Original subtitles

- YOU'RE MY STUDENT. - NOT ANYMORE, I'M NOT.

- THIS IS SO NOT FAIR.

PREVIOUSLY ON CALIFORNICATION...

- I'VE NEVER STEPPED OUTSIDE OF MY MARRIAGE BEFORE.

- WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS

WOULD STEP OUT ON HIS ROYAL DEANNESS?

OH, I AM FLATTERED, BUT I...

MMM!

- AND I'M WET.

- OOH, HARD AND WET-- THAT'S A WINNING COMBINATION.

[crunch]

HEY!

WHAT? NOT EVEN A HELLO.

- WHAT, WERE YOU JUST GONNA LEAVE ME BEHIND?

- YOU'RE SAYING WE JUST PACK UP AND LEAVE L.A.?

THE THREE OF US MOVE BACK TO NEW YORK TOGETHER?

- YEAH, END OF THE SEMESTER.

- FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I'M ACTUALLY HAPPY,

AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO PACK UP

AND MOVE SOMEPLACE I HAVE NO FRIENDS?

- WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS AGAIN?

- SHE DIDN'T. NEXT.

- AAAAH!

RUNKLE IS ANKLING!

- RICK FUCKING SPRINGFIELD IS HERE IN MY HOUSE

RIGHT FUCKING NOW?

- '80s POP LEGEND RICK SPRINGFIELD

IS IN THERE STEALING YOUR GIRL.

- YOU HAVE TO OUT-FUCK RICK SPRINGFIELD.

- THE ONLY TIME I EVER MADE MARCY SQUEAL LIKE THAT

WAS WHEN I PUT THE RING ON HER FINGER.

[Marcy and Rick moaning]

- DESTROY ME, RICK SPRINGFIELD!

- CHRIST ON THE CROSS, HANK.

MY LUNGS ARE ABOUT TO EXPLODE.

- YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO COME.

YOU COULD HAVE STAYED HOME

AND MADE THE FUCKY-FUCKY WITH THE BOSS LADY.

- HEY, LAUGH ALL YOU WANT.

HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN SAY

THEY'VE BEEN IN THE SAME HONEY POT

AS JACK NICHOLSON?

- HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THE L.A. PHONE BOOK?

- AH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

I USED TO BE CHARLIE RUNKLE.

NOW...

[imitating Collini] I'M RUNKLE!

- HMM. LOOK AT US, RUNKLE.

L.A. HAS MADE US SOFT.

YOU USED TO BE ABLE TO RUN FOR THE LEXINGTON AVENUE EXPRESS

WITH THE BEST OF THEM,

ELBOWING INVESTMENT WANKERS OUT OF THE WAY.

YOUR CELL PHONE IN ONE HAND,

YOUR MAMMOTH BALL SACK IN THE OTHER,

A HOLLYWOOD REPORTER BETWEEN YOUR TEETH,

NOT EVEN BREATHING SO YOU WOULDN'T

INHALE THE FUCKING PISS STENCH.

- JESUS CHRIST, WE'RE OUT HERE 'CAUSE OF KAREN,

AREN'T WE?

- THAT'S RIGHT.

THE GODS HAVE SEEN FIT TO GIVE ME ANOTHER SHOT

WITH THE SOUL MATE.

SHE'S IN NEW YORK, FEATHERING THE NEST,

AND I GOT TO BE READY FOR HER,

MENTALLY... PHYSICALLY...

SEXUALLY.

- MAYBE IT'S TIME TO STOP BANGING

THE ENTIRE COLLEGE CAMPUS.

- RIGHT YOU ARE...

* MOTHERFUCKER

RIGHT AS RAIN.

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GROW UP, DO THE RIGHT THING.

- EASIER SAID THAN DONE, THOUGH, HUH?

- NAH, JACKIE'S 23.

SHE'S NOT LOOKING TO MAKE THOSE BREASTESES EXCLUSIVE.

AND JILL, SHE KNOWS I GOT A SNIP AND A BABY.

AND FELICIA, I'M JUST A DAYDREAM TO HER--

AN ESCAPE HATCH FROM THE DEANERY.

SHIT, I CAN GET THIS DONE IN ONE DAY--

BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER,

THEN HOME FOR SOME CYBERSEX WITH THE SOUL MATE.

- THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

- YOU KIDDING? IT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.

THE LIGHTING IS SUBPAR,

VERY DIFFICULT TO PROPERLY SHOWCASE

ONE'S DANGLING MAJESTY.

