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[grunting softly]

[Steve-O] A Steve-O comedy special

is probably confusing people at this point,

and I get that.

[laughs]

[grunts softly]

I'm known for doing fucked up shit.

Oh, shit.

[screams]

♪ upbeat music

♪♪

I've been doing it for a long, long time.

♪♪

Oh, shit!

Ow! Owww!

Ow, shit! [screams indistinctly]

♪♪

But I'll tell you,

I started doing stand-up comedy in 2006.

I don't know if this is the amphetamines,

the Xanax, the grass, or the booze,

but I feel fucking great.

[cheering and laughter]

I've been touring relentlessly for the last five years.

Everything I've done for the last five years,

really my life, has led up to this.

I know that people don't know what to expect from this,

but they're never gonna fucking forget it.

Go out there and give it to 'em, Steve-O.

Give it to 'em hard.

[cheers and applause]

[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

Steve-O!

[cheers and applause]

[classical music plays]

[audience] Steve-O! Steve-O!

[driving rock music]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

Clean in motherfucking half.

[man] Yeah!

This is a big deal. [chuckles]

[man] Yeah!

What has four thumbs and loves blowjobs?

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I fucking love blowjobs, man.

[cheers and laughter]

Does anybody want one?

[laughs]

Fuck yeah, Austin, Texas!

What's going on?

[cheers and applause]

This is the biggest night of my life ever!

And thank you guys for being here.

[cheers and applause]

It's fucking going down.

So let me start by answering a question, okay?

Because I've gotten this since day one.

How did all the Jackassstuff start?

People want to know my secret for breaking into show business,

and I will tell you, I had three.

I was a terrible student.

Attention whorehouse.

[chuckles]

And a drug addict.

That helped.

When I was in high school, man,

it wasn't just, like, my grades that were a problem.

A week before graduation,

I got hauled in to the guidance counselor's office.

He says, "We know you've been dealing drugs, big time.

And if you think we won't expel you

just one week before graduation,

think again, because it's happened."

But it was just my word against the word

of all the freshmen I was selling acid to.

Yeah.

They didn't actually have shit on me.

So I totally graduated,

and off I went to the University of Miami,

where within two weeks of class starting

I was on final disciplinary probation.

That's fucking badass!

And I got kicked out of the dorms,

I failed my classes, and I dropped out,

which I like to call overachieving.

So I'm on the way out of the University of Miami,

and people are asking me, like,

"Well, what are you gonna do now?"

And I told 'em, "I'm gonna videotape fucked-up shit,

and I'm gonna become a crazy famous stuntman."

[man] Yeah!

Everybody thought the same thing.

"What a shame."

But I didn't care because I had a vision,

and I had special skills.

I was really good at drinking bong water.

[laughter and cheering]

I would squeeze lemon juice

into my eyes whenever.

And on special occasions,

I would let people choke me

completely unconscious.

[gentle music]

Ladies and gentlemen, this right here

is top UFC fighter,

American Army Ranger

and sniper, Tim Kennedy.

Make some noise.

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[scattered cheers]

[cheers and applause]

[audience shouting]

[man] Get up!

We get a show to do!

[cheers and applause]

[laughs]

Did he drop me?

[audience] Yeah!

Yeah? Did I fall?

[audience] Yeah!

Fuck, I can't remember.

Craziest thing is that with all these special skills,

nobody was hiring me. [chuckles]

My life sucked

until I found out about

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College.

[cheers and applause]

I was like, "Dude, if I could graduate from there,

people would take me seriously as a stuntman."

And it was totally free to get into.

The only thing that they, like, charged you for

was your fancy custom-made clown costume.

Not only did I get in,

they waived my costume fee.

So I went to Clown College on a fucking scholarship.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

But the best fucking thing

is that when I was going to Clown College,

my cousin was going to mortician school,

and our mothers were intensely debating

whose son was a bigger loser.

[laughs]

I graduated from Clown College,

but I wasn't one of the clowns

that got picked to work

for the animal-abusing circus.

