Original subtitles

Thank you.

The only good thing I could see coming out of this hole is the chance to have

an awesome basketball party.

Did I mention Zeke's got 20 showgirls coming?

20 showgirls.

These girls are ready to party, let me tell you that.

We could have been there two hours ago if you weren't afraid to fly.

Hey, by the way, who's paying for this awesome party?

I am.

All right.

Well, we are.

Look, I met with Donna about the new graphic novel the other day, and I

talked to her into giving us a $5,000 advance. Are you serious?

Yeah, man. All right. Yeah.

Only thing is, we've got to come up with an idea for the new book by the end of

the weekend.

Oh, well, Zach, you know I've got my wedding tomorrow.

There's no way I can make the book by then.

Yeah, we'll come up with something on the way. Relax.

Whoa, check it out, man.

Ow!

Uh-oh.

Hey, hey, I'll watch you drive. I'm watching, I'm watching.

Oh, take it off, baby.

Take it all off, baby.

Is that to keep your eyes on the road? The what?

It's under control, man. Under control.

Man, that lucky dog. Look at her.

Thank you.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm stupid here, baby.

God, you've got to be kidding me. I think that was Heather Lasseter.

Who? Who? Heather Lasseter.

Remember Spring Break in Cabo?

Oh, yeah, yeah. The girl you spent, like, five days in bed with?

Five days and five nights.

I didn't know a girl could have that many orgasms.

Damn.

Heather Latham.

I sure would like to see her again.

Zach, 58 East?

You sure we're going the right way?

Yeah, man, I can get to Vegas with my eyes closed.

Relax. I'll get us there.

Thinking about the party?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

20 showgirls. Woo-hoo!

And you, my friend, are the main attraction.

Oh, I don't know, Zach.

Girls don't come that easy for me, you know?

These ones will.

Besides, it's all your attitude.

If you project total confidence in yourself, women just come out of the

woodwork. It's amazing.

Yeah. Yeah, I could do that. Yeah, you could do that.

I'm ready to cook.

Oh, I... Excuse me. Well, hello there.

Hi. My name's Chastity.

Hello, princess.

I was wondering if you're going my way to Las Vegas?

Yes, we are.

An old boyfriend of mine showed up at the pageant, and he made such a scene, I

just had to get out of there.

Will you give me a ride?

Uh, I'm sorry, we can't get involved with something like that. Just one

minute, honey, okay? Just be right there.

Has your brain gone soft?

When a beauty queen pops out of nowhere and asks for a ride, you gotta take it

as a sign from God.

Uh, Malibu. You remember Malibu?

We ended up missing the party because of stuff like that.

Yeah, I'm not gonna miss my wedding.

And I don't want to miss that party either, so I'm not going to miss

anything, okay? She's going away, all right? Come on, come on.

You're a chariot of weights there, Miss Cornsook. Oh, I love corn.

Hold it.

If you're going to give someone a ride, it's going to be me.

Well, why?

Because Glenda, the good witch here, stole my last one.

Oh, she's lying. Don't listen to her. Why would you choose a tight-ass hayseed

like her when you can ride with a professional stripper who knows how to

return the favor?

She's got a point there.

I was here first.

I'm not going to ride with her.

Which is it going to be?

I don't know. Kind of feisty, huh?

That's right.

It's not like you have a beauty queen delivered to your door every day.

Of course, having a professional stripper along for the ride might be

kind of cool, too.

Something tells me we're going to be in trouble either way.

Look, sorry, but fair is fair, you know? I mean, if you stole her ride, I think

she deserves it.

I'm sure you'll do fine, you know, with the crown and all.

Come on, honey. Why don't you climb aboard?

We'll get on our way.

What a couple of jerks.

You know, I could use a nap.

Do you mind if I lay in the back? No, no, no.

You make yourself just as comfortable as you like.

Look it, I'll pay for the gas. You're driving, man. No way. We agreed you'd

take the first 100 miles.