BUT IT SURE BEATS PHONE-ILINGUS.

[upbeat music]

*

[knock at door]

- YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, PROFESSOR MOODY?

- JACKIE, MY PRIZED PUPIL.

COME ON IN. HAVE A SEAT AND SHUT THE DOOR.

OR--OR WAIT. DON'T--DON'T SHUT THE DOOR.

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT--WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- WELL, I THINK YOU'RE MORE OF A THRILL-SEEKER

THAN I THOUGHT IF YOU WANT TO FUCK ME WITH THE DOOR OPEN.

- I KNOW. YOU KNOW, I-I THINK,

A-AS YOU GOT TO KNOW ME, YOU'D FIND THAT I WAS

PRETTY MUCH OF A FUDDY-DUDDY,

JUST AN OLD-FASHIONED--

- YEAH, I ACTUALLY WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT.

I THINK THAT WE NEED TO SPICE THINGS UP A LITTLE BIT.

I'M GETTING SORT OF TIRED OF BEING ON TOP ALL THE TIME.

- OH, WELL, DON'T--DON'T KNOCK COWGIRL.

THAT'S--THAT'S MY FAVORITE "POSISH."

YOU KNOW, I DO SOME OF MY BEST WORK FROM THE BOTTOM.

YOU KNOW WHY? - WHY?

- I GOT MY HANDS FREE.

IT'S LIKE SEXUAL BLUETOOTH.

- I MISSED YOU. IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

- YEAH, ABOUT THAT...

- DID YOU MISS ME?

- WELL, SURE I DID,

TONS.

UM...LOOK, HERE'S THE THING.

- OH, MY GOD. SERIOUSLY?

YOU'RE TRYING TO END THIS THING.

- UH, A THING, IS IT?

- WOW, WELL, IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU'RE DUMPING ME.

- THAT'S HARSH WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY,

BUT, UH, THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT,

IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.

YOU'RE A LOVELY GIRL, THE LOVELIEST OF THE LOVELIEST.

- THIS IS BECAUSE OF THAT WOMAN, ISN'T IT?

WHO WAS IN CLASS THE OTHER DAY--

YOUR OLD LADY.

- THAT'S THE WOMAN WHAT DONE IT, YES.

- SO, UM...

YOU'RE BACK WITH HER NOW?

- SHE IS THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD.

- OH, AND SHE DOESN'T MIND YOU SLEEPING WITH STUDENTS

WHO AREN'T VERY MUCH OLDER THAN THAT CHILD?

- WELL, THAT IS...LOW.

- OH, COMING FROM THE GUY WHO LOVED MY WORK

AND FOUND ME OH-SO-TALENTED,

BUT NOW HAS GROWN TIRED OF FUCKING ME.

- REALLY? HAVE I-- HAVE I MADE YOU FEEL THAT WAY?

- IT'S COOL. DON'T SWEAT IT.

IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS SERIOUS, RIGHT?

JUST FUN?

- FUN IT WAS.

- BESIDES, I'M A SEX WORKER, RIGHT?

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I CAN'T GET HURT.

I'M JUST A HOT PIECE OF STRIPPER ASS.

YOU HAVE YOUR FUN WITH ME, AND THEN YOU'RE DONE.

I GOT IT, LOUD AND CLEAR.

- I DON'T LIKE THE WAY THAT SOUNDS.

- WELL, MAYBE I DON'T LIKE THE WAY IT FEELS.

- [sighs] JACKIE, I'M SORRY.

- [chuckles] SORRY.

I'M SORRY. I AM SO, SO SORRY.

NO NEED TO MAKE A FUSS.

WE CAN HANDLE THIS LIKE ADULTS.

IN FACT, SINCE I'M...

[scoffs] RIGHT HERE...

- MM-HMM.

- WHY NOT JUST, UH, BLOW YOU ONE MORE TIME?

- OH. WELL...

NO, THAT'S REALLY NOT NECESSARY.

- OH, COME ON, JUST LET THE SEX WORKER

DO WHAT THE SEX WORKER DOES BEST.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

- MOODY, I--

JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

- OH! THIS IS SO NOT WHAT IT SEEMS.

- I KNEW IT. I KNEW YOU WERE A DEPRAVED LUNATIC.

- WELL, THAT MAY VERY WELL BE THE CASE,

BUT THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

- GOOD GOD, MAN, YOUR FLY IS OPEN.

- THANK YOU FOR EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY STUDENT.

- WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, JACKIE?

