Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON CALIFORNICATION...

KAREN, I CAME BACK... FOR YOU.

- OH.

- ATTICUS JUST FIRED ME. - BUMMER.

- BUT NOT BEFORE HE FIRED YOU TOO.

- I NEED TO PRESENT MYSELF TO KAREN

AS AN ADULT MALE WITH A JOB.

- YOU MUST BE HANK. - HENRY JAMES MOODY I.

- RICK RATH. CALL ME RATH.

THE LAST THING I NEED AROUND HERE IS SOME SNOTTY,

PRETENTIOUS FUCK WHO'S GONNA LOOK DOWN ON TELEVISION.

- I'M TRYING TO GROW THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE

BEFORE IT'S TOO FUCKING LATE,

AND IT ALL STARTS WITH ME GETTING A JOB.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN ACTUALLY HANDLE A JOB?

- HEY, DID YOU MANAGE TO GET IT UP LAST NIGHT?

- I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

- YOU'RE HANK MOODY. - WHO WOULD YOU BE?

- THIS WOULD BE LEVON.

HE'S THE KID I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU ABOUT.

HE WANTS TO INTERVIEW YOU FOR HIS COLLEGE NEWSPAPER.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY CHILDREN?

- YEAH, ONE, A DAUGHTER.

- YOU FUCKED MY MOM.

- REALLY? YOU'RE NOT FUCKING WITH ME?

WHEN DID THIS OCCUR?

- I GUESS ABOUT NINE MONTHS BEFORE I WAS BORN.

- [gasps] YAY! IT'S A MURSE!

MY VERY OWN MURSE! HOW DID YOU KNOW?

- STOP IT.

IT'S FOR ALL YOUR WRITERLY [French accent] ACCOUTREMENT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS VERY ROCK AND ROLL.

- TOTALLY.

AND YET, IT SENDS A VERY STRONG AND CLEAR MESSAGE

TO MY CO-WORKERS

THAT THIS DUDE COULD ROCK OUT WITH HIS COCK OUT.

BUT WHEN HE'S DONE,

HE CAN TUCK IT AWAY AND GET DOWN TO BIZ.

- MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. - MM-HMM.

- WEAR IT WELL ON YOUR FIRST DAY.

- I SHALL, MY LOVE. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.

- WHY? 'CAUSE I GOT A STINKIN' JOB?

IF I'D KNOWN IT WAS THIS EASY

TO MAKE YOUR BOSOM SWELLETH WITH PRIDE,

I WOULD HAVE APPLIED FOR A JOB AT STARBUCKS LONG AGO.

BARISTA. - NO, IT'S NOT JUST THE JOB.

YOU'RE FINALLY READY TO EMBRACE CHANGE, I THINK.

- WELL, THE TIMES, THEY ARE A-CHANGING,

WHETHER I LIKES IT OR NOT.

- AND CHANGE IS...

SEXY. - YOU DON'T SAY?

- I DO. - REALLY?

- I DO SAY.

- GOSH, GOLLY.

WHO KNEW GAINFUL EMPLOY COULD BE SUCH A PANTY PEELER?

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

BEFORE--OKAY, BEFORE THIS ACCELERATES INTO HEAVY PETTING,

MOIST HUMPING, AND MULTIPLE ORGASMS

FOR ME, OF COURSE,

THERE'S SOMETHING I GOT TO TELL YOU.

- WHAT?

WHAT? WHAT IS IT NOW?

- MM-- - I KNOW.

YOU'RE A HEROIN ADDICT.

YOU HAVE TERMINAL HEMORRHOIDS, RIGHT?

- OW! - [laughing]

I MEAN, NOTHING WOULD SURPRISE ME AT THIS POINT.

[door opens] COME ON.

WHAT IS IT?

- AH, NOTHING?

- NOPE.

NOT A TWITCH.

I EVEN TOSSED HIS SALAD FOR A SECOND OR THREE.

KID LIVES FOR FUCKING ASS PLAY.

- UGH! YOU THINK THIS IS MAYBE PSYCHOLOGICAL?

- I DON'T KNOW.

- ALL I KNOW IS THAT IT WAS LIKE SUCKING ON A LITTLE HOTDOG

WRAPPED IN FORESKIN.

- [shrill groan]

- AND THE MORE I SUCKED, THE SMALLER IT GOT.

IT FELT WRONG, LIKE I WAS BLOWING A BABY.

A BIG, BALD, UNEMPLOYABLE BABY.

LOOK AT THE FOUR OF US.

AIN'T LOVE FUCKING GRAND? HUH?

[upbeat music]

*

- HOW'D SHE TAKE IT?