Dude, forget it.

Fine, you owe me, man.

You're definitely going to need more snacks.

Hey, baby, it's me.

Just want to let you know we're on our way and we should be there in four

hours, no problem.

Brian, don't be late for the rehearsal, okay?

Don't worry, I won't.

And we'll be done in plenty of time for Zach's party, right?

Is that all you care about, the party?

You don't even care about our wedding, do you? Oh, come on, of course I do.

Now, about the party. Remember when you said that anything that happens at the

party is okay?

Well, I just want to make sure we're clear on that, because, you know, it's

just that there's going to be a lot of naked girls there, and things can get

pretty crazy, and... You know what, Brian? Right now is not a good time to

talk about this, so... Well, why not?

Daddy's here.

And, uh, he wants to talk to you.

Pumpkin, why don't you go potty your nose? I want to talk to the Brian man.

Brian.

Oh, uh, hi, Mr. Sweet Home.

Listen to me, you little shit.

I don't have to be happy that you're marrying my little girl. But if you do

anything to hurt her... If you're as much as one minute late to this wedding,

I will have your skin removed with a blowtorch. Got me?

Yes, sir. Gotcha.

Oh, brother.

I can tell by the look on your face you've been talking to Monica, haven't

you? Ah, no. Did she bust in your vault?

No, actually, it wasn't Monica.

Look, man, it's not too late to call off the wedding.

Let's just get going, okay?

You sure you don't want to drive?

She's taking a nap, Zach. Would you just relax?

What the hell are you doing here?

Stop the car. We have a stowaway. Oh, I saw them first. You stole my ride, you

little tramp. Who are you calling a tramp?

Well, who do you think? The one who's halfway naked?

Do something, man. They're going to kill each other back there.

Go.

Go.

Ladies, ladies, would you please just try to calm down, okay?

You can both ride.

Let's just try to get along.

Nice day, isn't it?

So why are you guys going to Vegas?

I'm getting married.

Oh, sweet.

Oh, please.

Oh, no, my cousin got married last month, and it was such a pretty

ceremony. We had pretty flowers and pretty cake, and it made me think of

something.

I've always wanted to fuck a guy's brain right before he got married to someone

else. What?

I don't know. There's just something so naughty about it. You know, to cop a

guy's action right before he gives it away to another woman forever.

I thought I was the only one with that fantasy.

Really?

So when's the big date?

Oh, tomorrow, actually.

We don't have much time.

I thought him too.

Ladies, ladies, can I have a say in this?

No.

Yeah, keep your eyes on the road, man.

you

Yes, Mr. Sweet Home.

I've been picking up their trail.

I've got them in my sights right now.

Just make sure they don't get distracted.

I didn't drop a hundred grand on this wedding just to be made a fool of.

Don't worry, Mr. Sweet Home. The tracking device is working fine.

But they are taking a route to Vegas that I'm not familiar with.

I don't know what they have in mind.

They're idiots.

They don't have anything in mind.

Just make sure they get to my daughter's wedding on time.

Mr. Sweet Home, don't worry.

I'll be in touch.

Now, turn around.

Please go easy.

Bend over.

We don't know where the hell you're going, and we're never going to get to

Vegas this way. We'll find another ride.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah, but ladies, ladies, we haven't really had a chance to get properly

acquainted. How about you hop back in and I give you a nice ride Zach style?

No, thanks.

No, thanks?

I must be losing it.

Hey, let's face it. Some guys have it, some guys don't, you know? Joe, I got

it. Don't worry about that. I got plenty.

This is Vegas.

Come on, let's go party.

No.

What's wrong? Are you getting cold feet?

No, my feet are fine. It's Brian I'm worried about.

He's a guy.

It's natural for him to get freaked out before the big day.

He's not freaked out. I think he's just more interested in his bachelor party

than he is about getting married.

