Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON CALIFORNICATION...

- RATH IS FUCKING MY SHIT UP.

HE'S ALL ABOUT THE DRAMA, I'M ALL ABOUT THE FUCKING FUNNY.

- I'M--I'M NOT THAT FUNNY.

- YEAH, BUT YOU IS FUCKING WITTY,

AND TOGETHER WE CAN--

DAMN. WHO'S THAT PIECE OF ASS?

- THAT? THAT WOULD BE JULIA.

- IS IT COOL IF I, UH, PURSUE HER?

YOU'RE NOT LOOKING TO REKINDLE?

- NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. - WHY NOT?

- THIS IS... - IT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.

- A TERRIBLE IDEA.

- I DON'T LIKE THE WAY RATH IS WRITING MY CHARACTER.

- YOU'RE--YOU'RE VERY PLEASANT, UH, JUST VERY--VERY REAL.

- [gasps] - OH!

[clears throat] - I CAN DO BETTER.

- I WANT TO SLEEP WITH MARCY AGAIN,

WITH YOUR PERMISSION AND HERS, OF COURSE.

I AM WILLING TO PAY YOU GUYS A COOL $1 MILLION

IF YOU WILL LET ME SLEEP WITH HER AGAIN.

THINK ABOUT IT.

- WE WERE WONDERING

IF MAYBE HE COULD AUDITION FOR A SMALL PART.

- UM, YEAH, YOU CAN READ

FOR SOMETHING. - AWESOME.

- I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT BECCA.

- I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I'M DUCKING YOU.

- WELL, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA TELL HER ABOUT LEVON?

- JUST DON'T GIVE UP ON ME, OKAY?

I'M STILL ME.

WE'RE STILL US.

[upbeat music]

*

- I GOT IT.

I FUCKING GOT IT.

HOW ABOUT I JUST KISS THE BITCH?

- WHAT? - NO.

- WHAT? WAIT. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

- WHAT IF I JUST GRABBED HER FACE,

WENT IN FOR A SLOW KISS,

AND JUST MADE OUT WITH HER, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

- OKAY, GUYS, I'M CALLING MY FUCKING AGENT,

'CAUSE THIS IS BULLSHIT. - AMY, HOLD ON.

- WAIT. HOW IS THIS BULLSHIT?

YO, LET'S BE BOLD UP IN THIS BITCH.

- YEAH, I-- - WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

- I'M NOT REALLY UP ON THE RULES

OF TELEVISION, PER SE, BUT I THINK THE IDEA IS TO--

IS TO MILK THE SEXUAL TENSION... - IT IS.

- FOR AS LONG AS INHUMANLY POSSIBLE.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

LET'S MILK THE SEXUAL TENSION, RIGHT?

FUCK THAT. LET'S CHANGE THAT RULE.

- I'D HAVE TO RUN THAT BY RATH.

- YO, WHERE'S THAT MOTHERFUCKER ANYWAYS?

HE'S NOT EVEN AROUND. HE'S NEVER EVEN HERE.

HE JUST SITS UP IN HIS IVORY TOWER,

PULLING STRINGS, JUST LIKE,

"DANCE FOR ME, MOTHERFUCKER! DANCE! YEAH! UNH!"

TELL HIM I AM NOT HIS BOJANGLES.

- HE'S GOT, LIKE, A ZILLION THINGS TO DO,

AND HE--HE THINKS THE SET IS A BIG TIME-WASTER,

AND I'M BEGINNING TO SEE HIS POINT.

- [sighs] - LET'S NOT WASTE TIME, THEN.

WHAT IF I KISS THIS BITCH, MAKE HER JEALOUS,

AND THEY JUST START, LIKE, FIGHTING.

- CAN YOU STOP CALLING

US BITCHES, HASHTAG? - YEAH.

- OH, I'M SORRY, LADIES.

LOOK, I'M-- LOOK, I MEAN NO HARM.

IT'S JUST, LIKE--YOU KNOW, I GOT LOVE FOR BOTH OF Y'ALL,

BUT IT'S THE WAY I EXPRESS MYSELF.

YOU GOT TO LET ME BE FREE WITH MY LANGUAGE.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES ME THE BRUCE LEE OF COMEDY,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"ENTER THE FUCKING DRAGON," WHOO!

- HERR DIRECTOR,

CARE TO WEIGH IN WITH YOUR EXPERT OPINION?

- I MEAN, I THINK HASHTAG HAS A POINT.

NETWORK TELEVISION IS ON ITS FUCKING DEATHBED.

GOETHE SAID IT BEST.

LET'S BE BOLD, MIGHTY FORCES WILL COME TO OUR AID.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? - HUH? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS BITCH "BERTA" IS,

BUT I LIKE THE WAY SHE THINKS.

- ALL RIGHT, SO I THINK YOU SHOULD TALK TO RATH.

HALF HOUR, YOU GUYS.

HALF HOUR, EVERYBODY.

- YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?

- I THINK IT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.

HE'S A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON.

HE TERRIFIES ME, HANK,

BUT I GOT TO KEEP HIM ON MY SIDE,

OR IT'S GONNA BE A LONG FUCKING SEASON.

- YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS, YOU KNOW THAT?

- AM I? AM I USELESS?

OR AM I, LIKE, A STRATEGIC THINKER?

- USELESS.

- JUST GO TALK TO RATH.

HE'LL SHOUT IT DOWN. WE'LL DO IT AS SCRIPTED.

SOMETIMES YOU GOT TO INDULGE THE CHILDREN.

- HEY. - HEY.

- YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE ME KISS THAT FUCKING LUNATIC, ARE YOU?

- NOT IF I CAN HELP IT. - THANK GOD...

'CAUSE I CAN THINK OF SOMEBODY ELSE I'D MUCH RATHER BE KISSING.

- THE DIRECTOR? - [laughs]

GOD. [gasps] DID I TELL YOU?

HE TEXTED ME A PICTURE OF HIS PENIS.

- OH. HOW'D YOU RESPOND?

- I TEXTED BACK, SAYING, "WHERE'S THE REST OF IT?"

- AH! - [laughs]

HE HASN'T GIVE ME A NOTE SINCE.

- AMY TAYLOR WALSH, KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES.

- THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER.

- YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER. - [laughs]

SPEAKING OF NOTES... - YEAH?

- DO YOU WANT TO COME TO MY TRAILER AND DISCUSS.

- YEAH, I'M--I'M TRYING TO BE A GOOD BOY, YOU KNOW?

I'M TRYING TO KEEP MY HEAD ON STRAIGHT.

- [sighs] WHY, HANK? WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT?

- NO, IT'S NOT FUN. IT'S NOT FUN AT ALL.

BUT I'M NOT A "FUNSTER" RIGHT NOW.

- [laughs] - I'M TRYING TO BE A PRODUCER.

- [gasps] THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'RE A PRODUCER. OF COURSE. - MM-HMM.

- ACTUALLY, I DO NEED SOME HELP

PRODUCING SOMETHING IN MY TRAILER.

- YOU STOP! - [laughs]

- I'VE GOT TO TALK TO RATH BEFORE WE SHOOT THE SCENE,

AND I DON'T WANT A BONER WHILE I'M DOING THAT.

- FINE. COME BY AFTERWARDS.

THERE'S A FEW LINES THAT NEED SHARPENING.

- IT'S MORE THAN A FEW.

- IT'S TRIAGE, HANK.

WE DO WHAT WE CAN IN THE TIME WE HAVE,

AND IF WE'RE LUCKY,

WE HAVE SOME GOOD OLD DIRTY FUN WHILE WE'RE AT IT.

- GOSH, YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO HONORABLE.

- YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.

- NOT A GOOD IDEA, MY FRIEND. - WHAT?

- THAT WOMAN IS A FUCKING MAN-EATER.

THE STORIES ARE LEGENDARY.

- I AM STAYING STRONG, LIKE BULL.

- DO BETTER THAN THAT, OKAY?

YOU START FUCKING THE ACTRESSES,

THE WHOLE SHOW IS GONNA GO DOWN IN FLAMES.

TRUST ME, I'VE BEEN THERE, A COUPLE OF TIMES.

- I BELIEVE YOU.

- FUN MEMORIES, THOUGH. - OKAY.

BACK TO EARTH, WHERE HASHTAG WANTS ME TO REWRITE THE SCENE.

- FUCK THAT!

- THAT'S WHAT I SAID, IN MY HEAD.

- YOU'RE PRODUCING THE EPISODE, HANK.

YOU MAKE THE CALL.

IF THEY WANT TO DO SOMETHING STUPID, DON'T LET THEM.

YOU TELL THEM NO. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

- IT SOUNDS SIMPLE WHEN--WHEN YOU SAY IT.

- ALL RIGHT, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

- WHAT?

- HOW DO I GET BACK IN JULIA'S GOOD GRACES?

- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I THINK MAYBE YOU JUST GOT TO LET IT GO FOR A WHILE.

YOU KNOW, WAIT UNTIL--

WAIT UNTIL WE WRAP OR GET CANCELED.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THAT, YOU KNOW?

SHE HAUNTS MY DREAMS. - YEAH.

- HAS SHE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

- NO, NOT REALLY.

YOU KNOW, JUST... NO.

- YOU'RE NOT SNIFFING AROUND THERE, ARE YOU?

I MEAN, I WOULD UNDERSTAND THE TEMPTATION IF YOU WERE.

YOU HAVE THE KID IN COMMON. YOU BOTH HAVE PRIVATE PARTS.

I WOULD IMAGINE SHIT COULD GO DOWN PRETTY EASILY.

FUCK, I GOT TO GO. - REALLY? WHAT? WHERE?

WHAT COULD BE MORE FASCINATING AND IMPORTANT THAN THIS?

- I AM SITTING DOWN WITH EDDIE NERO.

THE NETWORK'S DESPERATE FOR SOME STUNT CASTING.

- WELL--WELL, GIVE THAT PANSEXUAL LOON MY BEST.

- I WILL.

- HE TOOK A MAN IN HIS MOUTH, YOU KNOW.

- REALLY? - YEAH, IT WAS RESEARCH

FOR A PART. HE'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.

