Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi!

No, no, no, no, no.

Megan, if you don't hit the solar plexus,

you're not going to stop the heart.

But I punched your disdernum.

Wouldn't he bleed to death?

Sure, in about eight or nine minutes.

If you hit an artery.

That's sounding like such a sure thing, is it?

Sorry, daddy.

That's OK, princess.

That's good, Shelby.

Trust no one.

OK, Rodney, show your sister how it's done.

Don't tip your moves.

Remember, warfare is based on deception.

Atta boy.

Look at that guy, teaching his kids

that you can solve problems with violence.

I blame rap music.

Laugh if you will, Wanda.

But I happen to believe it's a father's job

to guide his child down a more civilized path.

I swear, sometimes I think the universe

is playing a cosmic joke sticking me and Carl together.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, I'm off to win the province of Gaskinny back

from the French.

Should I keep the boar's head warm?

Sure.

It's not like it's going to take 100 years.

Well, I'm off to moisten the dust a little big horn

with the blood of our enemies.

You stay behind and guard the corn.

Good luck, strikes like thunder.

You too, prepare us thick sauces.

Well, there's Normandy, boys.

Smoke them if you got them.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Anybody brave enough for mint jelly?

You know, I'm sure a guy like Carl

was useful in prehistoric times.

But the new millennium requires a more evolved man.

Like you?

Well, that's not what I was saying,

but I suppose if you had to name an example.

What's wrong?

The disposal's broken.

Great.

Now I have to call repairman.

That's not necessary.

I appreciate the vote of confidence, honey,

but plumbing's really not my--

Carl!

OK, Rodney, hit the juice.

It sounds better than before.

As long as I had the housing popped,

I went ahead and torqued your rotor blades.

Thank you.

FYI, Wanda, you should never put cheese in the disposal

when you're running hot water.

That would be me.

Oh, well, me.

[LAUGHTER]

I was making stuffed mushrooms.

Hey, you want to see my imitation of a zit popping?

Rodney?

No, no, no, let him go.

This is pretty funny.

Hey, this is good.

This is very, very good.

Come on, son, spew the food.

It's rude to keep people waiting.

No way, so is over.

I guess I'll have to do it myself.

You got any cottage cheese?

This gag is really designed around cottage cheese.

People who can fix things with their hands are so impressive.

Watching Carl today, I don't know.

There was something almost thrilling about the way

he handled those tools.

I wonder if he could fix our VCR.

I told you I would fix that.

I know, honey, but that was two years ago.

Oh, sorry, I guess I've had a few other little items

on my to-do list.

Make a living, raise a daughter.

Fine, forget it.

Why don't you marry your precious Carl

if you love him so much?

That's what I should have said.

I can hear you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTING]

Ratney, you haven't touched your dinner.

I'm hungry.

Well, you need to eat your greens.

Here, have some salad.

How can you call jello with mini marshmallows salad?

And this tastes like a bathroom rug.

Hey, if your mother can take the time to boil that meat,

you can take the time to eat it.

But it's bland.

So spice it up.

What's gotten into you?

You never complained about food before?

Maybe I never tasted food before.

Eat.

No.

Eat.

No!

It's not me, I'm drugs.

Just eat your cheese, single deer.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I can hear you.

See if you can hear me after you take a fly and leap.

That's what I should have said.

That would have clamped her up.

Clamped her up good.

Mr. Mack is talking to himself.

Daryl does that sometimes.

So did my grandma.

I truly believe that really old people can hear voices

from the other side.

He's not even 30.

Wanda, busy?

Could you ladies come out here, please?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GIGGLING]

That's right, Zoe.

Your favorite program is on at night.

And that can only mean--

Daryl, you fixed the VCR.

Yes, I did.

And I think we can all take away a little lesson

from this evening.

[SPLASHING]

Leave repairs to the professionals?

Stupid fuse.

[DOOR CLOSING]

They're on.

Off.

On.

Off.

[GRUNTS]

On.

Ah.

Way off.

[GUNFIRE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What could have tripped the main grid?

What's that?

It's coming from Carl's house.

Sounds like a 5,000 kilowatt hybrid diesel

electric generator.

God bless that man.

Here's the triangle, people.

Food, water, security.

That's all there is.

First food.

As of now, everybody goes on a strictly rationed diet

of meat-flavored soy product and rehydrated spinach flakes.

No worse than what we usually eat.

Don't interrupt your father while he's

laying at the post-apocalyptic order.

Second, water.

There's enough in my underground tanks

to last us three weeks.

After that, we dissolve aqua germicidal tablets

in our urine.

Thank God we got Carl.

He's worth 100 of the other kind of man.

Finally, security.

Rodney, Megan, Shelby, spread out and patrol the perimeter.

Don't forget your tasers.

Where's the bathroom?

There's two non-electric composting toilets out back,

sombrero on the gen store, decorative fan on the gals.

He thinks of everything.

