Original subtitles

- I HAVE DECIDED TO GO ABROAD,

FOR AN INDETERMINATE AMOUNT OF TIME.

I WANT TO MAKE A LITERARY PILGRIMAGE.

- WATCHING HER GO, I DON'T KNOW,

IT KIND OF FEELS LIKE THE END OF SOMETHING.

IT MAKES YOU WONDER IF SHE WAS

THE ONLY THING THAT WAS STILL KEEPING US TOGETHER.

- WE'RE GETTIN' MARRIED.

- AHH! - THE RUNKLES!

- I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU WIFE AND EARLY MAN.

- WHAT THE FUCK?

DUDE, I TOLD YOU I NEVER WANNA SEE HIS ASS

ON ONE OF MY SETS EVER AGAIN.

- LISTEN, THIS IS A PRODUCER-DRIVEN MEDIUM,

YOU INEFFECTUAL LITTLE SHIT BIRD.

- SHUT THE FUCK UP, BOTH OF YOU.

- I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT

WHAT I WANT FOR ALL THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.

AND I REALIZED THAT I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.

I WANNA SEE YOU SMILE AND KNOW YOU MEAN IT.

- HANK HAS TO GO.

HE'S GOTTA SEE A HORSE ABOUT A GIRL.

- SO THIS IS ABOUT FOLLOWING YOUR BLISS?

IS THIS ABOUT LOVE?

- IT IS.

- THEN YOU MUST GO.

- GO AND GET HER, PAL.

[Pete Townshend's Let My Love Open the Door]

[knock at door]

- * LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR *

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR *

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR *

* TO YOUR HEART

*

- KAREN, HELLO.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU RAN OFF WITH THE ROCK AND ROLL CIRCUS.

- I DID.

BUT I CAME BACK FOR YOU.

- * LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR *

* LET ME LOVE OPEN THE DOOR *

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR *

* TO YOUR HEART

*

* WHEN EVERYTHING FEELS ALL OVER *

* WHEN EVERYBODY SEEMS UNKIND *

* I'LL GIVE YOU A FOUR-LEAF CLOVER *

* TAKE ALL THE WORRY OUT OF YOUR MIND *

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR *

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR *

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR *

* TO YOUR HEART

* TO YOUR HEART

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR *

* WHEN TRAGEDY BEFALLS YOU

* DON'T LET IT DRAG YOU DOWN *

* LOVE CAN CURE YOUR PROBLEM *

* YOU'RE SO LUCKY I'M AROUND *

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR *

- KAREN.

HELLO.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I-I THOUGHT YOU RAN OFF WITH A ROCK AND ROLL CIRCUS.

- I DID, BUT I CAME BACK FOR YOU.

- OH.

- WELL, I-I KNOW IT'S OVERWHELMING,

DISORIENTING EVEN.

BUT I COULDN'T BE OUT THERE KNOWING THAT

YOU WERE BACK HERE ALONE, BY YOURSELF.

GETTING OLDER, BY THE WAY.

[shushes]

KAREN, I LOVE YOU.

I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU,

AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

BUT WE NEED TO RESOLVE THIS SHIT,

ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

WOULDN'T YOU AGREE? - SURE, SURE, BUT--

- NO, NO BUTS.

WE GOTTA ROLL UP OUR SLEEVES

AND DO THE WORK RIGHT NOW.

I-I SAY WE STAY HERE UNTIL WE FIGURE IT OUT,

OR UNTIL WE BOTH GET SO FUCKIN' HORNY WE CAN'T STAND IT.

EITHER WAY, IT'S A WIN-WIN FOR BOTH OF US.

- UH, HELLO.

- DUDE, PLEASE, NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

WE ARE NOT SHARING OUR TABLE WITH YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU, EUROPEAN OR SOMETHING?

- I'M SORRY, SHOULD-- - OH, NO.

I'M REALLY SORRY. THIS--THIS IS--

- THIS IS-- WHAT IS THIS?

EXPLAIN YOURSELF, WOMAN.

- HANK, THIS IS CHRIS.

HE'S IN MY YOGA CLASS. - OH, JESUS.

- AND THIS IS HANK. HE'S--

- HE IS? HE IS?

- FROM MY LIFE.

- YOGA CLASS?

THAT FUCKIN' OLD CHESTNUT?

KAREN, PLEASE, COME ON.

- UM, I-I'M SORRY. - YOU SHOULD BE.

HEY, WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE?

BIKRAM?

[bad Indian accent] WHO HAS TIME TO MAKE TIME DURING BIKRAM?

IT'S SO FUCKIN' HOT AND FARTY IN THERE.

YOU EVER LET ONE LOOSE IN THERE, COWBOY?

