All language subtitles for Californication S03E01 Wish You Were Here

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:11,030 --> 00:00:13,260 - I LOVE YOU, KAREN... AND I'M GONNA SPEND 2 00:00:13,300 --> 00:00:14,800 THE REST OF MY LIFE ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. 3 00:00:14,830 --> 00:00:17,370 - [giggles] - WILL YOU MARRY ME, KAREN? 4 00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:19,070 - YOU GUYS ARE OFFICIALLY BACK TOGETHER? 5 00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:20,640 - FOR NOW. UNTIL WE FUCK IT UP. 6 00:00:20,670 --> 00:00:21,570 - COULD BE ANY SECOND NOW. 7 00:00:21,610 --> 00:00:23,740 - YOU GONNA SHIT CAN 15 YEARS EXPERIENCE 8 00:00:23,770 --> 00:00:26,410 'CAUSE A GUY MESSES UP ONE TIME? 9 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:27,480 [moaning] 10 00:00:27,510 --> 00:00:28,550 AAH! 11 00:00:28,580 --> 00:00:30,110 - YOU GOT FIRED? 12 00:00:30,150 --> 00:00:31,350 - CHARLIE RUNKLE. - DAISY. 13 00:00:31,380 --> 00:00:32,780 I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET A FRIGGING MEETING 14 00:00:32,820 --> 00:00:33,980 WITH RONNY PRAEGER. 15 00:00:34,020 --> 00:00:37,120 HE'S LIKE THE SPIELBERG OF PORN. - I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO. 16 00:00:37,150 --> 00:00:38,490 - THAT IS SO AWESOME! 17 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,260 AND DON'T WORRY. I WILL BLOW YOU. 18 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,090 - NO, WE'RE GONNA KEEP THIS STRICTLY BUSINESS. 19 00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:44,230 I'M KING OF FUCK MOUNTAIN! 20 00:00:44,260 --> 00:00:45,630 - IT'S NOT A MEMOIR. 21 00:00:45,660 --> 00:00:46,800 - IT'S A WRITTEN ACCOUNT 22 00:00:46,830 --> 00:00:48,270 OF MY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. 23 00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:50,330 - WRITTEN BY ME AS A FUCKING NOVEL. 24 00:00:50,370 --> 00:00:52,370 - LEW ASHBY. - HANK MOODY. 25 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:53,500 I GOT THIS BOOK DEAL. 26 00:00:53,540 --> 00:00:56,340 WANNA WRITE ABOUT WHY EVERYTHING I TOUCH TURNS TO GOLD. 27 00:00:56,370 --> 00:00:57,740 - AAH! - [chuckling] 28 00:00:57,770 --> 00:01:01,310 - OH, NO! YOU DIDN'T! 29 00:01:03,310 --> 00:01:04,580 LEW! 30 00:01:04,610 --> 00:01:06,120 WHERE YOU HEADED? 31 00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:07,150 - I'M TAKING FUCKING AND PUNCHING 32 00:01:07,180 --> 00:01:08,550 ALL OVER THIS FAIR COUNTRY OF OURS. 33 00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:13,290 - MOTHERS, LOCK UP YOUR SONS. - AND HUSBANDS. 34 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,330 - WE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE. - NO. 35 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,130 - I JUMPED IN THE CAR WITH YOU THAT NIGHT, 36 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,660 AND WE JUST TRIED TO PICK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF. 37 00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:21,400 - I CAN'T STAY. 38 00:01:21,430 --> 00:01:24,270 - IT'S OKAY, DAD. IT WAS NICE WHILE IT LASTED. 39 00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:27,440 - I WANNA GET A DIVORCE. I'M GONNA BE WITH DAISY. 40 00:01:27,470 --> 00:01:29,710 - YOU FUCKED MY MAN. - AAH! 41 00:01:29,740 --> 00:01:31,810 [glass shatters, screaming] 42 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,880 - MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK. - I JUST LEFT MY WIFE FOR YOU! 43 00:01:34,910 --> 00:01:36,450 - YOU SAID I COULD HAVE EVERYTHING. 44 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,450 BUT DON'T WORRY YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD ABOUT IT. 45 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,150 WE'LL LET MY LAWYER FIGURE IT OUT. 46 00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:42,820 HE'S REALLY GOOD. LATER, RUNKLE. 47 00:01:42,850 --> 00:01:43,820 [door clicks] 48 00:01:43,850 --> 00:01:45,690 - THAT'S HIM. - HIM WHO? 49 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:47,890 - WHAT DO YOU WANT? - I'M HERE TO SEE BECCA MOODY. 50 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,160 - I GOT A JOB. IT'S IN NEW YORK. 51 00:01:50,190 --> 00:01:53,300 I THINK YOU SHOULD COME. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THIS. 52 00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:55,600 I FEEL KIND OF BAD SPLITTING THEM UP RIGHT NOW. 53 00:01:55,630 --> 00:01:58,440 - WELL, THEN DON'T. YOU GO, I STAY. 54 00:01:58,470 --> 00:02:00,270 AT THE END OF THE DAY, IT'S ALL ABOUT HER. 55 00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:01,910 - I WISH YOU HADN'T JUST SAID ALL THAT. 56 00:02:01,940 --> 00:02:03,510 - WHY? 57 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,640 - 'CAUSE IT JUST MAKES ME LOVE YOU EVEN MORE. 58 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:19,490 [woman moaning, panting] 59 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:22,630 - [snoring] 60 00:02:22,660 --> 00:02:23,890 - HANK? 61 00:02:23,930 --> 00:02:25,460 - MM. 62 00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:27,460 - HANK. 63 00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:29,470 - [stammers] - HANK. 64 00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:32,500 - YEP. PRESENT. 65 00:02:32,540 --> 00:02:34,840 - DID YOU JUST... - NO. 66 00:02:34,870 --> 00:02:36,310 - YOU DID! - NOT ME. 67 00:02:36,340 --> 00:02:38,240 I DID NOT. - HANK... 68 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,680 - [groans] 69 00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:42,250 WELL, MAYBE FOR A SECOND. 70 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:44,610 - JESUS CHRIST! - NO, DON'T BE CROSS. 71 00:02:44,650 --> 00:02:46,820 - YOU FELL ASLEEP. - I DOZED. 72 00:02:46,850 --> 00:02:48,550 BARELY. - INSIDE OF ME. 73 00:02:48,590 --> 00:02:49,690 - MAYBE. FOR A SECOND. 74 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:52,620 NOW, IT DOES NOT REFLECT POORLY ON YOU. 75 00:02:52,660 --> 00:02:55,760 OR YOUR VAGINA. IT'S A LOVELY VAGINA. 76 00:02:55,790 --> 00:02:58,700 IT'S WARM AND COZY... INVITING, 77 00:02:58,730 --> 00:03:00,830 CAPACIOUS, YET ACCOMMODATING. 78 00:03:00,860 --> 00:03:03,330 IT'S CHEEKY BUT NOT IMPUDENT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 79 00:03:03,370 --> 00:03:05,440 IT'S A LOVELY PLACE TO CURL UP INSIDE. 80 00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:07,570 - AND GO TO SLEEP. 