A bachelor party is a sacred rite. It's good for the soul.

In fact, that's just what you need.

No, no.

But a few margaritas. Woo!

A male stripper.

You know what? I... No, I... I just want to be alone.

All right. But promise me you'll at least think about it, okay?

Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.

I can find Vegas. I mean, if you want to get directions, that's fine.

Right. Whoa, check it out, man.

What?

Heather's car.

Zach, that wasn't Heather.

You told me yourself she was modeling in Japan.

Besides, even if it was her, she's with the guy, so let it go.

Now let's get some directions, okay? Come on. Yeah, all right, all right.

Why don't you go ahead?

I'm just going to get some ice, all right?

Zach. I'll be right back.

I wonder if you could help me out.

I could use a little help myself, actually.

You mind?

Sure.

Thanks.

Now, what can I do you for?

Well, me and a buddy are on our way to Vegas, and I think we're lost.

Lost?

How can you be lost? You're standing right there.

Come on, honey. Come back in the room. No, I'm tired of watching you lose your

temper. It ain't my fault. It's the way that pool boy looked at you.

Come on, honey. I apologize.

Heather Lassner in the flesh.

Please come back in the room.

On one condition.

What? That you talk nice to me.

I am talking nice to you.

No, I mean real nice.

Call me Buttercup.

You come back in the room, Buttercup.

I'm going to get out of this stupid outfit. Wait, wait, wait.

Do it the way I like.

Will you be nice to me?

Oh, baby.

There'll be nothing but champagne, roses, and foot massages from now on.

S. S.

Give me a T.

T. Give me an R. R. Oh, Heather, you are better looking than I am.

What is that spell?

here, about where the Wilson place used to be, about a mile before the bridge,

turn left. Go to Yakoma to a fort.

No?

The right. Wait.

The left. It doesn't matter, because if you take the wrong one, you'll know

after about four or five miles, because it doesn't go no more. So come back and

take the other one. Go past the Jensen cesspool.

Now can you blame me for not wanting to share this with anyone?

I don't want to get mean, baby, but if I ever saw another guy peeking at you, I'd

mash his face with a pole.

This may be my last chance to ever see Heather like this again.

Believe me, she's worth looking at.

On the other hand, I don't want to get my face mashed to a pulp.

Maybe I should just forget the whole thing and get on to the 20 showgirls.

Man that should be me in there.

an ice machine.

Shit.

Hey, Zach, I finally got stuff.

Why are you running?

Come on, dude. We got a book, man.

Making friends again, as usual.

Yeah, that was Heather Lasseter.

We have to turn around.

Yeah, right.

The motel clerk told me we missed our turn 100 miles ago. We have to go back.

Yeah, I generally try and drive away from people who are shooting at me.

Besides, if we go back, we lose two hours. We'll miss the part.

There's got to be a shortcut.

Well, the motel clerk told me we can make a left at the dead tree up there.

I don't trust that guy.

I say, fuck it, let's go for it.

Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Well, hello there.

Whose car is that out front?

Which one?

The one right there out front.

Oh, uh, that's mine.

Just put new wiper blades on them.

Pretty sharp, huh?

Man,

we are cruising now. We're going to be in Vegas in no time, buddy.

You know, it's a good thing we met that motel clerk.

Hey, you suppose those showgirls would be wearing their showgirl office?

Huh? Not for long.

You're so getting late, my man.

I've never done anything like this before.

You're going to like it. I like it already.

Hey,

where

are you going?

opportunity arises and it certainly has arisen.

um um

Oh!

Oh, yeah.

Can't believe we missed the rehearsal.

I'm a dead man.

I'm a dead man.

I'm fucking dead.

Relax, man. I'm sure Vegas is right over those hills.

Man, I hope you're right.

Because if we don't get there soon, Monica's dad's going to tear my arms

off.

Why are you so afraid of that guy?

Because I'm not a fighter, Zach.

