Original subtitles

-[intercom buzzes] -RIP: Agatha,

I'm ready for my 4:00.

-Saltine. -[exhales sharply]

You got this.

[breathes deeply]

Ah, Saltine. Please, have a seat.

What brings you in today?

Rip, you've taught me so much

about archaeology,

from paleoethnobotany to lidar mapping methodology,

but I think now I'm ready for the next step.

So, what do I need to do to be promoted

from assistant arky to full-blown professional arky?

Well, actually, Saltine,

it's not up to me.

[slurping]

[slurping continues]

[sighs]

It's time to let you in on one of archaeology's

most closely guarded secrets.

In order to become officially licensed,

you must complete the Arky Trials.

Da heck?

I've taken a solemn oath, so I can't divulge mucho,

but do know this: The Trials are a series

of treacherous tests you must pass

to prove you have what it takes

to be an arky.

And as your role model and sole heir...

Who else would I leave my cat to?

...it pains me to say, I don't think you're ready.

What? But this is all I've ever wanted, Rip.

The stakes are higher than you think.

For if you fail,

you can never attempt the Trials again.

-I won't fail. -Your confidence

is admirable, but you still have much to be-learn.

-[yelps] -But also know this:

If you go now, you'll miss our fresh

and very fertile new assignment from the Chess Museum.

[gasps] I love chess.

I know. But if you do the Arky Trials,

I'll have to bring Swooper as my assistant instead.

Oh. That smarts, but it's worth it.

I want to do the Arky Trials,

even if you don't think I'm ready.

Very well. Then let it be so.

Agatha, you can send in my 4:15.

-[grumbles] -Oh, shit.

-This is gonna be bad, isn't it? -[grunts]

♪ ♪

Be forewarned, Swooper. This guy runs a chess museum,

so he's probably kind of a nerd.

Welcome to the Chess Museum,

where even a pawn is treated like a king.

[whispering]: Told you. Nikki Finke, RIP.

So, Magnus, what's this about a special chess piece?

On the phone, that's what you said,

so that's why I'm fucking asking about it.

Ah, yes. When the original chess set was built

in the sixth century, it included all the game pieces

you know today.

But there was one more: The God Piece.

Wow. And why should I care?

[laughing]: Wow, Swooper. Hilarious attitude much?

The God Piece is allowed to move

anywhere on the chessboard at any time.

Only one was ever crafted,

but it was deemed too powerful and hidden away forever.

Some say it resides on the ocean floor.

Others agree, and I, myself,

side with the former.

Oh, my goggles.

I'm trying to be just like Saltine.

I appreciate the attempt, but that's wholly unnecessary.

Okay. I love you.

Oh, wow. That's super nice. Thank you.

I'd like you to find the God Piece so I can unveil it

at the upcoming international chess tournament in Helsinki.

Think of all the terrific publicity it would bring

to the great game of chess.

To say nothing of your museum, right, Magnus?

[laughs] Guilty as charged, Mr. Digman.

But I must warn you,

chess players are cutthroat.

They will do anything to claim this piece for their own.

Understood. And to be honest, immediately ignored.

Okay, Swooper. Let the hunt, hyah, begin!

[whale bellows]

[Rip and Swooper shouting]

[approaching shouting]

[grunts]

I got the God Piece!

Let's head on back to the Chess Museum.

-[phone ringing] -That's me.

Agatha, we got the piece.

AGATHA: That's great, but I'm calling about

something even more urgent.

There's a Make-A-Wish kid named Ringo

who wants to meet you.

He says you're his favorite arky.

Aw.

Unfortunately, the little guy

doesn't have much time left.

He's going to kick the bucket soon.

Understood. I'll chart a course

to the withering lad, tout de suite.

As I've always said, I'll do anything for a fan.

[whimpers]

♪ ♪

Wow.

-TRISKET: Hey, Saltine. -[gasps]

Trisket. You're doing the Arky Trials, too?

Yeah, I can't wait for them to get started.

