Original subtitles

- FUCK OFF. GO AWAY.

male announcer: PREVIOUSLY, ON CALIFORNICATION...

- AND WHAT'S THIS BIG FAN GONNA DO WITH ME?

- HEY, YOU, I'M SOMEBODY'S MOTHER.

- YOU'RE NOT MINE, LOVE.

- THIS IS CHRIS. HE'S IN MY YOGA CLASS.

- BYE. BYE, NOW.

- MY DICK ISN'T WORKING.

I CAN'T MAKE SWEET LOVE TO MY WIFE.

- YOU HAVE ANOTHER FAMILY!

THE BOTTOM HAS JUST OFFICIALLY DROPPED OUT OF OUR RELATIONSHIP!

- I HAVE A PROPOSAL FOR YOU.

I WANT TO SLEEP WITH MARCY AGAIN.

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

- I DON'T KNOW.

- [laughs]

- WHAT THE FUCK? - I'M SO GRATEFUL TO YOU

FOR GIVING ME AN ACTING JOB,

BUT IF THE JOB COMES WITH STRINGS ATTACHED,

THEN I CANNOT AND WILL NOT DO IT.

- [sobbing] I'M BROKE, HANK.

THE KIND OF BROKE THAT FORCES A MAN TO DO SOMETHING DESPERATE.

- NIKKI, I'M PAYING YOU VERY GOOD MONEY

TO BE MY DATE TONIGHT.

- I JUST WANTED TO MAKE A LITTLE EXTRA CASH.

HE SAID THAT HANK WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT.

- YOU GOT HIM A HOOKER?

WE NEVER SHOULD'VE MOVED TO L.A.

- OH, THAT'S SO GOOD.

OH, MY GOD, THAT'S SO GOOD.

- OHH, YES. - YEAH, I LOVE IT

WHEN YOU YOU PULL-- [door slams]

- UGH, YOU AGAIN? - HELLO, HANK?

- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? - NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

- I'M NOT SURE THAT'S ENTIRELY TRUE, KAREN.

- WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- THAT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

- OKAY, LET'S GET OUT. - NO, HEY, IF YOU MUST KNOW,

I CAME BY TO GIVE YOU AN OUNCE OR TWO OF SATISFACTION.

JULIA FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WHOLE HOOKER THING,

AND SHE WAS MOST DISPLEASED.

SHE SLAPPED ME, HARD.

- GOOD FOR HER.

- I ALSO CAME BY TO GIVE YOU THIS.

- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? - I GOT PAID FOR MY EPISODE,

AND I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED A LITTLE MOOLAH.

I DON'T SEE YOU WORKING VERY MUCH,

AND EVEN WHEN YOU ARE, YOU'RE JUST WORKING

ON YOUR LITTLE SKETCHES

AND PLAYING WITH YOUR LITTLE MODELS,

AND THAT CAN'T BE VERY LUCRATIVE.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

- YOU CANNOT BUY MY FORGIVENESS.

- NOT TRYING TO BUY ANYTHING, KAREN,

LEAST OF ALL YOUR FORGIVENESS.

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG!

- [sighs] COULD YOU LEAVE, PLEASE?

- WELL, I WOULD, BUT I DON'T FEEL

LIKE WE'VE SETTLED ANYTHING HERE, YOU KNOW?

- THERE IS NOTHING TO SETTLE, HANK.

- HANK, I BELIEVE THE LADY ASKED YOU TO LEAVE.

- OH, DO NOT START WITH ME, YOGA MAN.

- YOU ARE VERY RUDE, HANK.

- OH, I'M RUDE? - HE'S RUDE. VERY RUDE.

- I'M RUDE? I'M ONTO YOUR SHTICK.

I KNOW WHAT YOU DO. YOU PREY ON ALL THESE

HEARTBROKEN, HORNY WESTSIDE WOMEN.

- UM, THIS WESTSIDE WOMAN IS NOT HEARTBROKEN.

- OH? I NOTICE YOU DIDN'T SAY "NOT HORNY," KAREN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THAT? THAT'S A SIN OF OMISSION.

- LET'S GO.

- HEY, DON'T GET HANDSY WITH ME, BRO.

- YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

[kicking thud] OW!

- OW! FUCK, THAT HURT!

- [gasps]

- YEAH. - AGH!

- THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT HAPPENED.

[upbeat music]

*

[rock music]

*

- MMM, MMM.

[indistinct chatter]

- DID YOU GET IN A FIGHT?

- SHUT UP. WHERE'S LEVON?