I'M SURE YOU HAVE.

IT'S HARD NOT TO LET A LITTLE PRAIRIE DOG

RUN IN THROUGH THERE, HUH?

- UH, WHY DON'T WE DO THIS ANOTHER TIME?

- NOW THERE'S AN IDEA.

- I'M SORRY. - DON'T BE.

- YEAH, DON'T BE.

- UM, IT'S TOTALLY COOL.

I KNOW WHERE TO FIND YOU.

- STALKER.

- REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU, HANK.

- PLEASURE WAS ALL MINE, YOGA MAN,

ALL FUCKIN' MINE, ALL DAY LONG.

BYE-BYE NOW.

NAMASTE AWAY, BUDDY BOY.

- THANKS. - LOOK.

THIS IS WHAT MAKES US FANTASTIC.

WE'RE LAUGHING ABOUT THAT CREEPER.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HE'S TOTALLY HOT. - WHAT?

WEST SIDE YOGA GUY?

THAT IS THE OLDEST SCHTICK IN THE BOOK, KAREN.

YOU'RE NOT FALLING FOR THAT.

HIS CUM PROBABLY TASTES LIKE HUMMUS.

CUMMUS. - HANK--

- [chuckles]

- OH, MY GOD.

- THIS IS NOT GOING AS I HAD HOPED.

[upbeat music]

*

[rock music]

- HANKY PANKY. - AHH.

- I THOUGHT I WOULD FIND YOU HERE.

ONE PEAR COSMO-TINI, PLEASE, MY GOOD MAN.

- HE'S NOT KIDDING.

AND HE'S NOT GAY ANYMORE, ENTIRELY.

- NO.

- I CAME BACK FOR HER, CHARLIE.

- YEP, ATTICUS TOLD ME ALL ABOUT IT.

- I RIPPED MY HEART OUT AND I THREW IT AT HER FEET.

AND WHAT DID SHE GIVE ME IN RETURN?

A SHIT SANDWICH TO CHEW ON.

BUT ENOUGH OF MY HARROWING DESPAIR.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR HONEYMOON.

DID YOU CRAZY KIDS FUCK EACH OTHER'S FACES OFF?

- NEVER MIND ALL THAT. I GOT NEWS.

- DON'T TELL ME-- ANOTHER GNARLY SKIN TAG

HAS SPROUTED UP ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT

HIDEOUS LITTLE POUCH YOU LIKE TO CALL A SCROTUM?

- THAT, AND ATTICUS JUST FIRED ME.

- [chuckles] BUMMER.

- BUT NOT BEFORE HE FIRED YOU TOO.

- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

THAT CUNTY LITTLE FUCKIN' GINGER LOVES ME.

- MM-HMM.

- HE WAS INCREDIBLY MOVED BY MY QUEST.

- YES, HE WAS. YES, HE WAS.

AND THEN HE GOT INCREDIBLY BORED.

AND YOUR ABSENCE MADE HIM GROW

A HELL OF A LOT FONDER OF AARON SORKIN,

WHO SUDDENLY BECAME INCREDIBLY AVAILABLE.

- AARON SORKIN.

- BRINGING YOUR BROADWAY CAREER

TO A SUDDEN SCREECHING HALT.

- [grunts]

OKAY, WELL, WHAT NOW?

I'M WAITIN'. GO ON. SAY IT.

COME ON, JUST SAY IT ALREADY. - SAY WHAT?

- SAY IT. - OH, THAT.

- YEAH. - NO, I WON'T SAY THAT.

- COME ON. MAKE ME HAPPY.

- IT WOULD BE IRRESPONSIBLE OF ME, HANK.

- [grunts]

- I DO NOT HAVE AN OFFER FOR YOU.

OH, THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE, ACTUALLY.

YEAH, SOME KID KEEPS EMAILING ME

ABOUT WANTING TO INTERVIEW YOU

FOR HIS COLLEGE NEWSPAPER OR SOME SHIT.

- OH, I NEED A FUCKIN' JOB, CHARLIE.

- YEAH, SO DO I, HANK. - I NEED TO PRESENT MYSELF

TO KAREN AS AN ADULT MALE WITH A JOB,

A HUNTER AND A GATHERER, A PROVIDER.

- AW, YOU'RE SWEET.

AND TOTALLY FUCKIN' NAIVE.

THERE ARE NO JOBS, HANK, NOT ANYMORE.

WHY, YOU DON'T ASK?

BECAUSE YOU HAVE PISSED ON AND PISSED OFF

ANYONE AND EVERYONE WHO'S EVER GIVEN YOU ONE.

YOU HAVE TAKEN A SHIT ON ALL OF IT, HANK--

BOOKS, MOVIES, THEATER--

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT TELEVISION? - WHAT ABOUT IT?