Well, you don't have to be. You just got to pretend like you are.

You know what? I'll bet you nine out of ten schoolyard boys have never even been

in a fight.

There's still no service out here.

What the hell is this?

Hey, look like they need help.

What are you doing? We got a party to get to.

Maybe they can help us get some directions.

Ooh, they're ladies. Maybe they can give us a little bit more than just help.

Howdy, ladies. What seems to be the problem?

There is a malfunction with our vehicle.

We are out of fuel, and there is a problem with the tire.

We request your assistance.

Tire's flat, huh?

Only the bottom part.

Only the bottom part. That's a good one, huh?

I'll talk to you for a sec.

I don't like the look of this.

Not a gas and a flat tire?

Right. Let's see if we can get out of here.

Dude, it was your idea to stop in the first place.

Look, the lady needs some help.

Besides, they might be very appreciative if you catch me on draft.

Yeah, yeah, look, we're two hours away.

Let's not do anything that's going to jeopardize us getting to that party on

time, please.

Hey, I hear you, I hear you.

But it's not nice to leave a couple ladies stranded like that. Come on!

Yeah, maybe he's right. You can't leave a lady stranded.

Especially ones that look like those.

But I don't know, they look kind of spooky if you ask me.

Do we really want to chance anything interfering with our getting to Vegas on

time?

Okay, ladies, we'll fix you up in no time.

Got a jack in the trunk?

Is it really necessary to look in the trunk?

If you want the tire fixed, yeah.

Very well.

Perhaps you would enjoy a cold, delicious beverage while you work.

Make sure you drink it all.

I almost forgot. I'm getting married.

And we really have to get going right now.

Thank you, lady. Sorry.

What is your problem, man?

What?

All right, what's going on, man? We're about to get laid. What's your deal?

Look at these girls. What are you, fucking high?

Monica must be totally flipped out by now.

Give that girl some credit, man.

Monica can be very understanding.

If he doesn't call me in an hour, the wedding tomorrow is off.

Not at that bounce.

I'm sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Yes, he's going to show up on time, and you're going to forgive him as you

always do.

Everything is going to be fine.

Oh, that's right.

We didn't order anything. Yes, we did.

Come right this way.

Why don't you bring the food on over here?

Over there? Yeah, over here.

You can sit down.

All right.

This looks wonderful.

Would you like a nice, big, juicy strawberry?

Okay.

How about some kiwi?

Hey, athlete, when you're all finished, we have a bachelorette party to

organize.

Damn,

man, nothing but this twangy shit.

So, I kind of like it.

Yo, you like algebra.

Hey, look at that.

Wow.

Must be a meteor.

That's weird. It's dead.

Oh, come on, Zach. Stop messing around.

I'm not messing around.

There must be a few.

What'd you do?

I didn't do anything.

Well, can you hotwire it?

Not if it's an electrical problem, no.

Now what are we going to do?

Well, we're going to walk for help, I guess.

Zach, it's the desert. There's, like, snakes and...

scorpions, and fucking Gila monsters out here. Really?

Probably.

Come on, you pussy. I'll protect you.

Oh, shut the hell up.

Where are we going?

Are we sure we should be doing this?

Yeah, man. Let's just, uh...

Oh, man.

Zach, is your flashlight out?

Zach? Zach!

That was creative.

What next?

Well, I guess we wait for first light.

In the morning.

Shit!

Man, we're gonna make 20 showgirls very unhappy if we don't roll into Vegas by

noon tomorrow.

20 girls, man!

Man, Monica must be worried sick by now.

What the hell is that?

Ladies, if this is about us leaving you back there... We need answers to a

couple of questions.

What questions?

We need to know what you both have seen.

What we've seen?

What, like movies?

In the area.

We need to know what you have seen in the area.

Uh... Dunt? Cactus? What?

What are you talking about?

Nothing a little unusual.

Like a large silver disc.