So I had to borrow $20

to afford a Greyhound Bus ticket

to get back to my sister's house

and hang my fancy clown costume in the closet

while it did nothing,

and I sold shitty weed.

[chuckles]

And the bags of weed I sold

did not weigh what they were supposed to weigh.

[laughs]

But after I got done ripping you off,

I would show you a super cool trick.

Allow me to demonstrate. [chuckles]

[cheers and applause]

I'm gonna pour myself a drink.

I'm gonna balance this drink on my head.

As soon as I let go of the cup,

both of my arms go down completely by my side.

While this drink is balanced on my head,

I am not allowed to raise my arms at all,

and I have to drink it without spilling a single drop.

I would ask you if you're ready...

[scattered cheers]

But I know you're not.

[cheers and applause]

[playful music]

♪♪

[audience clapping]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

But if I really ripped you off,

I would feel I owed you a bigger trick.

[playful music]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[music stops]

[cheers and applause]

And it's a fucking good thing I knew those tricks,

because my life sucked dick.

I was like, "I need a plan."

And the one thing I could think of

was how terrified I was all the time

when I was walking on my big stilts.

Like, man, if I fall over, I'm gonna be fucked.

That's it. [chuckles]

So I called up these guys I knew

at a skateboard magazine in California.

I said, "Oh, man, I'm gonna get on my stilts

and light my whole stilt costume on fire.

I'm gonna crack open a beer and pound it

while I tip over

and splat on the concrete."

[cheers and applause]

So these guys from the skateboard magazine said,

"We will shoot that." [laughs]

They waited until I got out there to say,

"Hey, this isn't just for the skateboarding magazine.

This is for a pilot for a television show on MTV

called Jackass."

[cheers and applause]

Now when Jackasscame out,

I mean, I was fucking ready.

The first thing I did was I moved out to LA,

and when I got there we jumped on an airplane

and flew to Europe to go film a special episode

racing cars through all these countries.

Now, I knew we were gonna be in the car for five days,

so I challenged my Jackassbuddy Chris Pontius

to a friendly competition

to see who could ejaculate the most times

in the car while it was full of dudes

and driving down the road.

Those were the rules.

So the race begins in London, England.

Fireworks go off.

The cars peel out.

Pontius and I start tugging.

[laughter]

But it was broad daylight outside,

and our buddies were wide awake.

We couldn't even get boners.

But that didn't stop us.

We are yanking on our wet noodles, just giggling,

"Aah!"

And London's got all those double-decker buses,

so every one of them that goes by

everybody on the top deck is just looking right down.

"Aghh!"

And we just wouldn't quit.

We're literally sweating profusely, just drenched.

I gave myself an abrasion.

We got to the coast of England,

drove the car onto a train,

which went underneath the ocean

and spit us out into France.

Still jacking.

Car jacking.

[laughs]

Nobody was successful until we got to Belgium,

where it was the dark of night.

Pontius had fallen asleep next to me in the backseat.

Johnny Knoxville is asleep in the passenger seat

in front of me.

The producer dude was awake,

but he's driving, looking forward.

I had some privacy.

I was able to take myself on a date.

[chuckles]

And it's working, and I can feel it,

and there is so much power behind that load

after all of that tugging and trying.

When I finally blasted it into that car window,

it's a wonder I didn't break the fucking thing.

I mean, it was like I shot it

with a bunch of paintballs.

Bow-bow-bow-bow!

It was incredible, and I couldn't believe it.

I just woke up Johnny Knoxville,

"Dude, Knoxville, get up!

Grab the camera, man. Film this!"

I wanted him to hurry before it all drizzled down too far,

you know?

And so Knoxville's just filming

all this come,

panning across it while he asks,

"What's that on the window, Steve-O?"

And when he gets to me, I go,

"I don't know," you know?

So we filmed load after load.

"Pontius, what's that on your race suit?"

"Beats me," you know?

And MTV didn't end up showing

a single one.

[audience boos]

There were eight of them, by the way, all right?