- I COULD SHIT ON THAT.

- YOU DON'T EVEN WATCH TELEVISION.

- DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T WRITE IT.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, HANK?

- IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT, BABY BOY.

TONIGHT WE DRINK.

TOMORROW YOU START MAKING SOME PHONE CALLS.

AN OPPORTUNITY WILL PRESENT ITSELF.

IF NOT, WE CAN ALWAYS STUFF OUR POCKETS

FULL WITH ROCKS AND WALK HAND-IN-HAND

INTO THE PACIFIC.

- THAT SOUNDS ROMANTIC.

- SPEAKING OF ROMANCE,

I WANNA HEAR ABOUT YOUR HONEYMOON.

DID YOU GIVE YOUR AGING BRIDE A KIDNEY INFECTION?

NO, REALLY?

OKAY. TALK TO ME, BUDDY BOY.

TELL ME ALL YOUR WOES.

DR. HANXTABLE IS MOST DEFINITELY IN.

- WHERE'S MY BRIDE?

- MARCY RUNKLE!

- * MY BEAUTIFUL BRIDE

- COKEY SMURF.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

- [growls]

- THIS IS JUST WHAT WE NEED, CHARLIE,

A BAD CASE OF WHISKEY DICK.

- OH, NO WHISKEY. - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MARCE.

- I DIDN'T DRINK ANY WHISKEY. - DUDE'S BEEN SLAMMING

PEAR COSMO-TINIS ALL NIGHT LONG.

- THAT'S WHAT I HAD. - HE PROBABLY GREW

A BIG LIPPY PUSS DOWN THERE.

- I'M GONNA FUCK YOU SO HARD, MARCY.

- MM-HMM. - I'M GONNA FUCK YOU.

- YEAH, LET'S NOT WRITE ANY CHECKS

YOUR LIMP BISCUIT CAN'T CASH, OKAY?

- HEY, HEY. - OH.

- BE GENTLE WITH THE BOY.

HE'S DELICATE RIGHT NOW. - WHAT ABOUT ME?

I IMPULSE REMARRIED A DEPRAVED LUNATIC

WHO CAN'T EVEN GET IT UP FOR ME.

- AAH.

I KNOW. IT'S NOT GOOD.

I'M SORRY, MARCY, YOU DESERVE BETTER.

- YEAH, I DO. I DO. - HEY, YOU GUYS.

BRING IT IN. TAKE A KNEE.

- OKAY.

- YOU GUYS GOTTA GET THIS SHIT IN PERSPECTIVE, OKAY?

- [groans]

- I CAME BACK FOR THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

AND SHE REJECTED ME,

WHICH BUMS ME OUT ON MANY LEVELS.

NOT THE LEAST OF WHICH IS THAT YOU FUCKTARDS

GOT YOUR SHIT TOGETHER BEFORE WE DID.

NO YOU, YOU'RE LETTING YOUR PASTY WHITE CONE HEAD

GET IN THE WAY OF THE PRIME DIRECTIVE.

YOURS IS NOT TO REASON WHY.

YOURS IS TO SEEK AND DESTROY HER SHIMMERING SNATCH.

DON'T BE FUCKIN' WITH HER ELF-ESTEEM.

- AW, THANKS, HANKY.

- AND SHE'S GOT THE MAGIC VAGINA.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

- I DO WANT IT.

I'M GONNA FUCK YOUR FACE OFF, MARCY.

- ALL RIGHT. - FUCK YOUR FACE.

- YOU'RE GONNA FUCKIN' BE SEEING FUCKIN' STARS.

- ONE STEP AT A TIME. - I'M GONNA FUCK YOU.

- LET'S SEE IF WE CAN GET SOME BLOOD FLOWIN'

TO THAT THIN, BENT WANG OF YOURS...

- [growls] - THIS WEEK.

- WAIT--HANK, STAY.

YOU'RE NOT COMING.

[pounding on door] - [groans]

WHAAAT...

CAN I DO FOR YOU?

- SETTLE DOWN, DUDE. ARE YOU CHARLIE RUNKLE?

- WHO'S ASKIN'?

- MY NAME'S LEVON. I'VE BEEN EMAILING YOU ABOUT HANK MOODY.

I WANT TO INTERVIEW HIM.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- I SENT YOU, LIKE, 20 EMAILS.

- WH--WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHO--WHO TOLD YOU WHERE I LIVE?

- THE INTERNET TOLD ME. YOU GOT A PRETTY RETARDED NAME.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CHARLIE RUNKLES

THERE AREN'T IN LOS ANGELES?

- YOU GOT THE WRONG RUNKLE, KID. - YOU'RE LYING.