81 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,010 GREAT. GOD, WHERE'S MY FUCKING CLOTHES? 82 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:10,570 - N-NOT SO FAST. 83 00:03:10,610 --> 00:03:11,740 LOOK, I MAY BE TIRED, 84 00:03:11,780 --> 00:03:14,280 BUT I'M ALSO INCREDIBLY HARD RIGHT NOW. 85 00:03:14,310 --> 00:03:16,410 [grunts] YOU FEEL THAT? 86 00:03:16,450 --> 00:03:18,650 [hoarsely] I JUST FLEXED MY COCK MUSCLE. 87 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:19,980 THAT'S PRETTY COOL, HUH? 88 00:03:20,020 --> 00:03:22,950 FLEXING IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. 89 00:03:22,990 --> 00:03:25,990 WHERE'S THE HARM IN A FEW WINKS? 90 00:03:26,020 --> 00:03:29,430 YOU KNOW, SINGLE DADNESS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS. 91 00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:31,760 I GOTTA BE UP WAY EARLY TO MAKE THE MORNING MEAL 92 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,660 AND GET THE KID TO SCHOOL. 93 00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:36,330 THEN I GOTTA COME HOME AND WRESTLE WITH THE BLANK PAGE. 94 00:03:36,370 --> 00:03:37,800 YOU KNOW, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, 95 00:03:37,830 --> 00:03:39,470 IT'S TIME TO GET BACK IN THAT FUCKING PICKUP LINE 96 00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:40,670 ALL OVER AGAIN. 97 00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:43,670 - EVER HEAR OF CARPOOLING? - AND THEN I GOTTA--I GOTTA-- 98 00:03:43,710 --> 00:03:46,580 I GOTTA MAKE SOME KIND OF VAGUELY HEALTHY EVENING MEAL. 99 00:03:46,610 --> 00:03:49,350 I GOTTA MONITOR HER COMPUTER AND TEXTING ACTIVITY. 100 00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:50,710 IT'S FUCKING EXHAUSTING. 101 00:03:50,750 --> 00:03:53,880 I MEAN, I BARELY EVEN HAVE TIME TO GET LOADED ANYMORE. 102 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:56,390 [door thuds closed] 103 00:03:57,920 --> 00:03:59,560 - EXCUSE ME. 104 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,860 - WAS THAT... - NO, YOU'RE WRONG. 105 00:04:03,890 --> 00:04:05,360 - BUT... - YOU'RE WRONG. 106 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:06,630 MOVE ON. 107 00:04:06,660 --> 00:04:11,370 - I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL ABOUT KEEPING YOURSELF PURE FOR MOM. 108 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:14,300 - SHE'S A FRIEND, YOU KNOW. WE WERE DOING FRIEND-LIKE STUFF. 109 00:04:14,340 --> 00:04:16,310 PRACTICALLY NAPPING. 110 00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:19,340 - HEY...GOOD FOR YOU. 111 00:04:19,380 --> 00:04:20,780 I'M NOT JUDGING. 112 00:04:20,810 --> 00:04:24,710 MOM'S CERTAINLY NOT KEEPING HERSELF PURE FOR YOU. 113 00:04:24,750 --> 00:04:28,450 - WHAT? - NOTHING. MOVE ON. 114 00:04:28,490 --> 00:04:30,820 - WHAT ARE YOU GUYS EVEN DOING HERE ANYWAY? 115 00:04:30,850 --> 00:04:32,390 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE MOVIES. 116 00:04:32,420 --> 00:04:34,860 - WE WALKED OUT. - IT WAS SO FUCKING LAME, HANK. 117 00:04:34,890 --> 00:04:36,760 - HANK? 118 00:04:36,790 --> 00:04:40,330 REALLY? UH-UH, IT'S MR. MOODY TO YOU, LITTLE MISSY. 119 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,770 - MR. MOODY. 120 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:47,500 [crunching] 121 00:04:50,110 --> 00:04:54,380 - WAIT A SECOND. YOU GUYS ARE STONED! 122 00:04:54,410 --> 00:04:55,180 - DAD...PLEASE. 123 00:04:55,210 --> 00:04:56,850 - TELL ME WHERE YOU GOT THE WEED. 124 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,350 I WILL KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER. TELL ME. 125 00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:03,120 - IN YOUR TYPEWRITER. - I KNEW IT! 126 00:05:03,150 --> 00:05:04,550 DAMN IT. 127 00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:05,990 - [snickers] - ALL RIGHT. 128 00:05:06,020 --> 00:05:07,960 SHIT. GIMME WHAT YOU GOT. 129 00:05:07,990 --> 00:05:09,830 FORK IT OVER. EVERYTHING. 130 00:05:09,860 --> 00:05:12,030 I'M GONNA WEIGH THAT. 131 00:05:16,530 --> 00:05:17,870 - NO, NO. H-HOLD ON, LADIES. 132 00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:19,140 I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU. 133 00:05:19,170 --> 00:05:21,840 NOW, LOOK, HEY, I AM VERY WELL AWARE 134 00:05:21,870 --> 00:05:23,440 THAT I DON'T ALWAYS SET THE BEST EXAMPLE, 135 00:05:23,470 --> 00:05:25,110 BUT YOU GUYS ARE ENTIRELY TOO YOUNG 136 00:05:25,140 --> 00:05:26,510 TO BE MESSING AROUND WITH THIS STUFF. 137 00:05:26,540 --> 00:05:28,450 YOU KNOW, IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT POT. 138 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:31,550 IT'S VERY MUCH A GATEWAY DRUG. 139 00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:33,420 AND IT CAN BE A GATEWAY TO SOME PRETTY COOL THINGS. 140 00:05:33,450 --> 00:05:35,050 BUT IT CAN ALSO LEAD TO POVERTY, DESPAIR, 141 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:36,720 STUNTED ADOLESCENCE, MAN-BREASTS. 142 00:05:36,750 --> 00:05:38,820 [both snickering] 143 00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:40,860 YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY? 144 00:05:40,890 --> 00:05:44,060 [both giggling] 145 00:05:44,090 --> 00:05:46,730 - OH, GO ON, GET OUTTA HERE. BOTH OF YOU. 146 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,670 TO BE CONTINUED, YOUNG LADY. 147 00:05:48,700 --> 00:05:50,900 [laughter continues] 148 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:53,100 OH... 149 00:07:07,940 --> 00:07:09,580 [hissing] 150 00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,750 [elevator bell dings] 151 00:07:15,790 --> 00:07:17,920 WHAT UP, CHOCOLATE SWEETNESS? 152 00:07:17,950 --> 00:07:19,520 - WHO ARE YOU HERE TO SEE? 153 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,730 - RUNKLE. - WHOSE UNCLE? 154 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,490 - RUNKLE. CHARLIE RUNKLE. 155 00:07:24,530 --> 00:07:26,530 - OH, THE CUTE LITTLE BALD GUY. 156 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,160 - JUST SO'S YOU KNOW, 157 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:29,830 NOT A POSE THAT INSPIRES CONFIDENCE 158 00:07:29,870 --> 00:07:31,270 IN YOUR ONE AND ONLY CLIENT. 