Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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[LAUGHTER]

Excuse me, everyone.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Before we dig into this delicious cake,

I'd like to say a few words, if I may.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Webster defines wife as the female partner in

marriage.

Well, that--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Rodney, that hardly does justice to my Wanda.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Rodney!

[LAUGHTER]

Let's not be too hard on our old friend, Wester.

Hey, something dirty, a chin or 30.

You're being rude to Mr. McPherson.

But he's boring.

So you're going to slow him down?

Um, because I doubt Shakespeare himself.

The sooner you stop interrupting, the sooner he'll

and we can all have some cake.

Could--

Gee, I guess you're right.

Gee, I guess I am.

Could find the words to capture my Wanda,

and so forth, happy birthday.

Let's see.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

I am going to kill you.

Mrs. Mc, I am so sorry I'm late.

Here you are another year closer to death,

and I don't even have a present.

It's OK, Bizzy.

I was having another fight with my mom's stupid

boyfriend.

Guy's a loser with a capital "Loo."

Sounds like a jerk.

He's totally jerkified.

Hello.

[SQUEAKING]

Wanda, do you think it's a good idea

to automatically take Bizzy's side?

Darryl, I'm proud that she confides in me.

Yeah, but we don't even know her mom's boyfriend.

[SIGHS]

You're just jealous because you've lost your rapport

with teenage girls.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So your name's Michelle, huh?

Are you the Michelle the Beatles thing about?

[LAUGHS]

[CLICKS]

[DOOR OPENS]

I've got as much as I ever had.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNORING]

[SQUEAKING]

[SQUEAKING]

[SQUEAKING]

Oh, the e volume of your encyclopedia.

I love things that start with "e."

Thank you, Megan.

I had to take it back after the party.

Well, I guess it's time to give you my present.

Sorry, it's so small.

[LAUGHS]

A key?

To what?

Maybe everyone should just follow me.

[LAUGHS]

What is it?

The answer to your prayers.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, Wanda, Darryl got you a beige minivan.

Now, that's what I call a sharp ride.

And the bulky ergonomic egg shape is a real gas saver.

A minivan?

A minivan.

I know it seems awfully generous,

but I wanted to show exactly how I felt about you.

So what do you think?

[LAUGHS]

[SQUEAKING]

[SQUEAKING]

[SQUEAKING]

[WHISTLES]

Glad I ain't you.

I'm home if she wants a parka set.

I thought you'd like a minivan.

What?

Were they out of wood-paneled station wagons?

I would think how useful it'll be in the next few

years,

what with bake, sale, school functions, soccer mom

stuff.

[RATTLING]

Tell me you didn't just say soccer mom.

Huh?

I don't know what you're trying to do to me.

Why don't you just tie me to the couch

and force me to watch the recipe network?

Wanda, I don't understand you.

Oh, there's a bulletin.

[BELL RINGING]

[BELL RINGING]

Busy?

I need to talk to Mrs. Mack.

Is there something I can do?

You can get Mrs. Mack!

Busy?

[LAUGHS]

I had another fight with my mom's stupid boyfriend.

I hear you, Biff.

I hear you.

He's such a jerk.

I know just what it's like to have some man think

he knows what's best for you.

He really has no idea.

Exactly.

So exactly.

[LAUGHS]

[BELL RINGING]

[THUD]

[THUD]

[GIGGLES]

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

[THUD]

[GIGGLES]

[THUD]

[THUD]

OK, if I crash with you, you're the only woman around

who won't kill me in my sleep.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I knew men would be phased out once non-sexual

reproduction

was perfected, but I thought it would take centuries,

not a few days.

I'm surprised how little we miss them.

Miss who?

[LAUGHS]

Who wants juice?

Oh, I got a new photo.

Yes.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Water break, boss?

Night yet, boy.

[BELL RINGING]

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

Guess you're hungry, huh?

Morning, Mr. Mac.

Yeah?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I spoke to her mom, and she said it was fine

if busy stayed here until things cooled off at home.