HE ENGINEERED THAT ORGASM WITH HANDS AND FEET.

- CAN'T WAIT. - YEAH.

- STAY STRONG, HANK. - [groans]

- THESE ARE THE TIMES THAT TRY A MAN'S SOUL.

- YEAH.

- PSST! PSST!

- [sighs heavily]

OOH, AH. - HI.

- LET ME GUESS, RATH, HUH?

LOVELY.

GETS MY JUICES FLOWING. HOW ABOUT YO--MM.

MM, WELL, I GUESS SO.

HEY, YOU'RE NOT JUST BUTTERING ME UP FOR NOTES, ARE YOU?

- I DO HAVE ONE NOTE. - YOU DO? WHAT IS IT?

- SHUT UP AND FUCK ME. - WOW!

YOU REALLY HAVE CAUGHT THE BONING BUG, HAVEN'T YOU?

- IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

- NO, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT AT ALL. IT'S JUST--

- DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SINGLE MOMS BEING SEXUAL?

- I-I ENCOURAGE SINGLE MOMS

TO BE HIGHLY SEXUAL. - GOOD. [laughs]

- IT'S JUST THAT I WOULDN'T WANT LEVON TO FIND OUT ABOUT IT.

- FORGET ABOUT LEVON.

- YES, BUT I DON'T WANT TO GET HIS HOPES UP.

- OH, JUST STAY IN THE MOMENT, OKAY?

OH, MY-- OH, MY GOD!

[moaning] OH, MY GOD!

[moaning]

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

OH... [knock at door]

- MOM! IS HANK IN THERE?

- [sighs] FUCKING COCK-BLOCKER STRIKES AGAIN.

OH.

- HEY, BUDDY.

- WHAT'S GOING ON? - WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- YOU GUYS BEEN MESSING AROUND? - WHAT?

WHY WOULD YOU--WHY WOULD YOU-- WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?

- [laughs] - WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

THAT IS A WEIRD FUCKING QUESTION, DUDE, RIGHT?

- NO, IT'S NOT. - IT'S FUCKED UP.

- YEAH, WELL, THE ENERGY FEELS ALL WEIRD IN HERE RIGHT NOW...

- DOES IT? - AND YOUR MAKEUP'S ALL SCREWY.

YOU LOOK LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER. - DON'T BE SILLY, HONEY.

I JUST HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT THE SCENE.

- YEAH. - REALLY?

- CAN I HELP YOU? - I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

- OKAY, WELL, LET'S TALK. I THINK WE'RE GOOD?

- YEAH, I JUST NEED TO FIX UP MY MAKEUP.

GET OUT OF HERE. - BUT YOU GOT--YOU KNOW--

YEAH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT, AND YOU?

- [giggles] COME BACK.

- I'M ABOUT TO DO MY AUDITION.

CAN--CAN YOU BE IN THE ROOM WHEN I DO IT?

- AH, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT

RIGHT NOW, KID--SORRY. - PLEASE?

THE CASTING DIRECTOR HATES ME. SHE THINKS IT'S JUST A FAVOR.

- IT IS JUST A FAVOR. - YEAH, I KNOW.

BUT AT LEAST THIS WAY YOU CAN TELL RATH YOU SAW ME

AND I WAS FUCKING AWESOME.

I'M WORRIED THAT SHE'LL TELL HIM I SUCK,

AND HE'LL NEVER SEE IT.

FIVE MINUTES-- THAT'S ALL I ASK.

- HEY, HANK. UM, HASHTAG'S LOOKING FOR YOU.

- FUCK, WHERE IS HE? - AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, JUST TELL HIM I'M ON SET, ALL RIGHT?

- WAIT. THAT'S A LIE. - SO WHAT?

IT'S NOT THE FUCKING BOY SCOUTS.

- YOU DON'T NEED TO SIT IN ON THIS, HANK.

- YET, HERE I AM. LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

- READY, LEVON? - [sighs] SURE.

SHOULD--SHOULD I SIT OR STAND?

- TOTALLY UP TO YOU, HON.

- RELAX, KID. YOU'RE SWEATING LIKE A PIG.

- I KNOW. I KNOW.

I'M REALLY FUCKING NERVOUS. I'M SORRY.

[exhales sharply]

- NO, NO, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S GONNA HELP WITH THE SWEATING.

JUST-- - [exhales sharply]

- OH, MY GOD! OKAY. - YOU ALL RIGHT?

MAN DOWN. - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- I AM SO SORRY.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? NO PROBLEM. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

THANK YOU. OKAY, IT'S JUST--

- LEVON, LEAVE IT. - GREAT.

- SORRY. - NO, NOT TO WORRY.

HAVE A SEAT.

OKAY.

SLATE FOR THE CAMERA.

- HELLO. I'M LEVON MOODY...

- HEY-O.

- REP--REPRESENTED BY CHARLES RUNKLE,

THE RUNKLE AGENCY.

I'M READING FOR THE PART OF THE KID.

AND I'M OKAY WITH NUDITY.

- NO NUDITY REQUIRED.

- I KNOW. I'M JUST LETTING YOU KNOW I-I'M OKAY WITH IT.

I'M PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY BODY RIGHT NOW.

