Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON CALIFORNICATION...

- MAN, WHAT ARE THE ODDS I END UP NEXT TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

WOMAN IN THE TRI-STATE AREA?

- HE WANTS HANK TO COME TO HIM.

- WHO THE FUCK IS HE?

- SAMURAI APOCALYPSE.

- I WANNA DO MY OWN THING. MY OWN MOMENT.

SANTA MONICA COP-- THAT'S MY EDDIE MURPHY MOMENT RIGHT NOW.

- I DON'T KNOW. IT'S NOT REALLY MY THING.

- GET YOUR SEXY ASS OVER HERE, MAMA.

[Samurai muttering]

- I'M CHARLIE RUNKLE. WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.

- NO, I'M JUST THE NANNY, BUT COME ON IN.

- ARE--ARE YOU OKAY?

- I JUST GOT FIRED.

- ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A NEW GIG?

- HANK MOODY, BETTER NOT BE HITTIN' ON MY GIRL.

YOU SHOULD BE AT STARBUCKS WRITING ME SOME FUNNY SHIT.

- I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT.

HOW'S BECCA?

- BOYFRIEND.

I WANT TO KILL HIM, HANK.

- TYLER.

- THIS--THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

THIS IS MY SISTER.

- WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

- SOME GUY MY DAUGHTER'S SEEING.

I THINK HE'S GONNA BREAK HER HEART.

- MAYBE YOU SHOULD BREAK HIS LEGS FIRST.

- TYLER WAS LEAVING SOME CLUB IN HOLLYWOOD

AND HE GOT JUMPED BY A BUNCH OF GANGBANGERS.

[phone beeps]

* I WAS SITTING IN THE

* HOLLYWOOD HAWAIIAN HOTEL

* I WAS STARING IN MY EMPTY COFFEE CUP *

- FADE THE FUCK OUT.

THE END, MOTHERFUCKER.

CHARLIE!

- WAY AHEAD OF YOU, BUDDY.

[glasses chink]

- PRINT, BITCHES.

- WAIT! DON'T YOU WANT TO SPELLCHECK?

- NAH, SOMETHING TELLS ME THE SAMURAI ISN'T MUCH OF

A TYPO NAZI, AND I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

I GOTTA GET MY BROWN EYE ON THE RED-EYE.

I GOTTA A PLANE TO CATCH.

- PLEASE STAY. - MM-MM.

I CAME, I SAW, I TURNED SOME WORDS INTO CASH.

THE COFFERS ARE FULL.

BESIDES, I DON'T WANT TO GET MYSELF KILLED

BY A TRIGGER-HAPPY RAPPER.

- IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME WITHOUT YOU, BUDDY.

- JUST GO DOWN TO THE BAR AND GRAB YOURSELF ONE OF YOUR

MESSY BESSIES, AND YOU'LL FEEL BETTER IN THE MORNING.

- THAT'S THE THING, HANK. IT DON'T WORK ANYMORE.

I'M LONELY.

I LONG FOR COMPANIONSHIP.

- IS THIS IT?

IS THIS THE MOMENT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR?

ARE YOU FINALLY COMING OUT TO ME, CHARLIE?

- FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP. FEE-HEE-MALE.

- GRAB YOURSELF A LADY FRIEND. - IT'S NOT THAT EASY.

I'M OLD AND BALD AND LACKING IN SOCIAL SKILLS.

- [laughs]

- YEAH, BUT YOU DO MAKE A DECENT LIVING.

AND YOU HAVE THIS GROOVY PAD.

- AND THAT'S REALLY GOOD FOR THE HEDONIST.

IT IMPRESSES THE SHIT OUT OF THE STRIPPERS AND THE BARMAIDS.

BUT WHAT IF I WANT SOMETHING MORE?

- SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER NOT TO TOUCH YOUR DREAMS.

TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS.

- THAT IS PROFOUND--LY DEPRESSING.

- SPEAKING OF WHICH, I GOTTA GO SAY GOOD-BYE TO BECCA.

THEN I GOTTA DROP THIS PUPPY OFF AT MTV CRIBS.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? - I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I'LL PROBABLY MASTURBATE TO SOMETHING DIRTY

ON THE INTERNET WHILE I WAIT FOR STUART TO SHOW UP

AND SPEND THE NIGHT. - SOLID PLAN.