- I WAS JUST ABOUT TO LAY IT ON HER

WHEN YOU SULKED INTO THE ROOM

WITH ALL YOUR BROKEN WEINER SADNESS.

- OH, RIGHT. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

- NO, IT'S OKAY. IT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.

'CAUSE WE SURELY WOULD HAVE MADE THE LOVE,

AND THAT SURELY WOULD HAVE BEEN SPECTACULAR,

AND THEN SHE SURELY WOULD HAVE BEEN SUPER FUCKING PISSED

WHEN SHE FOUND OUT I ALLEGEDLY FATHERED A SON

WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, ALLEGEDLY.

JESUS!

IT SOUNDS UNCOOL WHEN I SAY IT OUT LOUD LIKE THAT.

- WHY? YOU GOT A SON, MAN!

SOMEONE TO CARRY ON THE MOODINESS

FOR GENERATIONS TO COME.

DOESN'T THAT FEEL AMAZING? - NOT REALLY.

THE KID'S KIND OF ANNOYING. I MEAN, SUPER FUCKING ANNOYING

LIKE HE SHOULD BE YOUR SON AND NOT MINE.

[phone ringing]

SEE, THE LITTLE FUCKER KEEPS TRYING TO FACETIME ME.

LOOK AT THAT.

HE SHALL BE LEVON, AND I SHALL DECLINE THAT SHIT.

- SO WHO'S THE MOM?

- OH, THIS WOMAN, JULIA, I WAS SEEING AT THE TIME.

WANTED TO BE AN ACTRESS. SHE WAS GORGEOUS.

WE HAD A LOT OF FUN. IN AND OUT OF THE BOUDOIR.

I REMEMBER THAT.

AND THEN I MET AND QUICKLY IMPREGNATED KAREN,

AND THAT, AS THEY SAY, WAS THAT.

BY THE WAY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU SHOWED UP FOR WORK, YOU KNOW,

ON TIME, REASONABLY SOBER.

YOU'RE GONNA BE PULLING IN A WEEKLY SALARY NOW.

15% OF YOUR WEEKLY IS MY WEEKLY.

- 15%? I THOUGHT YOU GOT 10.

- MM-MM. MANAGERS TAKE 15.

- OH, SO YOU'RE MY MANAGER NOW? WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

- 5%.

- THAT IS FUCKING PATHETIC, CHARLIE.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT GETTING SOME OTHER CLIENTS.

- YEAH, WELL, THAT'S THE OTHER REASON I'M HERE.

- OKAY. LET ME LOOK AT YOU.

LET ME DRINK YOU IN, BIG BOY.

SO WHAT IF YOU GOT A DYSFUNCTIONAL DONG?

SO WHAT IF YOUR COCK IS BUT A VESTIGIAL ORGAN?

YOU'RE STILL A FUCKING SHARK!

- LET'S DO THIS! - NO!

- NO WHAT?

- NO, THIS IS MY FIRST DAY OF WORK, CHARLIE, NOT YOURS.

MINE. I CAN'T LET YOU FUCK MY SHIT UP.

I STILL LOVE YOU, THOUGH. LONG TIME.

- HERE YOU ARE. - THANK YOU.

HEY. HANK.

- TERRY. - RIGHT ON.

WHOA! - OH!

- THAT'S A POWERFUL GRIP YOU GOT THERE.

QUITE A HANDSHAKE. VERY FIRM.

VERY FIRM INDEED.

WHERE DO YOU WORK OUT?

FUCK.

- WELCOME.

- HEY. HANK.

- HUGH.

ARE YOU INTO CUPCAKES?

- I SUPPOSE.

- THERE'S SOME IN THE KITCHEN.

- RIGHT ON.

- SOMETIMES RATH GETS A LITTLE GRUMPY.

I LIKE TO CHEER HIM UP WITH CUPCAKES.

IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS.

- WELL, AREN'T YOU THE THOUGHTFUL LITTLE BEAVER.

SO WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH VICTOR/VICTORIA?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT DO I MEAN? TERRY.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT, HER/HIM GENDER-WISE?

- OH, THAT. OF COURSE.

OKAY, SO HERE'S THE DEAL. IT'S--

HEY, TERRY. YOU WANT A CUPCAKE?

THERE'S SOME IN THE KITCHEN.

- FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING CUPCAKES, HUGH!

GET A FUCKING LIFE.

- OKAY, COOL.

I'M GONNA GO WORK ON SOME STORY IDEAS.

I'LL SEE YOU IN THE ROOM, KIDS.

- "FUCK YOU," YOU SAID. THAT WAS FUNNY.

SO, TERRY, TELL ME A BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.

YOU MARRIED? YOU HAVE KIDS?

- I'M IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP,

AND THESE ARE MY KIDS.