- GREAT. OKAY, YOU READY?

- YES. YES, I AM.

- YO, IS YOUR FATHER HOME?

- [mouths words]

- OH...

WHO--WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

- DANKO JONES IS WHO.

GET YOUR OLD MAN OUT HERE, KID.

- [farts]

- [imitates farting] EXCUSE ME.

I'M SORRY.

- I AM SO SORRY. I-I MEAN, EXCUSE ME.

I-I HAVE A REALLY NERVOUS TUMMY RIGHT NOW.

CAN--CAN I DO THAT AGAIN? - [imitates farting, laughs]

- YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK WE GOT IT.

[knock at door, door opens]

- SORRY. UH, HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME, HANK.

HE'S COMING UP THE STAIRS. - FUCK!

THAT WAS GREAT, KID. - IT STINKS IN HERE.

- IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER

WITHOUT THAT ONE-CHEEK SNEAK, BUT RIGHT UP UNTIL THEN, ACES.

HEY. SORRY. - OH, HEY, HANK.

NO, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.

- I'M JUST-- I GOT TO WAIT FOR HASHTAG.

HE'S JUST, YOU KNOW-- - OH, SIT DOWN. STAY.

YOU WANT A WATER?

- SURE. I'M--I'M A LITTLE PARCHED.

- OH, GOOD. - YEAH.

- HERE YOU GO. - THANK YOU.

- OH, LOOK AT YOU. - [laughs]

- YOU KIND OF FEEL IT, DON'T YOU?

- MM, MM-HMM. WHAT?

- YOU KNOW, LIKE, THE US OF IT ALL.

- OH, THAT! both: YEAH.

- SO MUCH TENSION.

- RIGHT, RIGHT. - YOU KNOW, JUST--

EVER SINCE YOU STARTED WORKING HERE...

- MM-HMM. - THIS JOB HAS JUST GOTTEN

TO BE SO MUCH MORE FUN, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, EXPONENTIALLY MORE FUN.

- WELL, YOU KNOW, I-I TRY TO BE ADDITIVE.

- YEAH. YEAH, IT'S JUST NICE

TO HAVE SOME REAL MALE ENERGY AROUND HERE.

- YEAH. MM-HMM. - YOU KNOW, RATH--HE'S COOL.

HE'S GREAT AND ALL,

BUT, YOU KNOW, HE'S JUST SO CLOSED OFF.

- YEAH, I DO FIND HIM EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE.

- OH, TOTALLY. - MM, YEAH.

- AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SIT NEXT TO HUGH.

- OH, I DO. - HE'S JUST--

- YEAH, IT'S EXCRUCIATING.

- YEAH, SO I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM INTO IT...

- ALL RIGHT. - IF YOU ARE.

- WELL, INTO WHAT EXACTLY?

- YOU KNOW, LIKE AN INTEROFFICE ROMANCE...

- OH, OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? - YOU KNOW, SOME KIND

OF A THING LIKE--YOU KNOW? - [laughs]

- OH. - YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT, JADE?

- OH. - I GOT AN IDEA.

LET'S NOT, AND PLEASURE OURSELVES

TO THE THOUGHT THAT WE DID.

- OH, A LITTLE NAUGHTY.

- YES, I TOOK THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT SEMINAR.

OR I BRIBED HUGH TO TAKE IT... - UH-HUH.

- WITH A SPRINKLES GIFT CARD, YOU KNOW?

AND I JUST DON'T THINK

THAT MY HANDSOME TEN INCHES IS WORTH THE TROUBLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY--

A MOMENT ON THE LIPS, A LIFETIME ON THE HIPS.

- IT DOESN'T REALLY MAKE SENSE. - OH, I AM MAKING YOU FLUSTERED!

[laughs] AREN'T I?

- YES, YOU ARE.

- COME ON, IT WOULD BE SO FUN, YOU KNOW.

AND IT'S NOT LOVE OR ANYTHING, YOU KNOW?

- NO, NO. - BUT YOU ARE DEFINITELY

THE HOTTEST GUY IN THE ROOM.

- WELL, THAT'S--THAT'S NOT REALLY SAYING MUCH, IS IT?

- OH, I MEAN, AND IT'S SAFE TO SAY

THAT I'M THE HOTTEST GIRL IN THE ROOM.

- WELL, YOU ARE. YOU ARE...

EXCEPT FOR TERRY, OF COURSE. - OF COURSE!

- RIGHT. - YEAH.

- TERRY IS PRETTY HO--

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH HIM, ANYWAY?

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET THE STRAIGHT STORY FROM ANYBODY.

- YEAH, I'M NOT REALLY SURE.

EVERYONE SAYS ONE THING, AND THEN HE SAYS ANOTH--

- YEP. - OH! OH, HEY.

- HANK, YOUR MANAGER'S HERE. - OH, AWESOME.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU THINK ABOUT IT, HANK.

- I WILL, "JARDE."

- [laughs] - THINK ABOUT WHAT?

- NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, HUGH.

GET OUT OF HERE.

CLOSE THE DOOR.

[sighs]

- JADE'S PRETTY CUTE, HUH? - TOTES.

