Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHING]

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

Good morning, Carla.

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPING]

Oh my god.

That's dear.

Did you see that?

I didn't believe it.

Give me that chair.

It's mine.

I was here first.

I need the lumbar support.

Jack, Bob, what are you doing?

Ah, Darrell.

You're supposed to be dead.

Dead?

Kenny announced at the morning meeting.

We observed 45 seconds of silence.

It would have been a minute, but the coffee cart came.

Hey, Captain.

Kenny, did you tell everyone I was dead?

Did I say Darrell?

I meant Larry.

Larry?

He's got a shoe buffer.

How could you make a mistake like that?

I must have been thinking about the Beverly Hill

Billys I watched this morning.

It's the one where Jethro wants to be an astronaut.

Wait a minute.

Larry's dead?

Yeah.

So anyway, Jethro wants to be an astronaut.

How did it happen?

He read in a comic book that outer space is full of

moon

maidens.

Larry?

No, Jethro.

Focus, Captain.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

His heart just went, and he was 29.

He was our age.

Wow.

Darrell, if I died, would you remarry?

[BELL RINGING]

No, you're the one.

Ah.

Anyway, now that we have Zoe, I'm

thinking maybe we should get more life insurance.

Oh, Darrell, I don't even like talking about this.

It's just a precaution.

No one's going to die.

Dog, garnet!

Ah, stupid.

You're thinking too much, son.

Just let it happen.

Steady, time it to your pulse.

Wait for your mother to pass.

Carl, what the hell are you doing?

Oh, hey, Darrell.

Just getting ready for our camping trip next week.

You're letting Rodney play with a crossbow?

Oh, he's not playing.

He's practicing.

But that's so dangerous.

You got it backwards.

What's dangerous is not practicing.

Yeah, well, I believe this is yours.

Kids, what did Mr. McPherson just do wrong?

Handed the arrow point first.

That's right.

Safety first, not chief.

Shelby, heads up.

Hey, that's fine, son.

Shelby's the only real shot out of the three,

but you don't want the others to get discouraged.

My only concern is that my wife and daughter are

provided for

should anything happen to me.

God forbid.

God forbid.

Well, it sounds like you're describing our platinum

policy.

In the event of your passing, God forbid.

God forbid.

Your wife would be extremely well taken care of.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ah, Pierre, help me forget.

What else you got?

I think you'll find our bronze policy will more than

adequately cover your basic needs.

Now, who will take care of your child should you both

pass away?

Both of us.

God forbid.

God forbid.

But I'm not going to die.

He is.

Nevertheless, I need to designate a guardian.

Wow.

Who would take care of Zoe if we weren't around?

We've never even thought about it.

Well, I guess the logical choice would be my parents.

Your parents?

They've had experience raising girls.

Yeah, and look how your sister turned out.

Oh, and your parents could do better?

They're very loving.

Try smothering.

We'll get back to you.

How about my cousin Earl and his wife?

They're nice, and they like to travel.

Avoiding a subpoena is not liking to travel.

How about my Aunt Mary?

The one who constantly repeats old Saturday night

live catchphrases?

That doesn't make her a bad person.

Hey, Darrell, you one wild and crazy guy.

OK, forget it.

You look marvelous.

I'm Paris.

Shut up.

OK, how about my uncle?

Nope.

I didn't say which one.

Don't matter.

Don't like any of them.

Fine.

You hate everyone in my family except me.

Don't flatter yourself.

I'm sorry.

Me too.

Hey, you know, maybe we should look outside our

families.

Why don't we each pick two couples, invite them over,

and check them out?

Like an audition?

We'll call it a cocktail party.

I know who I'm going to invite.

I know who I'm going to invite.

But it's not as if this is a competition.

Of course not.

Our only concern is Zoe's welfare.

Right.

You're the best man, Lynn.

She will.

Now, Rodney, I don't want you touching

any of this equipment.

OK.

What did I just tell you?

I'm not touching it.

Ask Megan.

He's not touching it.

Don't push me, Rodney.

What am I doing wrong?

Well, you know exactly what you're doing wrong.

You said don't touch it, and I'm not touching it.

You are sailing for a whaling.

I want to have a baby.

Hi, Melinda.

We're having some people over tonight.

Would you mind babysitting?

I was sure we love Sally.

Can I have a tea party?

That sounds nice.

Daddy, will you come to my tea party?

No.

I want you to.

I'm not going to a tea party.

I said come.

Megan, I have to get this equipment and--

No!

[LAUGHTER]

What did I tell you about touching this stuff?

I didn't touch it.

Just stick it.

I am going to get my hunting knife,

and then I am going to skin you alive.

Sure you are.

I will.

Short stop.

Oh, don't think I won't.

I'll get it for you.

Don't touch that knife.

I'm not touching it, Megan.

He's not touching it.

Oh, that's it.

[SIGH]

Poor Carl.

Right now he knows his dad will always

love him one notch more than he wants to kill him.

Here we go.

I'm so excited.

Me too.

Tonight we decide who would take care

of our precious baby daughter.

Now remember, we promise to keep open minds

about each other's candidates.

Absolutely.