- AH, HA, HA, LITTLE DROOLY, BUT I SEE THE RESEMBLANCE.

[phone ringing]

OH, I SHALL DECL--FUCK!

- FACETIME!

- YOU GOT TO STOP CALLING ME, KID.

- WHY?

- BECAUSE I'M WORKING. - BUT YOU'RE MY FATHER.

- YEAH, WELL, WE DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW THAT FOR SURE.

- CALLING ME A LIAR?

- NO, NOT TECHNICALLY.

- YOU'RE A REAL FUCKING ASSHOLE, YOU KNOW THAT?

- NOW YOU SOUND LIKE MY KID.

- WANT TO HANG OUT?

- NO, I CAN'T. I'M WORKING.

- COOL. WHERE YOU WORKING AT?

- A TELEVISION SHOW.

- COOL! WHICH ONE?

- SANTA MONICA COP.

- IS THAT LIKE BEVERLY HILLS COP?

- NO, IT'S SET IN SANTA MONICA.

- CAN I COME SEE YOU? - NO, I'M BUSY.

- CAN YOU GET ME A JOB THERE?

- NO. I BARELY HAVE A JOB HERE.

- HEY, GUYS.

RATH'S STUCK IN A MEETING AT THE NETWORK,

SO FEEL FREE TO DO WHATEVER UNTIL LUNCH.

- COOL! YOU WANT TO COME OVER?

[hard rock]

*

I'M SORRY.

HAVE YOU BEEN KNOCKING FOR A WHILE?

I WAS LISTENING TO SOME TUNES.

- NO, NO, I PRETTY MUCH JUST KNOCKED THE ONCE,

AND THEN YOU IMMEDIATELY OPENED THE DOOR,

WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE

YOU WERE JUST RIGHT THERE WAITING FOR ME.

- YOU TOTALLY GOT ME.

I WAS PRETTY FUCKING EXCITED.

- HEY, THIS IS FOR YOU.

OH, ALL RIGHT. - [laughing]

- GOOD MAN. ALL RIGHT.

THERE YOU GO.

NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE.

- YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT'S HOME.

- WOW! YOUR MOM.

I GOT TO SAY SHE'S STILL SMOKING HOT.

- YEAH, PEOPLE SAY THAT ALL THE TIME.

I GUESS I JUST DON'T SEE HER THAT WAY.

- RIGHT. BECAUSE SHE'S YOUR MOM.

I'M JUST COMMENTING AS SOMEONE, YOU KNOW, WHO KNEW HER WHEN...

- OKAY, THEN. - ABOUT HER BEAUTY.

- THAT'S YOUR THING. - WELL--

YOU SURE DO HAVE A LOT OF PICTURES OF YOUR MOM AROUND.

AND I'M GUESSING THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TOO MANY GIRLS OVER, HUH?

- [clears throat] NO. NO, I DON'T.

WHICH IS A SOURCE OF GREAT SADNESS FOR ME,

BUT THE PICTURES ARE MY MOM'S THING.

SHE LIKES HAVING THEM AROUND, I GUESS.

- YOU'RE A GROWN MAN-CHILD, DUDE.

YOU CAN DO WHATEVS YOU WANT.

- YEAH, I GUESS, BUT I STILL HAVE TO RESPECT HER WISHES,

YOU KNOW.

SHE'S MY MOM.

- SURE, I SUPPOSE,

IF YOU WANT TO BE ALL QUEER ABOUT IT.

YOU HAVE A ROOMMATE? [door opening]

- [mouthing words]

- LEVON, DID YOU TAKE MY TOOTHPASTE AGAIN?

WHAT THE FUCK?

- I COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT ANY BETTER MYSELF.

- MOM, DAD, DON'T BE MAD.

- UH, IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I WAS JUST COMMENTING TO THE BOY

THAT YOU STILL GOT IT, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE STILL SMOKING HOT.

- OH, MY GOD. - [laughing]

- YOU LIVE WITH YOUR MOM. - OBVIOUSLY.

- YOU DON'T THINK YOU COULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT?

- WOULD YOU HAVE STILL COME OVER?

- PROBABLY NOT. - SEE?

I DID THE RIGHT THING THEN.

- DOES SHE KNOW THAT YOU MADE CONTACT?

- SHE DOES NOW.

- SWEET JUMPING JESUS.

- LEVON, CAN YOU COME IN HERE A MINUTE, PLEASE?

- COMING, MOM!

SIT, STAY. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

EAT SOME OF THOSE COLD CUTS. I MADE THEM FOR YOU.

HEY, DON'T LEAVE, OKAY? AGAIN.

[low arguing]

- WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!

- [muted response]

- HANK. - HI, JULIA.

- IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU. - NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

- I'LL BE IN TOUCH.

