Original subtitles

What's wrong?

Are the eggs overdone? I knew it.

I told Mrs. Gunnerson her flame was too high.

No. [chuckles] The eggs aren't the problem.

It's this check that I just got from the Van Kirk family lawyer.

My mother's will was finally executed.

Wow. I guess she didn't have time

to cut you out before she died.

No, but she did leave me this note.

"To my handsome son, extra security to help

after your inevitable failure as a writer."

[chuckles] Still charming from beyond the grave.

Well, she is definitely looking up

from her rightful place in hell.

You need to show her how wrong she was.

How great would it be if you turned in a best seller now?

You got to be close to done, right?

I mean... [chuckles]

Look, no writer's really ever done,

but I do have

a draft that's... ready-ish.

And my editor did say that she wanted to give me notes

before she leaves for vacation, but, Fallon, I-I-I don't know.

Oh, let me read it first. I'm great at giving notes.

You know, as long as it's not a fantasy novel,

or historical fiction, or a mystery.

I appreciate the offer,

but I don't want you to read it before it's perfect, and plus,

you're not exactly gentle when it comes to giving notes.

Oh, I thought you liked it rough.

Okay, fine.

To be continued. I have to go now anyway.

Where you off to?

Heroic Hooves. It's time to talk fundraising

now that poor Patty De Vilbis has officially stepped aside.

CRISTAL: Mm. Someone went on a shopping spree.

Mm. I treated myself.

As you should.

Your face is all over town and TV.

Between NordicStar and FSN,

the past six months have been a whirlwind.

Can you believe I turned down Atlanta Today?

You turning down publicity? Are you feeling okay?

I'm better than okay.

Local television is small potatoes,

and I have to leave some things unsaid

for my interview next week

in Vanity Fair.

Impressive.

Metaphorical doors are flying open

since I won the contract.

Three magazine covers, billboards both inside

and outside the perimeter,

and I'm set to be a guest judge

on Project Runway.

Does this mean there's no time for spa day?

Unfortunately, no.

I have to meet a bodyguard later.

Turns out, fame has brought out some crazies.

FSN security has intercepted some creepy emails.

Creepy how?

Well, listen to this.

"You're an undeserving fraud.

"Enjoy your time in the limelight

"before it gets really dark, and I take it all away.

Don't turn your back."

Sad, little people, nothing more. I certainly

don't think I need to be guarded like I'm the president.

I don't know, that was creepy.

Maybe this isn't the worst idea.

Aren't you supposed to be opening

a hydroelectric plant for Morell soon?

Why are you so focused on this place?

Because I love this organization,

and I want to do more with it than just

an after-school riding program and a rehab center

for retired race horses.

- Yeah? Like what? - Well, I don't know yet,

but riding was key in shaping me

into the person I am today, you know?

It made me disciplined, gave me confidence.

Well, I think you were born disciplined and confident.

[chuckles] Well, thank you.

Hey, do you want to be heroic

and help me out with a nice, generous donation?

Or maybe I can wait and see what you do with this place?

Now that Colby Co.'s back up and running,

I want anything I put my name on to be big,

and this feels a little small.

- Hey. - Hmm?

The only thing small about this place are the ponies.

But that's fine. We can come back to this later.

If you don't want to talk charity,

can we talk about your personal life?

I really want you to start dating again.

O-Okay, wait. How much money do you want?

Because I will pay any amount

not to talk about my dating life with you, cousin.

MANDY:Hello.

Ah, Mandy

Von Dunkel, just the person I was looking for.

Jeff, this is Mandy. Mandy is a bigwig

on the Heroic Hoovesboard.

It's a real pleasure. I'm actually doing some business

- with your family. - So I heard. Good luck.

We're a particular bunch.

Noted. Well, I hate to meet and run,

but I've got some work to do, and I'm sure

you two have plenty to discuss.

So, great to meet you.

- Great to meet you. - Mandy,

walk with me.

[whistling]

You're certainlychipper,

or are you auditioning for a remake of Snow White?

[laughs] What's not to be chipper about?

Sales are soaring, I'm dating a wonderful woman

who happens to be pregnant with my nephew,

and I just got

taken off the waitlist for the newest Rolex.

Well, I hate to burst your bubble,

Dopey, but some people have had serious side effects

with your new injectable.

Bruising around the injection site

is a common occurrence with injectables.

