Original subtitles

[BELLS RINGING]

[ENGINE REVS]

[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]

>> � IF THE LORD

WERE ALIVE TODAY

WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM

THIS CHRISTMAS?

WHAT DO YOU GIVE SOMEONE

WHO HAS EVERYTHING AND MORE? �

>> � HE CAN HEAL THE SICK

SO DON'T GIVE HIM THE LAST RITES

HE CAN WALK ON WATER

DON'T GIVE HIM OUR SUPPORT �

>> � EVERY TIME YOU HEAR A BELL

AN ANGEL BURNS IN HELL �

>> � IF THE LORD

WERE ALIVE TODAY

WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM

THIS CHRISTMAS?

GIVE HIM A $20 GIFT CERTIFICATE

AT PIZZA JOE'S �

>> MERRY CRUSTMAS

FROM PIZZA JOE'S.

HO HO HO.

>> AND NOW BACK TO THE JOYOUS

SOUNDS OF CHRISTMAS.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

>> � ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

IS MY TWO FRONT EYES

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS... �

>> OREL, MOVE!

>> OREL, FOR GOODNESS SAKE,

DO WHATEVER HE WANTS

SO HE WON'T SCREAM ANYMORE.

>> BUT, MOM, I'M ALL

THE WAY OVER.

>> PRAISE THE LORD, WE'RE HERE.

>> � ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

IS MY TWO FRONT EYES

BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN

A GOOD ENOUGH BOY �

>> I'D LIKE TO WISH A VERY

SPECIAL FIRST MERRY CHRISTMAS TO

OUR JEWS FOR JESUS FRIENDS.

YOU KNOW, DURING THIS JOYOUS

SEASON, IT IS EASY TO FORGET THE

TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS.

WHAT CHRISTMAS IS REALLY ABOUT

IS THE BIRTH OF THAT CUTE LITTLE

BABY WHO WOULD GROW UP TO DIE

AN UNBELIEVABLY HORRIBLE DEATH

FOR OUR SINS.

YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.

>> JESUS.

>> OUR SAVIOR, BORN FROM AN

ATTRACTIVE VIRGIN NAMED MARY.

JESUS WAS AN UNPLANNED BIRTH

THAT REALLY MADE A NAME

FOR ITSELF.

LIKE, IF JOSEPH REFUSED TO LET

THE BABY GROW WITHIN MARY,

WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS BUILDING

WOULD BE RIGHT NOW.

MAYBE EVEN A SYNAGOGUE.

>> [COLLECTIVE GASP]

>> BUT BECAUSE JOSEPH HAD THE

MORAL GOODNESS TO RAISE THE

SURPRISE, WE ARE SAFE AND WARM

HERE IN A PROTESTANT CHURCH.

AMEN AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHURCHY.

REVEREND PUTTY?

>> YES, OREL?

>> I AGREE WITH YOU THAT IT WAS

GOOD THAT THEY DIDN'T KILL THE

BABY JESUS BEFORE HE WAS BORN.

>> OH, YOU THINK SO, CAPTAIN?

>> UH-HUH, BUT IT'S STILL TOO

BAD THAT GROWNUP JESUS HAD TO

DIE EVEN THOUGH HE WASN'T

AS CUTE.

>> OH, HE'LL BE BACK.

>> REALLY?

>> YEP.

IN FACT, HE MAY ALREADY BE HERE.

THERE MIGHT BE A LITTLE CHILD

RIGHT NOW RUNNING AROUND

SOMEWHERE WHO'S THE

SECOND COMING.

>> COOL.

THE SECOND COMING.

>> BUT THIS TIME,

HE WON'T BE AS NICE.

>> HEY, OREL, MOVE!

>> SORRY, SHAPE!

BYE, REVEREND!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, OREL.

>> MM-HMM.

THERE WE GO.

>> ONE LAST TOUCH.

>> CAN I THIS YEAR, DAD?

>> HMM?

WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE

OLD ENOUGH.

>> [SNIFFS]

MMM.

IT SMELLS LIKE A WHOLE FOREST OF

LEMONS AND HAIRSPRAY.

>> [SNIFFS]

MMM.

THAT IT DOES.

OK, TIME FOR BED, BOYS.

SANTA'S COMING SOON, AND HE

KNOWS KIDS WHO STAY UP LATE

ARE JERKS.

>> NO!

>> OREL, TEND TO YOUR BROTHER.

>> AND TRY TO KEEP HIM QUIET

OR HE'LL WAKE THE NEIGHBORS.

>> YES, MOM.

>> GOOD NIGHT.

>> GOOD NIGHT.

>> NO!

AAH!

>> ARE YOU DECENT?

>> HOLD ON.

OK.

>> WELL, THAT WAS A MORTIFYING

SERMON TODAY.

>> OH, COME ON.

CAN'T WE HAVE ONE GOOD NIGHT?

>> YOU KNOW THE REVEREND WAS

REFERRING TO YOU NOT

WANTING SHAPEY.

>> THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

HOW WOULD HE EVEN KNOW?

>> DON'T BE AN IDIOT.

EVERYONE KNOWS YOU

DIDN'T WANT HIM.

>> YEAH, WELL, I HAD MY REASONS.

I THINK IT'S KINDA STRANGE THAT

I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER CONCEIVING

THIS KID.

>> PLEASE, WHEN DO YOU EVER

REMEMBER?

>> ALL I DO IS TRY TO FORGET.

AT LEAST YOU KNOW HE'S YOURS.

>> PLEASE, GOD, LET THIS BE THE

BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

AMEN.