- HOW DO YOU MEAN?

- THIS IS JUST A LOT TO PROCESS RIGHT NOW.

- YES. - I THINK I NEED SOME TIME.

- YEAH, I GET THAT. I GET THAT.

I GET THAT.

SO HE'S--I'M GUESSING THAT HE'S REALLY MINE?

- WHAT? - HE'S REALLY MY KID?

I MEAN, ALL I HAVE IS HIS WORD TO GO ON,

AND NO OFFENSE, BUT HE DOESN'T PRESENT

AS THE MOST TRUSTWORTHY SOURCE.

- I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE.

- OKAY, YEAH, FUCK.

SHIT.

- I'M STILL STANDING HERE. - PLEASE LEAVE.

- I COULD--I DON'T HAVE TO BE BACK AT WORK FOR A FEW MINUTES.

WE COULD SIT AND TALK. - OH, GOD.

- OR--OR--OR I COULD GO.

GOING, GOING, GONE. OKAY.

LEVON, ALWAYS A PLEASURE. - BYE, DAD.

- CATCH YOU ON THE FLIPPITY-FLOP.

- THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKING SAMMIE YOU GOT THERE, HANK.

I WENT WITH THE BURGER.

THAT'S THE MOVE FROM THIS PLACE.

I'M PRETTY HAPPY ABOUT MY LUNCH ORDER RIGHT NOW.

KILLED IT.

- THIS IS GLUTEN-FREE, RIGHT? - I'D STAKE MY LIFE ON IT.

- AND IT HASN'T BEEN IN THE VICINITY OF ANY SHELLFISH?

- I WATCHED THEM COOK IT JUST LIKE YOU ASKED.

- THANK YOU. I DON'T MEAN TO BE A NUDGE.

- YEAH, WE GOT IT, GOLDIE, OKAY?

HEY, LOOK AT ME.

I'M ALLERGIC TO FUCKING EVERYTHING, ALL RIGHT?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD BROWN BAG IT TOMORROW.

MAKE YOURSELF A LITTLE PB&J OR SOMETHING.

- I HAVE A SEVERE NUT ALLERGY.

- YEAH, OF COURSE YOU DO. - I COULD DIE.

- THAT WOULD BE A SHAME.

[picture snaps]

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

- TAKING A PICTURE OF MY BURGER.

- WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING A PICTURE OF YOUR BURGER?

- 'CAUSE I WANT TO PUT IT ON MY INSTAGRAM.

- OH, YOU'RE GONNA PUT IT ON YOUR INSTAGRAM.

OF COURSE. WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.

- YEAH. - IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BURGER.

- YEAH, #LUNCH. - I KNOW, RIGHT?

- YEAH. YEAH. ABSOLUTELY.

IT'S A GORGEOUS BURGER.

SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT I HAVE TO WATCH YOU CHEW

WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN EVERY FUCKING DAY.

NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO WATCH YOU PLAY DIANE ARBUS

WITH YOUR FOOD?

HOW ABOUT I BRING SOME STARVING AFRICAN KID IN HERE,

HAVE HIM WATCH YOU TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR GOURMET BURGER

WITH YOUR FUCKING IPHONE?

OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND A LITTLE LESS TIME

SEXUALIZING YOUR LUNCH,

AND A LITTLE MORE TIME COMING UP

WITH A WORKABLE FUCKING STORY IDEA.

- COME ON, RATH.

I PITCHED YOU FIVE BRAND-NEW IDEAS THIS MORNING.

- AND EVERY ONE OF THEM SUCKED, MAN!

DO BETTER!

STOP INSTAGRAMING, STOP TWEETING!

I DO READ THEM, YOU KNOW,

WHEN I'M IN THE MOOD FOR A RAGING HATE-BONER.

- [sighs]

- HANK, YOU'RE AWFULLY QUIET OVER THERE.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- SORRY, USUALLY, I'M A FUCKING FIRECRACKER,

BUT I'M JUST DEALING WITH SOME HEAVY SHIT RIGHT NOW.

- TELL US.

- I'D RATHER NOT.

- HANK, THIS IS WHAT WE DO IN HERE.

THIS IS CHURCH.

THIS IS WHERE WE CONFESS OUR DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS,

SHOOT 'EM THROUGH A PRISM,

PUT 'EM UP THERE ON THE SCREEN.

- OH, GOD.

- ALL RIGHT, IF YOU MUST KNOW,

I RECENTLY DISCOVERED THAT I HAVE FATHERED A SON

FROM A RELATIONSHIP ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO.

- OH, WOW! - HOLY SHIT.

THAT IS FUCKING HEAVY.

- PERFECT. - YIKES!

- THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. - I GOT A LAWYER.