Wanda, this is crazy.

Since when are we running a halfway house for

troubled youth?

Oh, I thought I smelled pancakes.

Morning.

Hi.

Hey, I'm going to go sneak some stuff out of my house

while my mom's stupid boyfriend is still asleep.

Good luck avoiding the jerk.

Thanks.

Bye, Mr. Mac.

Sorry I saw your package.

Oh, Daryl, could you take care of Zoe tonight?

Busy and I are going out.

I thought we were going to watch bloopers and roll

I know, but Busy really needs a friend right now.

I'll be her friend.

I hope I have the same relationship with Zoe

when she's a teenager.

I think Zoe might prefer you acted your age.

Oh, stop it, Daryl.

You're such an old man.

Busy and I are going out tonight, and we're taking

your car.

[SIGHS]

Sorry about your life, boy.

And then she has the nerve to call me an old man.

I'm not even 30.

I don't think she was referring to your numerical age

so much as the way you make your feel.

Now, what's that supposed to mean?

You're no longer excited.

You're setting your ways predictable.

I'm not the least bit predictable.

Oh, that's mature.

OK, that's it.

Ow.

Should have gone with my first instinct.

Look, I don't care what you or Wanda or anybody else

says.

I happen to believe that once you have a child,

you have to stop acting like a child.

And I don't think that makes me an old man.

I think that makes me a man.

There.

I don't think that's on your little pad.

Check your email.

OK, I'm impressed.

Busy, I know you're going through a lot of heavy

stuff right now,

so if you want to talk, I'm here for you.

Mrs. Mack, don't call all very specials saved by the

bell on me.

Oh, hey, I got you a birthday present.

What is it?

A friendship bracelet.

See, I don't think of you as a mom.

I think of you the same way I think of my friends.

Hey, scum buckets, get your narrow asses in the

vehicle.

Uh, Busy, who are these people?

This is Berkeley.

What's up?

And that's Amber and Sue.

Hi, girls.

I'm a dude, lady.

It's S-I-O-U-X. His parents are hippies.

So, like, who invited Florence Henderson?

Shut it, whore, she's with me.

Slut.

Skag.

Skag.

Skis.

So, like, Devin rode his motorcycle into a mailbox,

and now he's, like, completely brain dead.

So?

So his party's off, duh.

Bummer.

We're here.

Oh, team night. That looks fun.

Yeah, I bet they got pizza pie and soda pop.

Uh, Mrs. Mack, we're going there.

But water pelusa is closed.

Thank you, Professor Obvious.

Hey, I thought I told you to dumpster the Hainosity.

Dad, what is it with you and Aldi McDustie bones?

She's my friend. You got it?

My friend.

You coming, Mrs. Mack?

I'm coming.

Oh, great. The dolphin tank is locked.

Harsh.

Total.

So you want to chuck corn dogs at the Sea Life mural?

Males spelled backwards is a lame.

Wait a minute.

What are those?

Portable breast pumps.

[music playing]

Come on in.

All right, all right.

Disuptionator.

All right, all right, all right.

Mrs. Mack.

Oh, my God, I am dying.

Like, so dying.

I am dead.

Busy. I don't think I should be here.

Why not?

Everyone likes you since you helped us break and

enter.

But I'm somebody's mother.

See, that's your problem, Mrs. Mack.

You let other people define who you are.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

Well, if you say so.

Come on.

Yeah!

[laughing]

[singing]

We call her wonder, wonder, faster than lightning.

No one you see is smarter than she.

That was totally aquatic.

Hey, where's Mrs. Mack?

Maybe she drowned.

We better get our story straight.

[gasping]

Look what I found.

Whoa!

Satacious.

Well on, Mrs. Mack.

Call me wonder.

Okay, wonder.

Let's go, Sue.

Okay, Dad.

Boy named Sue.

What did I do?

How did Mr. Mack sound on the phone?

He was pretty upset.

I'm sorry I got you into all this.

Oh, no.

Tonight was fantastic.