- WELL, HE SAID HE'D GIVE ME AN "A."

- OH, THAT IS SOME FUCKED-UP SHIT RIGHT THERE, WOMAN.

REVERSE COURSE.

- I'M GONNA HAVE YOU DRAWN AND QUARTERED.

MAYBE JACKIE'S GONNA WANT TO PRESS CHARGES

AGAINST THE AGING DEGENERATE

WHO COMPROMISED HER COLLEGE EXPERIENCE.

- MAYBE I WILL.

- [whispering] WHAT THE FUCK?

- BUT I CAN'T.

- WHY ON EARTH NOT?

- [laughing] 'CAUSE I WAS JUST KIDDING.

- YOU WERE KIDDING?

- LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

HE WAS JUST GIVING ME NOTES ON A STORY.

WE WERE TALKING

ABOUT THE ENDING, ACTUALLY, OF THE STORY, RIGHT?

- MM-HMM. YES.

- AND HE THINKS IT'S OVER. - RIGHT.

- BUT I KNOW THAT IT'S JUST BEGUN.

- RIGHT.

- BUT DON'T WORRY, DEAN KOONS, REALLY.

HE'S NEVER DONE ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY INAPPROPRIATE.

REALLY, HE'S VERY BORING

AND SO NOT MY TYPE.

I LIKE THEM DARKER,

HANDSOMER.

GOD, YOU HAVE GREAT EYEBROWS, SIR.

A GIRL COULD REALLY GET LOST IN THOSE THINGS.

- HE'S GOT, UH, PRETTY BLUE EYES, TOO, DOESN'T HE?

- GORGEOUS.

- WELL, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, JACKIE.

THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANKS FOR THE HELP.

I'LL SHOW MYSELF OUT.

[door opens, indistinct chatter from hall]

- YOU HAVE A THUNDEROUS ERECTION RIGHT NOW, DON'T YOU?

- OHH! [grunts with frustration]

[phone ringing]

- I'LL CLOSE THE DOOR, GIVE YOU SOME PRIVACY.

- OH, YEAH. THAT'S-- OH, THAT'S MAMA'S SWEET SPOT.

LOWER. AH, LOWER.

AH! ANOTHER TWO INCHES, I'LL READ YOUR SPEC SCRIPT.

- OH, NO, I DON'T DO THAT.

- OH, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE, HUH?

NO HAPPY ENDINGS, JUST CLIFF-HANGERS.

WELL, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

I'VE GROWN WEARY. I HAVE WORK TO DO.

RUNKLE! I NEED YOU ON MY CARPET!

- CRAZY BITCH.

- MORNING, SUE.

- AGH! THAT GUY... FIRED UP THE GRILL

AND WALKED OUT OF HERE WITH AN UNCOOKED WIENER.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

- IT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN BUDDHISTS

COMMANDEER A PROFESSION

THAT RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO WELL-HUNG SWEDES.

- SO IT IS.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

HAVE YOU EMPTIED THE CHAMBER TODAY?

- [chuckles] WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT--

- OF COURSE YOU HAVE. YOU'RE RUNKLE.

YOU'D WHACK IT TO A CAT DANCING ON YOUTUBE.

BUT I'M IN THE MOOD.

WANT TO FIRE OFF ANOTHER ROUND, HUH?

- PHONE CALL FOR YOU, SUE.

- RHONDA, YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO INTERRUPT ME

WHEN I'M ENTERTAINING A GENTLEMAN.

- IT'S HIM.

- HIM?

- MM-HMM.

- EVERYBODY OUT.

- UH-HUH.

MM-HMM.

- HOW YOU DOING?

- [scoffs]

- EVERYTHING GOOD OUT HERE? YOU--YOU HIP-POCKETING ANYONE?

THAT WAS ALWAYS MY MOVE AS AN ASSISTANT.

- [scoffs]

I KNOW SHE'S SEEN YOUR PENIS.

- GUESS WHAT, RHONDA?

SHE'S NOT ALONE.

11,000 HITS ON REDTUBE.

WHOO.

[chuckles]

- DON'T GO ANYWHERE, RUNKLE. [breathes deeply]

I NEED YOU.

- JILLYBEAN.

- [laughs]

- NICE TO SEE YOU.

- WOW, CLASSY. - AH.

- MOODY, REAL TABLECLOTHS.

YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING?

'CAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN THINK WE WERE DATING, PER SE.

- THAT'S INTERESTING, BECAUSE...