159 00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:34,200 - IT'S THIS GODDAMN ECONOMY, HANK. 160 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,740 - YOU CAN'T BLAME EVERYTHING ON THE ECONOMY, DOUCHE BAG. 161 00:07:36,770 --> 00:07:38,110 - NO? CAN I BLAME IT FOR THE FACT 162 00:07:38,140 --> 00:07:40,680 THAT NO ONE WANTS TO PUBLISH YOUR BOOK? 163 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,710 - NONSENSE. PEOPLE LOVE ME. 164 00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:44,810 - NO ONE, HANK. NOT A SOUL. 165 00:07:44,850 --> 00:07:47,520 - WHAT THE FUCK, RUNKLE? - I DON'T KNOW. 166 00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:49,020 I BEEN COLLECTING PASSES ALL MORNING. 167 00:07:49,050 --> 00:07:51,620 IT'S TOO LONG. IT'S TOO SELF-INDULGENT. 168 00:07:51,660 --> 00:07:53,760 IT'S TOO HATEFUL, TOO MISOGYNISTIC. 169 00:07:53,790 --> 00:07:55,990 IT'S TOO SOFT. IT'S TOO MEAN-SPIRITED. 170 00:07:56,030 --> 00:07:57,660 - LIKE THOSE ARE BAD THINGS? 171 00:07:57,690 --> 00:07:59,060 I-I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA SAY THIS OUT LOUD, 172 00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:00,530 BUT WHAT ABOUT THE STUDIOS? 173 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,070 - NOPE. THEY'RE NOT BITING EITHER. 174 00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:03,570 - YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT HOLLYWOOD DOESN'T WANT 175 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,200 SOMETHING ELSE FROM THE UNREPENTANT ASSHOLE, 176 00:08:05,230 --> 00:08:07,740 THAT BROUGHT YOU CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE ONE... 177 00:08:07,770 --> 00:08:08,910 - HANK. - AND DOS? 178 00:08:08,940 --> 00:08:11,310 - HANK, I TOLD YOU TO PLAY NICE, DIDN'T I? 179 00:08:11,340 --> 00:08:13,580 I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK THE DIRECTOR'S WIFE. 180 00:08:13,610 --> 00:08:16,280 I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE A BURNING BAG OF YOUR OWN FECES 181 00:08:16,310 --> 00:08:17,880 ON THE PRODUCER'S DOORSTEP. 182 00:08:17,910 --> 00:08:19,580 - [laughs] THAT STILL CRACKS ME UP. 183 00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:21,890 THAT'S A BIG FUCKING BUMMER, CHARLIE. 184 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,320 I COULD REALLY USE AN INFLUX OF "CASHISH" RIGHT ABOUT NOW. 185 00:08:24,350 --> 00:08:26,720 THE MONEY FOR THE ASHBY BOOK ONLY WENT SO FAR. 186 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:28,760 - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. GET IN LINE, ASSHOLE. 187 00:08:28,790 --> 00:08:30,660 I WAS KINDA LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEW HANK MOODY BOOK TOO, 188 00:08:30,690 --> 00:08:31,630 YOU KNOW? 189 00:08:31,660 --> 00:08:33,800 - WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE WANTS TO RESCHEDULE? 190 00:08:33,830 --> 00:08:35,160 TELL HIM I'LL GNAW OFF HIS THIMBLE DICK 191 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,300 AND FEED IT TO MY CATS! 192 00:08:37,330 --> 00:08:40,300 AH, RUNKLE, QUIT BEATING YOUR MEAT. 193 00:08:40,340 --> 00:08:42,610 - NEVER GETS OLD, SUE. 194 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,940 HANK MOODY, MY BOSS, SUE COLLINI. 195 00:08:44,970 --> 00:08:46,910 - OH. PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU 196 00:08:46,940 --> 00:08:48,650 AT THE HARRY GREENBERG AGENCY, HANK. 197 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:51,310 - THE PLEASURE IS ALL MINE. OBVIOUSLY. 198 00:08:51,350 --> 00:08:53,650 - AH, YOUR MAN RUNKLE... 199 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,120 NOW WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT A COCK OF THE WALK, HUH... 200 00:08:56,150 --> 00:08:57,890 - REALLY? - [laughs] 201 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,620 I MEAN, THIS GUY'S A STUD. AND HIS HEAD--OH, UHH! 202 00:09:00,660 --> 00:09:02,630 IT JUST MAKES YOU WANNA GIVE IT A BIG LICK 203 00:09:02,660 --> 00:09:04,360 AND SEE WHAT COMES OUT OF IT. 204 00:09:04,390 --> 00:09:06,060 - PLEASE DON'T. - OH, WELL, OF COURSE NOT. 205 00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:10,130 IT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE. 206 00:09:10,170 --> 00:09:11,840 MEET ME FOR A DRINK LATER. 207 00:09:11,870 --> 00:09:16,170 - UH, ACTUALLY, I'M SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING WITH HANK HERE. 208 00:09:16,210 --> 00:09:19,010 - NO. I DON'T THINK WE HAVE ANY PLANS. 209 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:20,640 - YEAH, I THINK WE DO. 210 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:24,810 - NO, I'M... PRETTY SURE WE DON'T. 211 00:09:24,850 --> 00:09:27,220 - EXCELLENT. I'M ALL YOURS, SUE. 212 00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:30,950 - RIGHT. BETTER LAY DOWN THOSE CARBS, RUNKLE. 213 00:09:30,990 --> 00:09:33,190 WE'RE GOIN' DEEP. 214 00:09:33,220 --> 00:09:36,360 COLLINI...OUT. 215 00:09:36,390 --> 00:09:38,930 - WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? 216 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,730 [school bell rings] 217 00:09:42,770 --> 00:09:46,000 - HEY. IT'S RIP VAN WINKLE. - OH, HEY! 218 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:47,940 YOU KNOW, I THINK WE SHOULD GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT. 219 00:09:47,970 --> 00:09:51,140 YOU KNOW, I TOOK A NAP. I'M FRESH AS A FUCKING DAISY. 220 00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:53,310 - BECCA'S DAD, RIGHT? - YIKES. 221 00:09:53,340 --> 00:09:55,810 IT DEPENDS ON WHAT SHE'S DONE TO RAISE YOUR IRE. 222 00:09:55,850 --> 00:09:58,010 - BECCA? OH, NO, BECCA'S ADORABLE. 223 00:09:58,050 --> 00:09:59,820 IT'S HER FATHER I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH. 224 00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:01,950 - OH, WELL, TAKE A NUMBER AND GET IN LINE. 225 00:10:01,990 --> 00:10:04,650 I'LL TELL HIM YOU'RE WAITING. IF I SEE HIM, OF COURSE. 226 00:10:04,690 --> 00:10:07,120 - FELICIA KOONS. CHELSEA'S MOM? 227 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,190 - OH, BOY. 228 00:10:09,230 --> 00:10:10,930 HOWDY. HANK MOODY. 229 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,930 - YEAH. SO I GUESS I WAS WONDERING 230 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,060 WHY MY DAUGHTER CAME HOME STONED LAST NIGHT. 231 00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:16,700 - ARE YOU SURE SHE WAS STONED? 232 00:10:16,730 --> 00:10:18,870 - I KNOW A STONED TEENAGER WHEN I SEE ONE. 233 00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:20,200 I'M A COLLEGE PROFESSOR. 