WHAT'S ON THE MENU THESE DAYS?

- I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.

I'M EXTREMELY PARTIAL THESE DAYS TO LIVE SEX-CAMS.

YEAH, FOR JUST A COUPLE OF BUCKS A MINUTE,

THEY'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT.

I GOT THIS GIRL TO DRINK HER OWN PEE THE OTHER DAY.

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? - WHAT?

- THIS IS WHY YOU CAN'T FIND A GIRL.

YOU'RE TOO BUSY MAKING THEM DO DISGUSTING THINGS

ON THE INTERNET.

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

- I AM. - GOOD.

NOW HUG ME. I GOTTA GO.

CHARLIE? - YES.

- IS THAT A DILDO IN YOUR POCKET

OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME GO?

- I THINK I MUST HAVE BEEN RELIVING THAT PEE THING.

NOW IT'S JUST A SHAME BONER.

[upbeat music]

*

- [groans]

OH, OW!

FUCK, FUCK! - HEY...

WHAT'D THAT POOR HOUSE EVER DO TO YOU?

- NOTHING!

IT'S WHAT THAT PANSY-ASS LITTLE PUSSY FART

IS DOING IN MY HOUSE.

I GOTTA WALK THIS SHIT OFF BEFORE I END UP BACK IN PRISON.

FUCKER!

FUCKER!

- HEY.

- HEY.

- WHAT'S WITH THE HUBBY OUT THERE?

[chuckles] - OH...

TYLER GOT INTO HIS 40-YEAR-OLD BOTTLE OF CHIVAS.

- WHAT THE HUH?

I THOUGHT BATESY WAS ON THE WAGON.

- YEAH, HE IS.

BUT YOU KNOW, HE KEEPS IT AROUND AS A SYMBOL OF HIS SOBRIETY.

- OH, RIGHT ON.

SO HOW'S PATIENT ZERO?

- DEMANDING. - YEAH?

- MM. - MM-HMM?

I'M WAITING. MY PROPS?

I TOLD YOU THE KID WAS AN ASSHOLE.

- WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU THINK EVERYONE'S AN ASSHOLE.

- YES. YES, I DO.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY LESS RIGHT

ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR ASSHOLE.

- I GOTTA GO TO THE DRUGSTORE. TYLER NEEDS MORE VICODIN.

- HI, BECCA. REMEMBER ME?

- OH, HEY, DAD.

- HEY, I'M LEAVING...

ON A JET PLANE...

DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK AGAIN.

MAYBE A HUG?

- SAFE TRAVELS, DAD.

- ALL RIGHT, I LOVE YOU.

- SEE YOU SOON.

YEAH...

HEY, A QUICK ONE WHILE THEY'RE AWAY?

COME ON. FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE.

- YOU'RE HITTING ON A MARRIED WOMAN.

- I KNOW. - YEAH.

- WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

- YOU REALLY WANT ME TO SIC MY HUSBAND ON YOU

IN THE STATE HE'S IN?

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

THAT KIND OF THING COULD LEAD A MAN TO DRINK.

- YES.

- AND THEN HIS GLORIOUS MANGINA

MIGHT MAKE AN APPEARANCE.

WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE THAT HAPPEN, WOULD WE?

ACTUALLY, I WOULD.

I'M DYING TO SEE THAT THING AGAIN.

- COME ON, LET'S DO IT. - STOP IT.

- COME ON.

- KAREN, IS DINNER READY YET?

- YEAH. I'M GONNA TAKE THIS...

- NO, ALLOW ME.

- WELL, PUT IT ON THE--

- HEY, FUCK THAT.

[TV playing]

- THANK, GOD. I WAS ABOUT TO EAT MY FOOT.

OH...

HEY, HANK.

- WOW, YOU'VE REALLY MOVED IN, HAVEN'T YOU?

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING TO GET

YOUR SECURITY DEPOSIT BACK, ARE YOU?

- HEY, LISTEN, THEY INSISTED, OKAY?

- MMM! IT'S GOOD. - HA-HA.

AWW!

MY FOLKS ARE OUT OF TOWN, ALL RIGHT?

- THAT'S WHAT YOUR FOLKS TOLD YOU.

THEY ACTUALLY HATE YOUR GUTS

AND RUE THE DAY THAT YOUR FATHER EVER FAILED TO PULL OUT IN TIME.