I'VE BEEN DOING SOME THINKING,

AND I WANTED TO-- - YEAH, ME TOO.

- YOU HAVE? - MM-HMM.

- LADIES FIRST.

- ACTUALLY, NOT THAT MUCH THINKING,

JUST A MEDIUM AMOUNT OF THINKING,

'CAUSE TOO MUCH WITH THE THINKING,

THAT DOES ME IN.

THAT'S HOW I JINX THINGS.

SO NOW I'M JUST TAKING IT SLOW,

GOING DAY BY DAY.

- MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

- WHAT WERE YOU GONNA SAY?

[giggles]

- OKAY.

OKAY, LOOK, HERE'S THE THING.

- OH, MY GOD. OH, MY SWEET FUCKING GOD.

- WHAT? - JACK.

MY EGG-WASTER. OHH!

- THAT'S THE EX DULL NORMAL? - YEAH.

THE GUY I WAITED HALF A FUCKING DECADE

TO PROPOSE TO ME.

- THAT GUY? - YES!

AND HE DUMPED ME, IN A PLACE JUST LIKE THIS--

FUCKING ITALIAN FOOD. - REALLY?

THAT IS A DICK MOVE.

- YEAH. AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

HE SAID IT WAS UNETHICAL FOR HIM

TO KEEP DATING ME, KNOWING THAT I WANTED TO GET MARRIED

AND HAVE KIDS,

AND HE WASN'T READY FOR THOSE THINGS.

- WELL, SEE, THAT--THAT SOUNDS

PRETTY MORALLY UPSTANDING TO ME.

IN FACT-- - REALLY?

'CAUSE IT DIDN'T STOP HIM

FROM HAVING REGULAR SEX WITH ME FOR FIVE YEARS.

- BUT YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN RID OF HIM, RIGHT?

WASH THAT MAN RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

BOOM! END OF PROBLEM.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT BEING THE DUMPER

INSTEAD OF THE DUMPEE?

THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU PRACTICE ON ME? - OH, MY GOD!

UHH! SHE HAS A RING. LOOK.

LOOK AT HER FINGER.

DO YOU SEE THAT MONSTROSITY ON HER FINGER?

THEY'RE FUCKING ENGAGED!

- I, UH-- - OH!

OH, MY GOD, I...

WHAT IS MY MOVE HERE? WHAT DO I DO?

- NOTHING. THERE IS NO MOVE.

- I HAVE TO GO AND SAY HI?

- NO! FUCK, NO. YOU DON'T SAY HI.

- BUT THAT'S WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO.

- JILL, YOU'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY.

THE ONLY THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW

SHOULD BE, "FUCK THAT GUY."

- I'M REALLY STARTING TO THINK

THAT'S THE ONLY PIECE OF ADVICE YOU HAVE.

- THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- OH, MY GOD, MOODY.

MOODY.

- OH, MY GOD, IT IS YOU.

- YEAH, IT'S ME, BUDDY. KIND OF BUSY HERE.

- WELL, EXCUSE ME FOR HAVING THE NERVE TO COME UP TO YOU

AND SAY HI IN PUBLIC.

DON'T BLOW ME OFF.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW

THAT I GOT THE TEST RESULTS BACK.

AND, UH, SHIT, I HOPE YOU HAVE THE COURAGE

TO INFORM THE REST OF YOUR SEXUAL PARTNERS,

BECAUSE LORD KNOWS I NEVER HAD THE HERP

BEFORE YOU BLEW ME UNTIL I WAS SHOOTING BLOOD

AT THE PALM SPRINGS WHITE PARTY.

WHATEVER.

I HOPE YOU AND YOUR BEARD

HAVE A WONDERFUL REST OF THE DAY.

[snaps fingers three times]

- [laughing]

- NOW... - OH, GOD.

OKAY, CAN I JUST TELL YOU THAT BEING INCREDIBLY SWEET

AND SENSITIVE TO MY SITUATION RIGHT NOW

IS NOT MAKING ME WANT TO FUCK YOU ANY LESS.

- [chuckling] - LET'S GO, BABY.

- OKAY, SO HERE'S THE THING.

- UGH. HE'S MY LIFE, CHARLIE.

HE'S MY FIRST CLIENT.

I CAN'T LOSE HIM. I AM FUCKED IF I LOSE HIM.

- LET ME HANDLE THIS FOR YOU, SUE.

KNOCK-KNOCK. RUNKLE CALLING.

HOW YOU DOING THERE?

