Original subtitles

[ lisping]: ...four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine...

Yes, I still have the record, sucker!

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair ♪

I swear this mall gets more beautiful every time we come.

They have really made some changes.

There used to be a Banana Republic over there.

Now it's over there.

Can we please just get my underwear and get out of here?

Malcolm, you know

it's hard to buy underwear for you.

You have your father's irregular crotch.

Nothing to be ashamed of, son.

If a woman really loves you,

it won't bother her a bit.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Will you look at that?

They turned a Soap Town into a Soap And Such.

Hi. Are you here to take class?

Yes,

that's why I came in here,

to take class.

It's dancing, right?

Yes. Just sign up at the counter.

So, you're the new guy.

What? Oh, yeah, hi.

Zzzt! It's all right.

I don't mind a little competition,

but just so you know what you're up against.

So the person who keeps his or her hand

on the vehicle the longest

is going to drive out of here in this brand-new truck!

Oh, Hal, look at that truck.

Can you imagine if we could finally get rid of the van?

That piece of junk's costing us a hundred bucks a month

in duct tape alone.

All right, the contest is going to begin in ten seconds.

If all the contestants are ready, here we go.

In seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one. And we're off!

I can't believe we never entered one of these contests before.

It's going to be a long ride, honey.

[ cell phone ringing] Hello?

We got our first loser.

-Ha! Idiot! -Number two.

[ shrieks] Damn it all to hell!

Come on, pal, here we go, here we go.

There we go.

Oh!

Oh, geez.

[ grunts]

No, no, no, Jamie!

You have to stay in your chair until breakfast is ready, okay?

Listen, your mommy's going to be home in a couple days,

just as soon as she wins that truck.

And then everything will be back to normal.

Oh, eggs.

Ow, ow, ow!

Ooh!

Oh, oh, oh, God.

Oh, dear.

[ phone rings]

Hello!

Oh, hi, Hal, how's it going?

Oh, uh, everything is... everything's great, honey.

Oh, good. Listen,

I was thinking this might be the perfect time

for you to get to your "To Do" board.

Well, um, you know, I am not sure

that I'm going to be able to...

Hal, I'm making this sacrifice for the whole family.

I think the least you can do

is catch up on some housework.

Okay, okay, I'll talk to you later.

Oh, geez.

[ loud crash]

What was that?

REESE AND DEWEY: Nothing!

Oh, my God, Dad's middle management trophy-- The Middie.

We have no choice but to confess and take the punishment.

You're a good brother.

Hey!

Are you sure you've never danced before?

No, never.

♪ Dance with me, make me sway ♪

♪ Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore ♪

♪ Hold me close ♪

♪ Sway me more ♪

You really have a gift.

♪ Like a flower bending in the breeze ♪

She's right.

Turns out, I'm naturally talented

at science and dancing...

two things that are guaranteed to get you beat up.

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Sway with me ♪

All right, partner up.

You know, our dance competition's

coming up next week.

You can choose any girl in the class

to be your partner.

Really? Any girl?

♪ Other dancers may be on the floor ♪

You and Danielle would be a dream together.

Who?

♪ But my eyes will see only you ♪

♪ Only you have that magic technique ♪

I think I need a little time to think about it.

♪ I can hear the sound of violin... ♪

Say hi to Angela for me.

So who's Angela?

She's my best friend.

He's helping her move.

-Huh. -What?

No, I am not worried about him and Angela.

Good for you.

I actually met my husband when he helped me move.

Boy, there's nothing sexier

than a man coming to the rescue.

The two of you lug that mattress up the stairs,

you get it laid down on the floor in the bedroom.

You're both already sweaty.

Anyway, I think you're making the right choice.

A truck will never let you down.

I've got to go.

Can't we just throw the thing in the trash?

That is the worst possible place.

Dad accidentally throws

his car keys out three times a week,

and he always ends up going through the barrels.

[ loud clunk]

What was that?

There's a handle here.

Oh, my God, do you know what this means?

Yes!

Rabbits have been using our technology!

No, it's a bomb shelter.

People built these in the '50s and '60s

in case of a nuclear war.

This is incredible.

HAL: What the hell...?

Dad?

HAL: Boys, are you down there?

Dad, look, we have a bomb shelter.

Oh, good God.

I never knew this was here.

-Isn't it amazing? -All right,

let's get out of here.

We don't know how stable this place is.

There could be snakes and rats and...

Is that my trophy?

Yeah.

Here!

What...?

You broke the Middie!

They only give out

200 of these a year!

Hurry, get the trash cans!

HAL: You boys let me out of here!