OH, AND IF JESUS IS ALREADY BACK

HERE ON EARTH, PLEASE TELL HIM

TO COME BY SO I CAN MEET HIM.

I'M SURE YOU KNOW HE'S BEEN MY

PERSONAL HERO FOR YEARS NOW.

AMEN AGAIN.

GOSH, IF JESUS IS AROUND AND

NOBODY KNOWS IT, HE'LL BE ALL

ALONE ON HIS BIRTHDAY AND THAT'S

JUST NOT RIGHT.

OH, I BETTER GO ASK DAD, SEE

WHAT HE THINKS I SHOULD DO.

>> HOW DID WE EVEN GET HERE?

>> LOOK, JUST GET OVER IT.

>> HOW CAN I GET OVER IT.

I NEVER ASKED FOR A SECOND

CHILD, AND THEN BOOM, SHAPEY

MAGICALLY APPEARS.

EXPLAIN THAT.

>> SHAPEY!

>> BUT THIS TIME,

HE WON'T BE AS NICE.

>> BEHOLD, THE SECOND COMING

OF OUR LORD.

HALLELUJAH!

>> AH, HE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK

ANYTHING LIKE ME.

WHO'S BEEN INSIDE YOU?!

>> YOU ARE DISGUSTING.

I WANT A DIVORCE.

>> FINE.

I'M GONE.

LIVE IT UP, BABY!

[SLAM]

>> GOLLY, THIS IS GOING TO BE

THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

>> AAH!

>> YAY!

CHRISTMAS MORNING!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY

BIRTHDAY, FIRST JESUS, AND

THANKS FOR MAKING MY LITTLE

BROTHER THE SECOND YOU.

MOM, DAD, IT'S THE BEST

CHRISTMAS EVER!

I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT

TO TELL YOU.

[KNOCKING]

HEY, OPEN UP.

YOU HAVE TO HEAR THE GOOD NEWS.

OH, WELL, I GUESS IT CAN WAIT.

� I SHALL DRUM FOR YOU �

� DRUM, DRUMMY DRUM �

>> SHUT UP!

>> YES, LORD.

OW!

OH.

>> HA HA HA!

>> THANK YOU, SAVIOR.

WHAT'S THE NEW PLAN?

>> PRESENT, PRESENT, PRESENT!

>> MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT ON

SOME...

LEAD THE WAY, LORD, I FOLLOW.

� IF THE LORD WERE ALIVE

TODAY... �

>> AAH!

>> WHAT'S THE MATTER, MASTER?

>> NO PRESENTS.

>> OH, WELL, MOM AND DAD AREN'T

UP YET, SO...

HMM...

IF THE LORD WERE ALIVE TODAY,

WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM

AT CHRISTMAS?

COME ON, LORD, GET DRESSED.

I'LL GET YOU A PRESENT.

>> AH!

AH!

AH!

NO!

>> OK, OK, CHRIST CHILD, JUST

WAIT OUT HERE.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

>> YAY, SWING.

YAY!

YAY!

>> SHAPEY?

>> [HUMMING]

>> LOOK, SHAPEY, I--

THE APOCALYPSE BEGINS.

YAY!

>> STUPID PEOPLE!

>> THE CHRIST HAS SPOKEN.

TAKE THAT, HEATHEN.

>> MRS. PUFFINGTON,

REVEREND PUTTY HERE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS...

>> WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?

>> HA HA!

MOM, GUESS WHAT!

DAD ISN'T SHAPEY'S FATHER.

>> I KNOW THAT, OREL.

>> THEN YOU FIGURED IT OUT.

OUR SHAPEY, THE SECOND SON

OF GOD.

>> HUH.

I WISH GOD WAS HIS FATHER.

>> UH, WHERE'S DAD?

>> HE LEFT HOME.

WE'RE SPLITTING UP.

>> BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS.

WE CAN'T SPEND IT WITHOUT HIM.

>> THEN I SUGGEST YOU GO FIND

YOUR PRECIOUS FATHER AND THE TWO

OF YOU SPEND CHRISTMAS TOGETHER.

[CAR DRIVES OFF]

>> � IF THE LORD

WERE ALIVE TODAY

WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM

THIS CHRISTMAS?

WHAT WILL YOU GIVE SOMEONE

WHO HAS EVERYTHING AND MORE?

HE CAN HEAL THE SICK

AND MORE... �

>> OH, CHEER UP, CLAY.

YOU'VE GOT A GREAT FAMILY,

YOU'RE AN INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE

GUY, AND YOUR WIFE IS

AUTOMATICALLY SEXY BY

ASSOCIATION.

AND OREL IS ONE OF THE BEST

LONG-DISTANCE RUNNERS

ON MY TEAM.

WHO CARES IF YOUR SECOND KID

WAS A MISTAKE AND WON'T LET

HIMSELF BE WEANED.

AT LEAST HE'S CUTE.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> DON'T WORRY.

SHE'LL NEVER GO THROUGH

WITH THE DIVORCE.

>> THANKS, DANIEL.

SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD PUT

YOUR BRAIN IN MY WIFE'S HEAD.

>> HA HA.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, CLAY.

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS.

>> � WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM

THIS CHRISTMAS?

GIVE HIM A $20 GIFT CERTIFICATE

FROM PIZZA JOE'S

MM-MM �

>> BOY, GOD, THIS SURE DIDN'T

TURN OUT TO BE THE BEST

CHRISTMAS EVER.

BUT YOU STILL HAVE TWO MINUTES

LEFT, AND I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.

[WIND BLOWS]

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