I loved every minute of it.

Except, you know, when the whale ate all those

dolphins.

No good church punks.

Which one of these is yours?

Those two.

Both of them?

That one's my wife.

That one's crashing at my house.

No wonder they don't know right from wrong.

I have to come out here in the middle of the night.

Wake up Carl to watch Zoe.

We said we were sorry.

I'm very disappointed in both of you.

Don't talk to us like we're children.

Well, you're certainly acting like children.

God, Mr. Mack, you sound just like my mom's stupid

boyfriend.

Hey, I want peep out of you, young lady.

Peep?

(Laughing)

Hi Carl, thanks for watching Zoe.

No problem, Daryl.

They're home.

You may want to flip that cushion.

Shelby had a big gulp for dinner.

Why did you bring your kids over?

I wanted to teach them a lesson.

Rodney, Megan, Shelby, take a good look at this

picture.

What do you see?

I've seen something.

What else?

Lack of a strong male figure.

Exactly.

Now do you see why I'm strict with you?

Wow, it's all starting to make sense.

Thank you, Daddy.

You're welcome, Princess.

Maybe you should be a little tougher on us.

Now you let me worry about that.

Now let's go home.

Yes, sir!

Thanks for helping me scare them straight, Chief.

So then I got to call in the middle of the night that

and I got to come bail her out.

Babes behind bars, me likey.

You know, Wanda's always had a wild side.

If she keeps hanging out with our teenage babysitter,

that spark could become a raging inferno.

Ah, women need women friends.

Take my wife.

We used to fight all that time.

Then she started hanging out with this nice gal down

the street.

Got her into weightlifting, ladies' professional golf,

home repair.

Now I get my Saturday nights to myself while they

lock the door

and play board games in the basement.

Yep, we got a perfect marriage, all thanks to her

special friend.

So, going out tonight?

Mm-hmm.

Wanda, I think we need to have a talk.

I know what you're going to say, Darryl, and you're

absolutely right.

I am?

I haven't been acting my age lately.

I'm a wife and a mother, and what I did last night

was wrong.

I'm sorry.

Well, this is a welcome improvement.

Hey guys, I'm off to the library.

I want to get a jump on next week's homework.

Looks like I'm not the only one benefiting from your

guidance.

Just pointing you ladies in a direction you would

have found eventually.

Well, Zoe and I are off to Melinda's.

She's hosting a quilting bee.

Oh, don't be late.

[laughing]

Carl was wrong.

There is a strong male figure in this house.

Zoe is a very lucky little girl.

Grandpa by it?

Oh, yeah.

I guess even angels can learn a lesson.

Don't tell me this show doesn't have edge.

Hey there, little man. Could you go get my wife?

Your wife?

Yeah, she's taking part in the quilting bee.

What in Balzac's name are you talking about?

Ratney, stop talking to Mr. Rick Fierce about where

his wife may or may not be.

Why, he's got this cockamamie notion that--

Hey, you know that pie I said you couldn't have any

of?

You can have some if you go eat it right now.

Okay.

Now, what can I do for you?

I need to ask Wanda where she keeps the dust buster.

I had a little accident cleaning out the hole puncher.

Oh, she's busy.

Quilting?

Yeah, that.

So, you go ahead home and I'll tell her to call you.

But it may take a while because our phone is broken.

I'll get it.

Oops, guess somebody fixed it.

No?

Oh, now I remember.

Yes, sir.

She's actually in the bathroom.

Done and done.

Think of beauty, Mal, you should have been there.

Mommy, that was Mrs. McPherson.

She wanted to know how the big cover up was going.

Melinda, what's going on?

Oh, Wanda went out with busy and her friends.

What?

She asked me to lie for her.

I knew I'd get yelled at.

She's got Zoe with her.

I gotta go find him.

Poor SOB.

So where are we going?

It's a surprise, but I know you're gonna love it.

Yeah, this place is so Wanda.

It's Wanda World.

You're a very lucky little girl.