234 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:23,040 - SHIT. I GUESS THE JIG IS UP. 235 00:10:23,070 --> 00:10:25,410 - YOU KNOW, FAR BE IT FOR ME TO PASS JUDGMENT 236 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:27,910 ON YOUR...RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES, 237 00:10:27,940 --> 00:10:29,310 BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD MAKE YOUR DOPE 238 00:10:29,350 --> 00:10:31,350 A LITTLE LESS ACCESSIBLE? 239 00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:33,680 I MEAN, WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT? 240 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,320 DO YOU HAVE GUNS IN THE HOUSE TOO? 241 00:10:35,350 --> 00:10:37,350 - YES, I DO, BUT I KEEP 'EM IN THE FREEZER. 242 00:10:37,390 --> 00:10:40,360 RIGHT NEXT TO THE HEROIN. 243 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:41,930 YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. 244 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,390 I FUCKED UP. I-I WON'T DO IT AGAIN. 245 00:10:43,430 --> 00:10:44,390 I GET IT. 246 00:10:44,430 --> 00:10:47,030 THAT'S JUST FOR MY GLAUCOMA ANYWAY, YOU KNOW? 247 00:10:47,060 --> 00:10:48,030 - [chuckles] - FATHER. 248 00:10:48,060 --> 00:10:49,800 - HEY, SPEAK OF THE SHE-DEVILS. 249 00:10:49,830 --> 00:10:52,240 CAN I GO OVER TO CHELSEA'S? - WELL... 250 00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:54,200 THAT WOULD DEPEND ON CHELSEA 251 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,810 AND HER LOVELY, FAR-TOO-YOUNG TO BE A MOTHER HERE. 252 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:57,940 - MOM? - HMM? 253 00:10:57,970 --> 00:11:00,110 - [stammers] SURE. WHY NOT? 254 00:11:00,140 --> 00:11:02,110 PICK HER UP LATER. ACTUALLY, STAY FOR DINNER. 255 00:11:02,150 --> 00:11:03,850 WE'RE HAVING SOME PEOPLE OVER. 256 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:05,750 - NO. NO, NO, NO. I DON'T PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS. 257 00:11:05,780 --> 00:11:06,980 IT WOULDN'T TURN OUT WELL FOR ANYBODY. 258 00:11:07,020 --> 00:11:08,450 - IT'S TRUE, HE DOESN'T. - I DON'T. 259 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:11,860 - LOOK, IF WE'RE GOING TO BE BAILING THESE TWO OUT OF JAIL 260 00:11:11,890 --> 00:11:13,020 EVERY NOW AND AGAIN, 261 00:11:13,060 --> 00:11:15,790 WE MAY AS WELL GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER A LITTLE BETTER. 262 00:11:15,830 --> 00:11:18,130 SO BE THERE. KEEP THE WEED AT HOME. 263 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:21,000 - SURE THING, TEACH. 264 00:11:24,970 --> 00:11:28,270 - AND THAT BRINGS US TO THE ISSUE OF THE HOUSE. 265 00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:31,410 - I JUST WANT MY FAIR SHARE. - MM-HMM. 266 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,010 - IT'S BEEN SITTING ON THE MARKET FOR MONTHS NOW, CHARLIE. 267 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,950 IT'S NOT SELLING. 268 00:11:35,980 --> 00:11:37,310 - WELL, MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T TOO BUSY 269 00:11:37,350 --> 00:11:38,850 BRINGING EVERY UNEMPLOYED ACTOR IN L.A. 270 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,820 WITH A COUGAR FETISH BACK TO MY HOUSE, 271 00:11:40,850 --> 00:11:42,450 YOU COULD FOCUS ON GETTING IT SOLD. 272 00:11:42,490 --> 00:11:45,890 - FIRST...IT'S OUR HOUSE. 273 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,220 AND SECOND, IF YOU WEREN'T TOO BUSY 274 00:11:48,260 --> 00:11:50,830 TRYING TO SHOVE YOUR ANGRY INCH INTO EVERY DAMAGE CASE 275 00:11:50,860 --> 00:11:52,330 THAT CROSSES YOUR PATH, 276 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:54,800 WE WOULDN'T EVEN BE IN THIS MESS TO BEGIN WITH. 277 00:11:54,830 --> 00:11:56,800 CAN I GET A FUCKING AMEN? 278 00:11:56,830 --> 00:11:58,530 UNCE, UNCE! 279 00:11:58,570 --> 00:12:01,840 - LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS I CAN'T AFFORD 280 00:12:01,870 --> 00:12:03,940 TO KEEP PAYING RENT AND MORTGAGE AT THE SAME TIME. 281 00:12:03,970 --> 00:12:05,980 - HE'S HIDING MONEY SOMEWHERE. I KNOW IT! 282 00:12:06,010 --> 00:12:10,080 - THERE'S NOTHING TO HIDE! SHE SNORTED IT ALL. 283 00:12:10,110 --> 00:12:11,510 - YOU'RE WORKING AS AN AGENT AGAIN! 284 00:12:11,550 --> 00:12:13,880 - I'M WORKING ON COMMISSION! 285 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,920 - REALLY? THAT'S PATHETIC, CHARLIE. 286 00:12:16,950 --> 00:12:18,490 - AGREED. IT'S THE ONLY WAY 287 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,360 I COULD GET BACK IN THE BUSINESS, OKAY? 288 00:12:20,390 --> 00:12:21,960 IT'S NOT LIKE THE TOP FIVE 289 00:12:21,990 --> 00:12:23,930 ARE ROLLING OUT THE RED CARPET FOR ME. 290 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,930 - HMM. I WONDER WHY. OH, THAT'S RIGHT. 291 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,370 THEY'RE PROBABLY AFRAID YOU'D JERK OFF ALL OVER IT. 292 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,200 - [laughing] 293 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,400 YOU KNOW WHAT? HAVE IT YOUR WAY, OKAY? 294 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,340 I'LL JUST--I'LL MOVE BACK IN. 295 00:12:36,370 --> 00:12:38,440 - HELLS NO! - WHAT, YOU SAID SO YOURSELF. 296 00:12:38,470 --> 00:12:41,140 IT'S OUR HOUSE. MY NAME'S ON THE MORTGAGE TOO. 297 00:12:41,180 --> 00:12:42,350 YOU KNOW? 298 00:12:42,380 --> 00:12:44,810 - THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. TELL HIM, MARV! 299 00:12:44,850 --> 00:12:47,050 - WHAT CAN I SAY? 300 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,820 IT'S PERFECTLY WITHIN HIS RIGHTS. 301 00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:52,090 - OH! YES! FINALLY! 302 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,320 I WIN! EHH! 303 00:13:11,110 --> 00:13:12,480 [honking] 304 00:13:14,910 --> 00:13:16,380 [honk honk] 305 00:13:18,050 --> 00:13:20,220 - ASSHOLE. - HEY. 306 00:13:20,250 --> 00:13:21,320 I KNOW YOU'RE SAVING THE PLANET AND ALL, 307 00:13:21,350 --> 00:13:23,150 BUT IT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BE AN ASSHOLE. 308 00:13:23,190 --> 00:13:24,920 - FUCK YOU! - FUCK ME? 309 00:13:24,950 --> 00:13:26,860 - YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. FUCK YOU! 310 00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:28,990 - LIVE STRONG, ASSHOLE. - AAH! 311 00:13:29,030 --> 00:13:30,030 [tires squealing] 312 00:13:48,950 --> 00:13:50,380 - HELLOO. 313 00:13:50,410 --> 00:13:51,980 - OH! HANK MOODY. 