It's on the packaging.

Consumers on a beauty industry watchdog site

have reported heart problems, and now the FDA

- is involved. - Oh, it's just cranky customers

with unrealistic expectations. I'm not worried about it.

Well, maybe you should get worried.

The FDA confiscated some of the product

this morning and are testing it tomorrow.

They are not going to find

anything objectionable, are they?

The clinical trial adhered

to the highest possible standard.

I promise, we have nothing to hide.

I guess I just needed reassurance.

I've worked so hard to get this company to where it is,

I can't let your product ruin it.

Mm, interesting. It's my product now that the FDA is involved.

I thought we were a team.

Only when it suits me.

Huh. Hmm.

FALLON: Every race track

should have a corresponding Heroic Hooves.

We can start helping the backstretch workers

and their families, and that's just the start.

Well, clearly you haven't read the annual report.

Expansion of that magnitude,

that's not financially feasible.

I know that, Mandy. I'm talking big picture here.

Well, the little picture shows that

Heroic Hooves is in danger of shutting down

due to lack of donations.

Well, I'm not surprised.

I mean, that's what you get when you give so much power

to someone like Patty De Vilbis.

We should just be grateful she's gone.

Patty was the one person keeping the charity afloat.

She wrote a check every year

for operating expenses.

Of course, that all stopped now that

she has been cut off from the De Vilbis fortune.

Maybe it's just gossip,

but I heard

you had something to do with it.

[laughs]

Well, you know what they say about gossip.

It's the devil's radio.

So, how much do we need? You know a Carrington

never leaves home without her checkbook.

No, a single donor is a Band-Aid, not an answer.

I didn't like that Patty was the sole underwriter either.

See, charities aren't meant to be funded by one person.

You're right. Diversifying funding sources is a good idea.

Well, I hope for your sake

that the Hooves annual charity luncheon

later this week will bring in a lot of money.

- For my sake? - Well, you're trying to make positive change,

but the old guard

is fine with the status quo,

and they're hard to get excited.

Mandy, if there is one thing that I know,

it's how to get people excited.

I am going to

shake things up with an event

that will make that luncheon look like... well, a luncheon.

Mm, bless your heart, Fallon, but this isn't a crowd

that appreciates anything shaken but their martinis, okay?

They like their sweet tea cold and "Amazing Grace" on Sundays.

Well, they better get ready for Amazing Fallon

because I'm about to bust out a miracle.

♪

♪

- Hey. How are you? - Hey.

I'm still a little freaked out about your mentor's death,

and I barely knew the guy.

Yeah. I'm, uh, I'm hanging in there.

Cheese?

Humboldt Fog has a way of making things better.

Actually, I just came out here to find a quiet place to write.

You know, since the hotel didn't work out too well.

Right. How's that going?

It's, uh...

You know what? I-I really don't like talking

about current projects. You mind if we just change the subject?

No problem.

We can talk about these trolls on the internet

who have nothing better to do than complain about the hotel.

Complain about what? La Mirage is beautiful.

- I mean, the rooms are amazing. - Our tuna melt is mediocre.

Especially compared to the Waldorf's, apparently.

Well, I'm sure that's not true. People online are morons, Sam.

Yes, that's true,

but the Waldorf's sandwich has an Instagram page.

It's famous.

It makes our tuna melt look like grilled cheese.

[sighs]

So just make their tuna melt.

Huh?

Hypothetical question.

If no one would ever know,

would you steal

and use the Waldorf's tuna melt recipe as your own?

Why? Do you have it?

No. No. That's why I said hypothetically.

Well, I think there are only so many ways to make a tuna melt,

Liam. My chefs just need

to get a little creative and make tuna magic.

Okay, what if their creativity's tapped out?

You know, what if they have no inspiration,

and using this new recipe as their own

will get them back on the right track?

[scoffs] I appreciate your concern,

but we are talking about a sandwich, right?

Yes. I guess we are.

Too many unsecured entrances.

Too many people with an alarm code.

I'm gonna need a list of everyone who has a key.

To be honest with you, I'm a little shocked that FSN

would take this long to assign you protection.

I haven't agreed

to this whole bodyguard plan yet.

How does this even work?

What if I have a date? Do you come with me?

Well, do you have a date?

No, but I could.

Well, then I will come with you.

You see, you really don't have a say in the matter.

This is the network's call.