I'm gonna be like, "Kra-cha."

Yeah, and then I'll be like, "Skwa-boof."

Oh, man. We have such titillating rapport.

This is great. I was really worried

that I wouldn't be able to make it through this alone,

but with you here, I'm sure

we'll pass the Trials easy-peasy.

YORBO: May silence reign on your tongues!

My name is Yorbo,

and I'd like to formally extend you

the warmest of welcomes...

to hell!

-[gasps] -This will be the most

brutal week of your life.

Most of you will fail.

And a few of those fails will even be...

-epic! -[gasps]

An arky must be willing to sacrifice everything

to find an artifact--

your personal relationships,

your family, your friends, even

your acquaintances.

[moaning] Oh.

Do I make my ancient,

fuzzy, purple self clear?

-ALL: Sir, yes, sir. -You, what's your name?

Sir, Douglas, sir.

Douglas, eh?

No, I think I'll call you "Mr. Shit."

-Sir, yes, sir. -And you,

with the only-child vibes,

those are mighty thick glasses.

Can you see without them?

-Sir, no, sir. -Would you die without them?

-Sir, I might, sir. -Sounds like you're

pretty obsessed with your glasses.

In that case, I'm gonna call you "Miss Shit!"

Seemed like he was gearing up for a glasses name.

Silence! Hate whispering!

Now, let the Arky Trials... begin!

AGATHA: Rip, I'd like you to meet Ringo.

Hey, buddy. I heard it was your dying wish to meet me.

Yes, sir, it was. [coughs]

Aw, that's so nice.

So, Ringo, I don't mean to be rude,

but when do you think you're gonna bite the dust?

I head to the electric chair next week.

[grunting]

I got to say, when people said

you were gonna die soon,

I totally thought it was gonna be

from a terminal illness

and not because you're on death row.

[chuckles] Yeah, I get that a lot.

I'm glad you came anyway.

I guess it's true what they say.

You would do anything for a fan.

I mean, traditionally, yes,

but what did you do to end up on death row?

I was framed for the murder of a priest.

-Been there. -Same.

And even though I'm innocent,

there's only one lawyer who can get me off:

Harvey Greco.

-The Harvey Greco? -The Harvey Greco?

He's, like, the best lawyer ever.

Well, duh. He's never lost a case.

But sadly, my family can't afford Mr. Greco.

He charges $800,008 for his services. [cries]

So his bono isn't pro?

This is why I'm never having kids.

I just wish we could do something.

Wait a second. If we use

the chess piece to win $800,008,

we can save little Ringo and then return it to the museum.

Won't we get in trouble using the piece to make money?

They said to bring it straight back, remember?

Yes, but much like blow-drying my hair in the shower,

it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Now, hit that gas pedal.

We got a fan to save.

Your first trial is a course.

Easy. I've been on many courses.

Even ones filled with obstacles? Begin.

YORBO: An arky must be determined.

-I got you. -YORBO: An arky must be strong.

[yelps]

An arky must be agile.

An arky must feel no pain.

An arky must be able

-to dodge boulders. -[gasps]

Uh... yes!

[groans] Think, Saltine, think.

[grunting] As I've always said, Saltine,

never underestimate the importance of a stick.

[yelling]

[panting]

-[sighs] -TRISKET: Saltine.

Trisket, no.

The boulder part got me.

[groans] How am I gonna get through this without a friend?

I hope the hardest part is behind me.

Oh, it has just begun, child.

[laughs] Damn, I rock!

Did you guys see that new pigeon lady? Kind of hot.

RIP: Pardonnez-moi, gentlemen.

I have here a crisp Ulysses for any one of you fish

who can defeat my friend Swooper on the grand grid.

I'll take you up on that.

Wait, is that the God Piece?

-It's the God Piece. -Unbelievable.

We will just accept this.

Oh, damn.

Checkmate.

[laughs] He fucked you up, you piece of shit.

I'll take that.

Now, which one of you fish is next?