- HA-HA.

WHY DON'T YOU GO EASY ON ME, MAN?

I GOT MY ASS BEAT ABOUT A WEEK AGO.

- I KNOW. I KNOW THAT.

AND I WAS ALMOST SAD WHEN I HEARD THE NEWS.

AND THEN I WAS VAGUELY DISAPPOINTED WHEN I HEARD

YOU WEREN'T GONNA DIE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

BUT KNOWING YOU WERE IN GREAT PAIN DID MAKE ME SMILE.

IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS, YOU KNOW?

- MM.

- BUT IF YOU BREAK MY DAUGHTER'S HEART...

BEING STOMPED ON BY A BUNCH OF GANGBANGERS

IS GONNA SEEM LIKE A PLAYDATE COMPARED TO THE CAN OF RAPE-ASS

I WILL OPEN UP ON YOUR...

ASS.

- MM...

WELL, I HAVE NO INTENTION OF BREAKING HER HEART.

- GOOD. - SHE'S A COOL CHICK.

- AND IF YOU RESPECT HER COOLNESS,

YOU WILL TELL HER THAT YOU ARE A LYING, CHEATING,

SKULLDUGGEROUS LITTLE MANWHORE.

YOU HEAR ME?

- I HEAR YOU.

ARE WE COOL?

- NO, NEVER. - [laughs]

- CAN I BUM A SMOKE? - SURE.

- GOT A LIGHT?

- AH! SEE, IT'S THIS DAMN FINGER OF MINE.

- OH, YEAH. I BET IT'S... - OH!

- IT'S HARD TO... - GOD!

- OH, YEAH.

THIS IS HOW IT WAS DONE...

BACK IN THE DAY.

WHEN THE BUSHES WERE BIG...

AND THE BOOBIES WAS REAL.

[knock at door]

- SHIT! SHIT!

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!

SHIT.

[women moaning in background]

- HELLO!

- NOT TOO MUCH BOOB TUBE, OKAY?

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. RELAX, RELAX.

WE ONLY WATCH WHAT'S EDUCATIONAL.

- UH-HUH.

- LITTLE BABY EINSTEIN, PERHAPS. WHO KNOWS.

MAYBE HE'LL EVEN SAY SOMETHING.

[click] [women moaning]

- WHOA! - JESUS CHRIST, CHARLIE!

OH, MY GOD.

I CAN'T TRUST YOU ALONE WITH THIS KID FOR ONE SECOND.

- YEAH, WELL, FEEL FREE TO TAKE HIM WITH YOU

OUT ON DATE NIGHT, THEN.

- OH, LET'S NOT BE RASH, MARCY.

YOU KNOW, MY ASSISTANT HAD TO WORK SOME SERIOUS MAGIC

FOR THESE REZZIES. - BELIEVE ME.

I NEED A BREAK FROM ALL THINGS MOMMY.

- RIGHT, RIGHT.

SO THAT WHOLE HIRING SOMEONE TO WATCH YOUR KID

WHILE YOU GO OUT ALL DAY SHOPPING

AND HAVING YOUR TOES DONE THING NOT WORKING FOR YA?

- DIE YOUNG AND SUFFER, DICKLESS.

- REALLY KICKING IT BACK OLD-SCHOOL WITH THE PORN THERE,

HEY, RUNKLE? - WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW,

I'M TRYING TO WEEN MYSELF OFF THE HARDCORE STUFF.

YEAH, I'M TRYING TO REDISCOVER

THE SIMPLE PLEASURES OF A MASTURBATING TEENAGER.

WHEN GIRLS WERE MAGICAL CREATURES WHO DIDN'T GO ATM.

- UGH. - WHAT?

- ASS TO MOUTH.

- THAT'S DISGUSTING.

- YET INTRIGUING.

- DON'T GET ANY IDEAS, OKAY?

YOU'RE WAY TOO BIG FOR MOMMY'S CORNHOLE.

- YEAH, THAT'S WHAT DADDY LIKES TO HEAR.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- [laughs]

[Stuart grunts]

- HEY, HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER, BUDDY?

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER, HUH?

WHERE'S MR. BLANKY? both: WHAT?

- WHERE IS MR. BLANKY?

both: YOU--

- DID YOU-- - YOU BROUGHT--

- YOU PUT IT IN THE BACKPACK. - OKAY.