Because a few Internet lunatics

sent vaguely threatening emails?

No, because if you refuse, then FSN will suspend you.

Fine.

Here.

A list of my employees.

Ow! [gasps]

Ow. [chuckles] Ow, that's my neck.

This is my assistant. Emerson,

are you okay?

I just... just need a minute. [grunts]

I'm sorry. I... I was just doing my job.

Emerson...

Was able to sneak up on you in seconds.

What if she had a weapon?

She had a burrito.

Maybe you can take it down a notch.

That's not in my vocabulary.

This is going to be a lot of fun for everyone.

[knock on door]

I'm in the middle of a game right now.

Who are you playing?

The only worthy opponent I've had since Anders died, me.

Listen, I... [chuckles]

I have an actual problem that I really need your help

with fixing, but you got to promise me

that you won't get angry.

Yeah, only a moron would make that promise. No.

Um, I used an illegal plant

called Bokocho in my injectable,

and, uh, as of this morning, the FDA is investigating it.

Well, the FDA is an understaffed government agency.

All right, just change the plant

before they get to you, it's a moot point.

Small issue. Uh, I have been moved to the top of the pile

because apparently, a handful of people

have, um, suffering some heart irregularities after using it.

How did this even happen?

Well, anti-aging medicine works by tightening capillaries,

so in some cases, it can cause irregular heartbeats.

I don't care about how your drug works.

How'd you get approval in the first place?

Oh, I used your FDA contact,

and I omitted some key tests

because, well, it wasn't moving fast enough,

and I wanted to hurry it out to market.

You used my contact without asking me?

What were you thinking?

Well, I didn't think it would be a problem. I-I omitted

Bokocho from the ingredients list,

and I called it bee pollen.

No one would've known anything, except...

Except you're almost killing people now.

What's gotten into you?

The spotlight's been on Alexis for months now,

and I'm not getting any credit.

This whole thing

is my idea. This injectable was my thing,

and I...

I couldn't fail.

Does your mother know about any of this?

Mm-mm.

Okay,

I will see what I can do to fix it.

SAM: Fashion show,

ladies' lunch, golf outing.

Nope. Boring. Seriously?

Hey, at least I'm trying.

No wonder fundraising is down. Who wants to eat

another soggy Chinese chicken salad and make small talk?

- Not me. - Do you think this is all a waste of time?

Just HHF, in general? Is it too small and unimportant?

Look, you're not curing cancer, but who is?

Scientists? Oncologists?

Whatever. My point is we all do what we can,

and since you don't have a medical degree,

right now, it's all about saving horses and helping kids.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

We all help the world in - our own way. - Mm-hmm.

What's next on your list?

All right, I got, um, tennis tournament... Mm.

Bike-a-thon.[door opens]

Hey.

Now that is a great way to raise some money.

- Male escort business? - Bachelor auction. What?

Yeah.

That's what I meant. Bachelor auction.

Did you guys say something?

Mm-mm.

No.

How did you know I needed something strong?

It's usually a pretty good assumption.

Well, definitely a good call for today.

I spent the day with my publicist

making sure to keep the company

out of the press, thanks to Adam.

I thought things were good between you two now.

Oh, we're not fighting, but the FDA is investigating

his injectable because,

apparently, it's causing heart issues in some people.

That sounds serious. What can I do?

Draw me a bath?

I meant more as a businessman, less as a butler.

Oh, it's fine.

Adam assured me that he did everything right. I trust him.

Well, I hope he's telling the truth.

Once a government entity flags you,

you are under a microscope for a while.

But my old lawyer's now chief counsel at the FDA.

Maybe I should call him,

see where this is at. Just to be safe?

I appreciate your concern, honey,

but everything is under control.

By the time I get done with my bath,

maybe it'll be a distant memory.

Does this mean you're not running it for me?

Indeed it does.[whines] Fine.

You're too stingy with the bubbles anyway.

♪

WILLIAM: So, after getting

my PhD in macrobiology,

I decided to study land organisms in foreign countries.

Brazil, India...

Look, William, I love that you're smart,

but I am gonna need you to take off your shirt

because it's really about

what's on the outside that counts right now.

So, can you do that for me?

Oh. Okay.

- Not bad. - Not good.

Okay, we'll be in touch.

- Thank you, - William.

[sighs]

Well, that's not gonna work.