HAL [ yelling]: Are you trying to bury me here like a rat?!

-You want to see what's on TV? -Okay.

HAL: Get me out of here!

They let me pick Hanna as my partner.

We really got a shot at winning this competition.

Plus, I get to touch her body, like, a lot.

-Ow! -Sorry.

[ groans]

[ groans]

[ groans]

Dad, if you can hear me, knock once on the hatch.

[ single knock]

Okay, it's pretty obvious

we've all made some mistakes here.

There's no point in trying to figure out

who's right and who's wrong.

The important thing is

you forgive us so we can forgive you

so we can let you out.

Now if we're all on the same page,

knock once on the lid.

[ single knock]

He agreed. We're both witnesses.

Dad, I really think...

[ screaming]

It's a trick!

I will...!

[ growling]

I just...!

Vengeance!

Back, Dad! Back, Dad!

Back! [ screaming]

[ Hal screaming]

I don't know if I can trust Dad after this.

You're insane.

I'm just saying,

how much food could there be down there?

Eventually, this will take care of itself.

-Reese! -He's had a long life.

What is he, like, 70?

/Forget it.

Ah, you're right.

I forgot about Mom.

She's bound to notice eventually,

no matter how busy she is.

And once she latches on to something,

you know how she never lets it go.

[ frustrated grunt]

[ sighs]

Ow!

[ grunts]

Whoa!

Well, hello.

Oh!

Mr. President.

Well, looks like we're in this Cold War together.

So, Jack...

what are you drinking?

So what if she's a klutz?

She's still beautiful, right?

I can't wait for the competition.

You and me

out there in front of everyone?

[ groans]

All right, she's totally hot,

but she's got no presence.

Her footwork's sloppy

and her jazz square's all over the place.

[ chuckles]

I'm just going to have to make my peace with this.

I chose Hanna for the contest

and now there's nothing I can do about it.

♪ I like to sneak a drink ♪

♪ Roll my smoke ♪

♪ You see, I like my... ♪

Oh, my ankle!

I'm so sorry. Are you all right?

It hurts.

[ song stops abruptly]

I can't stand on it.

Oh, my God, what a terrible accident.

It was an accident.

I'm so sorry.

It was.

♪ I got the Jack, the Ace, the King and Queen ♪

♪ You know, I like my women mean ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a big time operatin' ♪

♪ Never ever hesitatin' sinner VIP ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a big time operatin' ♪

♪ Never ever hesitatin' sinner VIP. ♪

Good.

Perfect.

All right, just turn and be stronger with your arms.

[ sighs]

I'm so glad you were still available for the competition.

I was really upset by Hanna's, um...

accidental injury, but I think you and I might win this thing.

Well, if we can do it with our dancing,

maybe you could stop sleeping with the judges.

That'll free up my evenings.

Who knew she banters, too.

[ lilting music playing]

[ oven bell rings]

Ooh.

[ chuckles]

Ah.

Salisbury steak-- my old friend.

Oh.

Ha-cha.

Hello, ladies.

DEWEY: Dad?

Dad, you alive?

[ pounding] The minute I get out of here,

you boys are in so much...

...trouble!

Hey, if he's not willing to negotiate,

we've got no choice.

We're going to have to split up.

Okay, I'll meet you in Mexico in five years.

Wait a minute.

What if we do everything on his "To Do" board

and then let him out?

That's brilliant.

He couldn't be mad at us if we did all this for him.

He's got stuff on here

that he's been meaning to do for years.

"Change Dewey's diaper."

So, for the contest, what do you think we should wear?

I was thinking about a really hot

sequined backless number.

And for me, something classy.

Just so you know,

I was holding back in there.

You two have no idea

what I'm going to unleash tomorrow at the contest.

Well, if it's anything like what you unleashed

during stretching, we're pulling out of the competition.

Insults are for those who can't express themselves

in motion.

Hmm, I think I'm falling in love with him.

You, too?

So, I'll see you tomorrow?

Right.

Oh, there was one more thing.

Nope, that wasn't it.

See ya.

I'm sure it's nothing, Cheryl,

but you'll probably feel better

after a doctor's taken a look at it.

[ sobbing]

Wow, Mom, just four left. That's great.

Yeah, and it'll be three before you know it.

Mom, I need some advice on something.

I started taking this dance class, and...

-Good for you. -I just signed up to meet a girl.

Of course.

I got to dance with the girl I wanted,

but she had an accident

and I started dancing with this other girl

and I didn't think there'd be anything other than dancing there, and...

And now she likes you and you're going to break her heart?

No, that's not it.

I like her, too.

-You both like each other? -Yeah.

