OF MY BEST EFFORTS TO STAY IN CHARACTER.

- YOU KNOW, AND ALSO,

I KIND OF WANTED YOU TO THINK THAT WE HAD.

- OH, REALLY? YOU DID, DID YOU?

- KAREN, IF YOU WOULD GRANT ME ANOTHER CHANCE,

I AM REASONABLY SURE I COULD PENETRATE YOU

IN A SATISFACTORY MANNER...

- [laughs]

- ALTHOUGH YOU WOULD HAVE TO LIFT ME UP

OFF OF THE CHAIR INTO THE BED.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX WITH A HANDICAPPED MAN?

- EDDIE, I THINK WE HAD A MOMENT,

AND I THINK THAT MOMENT'S PASSED.

- OH.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, GOLDILOCKS?

YOU EVER MADE LOVE TO A PARAPLEGIC?

- ACTUALLY, I DID ONCE.

I REALLY LIKED HIM, BUT THEN LEVON SCARED HIM AWAY.

HE TOLD HIM IF HE TRIED ANYTHING FUNNY,

HE'D PUSHED HIM INTO TRAFFIC.

- WHAT? I WAS YOUNG AND ANGRY, OKAY?

I DIDN'T HAVE A FUCKING FATHER.

- HE WAS REALLY GOOD AT ORAL SEX.

- [scoffs] GROSS. THAT'S FUCKING FOUL.

I KNEW I SHOULD'VE PUSHED THAT FUCKING GIMP INTO TRAFFIC.

- HEY, THAT'S NOT NICE.

- HE WASN'T--HE WASN'T AS GOOD AS YOURS TRULY?

- I'M SORRY TO SAY, YES. I MEAN, HE WAS REALLY GOOD.

- THAT'S ROUGH. - WHOA!

NOT ANY BETTER THAN EDWARD R. NERO,

WHO IS NOTHING IF NOT A CUNNING LINGUIST.

- YOU KNOW, I'M A SINGLE MOM, EDDIE.

AND I'M NOT EASILY WOOED.

- I'M A SINGLE FATHER WITH MILLIONS OF DOLLARS

AND UNLIMITED LOADS.

- "UNRIMITED ROADS"? [laughing]

EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, BITCHES!

- EVERYONE DO EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAYS.

I AM IN EXTRAORDINARY SHAPE,

BUT I DO NOT THINK I COULD SURVIVE A BULLET IN THE HEAD.

- OKAY. - COME ON!

- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? - NOPE.

HURRY! NOW!

- I THOUGHT YOU USED TO BE A COP.

- SHUT UP. - I WAS A FUCKING TRANSIT COP.

OKAY? WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE ANYWAY.

I DON'T HAVE A GUN ON ME.

- [screaming]

- [screaming]

[laughing] - EDWARD!

- OW!

- LATER, BITCHES! [laughing]

[shouts indistinctly] - BYE, MI.

- HEY! - I HAD FUN TONIGHT.

- THAT'S MINE! [horn blares]

- AREN'T YOU GLAD WE DIDN'T GO

TO SOME BORING PLACE ON ABBOT KINNEY?

- DO YOU THINK EDDIE'S GONNA BE OKAY?

- HE SEEMED ALL RIGHT AS THEY WERE LOADING HIM

INTO THE AMBULANCE.

HE ASKED ME TO EMAIL HIM THE DRAFT OF THE MONOLOGUE ASAP

SO HE CAN START LEARNING HIS LINES.

- [laughs]

- IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S ACTUALLY HUMAN OR ANYTHING.

I THINK HE'S GONNA BE FINE.

- ISN'T IT CRAZY HOW NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS

IN CHARLIE AND MARCY'S HOUSE?

IT'S LIKE THAT PLACE WAS BUILT

ON SOME INDIAN BURIAL GROUND OR SOMETHING.

- YEAH. IT'S LIKE THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH

OF HORNY MALIBU INDIANS ROLLING AROUND UNDERNEATH THERE.

I DON'T KNOW.

- GOOD NIGHT. - GOOD NIGHT.

HEY, AT LEAST I LEARNED THAT YOU DIDN'T DO SEX WITH EDDIE NERO,

SO I WILL SLEEP EASIER TONIGHT.

- AND I LEARNED THAT YOU RECENTLY DID DO SEX

WITH THE MOTHER OF YOUR FIRST CHILD.

- I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

- WHY? IT'S YOUR LIFE.

IF THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT IT YOU DON'T LIKE,

YOU COULD CHANGE IT.

- I AM TRYING. - HANK...

AGAIN, I ASK YOU WHY.

YOU THRIVE ON CHAOS.

I MEAN, YOU NEED TO BE IN THE MIDDLE

OF SOME KIND OF MESS OF YOUR OWN CREATION, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU ATTRACTIVE...

AND ALSO IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE WITH.

- "IMPOSSIBLE" IS A VERY STRONG WORD, KAREN.

- HANK, I LOVE YOU...

BUT I CAN'T BE WITH YOU.

WHEN WILL YOU ACCEPT THAT?

- NEVER.

IT'S ALSO WHAT MAKES ME ATTRACTIVE.

- [laughs]

YEAH...

AND VERY LONELY.

- * TELL MYSELF YOU NEVER LOVED ME *

* NO

* OH, NO

* TIME CAST A SPELL ON YOU

* BUT YOU WON'T FORGET ME

* I KNOW I COULD HAVE LOVED YOU *

* BUT YOU WOULD NOT LET ME

* I WILL FOLLOW YOU DOWN

* TILL THE SOUND OF MY VOICE

* WILL HAUNT YOU

* YOU WILL NEVER GET AWAY

* FROM THE SOUND OF A WOMAN

* THAT LOVES YOU

* I WILL FOLLOW YOU DOWN

* TILL THE SOUND OF MY VOICE

* WILL HAUNT YOU