I thought this was about offering fun dates,

not naked playtime.

No, but we're also selling the fantasy.

That guy's a scientist.

Nobody was gonna bid on Gali-lame-o.

Where are all the hot gays from the gym?

Okay, that's a stereotype,

and they're all too busy working out

to donate their time to charity, so...

So, it's true?

That a woman your age shouldn't be wearing

a white tennis outfit? Yeah, it's true.

As I was winning my match,

I heard my good friend

Sassy Jackson on the next court over

talk about your plan to hold a bacchanalia

at the Heroic Hooves ballroom.

I am planning to host a perfectly dignified

bachelor auction, if that's what you meant.

HHF is not about sex.

You'll have to find a new venue.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is not about sex.

Okay? It's just about people letting loose

and having a good time,

something you clearly need a lesson on.

See, this whole enterprise just proves

how little you understand about our organization.

Newsflash, Mandy: I read the annual report--

the last two actually-- and we need money.

So, here is my offer:

back off, and if I don't double

the last two years of fundraising, I'll step aside.

Well, that's a deal too good to pass up.

But you'll still have to find someplace else for your party.

We need more bachelors, ASAP.

Hmm...

I guess it's time to hit the gym, right?

Yeah, it is.

And bring Culhane, Liam, and Jeff with you.

If I am gonna pull this off

in two days, you guys are gonna be the main attraction.

The competition's tuna melt.

So, you can decide for yourself.

Mmm. That is delicious.

Okay, so just steal the recipe.

Who's gonna know? I won't tell.

Look, I got bigger fish to fry.

Sorry, couldn't help it.

Well, I haven't sunk low enough

to steal a sandwich recipe, not that I'd know how.

Why are you so obsessed with this?

Because I'm just showing you that people

steal from each other all the time.

Okay, look, don't you remember "Blurred Lines"?

Liam, what are you talking about? I'm not Pharrell.

Can't I just enjoy this amazing sandwich in peace?

Not until you hear what I have to say.

Okay.

I found an old manuscript

that Professor Kingston and I co-wrote,

and I'm thinking about sending it to my editor.

Okay, why is that a problem?

Because, technically,

we didn't co-write it.

He wrote it.

Okay, now I'm starting to understand

the stolen tuna melt obsession.

Listen, if you want my advice,

I wouldn't ruin my reputation by plagiarizing

a sandwich recipe, let alone a book.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Can we just forget this conversation ever happened?

Here.

One bite of this,

and you'll forget your own name.

[phone chimes]

Why does Fallon want us at the club?

And what does she mean by "rehearsal"?

I'll explain on the way.

Oh, that's gorgeous.

Thank you. I have a private client

coming in from Paris next month,

and I want the crème de la crme to be out peacocking.

Speaking of peacocking,

Fallon's hosting a bachelor auction

for charity tomorrow night.

It'll be ridiculous. We're going.

I'm in. I've been so focused on work,

I've neglected my personal life.

And I have cash to burn for a good cause

- and great abs. - Hey, hold on.

An event like that is a security issue,

and with threats still out there,

I need to bring in more eyes to keep you safe.

Can you believe how absurd this is?

I'm sorry you find your safety absurd.

Do what you need to do.

I need to figure out what dress says,

"I can take care of myself,

but I still like a man to pay for dinner."

Make yourself scarce so I can try on a few things.

He's insufferable.

JOE: Five, six,

seven, eight. No clapping. Walk, walk.

Hips. Hips. Turn.

Come on. All right, next.

Turn, turn, turn. Hip.

You on your phone. You not supposed to be on your phone.

Come on, put it away. Pose. That is not the pose. Stop.

[music stops] You're making my stomach hurt.

- What? - FALLON: Okay, you know what?

Joe, why don't you go take a five.

Okay? You've earned it. Thank you, Joe.

Everyone say, "Thank you, Joe."

Fallon, why are we doing this?

Because Heroic Hooves needs three times the donations

we normally get so that I can start my expansion programs.

No, I'm actually talking about the dance. And where's Jeff?

Well, I just thought the dance was a super fun opener

to get the crowd excited, and Jeff

is refusing to participate because he is doing business

with Mandy's family.

But I want you to know

that I appreciate all of you for agreeing to participate

and for letting me use the club.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I refuse

on account of I'm in a relationship with Nina?

No, because I spoke to Nina, and she's on board.

