Original subtitles

[dramatic fanfare]

♪

- I'’m Connie Reese.

Coming up next, your candidates for mayor

debate who should lead St. Louis

for the next four years.

Will the people reelect Mayor Ron Saxby,

or will the honor go to Pastor Boyce Ballentine,

or will they both fall

to dentist and anti-government activist

Dr. Harry Zagelman?

- Is he allowed to do that?

- Stay tuned, St. Louis.

We'’ll see you after the break.

[dramatic fanfare]

- Heh. This is gonna be great.

You know, first, I'’ll outline

my six-point economic plan; then I'’ll hit '’em

with expanding pre-K education.

What--what are you doing?

- I'’m looking for some "give a damn,"

because what you'’re saying could not be more boring.

- Saving the soul of the city is boring?

- Yes. We'’ve run out of time for your idealism.

Saxby is crushing us in the polls.

Why won'’t you at least hear the dirt I have on him?

- Because people are angry at those kind of politics.

I want to win with integrity.

- Well, maybe you should run for Soccer Team Snack Mom.

This is the big leagues, and what I have on Saxby

isn'’t just dirt; it'’s filth.

It'’s the stuff that gets pumped out of a porta-potty

at a country music festival.

- Mm-- yeah, okay.

All right, you know what? Still, it'’s a no.

- All right, I respect that. - [sighs]

- He'’s got this-- - Ah-buh-buh-buh.

Na-na-na-na-ahh!

- Sorry we'’re late.

Someone insisted

on getting his picture taken with the KTAZ weatherman.

- Stormy Hernandez?

- Yeah, I couldn'’t find him,

but I did get a few nice shots of his parking space.

- Dad, when did you become so starstruck?

I'’ve taken you backstage millions of times--

Madison Square Garden, the Apollo, the Grammys.

- But this is KTAZ.

I'’ve been watching this station for over 40 years.

I feel like a schoolgirl about to meet The Beatles.

- You know, another time you should have felt like

you met The Beatles is when I introduced you

to Paul McCartney.

- He was all right.

But Stormy Hernandez...

His van got picked up by a tornado once.

I'’ma go see if I can get his autograph.

- You should do that.

- Uh, Lolli, I thought I asked you

to dress conservative.

- I conserved some.

This ain'’t all of it.

- Well, we'’re about to start, so maybe you could

head over to the friends and family area.

- I don'’t want to watch the debate with Saxby'’s wife.

After all that trash he talked about you,

what am I gonna say to her?

- [sighs] Remember, babe.

We'’re taking the high road here, all right?

If I can do it, so can you.

Just be cordial.

- [impudently]Mm-hmm.

- More cordial than that.

- [cheerfully]Mm-hmm.

- Come on. Show some teeth.

Mm, yeah. There you go, babe.

- I'’ll try. - [laughs]

Isn'’t she great?

- [impudently] Mm-hmm.

[soul music]

♪

- Got a second, Ron?

- Please, call me Ron.

- I just did.

- Oh, sorry. Force of habit.

Most people refer to me as Mayor.

- Oh.

Well, look. We both know how

these campaigns have a way of turning real ugly.

I mean, you have been running some pretty nasty

campaign ads about me.

- Really? Like what?

- Oh, I don'’t know.

Maybe the one suggesting

that I might be a Dominican anchor baby.

- Okay, I did not approve that message.

- Really? - No, sir.

- Because at the end of the ad, you specifically say,

"I'’m Ron Saxby, and I approve this message."

- That does sound like me.

- You know, personally, I think the people deserve

to hear the issues debated in a calm, civilized manner.

This should be a conversation, not a cage match.

- Fair enough, Boyce. I approve.

- All right, good.

Oh, can I get a little bit of that?

- That'’s a little insulting, but okay.

- [coughs, clears throat]

- Bless you.

- Oh, uh, it was a cough.

- Oh.

- But still, thank you.

- You'’re welcome.

- I like your dress.

- Thank you.

I like your dress too.

- Oh, come on. Now you'’re just being nice.

My husband'’s campaign manager made me wear this.

- My husband'’s campaign manager told me what to wear too.

- Wow, well, she'’s got fantastic taste.

- No, she has terrible taste. This was all me.

- Oh.

Would you like a glass of wine?

- Oh, well-- [chuckles]

Should we be drinking during our husbands'’ debate?

- Oh, what, are you kidding?

It'’s the only way to get through it.

- [laughs, sighs]

Oh, that'’s good. - Ooh, ooh, okay.

- No, good, good. - Ooh, ooh.

- Now it'’s great. [laughter]

- All right. - Ahh.