We were tied four loads apiece.

But it wasn't long before I earned myself

a reputation as a guy who would do fucking anything,

back out of nothing.

But then we were filming the first movie,

and I'm supposed to shove a toy car up my ass.

I had put things in my butt.

Fireworks, chicken, fish.

I would never do that again, because I'm vegan now.

[chuckles]

But I had never really popped my butt cherry.

I didn't care.

This idea was so funny, you know?

"Doc, I don't know, I drank so much,

and my butt hurts, like, you know?

I need a..." [chuckles]

Thing was that I accidentally told my dad the idea,

and something about the way he said, "Oh, no--"

He's, like, a super successful businessman.

I know that's surprising,

but he could handle a lot of things.

A car up my butt was, like, over the line.

So I told Johnny Knoxville and the guys,

"I can't do it. I gotta back out," you know?

I said, "Instead, I think I can drink

a whole beer through my nose.

If you make me a beer bong where the hose

forks into two thinner hoses,

I'll put one in each nostril."

So they made it for me.

I showed up to the set. I poured the beer into it.

Stuck the hoses in my nose and...

[snorting]

I'm telling you, I pounded that beer so fast,

it was amazing,

but none of the other guys even giggled,

and then Knoxville said,

"That sucked.

Stick it up your ass."

[chuckles]

To which I immediately replied,

"We already established,

I don't put shit up my butt!"

Which would have got me off the hook.

If I left it there, I would've been free and clear.

But then I foolishly added,

"And it probably wouldn't work anyway."

[laughs]

But now we gotta find out if it works,

because we're scientists, you know?

So I realized I fucked myself, you know?

Literally.

And they chopped off the thinner hoses,

so I'm staring down the barrel

of a dick-thick, girthy-ass beer bong hose.

And if you think you know this story

because you saw the butt chug in the second movie,

I'll remind you, this was the first.

Nobody saw this.

I started off by getting

butt-ass dick and balls naked.

Except I kept my shoes on.

I laid down on the ground in the public parking lot

we were filming in,

and I took that beer bong hose

and I just went for it full force.

It was shocking

how easily it glided right in.

I wasn't ready for that, man!

I was mortified to have my buddies

standing around watch it go in that easy,

and I was so fucked up on drugs and alcohol

it did not even occur to me to pretend to struggle with it.

[chuckles]

No, it goes right in.

And the guys are jazzed now.

You know, they get to pouring that beer into my butthole

right away.

They're jumping up and down chanting,

"Chug, chug, chug!"

And right away I can feel that cold beer

inside my asshole... as you do.

But nothing's really happening.

You know, I tense up, I loosen up,

I wiggle around,

and then I do all of the above and kick.

Lo and behold, the level of beer drops.

My asshole took a gulp.

[chuckles]

It was amazing. The guys are going wild.

This is the greatest thing they've ever seen,

and I'm-- now I'm wiggling around,

and I'm kicking.

Sure enough, I get a rhythm going.

Ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum.

My butthole is fucking guzzling that shit, right?

But I don't know if it was because I hadn't slept.

For three days,

I had done nothing but cocaine

and wash it down with liquor.

For some reason,

as much as this beer's going in my asshole,

all this murky, yeasty, cloudy,

brown shit is coming out, like, right into the hose.

You can see it,

that beer was getting murkier and murkier.

It was like watching a Budweiser

turn into a Sam Adams.

[chuckles]

And it was so fucking disgusting

even my buddies couldn't take it.

Like, "Chug, chug," turned into, "Oh, God, oh!"

And so, like, they decided it had to stop.

Out comes the beer bong and they take it away.

I'm laying on the ground butt-naked, fully loaded,

and I giggle.

[laughs]

'Cause I can feel what's going on,

and I squeeze.

I'd say I farted,

but my butthole spit...

[chuckles]

This dark, coffee-looking shit beer.

Looked like my asshole was chewing tobacco.

[laughs]

[spits]

And I'm laughing, and like--

but then all of a sudden, I get this inspiration.