[phone beeps] THAT'S YOU.

YOU'RE THE MASTURBATING AGENT.

- LOOK, WHATEVER. IF HANK'S INTO IT, I'LL BE IN TOUCH.

- NO, COME ON, MAN, CAN I MEET HIM?

- NO! NO, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

- WHAT'S THE RACKET?

HOW THE FUCK A BROTHER SUPPOSED TO GET

SOME BEAUTY SLEEP AROUND HERE? - THAT'S HIM.

Y-YOU'RE HIM. - WHO?

- YOU'RE HANK MOODY.

- HANK MOODY I MUST BE. WHO YOU BE?

- THIS WOULD BE LEVON.

HE'S THE KID I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU ABOUT.

HE WANTS TO INTERVIEW YOU FOR HIS COLLEGE NEWSPAPER.

- WHAT THE FUCK, RUNKS? I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO SET THAT UP.

- YOU LYING, FUCKING MASTURBATING ASSHOLE.

YOU DID GET MY EMAILS.

- I LIKE THIS KID. LEVON, HUH? THAT'S PRETTY GROOVY.

YOUR PARENTS BIG ELTON JOHN FANS?

- MY MOTHER. - MUST HAVE GOOD TASTE.

- THAT'S DEBATABLE. [phone rings]

- HEY, LOOK, ARE YOU OKAY WITH WHATEVER THIS IS?

- YEAH, IT'S FINE.

COME ON IN.

LEVON, YOU GOT 15 MINUTES.

I WANT YOU OUT OF HERE BEFORE I WAKE UP.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?

- OKAY, UH, RIGHT.

SO, UH, WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

- OH, YOU WANT TO GO WAY BACK.

I WAS BORN AND BRED IN THE BRONX,

BUT MY PARENTS MOVED TO RAISE ME

LIKE VEAL ON THE ISLAND OF LONG,

WHICH ULTIMATELY INSPIRED ME TO ESCAPE

BACK TO THE BIG, BAD WILDS OF THE CITY

AS SOON AS I WAS VAGUELY ABLE.

- HOW MANY GIRLFRIENDS HAVE YOU HAD?

- UH, A FEW?

- UH, HOW MANY SIGNIFICANT RELATIONSHIPS?

- WHAT, YOU WRITING MY OBITUARY?

- DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A MISOGYNIST?

- NOT REALLY. I MEAN, I'M A BIG FAN OF "WOMANINITY".

I LIKE IT ALL-- BIG, FAT, TALL, SHORT, SMALL,

WHITE, BLACK, YELLOW, PURPLE-- BIG FAN OF LADY-NESS.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO TALK ABOUT MY WRITING.

- I'VE READ YOUR BOOKS. - AND?

- DO YOU HAVE ANY CHILDREN?

- YEAH, ONE, A DAUGHTER.

- DOES SHE THINK THAT YOU ARE A GOOD FATHER?

- I'M SURE SHE HAS ISSUES WITH THE OLD MAN.

DO YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE A GOOD INTERVIEWER?

- HOW MANY HEARTS HAVE YOU BROKEN IN YOUR LIFE?

- HEY, KID, DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME?

DID I FUCK YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR SOMETHING?

- HANK! HANK, YOU WERE RIGHT!

A NEW DAY HAS DAWNED,

AND THE OPPORTUNITY HAS PRESENTED ITSELF.

COME ON, CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES. WE GOT OURSELVES A MEETING.

- WHERE? WHERE? - I'LL TELL YOU ON THE WAY.

COME ON, LET'S GO. YOU, KID, OUTTA HERE.

- WAIT-- - JUST--

- CAN I-- CAN I COME WITH YOU GUYS?

IT MIGHT BE GOOD FOR THE ARTICLE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'LL "RE-SHEDULE."

- REALLY GREAT START TODAY!

BYE.

- [laughs]

[stage bell rings]

- JUST DON'T COME OFF AS ONE OF THOSE

SNOTTY, PRETENTIOUS FUCKS WHO LOOKS DOWN ON TELEVISION.

- ME? NEVER. - HOW IS IT?

- TO BE HONEST, IT'S LIKE A COLONOSCOPY OF THE MIND.

- HANK.

- BUT IF HE ASKS, I WILL TELL HIM IT'S "TOTES FUCKIN' BRILL."

I WILL BE MY ABSOLUTE BEST SELF IN THERE.

- GOOD BOY. IT'S WEIRD SEEING YOU LIKE THIS.

ALL DRIVEN AND SHIT. - [laughs]

- FUNNY HOW THESE THINGS COME FULL CIRCLE, HUH?