THOSE 20 YEARS' CHILD SUPPORT, YOU DON'T WANT TO PAY THAT.

- OKAY, PEOPLE. - I'LL HOOK YOU UP.

- HOW DO WE USE THIS ON THE SHOW?

- GOD.

- OKAY, SO MAYBE DANKO HAS A BABY WITH A STRANGER,

BUT THE STRANGER HAPPENS TO BE, LIKE, A COUSIN FROM THE PAST.

- A RETARDED COUSIN.

- A RETARDED COUSIN FROM THE PAST.

- CAN'T SAY "RETARDED." AUTISTIC.

- AN AUTISTIC COUSIN FROM THE PAST.

- OOH, TITLE OF THE SHOW, "AW... both: "TISTIC."

- I GOT IT, I GOT IT.

HERE, THIS IS THE BAD VERSION NOW.

WHAT IF DANKO JONES--

- DIDN'T YOU ALSO RAPE A WOMAN ONCE?

- WOW. HARSH! - STAND DOWN, TERRY!

- WHAT? IT'S TRUE. IT WAS ALL OVER THE NEWS.

- YEAH. [chuckles]

- IF ANYBODY WAS RAPED, IT WAS ME,

AND IT WAS ALL JUST A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING ANYWAY.

IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ANYONE.

- WISH IT HAPPENED TO ME. SHE WAS REALLY HOT.

- SHE'S SO SKINNY.

- I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SHARE AN OFFICE

WITH A CONVICTED RAPIST.

- WHAT IF A WEAR A COCK CAGE?

- I LIKE THAT. I LIKE THAT.

[all talking]

- IT'S A MALE CHASTITY DEVICE.

- I NEED ONE OF THOSE.

- IT TRAPS YOUR PENIS IN A FLACCID STATE.

- EVEN DANKO COULD BE IN HIS OWN COCK CAGE.

IT'S LIKE HE FEELS TRAPPED

'CAUSE HE'S IN HIS OWN COCK CAGE.

- WHY? WHY WOULD HE BE IN A COCK CAGE?

- DESPITE ALL HIS RAGE, HE IS STILL JUST A COCK IN A CAGE.

- YOU THINK RAPE IS FUNNY? - NO!

I THINK IT'S AWFUL, UNLESS IT'S A WOMAN RAPING A MAN.

THAT'S INHERENTLY FUNNY.

- RATH, ARE YOU REALLY-- - WHAT?

- ARE YOU JUST GONNA SIT HERE AND LET THIS HAPPEN?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THREE WEEKS,

I'M ACTUALLY ENJOYING MYSELF.

PLEASE CONTINUE. - GOLDIE, ARE YOU OKAY?

- THAT WAS NOT GLUTEN-FREE.

[all gasping]

- OH! WHAT THE FU-- GOLDIE?

- AT LEAST WE KNOW IT WASN'T ALL IN YOUR HEAD.

- MY FUCKING MOM JUST GOT ME THIS SHIT, GOLDIE!

- JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

I'VE SEEN CRIME SCENES LESS DISGUSTING THAN THAT.

- I THINK LUNCH IS OVER.

- THEY TOLD ME IT WAS GLUTEN-FREE.

- CLEAN THIS SHIT UP! - SHIT!

- CLEAN THIS SHIT UP!

DISINFECT THE WHOLE FUCKING ROOM, OKAY?

I'M GONNA GO MEDITATE.

WE'LL RECONVENE IN A COUPLE OF HOURS

- DOES ANYBODY KNOW OF A BAR AROUND HERE

WHERE I COULD MEET SOMEBODY FOR A DRINK?

- GOD!

I WOULD LOVE A NICE WINE COOLER RIGHT NOW OR LIKE A MICROBREW.

AN ALLAGASH WHITE WOULD TOTALLY HIT THE FUCKING SPOT, RIGHT?

[inhales] BUT HERE'S THE THING.

RATH DOES NOT LIKE IT WHEN WE LEAVE THE OFFICE DURING THE DAY.

IT'S TOTALLY FROWNED UPON. BUT I'M TOTES FREE TONIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? LET'S DO IT!

[hard rock]

*

[both laugh]

- HMM. - HI.

THANK YOU.

HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME?

- THIS IS WHAT I REMEMBER.

WE WERE RUNNING AROUND THE CITY FOR A FEW MONTHS, HANGING OUT,

HAVING FUN, KEEPING IT SIMPLE,

AND THEN ONE DAY THE PHONE STOPPED RINGING.

AND I CALLED YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU WEREN'T DEAD,

AND YOU SAID YOU MET SOMEONE SPECIAL,

SOMEONE THAT YOU COULD PICTURE

SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH.