HELLO, HELLO.

I'M CHARLIE RUNKLE AND...

- ARE YOU THE LAW?

OR ARE YOU AN OUTLAW?

'CAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE I CAN ABIDE.

- SUE, UH...

- SUSAN.

NO HARM, MAN.

COME IN PEACE.

I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

- DON'T DO THIS.

JUST GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS,

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.

- COME ON, SUE, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.

- THEN WHY CHANGE?

- IT'S--IT'S NOT ABOUT CHASING SOME SHINY HOLLYWOOD DREAM.

HELL, I'VE--

I'VE SNORTED, FUCKED, AND SMOKED EVERYTHING

HOLLYWOOD HAS TO OFFER.

- HEH.

- IT'S...

IT'S ABOUT MY LEGACY.

THESE YOUNG BULLDOGS FROM UTK CAME UP NIPPING AT MY HEELS,

SAYING THEY COULD PUT MY FACE ON A SALAD-DRESSING BOTTLE

AND SELL MILLIONS FOR CHARITY--

PAUL NEWMAN-TYPE SHIT.

- SHIT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

UTK GIVES THAT SPEECH

TO EVERY POTENTIAL CLIENT OVER 50.

IT'S HOW THEY POACH BOOMERS-- BY PREYING ON IDEALISM.

- WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

- I AM CHARLIE RUNKLE.

YOU CAN CALL ME CHUCK.

LOOK, WHAT THEY WANT TO DO

IS TURN YOU INTO A CORPORATE BRAND, MAN.

FORGET PAUL NEWMAN.

UH, UTK IS MORE LIKELY

TO PUT YOUR NAME ON A MCDONALD'S CUP.

SUE HERE IS THE ONE-- - STOP THE VOMIT.

LISTEN, SUE.

DID YOU BRING ME ONE OF THOSE MBA TWERPS,

OR IS THIS GUY A MAN?

- OH, NO. HE'S A MAN.

- RIGHT.

WELL, THEN LET'S SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN.

- YOU WANT ME TO FIGHT YOU?

- YOU LICK ME, I GO WITH HER.

I LICK YOU, YOU WILL LEAVE THE PREMISES.

- [laughing]

- ALL RIGHT, RUNKLE.

- I--WHA-- - UHH!

POUND HIM!

- I'M NOT GONNA HIT AN OLD MAN.

- I HEARD THAT, PANTYWAIST.

FORGET TO TAKE YOUR PAMPRIN THIS MORNING?

- OKAY, THEN.

HOW DO YOU PROPOSE WE DO THIS, HUH?

WE'RE GONNA DO IT TIGER STYLE?

OR DO YOU LIKE THE SPIDER, HMM?

HMM?

AAH! UNH!

- COME ON.

- SUE IS SUE!

SHE BELIEVES IN PEOPLE, NOT BRANDS.

SHE HAD YOUR BACK WHEN YOU WERE LIVING IN HER VAN.

SHE'LL HAVE IT TILL THE DAY YOU DI--OW!

THAT'S MY FUCKING BAD NIPPLE!

[both grunting]

YOU WANT YOUR FACE ON SOME SALAD DRESSING,

SUE WILL GET YOU SOME MOTHERFUCKING SALAD DRESSING.

AGH!

- ARRGH!

OHH! GOD, FUCK.

MY GODDAMN SCIATICA.

- FUCK THE WHIMPERING DOG PACK!

GO WITH THE LIONESS!

- I'M IN.

GET THE FUCK OFF ME.

- RUNKLE.

[grunts]

COME ON, YOU.

- [grunts]

- [grunts] COME ON.

YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK, YOU OLD BEAR.

- OH, SUSIE, YOU KNOW I NEVER WOULD HAVE LEFT YOU.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SIGN WITH THOSE UTK GUYS.

THEY'RE THE LAUGH OF THE TOWN

WITH THAT AGENT THAT'S MASTURBATING ALL THE TIME.

- [laughs] YEAH. TELL ME ABOUT IT.

THAT PLACE IS UNSAVORY.

- [knocks]

- [gasps]

OH, PROFESSOR MOODY.

OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE. - CAN I COME IN?

- UH, NOT THE BEST OF TIMES, ACTUALLY.

- WELL, I HAVE SOME IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS,

WEIGHTY THINGS--

STUFF I'D LIKE TO GET OFF MY CHEST.

- WELL...

BY ALL MEANS, THEN.

- [clears throat]

- I REALLY DO HAVE A MEETING.