- WHEN PEOPLE ARE TRULY CONNECTED

THEY CAN NEVER TRULY ESCAPE EACH OTHER.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, HOW'S MARCY?

- GOOD. GREAT.

YEAH. JUST BACK FROM THE HONEYMOON, ACTUALLY.

- AH.

GOSH, RUNKLE, YOU REALLY KNOW

HOW TO KICK A GUY WHEN HE'S DOWN.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT WOMAN IS LIKE ON A HONEYMOON.

OUR MAGNIFICENT SEX ORGANS WERE FUSED TEN DAYS STRAIGHT.

I COULDN'T STAND NOT BEING INSIDE OF HER.

I WALKED AROUND THE HOTEL ROOM AND--[snaps]--BOOM.

RIGHT THERE ON MY JOCK.

- STEADY, RUNKS.

KID, NICE TO SEE YOU. HOW YOU DOING?

- OH, I'M GREAT, MOODY.

LAST WE MET, I WAS DIRECTING SANTA MONICA COP THE MOVIE,

NOW I'M PERIPHERALLY INVOLVED

WITH SANTA MONICA COP THE TV SHOW.

SO THINGS ARE GOING REALLY WELL FOR ME. THANKS FOR ASKING.

- SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? WHERE'D YOU GO WRONG?

- I RECALL THINGS GOING TO SHIT

SOMEWHERE AROUND THE TIME YOU SHOWED UP.

- OH, PSHAW. THE VERY IDEA.

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,

LET US NOT REHASH ANCIENT HISTORY, RIGHT?

OKAY, SAM WENT OFF THE RAILS,

THEY SHUT THE PICTURE DOWN,

MY BELOVED WIFE DIVORCED ME.

BUT DID I WALLOW?

WELL, YEAH. SURE.

BUT THEN I PICKED MYSELF THE FUCK UP,

I DUSTED MYSELF OFF,

AND I SOLD THAT MESSY, LATE-TERM ABORTION AS A TV PILOT.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT A PRODUCER DOES.

HE TAKES A SUDDEN BURST OF RAIN

AND TURNS IT INTO A GOLDEN SHOWER.

[door opens]

- QUIET.

WRITERS START TALKING SHIT ABOUT YOU

THE SECOND YOU LEAVE THE ROOM.

I WANT TO KNOW WHOSE OPTION NOT TO PICK UP WHEN THE TIME COMES.

ROSENBERG.

YOU FUCKIN' DICK.

YOU'LL GET YOURS. HEH! VERY NICE.

TRY PAYING FOR PRIVATE SCHOOL NEXT YEAR WITH NO JOB.

YOU MUST BE HANK.

- HENRY JAMES MOODY THE FIRST.

- RICK RATH. CALL ME RATH.

WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU HERE? - I'M HIS AGENT.

- HE LIKES TO MAKE SURE I DON'T USE MY FECES AS A CRAYON.

- TAKE A WALK. YOU GUYS TOO. GET OUT.

LEAVE US ALONE. TALENT ONLY.

- REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU.

GUY'S A MONSTER. - LEAVE US ALONE.

- JUST A FUCKING MONSTER. - TALENT ONLY.

I'M NOT GONNA HIRE YOU, HANK.

- REALLY?

- YEAH.

- YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR WHAT I THINK ABOUT THE SCRIPT?

I MEAN, I HAD A WHOLE SPEECH PREPARED AND EVERYTHING,

FOLLOWED BY A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION

AND A BRIEF BUT VERY MOVING PUPPET SHOW.

- STU HAD ASKED ME TO SIT DOWN WITH YOU,

I-I ADMIT I WAS INTRIGUED,

BUT THEN I DID MY DUE DILIGENCE.

AND EVERY SINGLE PERSON I REACHED OUT TO

SAID YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE, FUCKING NIGHTMARE.

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT, CASE CLOSED.

I MEAN, SORRY, BUT THE LAST THING I NEED AROUND HERE

IS SOME SNOTTY, PRETENTIOUS FUCK

WHO'S GONNA LOOK DOWN ON TELEVISION.

- YEAH, BUT IF I'M NOT WRONG,

YOU DO NEED A WRITER WHO CAN ACTUALLY WRITE, RIGHT?

- WELL, YEAH, TALENT'S ALWAYS A PLUS,

BUT LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR SHENANIGANS, HANK.

I'M--I'M TOO OLD TO BE BABYSITTING

TODDLERS WITH TOXIC PERSONALITIES.

- OKAY, JUST HANG ON AND HEAR ME OUT, OKAY?

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,

YOU GOT A ROOM FULL OF HACKS AND WANNABES IN THERE.