- YOU KNOW, THE TRAFFIC IS REALLY TERRIBLE

RIGHT NOW ON PCH.

I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD JET. - YEAH.

SORRY, CHARLIE. [Stuart whining]

- OKAY, BUDDY, YOU'RE OKAY. - YOU WANTED WEEKDAY OVERNIGHTS.

- YOU'RE A BIG BOY, RIGHT? - MOMMY LOVES YOU!

- OH, NO. OHHHHH!

OH, YOU'RE A BIG BOY. YOU'RE A BIG BOY, OKAY.

OKAY, OKAY.

[hip-hop music]

*

- * LET'S GET IT POPPIN'

* COPPIN' [...] I'M BLAZED AND ROCKIN' *

* LOUD AND CRAZED GOT THE CROWD AMAZED *

* I'M SHOCKIN' KNOCK 'EM FOR A LOOP *

* DROP MY LOOT ON SOME BOOZE AND GET RETARDED MAN *

- SHIT.

I'M EXCITED TO READ THIS SHIT, YO.

- I'M EXCITED THAT YOU'RE EXCITED, YO.

- [laughs] YOU'RE A FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER, MOODY.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

- RIGHT BACK AT YOU, SAM. MAY I CALL YOU SAM?

- CALL ME CALVIN. MY MOMS CALL ME CALVIN.

- I'D BE HONORED.

- YOU SHOULD. - I AM.

- ALL RIGHT, NIGGA.

I'M GONNA READ THIS SHIT. - YOU DO THAT.

- NO, I MEAN RIGHT NOW, YO. WAIT RIGHT HERE.

- NO, I CAN'T.

NO, NO, NO, I GOTTA RUN. I GOTTA GO.

- WHAT IF I GOTTA MAKE CHANGES OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT?

- YOU CAN EMAIL 'EM TO ME.

THAT WAY I CAN IGNORE IT MORE EASILY.

COME ON. - YOU READY?

- DAMN.

DAMN, MAMA, I GOTTA READ THIS SCRIPT.

- BUT YOU SAID WE WERE GOING OUT TONIGHT.

- I KNOW, I KNOW.

I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU, ALL RIGHT?

I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

- WHATEVER.

- OH, MAN.

YO, IS IT ME, MAN?

OR IS SHE JUST HOT BEYOND LOGIC AND REASON?

- SHE BE FINE AS WINE.

- HEY, I TOLD YOU ABOUT-- - SORRY, I'M SORRY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE HER OUT, YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN READ THE SCRIPT LATER.

- LATER, FUCK NO, MAN.

THAT'S MY MOTHERFUCKIN' CAREER, MAN.

I TAKE THIS SHIT SERIOUS, MAN.

I'M GONNA SIT IN MY FAVORITE CHAIR AND READ EVERY PAGE.

EVEN THE PARTS I'M NOT IN.

PUT A PEN TO THIS BITCH, CORRECT ALL THE TYPOS.

I HATE TYPOS. THAT SHIT IS LAZY.

- YEAH. I HATE TYPOS TOO.

- SHIT...

I DO LIKE WHEN A GIRL COME HOME FROM A CLUB, THOUGH.

AFTER DANCING AND DRINKING,

THEY BE HOT AS A FUCK, READY TO GO.

WHAT TIME'S YOUR FLIGHT? - UH, 11:40.

- WELL, THAT'S PLENTY TIME TO TAKE KALI OUT FOR ME, MAN.

- NO, IT'S NOT PLENTY OF TIME. - GET HER HOT FOR A NIGGA.

- NOT PLENTY AT ALL. - COME ON, MAN.

DO ME A SOLID. TAKE ONE OF MY WHIPS.

- THAT'S TEMPTING, WOULD THAT I COULD, BUT I CAN'T.

MY HANDS ARE TIED. - WHAT YOU GONNA DO,

GO TO A FUCKING AIRPORT,

OR SPEND TIME WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN?

- I'VE SPENT MANY A TIME WITH MANY A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

- SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? - I CAN'T DO IT.

I CAN'T, I CAN'T. - THAT'S FUCKED UP, MAN.

- I GOTTA RUN. - LOOK, LOOK...

I DID YOU A SOLID WITH FUCKING LITTLE ROMEO, RIGHT?

- AH, NO.

- PUT HIS FUCKIN' ASS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR YOU.