This great idea comes to me,

and I, like, wiggle up.

I go up into this crazy yoga pose, right?

Like, I mean, I'm, like, right up in the air.

My body's curled over

like I'm about to suck my own dick,

but I didn't.

I shit the rest of that beer into my own mouth.

[chuckles]

I know! I know, it's gross!

I drank shit straight from the tap.

[chuckles]

And I was, "Aah!" And I drank it.

Yeah, I drank it, you know, like--

And the most incredible thing

is that it wasn't in the movie.

I asked the director, I was like,

"Why wasn't it in the movie?"

He said, "Because it was illegal."

[laughs]

Like, I don't understand. I still don't understand.

But you get the idea, right?

At this point you can see

that I've had my problems.

I'm definitely-- [chuckles]

I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict,

but I've been clean and sober for a while now, yeah.

[cheers and applause]

It's actually been almost eight years.

[cheers and applause]

And...

And I don't know why you guys would cheer for that,

because I don't even recommend it, you know?

Right?

If you don't have to get sober, fuck it.

But I really had to, because, like,

I've been sober since Johnny Knoxville

pulled an intervention on me.

And you know you've got a fucked-up problem

when your interventionist is Johnny Knoxville.

[chuckles]

Yeah, like...

[laughs]

We have this law in California, right?

It's called 5150.

It says if you're harmful to yourself,

they can lock you up in a psychiatric ward

against your will.

So Knoxville brings, like, the whole Jackassgang over,

like, the cameraman, director, director--

all the fucking crew,

and they show up to stop me from hurting myself

after the motherfuckers helped me for ten years.

[chuckles]

The intervention that Knoxville pulled on me

wasn't my first.

It was, like, my fourth or fifth,

but the thing about the first ones

is that I hallucinated all of them.

I swear, I was doing so much drugs,

a bunch of times all these people

showed up at my apartment.

I watched them walk in.

Some of them came right through the wall.

And...

Yeah, they sat me down to have this serious talk,

and then it turned out that none of them

had ever been there at all,

and that's when you know your problem is really serious,

when your hallucinations are worried about you.

So I had to get sober, and I did.

[cheers and applause] Right.

But then it turned out that I'm a sex addict too.

[cheering]

[chuckles]

And frankly, it'd be pretty amazing

if I wasn't a sex addict

with a body like this.

[sensual music]

♪♪

[women cheering]

♪♪

[women cheering]

♪♪

♪♪

[wild cheering]

♪♪

[audience reacts]

[scattered cheers and applause]

Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Vanessa.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

You kicked my balls so hard,

I got more lemon juice in my eye.

[chuckles]

I think any guy who's been on television with any regularity

is a sex addict.

[man] Yeah!

Yeah, because there are women out there,

if they've seen you on TV

and then they spot you in real life,

they turn into baseball vendors.

"Fresh pussy!"

"Hot taco!"

"Get your beaver!"

They're fucking slinging that shit.

And they don't care if you're the guy

from the Subway commercials.

[laughter and applause]

Yeah, I know.

I'm very upset with him.

There's never been a dorkier-looking motherfucker

on television, period, ever.

And I always knew whether he was at Subway or not,

he was eating fresh.

[laughs]

[blubbering]

But then he shows up on the news

because it turns out he likes it even fresher

than I thought.

So Jackasscame out,

and I was so ready to mow down beav.

One time, early days,

I was fooling around with this girl,

and as soon as she pulled out my wiener,

she got all serious and she looked at me and said,

"I was in a bad accident."

And I'm thinking, what the fuck?

And then she says, "Get ready to have a really good time."

And then she pulled out her teeth.

[chuckles, audience reacts]

Yeah, yeah.

All of her upper front teeth

were attached to this retainer thing,

like this.

But was all of her upper front teeth.

But don't feel bad for me. [chuckles]

Because when those teeth came out, it was awesome!

I couldn't wait to tell Knoxville and the guys.

I was like, "Dudes, that girl wasn't giving me a hummer.