THE HACKS GIVE YOU A SAFE, FEAR-DRIVEN MEDIOCRITY

BECAUSE THEY JUST WANT TO KEEP THEIR POOLS HEATED,

AND THE WANNABES WANNA BE

BECAUSE THE LIFESTYLE LOOKS SO SWELL,

BUT THEY HAVE NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT AND IT SHOWS.

- THAT'S AN INCREDIBLY CYNICAL GENERALIZATION, HANK.

- I AM THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS.

I HAVE THE--THE SEXY, ENERGETIC BRAIN OF A NEWBIE

AND THE BODY OF A DRUNKEN, OLD HACK.

- AND YOU SHIT THE BED ALL OVER THIS TOWN.

SO WHY WOULD THIS GIG BE ANY DIFFERENT?

- FAIR ENOUGH. THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

AND I HAVE SQUANDERED A LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES, IT'S TRUE.

- YEAH.

- I COULD GIVE YOU A BUNCH OF EXCUSES.

I COULD BLAME IT ON MY MASTURBATING AGENT

OR I COULD CHALK IT UP

TO FEAR AND SELF-LOATHING IN LOS ANGELES,

BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT...

I'M TRYING TO GROW THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE.

YOU KNOW, I'M ON A QUEST TO RECLAIM THE BEST PARTS OF MYSELF

BEFORE IT'S TOO FUCKIN' LATE.

AND IT ALL STARTS WITH ME GETTING A JOB.

- WELL...

THAT'S VERY INSPIRING,

BUT ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN ACTUALLY HANDLE THE JOB?

- YEAH. - YEAH?

- MM-HMM. - CAN YOU SHOW UP ON TIME?

- YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.

- PLAY NICE WITH OTHERS?

- MAY--MAYBE. YEAH.

- CAN YOU TAKE A NOTE WITHOUT GETTING DEFENSIVE?

- POSSIBLY.

- CAN YOU WORK WITH ACTORS WITHOUT FUCKING THEM

OR PUNCHING THEM? - OH, SO YOU HAVE READ MY WORK.

- YEAH, I'VE READ YOUR WORK. I LIKE YOUR WORK.

IT ACTUALLY REMINDS ME OF SOME OF THE SHIT I USED TO WRITE.

ONCE UPON A TIME, BACK IN NEW YORK.

BEFORE ALL OF THIS SHIT SWALLOWED ME WHOLE.

HEY, MAN...

I'M A SUCKER FOR A GOOD REDEMPTION STORY,

BUT I AM SUSPICIOUS OF YOUR MOTIVES.

WHAT IS THIS REALLY ABOUT?

- I GUESS YOU COULD SAY IT'S ABOUT A GIRL.

[knock on door]

- [clears throat]

THE WRITER'S ASSISTANT JUST I.M.ed ME.

ROSENBERG'S DOING HIS IMPRESSION OF YOU AGAIN.

THINK HE'S TRYING TO STAGE A COUP.

- MOTHERFUCKER.

- HEY, I'D GIVE THE FUCKER A TITTIE TWISTER,

BUT THAT'S JUST ME. THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME.

- NO, HEY. SIT. YOU STAY.

I'M NOT GUARANTEEING ANYTHING,

BUT I MIGHT HAVE AN OPEN SEAT IN ABOUT 45 SECONDS.

I GOT EYES AND EARS ALL OVER THIS FUCKING BUILDING, SCUMBAGS.

- [sighs] OKAY.

TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, I'M JUST--

I'M FEELING A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS.

- OKAY.

CAN WE JUST NOT BE SUCH A FUCKING GIRL, CHARLIE?

THIS IS JUST ME. IT'S JUST ME.

YOUR SEXY, LITTLE FUCK NINJA.

WHAT? - NOTHING.

IT'S JUST--THAT SEEMS LIKE SOMETHING STU WOULD CALL YOU.

I'M SORRY.

- WELL, YEAH, IT PROBABLY IS.

AMONG OTHER THINGS. AND I'M SORRY, BABY.

I JUST GET CONFUSED. THINGS HAPPENED SO FAST BETWEEN US.

- I KNOW, I KNOW. LOOK, MAYBE--

MAYBE WE JUST MADE A MISTAKE.

- HEY, YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP.

NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER.

I AM NOT READY TO CALL THIS SHIT YET.

OKAY? GIMME KISSY.

GIMME MORE. - MM.

- MM? - MM.

- MM?

- OH, HEY, NO, NOT YET. NOT SO FAST, OKAY?

JUST--IT'S, UM-- YOU KNOW, IT'S A LITTLE...

HANDSY.

- [sighs]

OKAY.

OKAY, BABY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET MOMMY WORK HER MOMMY MAGIC?

OKAY?