I REMEMBER NOT BEING ALL THAT OFFENDED

BECAUSE WE WERE NEVER REALLY THAT TOGETHER.

SO WHEN I REALIZED I WAS KNOCKED UP,

IT SEEMED PRETTY POINTLESS TO TELL YOU.

I'M SORRY.

- NO, I'M SORRY.

- DON'T BE.

I NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING FROM YOU.

YOU'RE FUN, KIND OF LIKE DRIVING AROUND IN A CAR WITH A DOG

WHO STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW.

- WHAT KIND OF DOG?

- NOT THE MARRYING KIND.

- OH, THAT'S--I DON'T KNOW THAT THAT'S A BREED.

- [laughing]

I DON'T SEE A RING ON YOUR FINGER.

DID YOU EVER GET HITCHED? - UH, NO, NOT TECHNICALLY.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?

- A FEW MONTHS.

WHEN LEVON CAME ALONG,

HE DERAILED THE WHOLE ACTING THING.

- YEAH.

- SO I MOVED BACK TO THE ISLAND,

AND I WENT TO SCHOOL, AND I BECAME A DENTAL HYGIENIST.

- REALLY? - I FUCKING LOVE TEETH.

THEY FASCINATE ME.

OPEN UP.

OOH. - HUH?

- HAVE YOU BEEN TO A DENTIST RECENTLY?

- CAN WE GET BACK TO YOUR STORY?

- SO LEVON DECIDED HE WANTS TO ACT,

AND IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD TIME FOR A CHANGE OF SCENERY.

SO HERE WE ARE.

- YEAH. SO WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

- NOWHERE.

I'D REALLY LOVE IT IF YOU BOWED OUT

AND NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN.

I MEAN, LEVON'S A WEIRD KID.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- HE'S GOT ALL THESE CRAZY EXPECTATIONS

OF YOU GUYS MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME.

I DON'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL HIM

THAT YOU'RE NOT THAT KIND OF GUY.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF GUY I AM NOW?

- LOOK, I'M GIVING YOU A GIFT HERE.

I'M TELLING YOU IT'S OKAY TO WALK AWAY.

I'M ASKING YOU NICELY TO JUST DO THE RIGHT THING

AND LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE.

DRINK'S ON ME. [sighs]

- ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS? - YES.

STU USED TO POP THEM ALL THE TIME.

- HMM. HMM?

STU HAS E.D. TOO?

- NO, NOT AT ALL. HE USED TO TAKE THEM FOR FUN.

WE USED TO FUCK FOR HOURS.

HIS COCK WAS LIKE A BATTERING RAM.

IT WAS LIKE IT WAS MADE OF LIQUID METAL.

IT WAS THE T-1000 OF BONERS.

- OKAY, MARCY,

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I CAN SAY THIS,

BUT YOUR FOND REMEMBRANCE OF YOUR EX-HUSBAND'S HORSE COCK

DOES NOT WORK WONDERS FOR MY FRAGILE PSYCHE.

- PUSSY! [phone ringing]

- SHIT! THIS IS HANK.

- NO! - I'M SORRY.

I GOT TO TAKE THIS. - NO!

- I GOT TO TAKE IT!

WHAT'S UP, BUDDY?

- HEY, BUDDY, I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR.

- ANYTHING AT ALL. YOU NAME IT.

- YEAH, YOU GOT TO GET ME OFF OF THIS THING.

- WHAT THING? - THE SHOW.

I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

- HANK, IT'S YOUR FIRST DAY!

- I KNOW, BUT THERE'S TOO MUCH SHIT GOING ON

IN MY PERSONAL LIFE,

AND I'M A DELICATE FUCKING FLOWER.

THE THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING BACK IN THERE

WITH THOSE FUCKING MONKEYS IS GIVING ME A FUCKING MIGRAINE.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

HANK, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

BACK IN WHERE? WHY AREN'T YOU THERE RIGHT NOW?

- IT'S A LONG STORY. - HANK, GO BACK IN THERE!

YOU TALK IT OUT WITH RATH.

HE'S A COOL GUY. HE'LL UNDERSTAND.

- I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, AND I AGREE,

BUT THAT'S WHAT I HAVE YOU FOR, CHARLIE,

TO HAVE THE CONVERSATIONS I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE.

THAT'S WHAT THE EXTRA 5% IS FOR.

BESIDES, IT'S LIKE AUDITING A CLASS, RIGHT?

I TRIED IT, IT WASN'T FOR ME. NO HARM, NO FOUL.

- NO, HANK! NO!

THERE IS HARM, AND THERE IS FOUL!

JESUS CHRIST!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING THIS TO ME

WHEN I'VE JUST TAKEN A FUCKING VIAGRA!

- OH. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

MY MIND'S MADE UP, THOUGH.