Large silver disc? No, I think we would remember that.

Yeah.

You are a common male.

Typical to this country, yeah?

Sure.

You have a most pleasant shape.

Well, I work out.

Have you seen anything unusual?

Colored lights in the sky?

All right, all right, we did actually, okay? We thought it was a UFO.

Hmm.

Swamp gas.

Yes, swamp gas.

Yeah, that's what I said, swamp gas.

I mean, there could be swamp gas in the desert, right?

Sure. Can we go now?

Cool.

Sit.

Relax.

We must have sex now, Mark. We must have sex

now.

First, I will display my naked body to

arouse you.

Do you not desire to have sex with me?

Well, actually, I hadn't really thought about it. Is it not true that men like

you often do it without thinking?

I believe it is now your turn to pleasure the woman.

Isn't it?

Thank you.

Oh my God.

Thank you for making my mission complete.

Huh?

What was that?

Nothing.

Man,

I just had the strangest dream.

Yeah, me too.

Want to talk about it?

Hell no.

What the hell?

Zack? What the fuck are we doing in Mexico?

We, uh, took a wrong turn?

We?

There's no we.

You're the one driving.

Now turn around.

I don't think that's an option.

Ah, shit.

We busted the radiator.

Again with the we.

In any case, we have to get this fixed.

We're not going anywhere.

Let's go get some help.

Maybe some food, too. I'm kind of hungry.

That'll do.

That's good, man.

Mira, los hijos de Pancho Villa.

Buenos dias.

What can I do for you, muchachos?

Yeah, we need directions to America.

And a couple of cold ones.

Maybe some bar snacks, too.

Got any nuts?

Yeah, and we also need a mechanic.

We have a busted radiator.

Mi amigo is a car mechanic.

His name is Rosti.

He's around here somewhere.

Go sit down.

Maria will bring you your cervezas.

Gracias.

Oh, my God.

Look at that girl.

Come on, back down.

Tell him what?

Would you just leave her alone? We're strangers here.

Maybe she just needs a little company, huh? What's the worst that can happen?

Zach?

No.

We gotta find that mechanic and get to Vegas.

Look at that girl.

Are you telling me I'm supposed to pass up an opportunity to get better

acquainted with something like that?

On the other hand, there are 20 girls waiting in Vegas for us with any luck.

Maybe I should find the mechanic and we can get out of here.

Well, hello there, senorita.

What time do you get off?

And can I help you do it?

When you say get off, what do you mean exactly?

Do you mean get off of work or get out sexually?

What do you think I mean?

So you're making a pass at me?

Am I?

You're making a pass at me, but you don't have the cojones to admit it?

Whoa, hey.

Look it, why don't we start over again from the top?

Well, hello there, brown eyes. What's your name?

Maria.

Maria.

Take your filthy gringo hands off my daughter.

She's trying to be friendly.

You try it again and you lose your huevos, senor.

Tu entiende?

Yes, sir.

Sorry.

Make a note. Don't mess with the daughter.

Look, I better find a phone and call Monica before she totally freaks.

Yeah. Hey, hey, howdy. Hey, you must be the mechanic, huh?

No, I'm the town ballerina. What the fuck do you think?

Uh, look, we have a little truck with our RV.

Yeah, I saw that outside.

How did you manage to fuck that up?

I didn't fuck it up, all right? We just got a busted radio.

I can't fix that. How come?

Well, only part store is an hour away, and today is my day off.

Okay, look it. We got to be in Vegas as soon as possible, all right? Look it.

You know what?

I got a check for $5,000 right here.

Okay, now just wait a minute. Now that's the...

advance check from the publisher, but if you can tell me where I can cash it...

I'll tell you what. I'll cash it, and with what's left over, I'll send it to

you. Otherwise, we wait till Monday to get that part.

Now, you wanna wait here till Monday?

Juanita!