Name me another mom who's so cool that teenagers like

to hang out with her.

You can't.

There isn't one.

Showtime!

Ooh, this is spooky.

Are we gonna sit in a circle and summon spirits?

Hardly.

Witchcraft is so two years ago.

What's this for?

Digging.

Digging what?

Dead people.

Duh.

We're in a cemetery.

Why would you dig up dead people?

For their skulls?

To decorate our lockers.

That's horrible.

Because of the maggots and stuff?

Because it's wrong.

Relax.

I heard there are Pell and Easing people that build

their houses out of bones.

Or some, I think.

You didn't mind trespassing last night, Miss Law abiding

McLawsteen.

This isn't wrong because it's against the law.

It's wrong because humans don't dig up other humans.

You're putting it down without even giving it a

chance.

Yeah, and everything's subjective. Who are you to

dictate moral absolutes?

Like, whoa.

Deep.

I'm someone who is a lot older than you and has a

much better idea of what is and isn't proper behavior.

You sound exactly like my mom's stupid boyfriend.

Don't you take that tone with me.

Wanda.

It's Mrs. Mack to you, young lady, and there will be

no grave robbing tonight.

Come on, babe.

I want to get some knuckle bones for my key chain.

Wanda?

Daryl.

What's going on here?

They're about to do unspeakable things and they won't

listen to me.

Maybe they'll listen to me.

What's he doing here?

When I couldn't find you, I went by Busy's house and

he asked me to come.

He was at Busy's house? Him? Drew Carey?

Busy, are you all right?

Wow, you know Drew Carey?

I know him all right. He's my mom's stupid boyfriend.

Your mother and I were very worried about you.

Why can't you just leave me alone, Drew?

Because I care about you and I don't want you to make

bad choices.

And from the look of those shovels, you were about to

make a very bad one indeed.

Hey, what are you meddling kids doing?

Soinks, like it's the creepy caretaker.

Looks like our little talk will have to wait.

Everyone in the van.

Seat belts.

After them.

Wow, I didn't know this thing had so much pickup.

That's the V6 engine. We've got company. Hang on.

Daryl, all this bumping around is upsetting Zoe.

I'll fix that.

It's like floating on a cloud.

All part of the luxury package. And check this out.

What did you just... ooh.

Seat warmer.

No, I'm not.

No, I've got you.

Like yikes. They're gating on us.

Drew, we're going to hit that gate.

Not if my calculations are correct.

Curse you, Drew, Carrie.

Good thing a Freemason was buried near that gate.

Wow, Drew. Like, how'd you know we'd make it?

I remembered my high school geometry.

Sure, sometimes it was tough hitting the books while

my friends were out having fun,

but today I have my own hit TV show. And what do they

have? Nothing.

Gee, Drew, maybe I have been going down the wrong

path.

Glad to hear you say that, Bizzy.

Remember, without education and values, even a pretty

girl can be pretty boring.

This whole thing was my fault. All because I wanted

to be a cool mom.

Well, Wanda, no one can blame me for wanting to get

down.

But sometimes it's more important to sit down with

your child and set limits.

That's what I try to tell her.

No, no, hold on, Darryl. This all started because you

forgot Wanda was more than just a mom.

Remember, to be a mother, a woman has to be a lover

first.

- Oh, yeah. - That's right.

Drew, how did you become so wise?

Well, most TV episodes wrap up with a valuable lesson.

I guess I've been paying attention.

Drew, do you think it'd be okay if I moved back in?

Bizzy, I think that would be great.

Mr. Carey, could I ask you a question?

- Always happy to help the kids. - Like, why is the

sky?

Uh, you mean why is it blue?

No, like, why is it?

Well, that really doesn't make any sense.

- You're supposed to be the answer, man. - What's a

stupid question?

- I bet Fraser would know. - Darryl, you want to take

the wheel?

I'm just gonna hop out of that strip truck.

[laughing]

[laughing]

Sorry.

[laughing]

[laughing]

(roar)

(upbeat music)