And the fact that I am your husband?

Unfortunately, this is one of those non-negotiables

in a marriage, but no one

is having sex with anyone, okay?

You're just showing a lucky bidder

what it's like to date a rich guy

for a day, and speaking of, I have

some ideas of what you can offer up at the auction.

Culhane, a ride in your Aston Martin

and a visit to Tiger Mountain Vineyards.

Sam, a private day of shopping on you

- at Shops of Buckhead. - Well, with a limit, obviously.

Maybe.

And, Liam, a package

I am calling "Coffee with the Author."

Uh, it sounds a little more like a panel than a date.

Oh, perfect, considering we're still married.

Well, I'm glad

that we're all on the same page.

Okay, we need to get back to rehearsal. Where's Joe?

I'm pretty sure I just heard him driving away.

Perfect.

What's going on?

Why are you giving a bag of needles to this strange woman?

Look, I'm having the injectable tested in a private lab.

That way, we can get ahead of any problems the FDA may find.

But I told you I didn't need your help.

I know, but...

Just because we are married does not mean

you get to make decisions for me or my company.

There's no "they" in Alexam.

Well, technically, Adam is...

Forget that. Look,

if I'm wrong, no harm done, but if I'm right,

then you'll be ahead of the problem

and can deal with it from a place of control, not crisis.

How about I deal with it right now.

I will take those, and you can go.

Clearly, you don't trust me to make smart decisions.

What're you gonna do next? Go through my credit card charges?

It's not you I don't trust. It's Adam.

He did frame you for murder

and let you rot in jail, remember?

What I remember is that you told us to go to therapy

to work on our issues, and we did,

and ever since, I have been open and honest

and all of this other therapy mumbo jumbo,

and now you are trying to plant doubt back into mind.

That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm looking out for you.

We are in a partnership now.

If something hurts you, it hurts me.

Plus, I'm a prominent figure in the business world...

[scoffs]...and now that we're married,

your scandal can quickly become my SEC headache.

Oh, well, I'm sorry I'm not thinking about

your stupid hedge fund when I'm focusing on my company.

My "stupid" hedge fund is as important to me

as Alexam is to you,

but if you really think that's what this is about,

then you're missing the point.

[sighs]

Are you sure you're sure?

Because Fallon can be very convincing,

and by convincing, I mean a bit of a bully.

[laughs] Do you think I can be bullied?

It's a ride in your car and a wine tasting.

Though, that sounds kind of romantic when I say it out loud.

I can back out right now.

[chuckles] I'm kidding. It's for charity.

[sighs] Fine. The truth is,

I was worried you would think

I wasn't all in if I agreed to this.

Whoa, whoa, you're all in? I'm, like, half in.

I got one foot out the door.

Whoa.

That felt like a "this is serious" kind of kiss.

It was.

[knock on door]

Come in.

[coughing]

Shouldn't we be leaving for the event?

As you can see, there's been a change of plans.

[continues coughing]

I'm too sick to go now.

I must've caught something from you.

I don't have a cold.

Probably because you gave it to me.

Now, I'm in all night.

Well, I'm sorry you're gonna have to miss

meeting your future husband,

but it's probably for the best.

And it's probably best you leave. I need my rest.

No, I'm under strict instructions

to watch one of FSN's most valuable assets.

Well, be my guest.

I'm watching a marathon of The Real Housewives.

You're welcome to join.

[coughing]

Yeah, uh...

Well, since you're gonna be here all night, um...

I guess I can leave, but don't go anywhere

and don't answer the door for anyone.

I'm not moving. Good night.

All right. Call me if you need me.

[door closes] Ready?

Almost. I need to make sure the bodyguard leaves.

He seems like the type to sit in the car and do crosswords.

I can drive us, but my car's parked at the manor.

How are we gonna get back there if he's lingering?

We have to go out the back.

Can you climb down the fire escape in that dress?

Can you?

[chuckles] We'll have to see.

My FDA contact gave me the name of the lab director

and the location where your sample's being tested.

That's great. That gives us plenty of time

to plan before the morning.

No. It's happening in two hours.

Apparently, your drug

is such a danger to the public

it's now a high priority.

So what do we do now?

Well, you have two hours to produce

20 samples that'll test clean.

Look, even if I could get clean samples,

how do we get into an FDA lab

and-and swap them out without anyone noticing?