I gotta go up to Ray's for a bit, get this guy a part. He fucked up his RV.

Will you be okay while I'm gone for a while?

Sure.

a safe place and I'll be back real soon.

That is a drawing of me?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

You're an artist.

I love artists.

It's a gift.

Will you do another drawing of me?

A little more intimate?

Sure.

Just how intimate were you thinking?

Very intimate.

I've always wanted to make love to an artist.

To a sensitive man.

To see what you see.

To feel what you feel.

It must be wonderful.

Oh, it is.

Make love to me.

Make love to me like only an artist knows how to make love to a woman.

What about Rusty?

He's a grease monkey, a brute.

He knows I have a hunger he cannot satisfy.

I must have you now.

I love how it feels to be inside of me.

Fuck me like only an artist can fuck me.

Any sign of that mechanic around?

Nope.

We're missing everything.

Nah, I'm sure the party's still going on.

I won't have time to weddings this evening.

I'm getting up now.

There

still

is a wedding.

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Yeah, you might be onto something there.

Look, anyway, we can't do shit till the mechanic comes back.

What the hell is this?

Where'd you get that?

I don't remember.

No, no, it came from those women in black, didn't it?

Oh, let's not talk about that, all right?

Man, I am starving, huh?

Ooh, I wish I had a big fat cheeseburger and fries right now.

Holy shit.

What? How the... I knew there was something whack about this thing. It

grants wishes.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Let's try it.

I wish... Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Okay.

What if you're right?

I mean, that three changed to a two.

That might mean we only have two wishes left.

You're right.

What do you want?

Onion rings?

No.

I mean, we can use it to get to Vegas.

Vegas? Hell, we can go to Tahiti.

We could have a billion dollars.

Where are you going?

Come on!

Hey, Sam!

Could I give anything to see that girl without her dress on?

I wish. Can you stop that?

This thing grants wishes. We're using it to get the baby.

We got two left.

If we use one to make ourselves invisible, then you give that girl one.

That's crazy.

No, it's not. It's the dream of a lifetime.

Don't tell me you've never had that vanity.

Well, sure I have, but this is our chance.

insane. This is absurd.

He's actually got me considering this.

All right.

But we better use that last wish to get me to my wedding.

That's what you want?

A billion dollars sounds better to me, but sure.

I wish we could become invisible long enough to see Maria naked.

Mac,

where are you?

Dude, we're invisible.

Come on.

Wait, wait up, wait up.

Ow,

get your finger out of my nose. Ow.

Bye.

Son of a bitch!

You have no right to hold us here.

Oh, but I do, gringo.

I do.

Unbelievable.

This is the second time in a year you've gotten us arrested.

You're going to blame me.

All I wanted to do was get to Vegas.

You've done everything in your power to prevent me from getting married.

Do you think I drove to Mexico on purpose?

I wish we were out of these chains.

I wish we were in Hawaii.

I wish I had a grilled cheese sandwich, this fucking thing, and work.

Same fucking problem with you, Zach.

You don't think ahead.

It's just full speed ahead with you. To hell with the consequences.

Again, you spend half your life worrying about what might happen.

Then have a little faith that things might work out.

Haven't you learned yet, Brian?

It's not the things that happen in your life that make the difference.

It's how you deal with the things that happen that makes all the difference.

You want to know what I've learned?

That I'm never going to take another road trip with you again.

What are you saying, Brian, huh?

Do you want to split up the partnership?

Huh? Yeah.

Yeah, maybe I do. Yeah, well, maybe we should then. All right, fuck it then.

Fine. Forget you.

Now's your chance.

Chance for what? You should do him.

No, no, no way. Well, somebody's got to do him. You can't let a hunk like this

go to waste.

You have an agreement with Brian, right?

Well, then why let him have all the fun?

Come on, but you have to let me watch.

No way.

This is your last chance for meaningless sex.

Very good, meaningless sex.

Do it.