MAKE IT HAPPEN. SMOOTH THAT SHIT OVER.

- HANK! [grunts]

- [groans]

- HANK! HANK!

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S TRYING TO WATERBOARD ME! PIG!

GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME! - HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

- GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME!

- STOP! - CALM DOWN!

- HE'S A LITTLE RETARDED. - A LITTLE?

- FUCK YOU, YOU RENT-A-COP MOTHERFUCKER!

YOU DON'T-- - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU CAN'T JUST SHOW UP AT A MOVIE STUDIO

AND EXPECT TO SEE SOMEONE.

- BUT YOU WEREN'T ANSWERING YOUR PHONE,

AND I NEEDED TO SEE YOU. - WHY?

- I THINK MY MOTHER'S TRYING TO KEEP US APART.

- WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

- 'CAUSE I THINK SHE'S AFRAID SHE'S GONNA LOSE ME

IF I DEVELOP A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.

- WELL, MAYBE SHE'S JUST AFRAID THAT I'LL DISAPPOINT YOU.

- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. YOU'RE MY FATHER, RIGHT?

YOU'D NEVER LET ME DOWN.

- WHAT HAS SHE TOLD YOU ABOUT ME?

- NOT MUCH. JUST THAT SHE GOT KNOCKED UP

BY SOME GUY SHE DIDN'T KNOW VERY WELL,

A GUY WHO DIDN'T SEEM LIKE MUCH OF A FATHER FIGURE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU NEVER KNEW, SO I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU SHOULD.

I DON'T KNOW.

I NEVER TOLD HER I WAS TRYING TO FIND YOU.

I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT HER FEELINGS.

BUT I DID MY RESEARCH, AND WHEN WE MOVED OUT HERE,

I KNEW THAT WAS MY OPPORTUNITY TO COME FIND YOU.

- YOU KNOW, YOUR MOM HAS DONE A PRETTY GOOD JOB ALL BY HERSELF.

- YEAH, SHE'S PRETTY COOL, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

IT'S JUST BEING RAISED BY A SINGLE MOM

HAS MADE ME REALLY FUCKING WEIRD.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO RELATE TO OTHER GUYS.

- SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY BOYFRIENDS AROUND?

- SOME. I'M SURE I SCARED THEM AWAY.

- YEAH, YOU'RE A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.

YOU'RE LIKE A WALKING BONER KILLER.

- I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH GIRLS.

I PAID THIS CHICK ONE TIME TO TAKE OFF HER TOP.

SHE LET ME JERK OFF IN FRONT OF HER.

I FINISHED RIGHT ON HER FEET. - THAT'S TOO MUCH.

- I'M NOT AS COOL AS YOU MIGHT THINK.

- THAT'S TOO MUCH. THAT'S ENOUGH.

- LOOK, I NEED HELP, HANK. - YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK YOU'D GET ALONG FAMOUSLY WITH YOUR UNCLE CHARLIE.

- [sighs] LOOK...

I KNOW THIS IS PRETTY MUCH THE LAST THING YOU WANTED

OUT OF LIFE.

I KNOW THERE'S NOTHING CUTE OR CHARMING

ABOUT ME SHOWING UP ON YOUR DOORSTEP.

IT'S JUST READING ABOUT YOU,

YOU SEEMED LIKE A REALLY COOL GUY,

AND I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO GET TO KNOW YOU A LITTLE BIT.

I THOUGHT MAYBE SOME OF YOUR COOL

WOULD RUB OFF ON ME OR SOMETHING.

- YOU WANT TO SEE WHERE I WORK?

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'D LOVE TO.

THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS! DIE, PIGS, DIE!

LEAVE IT! LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT.

- OH, MY GOD! THEY HAVE A FOOSBALL TABLE HERE.

- HANK, WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

- WHAT? - WHAT?

YOUR DIPSHIT AGENT JUST CALLED ME,

SAID YOU WERE IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

- AH, YOU CAN'T LISTEN TO A WORD THAT GUY SAYS.

HE'S MENTALLY ILL.

I JUST KEEP HIM AROUND SO HE DOESN'T BLOW HIS BRAINS OUT.

I AM SORRY FOR GETTING BACK LATE THOUGH.

- THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WENT OUT FOR A PACK OF SMOKES

AND DECIDED TV WASN'T FOR YOU.

- WHAT?

THAT'D BE CRAZY, NOT TO MENTION UNPROFESSIONAL.

I'M HERE, I'M QUEER, GET USED TO IT.

I JUST WANTED TO SHOW THIS YOUNG MAN

WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING.

- OH, IS THIS YOUR KID? - APPARENTLY.

- IS HE-- - ON THE SPECTRUM?