It was a gummer." [chuckles]

And they loved the story so much,

they tracked down a shark with no teeth

to bite me in the movie, which is why there's a scene

called "The Whale Shark Gummer."

Yeah, and I bet you thought Jackasswas shallow.

So...the third Jackass film,

I was clean and sober the whole time,

but my sex addiction was getting a little crazier.

We're promoting the movie in Texas.

You know where?

Fucking Austin.

[cheers and applause]

And I'm at this event.

I get to talking to a pretty cute girl.

I tell her, "Man, I'm ready to get the hell out of here.

You think you could give me a ride to my hotel?"

And I can tell, she's down.

She's like, "Yeah." We leave right away.

We're getting into her car.

Her two friends running through the parking lot,

"Steve-O, do you want two more girls?"

Hmm, well, I certainly didn't want to be rude.

So I get into the car with three girls.

I'm sitting in the backseat,

panicking.

The whole way to the hotel I'm just thinking,

"This is the worst possible time

to be a premature ejaculator."

Because that's me, man.

If a fucking tree falls in the woods,

you can pretty much bank on me blowing a load

before it lands.

[chuckles]

And I got a pretty good idea what's about to go down,

but I can't imagine all three girls getting a turn.

Any kind of a turn.

I can't imagine all three of them getting a glimpse

of my dick without it exploding.

So right away, I start concentrating.

"Grandma taking a shit." [chuckles]

I'm so stressed out.

We get back to my hotel.

I open up the door to my room.

We all walk in.

I get on the bed with the original girl,

while the two extra girls are just lurking in the doorway

like bouncers.

The less beautiful extra girl

says to the more beautiful extra girl...

"So, like, are we here to cock block

or are we stepping in?"

Exact words.

The more beautiful extra girl points at the bed and says,

"Get in there and make yourself useful."

[cheering]

So I'm laying there.

I feel these two hands

lightly tickling their way

up my legs.

They're getting closer and closer.

I'm thinking, "Why are you doing that?

Fucking stop!"

I'm starting to think nobody's gonna get a turn.

Like, the opportunity of a lifetime is about to vanish

with my boxers glued to my left leg.

And then out comes my wiener.

And the less beautiful extra girl

starts giving me the toothiest blowjob

you ever heard of.

Aghh-aghh-aghh-aghh!

It was like a fucking crocodile

was trying to suck my dick.

I looked down, and she's got it in a death roll.

Gah!

And I'm laying there thinking, "Fuck yeah!

She's keeping me in the game!"

[cheers and applause]

It was like Shark Week on my dick,

and that was what I needed.

But then it wasn't her turn anymore.

So now the more beautiful extra girl,

she starts sucking my wiener,

and she's doing way too good of a job.

So I freaked out and I shoved her off.

"Aah!"

As quick as I could, I got my dick

back into the jaws of hell.

Gah-aah-aah-aah!

I was so thankful

for having an ugly-ass girl

chewing on my schlong.

It was a miracle. All three girls got a turn.

So now the original girl, she takes over,

and, like, I can't hold out anymore.

So I just said it,

"I'm gonna come!"

But I didn't say it like that.

I said,

"Aghh-aah-aah!"

Because you gotta say something.

If you don't say anything, that is rude.

I will tell you why it is so important to alert a lady.

Because one time I blew a load into a girl's mouth

with no warning at all.

Not even a courtesy grunt.

[laughs]

And she held it in her mouth.

She came back up and went to give me a kiss.

[audience groans]

And she fucking spit that shit into mymouth!

[cheers and applause]

And I swallowed it!

No, I did not.

That was a lie.

I did not swallow it.

That was when I found out I'm a spitter.

[spitting]

But it was in there long enough

for me to know what it tastes like.

It tastes like shame.

[laughs]

That mouthful of my own come

was the second worst thing that ever happened to me

during an intimate encounter,

and I will tell you the first.

I brought a stripper home from the titty bar.

Came up with the genius idea to eat her pussy.

[audience groans] [man] Yeah!