We're not leaving this park until we make $800,008.

Hey, if you want to make some real money,

you should go to Vegas. Chess is huge there.

Vegas, you say?

Yes, I do.

♪ ♪

BOTH: Yeah!

♪ I've got to gamble on the odds ♪

[laughing]

♪ I'm betting wagers on my bets ♪

[laughing]

♪ The odds are stacking up ♪

♪ So put your gambles on your bets ♪

♪ It's Vegas, baby ♪

♪ And I'm moving and shaking around. ♪

An arky must learn to stomach

that which is repulsive to others.

So, for this challenge, you must eat

monkey brains!

-Huh. -That's not too bad.

You know, it's actually a delicacy

in some parts of the world.

Oh, really? Even when

they're covered in...

Southwest Suicide Atomic Hot Sauce?!

Its Scoville rating is off the chart.

[laughs] Bon appétit.

-[sizzles] -[gags]

Oh, my God. I don't think I can do this.

AGATHA: Enjoy.

I worked really hard on this,

and it will hurt my feelings tremendously

if you don't eat it.

Now, I'm gonna go wash my hands, since I forgot

to do that earlier, before I made the meal,

which was right after I took a shit.

Bye.

[groans] Swooper.

How can you eat that?

Easy. There's a trick.

What's your favorite thing to eat, Saltine?

Ah, hard-boiled egg in a bag.

So just disassociate, pretend that's what you're eating

instead of Agatha's nasty casserole.

Hmm.

[munching]

[swallows] Done.

Hmm. Very well done.

But also, you're nasty.

[thunder crashing]

An arky must be fearless, so for this trial,

you shall confront

that which you fear most

in the Cave of Your Worst Fears!

Out of my way. I'm not afraid of anything.

What do you fear most?

Failing to achieve my dream of becoming an arky.

No, like something in the animal kingdom with eight legs.

-An octopus. -No!

-Land-based, not sea-based! -Two chairs.

There's no way you're scared of two chairs.

-Aah! Spiders. -[gasps] Wait.

Are there gonna be spiders in there?

-Your turn. -[whimpers]

I fucking hate Yorbo.

-[spiders chittering] -Aah! Chelicerata!

Hey, Saltine. Apropos of nothing,

if you ever find yourself in a cave full of spiders,

the best way to get through it is to embrace your fear.

Anyways, back to watching BTS of the film Prometheus.

What?

Must... embrace... my fear.

Okay, they're touching me. Ew. Ew. Ew.

I mean, fine. Fine.

Very good. Awesome. Love it. These are my friends.

CASHIER: $800,007. $800,008.

Wow. Harvey Greco's exact fee. There you go.

-[Fleety grunts] -Well, we did it.

I'm so relieved we can get back to our normal life now.

Ah, Rip Digman.

Here for the private, high-rollers chess game?

Nope. We were just leaving. Bye.

Aw, too bad. You know, I figured

a couple of hotshots like you should definitely be playing.

I know we accomplished the mission, and we have the money,

but he called me a hotshot, so we're staying.

Fleety, take the bags back up to the room.

[Fleety grunts]

♪ ♪

An arky must know everything about history.

So your next trial is...

...sort of an independent study thing.

You will each select one topic to research

and then present your findings to your class.

That seems pretty easy compared to the other trials.

You deliver your presentation while escaping

-from quicksand. -Ugh, there it is.

Does anyone know what they want to study?

Ooh, I do. Chess.

Yeah, fine. Sure.

Wow. We are in rare air, my friends.

I know it's so cliché to say this

at the end of a chess match, but checkmate.

-I'm ruined. -Who's next?

-I'll take that action. -Swooper.

Well, you'll be no match for me. No offense,

but you just look stupid.

None taken.

[chuckles] Your turn.

-Checkmate. -[cries out]

Way to go, Swooper. Oh, man.

Coming up here was a great idea, and I foresee no downside.

-[door opens] -[Rip gasps]

-Give us the God Piece. -[grunts]

Well, that was unforeseen.