- OKAY, OKAY.

[clears throat]

[inhales sharply] SO LOOK, HERE'S THE THING.

NO. NO, NO.

THIS IS YUMMIER.

- YOU'RE QUITTING. I KNOW.

YOU'RE MOVING BACK TO NEW YORK, AREN'T YOU?

YOU AND KELLY ARE GOING TO GIVE IT ANOTHER GO.

- KAREN. KAREN.

- WHATEVER.

THE POINT IS, I ASSUMED YOU'D BE MOVING BACK.

NOT TO WORRY, WE'LL BE FINE.

LIFE GOES ON.

I'M SURE I COULD JUST CRUISE BY HOME DEPOT

AND FIND SOMEONE MORE SUITABLE FOR THE JOB.

- HMM.

- [sighs]

- WELL...

YOU CAN'T SAY WE DIDN'T GIVE IT A SHOT, RIGHT?

WE GAVE IT THE OLD COLLEGE TRY, DIDN'T WE?

- DID YOU, HANK?

- I LIKE TO THINK SO.

- OH, WELL, THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, THEN.

- YOU SEEM RATHER ANNOYED WITH ME.

- AH, IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST, REALLY.

- WHAT'S FOR THE BEST?

- WELL, SEEING AS THOUGH

I MADE AN ABSOLUTE FOOL OUT OF MYSELF,

I CAN'T SAY THAT I'M ENTIRELY SAD TO SEE YOU GO.

NO, IT'S TRUE, REALLY.

YOU KNOW...

I OFFERED MYSELF TO YOU, AND YOU WEREN'T INTERESTED.

- WHOA, FELICIA, THAT'S NOT EXACTLY HOW IT WENT DOWN.

Y-YOU HAVE SOME SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP ISSUES

TO ATTEND TO, AS DO I.

AND THE MOST THAT WE COULD HAVE OFFERED EACH OTHER

IS SOME... [sniffs] SEXUAL HEALING--

PLEASURES OF THE FLESH AND WHATNOT, THAT'S ALL.

- OH, BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR.

- OH, NO, NO, NO. YOU SAY THAT, BUT--

- NO, IT IS. - NO, BUT--BUT--

AFTER A WHILE, I WOULD WORK MY WAY UNDER YOUR SKIN

LIKE THE SLOW-MOVING FUNGUS THAT I AM.

AND YOU--I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A SUCKER FOR A WOMAN

WHO'S A BOY ON MY ARM AND A PUMA IN THE BEDROOM.

- IF ONLY I COULD HAVE JUST HAD ONE LITTLE NIBBLE.

- A NIBBLE'S NOT ENOUGH. WE BOTH KNOW THAT, FELICIA.

- YEAH. IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST.

- SO WE'RE COOL? - YES, WE'RE COOL.

[doorbell rings] - OKAY.

- THAT'S MY MEETING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN-- YOU CAN GO OUT THIS DOOR

IF--IF YOU'D LIKE, IF IT'S MORE CONVENIENT.

- BUT I-- MY--MY CAR IS RIGHT OUT FRONT,

SO WHY DON'T I JUST-- - OH, OF COURSE.

I'LL SEE YOU OUT.

OH, OH, WAIT, WAIT.

- DAVID. - HEY.

OOH.

- COME IN. - YOU LOOK GOOD.

OH, I'M--I'M SORRY. UH, AM I EARLY?

AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING? - NOT AT ALL.

- YEAH, WELL, HE KIND OF IS.

- NONSENSE. PROFESSOR MOODY WAS JUST LEAVING.

- HANK MOODY. DAVID WILDER.

BIG FAN. BIG, BIG FAN.

- DAVID'S ANOTHER OF OUR NOTORIOUS WRITERS

AT THE UNIVERSITY. - YEAH, THE HARDEST OF WOODS.

- YEAH. - I'M AWARE.

- YOU KNOW, BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG,

I WAS IN A FAIR AMOUNT OF TROUBLE WITH THIS ONE

FOR BEDDING THE LOCAL TALENT.

SO THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE PRESSURE OFF ME.

- AH, YOU'RE WELCOME...

I GUESS.

- YEAH, IT'S, UH-- IT'S GIVEN ME

A HELL OF A LOT OF TIME TO WORK ON MY WRITING,

WHICH IS NICE, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO?

I LIKE TO SIT AT MY DESK,

AND I LIKE TO BREW UP A BIG MUG OF WORD TEA.

- WORD TEA? SURE.