- I'M TRYING TO GET THE NERVE TO ASK HER OUT.

- YOU SHOULD DO THAT. YOU SHOULD DO THAT RIGHT NOW.

- YEAH, YOU THINK I HAVE A SHOT? - YEAH.

WE'RE ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW, AREN'T WE?

SHE IS TOTALLY WARM FOR YOUR PEAR-SHAPED FORM, DUDE.

TRUST.

WHAT'S UP, SWEET CHEEKS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I CAME TO SUPPORT MY MOST IMPORTANT CLIENT

AS HE PRODUCES HIS VERY FIRST EPISODE OF TELEVISION.

- YEAH, IT'S REALLY KIND OF AN IMPOSITION, CHARLIE.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BABYSIT

YOUR PALE, POCKMARKED ASS RIGHT NOW.

- ACTUALLY, I KIND OF NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

- OF COURSE IT'S ABOUT YOU.

I SHOULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT SOONER.

- I'M IN A REALLY BAD WAY RIGHT NOW, HANK.

- WHAT IS IT--STILL WITH THE UNCOOPERATIVE WEEN?

- NO, THAT'S WORKING PRETTY WELL NOW, ACTUALLY.

- WELL, THAT'S GREAT!

RIGHT? - NOT EXACTLY.

- COME ON, CHARLIE, I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.

I GOT TO MEET KAREN FOR A DRINK LATER ON.

- A DRINK WITH KAREN-- WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

- EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKING CRAZY RIGHT NOW,

I DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN MAKE THE RIGHT MOVE TO SAVE MY LIFE,

AND SHE CENTERS ME, YOU KNOW?

- I COULD USE SOME CENTERING MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

- OKAY. ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, OUT WITH IT.

- [sighs] - WHAT IS IT?

- STU HAS OFFERED ME A MILLION DOLLARS

TO LET HIM FUCK MARCY AGAIN.

- [laughs] YOU'RE KIDDING?

- I'M NOT KIDDING. - THAT IS FUCKED UP, CHARLIE.

- I KNOW!

- YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO IT, ARE YOU?

- I DON'T KNOW YET.

MARCY REALLY WANTS THE MONEY.

WE COULD REALLY USE THE CASH. - WOW.

YOU KNOW, I-I WOULD NEVER BE OKAY WITH SOMEBODY

FUCKING KAREN FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.

I MEAN, I HAD TO PUT UP WITH BATES BANGING HER

FOR THAT WHOLE TIME, AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET PAID FOR IT.

AND WHO KNOWS WHAT KIND OF NASTY SHIT

IS SWIMMING AROUND THAT GUY'S URETHRA?

HE'S PROBABLY GOT THE AVIAN FLU SWIMMING AROUND IN HIS SEMEN.

- BACK TO ME, OKAY? - SURE. WHAT?

- ALL RIGHT, SLIGHTLY COMPLICATING MATTERS

IS THE FACT THAT EVERY SINGLE TIME WE DISCUSS IT,

WE GET INCREDIBLY TURNED ON AND END UP FUCKING.

- WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?

- I DON'T KNOW.

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU AND YOUR DICK, CHARLIE.

IT'S THAT DEEP DOWN, YOU DON'T BELIEVE

THAT YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

THAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM.

YOU GOT TO TELL YOUR DICK THAT IT'S OKAY

TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

SPEAK OF THE FUCKING DEVIL. - THE HANDSOME DEVIL.

HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING ON THE STAGE?

- IT'S A FUCKING NIGHTMARE, STU.

- CARE TO LEND A HAND? - OH, GOD, NO.

I'M WHAT THEY CALL A "HANDS-OFF EXECUTIVE PRODUCER."

- EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO THE MONEY, RIGHT?

- OH, BUT OF COURSE.

OH, SPEAKING OF MONEY,

I'M GONNA BE PUTTING A CLOCK

ON THAT OFFER I MADE YOU, CHARLIE.

I THINK YOU KNOW WHICH ONE I'M TALKING ABOUT.

- YEAH, WE KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR INDECENT PROPOSAL, STU.

- WELL, I THINK IT IS VERY DECENT--

- OH! OH-HO! - OH!

- MY MAN, BUTTERBEAN! - OH!

- CHAMPION! - JESUS!

RUNKLE, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

- YOU INSULTED MY MAN'S PRIDE.

- THAT'S RIGHT. - INSULTED HIM?

I MADE A VERY GENEROUS OFFER,

AND I THINK IT SPEAKS TO THE DEPTH

OF MY FEELINGS FOR MARCY THAT THE OFFER STILL STANDS,

IN SPITE OF THIS COMPLETELY UNWARRANTED AGGRESSION.

- HASHTAG'S LOOKING FOR YOU, HANK.

- WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT ASSHOLE WANT NOW?

HE'S STANDING RIGHT BEHIND ME, ISN'T HE?

- I THOUGHT WE WAS FRIENDS, MOODY.

- WE ARE, HASHTAG. WE ARE.

IT'S JUST--IT'S-- I'M IN SUCH A FRENZY HERE,

AND THIS BITCH IS RUNNING OFF THE RAILS AS WE SPEAK.

- COME ON, WALK WITH ME.