314 00:13:52,020 --> 00:13:53,120 - HELLO. 315 00:13:54,650 --> 00:13:57,220 I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO RICHARD BATES, THE WRITER. 316 00:13:57,250 --> 00:13:58,520 - RICHARD BATES. WOW. 317 00:13:58,550 --> 00:14:00,560 - HE'S GOING TO BE TEACHING HERE THIS YEAR. 318 00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:02,630 IT'S A HUGE COUP FOR US. - BIG FAN. 319 00:14:02,660 --> 00:14:05,090 I JUST FEEL A SLIGHT MAN CRUSH COMING ON. 320 00:14:05,130 --> 00:14:06,960 - WELL, THANK YOU, AREN'T YOU KIND? 321 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,030 THIS IS MY T.A. - JILL ROBINSON. 322 00:14:09,070 --> 00:14:10,100 NICE TO MEET YA. 323 00:14:10,130 --> 00:14:11,230 - JILL, THE PLEASURE IS ALL YOURS. 324 00:14:11,270 --> 00:14:12,970 OR MINE. 325 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,440 OKAY, OURS. 326 00:14:14,470 --> 00:14:17,370 - HANK IS QUITE THE ACCOMPLISHED NOVELIST 327 00:14:17,410 --> 00:14:19,140 IN HIS OWN RIGHT. 328 00:14:19,180 --> 00:14:21,140 THAT'S RIGHT. I GOOGLED YOU. 329 00:14:21,180 --> 00:14:22,550 - MM. I FEEL PLEASANTLY VIOLATED. 330 00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:25,010 - SO YOU WERE JUST GONNA... 331 00:14:25,050 --> 00:14:26,580 SHOW ME TO THE LITTLE GIRL'S ROOM. 332 00:14:26,620 --> 00:14:28,550 - OH, SURE THING. FOLLOW ME. 333 00:14:28,580 --> 00:14:30,490 - TINKLE, TINKLE. - RIGHT THIS WAY. 334 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,320 - DRINK WITH ME. I INSIST. 335 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:35,220 - OH, NO, THANK YOU. - NO, NO, PLEASE. 336 00:14:35,260 --> 00:14:37,490 - NO, I'M FINE. - OH... 337 00:14:37,530 --> 00:14:39,130 CRACK THE SKY WAS A BIG DEAL FOR ME. 338 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,930 I FELT LIKE I WAS CLIMBING KILIMANJARO WITH YOU. 339 00:14:41,970 --> 00:14:43,470 GAVE ME A HUGE WRITING BONER. COME ON. 340 00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:45,500 PLEASE? 341 00:14:45,530 --> 00:14:47,000 PRETTY PLEASE? 342 00:14:52,180 --> 00:14:54,240 TO THE BLANK PAGE. 343 00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:59,250 - MM. 344 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,120 [grunts] 345 00:15:08,190 --> 00:15:09,730 OH! 346 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,230 - WOW. THAT WAS SOMETHING. 347 00:15:12,260 --> 00:15:14,160 - IT SURE WAS. 348 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,430 HAVEN'T TOUCHED THE STUFF 349 00:15:15,460 --> 00:15:17,730 SINCE SLICK WILLY WAS IN THE WHITE HOUSE. 350 00:15:17,770 --> 00:15:19,600 - FUCK ME. - YES. 351 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:21,240 NOW POUR ME ANOTHER. - OH, NO, NO. 352 00:15:21,270 --> 00:15:22,170 THE BAR JUST CLOSED. 353 00:15:22,210 --> 00:15:24,270 ONE WAS AN HONOR, BUT I'M CUTTING YOU OFF. 354 00:15:24,310 --> 00:15:25,710 - GIVE ME THE FUCKING BOTTLE, BUSH LEAGUE, 355 00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:27,210 BEFORE THEY COME BACK. 356 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:28,410 - MM-MM. - GIVE-- 357 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,210 - NO. NO. - GIVE ME THE BOTTLE. 358 00:15:30,250 --> 00:15:31,980 - MM-MM. NO. UH-UH. - COME HERE! 359 00:15:32,020 --> 00:15:34,750 - [hoarsely] MY BALLS. OH, SHIT. 360 00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:37,690 - THANK YOU. - DON'T SAY ANYTHING. 361 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:42,030 - [gasps] OH! OH, MY GOODNESS. 362 00:15:42,060 --> 00:15:44,060 - WHOSE PIECE OF SHIT PORSCHE IS THAT? 363 00:15:44,090 --> 00:15:46,360 - STACY, WHAT HAPPENED? - OH, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT. 364 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:49,430 SOME FUCKING ASSHOLE-- - WELL, YOU KNOW... 365 00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:50,730 IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF A CLASSIC. 366 00:15:50,770 --> 00:15:53,270 I JUST KIND OF-- - STACY, THIS IS BECCA'S FATHER. 367 00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:55,570 HANK MOODY, THE WRITER. 368 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:58,470 - STACY, I DO BELIEVE I CAN SEE THE OUTLINE OF YOUR COCK. 369 00:15:58,510 --> 00:16:00,110 IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF 370 00:16:00,140 --> 00:16:02,350 A NICE, BIG FIRE HELMET DOWN THERE. 371 00:16:02,380 --> 00:16:04,510 I'M MORE OF AN ANTEATER MYSELF. 372 00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:06,750 ENHANCES SENSITIVITY. 373 00:16:06,780 --> 00:16:09,120 SHALL WE DINE? 374 00:16:15,690 --> 00:16:17,760 - TIMES ARE TOUGH, RUNKLE. 375 00:16:17,790 --> 00:16:22,270 I NEED YOU TO SIGN MOTHERFUCKERS AND PUT THEM TO WORK. 376 00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:24,770 THAT'S WHAT I WANT. THAT'S WHAT YOU PROMISED ME. 377 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,800 - ABSOLUTELY. YOU'RE RIGHT, SUE. 378 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:27,870 YOU CAN COUNT ON ME. 379 00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:30,140 I STEPPED AWAY FROM THE GAME FOR A LITTLE WHILE, 380 00:16:30,170 --> 00:16:31,610 BUT I AM BACK NOW. 381 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,710 I'M JUST A LITTLE RUSTY. - RUSTY. 382 00:16:33,740 --> 00:16:34,640 YOU MEAN LIKE A TROMBONE? 383 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,650 HEY, ANYBODY EVER GIVE YOU ONE OF THOSE? 384 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:40,120 - I...DON'T BELIEVE SO. - TRUST ME. 385 00:16:40,150 --> 00:16:44,620 YOU'D REMEMBER. ANALINGUS...WITH A TUG JOB. 386 00:16:44,650 --> 00:16:47,120 OUGHT TO TRY IT. 387 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,560 WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE POSITION? 388 00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:51,590 - SSSEXUALLY? - YEAH. 389 00:16:51,630 --> 00:16:53,630 - I DON'T SEE HOW THAT'S AT ALL RELEVANT-- 390 00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:56,400 - YEAH. I LIKE A... STAND UP 69. 391 00:16:56,430 --> 00:16:57,670 YOU EVER TRY IT? 392 00:16:57,700 --> 00:17:00,170 - THAT SOUNDS...CHALLENGING. 393 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,270 - EXACTLY! 394 00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:04,070 WHICH IS WHY YOU END UP COMING LIKE A BABY GORILLA. 