I got down there and I could tell

she had been working very hard that night.

[audience groans, laughs]

Maybe even squeezed in an hour of hot yoga.

[chuckles]

I felt like I was making out

with a pile of sweaty nickels.

[audience groans, laughs]

It was like I was using my tongue

to scrape mold out of a broken refrigerator.

[audience groans]

But that's not what made it so bad.

There I was licking her sweaty, stinky pussy,

and she farted. [chuckles]

[audience reacts]

I swear, and that fart did not sound like,

"Poot."

That fucking fart sounded like,

"Ssss."

It was a fucking steamer.

I could feel the heat.

And as soon as it was over,

I never looked her in the eye ever again.

Not any eye, you know?

Buttholes.

Real quick, let's talk about ass fucking.

[chuckles]

I never understood the philosophy

of sticking your dick up someone's ass,

but one night...

[laughs]

I was like, you know, with a lady,

feeling adventurous.

I lubed up my finger with some spit.

[chuckles]

I worked it into her butthole,

and would you believe it,

I found a terrorist in the cave.

Something was poking back.

It was a piece of shit.

Totally loaded chamber.

The train had not left the station.

Now I'm older,

and at a certain point it seems like

running around trying to scam on chicks

becomes kinda pathetic, you know?

I decided if I'm gonna be happy in my life,

I need to learn how to be in a healthy relationship.

All right, how many of you guys are in relationships?

[cheers and applause]

All right.

- You guys got kids? - No.

Yeah, fuck that, right?

[laughter and cheering]

I've always been pretty sure that having kids isn't for me.

[chuckles]

One time I was getting super drunk

with the incredibly beautiful, amazing

Kat Von D.

[cheers and applause]

We were cracking up over how dumb we think it is

to throw your life away like that, you know, by having kids.

So I said, "Wouldn't it be funny if I got a tattoo

of a baby with a circle

and a slash going through it?"

Like a "no babies" sign.

We thought it was funny, but we just kept drinking.

We're on South Beach doing shots.

All of a sudden the idea turns into a tattoo that says,

"Fuck babies."

[chuckles]

And that is funny.

But we just kept drinking,

obviously way too much,

because we wound up at the Miami Ink tattoo parlor

where I got a tattoo of a guy fucking a baby.

[audience groans]

I know, it was really upsetting,

because those artists were so skilled.

[chuckles]

There was no mistaking

what was going on in that picture.

Down to the tears flying out of the baby's eyes.

[audience groans]

And as soon as I got done

getting my baby-fucking tattoo,

I stepped outside.

The first people coming down the sidewalk,

all excited to see me.

I said, "Check out my new tattoo."

And even as drunk as I was,

the look of fucking horror on their faces

told me I made a big mistake.

I couldn't live with it.

It wasn't long before I showed up at another parlor,

and I said, "Give me that thing."

I took the tattoo gun myself

and I drilled over that baby

until I turned it into a mysterious black blob.

And then I showed it to my Jackassbuddy Bam.

He took one look at it, he said,

"You should turn that blob into an ostrich."

[chuckles]

[laughter and applause]

When your cover-up tattoo

is a guy fucking an ostrich,

that's when you know you started off

with something pretty rotten, you know?

But I don't even have to think about having kids

if I can't be in a healthy relationship.

So one day I decided, man, you know what?

It's time to get to work on becoming the man

that the love of my life deserves,

and I started by promising myself

when I'm on the road from here on out,

no more fooling around with random chicks.

[scattered laughter]

[woman] Aww.

[laughter]

[man] Yeah!

But everywhere I went, something popped up.

And it got really hard, you know,

to, like, turn down opportunities.

Like the first trip I went on, Toronto,

and there I was just minding my own business

in the titty bar...

[chuckles]

And this beautiful little 19-year-old stripper

with huge real boobs just comes beelining it for me,

and she sticks her perfect little tushy right in my face.

And when I look at it I can see she's got

my autograph tattooed on her butt cheek.

[man] Yeah!

And it's not easy to turn down a piece of ass

with your name on it.