- OK--OKAY. [chuckles]

YES, PLEASE, MOMMY.

- BUT DON'T--DON'T ACTUALLY CALL ME MOMMY,

BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING CREEPY, RIGHT?

- RIGHT. YEAH, MY BAD.

- OKAY. - OKAY.

[exhales]

- [moaning]

- OH...

- MM.

MM...

- IT'S NOT WORKING, MARCY.

IT'S JUST--IT--AUGH!

[pounding] - OH, MY GOD!

STOP IT! - I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING!

ANYTHING! - NO! BE NICE TO MY PENIS!

STOP!

- IT'S JUST-- IT'S SO UPSETTING, MARCY.

- I KNOW, BABY. I GET IT.

OKAY? BUT JUST BREATHE. YOU GOTTA RELAX.

JUST BREATHE.

- OKAY. LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME GO DOWN ON YOU.

- WHAT? NO, NO, NO, NO--

- YES, MARCY! YES, PLEASE!

I INSIST, OKAY?

I'M GONNA GO DOWN ON YOU

BECAUSE I NEED TO FEEL LIKE A MAN TONIGHT!

- OKAY, SO MUNCHING MY BOX HAS BECOME ALL ABOUT YOU?

YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING NARCISSIST, CHARLIE.

- I NEED TO GO DOWN ON YOU, MARCY!

- FINE. GO AHEAD.

- [groans] OKAY.

EH-EH--

- [sobbing]

- OH, MY GOD, CHARLIE. IF YOU'RE GONNA EAT ME OUT YOU CAN'T CRY.

- OKAY. I'M SORRY.

- 'KAY.

[sighs]

YEAH, PAPI, GET IT. - IS THAT GOOD?

- MM. MM. - [sobbing]

[rock music]

*

- PARDON, EXCUSEZ-MOI.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I AM EUROPEAN OR ANYTHING,

YOU KNOW, BUT MAYBE I COULD SHARE YOUR TABLE?

- OH, I'M SORRY, MADEMOISELLE,

BUT I'M MEETING SOMEBODY FROM MY PILATES CLASS.

- OH, ZUT ALORS.

- A FLEXIBLE GUY.

HE CAN ACTUALLY SUCK HIMSELF OFF

AND CLIP HIS TOENAILS AT THE SAME TIME.

WE'RE TAKING IT SLOW.

JUST GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

- HANK, I'M NOT INVOLVED WITH ANYONE.

- WELL, THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW. ME NEITHER.

I'M JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE PILATES GUY.

- GOOD TO KNOW.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- OH, I'M MEETING THIS KID.

HE'S GONNA INTERVIEW ME FOR A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER.

- OH, DEAR. HAS IT COME TO THAT?

- I KNOW, RIGHT?

YOU REMEMBER THAT NICE LADY FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES

WHO WROTE THAT NICE PROFILE ON ME ALL THOSE YEARS AGO?

- I DO. THE ONE WITH THE AMPLE BOSOM.

- YES, SHE DID HAVE AN AMPLE BOSOM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DIDN'T DO?

I DIDN'T SAMPLE THAT AMPLE BOSOM

BECAUSE I LOVED YOU SO MUCH THEN.

AND I STILL LOVE YOU.

- BECAUSE YOU'RE AN INCREDIBLE HUMAN BEING, HANK MOODY.

- FINALLY YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH.

- I'M SORRY ABOUT THE OTHER DAY.

- I'M SORRY TOO.

ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M APOLOGIZING

'CAUSE I-I CAME BACK FOR YOU AND ALL.

- IT WAS A LOT TO PROCESS, YOU KNOW?

AND--AND THE TIMING WAS ALL OFF, AND--

- WELL, THAT'S US IN A NUTSHELL.

COUPLE OF GOOD-TIMERS WITH EXCEPTIONALLY BAD TIMING.

- NO-- - [laughs]

- UH, HELLO?

EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU THE WIFE?

- NO--NO, I'M NOT.

- THIS IS THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD.

- OH, OKAY. - YEAH.

- DI--DID HE LEAVE YOU?

- NO. - WHA--

- SHE LEFT ME.

- ACTUALLY, IT'S COMPLICATED.

- YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE IT.

WELL, I BELIEVE WE ACTUALLY HAD AN APPOINTMENT.

- OH, YEAH, SURE. I'M GONNA SHOO.

- LET'S TALK LATER ABOUT THINGS BIG AND SMALL.

I WANT TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT MY NEW JOB.

- I'M INTRIGUED.

STOP IT.

UM, IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.

MY NAME'S KAREN, BY THE WAY.

- OKAY. BYE.

- OKAY. GOOD LUCK.

- [clears throat] IS IT COOL IF I RECORD THIS?