- OH, HE CALLED IN SICK TODAY.

- WHERE'S RATH? - HE'S EATING IN HIS OFFICE.

- IS THAT NORMAL?

- ONLY WHEN HE'S SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF ABOUT SOMETHING.

- HAS HE GIVEN YOU NOTES YET?

- NO, RADIO SILENCE. IS THAT NORMAL?

- HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME.

SOMETIMES, HE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL...

AND THEN REWRITES EVERY WORD.

- MAYBE HE JUST DOESN'T LIKE YOUR WRITING.

- [chuckling] NO, NO, NO, HE LOVES MY WRITING.

- OH. - BULLSHIT.

HE HATES YOUR WRITING. HE SAYS THAT OUT LOUD.

- THAT'S REALLY MEAN, ALONZO.

- IT'S NOT ME SAYING IT. I DON'T HATE YOUR WRITING.

- I HATE YOUR WRITING. [laughter]

- SIT AND SPIN, TERRY.

SIT AND SPIN.

- WAIT, I LIKE YOUR WRITING, SWEETIE,

WHEN YOU'RE NOT TRYING TOO HARD TO BE COOL.

- OOH! - WHICH IS A LOT.

STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.

- OOH.

- PAGE ONE REWRITE.

- OH, NO. - JESUS, THAT BAD?

- I MAY NOT BE HAPPY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, HANK,

FOR A VARIETY OF DAMN GOOD REASONS,

BUT I'M TOO MUCH OF A PROFESSIONAL

TO LET THAT SHIT INFLUENCE THE READ.

THE WRITING'S FINE. LITTLE SMART-ALECKY, MAYBE,

LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TOO HARD TO BE COOL

LIKE FUCKIN' HUGH OVER THERE.

- WHOA, WELL, THAT IS THE MEANEST THING

ANYBODY'S EVER SAID TO ME.

- BUT HERE'S THE REAL PROBLEM:

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH JULIA.

SHE DOESN'T WANT THE PART. WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO RECAST.

THIS IS A FUCKING THREAD-PULLER.

WITHOUT HER, THE WHOLE STORY FALLS APART,

SO CANCEL YOUR PLANS, 'CAUSE WE'RE STAYING IN TONIGHT.

[all groan] - [chuckles]

GANG BANG! OOH! OOH!

[rock music]

*

[drill grinding]

- HI. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- CAME HERE TO TRY AND TALK SOME SENSE INTO YOU, WOMAN.

- HMM. YEAH, I THINK

YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO REWRITE YOUR SCRIPT.

- YOU ENJOYING THE VIEW, PAL? - [chuckles]

- [chuckles] - BEHAVE YOURSELF, LOU.

- IT'S NOT ABOUT NOT REWRITING A SCRIPT.

IT'S ABOUT ME TRYING TO PREVENT YOU

FROM NOT CHASING YOUR DREAMS. - MM.

- I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOOK BACK AND HAVE ANY REGRETS.

- OH, I HAVE REGRETS. I HAVE TONS OF REGRETS.

I'M TRYING TO MINIMIZE THOSE REGRETS

BY NOT BEING AROUND YOU, OR RICK RATH OR HASHTAG BLACK.

YOU'RE ALL CRAZY PEOPLE.

I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

NOBODY EVER DOES ANYTHING DECENT FOR ANOTHER PERSON

WITHOUT WANTING SOMETHING IN RETURN,

ESPECIALLY A GUY. - WOW.

- HELLO, HELLO. WHAT'S ALL THIS?

- IT'S LEVON'S DAD.

- SO THIS IS LEVON'S FATHER.

- YEAH, WELL, THERE HASN'T BEEN A TEST OR ANYTHING YET,

BUT I AM PROCEEDING AS THOUGH I AM, YES.

- [laughs] DR. DANIEL ALLEN, DDS.

YOU CAN CALL ME DR. DAN. - IF I MUST.

NICE TO MEET YOU, DENTAL DAN. HANK.

- UH, LET ME HANDLE THIS, JULIA.

WILL YOU STEP INTO MY OFFICE, HANK?

WELL, I'VE BEEN EAGER TO MEET YOU, HANK.

- YOU HAVE? - YES, I HAVE.

- WHY?

- WELL, BECAUSE JULIA MEANS A GREAT DEAL TO THIS OFFICE,

HANK, AND, UM... [chuckles] FROM WHAT I GATHER,

YOU ARE A SERIOUS THREAT TO HER HAPPINESS AND WELL-BEING,

WHICH IS ULTIMATELY A SERIOUS THREAT

TO MY HAPPINESS AND WELL-BEING.