Everywhere I went, I broke my promise it seemed like,

until it got to a point where I was like,

"I have a problem," and I started seeing a sex therapist.

I asked him to help me change my ways,

and he says, "Okay, on your next trip to Mississippi

with the big show in the casino,

as soon as it's over, go back to your hotel room

by yourself and call me up to check in."

So that's what I did.

I did the show, back to my room,

and I called him up, and I said,

"Hey, man, thank you so much for being there for me."

And then I hung up the phone and left.

[laughs]

You know when you're on a diet,

all you can think about is food?

It was like I turned into a werewolf on the prowl

for a fur burger.

I went back down to the casino,

I was, "Aghh-aah-aah!"

Stalking prey.

But all I saw was just disgusting-looking people

smoking cigarettes on slot machines.

"Aah, aah, gah-gah!"

And I'm like, "This isn't gonna work."

So I went back up to my hotel room

and I got on Twitter.

I'm thinking there's got to be a female in the area

who just sent me a message

saying that she wants to hook up right now,

and there was totally a message like that.

But it came from somebody who had no profile picture.

Just a fucking egg.

And you know you might be a sex addict

when you invite that fucking person to your hotel room,

which is what I did.

I sent a private message with my room number.

It said, "Come on over."

[laughs]

As soon as I hit send, I was like,

"What the fuck did I just do?

What did I just order to my room?"

Sure enough, a little while later...

I'm hiding behind the bed, holding my breath,

thinking if I just pretend I'm not here,

that person will leave.

But I was way too curious to do that.

So I tiptoe over.

When I look through the peephole I'm like,

"No way! She's not that bad!"

I mean, she wasn't exactly good.

[chuckles]

But at this point, I don't care.

I open up the door, I was like,

"Come on in. This is great.

Maybe we'll watch a movie."

So we get on the bed and I ask her, "What do you do?"

She says, "I'm a webcam whore."

Part of me's thinking, "This is terrible.

What am I doing?"

And the other part of me's thinking,

"Webcam whore. Cool.

This'll be a slam dunk."

So I get confident

and right away I start stroking her hair,

but she wants to keep talking about being a webcam whore.

And it gets really creepy when she says,

"Guys can be pretty mean,

'cause when I take off my top,

I have horrible scars all over my boobs

from a botched boob job."

Part of me's thinking,

"All bad! Abort mission!"

But the other part of me's thinking,

"I am a premature ejaculator,

and those scars could help a lot.

So let's just see how fucked up these tits really are.

Maybe I'll last longer."

And that's what happened. [chuckles]

But it was incomprehensibly demoralizing.

Here I was doing exactly what I promised myself

over and over and over that I wouldn't do,

and now I'm doing it with Frankentits.

[laughs]

Like, how low can I go?

So I go back home to my sex therapist,

tell him what happened, and he says,

"Man, it's really clear, you need to become sexually sober,

and it's important that you start

with a period of abstinence, total celibacy,

which means you don't even jack off."

Yeah, shit just got real. [chuckles]

Like, you don't even jack off?

I love jacking off!

I got a crooked-ass dick to prove it.

Right?

I think it's natural for guys to have crooked dicks,

but women don't necessarily understand why.

A lot of guys are thinking, "Shut the fuck up, Steve-O!

Fucking drop that shit."

But I'm gonna tell you, ladies,

because I'm right-handed,

my dick always looks like it's impatiently waiting

for a bus that's coming from that direction.

[laughter and applause]

It's on that angle right there.

It's because I love jacking off,

and I got this guy telling me I gotta stop.

He says, "Let's just try 30 days, no masturbating."

And I'm like, "Man, I want to have a good life."

So I gave it hell.

When I got to three days,

if you think quitting cigarettes or drugs

makes people grumpy-- [laughs]

When I got to seven days, I could not be trusted

with a laptop computer for any reason at all.

Then there I was on day 11,

alone in the bathtub.

Just washing up.

And the line between hygiene and romance

got a little bit blurry.