-Oh, man. We fucked up! -We're sorry!

I know. I haven't seen a mistake like this

since Bronstein versus Botvinnik in 1951.

-We feared you'd say that. -We feared you'd say that.

The God Piece has wound up in the hands

of the ruthless Russian mobster Evgeny Dogovich.

If he perishes, he perishes.

Well, I guess that's it. Our check has been mated.

No. A dying kid's life is at stake here.

But Rip, where are we gonna come up with another $800,008?

The grand prize for the upcoming international chess tournament

in Helsinki is $800,000.

I mean, we'd still be eight bucks short,

but yeah, anything helps, I guess.

It's a moot point.

There's no way I can beat Evgeny when he's got the God Piece.

Actually, there is, inside my vault.

-[chirps] -[door whooshes]

The God's Wife Piece.

-Wow. -[gasps]

MAGNUS: It was created alongside the God Piece

and has the same powers. I've owned it for years,

but was waiting to find the God Piece

before putting them both on display.

Stunning, isn't she?

-She has a rolling pin? -Yes.

That's unfortunate, but it was a different time.

Swooper, you must take this

and enter the tournament in Helsinki.

I will do thy bidding, my master.

-Uh... -Oh, Swooper,

you don't need to do that.

He's still new at this. Get up.

♪ ♪

DOREEN DONKER JR.: Welcome back

to the international chess tournament

where Swooper Goodfly and Evgeny Dogovich are dominating.

-[laughs] -[audience cheers]

-[laughs] -And it seems inevitable that

these two will face each other in the finals.

Hmm. Wait a second.

Oh, my goggles.

-Yorbo! -[yells]

I was doing my research,

and look what I discovered.

If the God Piece and the God's Wife Piece come together,

they'll create a supercharged energy field so powerful

it could kill everyone in the arena.

Including my friends.

I have to leave now if I'm gonna make it in time.

Leave? Why not just call them and tell them?

I tried, but I can't get through.

I postulate that the diametrically opposed polarities

of the two pieces...

I don't care about the specifics.

-Boy, you're a chatterbox. No! -So I got to go.

-[yells] -Your training is not complete.

You've yet to master the whip.

-I have to save my friends. -Do you dare forget,

Miss Shit, that arkies must be willing

to sacrifice their personal relationships

for the pursuit of the artifact?

If being an arky means turning my back on the people I love,

then I guess I don't want to be an arky after all.

That's crazy talk. Blech!

Be gone with you, child.

I'm sorry, Yorbo. I have to do this.

She had such promise, Lord Yorbo.

It's a shame she'll never become an arky.

No. There is... another way.

♪ ♪

How does that feel? Good?

Stop everything!

-Saltine? -What are you doing here?

I had to leave The Trials to warn you.

You can't play the God's Wife Piece.

-Why not? -Here's what I know.

-[audience cheering] -The greatest chess players

from around the world are here to watch this match.

And here come our finalists.

HOWARD TOE: Oh, and there's the God Piece.

DOREEN: Swooper's brought out the God's Wife Piece.

-No. -[audience gasping]

DOREEN: Wait a second. It looks like...

Is Swooper Goodfly going to play without God's Wife?

If I win, I want to win fair and square.

♪ ♪

[audience gasping]

If he play without special piece,

I play without special piece.

HOWARD: This is so touching.

Now, let's see these two masters play

without their pieces of mass destruction.

On your mark. Get set. Chess!

Uh, sorry. Who goes first?

-I think the horsey. -No, no, I mean white or black?

Oh, after you, kind sir.

No, white has to go first. Always.

-Sure, no worries. -All right.

HOWARD: It's becoming clear that neither of these men

are actual chess masters, and instead, we're going

to be forced to watch two amateurs bungle their way

through the most prestigious match in the sport.

No. Wait. I want to go here instead.

Yeah, go for it, buddy.

Illegal move. Evgeny is disqualified.