MAN, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT MOTHERFUCKER?

- WHICH ONE?

- THE ONE WHOSE GENDER CONFUSES THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

- TERRY, YEP. - YEAH, TERRY.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT LADY-DUDE?

- I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER.

I DON'T KNOW. - YOU SMOKE WEED?

- I MOST CERTAINLY DO. - SMOKE WITH ME.

VAPORIZER. - I WILL.

- LEVEL WITH ME, MOODY.

YOU THINK I GOT WHAT IT TAKES? - WHAT IT TAKES?

- YEAH, TO HANDLE SUPERSTARDOM.

- SURE. WHY NOT, HASHTAG? YOU'RE AS COOL AS THEY COME.

- I PRESENT MYSELF THAT WAY, BUT I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

IT'S LIKE, SOMETIMES I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE CLUBS,

YOU KNOW, MAKE MOTHERFUCKERS LAUGH THEIR ASSES OFF,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? - YEAH, I GET IT.

SOMETIMES I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD BEDROOM

AND WRITE A SHORT STORY AND THEN PLEASURE MYSELF

TO MY TRUSTY OLD COPY OF PENTHOUSE LETTERS.

- YOU KNOW, IF THIS SHIT FLOPS, RIGHT,

MY FACE IS ON EVERY BILLBOARD.

THAT'S WHY I'M SO PARTICULAR ABOUT MY SHIT.

- I-I UNDERSTAND. IT'S JUST--

I WOULDN'T STEER YOU WRONG, HASHTAG.

- SO WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT AMY TAYLOR WALSH?

- VERY TALENTED.

- YEAH, YEAH, SHE'S A GOOD ACTOR AND ALL.

I'M SAYING, LIKE, YOU KNOW, SHE'S CRAZY HOT, RIGHT?

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU WRITE ME A SCENE WHERE ME AND HER--

LIKE, WE'RE JUST MAKING OUT.

I MEAN, I DON'T CARE IF IT'S, LIKE, A DREAM SEQUENCE.

THAT WAY, IF THE SHOW GET CANCELED,

AT LEAST I'LL HAVE THAT.

- I COULD DO THAT FOR YOU, HASHTAG,

BUT I THINK THE THIRD EPISODE IS TOO SOON, YOU KNOW?

- I TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE INTO JULIA.

- NAH, JULIA, MAN-- IT'S TOO COMPLICATED.

YOU GOT A KID WITH HER. RATH DIGS HER.

[clicks tongue] I'M GOOD, MAN.

I'M NOT TRYING TO HAVE A PROJECT ON MY HANDS, YOU FEEL ME?

- COPY THAT, MOTHERFUCKER. - [laughs]

YEAH, MAN.

YOU KNOW, I'M HAPPY WE HAD THIS TALK.

I FEEL LIKE WE CONNECTED ON A HUMAN LEVEL.

- ME TOO.

- I REALLY RESPECT YOUR WRITING. - THANK YOU.

AND I REALLY RESPECT YOUR TASTE IN WEED.

- HEY, WE CAN SMOKE ANYTIME.

- BOYS! AH!

- [laughs] WHAT UP? WHAT UP? - OH, WHOO!

- HEY, Y'ALL GOT SOME PITCHES FOR ME?

- YEAH! YO, MAN, WE GOT A PHONE BOOK

FULL OF FUNNY SHIT RIGHT HERE, BROTHER, RIGHT HERE.

- WE'RE SHITTING JOKES ON THE WALK OVER HERE, BOY.

- SHITTING JOKES? SHITTING JOKES!

- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? [laughter]

- SHIT THEM JOKES! HEY, FUCK EXPOSITION, RIGHT?

- WAIT, WAIT, HOLD IT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- OH, I HAD THEM REWRITE THE SCENE, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

PUNCH IT UP, MAKE IT FUNNY. - MY--MY SCENE?

THE ONE I WROTE, THE ONE WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOOT?

- I MEAN, YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT TO REWRITE IT,

SO I HAD THESE BOYS COME IN, YOU KNOW, MAKE IT FUNNY.

AND PLUS, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NOT A COMEDY WRITER.

- BUT I'M WITTY, RIGHT? [laughter]

- SORRY, MOODY. - I STILL LOVE YOU, MOODY.

- AMY TAYLOR WALSH WANTS TO SEE YOU...

IN HER TRAILER. - LOVELY.

- DO YOU WANT ME TO CHAPERONE?

I DO HAVE A LOT OF EXPERIENCE WITH THESE WEIRDOES.

- THAT IS A KIND OFFER, TERRY, BUT--

BUT, NO, THANK YOU.

BUT--BUT CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

- YES.

- NEVER MIND.

FORGET IT.

[knock at door] - COME IN.

- WOWZA.

- JUST WANTED YOUR THOUGHTS ON MY WARDROBE.

- HUH. - WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- I THINK IT LOOKS GREAT.

IS--IS THERE ANOTHER OPTION?

- NOPE. [laughs]

I JUST REALLY WANTED YOU TO SEE ME IN MY LACY UNDERTHINGS.

- MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, AND THANK YOU FOR THAT.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU KNOW, I DO NEED TO FIX SOMETHING.