- [laughs]

YOU HAVE DESIGNS ON HER, DON'T YOU?

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE INSINUATING.

- I'M INSINUATING THAT YOU'RE ONE HORNY FUCKIN' DENTIST,

DR. DAN. - [laughs] WELL,

I AM QUITE FOND OF HER, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

OF COURSE. SHE'S QUITE FOND-ABLE.

- ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW, I, UM...

I DIDN'T WANT TO BE AN ASTRONAUT WHEN I GREW UP, HANK.

I DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY FOR THE YANKEES.

NOT ME, I WANTED TO BE A DENTIST,

AND I WANTED TO MARRY A BUSTY, BLONDE HYGIENIST.

- OH, MY. - WHEN JULIA WALKED IN MY OFFICE

THAT VERY FIRST TIME, I KNEW SHE WAS THE ONE.

- IS SHE AWARE OF HER ROLE IN YOUR MANIFEST DESTINY?

- WELL, WE HAVEN'T DISCUSSED IT PER SE, BUT...

CHEMISTRY IS QUITE PALPABLE. - OH.

- WE ARE VERY GOOD FOR ONE ANOTHER, WE'RE A TEAM.

ISN'T THAT THE VERY DEFINITION OF A GREAT RELATIONSHIP,

TEAMWORK?

- I THOUGHT IT WAS LAUGHTER, HOT SEX,

AND THE OCCASIONAL DUTCH OVEN.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY GRANDMA ALWAYS SAID.

- YEAH. LOOK, DON'T--

JUST PLEASE DON'T GET HER HOPES UP

WITH THIS ACTING HOO-HA, HANK, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S CRUEL.

I'M--LOOK, I'M GLAD WE HAD THIS TALK.

- OH, ME TOO, DR. DAN, ME FUCKIN' TOO.

- HEY, YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE OFFICE, OKAY?

WE'RE ALL ABOUT PRESERVING SMILES HERE,

YOU KNOW, "MILES OF SMILES." THAT'S MY MOTTO.

YOU GOT IT?

- YEAH, I GOT IT. - OKAY.

[Sid Vicious's My Way]

- * REGRETS, I'VE HAD A FEW

* BUT THEN AGAIN TOO FEW TO MENTION *

- OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. MY LUNCH TODAY.

- * I SAW IT THOUGH WITHOUT EXEMPTION *

KRULL?

- HEY, HOW'S IT GOING, CHURCHILL?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING HERE?

- WH-WHY AREN'T YOU ON THE ROAD WITH ATTICUS RIGHT NOW?

- EH, I'VE RETIRED.

I DROVE HANK BACK TO SEE HIS LADY,

AND I FOUND MYSELF NOT WANTING TO TURN AROUND

AND GO BACK ON THE ROAD WITH THAT FUCKING NUT CASE.

- [laughs] - I'VE HAD ENOUGH, PAL.

BEEN 'ROUND THE WORLD TOO MANY TIMES,

TOO MANY LUNATICS.

HANK INSPIRED ME TO LOOK UP THE LOVE OF ME OWN LIFE.

- REALLY? - MM-HMM.

- THAT'S FANTASTIC. HOW'D THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU?

- NOT SO GREAT. TURNS OUT SHE'S DEAD.

- AH...BUMMER.

- YEAH, HOW'D IT WORK OUT FOR HANK?

- [inhales deeply] NOT SO GREAT, YEAH.

I MEAN, SHE'S ALIVE AND EVERYTHING,

BUT, UH, TSK, WASN'T SO KEEN ON REKINDLING.

IT'S A LONG STORY.

- OH, WELL. TIME TO RELAX.

TIME TO WORK ON ME MOTORBIKES AND ME MEMOIRS.

- [grunts] I BET YOU'VE SEEN SOME SHIT, HUH, KRULL?

- OH, I'VE SEEN SOME SHIT ALL RIGHT, MATE.

THE DIRTY LIFE AND TIMES OF A ROCK AND ROLL BUTLER.

- YEAH? WHO IS IT YOU'VE WORKED FOR?

- WELL, ATTICUS, OBVIOUSLY. - OBVIOUSLY.

- LET'S SEE, NOW. BOWIE, STONES, BAD COMPANY,

HENDRIX, PAUL MCCARTNEY, RINGO,

FLEETWOOD MAC, THE EAGLES.

- WOW.

- PISTOLS, MOTORHEAD, MOTLEY CRUE,

CLAPTON, SABBATH, OZZY.