- [laughing] - YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO.

WE HAVE WORK TO DISCUSS.

- WHERE--WHERE EXACTLY IS, UH,

HIS ROYAL DEANNESS THIS EVENING?

- OH, HE'S OUT WITH FRIENDS,

RE-CREATING, UH, THE BATTLE OF CHICKAMAUGA.

- THAT'S INTERESTING. THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.

- NO, IT'S NOT, ACTUALLY. IT'S DULL AS SHIT.

- YOU'RE DOING IT, AREN'T YOU?

YOU'RE CASHING IN YOUR FREEBIE, YOUR MARITAL HALL PASS.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- YEAH, YOU DO. YOU'RE GONNA STICK IT TO THE DEANER

BY LETTING WILDER HERE SHOW YOU HIS HARDEST OF WOODS.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON.

- UH, HEY, BUDDY, THAT IS COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE.

- DON'T-- DON'T DO IT, FELICIA.

DON'T THROW IT ALL AWAY FOR A FEW CLUMSY MINUTES

WITH THE POOR MAN'S VERSION OF ME,

THE ROAD-SHOW VERSION OF ME.

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

BRAGGING'S NOT MY THING, BUT I CAN GO FOR HOURS, MOODY.

STAY AND WATCH. BE MY GUEST.

MAYBE SHE'LL TAKE US BOTH ON.

- HANK, THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

EVEN IF I WAS CASHING SOMETHING IN OR WHATEVER--

- FELICIA, DON'T DO IT.

DON'T--DON'T-- DON'T CHUCK IT ALL

FOR THE FUCKING NUTTY PROFESSOR HERE.

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT IS UNCALLED FOR.

AND WE BOTH KNOW THAT I'M NOT BLACK.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME, BY THE WAY,

THAT YOU PUBLISHED ANYTHING, MOODY?

- YOU KNOW WHAT? EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU HAVE NO--

YOU JUST GOT BACK WITH YOUR EX-WHATEVER,

JUST AS THINGS WERE STARTING TO HEAT UP BETWEEN US.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, FELICIA?

IT'S UP TO YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT I WOULD JUMP AT THE OPPORTUNITY

TO MAKE SWEET, HARD LOVE TO YOU.

YOU HAVE THE-- YOU HAVE THE ASS

OF A TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY.

- HANK, PLEASE, JUST GO.

IT'S TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE.

I CAN'T.

- FINE. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL.

YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS.

BE GOOD TO HER, WILDER.

SHE'S WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

- I CONCUR.

HEY, UH, MOODY...

I HAVE A BOOK COMING OUT THIS SPRING.

DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU CAN WRITE ME UP A BLURB?

- WHAT'S THIS ONE CALLED, THE BUOYANCY OF TURDS?

- THINK ABOUT IT. I'LL SEND YOU A COPY, OKAY?

I THINK HE'S DRUNK.

- SO HOW DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

DO YOU WANT TO JUST KICK BACK

AND START WITH A LITTLE ORAL, HUH?

DO YOU WANT A LITTLE BIT OF THIS?

OR SHOULD I GO FOR A LITTLE BIT OF THAT, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,

I COULD EAT THAT PEACH ALL NIGHT LONG.

I JUST CAMP OUT...

S'MORES.

[chuckles]

YEAH, I THINK YOU'LL FIND

THAT I'M A VERY GIVING AND CARING LOVER...

[door slams] SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY--

- FINE, I'LL DO IT.

YOU WANT TO THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY, USE ME.

- WHAT? THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I'VE--

PLEASE! GO!

MMM, MMM.

OHH.

- WILDER, GO BREW YOURSELF A BIG MUG OF WORD TEA...

AND DIP YOUR BALLS IN IT.

- HUH.

BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR IS AVAILABLE ON BLU-RAY.

- LASER DISC.

PEOPLE WHO SOLD THEIR LASER DISCS

WERE ABSOLUTE ASSHOLES,

FOOLS AND ASSHOLES.

- OH! WHAT?

- FLIP IT.

- AH, FLIP IT!

WOW.

OKAY.

SO WHERE IS THE MAN OF THE HOUSE THIS EVENING?

- BERLIN.

DICKIE IS BIDDING ON AN EGYPTIAN FERTILITY AMULET.

IT'S QUITE RARE, REALLY.

IT'S THE WORLD'S FIRST DEPICTION OF A BUTT PLUG.

- EXCELLENT. EXCELLENT.