- WHAT IS THAT? - THIS.

- MM. - THERE, DONE.

- WHAT--WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU FIX?

- I JUST--I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS RIGHT

THAT YOU'D GONE DOWN ON ME, AND WE HADN'T EVEN KISSED YET.

- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THAT DOES SEEM A LITTLE IMPROPER.

- MM-HMM. - ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

- YEAH, VERY.

- OH, YOU--OOH, YOU KNOW WHAT, AMY TAYLOR WALSH?

I'M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB HERE

AND SUGGEST THAT PERHAPS THIS IS NOT THE BEST OF IDEAS.

- WHY IS THAT?

- BECAUSE THESE ARE THE TIMES THAT TRY MEN'S SOULS.

- [laughs] IS THAT WHAT I'M DOING?

- YEAH. - AM I TRYING YOUR SOUL?

- AMONG OTHER THINGS. - [chuckles]

MM. ARE YOU HIGH?

- UM, A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN I'D LIKE TO BE.

- HMM. WHO'D YOU GET HIGH WITH?

[door opens] - AMY TAYLOR WALSH!

WHAT THE-- WHAT THE--

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? - WHAT THE FUCK?

YOU CAN'T JUST COME BUSTING INTO MY TRAILER!

- LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR.

- I WASN'T EXPECTING ANY FUCKING VISITORS.

- LISTEN, I'M GONNA GO-- - THIS IS MY JOINT, OKAY?

I'M NUMBER ONE ON THE CALL SHEET!

- I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT NUMBER YOU ARE,

I'M NOT GONNA FUCK YOU, HASHTAG.

- WELL, YOU MAKING A MISTAKE,

'CAUSE BITCHES LOVE ME, AND I NEED AN ON-SET ROMANCE!

- GO FUCK AN EXTRA! THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE FOR.

- I'M TOO PRETTY FOR THAT. - GET OUT!

- BULLSHIT! [door slams]

- CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW UNPROFESSIONAL SOME PEOPLE ARE?

- SO UNPROFESSIONAL. - SO CRAZY.

[door opens]

- MOODY, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, MAN.

AFTER THE TALK WE HAD? THIS IS BULLSHIT.

- GET OUT.

- THEY'RE READY ON SET.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S MAKE SOME TELEVISION!

ARE YOU ON YOUR WAY? - YEAH, I'M ON MY WAY.

HOW ABOUT YOU? - I WILL BE, SHORTLY...

VERY SHORTLY.

WE JUST GOT TO REHEARSE THIS SCENE.

30 MINUTES OR LESS. - OH, HANK.

I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR WHAT ALREADY PROMISES

TO BE A PRETTY UNPLEASANT CONVERSATION.

- WHY YOU GOT TO BE LIKE THAT?

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS. AND THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR DOING IT. - IT'S OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I JUST WANT TO TALK

ABOUT HOW AND WHEN YOU PLAN TO TELL BECCA

ABOUT ALL THE SHINY, NEW PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE,

AND THEN--AND THEN I WANT TO GO, OKAY?

I WANT TO GO HOME.

DEAL? - DEAL.

BUT I JUST GOT TO SEE YOU SMILE

BEFORE YOU GO HOME, OKAY? ONE TIME?

- I CAN'T MAKE ANY PROMISES.

- PERFECT. I WOULDN'T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY.

I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

- I THOUGHT YOU COULD USE THIS. - OH.

THANKS, KID, YOU READ MY MIND.

- HOW DID I DO? WAS I ANY GOOD?

- I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER IT, EXCEPT FOR THE FART,

WHICH WAS GOOD-- SOLID, SOLID FART.

- YEAH, IT WAS FUCKING EMBARRASSING, THOUGH.

- IT WAS MEMORABLE.

- YOU WERE RIGHT. EDDIE NERO IS A FUCKING PSYCHO.

I MEAN, THE GUY WOULDN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU

AND TAKING A MAN IN HIS MOUTH.

I THINK WHAT HE REALLY WANTS IS TO TAKE YOU IN HIS MOUTH.

- OH, WELL, IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO BE WANTED.

- YEAH. HOW'S IT GOING?

- NOT GREAT.

- ARE YOU STONED? - HUH?

- ARE YOU STONED? - NOT AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO BE.

- AND TRY ONE. - WE'LL JUST TRY IT.

- WILL YOU JUST LISTEN? - AND ACTION.

- FREEZE! - FREEZE!

- YOU GOT THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SEXY.

- OH, COME ON!

- AND ANYTHING YOU SAY WILL BE HELD AGAINST ME.

- ONE TIME, DO IT LIKE THE SCRIPT--ONCE.

- DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE KISSES THAT'S COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?

- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? CUT!

- WHO THE HELL IS YELLING "CUT" ON MY SE--OH, SORRY.

- I CALL "CUT" WHEN I SEE THE INMATES

RUNNING THE FUCKING ASYLUM!

HANK, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, MAN?

- I THINK HASHTAG IS JUST WORKING SOME SHIT

THROUGH HIS SYSTEM, AND--AND, YOU KNOW,

WE'RE GONNA CIRCLE BACK AND GET IT ALL.