- JESUS, THAT'S GONNA BE SOME FUCKIN' MEMOIR!

- IT'S A STORIED LIFE, GOV.

- HAVE YOU WRITTEN ANY OF IT DOWN?

- YEAH, ALL OF IT, STACKS OF PAGES.

I DON'T THINK I'M MUCH OF A WRITER, THOUGH.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT.

ARE THERE SOME PAGES I COULD LOOK AT?

- SURE, I SUPPOSE.

- COOL, LET'S GO.

- WHAT, NOW? - MM-HMM!

- I'M BLEEDIN' WORKING.

- THERE'S NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT, KRULL.

- [coughs]

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I DON'T KNOW. REALLY NEEDED A "ME" DAY.

- YOU DID, DID YA? - YEAH.

IT'S FUCKED UP AROUND HERE RIGHT NOW.

MOM'S ALL PISSED, SHE'S TALKING ABOUT MOVING BACK TO NEW YORK.

- MM. - THINKS I'VE LOST MY MORALS.

SHE DOESN'T REALIZE I NEVER REALLY HAD ANY

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- MM.

I GOTTA CONVINCE HER TO DO THIS THING,

AND WHEN I SAY "I," I MEAN "WE."

- SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT. SHE THINKS SHOW BUSINESS

IS ALL FUCKED UP AND CORRUPTIVE AND SHIT.

- SHE'S RIGHT.

- SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT ME TO WORK FOR THE SHOW ANYMORE.

SHE THINKS YOU'RE A BAD INFLUENCE ON ME.

- I AM. - IT'S COOL, THOUGH.

IF SHE DECIDES TO PACK IT UP AND MOVE BACK HOME,

I'LL JUST MOVE IN WITH YOU. - WHAT?

- YEAH, I'LL MOVE IN WITH YOU, AT CHARLIE'S,

OR WE'LL GET OUR OWN PLACE. HOW FUCKING COOL WOULD THAT BE?

- HERE. HERE.

[flicks lighter]

[bubbling]

- [squeaks] OOH.

[whispering] THAT DR. DAN IS A REAL FUCKIN' CREEPER.

- I HATE THAT FUCKIN' GUY.

HE'S ALWAYS STARING AT MOM'S TITS,

TRYING TO BE BUDDIES WITH ME. I CALL HIM DR. DICK.

- OH, WELL PLAYED.

- MOM GETS REAL MAD, THOUGH.

SHE SAYS I HAVE TO RESPECT MY ELDERS,

BUT THAT GUY CREEPS ME THE FUCK OUT.

- YEAH. WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

- YEAH, WE DO, DEFINITELY.

[sighs]

EH, WELL, TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY, RIGHT?

THIS IS REALLY COOL, SMOKING WEED WITH YOU, AND SHIT.

- GET UP, WE GOTTA GO. - WHAT?

- YEAH, YOU GOT A TOOTHACHE, YOU GOTTA SEE THE DENTIST.

- I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE, I'M HIGH AS FUCK RIGHT NOW.

- THAT'S WHY YOU CALLED IN SICK TODAY, THE BAD TOOTH.

COME ON. - I DID?

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

[rock music]

*

- BUT HE'S SO SAD WITHOUT YOU, MISSUS.

- I KNOW, I KNOW, IRMA,

BUT HE LET SOME C-LIST SKANK BLOW HIM.

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? - NADA, HE'S JUST A MAN.

HIS PENE GRANDE MAKE HIM DO STUPID THINGS.

- [sighs] - YOU COME BACK?

YOU PUT PERFECT?

[woman giggles]

- MARCY, IS THAT YOU?

PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE NOT A MIRAGE!

- WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE HOOKERS, STU?

- OOH, YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THAT.

- UH, YEAH, YOU SENT ONE OF THEM TO ME TO GET HER SNATCH WAXED.

HELLO. - OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

I DID PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR YOU.

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD USE THE BIZ.

- WELL, THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN OVER MY FINANCIAL WELL-BEING,

BUT WHY ARE YOU BANGING HOOKERS ALL OF A SUDDEN?

- WELL...

I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP

WITH ANYONE, MARCY.

YOU BROKE MY HEART. - I BROKE--

YOU BROKE MY HEART. YOU CHEATED ON ME.

- OH! TWO VERY ROUGH

AND TOOTHY BLOWJOBS, MARCY, NOT SILKY LIKE YOURS.

THE ORGASMS WERE PAINFUL.

IT WAS LIKE CUMMING INTO A BROKEN BEER BOTTLE.