- I DID NOT ASK YOU FOR THAT.

- YEAH, BUT YOU NEEDED THAT. I FELT WHAT YOU NEEDED.

THAT'S WHAT BROTHERS DO FOR EACH OTHER.

THEY FEEL EACH OTHER. FEEL ME.

- ALL RIGHT, A QUICK BITE, BUT THAT'S IT.

- HEY, THAT'S ALL I'M FUCKING ASKING FOR.

NIGGA, WHAT? SHIT...

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY. - BUT YO.

KEEP YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' PAWS OFF HER, MOODY.

AND YOUR FUCKIN' PENIS.

- ALL RIGHT. - I'M SERIOUS, MAN.

- I HEARD THAT. - I'M SERIOUS, MAN.

- NO, I HEARD THAT. - YOU BE PLAYING TOO MUCH, YO.

YOU GOT IT? - COMMUNICATION DELIVERED.

- ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

I GOT THIS FUCKIN' CADDY WITH THE HYDRAULICS.

THIS SHIT'S GONNA BE LIKE, "BONG-BONG!"

- BONG-BONG.

[Stuart crying]

- [crying]

[knocking]

- I'M SO SORRY. YOU MUST BE GOING NUTS.

[sobbing]

- CHARLIE, I CAN'T BREATHE.

I CAN'T BREATHE.

[crying continues]

[crying stops]

[meditative music]

*

- HMM.

I'M SORRY, CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?

- NO, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO.

- NO!

NO, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T GO.

- [sighs]

- PLEASE...

- OKAY.

[dance music]

* BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

*

* I WANT YOU I WANT YOU

* I NEED YOU I NEED YOU

* GOTTA HAVE YOU * GOTTA HAVE YOU

* HAVE YOU * HAVE YOU

* I WANT YOU * I WANT YOU

* I NEED YOU * I NEED YOU

- YEAH, THIS NOT EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

- I'M SURE, BUT WHATEVER YOU HAD IN MIND IS SOMETHING I PROBABLY

COULDN'T STAND FOR LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES, SO...

THIS WILL HAVE TO DO.

- YOU LIKE TORTURING ME, DON'T YOU?

- I DO. VERY MUCH SO.

- HEY, DON'T DO THAT. - DO WHAT?

- DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT AND TALK LIKE THAT.

IT MAKES MY WEINER FEEL WEIRD.

- WELL, WE WOULDN'T WANT THAT, NOW, WOULD WE?

- [groans]

- WHAT WAS THAT? - SELF PRESERVATION.

I WAS WARNED NOT TO PUT MY HANDS ON YOU.

- WELL WHAT IF I WANT YOUR HANDS ON ME?

- YOU'RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK. THEY'RE GONE.

ARMS TOO. BLOWN OFF IN THE WAR.

I'M NOTHING BUT A TORSO NOW.

OH YEAH, LAUGH. LAUGH AT THE TORSO GUY.

YOU'RE A MEAN AND VICIOUS WOMAN.

- YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T OWN ME.

- YEAH? WELL, BE THAT AS IT MAY,

HE DOES SEEM LIKE THE JEALOUS TYPE.

- THAT IS ONE WAY TO PUT IT.

HE ALMOST CHOPPED OFF ONE OF HIS BODYGUARD'S FINGERS

FOR LOOKING AT ME IN AN IMPURE MANNER.

- LIKE THERE'S ANY OTHER WAY TO LOOK AT YOU.

- OKAY.

SO THAT'S WHEN I TELL YOU DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT.

'CAUSE I MIGHT HAVE TO PUT HANDS ON YOU.

- MM-HMM. - MM-HMM.

- SO HE'S CRAZY...

AND YOU'RE CRAZY BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU?

- WELL, HE DISCOVERED ME,

AND HE SIGNED ME TO HIS LABEL,

AND HE'S PRODUCING MY ALBUM.

- AND THAT'S IT?

- NO.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE EXCLUSIVE TO EACH OTHER.

- MM-HMM. - MM-HMM.

- I HONESTLY CAN'T EVEN COUNT HOW MANY BABYMAMAS HE'S GOT.

- OH, THAT SOUNDS COMPLICATED.

I LIKE TO KEEP IT SIMPLE. I ONLY HAVE THE ONE BABYMAMA.

- YEAH. YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THAT.