I think you should do them, and I'll watch you. Ah, you're the one getting

married.

Gosh, Ashley is right. I mean, this guy is very hot.

But then again, I've never watched two people make love before, so I guess I

could learn a few things from them.

But then again, you can watch. I could always learn by doing.

I think I want to do them.

Bye.

Wake up, muchachos. The trial is in one hour.

Trial? For what?

Part of the crimes against the good people of this village.

What would you like to eat for your last meal?

Last meal? What are you talking about?

Dios mio. When the judge gets done with you, your days is going to be numbered.

He is very tough.

My God.

She can't be serious.

Don't worry.

We've got a nice funeral all planned for you, my friends.

Hey,

I'll take the lobster if you got any.

Lots of butter.

What?

Hello?

This piece of shit tracking device you gave me is on the blink. I've lost the

subject. God damn it, Gina. This is the last time you foul up a job for me.

You're fired.

But, Mr. Sweet Home, this... Fired.

Dominique, I need you to do something for me.

Anything, Mr. Sweet Home. There's a quick thousand bucks in it.

Go find this Brian character.

The first place he's going to go is to the hotel.

Don't let him see my daughter.

Yes, sir.

Do you want me to hurt him?

No, just bring him to me. I'll take care of him myself.

You

are

charged with crimes against the morals of this community.

How do you plead?

Sir, it was a simple misunderstanding.

Silencio! Traga el testigo!

Bring in the witness.

Oh, shit.

Should have gotten the last go, Brian.

Guilty! Guilty!

Wait a minute.

We demand a retrial. Relax, Brian. I know how it works around here. We just

pay a little fine, we're on our way.

Excuse me, Your Honor. It was just a silly misunderstanding.

How much would it cost us to... We

have money, sir. We can pay you.

Have a little faith, he says.

They're going to fucking shoot us, you happy now? They're not going to shoot

us, all right?

They don't even have the death penalty down here, man.

It's a highly evolved society.

Attention!

What should we do?

You're the writer.

Unos.

Dos.

Es.

Oh, my God.

I wish we were in Las Vegas!

Fuego!

Puta maricón!

I told you everything was going to be okay.

You never listened. I told you.

Man.

Did you mean what you said about the partnership?

No, man.

Good.

Yeah, room 715.

What?

You're kidding.

The party's over. Zeke already checked out.

Oh, man. Figures.

Fuck!

Well, I guess we missed that deadline on the book, too.

Yeah.

What now?

Let's go get cleaned up and find Monica.

I have to tell her wedding's off.

What?

Let's face it, Zach.

Everything that happens is a sign.

A sign that I'm not supposed to get married right now.

You okay?

Yeah, I guess so.

Monica,

I am so... Shut up.

Monica, sweetheart, I am... Look, you won't believe what happened to us. You

know what? Don't even try.

Just...

Monica, Monica, look, I'm so, so sorry.

Come on. You know I love you.

All right.

I know you're really upset right now, but I've got to get this off my chest.

I don't think we should get married right now. You know what? Don't even

worry about it because I already called it off.

You what?

I do not want to get married to somebody whose heart's not into this. So just

forget about the whole thing, okay? No hard feelings. I just think you should

leave. Oh, Monica.

No, really, you know.

My dad is on his way over here, and there's no telling what he might do to

you.

Oh, Mike, come on. Oh, my God, that's him.

No, no, no, no, no. I see him.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Wait,

why don't you both go, okay? Go to the pool, and I'll distract him, all right?

Here, you guys need to talk, all right?

Okay.

I don't know. Am I bleeding? No, no, no.

Well, hello there.

Can I help you with something?

Sure.

You can take this.

Oh, no!

Excuse me, I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Where is Brian?

I was asking.

Tell me where Brian is.

Look, baby, I'm into the rough stuff just as much as the next guy, but you've

got to give me a chance to warm up a bit first.

Just answer my question.