This is why it's important to have friends in high places.

You worry about the samples, I'll get us in.

Good evening, everyone.

Thank you all for coming out tonight.

Dating for a good cause is fun for everyone.

So is a good old musical number

to start the night, and, luckily,

we have both for you.

Come on out, boys.

♪ I'm too sexy for my love

♪ Too sexy for my love, love's going to leave me ♪

♪

♪ I'm too sexy for my shirt

♪ Too sexy for my shirt

♪ So sexy it hurts

♪ I'm too sexy for your party

♪ Too sexy for your party

♪ The way I'm disco dancing

♪ I'm a model, you know what I mean? ♪

♪ And I do my little turn on the catwalk ♪

♪ Yeah, on the catwalk

♪ On the catwalk, yeah

♪ I shake my little tush on the catwalk. ♪

[music stops][scattered applause]

Okay! How great was that?

Well, I thought it was.

Heroic Hooves is a charity near and dear to my heart.

As somebody who spent their life around horses,

I know how they deserve a healthy retirement.

Definitely more than some humans I know. [forced laugh]

Okay. Tough crowd.

Anyway, HHF is the reason we are all here tonight.

So, let's start this auction off.

First up we have Cole. Come on out here, Cole.

There he is. [chuckles]

Cole is the perfect bachelor with the perfect job,

and I would imagine perfect abs.

Cole, tell us a little bit about your date package.

Uh, well,

I'm a "work hard, play hard" kind of guy,

so my date package is a trip to the Atlanta Fair,

where you can have all of the deep-fried cookies

and cotton candy you can handle.

Wow. Okay. Sounds, uh...

Sounds sweet. Who could say no to that?

Let's start the bidding at, say, 1,000?

Do I hear 1,000?

1,000 from anyone? Anyone at all? No.

Well, Cole, it looks like we have a crowd

with impossibly high standards.

Is there anything else you'd like to add?

Uh, yeah, I'm into doing complex Lego

- and puppetry. - That's not gonna help.

Um, why don't you flex for the crowd.

Can you flex for us, Cole?

A normal flex with your arm.

Mandy, you are a horse's ass.

A Shirley Temple?

She's probably rolling over

in her grave right now.

She would be as appalled as I am if she were here.

Well, is that why you're stopping people from bidding,

because you're living in the 1940s?

It's not because I hate charity.

But between this spectacle and your gambling,

it doesn't really seem

that you are in it for the giving back.

I know about that horse race you and Patty bet on.

That sweet girl loved this charity.

Now she has nothing.

Wait a minute. This is all about Patty?

You know, I've been at this a long time,

and I am not gonna let you come in here

and upend the system.

Well, maybe the system needs to be upended.

You are on the verge of being shut down every year.

Your failure is inevitable.

And when that happens, I'll take back the reins,

and I will bring Heroic Hooves back to its traditional ways.

This isn't just a hobby for me.

I am committed to making it work.

So if you want to come after me,

you better be ready.

[fire alarm bell ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

Well, this is inconvenient. Maybe we should get out of here.

No, we're not going anywhere. This is happening

exactly the way it's supposed to.

Okay, but maybe it's not the best idea

for me to be seen here, considering that law enforcement

is swarming the place, and I'm under the FDA microscope.

Yeah, I'd like to be home playing chess with myself,

but we need to fix this, and you're the only one

who can identify the Alexam vials to make the switch.

Building's clear and will stay that way

for approximately six minutes.

So get in there, do your thing and get out.

Thank you, Chief.

Say hello to Bristol and the kids for me, would you?

Mrs. Gunnerson sends her best

and her strawberry rhubarb pie.

All right, let's go.

Did I mention Mario also drives race cars for a living?

Two thousand.

He's cute. Are you sure you don't want to bid?

I don't like race cars. Too loud.

Anyone else out there not afraid of Mandy,

or too drunk to care?

Two thousand is a good start.

Okay, and apparently a good finish.

Congratulations, inebriated lady.

You're gonna have a great date. Thanks.[woman laughs]

All right, let's take a little five-minute break,

and when we come back, I'd like to see

some smiling faces and some attitude adjustments.

It's called generosity, people.

KEVIN: Really?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I went back to the loft to tell you

I tracked down the person who's sending you

those creepy emails.

It's a woman named Lainie in Pensacola.