- MM-HMM.

- DANCE WITH ME. - NO.

NO, NO, NO. - COME ON.

- NO. HANKIE DON'T DANCE.

- HOLD MY PURSE.

- YOU'VE GOT A REALLY BEAUTIFUL PLACE HERE, CHARLIE.

- WELL, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

- I'M JEALOUS.

YOU SEEM LIKE YOU HAVE IT ALL FIGURED IT OUT.

- [laughs] ARE YOU KIDDING?

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU'VE GOT THIS GREAT KID, A SUCCESSFUL CAREER,

A WORKING AUTOMOBILE.

- TRUE, TRUE AND TRUE.

I ALSO HAVE A FAILED MARRIAGE,

A NUMBER OF TRULY HUMILIATING CAREER TURNS,

AND I HAVEN'T GOT AN OUNCE OF LOVE IN MY LIFE.

- HMM, JOIN THE CLUB.

- COME ON. A BEAUTIFUL GIRL LIKE YOU?

I BET YOU HAVE YOUR PICK OF THE LITTER.

- OF CREEPS, YES.

ANY CREEP I WANT IS MINE FOR THE TAKING.

IT'S HARD TO FIND A NICE GUY IN L.A.,

AND I'M NOT BEAUTIFUL.

- REALLY? - HMM.

- YOU'RE INSANE.

- AND YOU'RE SWEET. BUT I DON'T REALLY FIT THE MOLD.

DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I REALLY BELONG HERE.

I MEAN, I WANT TO WRITE CHILDREN'S BOOKS,

NOT SCREENPLAYS. - WAIT A SECOND.

DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE WORKING YOUR WAY

THROUGH COOKING SCHOOL?

- YEAH, THAT'S THE OTHER THING. I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.

I WANT TO BE SOMEONE NEW EVERY OTHER WEEK.

- YOU LIKE THAT? TELL ME YOU LIKE IT.

TELL ME YOU WANT CHARLIE'S DIRTY FINGERS INSIDE YOUR PUDDING.

- NO, CHARLIE.

I WON'T TELL YOU THAT, AND I DON'T LIKE IT.

- WHAT?

- YOU KIND OF JUST FINGER BLASTED ME OUT OF NOWHERE.

- I KNOW, I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO,

OR WHAT KIND OF PORN YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING,

BUT GIRLS IN THE REAL WORLD, WE DON'T GO FROM KISSING

TO FINGER BANGING IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING SO MUCH PORN ON THE INTERNET LATELY.

AND I'VE BEEN SEEKING SO MUCH SEXUAL GRATIFICATION,

THAT IT'S LIKE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO RELATE

TO REAL WOMEN ANYMORE.

- CLEARLY.

- YEAH, IT'S AS IF GOING ATM HAS BECOME DE RIGUEUR.

- UM...WHAT--

- ASS TO MOUTH.

- OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD. - I KNOW.

- NO, I MEAN YOU COULD GET AN INFECTION.

- I KNOW. BEEN THERE.

[dance music]

*

- OH, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

- HEY, WHO'S THIS CLOWN?

- JUST SOME OLD GUY FROM EARLIER WHO KEEPS HITTING ON ME.

SAID HE'D GIVE ME $30 FOR A HAND JOB.

- OH, ARE WE PLAYING THAT GAME NOW, ARE WE?

- YO, PAL...

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE A WALK SOMEWHERE?

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST KISS MY TURD CUTTER, LITTLE LUMBERJACK?

- OKAY. SO WHAT'S UP?

- OH, NO. - YOU WANNA GET HIT?

- YOU WANNA DRY THUMB UP THE ASS?

YOU HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

- YOU WANNA JUST GET OUT OF HERE?

- NO, NO, NO. COME...

- GLADLY. - NO, NO, NO.

- YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. - WHY NOT?

- 'CAUSE I'M IN CHARGE OF GETTING YOU HOME SAFELY.

- NO, I'M IN CHARGE OF GETTING ME HOME SAFELY.

- NOW YOU'RE JUST SPLITTING HAIRS.

LITTLE HAIRS. PUBIC HAIRS.

- WELL THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY PUBIC HAIRS.

- OH, COME ON. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH A LITTLE HAIR DOWN THERE?

YOU KIDS TODAY WITH YOUR SELF-LOATHING PUBE ABUSE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, BUSTER?