I hope someone tries to shoot Carl so I can take the bullet.

Carl, isn't all this survivalist stuff a little excessive?

We prefer the term independent urban dweller, Daryl.

And if you call insuring the safety of our wives

and children excessive, but we're just

going to have to agree to disagree on that one.

Hello, Carl.

Doug.

Power out on Oak Street too?

Yep.

We heard you had food and water.

You heard right.

We'd be happy to share it with you.

Well, that's what option.

Of course, there'd be more for us if we just took it.

And I guess there's only one way to settle this.

Two men enter, one man leaves.

Two men enter, one man leaves.

Two men enter, one man leaves.

A cage match to the death?

This is crazy.

Murphy, can't you do something?

The law went out with the power McPherson.

Kill him, Carl.

Two men enter.

You ready to do this?

Almost.

Now I'm ready.

I thought we agreed no weapons.

This is about survival, Biderman.

Hate to get blood on the lawn.

Throws off the pH.

Two men enter, one man leaves.

Two men enter, one man leaves.

I've got to stop this.

Two men enter, one man leaves.

Two men enter, one man leaves.

Hey!

What's happened to us?

Are we no better than a pack of dogs fighting over a carcass?

We're civilized human beings.

We belong to the same homeowners association.

Carol, I assign your petition to put in speed bumps.

Jim, my wife buys Mary Kay from your wife.

Steve, that's my barbecue fork you've got pressed

against Mrs. Thorsten's neck.

Now please, let's stop this insanity

and act like the reasonable, good people we are.

Three men enter, one man leaves.

Three men enter, one man leaves.

Three men enter, one man leaves.

Three men enter, one man leaves.

Three men enter, one man leaves.

Three men enter, one man leaves.

Three men enter, one man leaves.

Three men enter.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Eight and a half minutes.

Our power company is really on the beam.

Oh, I can still catch the order part of law and order.

Need any help taking down the death gauge?

No, I got it.

Bowling Tuesday?

Tuesday's good.

Car was right all along.

People are animals.

Life is nothing more than a struggle for survival.

Daryl, nobody was hurt.

It's over.

Everything I was going to teach Zoe to value,

all the so-called finer things in life, all worthless.

She'd be better off learning how to throw numchucks.

You don't throw numchucks.

I thought the VCR was broken.

Oh, Carl popped over and fixed it just before he

oiled up for the death match.

I'm going for a walk.

I've got a good mind to give up living.

And go shopping instead.

To pick up me up to stone and be pronounced dead.

That's cilantro.

Hello?

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Rodney, what are you doing out here?

Trying to be like you.

Huh?

Is that stuff mushroom you made?

It was like having a piece of God in my mouth.

You liked it that much?

I've been trying to recreate it all night.

Well, let's have a taste.

Oh.

Hmm.

The Cumans fight in the garlic.

Still, this shows a lot of promise.

Wow.

That means a lot coming from you.

But why are you sneaking a route out here?

That's my dad.

He's the worst father in the world.

He is?

He starts yelling if he even suggests

something could taste better.

That sounds terrible.

You know it.

Well, I got to tell you, Rodney, if I were you,

I would resent him a lot.

Say, you know, if you're Julie and those carrots,

they'll retain more of the sauce.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CREAKING]

Darrell?

Hi, honey.

Where have you been?

Oh, you know, out and about, not doing anything really.

You seem awfully happy for someone who didn't do anything.

Do I?

Well, you going back to sleep.

Good night.

[WHISTLING]

[MUSIC - THE RONALD, "MY LIFE"]

[MUSIC - THE RONALD, "MY LIFE"]

I wanted to heads to baby.

She's fine.

It's Darrell I'm worried about.

I think he might be having an affair.

Oh, Wanda, Darrell wouldn't cheat on you.

Really?

Of course not.

He's the type who's so grateful somebody actually married him

he'd never do anything to blow it.

Hey, what are we talking about?

Wanda thinks Darrell's having an affair.

[LAUGHING]

Why is that so funny?

Well, in the first place, he'd have to seduce somebody.

He seduced me?

Oh, seduced who?

Mrs. Mack thinks Mr. Mack's fooling around.

Darrell?

Not a chance.

[LAUGHING]

For your information, my Darrell is a completely different man

when he takes off his glasses.

I wouldn't be surprised if he'd had affairs with scores of women.

In fact, I'll bet you right now he's

in some crummy motel licking dime store whiskey off

the small of a cheap horseback.

So there.

She sure loves that man.

Rodney, you can't stay in there all night.

Yes, I can.

You'll miss your dinner.

Big deal.

What is going on with you lately?

Are you gay?

Are you hopped up on goofballs?

I can't understand you if you won't talk to me, son.

I don't feel like talking.

Open this door.

No.

There's a five pound can ham on the table.

What are the rest of us going to eat?

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

That's it.

[LAUGHING]

Shoo.

So what did you bring tonight?