Lainie? She was the runner-up

for the NordicStar gig. I knew this wasn't serious.

She's just a bitter loser.

You didn't need to come here for that.

Well, now that I'm here, all I see are threats.

And she wasn't the only person responsible for the emails.

You look like you could use a drink.

Not while I'm on the job.

Though I could use a Shirley Temple.

'Cause I love me some grenadine.

I'm sorry, Cristal, I can't do this while he's here.

I'm leaving, without a bachelor and with a bodyguard.

What a disappointing night.

I'm sick. Remember?

Could you politely step off?

[playing gentle melody]

Wow, I didn't know you played piano.

Does it sound like I play piano?

No, but this is me being supportive and apologetic.

I'm sorry for doubting your intentions.

It's been a long time since I've had a true partner.

Someone I can trust blindly.

Come here.

I don't care about my hedge fund, Alexis.

I care about you.

You're the most important thing in my life.

You're the most important thing in mine.

So, have you given the Adam situation more thought?

I have.

And I want you to run the tests.

I'm sure it's nothing,

but you're right; I need to protect myself.

- I'll call the tech. - Well, make it quick.

Because I skipped Fallon's bachelor auction

to spend time with you,

and now you're gonna need to make it worth my while.

I appreciate the sacrifice, Mrs. Dexter.

FALLON: It's not even close to the top.

And you still have to go out there.

Why are you doing shots?

To loosen up. Cheers!

There's no way I'm gonna make my goal.

And I told Mandy I would resign if I didn't.

Shot?

Don't be so negative.

Maybe my date package will get your numbers up,

'cause I think some people are really interested.

Can you go away?

[slap] Oh!

Feisty.

Don't even bother with that crowd, okay?

They would much rather be at a silent auction

sipping room-temperature chard and bidding on a cheese basket.

Just because you told her you'd resign

doesn't mean you have to.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together,

well, for me.[applause]

For those of you who don't know me,

I'm Jeff Colby, founder and CEO of Colby Co.

And I'm here tonight to support Fallon Carrington.

Hey, this girl is hustling

to make this charity a success.

And okay, okay, maybe she's not batting

her usual thousand tonight,

but she is trying to make the world a better place

any way she can.

Which is what I'm here to do, too.

But it's not a date with me. Sorry.

It's a flight on my private jet

for a week on my private island

with the date of your dreams.

Seven nights of uninterrupted bliss.

Thirty thousand.

Thirty-five thousand.

JEFF: Oh, sorry, one more thing.

Starting price is 50,000.

And with 52 weeks in a year, there is plenty

of bidding to do.

Trust me, this island is amazing.

- Okay, 50,000 right here. - JEFF: Yes!

Yes, I see you. Anyone else?

And remember, it's all for charity.

So keep the bids coming, huh?

[applause]

- Thank you. - MAN: All right, who else wants in?

- WOMAN: Over here! - You there?

- WOMAN 2: Me, too! - And you in the back.

What if I only want a date?

I don't actually have 50,000 to spend.

Well, I'm sure whatever you do have can work.

It's all for charity, right?

I can afford surf and turf and a bottle of wine.

We can make that happen.

Great.

MAN: Private island, private jet.

- WOMAN: I'll do 50! - MAN: Yes!

- Hmm? - You are my hero.

Thank you. How can I...Oh. Handle that.

Okay!

Yes. Yes!

Let's hear it. Now, who's ready for a date

with the author?

One million dollars.

- Sold! - Get offstage.

[screams]

[lock clicks]

Well, would you look at that.

It appears my tawdry little event

has raised enough money to save Heroic Hooves and more.

Well, I suppose when you appeal

to the lowest common denominator.

Mandy, if you have an issue with the way I do things,

you can leave, and take your snotty suck-ups with you.

Although, it does look like they're having a good time.

No offense to your acolytes,

but I think I will be courting a different crowd

in the future, when I start my own foundation.

Perfect. What's next, a wet T-shirt contest?

I'll add it to the list.

I'll be choosing which organizations to support,

and how to support them.

So while you're at your next bruncheon

choking on a stale muffin, remember,

I'll be changing the world.

Uh, wow, that was quite the smackdown.

Look, I'm not saying she didn't deserve it,

but still, ooh!

Oh, she deserved much more than that.

I'm sorry if tonight ruined your business with her family.

Nah, that's okay.

I knew exactly what I was doing getting up there.