IT'S GONNA BE FINE. - YOU'RE THE ADULT.

YOU HAVE TO BABYSIT THEM,

OR THEY'RE GONNA ROLLERBLADE ALL OVER YOU.

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. MOODY'S YOUR IDEA OF AN ADULT...

WHEN HE'S STICKING HIS PECKER IN ALL THE FEMALE ACTRESSES?

FOR REAL?

- OKAY, LET'S NOT REHASH ANCIENT HISTORY.

THAT WAS WEEKS AGO. WE'RE PAST THAT.

NOW LET'S DEAL WITH THIS.

- OH, NO, IT WAS FIVE MINUTES AGO!

I CAUGHT HIM MACKING ON AMY TAYLOR WALSH.

- WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU?

- YOU WERE MACKING ON HER? - [sighs]

- WHAT DOES "MACKING" MEAN? - NOTHING.

- IT MEANS, LIKE, MAKING OUT.

- YOU WERE--YOU WERE MACKING ON HER WHEN YOU WERE INSIDE OF ME?

- JULIA, HOLD ON. - WAIT. YOU WERE INSIDE HER?

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? - THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

- MAY I SUGGEST A SIDEBAR?

- SEE, I-I SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED MY GUT WITH YOU.

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE HIRED YOU. I WAS RIGHT.

YOU ARE A FUCKING TODDLER WITH A TOXIC PERSONALITY.

- WAIT. DOES THIS MEAN YOU GUYS ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER?

'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE INCREDIBLE.

IT'S LIKE THE WORLD'S GREATEST FUCKING LOVE STORY.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M PLAYING SECOND FIDDLE

TO A FUCKING GUEST STAR.

COME ON, REALLY? - THAT'S NOT VERY NICE.

- LOOK, I'M NOT TRYING TO BE A BITCH.

I'M-- - WAIT, WAIT. WAIT, WAIT.

TIME-OUT, TIME-OUT. WHAT'S THE RULES?

SHE SAID "BITCH." I CAN'T SAY "BITCH"?

- NOBODY'S TALKING TO YOU!

A WOMAN CAN SAY IT. EXACTLY. - OH, WOMEN CAN SAY IT?

- I'M SORRY. I JUST-- I'M FEELING SLIGHTLY USED.

THAT'S ALL IT WAS. SORRY. - I KNOW THE FEELING.

- YOU KNEW I LIKED HER. WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING SENSE OF HONOR?

- THIS GUY--HE HAS NO HONOR AND NO SHAME!

- WATCH IT, YOU FUCKING WORM. YOU WANT THAT STINK FINGER?

'CAUSE I'LL FUCKING GIVE IT TO YOU!

- ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED.

TAKE YOUR FUCKING STINK FINGERS AND GET THE FUCK OFF MY SET,

BEFORE YOU GIVE SOMEBODY PINKEYE!

- OKAY, EXCUSE ME.

WHOSE SET IS THIS?

YOU WANT TO FIRE SOMEONE, YOU GOT TO GO THROUGH ME.

- I'M AN EXECUTIVE PRODUCER. - IN NAME ONLY.

- CAN I FIRE HIM? - NO!

- YOU'RE LUCKY I LIVE TO SHOOT.

- RATH, LOOK, IT'S COMPLICATED. - IT'S NOT COMPLICATED.

I ASKED YOU, "ARE YOU OKAY WITH ME PURSUING HER?"

- YES. - YOU SAID YOU WERE, RIGHT?

- YES, YES. - THEN YOU MOVE IN ON HER?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? - I DIDN'T MOVE IN ON HER.

BUT IT'S LIKE YOU SAID--

WE SHARE A KID. WE BOTH HAVE PRIVATE PARTS.

SHIT HAPPENS.

AND I'M NOT--I'M NOT GONNA APOLOGIZE FOR ANY OF THIS SHIT.

IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHO SHE FUCKS

OR WHO SHE DOESN'T FUCK, 'CAUSE IT'S UP TO HER.

SHE DOESN'T EXIST TO SERVICE US.

WE'RE LUCKY SHE EVEN LOOKS IN OUR DIRECTION OCCASIONALLY.

- OH, I WANT TO BE MAD AT YOU, BUT THEN YOU'RE SO SWEET!

- I KNOW. WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

- WHAT THE-- - OKAY, BACK TO WORK!

LET'S DO THE FUCKING SCENE, ALL RIGHT?

IF THERE IS SO MUCH AS A COMMA OUT OF PLACE,

WE STAY ALL NIGHT UNTIL WE GET IT!

THIS ISN'T THE FUCKING IMPROV OLYMPICS, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S RICK RATH'S FINISHING SCHOOL FOR ASSHOLES,

WHERE THE SCRIPT IS INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY!

[cell phone ringing]

- KAREN, I AM SO SORRY. I'M ON MY WAY.

- HANK, IT'S MARCY.

- MARCY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH KAREN'S PHONE?

AND WHAT'S THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU FUCKING STU FOR MONEY?

- HANK, SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME.

I GOT TO TRY TO GET THROUGH THIS WITHOUT CRYING.

I'M AT THE HOSPITAL.

KAREN WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

[engine turning]