Keepers, Chevrol?

Something even more exciting.

It's time for the King Lois Cajun Cook La La.

Here's your host, King Lois.

[APPLAUSE]

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Who want to eat like a pig?

I don't come here to watch TV.

I came here to cook.

Patience, little man.

OK, before we send some crawfish to a fiery death,

I want to remind you about the upcoming King Lois

Little Chef's Cook-Off.

The winning on phone gets an autograph copy of King Lois

Black and Like Me, and a set of Calf and Long Saucepan.

[GOOFING]

Ah, nothing eats more evenly than nose.

Do you think I'm good enough?

I know you are.

I sent in a square of your goat cheese empanada,

and they accepted you.

Wow.

I thought the crust on that empanada was a little soggy.

I guess others disagree.

Don't get cocky.

We still got a lot of work to do.

[BELL RINGING]

Hey, this garlic press is my initials on it.

Well, I guess you better just keep it then.

Gee, Mr. McPherson, you're the greatest man I've ever known.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

You know, I was crazy to think Daryl would cheat on me.

He's much too good, and kind, and decent.

In fact, I've been taking him for granted,

rolling my eyes when he makes his little speeches.

So what if he can't fix the BCR?

There's nothing on anymore but cartoons.

[BELL RINGING]

Hello?

Oh, hi.

I was just thinking about you.

Yeah, we made some magic last night, didn't we?

And I'm glad you like the present.

Of course I'll see you tonight.

I don't worry.

I'll feed the wife some excuse.

OK, bye.

So--

Wanda!

Who is she, Daryl?

Rodney?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

He's got this gift that would have gone completely unnoticed

if I hadn't come along.

I'm like a father to the boy.

But he already has a father.

Well, Carl can't give him what I can.

All that survival of the fittest crap

is crushing his gentle spirit.

Rodney?

Yes, Rodney.

Working with him has restored my faith

that man was put on this earth for a higher purpose.

Rodney?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. L--

For me as well, Rodney.

I see you brought your own garlic press.

Can't get anything by you.

See, you do a lot of Creole cooking in New Orleans

has that by you.

I got it.

Rodney, I'd like you to meet your competition.

This is Gunther Beckenbauer.

He's come all the way from Berlin.

East Berlin.

Rodney Birnman.

He's the best man win.

Who thought you'd win?

American catsup and aerosol cheese?

I will bury you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

Huh?

McPherson.

Very well.

Gunther's victory is a hot appetizer competition.

Puts him in the lead.

But Rodney can still catch up if he wins the final event.

Don't go nowhere, huh?

[LAUGHTER]

The swill you call bisque was not

much for my harvest squash puree.

Oh, I don't think I can do this.

Sure you can.

Just remember what I taught you.

Hello, Rodney.

You want to talk now or should I

wait until you finish putting on your makeup?

Look, Carl, I can explain.

You've caused enough trouble, Darryl.

Let's go, son.

Yes, sir.

Why so sad, American boy?

Your father is doing you a favor.

What's that supposed to mean?

That the fry chef you call a son

has no chance against my superior culinary arsenal.

Come on, Rodney.

Is that what the bittermans do?

Walk away from a fight?

Now, hold on, Darryl.

In World War II, my grandfather was on the front lines.

So was mine, Carl.

10 seconds.

What's it going to be?

Fight on or wave the white flag?

Put your puffy hat on, son.

Do you really think I can do it, dad?

If your great-grandfather could do it

on the beaches of Normandy, you can do it on the sound

stages of the Cajun Food Channel.

Woo-hoo!

[APPLAUSE]

His time was a final competition.

Our little chefs will each take our bite as a mystery dish,

then go to their kitchens and recreate it.

While they're putting on the blindfolds,

we're going to let you in on the secret.

[DING]

[CHEERS]

[LAUGHS]

Ah.

OK, two men's they enter.

One man's she-lee.

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Where'd he learn to do that?

[DING]

[GRUNTS]

No, not the lemon juice.

Why not?

You never add lemon to a cream sauce.

It's one of the first things I taught him.

[GASPS]

[GRUNTS]

[CHEERING]

It's the time she is up.

Now for their final reckoning.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

The winner of "Kingly Wiles Little Chefs Cookall"

feels, Ron N. Biddleman.

[CHEERING]

All right.

Give me those saucepins.

Hey, that's my boy.

Bah.

Sorry, mon enfant.

Too lemony.

But he put in far more lemons than I.

Oh, look at that.

I must have forgot to take off the plastic seal.

You deceived me.

Someone once taught me all warfare is based on deception.

Now you just run along home and tell your chancellor

not to get any big ideas.

Yes, sir.

To my son, to my student.

To the two greatest men I know.

[GASPS]

Know what kept us going out there, Mac?

The thought of your wives and kids back home?

Nope.

Your mac and rune tartlets.

Eat them if you got them, boys.

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS]

[LAUGHING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(upbeat music)