Even then, Captain.

[THUD]

You're kidding.

Hey, he's my best friend at the office.

He has a good job, and he's a father.

He's Kenny.

Wanda, open minds?

[SIGH]

You're right.

Hey, McParents.

Hey.

You're kidding.

Imagine if you fit a child creatine right out of the

womb.

You could race a super athlete without black market

steroids.

Yes.

And I said, never mind the bulls,

I'm more afraid of being trampled by the good people

of Pamplona.

[LAUGHTER]

Isn't that just crazy?

I can't top that story, so I'll just change the

subject.

Have you two ever thought about having kids?

Oh, we definitely want a family.

Really?

We believe there are four keys to raising

a happy, healthy child--

love, encouragement, a little discipline,

and unleashing the personal power within.

Oh, are you guys into that whole Tony Robbins thing?

What?

No.

Tony Robbins is a nut.

[LAUGHTER]

We're moonies.

Let me freshen these.

Can I even have a cookie?

Not until Zoe finishes her tea.

How do we know?

It's pretend tea.

Father, you're making a scene.

Let me tell you, if this little lady ever got knocked

up,

I would be there for her.

Right, where would we live?

I got a place.

Our baby is not sleeping in a car.

I'll get the heater fixed.

We'd have to move in with your parents.

Hey, not until my dad apologizes for interrupting

us on the couch.

We never made out on your coach.

Oops.

You cheating sack of--

Ow.

You're going to be locked in an extra mouth when I--

I guess they are a little young.

Don't feel bad.

My cop choice threw up in the fireplace.

I'll go get Zoe.

Hi, Melinda.

Is Zoe--

Shh.

I guess they tired each other out.

I'd be asleep too, but these filterless give me the

shakes.

Look at those two.

Yeah, promise me you'll never move away.

Rotney and Zoe are so crazy about each other,

they'd be heartbroken.

Melinda, can I talk to you about something?

What, I got gum in my hair again?

This may sound odd, but if something happened to me

and Darryl, would you and Carl be willing to take

care of Zoe?

Really?

Really.

Oh, wonder, of course.

This is so exciting.

We're like sisters now.

I feel the same way.

And Darryl and Carl are like brothers.

Well, um, that's the tricky part.

You see, I haven't run this idea by Darryl yet,

and he and Carl are very different.

They just need to get to know each other better.

Hey, why don't you come with us on our camping trip?

Oh, we wouldn't want to impose.

What impose with family now?

Oh, wonder, it's such a good feeling

knowing you think so highly of me.

But you know what feels even better?

What's that?

Knowing that my kids will have a good home

if something happens to me and Carl.

You got a problem with that, Mom?

Mom?

[music playing]

So Darryl and I would be guardians for your kids?

I assume this worked both ways.

Don't they already have guardians?

We couldn't get anybody till now.

It's not a problem, is it?

No.

Why'd you hesitate?

Choked up with emotion.

Well, I guess I'll go tell Darryl we're going camping.

When are you going to tell me he's rotten, he's Godfather?

[music playing]

Darryl, I have something to tell you.

Let's take this one step at a time.

Remember to take the paper in.

Leave different whites on each night

so burglars will think someone is home.

Clever.

Water all the plants except the cactus.

And if you hear I've killed myself, would you return

my videos?

Darryl!

[music playing]

Hi.

I know it's time to get done everybody's nerves.

Everybody's nerves.

Everybody's nerves.

I know it's time to get done everybody's nerves.

And this is how it goes.

I know it's time to get done everybody's nerves.

It's a big mistake, Wanda.

I'll try to have a good attitude.

I'm sorry, but I just don't think Carl would be the

right kind of father for Zoe.

I mean, is he really going to know what to do when it's

time for her to pick a college?

I don't know about this, Mel.

They're very nice people.

Well, is Darryl really going to know what to do when

it's time for Rodney to pick a militia group?

[mimics gunfire]

Look at that kid.

I wonder what poor suckers are stuck with the Bitterman

kids of Carl and Melinda kick.

[laughs]

Look, if we make a good impression on this trip,

there'll be someone to raise our kids if we take the

big dirt nap.

It's a three-for-one deal, Carl, and you're not going

to blow it for me.

You'll feel differently once you get to know him

better.

Fat chance.

Maybe you're right.

You'll feel differently once you get to know him

better.

Fat chance. Fat chance.

Hey, Dad, you want to see a magic trick?

Do I look like I want to see a magic trick?

You see this time, I'm going to make it disappear.

Okay, close your eyes.

Close my eyes?

Yeah.

It's not a magic trick if I close my eyes.

Come on!

No!

Just close your eyes, Carl.

Okay, fine.

What is that idiot doing?

[music]

[laughs]

Thank you, little friends.

Ever see a tent put up before, little man?

Tent's done.

[sighs]

You know what is kind of nice to get back to nature?

See?

I'm starving, Carl.

What do we bring for dinner?

[laughs]

We don't bring dinner, Darrell.

We shoot dinner.

[laughs]

No, really.

Really.

Whenever we go camping, Carl catches all the food.

I like to keep connected to my basic male essence.

Hey, I know.