GOOD FOR HIM.

- I MUST TOAST YOU.

WHAT YOU DID TODAY WAS ASTONISHING.

- THANK YOU, SUE.

- WHEN YOU STARTED, I THOUGHT,

"MY GOD, THIS MAN HAS DIARRHEA OF THE MOUTH

AND THERE IS NO KAOPECTATE IN SIGHT."

BUT THE POETRY...

THAT POURED OUT OF YOU--

I MEAN, YOU CAST YOUR ROD,

AND YOU HOOKED THE OLD SWORDFISH,

AND YOU REELED HIM IN BY HIS TAINT.

TO CHARLES W. RUNKLE,

MY HERO.

- NO. NO.

TO YOU, SUE.

- AHH. - WELL, LOOK AT THAT.

- SO LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!

- HMM.

- TOOT?

- UH...

WHY NOT?

[chuckles]

WOW, THAT'S, UH...

THAT'S A NICE COKE STRAW.

[clicks tongue] VERY CLASSY.

- YEAH. IT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY A FEMALE MEMBER

OF FLEETWOOD MAC.

- [nose honks] AHH.

WHEW! [sniffs]

STEVIE NICKS?

- OH, I CAN'T SAY.

BUT IT WASN'T CHRISTINE MCVIE

OR LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM.

- YEAH, LINDSEY'S A DUDE.

- EXACTLY.

I HAVE A DEVIATED SEPTUM.

- OH...

WELL, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T TOUCH THIS STUFF AT ALL.

YOU KNOW, THAT REALLY BURNS.

- I WANT YOU TO DO ME A SOLID, RUNKLE.

I NEED YOU TO BLOW THIS UP MY BUM--

YOU KNOW, A TUSH TOOT.

THE OLD COKE IN THE CAN, HUH?

[laughs] NO BIGGIE.

- HA! HEH, NO, IT'S NO BIGGIE...

- [laughing]

- NO BIGGIE AT ALL.

[both laughing]

- GOT ANYTHING A LITTLE LONGER?

- [laughs] - WE'LL USE THIS.

- WHOA. NOT SO FAST.

WHERE YOU GOING ON A SCHOOL NIGHT, YOUNG LADY?

- ACTUALLY, I WAS HOPING

WE COULD GO GRAB SOME ICE CREAM,

MAKE THOSE COLDSTONE GUYS WORK FOR THEIR TIPS.

- REALLY?

WHAT, LIKE ME AND YOU?

TOGETHER?

LIKE FATHER AND DAUGHTER, ALMOST, TOGETHER?

TO THE STONE THAT IS COLD, TOGETHER?

[door opens] THAT'S COOL.

WHAT THE FUCK?

- HANK! [chuckles] MR. MOODY.

- YOU'RE NOT GONNA "MR. HANK"

YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE, CHELSEA.

JESUS CHRIST. - BECCA SAID YOU'D BE GONE.

- DAD, CAN YOU PLEASE BE COOL?

- BE COOL?

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH SPUNK

THIS KID HAS DEPOSITED ALL OVER YOUR BEDROOM!

OKAY, THAT WAS UNSAVORY, ALL RIGHT?

BUT IT HAD TO BE SAID. NOW, TIME TO GO!

COME ON, CHELSEA.

OW.

- YOU LIMPING, HANK?

- YES, I WENT JOGGING THIS MORNING, CHELSEA, OKAY?

NOW GO.

YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT I'M DOING.

[door closes]

IS THIS REALLY HOW YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR SCHOOL NIGHTS?

- I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

- YOU WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING WRONG?

BECCA, YOU INVITED YOUR FRIENDS OVER

TO FUCK IN YOUR BEDROOM WHILE YOU WAITED OUTSIDE.

THAT IS DISGUSTING.

- AND THAT'S HILARIOUS, COMING FROM YOU AND ALL.

- WHAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?

DO YOU THINK THIS HOUSE IS A BORDELLO?

OKAY, LOOK...

HERE'S THE THING. - ACTUALLY, DAD, YES.

THIS HOUSE IS A BORDELLO,

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW IT'S RUN BY YOU!

- NOW, DON'T YOU TRY TO TURN THIS AROUND ON ME. BECCA!

BECCA! DON'T GO OUT THAT DOOR!

- MIGHT AS WELL LIVE WHATEVER LIFE I HAVE LEFT

BEFORE YOU SHIP ME OFF TO NEW YORK!

- BECCA.

BECCA!

BECCA.

[door closes]

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