Turned out I accidentally seduced myself.

[moaning]

And when I blew that 11-day load, aah,

I felt like I was having a fucking heart attack, man!

Fucking water's flying everywhere.

I glued my own eyes shut.

Aah!

And it was amazing, man.

Eleven days, wow.

But I was devastated.

I broke my promise again!

And now I'm in despair. I think there's no hope for me.

I got ambitious, man.

I said, "You know what, I'm gonna go for a whole year.

No fooling around, no jacking off.

No nuttin'.

Not one nut for a whole year."

And when Johnny Knoxville found out about this little plan,

he was concerned to the point of fucking furious.

He says, "You trying to get prostate cancer?"

And I was like, "Dude, Knoxville, man,

I'm putting sure if jacking off

was the cure for prostate cancer,

like, nobody would have it."

[chuckles]

We would've never heard of it.

I wasn't worried about prostate cancer,

but you're probably thinking,

"But why would you go for a whole year

without blowing a load?"

And it was so simple to me.

I was like, "Because when it's time for me

to be with that special woman,

she deserves to know that I could go that long."

And I'm thinking, "When it's time for me

to be with that woman,

she better wear a fucking poncho, man!"

It'll look like a fucking Nickelodeon awards show, man!

Like, "Aah, aah, aah!"

Either that or a humungous marshmallow will fall out.

But one way or another,

we are talking Ghostbusters,man.

But how am I gonna stay on the path

with all these beautiful women coming to see me?

I did the only thing I could.

I hired a professional cock blocker.

Where are you at, Scott Randolph?

Yeah, man!

Yeah!

How many of you guys know this dude?

[cheers and applause]

All right.

Scott and I have been traveling together

for, like, two years now, which begs the question:

Did you pull it or did you didn't pull it?

[laughs]

I pulled it off. I mean, I didn't, you know?

I went a whole year, you know.

In hindsight all I really accomplished

was I was exceptionally grumpy and mean for a year.

You know?

So now I am a dog and cat rescuing,

meditating, hybrid driving,

clean and sober, vegan...

[cheers and applause]

Who is adamant

about not getting his dick sucked.

[cheers and applause]

So...

Here's what's gonna happen,

and it's gonna be super fucked up, okay?

I don't want you guys thinking I've turned into a total pussy.

This is where we make television history.

[laughing] Okay?

[cheers and applause]

[percussive music]

♪♪

Let me introduce, again,

top UFC fighter,

American Army Ranger

and sniper, Tim Kennedy.

[cheers and applause]

Epic television producer,

Sam Macaroni.

[cheers and applause]

My professional cock blocker,

who I bring on tour with me everywhere I go,

so don't even try it, ladies!

That man will take a fucking bullet for this dick.

All right, let's see the device.

That's the device, okay.

It doesn't look that bad.

Oh, God.

That device is gonna shoot darts out of it,

and the darts are connected to wires.

Through the wires will go 50,000 volts.

Tim Kennedy, can you explain how this thing works?

Uh, electricity.

It--it sucks.

So police officers, when they're like,

"Get on the ground or I'm gonna shoot you,"

and they shoot you, that's for five seconds.

This is 30 seconds.

[audience reacts]

While that happens, Sam Macaroni...

We're gonna see how many questions he can answer

in 30 seconds while being electrocuted!

[cheers and applause]

All right, do you have the proper distance, Tim?

Do you feel okay?

[cheering] No.

Okay, great! That's awesome!

Three, two, one.

[screams]

[audience reacts]

What's your name?

Steve-O.

Are you a fucking badass?

Yes, yes, yes.

How big is your dick?

Big. No, not big.

How big is Tim's dick?

I don't know.

Where are we right now?

Austin.

[cheers and applause]

[cheering]

[cheering]

Oh, my God.

Steve-O, do you love these fucking people?

[cheers and applause]

Do you people love Steve-O?

[cheers and applause]

Austin, I love you!

Thank you so much!

[cheers and applause]

[driving rock music]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[electricity humming]