So why are you bothering me? I'm working here.

The point is I like her, but she's not exactly

what I consider to be...

a cute girl.

Oh.

Oh, this is going to be a tricky one.

-Hmm, here, hold this. -Ow.

What is wrong with you?

You're attracted to her, she's attracted to you.

The only problem is in your head.

Listen, if you try to build relationships

on looks, you are in for a world of hurt.

I mean, take Janet here.

20 years ago she marries her husband

because she thinks he looks like Lee Majors.

And today he's lost all his hair,

he's gained 200 pounds and she is stuck with a blimp

who won't even put on his shirt to come to the dinner table.

She is reduced to trying to win his attention

by bringing home a truck.

I mean, how sad is that?

[ sobbing]: That is what I'm doing, isn't it?

You see that?

That took courage.

I'll tell you, Jack,

they made women in those days.

There's nothing wrong with a little meat on the bones.

Now, that is a fanny.

Ah, Jack, you died too young.

We beat 'em.

Now they're wearing blue jeans

and eating cheeseburgers in Red Square.

Oh, and we made it to the moon.

Big waste of money.

I'll tell you what I miss the most, Jack.

All these years, we have never had a president as cool as you.

Here's to you, buddy.

You're right to look at me like that.

You just can't drink a martini without an olive.

Well, would you look at that.

We have a back door.

I'll be right back, Jack.

[ motor humming]

After you finish the fireplace,

start scrubbing the shower tiles.

and I'll give Jamie a bath,

then we can both do the gutters.

All right, but first we have to shampoo the rug

to give it time to dry.

If you are 99% sure you turned your oven off,

don't drive yourself crazy.

Besides, dogs have an instinct to run away from fire.

WOMAN: Whoa!

MAN: There goes number three.

And then there were two.

Don't go anywhere, folks.

We're going to be crowning a winner.

So it's just you and me.

All the little children have gone home.

You have any kids?

Four.

Five.

Epidurals?

Please.

You tear?

Like an old sock.

All right ladies, it's time for another bathroom break.

You're not taking a break, Mabel?

I'm good.

[ chuckles]

Me, too.

♪ Everybody in the party do the cha-cha♪

♪ Everybody walking down and feeling cha-cha♪

♪ Hey, muchacha, give me your cha-cha♪

♪ Cha-cha-cha, un, dos, tres pa' bailar... ♪

♪ Everybody in the party do the cha-cha♪

♪ Everybody walking down and feeling cha-cha♪

♪ Hey, muchacha, give me your cha-cha♪

♪ Cha-cha-cha, un, dos, tres pa' bailar... ♪

Hey, Danielle, before we go out there,

there's something I need to tell you.

I like you a lot.

You do?

I mean, great.

I know. I never would have expected it.

[ song ends]

[ crowd cheering]

And now, Malcolm and Danielle!

♪ When marimba rhythms start to play ♪

♪ Dance with me, make me sway ♪

Why wouldn't you have expected it?

Huh?

Why wouldn't you have expected to like me?

♪ Like a flower bending in the wind ♪

It wasn't a criticism of you. It's just that...

sometimes I can be really shallow about these things.

♪ When we dance, you have a way with me ♪

Malcolm?

♪ Stay with me, sway with me ♪

So what kind of guys do you like

when you're shallow?

♪ But my eyes see only you ♪

No, it's nothing.

It's just that...

I've made mistakes in the past

going after guys just based on their looks.

So you almost didn't go out with me

because I'm not good-looking enough?

Would you let it go, okay?

I like you.

Now dip me.

-Face or body? -What?

Face or body, which don't you like?

Or maybe you don't like any of it.

It's all fine. It's good enough.

-Now dip me. -I can't believe you'd think like that.

For God's sakes!

You know, you're no prize.

[ gasps]

[ humming]

No, we can't let Dad out

until we do everything on the list.

If Dad's going to act like...

[ all screaming]

I can explain.

Wait a minute.

You've been sneaking out the whole time?

Is that party mix?

You're damn right it's party mix.

This is the only thing that has kept me sane

while I was trapped in that hellhole.

Then why are you going back?

I am not on trial here.

I can't believe he wasn't really trapped.

Come on, Dewey, let's go mess up the house.

[ horn honking]

I did it! I won the truck!

Lois, you're not going to believe what these boys have done.

-They trapped me in a hole... -He wasn't trapped...

[ horn honks] Did you hear what I said?

I said I won the truck!

-Oh, my God! -You won the truck!

We won the truck! We won the truck!

We won the truck! We won the truck!

Let's go for a ride.

Just a sec. First I have to change my pants.

Captioned by Post Haste Digital