Why doesn't Darrell go with Carl?

Ah.

Oh.

That's a great idea.

It's kind of rough out there.

I'm sure you two are dying to have some guide time

away from us women.

I like women.

Let's go.

You watch, those two are going to come back best

friends.

You think so?

I don't know, I just had three wine coolers.

[birds chirping]

So, uh, you hunt much?

Nah, I can't see myself ever killing anything.

We don't kill the animals, Darrell.

We honor them by giving them a place in the great

circle of life.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I saw the Lion King.

So, uh, those boys of yours are quite a handful?

Oh, yeah.

But as Hemingway said, you gotta do four things to be

a man.

Father a son, fight a bull, plant a tree, and, uh...

Get drunk and blow your head off?

Uh, Carl, it's starting to get dark.

Yeah, but look at that.

Hey, Buttercups, Wanda loves those.

Next to the pretty flowers.

It's a fresh deer print.

How can you tell?

The edges are moist.

And unless I miss my guess...

I think I'll pick some of these and take them home to

Wanda.

Yeah, you do that.

You know, they say if you hold this flower under

someone's chin

and it turns yellow, it means they like butter.

What flower makes you stop talking?

Oh, there!

You want Birgit's attack, huh?

Whichever one you feel like, honoree.

Anything's fine.

You sure you didn't want me to go with them?

More chance to bond?

Ugh.

If you hadn't invited them, I'd be drinking a cold

one

and you'd be pulling the organs out of a deer.

Our entire evening's ruined.

Well, this looks like a shortcut.

It's science's government property.

I'm a taxpayer.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

You'll never get it started that way.

Is that so?

You need an accelerant.

What's that?

Nice shades.

[LAUGHTER]

Wow, you don't even look mad.

He burned off my eyebrows.

[GIGGLES]

Carl!

Well, I'll be.

What is it?

It's an old NORAD missile silo.

They decommission these to pay for the Star Wars

satellites.

I thought they didn't build those.

Don't kid yourself.

You're watching us now.

Deepers.

This was once the home of a Titan II nuclear missile,

a Cold War classic.

Wow, it must have been big.

Oh, yeah.

That mother could hug the ground at 100 feet

from here to Stalingrad.

Ooh.

20 megaton warhead, 17,000 pounds of thrust.

Take me a rocket, man.

Oh, baby.

[GASPS]

Self-destruct, armed.

T minus 60 minutes.

Uh-oh.

What's going on?

In case of a hostile attack, this thing's designed

to go up in a giant fireball.

My bad.

Where are we going?

We just got a little concerned

that your parents are taking so long.

Maybe they got eaten by monsters.

[SCREAMS]

Rodney, don't frighten your sister.

I'm sure they just at the nearest airport

buying two tickets to Mexico.

Darryl!

Hey.

These tracks are fresh.

You can tell because the edges are moist.

Where'd you learn that?

Picked it up.

Self-destruct in T minus one minute and counting.

Carl, I'm scared.

Hey, let's see if you like butter.

What are you doing?

Huh?

[LAUGHS]

Hey, that tickles.

Oh, someone likes butter.

Where'd you learn that?

I picked it up.

Hello?

Hello?

Wanda?

Darryl?

What are you doing down there?

We were exploring.

We got trapped.

The whole silos rigged to self-destruct.

You got dinner!

Self-destruct in 30 seconds.

29, 28, 27--

It won't budge!

Ron, save yourself!

We have to do something.

What can we do?

This place was designed.

It was standing nuclear assault.

21, 20--

Darryl, there's something I haven't told you.

If Carl and Melinda die, I promise that we'd take

their kids.

What?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on!

Three, two, one.

Cool.

For a few more seconds, we would have known how this

chicken felt

when they shoved it screaming into the deep fryer.

[LAUGHS]

During that countdown, all I could think was that we'd

never see the kids again.

Yeah, me too.

I got a hand it to you, Darryl.

You showed me something back there.

How'd you do it?

Oh, uh--

He just thought about what it would mean if you two

were out of our lives.

Aw, that's nice.

It's just sweet, isn't it sweet?

Don't you two go dying on us.

Well, Darryl, you proved yourself to be every inch a

man, and I want to honor you.

Honor me, honor me, or kill me, honor me.

We would like you to be the guardians of our children.

Thanks, Carl.

And if something happened to me in Wanda, we'd like

you to take care of Zoe.

Really?

We couldn't think of anybody better.

And that's the truth.

To the next generation.

The next generation.

Roddy, stop poking me.

Fast asleep.

Can't control, boss.

Can't control, party.

Ah!

Rodney!

Ah.

Quit poking your sister.

Dad, is that you?

Don't pretend you were sleeping.

What's wrong with Megan?

You were poking me.

I was.

We're making the right choice, aren't we?

Absolutely.

But on the ride home, let's wear seatbelts.

We would anyway.

Honest, Dad.

I was asleep.

Ah, you're gonna be sleeping.

And from here on in?

Separate cars.

Bullseye.

Rodney!

[music playing]

Zoe!

Zoe!

Zoe!

[laughing]

[music playing]

[MUSIC PLAYING]