- OY! I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO THIS SHIT WITH YOU, STU.

- WELL, YOU KNOW I HAVE MY NEEDS.

- YEAH, I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR NEEDS,

YOU'RE FUCKING INSATIABLE. - YEAH, WELL, WELL,

YOU HAVE GOT TO GET THE TOXINS OUT, MARCY, SOMEHOW, SOME WAY.

IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT'LL CLEAR A MAN'S HEAD.

AND SO NO MUSS, NO FUSS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A VERY HONEST TRANSACTION,

AND IT IS AN INCREDIBLE BUSINESS.

I MEAN, THEY MAKE SO MUCH MONEY.

- YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE DOING TV NOW.

I GUESS IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE YOU GOT INTO PROSTITUTION.

- WELL, THAT IS LOW, MARCY, AND IT IS COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED.

WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW A GOOD MOVIE?

- THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, OKAY. - UGH.

- WHY HAVE YOU COME HERE?

I--SOMETHING MUST HAVE DRAWN YOU TO ME.

- OKAY, WELL, I HAD THIS CRAZY IDEA

THAT I WAS GONNA ASK YOU FOR A LOAN,

BUT CHARLIE WAS RIGHT. NO FUCKING WAY.

- NO, NO, I DON'T DO LOANS, MARCY.

BUT I WOULD PAY YOU.

- FOR WHAT?

TO HAVE SEX WITH ME? - YEAH.

$1 MILLION TO BE INSIDE OF YOU AGAIN.

- I'M NOT A FUCKING PROSTITUTE, STU!

- I KNOW, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SUCH A HIGH-VALUE TARGET.

- OKAY, SO YOU'D SERIOUSLY PAY $1 MILLION TO FUCK ME?

- YEAH.

IN A HEARTBEAT.

AND IT WOULD BE THE MOST DELICIOUS ORGASM OF MY LIFE,

AND ALL OF THE MONEY WOULD GO TO MY FAVORITE CHARITY: YOU.

- JESUS.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BE FLATTERED

OR THROW THE FUCK UP.

- OR MAYBE YOU COULD JUST LET ME SMELL YOU FOR A FEW MINUTES--

- OKAY. - I COULD GO PLEASURE MYSELF.

HOW MUCH COULD I PAY YOU FOR THAT?

- EW!

YOU ARE A SAD AND DESPERATE MAN, STU.

BLECCH! - I AM.

I FUCKED UP!

THE PALACE IS CRUMBLING WITHOUT YOU, MARCY!

MARCY!

- HELLO, RHONDA. - LEVON.

HONEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- I HAVE A REALLY BAD TOOTHACHE. - YEAH.

- [sniffs] - REAL BAD.

- HAVE EITHER OF YOU BEEN SMOKING MARIJUANA?

[both laughing]

- NO WAY. - MM, MM-MMM.

- YO, WELL, HOW COME IT SMELLS

LIKE A ROCK CONCERT IN HERE ALL OF A SUDDEN?

- MM. - OH, NO--LISTEN,

GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH, YOUR MOTHER'S GONNA BE FURIOUS.

- HONEY, WHAT'S WRONG?

- UH-- - IT'S A--IT SEEMS LIKE

AN IMPACTED MOLAR SITUATION, BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?

- AHH. - OH.

- AHH.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE A TOOTHACHE?

- NOT REALLY.

- OH. - HANK MADE ME SAY IT.

- ASSHOLE.

HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING POT?

- YEAH, I KINDA NEEDED A "ME" DAY.

- [sighs] I UNDERSTAND.

- WHY ARE YOU SO UNDERSTANDING OF HIS FLAWS, BUT NOT MINE?

- 'CAUSE HE'S MY SON, AND YOU'RE JUST AN AMORAL PRICK.

- OH, I-I MAY BE AN UNCONVENTIONAL PARENT,

AND FATHER DOES NOT ALWAYS KNOW BEST,

BUT--BUT MY HEART IS IN THE RIGHT PLACE, YOU KNOW.

I SEE A PROBLEM, I TRY TO FIX IT.

LEVON WAS A VIRGIN, THAT WAS BUGGING HIM.

- [sighs] - HE'S NO LONGER A VIRGIN.

I REMEDIED THAT SHIT, BUT YOU,

YOU'RE A BIGGER PROBLEM, BECAUSE YOU'RE--

YOU'RE RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR DREAM.

WHY? 'CAUSE YOU'RE SCARED.