KEEP A CLEAN PLAYGROUND? - WHAT THE FUCK?

- IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION, BROSEPHINE.

- BROSEPH--YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE, EVERYONE DOES.

- AH... [coughs] HOMO.

- SAY WHAT? - [laughs]

- WHAT?

- YOU REALLY THINK YOU'RE HAVING BETTER SEX THAN YOUR PARENTS?

YOU THINK THAT YOUR FATHER LOVED YOUR MOTHER'S BEAUTIFUL PUSSY

ANY LESS BECAUSE SHE HAD MORE HAIR DOWN THERE?

- DON'T BE TALKING ABOUT MY MOM'S PUSSY.

- WHAT? I SAID IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, MAN.

- [groans] - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- [groaning]

[indistinct chatter]

- WHOO! OH, SORRY. [laughs]

- NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT.

- I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GAVE THAT GUY A TITTY-TWISTER.

- MM...

THE TITTY-TWISTER IS FROWNED UPON IN SOME CIRCLES,

BUT IT'S ACTUALLY A REMARKABLY EFFECTIVE STREET-FIGHTING TOOL.

AND IT CAN DIFFUSE A POTENTIALLY INCENDIARY SITUATION.

AND IT PROVOKES LAUGHTER.

YOU SEE THAT? WHAT'D I TELL YOU?

- [laughs] OH, GOSH.

[sighs] I'M HAVING FUN.

- WELL, OF COURSE YOU ARE.

I KNOW HOW TO SHOW A GIRL A GOOD TIME.

A FEW DRINKS, SOME DANCING, A LITTLE TITTY-TWISTING,

TOSS A FEW BURGERS DOWN OUR THROAT.

GET HER HOME BEFORE THIS LOWRIDER TURNS BACK

INTO A PUMPKIN. BONG-BONG.

- THIS IS AMAZING. - THAT?

BARGAIN BASEMENT PROMISE LAND? - UM.

- SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT THIS IS WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE.

- OR COME TO DIE. WHERE YOU FROM?

- BORN AND BRED IN THE BRONX.

- THE BRONX. - MM-HMM.

- WELL, THAT'S AN AMAZING PLACE....

- YEAH. - TO BE FROM.

- WELL HOW MANY OF US MAKE IT FROM THERE TO HERE?

- DOESN'T MATTER. YOU DID.

- WE'LL SEE HOW LONG I LAST. - I HEARD YOUR MUSIC.

I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

- SO... YOU LEAVE TONIGHT.

- YES SIRREE MA'AM.

- LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. - MM-HMM.

- IF YOU'RE LEAVING TONIGHT, LIKE, THIS VERY NIGHT...

- YEAH.

- WHAT'S THE HARM IN A GOOD-BYE KISS?

- WELL, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, IT'S HARD TO SEE THE HARM.

- I KNOW, RIGHT?

- MAYBE JUST ONE. - OH, YES. OF COURSE.

[groovy music]

*

- [laughing]

[gasps]

- WHAT THE FUCK YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF NOW, MOTHERFUCKER?

- UH... - COME ON!

- SANTA MONICA COP CANNOT BE MY LAST CREDIT.

- [laughs] - OH, MY GOD.

- I'M JUST FUCKIN' WITH YOU, MOODY.

- FUNNY HOW AT PEACE I WAS WITH IT.

- YEAH, WELL YOU SEEMED LIKE YOU WERE REALLY RELAXED.

- WHAT'S UP, MAMA?

- MAN, THE FUCKING SCRIPT WAS OFF THE CHARTS, HOMIE.

- YOU LIKE IT?

- LIKE IT? NIGGA, I LOVE IT, MAN.

MADE ME ONE BAD-ASS MOTHERFUCKER.

I'LL BE ABLE TO WALK ON THAT SET WITH CONFIDENCE, DUDE.

MY DICK JUST SWINGING EVERYWHERE, MAN.

THANK YOU, MOODY.

- YOU'RE WELCOME, CALVIN.

- HE SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME, MAMA?

- YEAH, IT WAS ALL RIGHT.

KIND OF LIMITED, BORING WHITE GUY.

- GUILTY AS CHARGED.

- Y'ALL TWO MOTHERFUCKERS KNOCKED BOOTS, MAN?

WHAT THE FUCK?