395 00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,470 [laughs] 396 00:17:05,510 --> 00:17:08,810 SO WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON INTEROFFICE ROMANCE, HUH? 397 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,810 - [laughs] I APPRECIATE THE INTEREST, SUE. 398 00:17:11,850 --> 00:17:12,880 REALLY, I DO. 399 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:16,090 BUT I AM RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A NASTY DIVORCE. 400 00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:19,520 I'M WHAT THEY CALL EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE. 401 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,260 - EMOTIONS? 402 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,830 WHO NEEDS EMOTIONS? 403 00:17:22,860 --> 00:17:24,660 I'M THINKING ABOUT YOUR TUBE STEAK. 404 00:17:24,690 --> 00:17:26,660 IS THAT UNAVAILABLE TOO? 405 00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:27,860 - AH! 406 00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:28,960 - OH HO HO! 407 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,400 OH, YOU CAN PLAY HARD TO GET ALL YOU LIKE, RUNKLE. 408 00:17:31,430 --> 00:17:33,540 WHATEVER MAKES YOU WET. 409 00:17:33,570 --> 00:17:36,670 BUT SUE COLLINI ALWAYS GETS THE WEENIE. 410 00:17:36,710 --> 00:17:39,840 ALWAYS. 411 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:41,640 BOTTOMS UP, COWBOY. 412 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,250 - RIGHT OF WAY OR NOT, 413 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,180 YOU WERE DEFINITELY HOGGING THE ROAD. 414 00:17:45,210 --> 00:17:46,550 - YOU FLICKED YOUR CIGARETTE AT ME. 415 00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:47,820 - WELL SURE. BUT YOU GAVE ME THE FINGER. 416 00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:49,220 THAT GOT MY IRISH UP. 417 00:17:49,250 --> 00:17:50,820 THAT WAS DOWNRIGHT ANTISOCIAL OF YOU. 418 00:17:50,850 --> 00:17:53,260 - YES. BUT YOU WERE HONKING YOUR HORN REPEATEDLY. 419 00:17:53,290 --> 00:17:54,660 - WHICH BRINGS US BACK FULL CIRCLE 420 00:17:54,690 --> 00:17:56,160 TO THE FACT THAT YOU WERE HOGGING THE ROAD. 421 00:17:56,190 --> 00:17:58,290 I'M JUST SAYIN'... - I HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY. 422 00:17:58,330 --> 00:17:59,900 - WHO SAYS? - STATE OF CALIFORNIA. 423 00:17:59,930 --> 00:18:01,560 - I DON'T AGREE. - HE DOESN'T AGREE. 424 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:02,500 - I DON'T AGREE. 425 00:18:02,530 --> 00:18:04,130 - CAN WE JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT, PLEASE? 426 00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:05,900 - I-I'M FINE WITH THAT. 427 00:18:05,930 --> 00:18:07,470 I MEAN, I'VE ALREADY MOVED ON. 428 00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:09,470 AND I WON'T HOLD ANY GRUDGES. I'M COOL. 429 00:18:09,510 --> 00:18:12,910 HATE THE GAME...NOT THE PLAYAH. - I'LL DRINK TO THAT. 430 00:18:12,940 --> 00:18:15,140 - UNBELIEVABLE. 431 00:18:15,180 --> 00:18:18,250 - UH...CAN WE BE EXCUSED? 432 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:19,780 - PLEASE. I INSIST. 433 00:18:19,820 --> 00:18:22,420 - HEY, LADIES, NO MARY JANE. 434 00:18:22,450 --> 00:18:23,620 I'M SERIOUS. TRY ME. 435 00:18:23,650 --> 00:18:27,190 I'M LIKE A DRUG-SNIFFING DOG WITH A HARD-ON FOR JUSTICE. 436 00:18:27,220 --> 00:18:28,790 YEAH. HEY... - FATHER. 437 00:18:28,820 --> 00:18:32,560 - NOW GET OUTTA HERE. - JESUS. 438 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,560 - OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA THROW THIS OUT TO THE TABLE. 439 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,830 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS THINKING, GAY, BI-CURIOUS, HUH? 440 00:18:36,870 --> 00:18:39,570 WHAT? 441 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,300 - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? 442 00:18:41,340 --> 00:18:43,170 - WHAT? I'M THE ASSHOLE 443 00:18:43,210 --> 00:18:44,840 JUST BECAUSE I SAY WHAT'S ON EVERYBODY'S MIND? 444 00:18:44,870 --> 00:18:47,780 - IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME. - ACTUALLY, ME NEITHER. 445 00:18:47,810 --> 00:18:50,250 - I CAN'T REALLY SAY I SEE IT MYSELF. 446 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:51,410 - OH. 447 00:18:51,450 --> 00:18:52,450 - LITTLE GIRLS... 448 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,950 IN PRETTY BOXES. 449 00:18:54,980 --> 00:18:56,590 [someone clicking tongue] 450 00:18:56,620 --> 00:18:59,460 - WELL, I'M NOT AFRAID TO PUT IT OUT THERE, YOU KNOW? 451 00:18:59,490 --> 00:19:01,690 AND IF MY DAUGHTER DECIDES SHE'S A GAY, 452 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,930 I CANNOT THINK OF A NICER GAL 453 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,700 THAT SHE CAN, YOU KNOW, INDULGE HER SAPPHIC TENDENCIES WITH. 454 00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:08,700 - THAT'S VAGUELY SWEET, I THINK. 455 00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,800 - YES. VAGUELY NAUSEATING. 456 00:19:10,830 --> 00:19:12,940 - WHERE IS THE BOOM-BOOM ROOM? 457 00:19:12,970 --> 00:19:16,570 - IT'S JUST DOWN THE HALL, RICHARD, TO YOUR LEFT. 458 00:19:16,610 --> 00:19:18,610 - [clears throat] 459 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:19,980 - GOOD SQUASH. 460 00:19:20,010 --> 00:19:21,910 - TEN YEARS SOBRIETY, DOWN THE DRAIN. 461 00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:23,680 NICE JOB. 462 00:19:23,710 --> 00:19:26,220 HOW IS HE GONNA GET UP IN FRONT OF A CLASS? 463 00:19:26,250 --> 00:19:28,650 - WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. - NO, WHAT DO THEY SAY, HANK? 464 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,350 - YOU REALLY HAVE TO WANT TO QUIT. 465 00:19:31,390 --> 00:19:32,720 YOU GOTTA... - OH... 466 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:33,960 - HIT ROCK BOTTOM. 467 00:19:33,990 --> 00:19:37,290 - CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, DEAR? 468 00:19:37,330 --> 00:19:39,460 - SURE, DARLING. 469 00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:45,700 - SO WHAT'S YOUR STORY, MORNING GLORY? 470 00:19:45,730 --> 00:19:49,340 - [chuckles] 471 00:19:49,370 --> 00:19:51,310 I'M...33. 472 00:19:51,340 --> 00:19:52,580 - PERFECT. 