- OH, I'M NOT SCARED, NO. - YES, YOU ARE SCARED, YOU ARE.

- I JUST DON'T LIKE WHAT'S HAPPENED

EVER SINCE YOU'VE COME INTO OUR LIVES,

AND I DON'T WANT A JOB

JUST 'CAUSE SOME GUY WANTS TO FUCK ME.

- EVERYBODY WANTS TO FUCK YOU! GET USED TO IT.

THAT'S YOUR LOT IN LIFE.

"OH, WOE IS ME! EVERYBODY WANTS TO FUCK ME."

YOU THINK THIS PLACE IS ANY DIFFERENT FROM A TV SHOW?

DR. DAN HAS DESIGNS ON YOU TOO, YOU KNOW!

- NO, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- YEAH, HE WANTS TO MAKE YOU HIS BUSTY, BLONDE HYGIENIST BRIDE.

- THAT'S RIDICULOUS. - IT'S NOT RIDICULOUS, JULIA.

- OH, DR. DAN. NOT YOU TOO.

- I'M AFRAID SO, JULIA, BUT YOU CAN'T PRETEND

THAT YOU DON'T FEEL IT.

- FEEL WHAT, EXACTLY?

- WHA-- [laughs and stutters]

THE FLOW OF ENERGY BETWEEN US.

- I REALLY LOVE WORKING FOR YOU.

- YES, BUT IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

IT'S THE ELECTRICITY THAT COMES FROM...

KNOWING YOU'VE FOUND YOUR SOUL MATE.

- AH.

- OH, GOD, WE NEVER EVEN WENT ON A DATE.

- I WASN'T PREPARED FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TODAY, JULIA,

BUT IT SEEMS THIS MOMENT WANTS TO BE SEIZED.

SO HERE IN FRONT OF MY PATIENTS AND MY STAFF,

I VOW TO PROVIDE YOU WITH THE MOST WONDERFUL LIFE.

- GIRL... - HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE.

- DUDE, YOU ARE NOT PROPOSING TO MY MOM RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS NOT COOL. MOM,

DON'T YOU DARE SAY YES TO HIM.

- JULIA, LET ME TAKE CARE OF YOU.

LET ME EASE YOUR BURDEN.

I KNOW BEING A SINGLE MOTHER HAS TAKEN ITS TOLL ON YOU,

AND IT'S ROBBED YOU OF YOUR YOUTH, IF NOT YOUR BEAUTY.

- OH! - I KNOW LEVON,

HE PRESENTS A GREAT MANY CHALLENGES,

BUT I DO BELIEVE IN TIME I CAN LEARN

TO LOVE HIM AS IF HE WERE MY OWN.

- HE'S ALREADY GOT SOMEONE LEARNING TO DO THAT, THIS GUY!

- YEAH, I ALREADY HAVE A FATHER, AND HE'S NOT A FUCKING CREEPER!

- HEY, WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, SON.

I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT KIND OF TALK IN MY HOME!

I DON'T BLAME YOU, THOUGH.

IT'S OBVIOUS YOU JUST NEED A POSITIVE MALE ROLE MODEL.

- [groans] - OH!

- HONEY! - OH, YEAH.

- LEVON!

[overlapping chatter]

- YOU CHUBBY, LITTLE FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!

- HEY, DON'T TALK TO MY SON LIKE--

[all yelling] - OH! OH, MY GOSH!

- [spits]

- MY TOOTH!

YOU BROKE MY FUCKIN' TOOTH! YOU'RE A GODDAMN ANIMAL!

- THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHA-FUCKA!

I STILL GOT IT. - WAY TO GO, DAD.

- I STILL GOT IT. I STILL GOT IT.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

- JULIA! HAVE YOU HAD A CHANGE OF HEART?

- I'M IN, I'M ALL IN.

- MUSIC TO MY EARS. GANG BANG AVERTED, KIDS.

- YES! [relieved responses]

- I FUCKIN' LOVE GANG BANGS.

- THANK GOD both: BAM.

- I HAD SOME NOTES ON THE SCRIPT,

SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT MY CHARACTER.

- WHAT DO YOU-- - WHAT KIND OF THOUGHTS?

[writers chattering] - THANK YOU VERY MUCH, HANK.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. - IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO.

- AND, WELL, MAYBE I WAS WITHHOLDING A LITTLE BIT

ABOUT THE WRITING. YOU DID A GOOD JOB.

- OH. - YOU DID A REALLY GOOD JOB.

- NOT LIKE HUGH? - NOT LIKE HUGH.

- THANK GOODNESS.