Swooper Goodfly, you are the chess champion of the world.

-[audience clamoring] -Yes! Rip, we did it!

-You won. Yeah! [laughs] -You go, Swooper!

I want to thank my girlfriend, Cornelia. And Ringo.

This is for you, buddy.

This is all for you, buddy.

Actually, it's all for me. [laughs]

Magnus, be careful.

Those two pieces can cause unthinkable destruction.

Yes, I'm quite aware. You might even say it's my endgame.

Oh, okay. Still bad, but at least we're clear on that.

-[laughing maniacally] -Magnus has harnessed

the energy field and turned himself into a super weapon.

It's dark magic. Shoot him!

[gunfire]

-[yells] -[laughs]

Your gambit failed, Evgeny.

-[Evgeny groaning] -[audience gasping]

-[laughing] -RIP: Oh, my God!

Magnus, why would you do this?

It's quite simple, Mr. Digman.

There are two kinds of nerds-- smart nerds and gross nerds.

Yeah, everyone knows that.

And you're a smart nerd. A chess dude.

Wrong. I am and have always been a gross nerd.

-[laughing] -Oh, crap!

I smell bad. I say off-putting things.

I rip loud burps in public.

I pull my pants all the way down when I pee.

I pick my butt. I have a booger collection.

It all goes back to my childhood.

Every day, the jocks would beat up the smart nerds,

and then those smart nerds would come beat me up.

I swore I'd have my revenge,

and now, I shall.

This arena is filled with the smartest nerds in the world.

-But not for long. -[electrical crackling]

-[laughing] -Stop! You go through with this,

you're not just gonna kill the smart nerds you despise.

You're also going to kill your friends.

Friends? I don't have any friends.

Magnus, that's not true.

What about us? We're your friends.

Really? So, would you like to come see my booger collection?

Ew. No way. That's sick, dude.

Okay, that's it. Time for everybody to die.

-[electrical crackling] -[Magnus laughing]

MAGNUS: Die! Die!

-[gasps] -[Magnus laughs]

YORBO: An arky must be able to dodge boulders.

-[gasps] -[people screaming]

[metallic creaking]

-[Saltine groans] -[Fleety gasps]

YORBO: An arky must be strong.

[groaning]

-Take that, you smart nerds! -Magnus!

-[grunts] -[growls]

Oh, no. He's gonna burp!

-Everybody, brace yourselves! -[burps loudly]

YORBO: An arky must learn to stomach

that which is repulsive to others.

Magnus, from one nerd to another,

you can't just be a disgusting freak

and expect unconditional acceptance.

If you want to have a positive effect on people,

you have to let yourself be affected by them.

And I should know, because all that awesome stuff I just did,

I learned from my friends.

[burping]

I suppose you have a point.

Yeah, and I also have... spiders.

Why? You had already won me over with your words.

[whimpering]

And there you have it.

A disgusting nerd's revenge plan immediately goes south,

and he's once again put in his place.

I'm Howard Toe broadcasting live

from the international chess tournament probably

for the last time.

-[intercom buzzes] -RIP: Agatha, send in my 11:00.

Saltine, you can head in.

Saltine, have a seat.

I want you to know that I appreciate

you sacrificing your dream of becoming an arky

to make sure I live to breathe another day.

You are-- and I'm sorry if this isn't woke--

one heck of a gal.

Thanks, Rip.

Guys, great news.

Harvey Greco did it!

Ringo's sentence was overturned. He's free. Let's go!

-All right! -All right. Who's Ringo?

I'm so happy for you, Ringo. You're finally free.

Thank you, Rip. You saved my life.

Oh!

I did it, you know.

I killed that priest.

And I'm gonna do it again.

What? Ringo, no.

Oh, yes. And you helped me get away with it.

You know why I chose you, Rip, above everybody else?

Because you'd do anything for a fan, bless your heart.

Well, I guess it's official.

Our justice system is flawed!

That's what this was about!

Chirp.

♪ MTV. ♪