- YEAH, WHATEVER YOU GOTTA DO. - OKAY, GREAT.

[recorder beeping]

HI.

- HI YOURSELF.

- OKAY, UH, SO I'M HERE WITH HANK MOODY,

WRITER OF BOOKS AND SOME MOVIES, I GUESS.

ANYTHING ELSE?

- NO, I THINK THAT ABOUT COVERS IT.

THANKS FOR THE INTRO, CHARLIE ROSE.

[phone clatters]

- SHE'S PRETTY HOT. THAT LADY.

- I CONCUR. - LIKE IN A MILF-Y WAY.

- OH, THAT'S THE BEST-Y WAY.

- YEAH, I GUESS.

I GUESS YOU HIT THAT, HUH?

- TOTALLY. I TOTALLY HIT THAT.

- COOL. DID-- DID YOU USED TO LOVE HER?

- I DO. VERY MUCH SO.

- ARE YOU GUYS, LIKE, TOGETHER STILL?

- NOT, LIKE, AT THE MOMENT, LIKE, NO.

- I GUESS IT'S SMART TO KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN.

WOULDN'T WANT ANYTHING TYING YOU DOWN.

- YEAH, BUT "FREEDOM'S" JUST ANOTHER WORD

FOR MISSING SOMEONE.

I THINK TAYLOR SWIFT SAID THAT.

YEAH. YOU WANT TO BE A WRITER, HUH?

- NO. NO, NOT REALLY. SEEMS LIKE HARD WORK.

- IT'S THE WORST. IT SUCKS BALLS.

IT'S HAVING HOMEWORK FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

- WELL, I KIND OF WANT TO BE AN ACTOR.

- RIGHT ON. NOBLE. PRACTICAL.

- YEAH.

MY GRANDMOTHER SAYS I REMIND HER OF A YOUNG, UM--

- DUSTIN HOFFMAN.

- NO, MARLON BRANDO.

- AH.

- YEAH, IT SEEMS LIKE FUN, YOU KNOW?

YOU SHOW UP SOMEWHERE,

EVERYONE'S ALWAYS REALLY NICE TO YOU.

GET TO HANG OUT WITH ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL ACTRESSES

AND KISS THEM AND SHIT.

AND YOU HAVE A NUDE SCENE-- TOUCH THEIR BOOBS.

- MM.

- THEN YOU GET TO MOVE ON,

DO THE SAME THING ALL OVER AGAIN SOMEWHERE ELSE.

[sighs] SEEMS LIKE A REALLY GREAT LIFE.

THE LIFE I'M TRYING TO LEAD FOR MYSELF.

- SURE.

- BET YOU FUCK A LOT OF ACTRESSES, HUH?

- I'M SORRY, WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT AGAIN?

- YOU. THE-- THE TYPE OF GUY YOU ARE.

THINGS OF THAT NATURE.

- WELL, HOW DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT TYPE OF GUY I AM?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I'M TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT.

ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE, YOU SEEM KIND OF INTO YOURSELF.

- AND YOU SEEM TO HAVE SOME KIND OF WEIRD BEEF WITH ME, KID.

YOU SURE I DIDN'T FUCK YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR SOMETHING?

- NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. - YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

- PRETTY MUCH, YEAH.

NEVER REALLY HAD WHAT YOU'D CALL A GIRLFRIEND.

- WELL, I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

- YEAH.

BUT YOU DID FUCK MY MOM.

- WHAT?

- YOU FUCKED MY MOM.

- REALLY? YOU'RE NOT FUCKING WITH ME?

- MM-MM.

- OH, DEAR. OH, ME, OH, MY.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.

IT'S VERY UNPLEASANT.

BUT WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH IT. JUST KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON.

ALL RIGHT?

NOW, WHEN DID THIS UNFORTUNATE MOMENT OF CARNAL WHIMSY OCCUR?

- MM...

I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS ABOUT NINE MONTHS BEFORE I WAS BORN.

[Pete Townshend's Let My Love Open the Door]

*

- * WHEN PEOPLE KEEP REPEATING *

* THAT YOU'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE *

* WHEN EVERYBODY KEEPS RETREATING *

* BUT YOU CAN'T SEEM TO GET ENOUGH *

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR

* TO YOUR HEART

- * LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR, OOH *

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR

- * WHEN EVERYTHING FEELS ALL OVER *

* EVERYBODY SEEMS UNKIND

* I'LL GIVE YOU A FOUR-LEAF CLOVER *

* TAKE ALL THE WORRY OUT OF YOUR MIND *

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR

* LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR

* TO YOUR HEART

- * MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR, OOH *

- * TO YOUR HEART

- * LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR, OOH *