473 00:19:52,610 --> 00:19:54,580 - I'M GETTING MY PhD ON... 474 00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,680 - PERFECT. - ENGLISH LIT. 475 00:19:56,710 --> 00:19:57,950 I LOVE TO READ. - OH! 476 00:19:57,980 --> 00:20:00,820 - THAT'S MY DRUG OF CHOICE, THE WRITTEN WORD. 477 00:20:00,850 --> 00:20:04,350 AND, UH...I JUST ENDED A FIVE-YEAR RELATIONSHIP 478 00:20:04,390 --> 00:20:06,290 THAT YIELDED ME A BIG, FAT NOTHING-- 479 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:07,660 NOT TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE 480 00:20:07,690 --> 00:20:10,790 A COLD, HARD BUSINESS DEAL, BUT... 481 00:20:10,830 --> 00:20:12,460 WHATEVER. [clears throat] 482 00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,700 AND MY 20s WENT BY LIKE A WARM SUMMER DAY, 483 00:20:14,730 --> 00:20:18,300 AND NOW MY UTERUS IS DETERIORATING WITH EVERY BREATH. 484 00:20:18,330 --> 00:20:19,570 SO, YEAH, I-I SEE IT ALL. 485 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:23,440 YOU'RE HANDSOME AND YOU'RE FUNNY AND...REALLY, 486 00:20:23,470 --> 00:20:25,410 UNLESS YOU'RE A SERIOUS PROSPECT, 487 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,580 DO NOT SO MUCH AS SMILE AT ME. 488 00:20:27,610 --> 00:20:29,750 REALLY, TRULY. DON'T TRY TO CHARM ME. 489 00:20:29,780 --> 00:20:31,950 IT WOULD JUST BE A HEINOUS CRIME 490 00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:34,580 AGAINST THE OTHER SEX, GIVEN THIS FULL DISCLOSURE. 491 00:20:34,620 --> 00:20:36,450 [indistinct voices growing louder] 492 00:20:36,490 --> 00:20:39,590 - AND...I'M HARD. - [laughs] 493 00:20:39,620 --> 00:20:42,730 NO, PLEASE, SERIOUSLY. YOU'RE REALLY DANGEROUS. 494 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,560 PLEASE STAY AWAY. 495 00:20:44,590 --> 00:20:47,300 - UH... 496 00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:50,330 LET'S TRY AGAIN, SHALL WE? 497 00:20:50,370 --> 00:20:52,070 - THAT'S MIGHTY WHITE OF YOU, STACE. 498 00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:54,340 - STACY. - STACY. 499 00:20:54,370 --> 00:20:56,310 KOONS, RIGHT? 500 00:20:56,340 --> 00:20:57,970 - UH, THAT'S RIGHT. 501 00:20:58,010 --> 00:21:00,980 - MM. YOU'RE THE DEAN 502 00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:03,310 OF THIS FINE INSTITUTE OF FANCY BOOK LEARNING? 503 00:21:03,350 --> 00:21:05,350 - CORRECT. 504 00:21:05,380 --> 00:21:07,450 - WHICH WOULD MAKE YOU... DEAN KOONS? 505 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,350 - I'VE HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE. 506 00:21:09,390 --> 00:21:12,460 - WHO WANTS TO SEE ME TUCK AND DO THE PEE-PEE DANCE? 507 00:21:12,490 --> 00:21:13,920 - OH! - OH, MY GOD. 508 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:15,690 RICHARD! 509 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,690 - COME ON. I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE. 510 00:21:17,730 --> 00:21:18,990 - AND THEN... - WHERE ARE THE GIRLS? 511 00:21:19,030 --> 00:21:21,330 - JUST LIKE THAT... [snaps] 512 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:25,770 HE UNVEILED HIS BEAUTIFUL MAN-PUSSY. 513 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,540 HIS GLORIOUS...MANGINA. 514 00:21:29,570 --> 00:21:32,110 MM...MM... 515 00:21:32,140 --> 00:21:35,380 MEET MY PEACH, BABY. 516 00:21:35,410 --> 00:21:36,980 BLOW ON MY DICE. 517 00:21:37,010 --> 00:21:39,980 I WANNA SWING THAT SWING. 518 00:21:40,020 --> 00:21:42,350 DON'T YOU TREAT ME NICE. 519 00:21:42,390 --> 00:21:45,120 - RICHARD, LET ME-- - I'M WILD FOR YOU. 520 00:21:45,150 --> 00:21:46,760 - LET ME CALL YOU A CAB. RICHARD, LET ME-- 521 00:21:46,790 --> 00:21:50,430 - SWEET BABY, I'M A CHILD FOR YOU. 522 00:21:50,460 --> 00:21:51,560 - RICHARD, YOU KNOW WHAT, 523 00:21:51,590 --> 00:21:52,730 WHY DON'T YOU STAY IN THE GUEST ROOM? 524 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,100 - STACY. - YEAH. 525 00:21:54,130 --> 00:21:57,130 - HAVE YOU EVER SPENT TIME WITH AN 11-YEAR-OLD BOY 526 00:21:57,170 --> 00:22:00,470 AND WANTED MORE FROM HIM THAN HE WAS WILLING TO GIVE? 527 00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:02,740 HAVE YOU EVER BREATHED IN THE SCENT 528 00:22:02,770 --> 00:22:05,110 OF A WOMAN'S SWEATY, UNWASHED SEX 529 00:22:05,140 --> 00:22:07,410 AND JUST... [inhales] MM... 530 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:11,410 WANTED TO BOTTLE AND SELL IT AT MARKET? 531 00:22:11,450 --> 00:22:14,120 HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DRUNK ON COCK 532 00:22:14,150 --> 00:22:16,450 YOU HOWLED AT THE MOON 533 00:22:16,490 --> 00:22:18,690 AND BEGGED FOR A FEW INCHES MORE? 534 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,690 - LADIES? 535 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,160 DEAN KOONS? 536 00:22:22,190 --> 00:22:24,560 - ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE WILL BE ANSWERED 537 00:22:24,590 --> 00:22:28,000 [snaps] IN MY NEW NOVEL. 538 00:22:28,030 --> 00:22:29,870 HA! - LET'S GET YOU DRESSED. 539 00:22:29,900 --> 00:22:33,470 - FIRST... I WANNA GO FOR A SWIM! 540 00:22:33,500 --> 00:22:35,840 ARRGH! - OH! 541 00:22:35,870 --> 00:22:37,610 - WHOO! 542 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:38,710 [thud] [laughter] 543 00:22:38,740 --> 00:22:40,610 - LOVE THAT GUY. 544 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,150 - BIG FAN. 545 00:22:43,180 --> 00:22:45,680 - [whispers] BIG DICK. - WOW! 546 00:22:45,710 --> 00:22:49,920 - [laughing] 547 00:22:54,620 --> 00:22:57,460 - WHAT DO YOU WANT, CHARLIE? I'M WATCHING MY STORIES. 548 00:22:57,490 --> 00:23:00,460 - MARCY ELLEN RUNKLE. 549 00:23:00,500 --> 00:23:01,430 I LOVE YOU. 550 00:23:01,460 --> 00:23:04,600 - OH. GO HOME, YOU MISERABLE SACK OF SHIT. 551 00:23:04,630 --> 00:23:06,500 SLEEP IT OFF! 552 00:23:06,540 --> 00:23:08,540 - BUT THIS IS MY HOME! 553 00:23:08,570 --> 00:23:12,740 THIS! AND YOU KNOW WHY? 554 00:23:12,780 --> 00:23:15,480 BECAUSE MARCY LIVES HERE. 555 00:23:15,510 --> 00:23:17,980 SHE'S MY HOME. 556 00:23:18,010 --> 00:23:21,150 - MY TRUE WEST. - NORTH. 557 00:23:21,180 --> 00:23:23,020 - WHAT? - TRUE NORTH. 558 00:23:23,050 --> 00:23:25,150 THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY. - WHO? 559 00:23:25,190 --> 00:23:26,760 OH. 560 00:23:26,790 --> 00:23:28,460 WHAT? 561 00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:29,960 HEY... 562 00:23:29,990 --> 00:23:32,630 MARCE... [clears throat] 563 00:23:32,660 --> 00:23:34,830 LET'S GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT, HMM? 564 00:23:34,860 --> 00:23:36,730 WHAT DO YOU SAY? 565 00:23:36,770 --> 00:23:40,740 - NO? - OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH. 566 00:23:40,770 --> 00:23:42,810 CAN I USE THE BATHROOM? 