- WHAT? - DON'T FORGET

WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT. - OH, OH, YEAH.

LEVON WAS A BIG HELP TODAY.

IN FACT, I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT HIM,

AND WE WERE WONDERING IF MAYBE HE COULD

AUDITION FOR A SMALL PART AT SOME POINT.

- YEAH. - YOU KNOW, JUST READ FOR IT.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- DIDN'T YOU CALL IN SICK TODAY?

- YEAH. - WELL, HE NEEDED A "ME" DAY.

- UH-HUH, AND YOU FUCKED IN MY POOL.

- MM, YEAH, I'M-I'M-- I AM REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT.

IT WAS KIND OF A-- LIKE, A BUCKET LIST THING.

- UM, YEAH, YOU CAN READ FOR SOMETHING.

- AWESOME. - AT SOME POINT, MAYBE.

- SAY THANK YOU. - OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- LOOK HIM IN THE EYE. - YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT, SIR.

- ALL RIGHT. - DON'T MENTION IT.

WELCOME BACK.

- I'M CONFUSED IF THIS WAS THE SAME DAY AS THAT,

OR A DIFFERENT TIME. - THE SAME DAY.

- HEY, MARCY, HEY. YOU REMEMBER KRULL, RIGHT?

- 'ELLO, MISSUS.

- WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE?

- UM, WHY ARE YOU BEING SO RUDE TO A GUEST IN OUR HOME?

- UM, BECAUSE THE LAST TIME THIS GUEST WAS IN OUR HOME,

HE ASKED ME TO GIVE HIM SUCTION.

- AH, OKAY. WELL, AHEM...

IT WASN'T EXACTLY OUR HOME AT THAT TIME, IF YOU RECALL.

- YEAH, AND THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE,

ATTICUS WAS EATING A CHOCOLATE BAR

OUT YOUR FRONT BOTTOM.

- JESUS. - WELL, HE WAS, ACTUALLY, MARCY.

- UH, CHARLIE, I NEED TO SPEAK WITH YOU FOR A MOMENT.

WON'T YOU PLEASE EXCUSE US?

- BE RIGHT BACK, KRULL. JUST A SECOND.

WE'RE HAVING A BUSINESS MEETING IN THERE.

- I KNOW.

- WASN'T A SOCIAL HOUR. - LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I KNOW HOW WE CAN

GET OUT FROM UNDER OUR CURRENT FINANCIAL CRISIS?

- I DO TOO! KRULL HAS A MEMOIR.

HE HAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE STORIES, MARCY,

HE'S BEEN A ROCK AND ROLL BUTLER!

I CAN SELL THAT SHIT! I KNOW I CAN.

- FOR HOW MUCH?

- MMM... PROBABLY NOT SO MUCH,

BUT FOR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW? - [sighs]

- YOU KNOW, SOMETHING-- ENOUGH TO PUT US

BACK ON THE ROAD TO WELLVILLE.

- OKAY. WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I KNOW HOW

WE COULD MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS?

- YOU BEEN TALKING TO STU.

- HOW DID YOU KNOW?

- BECAUSE HE MADE ME THE SAME OFFER.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

- BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING, MARCY!

AND CRAZY, AND NOT AT ALL

HOW HUMAN BEINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BEHAVE!

- THAT'S BULLSHIT, CHARLIE!

IF A CLIENT GETS AN OFFER, YOU FUCKING BRING IT TO THEM!

- I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING PIMP, MARCY.

- OKAY, LOOK, I WAS PISSED WHEN HE FIRST

TOLD ME ABOUT IT, OKAY? - YEAH.

- BUT WHEN I WAS DRIVING HOME, I STARTED TO THINK ABOUT IT,

AND I THOUGHT, "WHAT IS THE BIG FUCKING DEAL?

I FUCKED THAT GUY, LIKE, 1,000 TIMES."

- [gags] YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO IT AGAIN!

IT'S--IT'S-- IT'S AGAINST HUMAN NATURE.

- WHY?

- WHAT IF YOU ENJOY IT?

- WELL...

I PROBABLY WILL, TO SOME EXTENT,

BUT I DON'T LOVE HIM, CHARLIE. I LOVE YOU.

OKAY? I DON'T THINK I EVER LOVED STU.

I LIKED BEING LOVED BY HIM, AND IT--IT FELT GOOD

AFTER ALL THE STUPID SHIT THAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH,

AND IF THE GUY WANTS TO STICK IT IN ME FOR A MILLION BUCKS,

AND THAT MILLION BUCKS KEEPS US AFLOAT FOR YEARS TO COME,

BABY, WHAT IS THE BIG FUCKING DEAL?