What's your beef with him? You an ex-girlfriend?

No. Is somebody paying you to do this?

Not that it's any of your business, but yeah.

Well, look, I don't know how much you're making, but I got 5,000 bucks that says

you'd just love to take the rest of the afternoon off.

Five grand?

Swear to God.

Hey, I just got the rest of the afternoon off.

You doing anything?

Kind of.

Can you postpone?

I suppose I have a couple minutes.

Hmm.

Oh, boy, was it nice to meet you.

Bye now.

Daddy,

Daddy, what are we going to do?

I don't know. What am I going to do, run forever?

Maybe I should just confirm.

No, but he's going to kill you.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Zach.

He must be Mr. Sweet Home, huh? Where's Brian?

Well, I guess you'd have to ask him, wouldn't you?

I'm not playing games, smartass.

Hey. Hey.

You got a problem?

Talk to me.

There you are, you little fuck.

Watch your mouth in front of my girlfriend.

What'd you say to me?

You broke my fucking nose.

Hey, I don't want to have to fight you, Mr. Sweet Home.

But I will if I have to.

Wedding or not, I'm in love with your daughter.

And I don't want anything to come between us.

You got some balls, kid.

You're all right.

He's all right.

I know, Daddy. Now, could you please go away and leave us alone? Yeah, I'm

sorry, kid.

Zach.

Ashley? Hi.

Ashley. Hi.

Hi. Hey.

I am so, so sorry about the wedding.

I guess I'm just not ready.

You know, just forget about it. Forget the whole thing. Let's just have a

wedding, like, on our own terms, you know? Something casual, something fun,

you know?

Maybe the occasional threesome.

It doesn't have to be the end of our fun. It just could be the beginning.

So what do you think, Brian?

You want to get married?

Oh, I don't know. This is a tough one.

I mean, Monica is such a terrific girl.

And I don't want to lose her, but... Dude, what the fuck are you doing? Did

you hear what she just said?

Look, if you don't marry her right now, you're a complete idiot.

But I thought you said marriage is to be avoided.

Yeah, that's before Monica said all that stuff about threesomes and shit.

What, are you kidding me?

Where are you ever going to find a girl like that again?

Seal the deal now before you lose her forever.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join these two kids in holy

matrimony. If anyone here can show just cause as to why these two awfully young

people should not be joined together at this early part of their life, let him

now speak or forever hold his peace.

Give you any idea?

Hell no.

Brian, do you take Monica to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to

hold for better or worse, or richer or poorer, or sickness and health, to love

and to cherish till death do you part, do you?

Yeah.

Monica.

Do you do all that stuff, too?

Yes. I do.

Go ahead.

By the powers vested in me by the wise and benevolent Nevada Bureau of

Licenses, Permits, and Documents, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may

kiss the bride.

Well,

that wasn't so bad, was it?

It's funny. I thought I'd feel different being married, but I don't.

Well, if it's up to me, you're going to be feeling a lot of good things.

Yeah, okay, okay. That's fantastic. We'll be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Bri, Bri, that was Donna, the publisher.

She called about the new book. I told her it's called Fastening to Vegas, and

she loved it, man.

No way. You're kidding.

But wait, there's more, man.

One of the movie studios called. They want to buy the old book.

Huh? All right.

Only thing is, we got to schmooze with the money, man.

We got three days to get to New York. All right.

Sorry, girls. We gotta go to New York.

Well, well, he means all of us, of course.

Yeah, of course. Of course. I mean all of us. That's what I meant, baby.

To New

York.

Hey, Seth.

You sure you know the way to New York?

Ah, I can get us to New York with my eyes closed.

You give me a kiss and tell me it's bliss being right by your side.

How can you say you love me while it's clear, my dear?

Your love is a lie.

If I never see you no more.

Won't be soon enough. Can't ignore your jiving.

That's what you do.

Your jiving.

That's what you do.