So what made you change your mind?

I saw Mandy trying to tear you down earlier.

You stood your ground,

like you always do when you believe in something.

I should never have doubted you about this.

I wasn't about to let her win.

And you heard me: this is just the start.

[sighs heavily] All clear.

Thank you for racing back over.

It all happened so quickly.

How did someone even get on the property?

Changing of the guard is

the most dangerous time of the day.

I'm confused. I thought you said

Lainie was in Pensacola.

Well, she is. I mean, as far as we know.

But I will get to the bottom of this.

You're in the public eye now.

Crazies come out of the woodwork.

If you stay on, I promise

there will be no more sneaking out.

I'm taking these threats seriously now.

I'm sorry I've been difficult.

I never considered the dark side of fame.

I'm not a movie star.

Though, yes, I can look like one.

But really,

I just make clothes.

Well, when you're talented,

it doesn't matter what you do.

Somebody somewhere will want what you have.

Trust me,

you're not the first difficult client I've had.

So, uh, I don't know, which...

which Housewives are we watching?

[both chuckle]

That was so much better than a conversation with the author.

Especially now that you're gonna have a best seller.

I love the optimism, but you haven't read the book.

That's where you're wrong. I did read it.

And it's really good.

Wait, you read it? When-when did you read it?

Okay, only the first few chapters.

I had a little time to kill in my glam squad chair earlier.

And I don't want you to take this the wrong way,

but I was a little worried.

I mean, it just seemed like you were really struggling

with this one,

and you were being so secretive,

but after reading it...

I mean, wow, Liam, it was amazing.

Where did you even come up with the idea?

[chuckles]

A writer never tells.

Okay, I think that's a magician, but whatever.

When this book lands on the Times' Best Seller list,

you and I are going to drink champagne

and curse your mother's name.

If you're okay with that.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course.

I'm just, uh, I'm just shocked

that you liked it so much. I mean, like,

I-I thought it was good.

I just didn't think it was that good.

Would I spend a million dollars on just any author?

Only the best.

[kissing]

BLAKE: Great.

Oh, great. Thank you for the good news.

Did the samples pass?

Oh, no, that was my tailor.

My new suit is finally ready.

But yeah, I also talked to my source.

The samples passed. There's nothing to worry about.

[exhales sharply]

Thank you.

But the less we talk about this, the better.

And you need to fix your plant problem immediately.

This watchdog group has you in their crosshairs now.

Huh. Now I know what it's like

to have you on my side in a sticky situation.

Well, of course I was on your side.

I'm your father.

FALLON: Big news, Sam.

Is this about the horses again?

Or your new foundation? Or the network?

Liam turned in his new book this morning.

Oh. That is big news.

And frankly, I would be shocked

if anyone had a single note.

Everyone gets notes.

Well, maybe Liam will get lucky

and get off scot-free.

Fingers crossed.

Ew, is there even champagne in these mimosas?

I knew they looked weird. Jeanette!

You turned it in?

Put yourself in my shoes.

Okay, yeah, sure, it's easy to say

you'd do the right thing,

but trust me, when your wife is looking in your eyes

and calling you a genius, it's just as easy

to do the wrong thing.

Oh, she thinks you're a genius?

For turning in a book you didn't write?

I did some edits.

I took a pass at a few chapters.

Oh, and by the way, I saw you put the tuna melt

- back on the menu. - Yes, I did.

But I didn't steal it.

I hired a new chef and figured out a way

to make it my own.

Because that is a solution I can live with.

Hope you can live with yours.

Glad to see you're already drinking.

Maybe it'll take the sting out of what I'm about to say.

I know you lied to me.

I know you put our partnership,

our company and our reputation

on the line.

Oh, Mother, don't worry about it.

It's been handled. Tell her, Father.

I got your company out of trouble,

so you can thank me by leaving.

I am not worried, and I am not thanking you.

I handled my own business.

Come in!

Mother, what did you do?

These agents are from the DEA.

When I did my own testing and discovered you were

importing and using an illegal drug,

I called the authorities.

I can't believe you'd do this.

We're partners.

No, we are definitely not partners.

I couldn't trust you not to turn on me again.

Frame me for murder once, shame on me.

Frame me again?

[sighs] Father, wha--

You're gonna-- You're gonna fix this, right?

I'll do what I can, but I can't promise anything.