- I GUESS WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT--

- OKAY, ARE YOU--

- I AM!

- [gasps]

WHY? - I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS IT'S ALL THIS TALK OF ILLICIT SEX, OR SOMETHING.

- OKAY, COME ON, LET'S GO. - WHERE?

- TO FUCKY TOWN. COME ON!

- THIS IS TOO WEIRD, MARCY. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU

FUCKING ANOTHER GUY FOR MONEY.

- OURS IS NOT TO REASON WHY, CHARLIE,

OURS IS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT HARD THING

AND FUCK IT. COME HERE.

- OKAY, GOD.

[both moaning]

- OKAY. - [groans loudly]

- OH, YEAH.

NOT TOO FAST. OKAY. - [grunting]

- YES! BABY!

[both grunting]

OHH!

- NO. - OH.

- [grunting] - OHH.

- UHH. [sighs]

- THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. - YEAH.

BUT IT'S KINDA HOT, THOUGH.

- I'LL SAY.

[horror movie sound effects on TV]

- HEY, COME ON. - [giggles]

- NOT IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER.

- ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO BED. I'M FUCKING BAKED.

GOOD NIGHT, MOM. [kiss] - GOOD NIGHT, BABY.

- GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

- WHOA. [kiss]

WE'RE KISSING NOW? - YEAH.

- WHATEVS. - OKAY, LOVE YOU GUYS.

- LOVE YOU, BABY.

- [sighs]

- OH, LOOK AT HIM. HE'S SO HAPPY.

- WHY WOULDN'T HE BE HAPPY?

HIS MOM IS HAPPY, DR. DICK IS OUT OF THE PIC.

HE'S STONED.

ORDER HAS BEEN RESTORED TO HIS UNIVERSE.

- MM.

THANKS FOR NEVER TAKING NO FOR AN ANSWER.

- IT'S WHAT I DO.

I SHOULD GO. - MMM, DON'T GO.

- WHY NOT? - WELL...

YOU'VE INGESTED ENOUGH WHISKEY AND WEED TO STUN A HORSE.

- OH, YEAH. THAT IS TRUE, THERE'S THAT.

- YOU KNOW... - MM?

- YOU WERE RIGHT.

I'M ALWAYS RIGHT. WHAT WAS I RIGHT ABOUT?

- I'M SCARED, BUT I'M NOT SCARED ABOUT ACTING OR NOT ACTING.

I'M SCARED ABOUT HAVING FEELINGS FOR YOU AGAIN.

- [sighs]

- 'CAUSE HE'S SO HAPPY HAVING YOU IN HIS LIFE,

AND SEEING HIM HAPPY MAKES ME HAPPY.

IT JUST REMINDS ME OF A TIME

BEFORE EVERYTHING GOT SO FUCKING SERIOUS.

YOU'RE JUST AS FUNNY AND CUTE AS YOU EVER WERE.

- I KNOW. IT'S REALLY UNFAIR

TO BE THIS CHARMING, ISN'T IT?

I'M LIKE--I'M LIKE A BIOTERRORIST OF LOVE.

- [laughs]

- OR NOT.

- SHUT UP. - YEAH, I'M GONNA SHUT UP.

I'M GONNA SHUT UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS CALLS FOR? - WHAT?

- TICKLE FIGHT! - OH, NO! NOT THAT, NO!

- YEAH, OH, YEAH. - [squeals]

I'M TOO TICKLISH! STOP IT!

- YOUR TITS ARE TOO BIG, I CAN'T GET TO YOUR ARMPITS,

THEY'RE BLOCKED! - [laughs]

- PBBT! - [laughing] OH, MY GOD!

[screams] STOP IT!

[laughs]

THAT'S SO WEIRD!

[both laughing]

[slow Indie rock playing]

- MMM.

- * YOU'RE SHINING DOWN ON ME

- DIDN'T WE SAY THAT WAS A BAD IDEA

AND THAT WE SHOULDN'T DO THAT AGAIN?

- YEAH. - YEAH, WE DID.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA GO.

NO, I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA TAKE A CAB.

- I'M SORRY, BUT I'M NOT TAKING NO FOR AN ANSWER.

*

[moaning]

- * WHY DON'T WE GO AND TAKE A WALK DOWN THE STREET? *

*

* MEET SOME FRIENDS AND THEN FIND SOME "E" *

*

* QUIET NOD AND SOME SYMPATHY

*