PROBABLY, BUT AREN'T WE ALL?

- DOES HE WANT A JOB?

BECAUSE I JUST PROMOTED THE P.A. TO WRITER'S ASSISTANT.

HE WANTED A REWARD FOR CLEANING UP ALL THAT PUKE.

KIDS TODAY, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE SO FUCKING ENTITLED.

- HEY, HEY, I REMEMBER THIS SHOW.

- OH, YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT ONE?

- IT WAS AWFUL.

LIKE, REALLY BAD. LIKE, WHO-WRITES-THAT-SHIT BAD.

JUST TERRIBLE. - I WRITE THAT SHIT.

I CREATED THAT SHOW.

- OH, SORRY. - NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THE SHOW SUCKED. IT SUCKED HARD.

NEVER GOT THE CASTING RIGHT.

MUCH LIKE LIFE, IT'S ALL IN THE FUCKING CASTING.

- HANK? OH, MY GOD! - GET A LOAD OF THIS CUNT.

- HANK, THANK GOD YOU'RE ALIVE. - SHH.

- I GUESS IT WAS JUST A FENDER BENDER AFTER ALL.

- SHUT THE FUCK UP, CHARLIE. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

- WHAT?

OH! LEVON!

HEY, IT'S UNCLE CHARLIE, REMEMBER?

IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU... - WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS THING?

- AGAIN.

WILL YOU GET A LOAD OF THAT?

HANK...

I THINK IT'S WORKING. THE LITTLE BLUE PILL WORKED.

I THINK I'M GETTING HARD.

- BEHAVE YOURSELF, YOU ANIMAL.

OH, OH, THAT.

OH, GOOD! GOOD FOR YOU.

GOOD FOR YOU AND YOUR THIN, VEINY DONG.

- MY HEART'S BEATING REALLY FAST, HANK.

IT'S KIND OF FREAKING ME OUT. HERE, FEEL.

- NO, I'M NOT GONNA FEEL ANYTHING.

IT'S JUST AN ERECTION. - FEEL IT. FEEL.

- YOU'VE HAD A MILLION OF THEM, AND YOU BOTCHED THEM ALL.

- I'M FEELING VERY DIZZY, HANK. CALL 911.

IT'S A MASSIVE CORONARY EVENT. - NO, IT'S NOT.

- CALL 911. - IT'S NOT.

- CALL 911! IT'S A MASSIVE CORONARY EVENT!

CALL 911! PLEASE!

THIS IS IT, HANK. THIS IS IT.

- NO, IT'S NOT. - WHAT'S WITH THE BONER?

- WHOA!

- SERIOUSLY, HANK, YOU NEED A NEW FUCKING AGENT.

- HE'S MY MANAGER NOW. - ARE YOU OKAY?

IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD DO TO HELP?

- GOD, YOU SMELL GOOD. HA, HA.

- OH! - HOLY SHIT!

DID HE JUST CUM IN HIS PANTS?

- AHH.

- [scoffs]

[knocking on door]

- QUIT STALKING ME, LADY.

- LEVON TOLD ME WHERE YOU LIVED.

- OF COURSE HE DID.

- WOW!

HE ALSO TOLD ME WHAT YOU DID FOR HIM.

- OH, YEAH, THAT'S JUST A LOWLY P.A. JOB.

HE'S GONNA BE CLEANING UP A LOT OF PUKE.

- THANKS FOR IGNORING EVERYTHING I SAID.

- THAT'S WHAT I DO.

I'M--NO, I'M SORRY.

- NO, I MEAN IT. THANK YOU.

THANKS.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE HIM SO EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING.

I'M SORRY ABOUT EARLIER.

MY DEFENSES WERE UP. MOTHER BEAR ISSUES, I GUESS.

- NO, IT'S TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE.

THIS IS UNCHARTED TERRITORY FOR BOTH OF US.

MORE FOR ME, 'CAUSE I JUST FOUND OUT THAT I HAVE A CHILD.

YOU'VE KNOWN FOR 20 YEARS. - I'M NOT USED TO

HAVING THE GUY INVOLVED, BUT-- SO DO YOU PLAY GUITAR?

- UH, NOT REALLY.

IT'S MORE LIKE I CALLOUS MYSELF IN THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.

- PLAY SOMETHING.

- I'M TOO SHY, ACTUALLY.

- I DON'T REMEMBER YOU BEING SHY.

[knocking on door]

- EXCUSE ME. - MM. MM-HMM.

- HEY, HOW WAS THE FIRST DAY?

WHAT?

OH, BABY, WAS IT THAT BAD?

[laughing] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TELL ME.

- BABY, THERE'S SOMEONE YOU GOT TO MEET.

- UH-HUH.

OH, NO.