567 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:45,870 [chuckles] I HAVE TO GO NUMERO DOS, 568 00:23:45,910 --> 00:23:47,140 AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNA MAKE IT 569 00:23:47,180 --> 00:23:49,480 BACK TO WESTWOOD IN TIME. 570 00:23:49,510 --> 00:23:52,820 - MAKE IT QUICK, ASSHOLE. 571 00:23:52,850 --> 00:23:55,150 - YOU SURE BECCA'S OKAY TO SPEND THE NIGHT? 572 00:23:55,180 --> 00:23:56,650 - YEAH. LET HER SLEEP. 573 00:23:56,690 --> 00:23:58,150 I'LL DROP HER OFF IN THE MORNING. 574 00:23:58,190 --> 00:24:01,620 - BUT YOU'LL, UH, YOU'LL KEEP AN EYE ON THEM? 575 00:24:01,660 --> 00:24:02,760 - OH, RIGHT. 576 00:24:02,790 --> 00:24:04,660 FOR SIGNS OF LESBIANISM. YEAH. WILL DO. 577 00:24:04,690 --> 00:24:06,830 I'LL BE VIGILANT. 578 00:24:06,860 --> 00:24:08,660 - SORRY ABOUT THE DRAMA TONIGHT. 579 00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:10,800 YOU MUST THINK I'M A WORLD-CLASS A-HOLE. 580 00:24:10,830 --> 00:24:13,800 - HMM...DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE WORLD-CLASS. 581 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,070 - YEAH, WELL, THANK YOU. WHAT ABOUT BATES? 582 00:24:16,100 --> 00:24:18,140 IS HE GONNA BE ABLE TO DO HIS THING? 583 00:24:18,170 --> 00:24:21,080 - FROM REHAB? I DOUBT IT. 584 00:24:21,110 --> 00:24:24,910 YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW OF ANY OTHER BAD-BOY NOVELISTS 585 00:24:24,950 --> 00:24:27,880 LOOKING FOR A TEACHING GIG, WOULD YOU? 586 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:29,820 - I DON'T KNOW. 587 00:24:29,850 --> 00:24:31,890 I WILL, UH, BRING IT UP AT THE NEXT UNION MEETING. 588 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:33,090 GOOD NIGHT. 589 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:34,720 - NIGHT. 590 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:36,530 [car alarm beeps] 591 00:24:37,990 --> 00:24:41,260 - WHERE YA HEADED? 592 00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:43,270 - JUST HOME TO THE CATS. 593 00:24:43,300 --> 00:24:45,870 - SOUNDS HOT. 594 00:24:47,770 --> 00:24:48,940 - HOW 'BOUT A LIBATION? 595 00:24:48,970 --> 00:24:52,310 - OH! LIKE THAT COULD POSSIBLY END WELL. 596 00:24:52,340 --> 00:24:54,610 - OH, LOOK AT YOU WITH THE FORESIGHT AND ALL. 597 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:56,950 WELL PLAYED, LADY. - THANKS. 598 00:24:56,980 --> 00:24:58,850 GOOD NIGHT, MR. MOODY. 599 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,680 'TWAS A PLEASURE MEETING YOU. 600 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:04,150 - GOOD NIGHT, PSYCHO. TAKE GOOD CARE OF THAT UTERUS. 601 00:25:18,900 --> 00:25:20,340 [loud knocking] - OH, MY GOD, CHARLIE. 602 00:25:20,370 --> 00:25:23,640 WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? - IT'S MY I-B-S! 603 00:25:23,670 --> 00:25:27,280 YOU KNOW HOW IT KICKS IN IN TIMES OF EXTREME DURESS. 604 00:25:27,310 --> 00:25:30,250 WELL, THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES! 605 00:25:33,820 --> 00:25:35,150 [hiss] AAH! 606 00:25:35,180 --> 00:25:41,060 [continues screaming] 607 00:25:41,090 --> 00:25:44,030 - ALL RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT. 608 00:25:44,060 --> 00:25:47,730 - [sobbing] - MISERABLE SLOB. 609 00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:51,300 GUEST ROOM. GO. 610 00:25:57,340 --> 00:25:59,210 - WHAT UP, LADY FAIR? 611 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,180 - HANK, IT'S LATE. 612 00:26:01,210 --> 00:26:03,750 - AND YET YOU DON'T SOUND EVEN REMOTELY SLEEPY. 613 00:26:03,780 --> 00:26:07,080 BURNING THE MIDNIGHT OIL? - SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 614 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,990 - I GET IT. BIG DATE, HUH? 615 00:26:10,020 --> 00:26:11,790 - I'M NOT SURE HOW BIG IT WAS. 616 00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:14,920 - GROSS. 617 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,190 - BAD BREATH. H-O-B. 618 00:26:17,230 --> 00:26:20,800 - H-O-B? - HAIR ON BACK. 619 00:26:20,830 --> 00:26:24,000 - OH. WELL, NOW I'M STARTING TO FEEL BETTER. 620 00:26:24,030 --> 00:26:27,000 - WHAT ABOUT YOU? - WHAT ABOUT ME? 621 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,300 - OUR MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT 622 00:26:29,340 --> 00:26:32,270 CROSSING PATHS WITH A FRIEND OF YOURS. 623 00:26:32,310 --> 00:26:34,810 - OH, SHE'S A LITTLE MEDDLER, THAT ONE. 624 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,010 - THAT SHE IS. 625 00:26:37,050 --> 00:26:40,280 - WELL, NOT TO WORRY. BAD BREATH. 626 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,120 H-O-B. - [laughs] 627 00:26:43,150 --> 00:26:45,190 - MM. I MISS YOU. 628 00:26:45,220 --> 00:26:48,160 - I MISS YOU TOO. 629 00:26:48,190 --> 00:26:51,890 - IT AIN'T THE SAME WITHOUT YOU, YOU KNOW. 630 00:26:51,930 --> 00:26:55,400 - THAT'S NICE TO HEAR. 631 00:26:55,430 --> 00:26:58,000 I THINK IT'S GOOD, THOUGH. 632 00:26:58,030 --> 00:27:01,670 - WHAT'S GOOD? - WE'RE...LIVING OUR LIVES. 633 00:27:01,700 --> 00:27:05,670 WE'RE BEING ALL NORMAL AND RESPONSIBLE AND... 634 00:27:05,710 --> 00:27:08,310 LIKE REAL, LIVE GROWNUPS. 635 00:27:08,340 --> 00:27:12,780 - WELL, YEAH, I DO FEEL VAGUELY FUNCTIONAL THESE DAYS. 636 00:27:12,820 --> 00:27:15,950 YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU MIGHT EVEN BE PROUD OF ME. 637 00:27:15,980 --> 00:27:18,190 - I'M ALWAYS PROUD OF YOU. 638 00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:21,020 EVEN WHEN I'M NOT. 639 00:27:25,130 --> 00:27:28,060 - THAT'S NICE TO HEAR. 640 00:27:28,100 --> 00:27:30,830 BUT... - BUT WHAT? 641 00:27:32,870 --> 00:27:35,070 - WHAT IF, IN THE PROCESS OF BEING... 642 00:27:35,100 --> 00:27:39,310 WELL, RESPONSIBLE AND GROWN-UP LIKE, WE... 643 00:27:39,340 --> 00:27:42,240 JUST KINDA GET OVER EACH OTHER? 644 00:27:46,450 --> 00:27:48,250 - WHAT IF... 645 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:51,390 YOU TELL ME ABOUT OUR DAUGHTER. 646 00:27:53,990 --> 00:27:56,730 - WELL...THINGS ARE CHANGING, KAREN, 647 00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,190 JUST LIKE YOU SAID THEY WOULD. 648 00:27:59,230 --> 00:28:01,100 I MEAN, FAST, YOU KNOW, BUT I'M... 649 00:28:01,130 --> 00:28:03,170 I'M HOLDING ON AS HARD AS I CAN, 650 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:05,870 AND I AM NOT GONNA LET GO. 651 00:28:05,900 --> 00:28:09,270 I MEAN, I... I WON'T FORGET YOU. 46324

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