- BABE, I MEAN HONESTLY, COME ON.

I MEAN, THIS GUY? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- WELL, WAY TO KNOCK A GUY

WHEN HE'S GOT A GUN TO HIS THROAT.

- [laughs]

I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU, BRO.

I CAN'T STOP FUCKING WITH YOU, MAN.

- HA HA HA. - I'M IN CHARACTER.

- UNDERSTOOD.

- YOU GOT A FLIGHT TO CATCH, RIGHT?

- MOS DEF.

SORRY.

I DO HAVE A FLIGHT TO CATCH.

- SAFE TRAVELS.

- SEE YOU AROUND, HANK.

- YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT WHOLE BECOMING A STAR THING.

- AH, THANK YOU, AND GOOD LUCK WITH THAT WHOLE

KEEPING IT SIMPLE THING.

- AH, SPEAKING OF WHICH, LOOK. IT'S FROM THE BABYMAMA.

- AH, SHIT, I GOT A LOT OF THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS.

- YEAH, HOW MANY?

- SHIT, I'M NOT SURE. I GOT IT WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE.

- YES. - HELLO.

- HEY.

- WHERE IS SHE?

- SHE'S IN HER ROOM. SHE WON'T COME OUT.

I MEAN, I HAVEN'T SEEN HER THIS UPSET SINCE...EVER.

- YOU'RE BURYING THE LEAD. - WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHING.

- THIS IS GOOD NEWS. THEY BROKE UP. HE'S GONE.

- YEAH, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE

WHEN SHE'S THIS UPSET.

HE WAS CHEATING ON HER, HANK.

- YOU'RE KIDDING. I'LL ALERT THE MEDIA.

- NICE. - WHY WOULD HE TELL HER THAT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

THESE THINGS, THEY--

THEY HURT, YOU KNOW?

- I KNOW.

[knocking]

- CAN I COME IN OR ARE VISITING HOURS OVER?

- SHUT UP. - THERE'S MY GIRL.

- YOU CAN COME IN, BUT YOU BETTER NOT GLOAT.

- GLOAT? ME?

NEVER.

- PLEASE, YOU HATED HIM. - YES, I DID.

BUT I HATE EVERYBODY.

AND YOU'VE GOT A TOUGH ROAD AHEAD OF YOU.

NOBODY'S GONNA BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY LITTLE GIRL.

- GUESS I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHY MOM

PUT UP WITH YOUR SHIT FOR SO LONG.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- HE'S AN ASSHOLE AND I HATE HIS STINKING GUTS RIGHT NOW.

BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DON'T LOVE HIM.

- YEAH. I GET THAT.

- AND HE WAS A GREAT LOVER.

- [gags] THAT'S GROSS, HONEY.

- SORRY.

THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO A FRIEND FOR A MINUTE THERE.

- YEAH, NO, YOU ARE, AND THAT'S A GREAT COMPLIMENT.

BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS GRODY.

- HAVE TO HAND IT TO THE GUY, THOUGH.

HE WAS HONEST.

- OKAY, THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?

IN A TOTALLY SOUL-CRUSHING, HEART-BREAKING

KIND OF WAY, SURE.

HE FESSED UP TO BEING A LYING, CHEATING,

SKULLDUGGEROUS LITTLE MANWHORE.

- COME ON, LET'S GO.

WE'LL GO TO THE CANALS. WE'LL WALK ON THE CANALS.

REMEMBER WE USED TO DO THE SHIT OUT OF THAT WHEN YOU WERE A KID.

IT'S LIKE PENICILLIN FOR THE LOVELORN.

COME ON. COME ON, LET'S GO.

- DON'T YOU HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH?

- I CAN ALWAYS GET ONE TOMORROW.

OR THE NEXT DAY, OR THE NEXT DAY.

THERE'S NO PLACE I'D RATHER BE.

- * THE OTHER END I'LL BE WAITING THERE FOR YOU *

* YOU ARE NOT ALONE

- I'M SORRY, SWEETIE.

- * YOU ARE NOT ALONE

* JUST REACH OUT YOUR HAND

* AND I WILL PULL YOU THROUGH *

* AT THE OTHER END I'LL BE WAITING THERE FOR YOU *

* YOU ARE NOT ALONE

* YOU ARE NOT ALONE

* IF THERE'S ANYTHING THAT I CAN DO *