- Well, uh, it'’s very--

I don'’t want to mess my hair up.

Let'’s just-- there we go.

- Let'’s start with you, Reverend.

What makes you think you can run the city?

- Connie, I'’m glad you asked.

Well, I think that--

- Actually, Connie, I'’d love to jump in...

if my buddy Boyce doesn'’t mind.

- [mouthing words] - Sure, Ron. Go ahead.

- Great, because I wouldn'’t feel right if I didn'’t

welcome the fine people watching at home.

You watch because you care.

I salute you.

Now, Boyce, you were saying?

- Well, what I was saying is that I--

- May I respond to what Mayor Saxby just said?

I, too, would like to welcome the fine people

who are watching at home and those at friends'’ homes.

- I-I believe that we are clear that

we welcome everyone watching.

No matter where you'’re watching it,

your friend'’s house, your home, or a gas pump, you know?

I-I think we should get back to the issues.

- Agreed. Mayor Saxby, Pastor Ballentine alleges

that the current system of tickets and fines

is a poor tax used to subsidize

luxury condos and pay for a new baseball stadium.

Your response.

- I'’m glad you brought that up, Pat.

Let me just say, as an admirer of both Boyce and freedom,

I believe he has every right to despise baseball,

our national pastime.

Now, perhaps my friend Boyce prefers soccer.

- All right, Ron. That'’s just not right, now.

- Oh, sorry. Should I say fútbol?

- I'’m not Dominican.

- [laughs] Ooh.

Do you think we should, uh, turn that up?

- Nah, no, we might hear them.

- [laughs] You need to quit.

And you need to top me off.

- Oh, all right. [sighs]

Can I confess something? [clears throat]

I have been a huge fan of Boyce and Lolli

for, well, forever.

I have got all of Boyce'’s albums.

I, uh--I-I used to pore over your outfits in "Us Weekly."

- Okay, now you really need to quit.

- Oh, okay, look, I'’m gonna prove it to you.

All right, uh, true or false:

you and Paula Abdul wore the same

Jimmy Choos to the '’98 Vibe Awards.

- What? Who can remember back then?

"Us Weekly" said I wore it better.

- Because you did.

- [laughs] You know, it'’s a shame

our husbands have to be enemies,

because we could be great friends.

- Oh, please. Me?

Friends with the--the glamorous Lolli Ballentine?

- Oh, please, things aren'’t always

what they appear to be in "Us Weekly."

- Mm.

- I mean, it may seem as though

I'’ve always had it tight and together,

but I-I'’m telling you something, Linda,

Boyce and I have had our share of lean times.

I mean, when he first blew up, girl, he went through

a major over-spending phase.

Buying every damn thing-- cars, boats, watches.

- Really? - Yeah.

There were times we couldn'’t leave our castle

without being harassed by creditors.

- Oh.

- Did I mention the man leased a castle?

- Really? Like, in Europe?

- Girl, no. Vegas. - Oh.

- It had 19 bedrooms,though.

Whoo, lost my mama in there twice.

Aah! [laughter]

- That'’s why I would close the libraries, the parks,

the fire department, school boards--

- I-I'’m sorry, did you say you would

shut down the fire department?

- Yes. Let the free market do the work.

Stop sucking off the city'’s teat.

- So if it were up to you, we would have

a city full of dumb kids with nowhere to play

but burned-down houses.

- I'’m sorry, Connie, but as I sit here

and I watch Pastor Ballentine attack the good doctor

like this, I can'’t help but think

how these campaigns have a way of turning ugly.

I mean, don'’t the people deserve to hear

these issues debated in a calm and civilized manner?

I mean, this--this should be a--a conversation,

not a cage match.

- Hold--hold on, Ron.

I said those exact words to you earlier.

- Now, if Boyce is referring to approaching me

before the debate, it'’s true; he did.

- Thank you, Ron.

- And I firmly told him that Ron Saxby

does not engage in those shady backroom dealings.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That'’s not what happened.

- So you didn'’t approach him backstage?

- No, no, I approached him, you know?

But what I was--what I had-- I had started to, uh--

- A lot of hedging for a man of the cloth.

- Shame, shame, shame.

- You know, you and this crazy dentist

are twisting my words, man.

- I was hoping we could keep this friendly.

- No, no, no, I'’m the one who wanted

to keep it friendly; I'’m the nice one.

- We'’ll be back after a short break.

- I mean, come on.

[dramatic fanfare]

[inaudible]

It'’s some bull[bleep], is what it is.

- We are still on the air. - Oh.

- Okay, guys. We'’re back on in two minutes.

- Keesha, I need powder. I'’m feeling shiny.

- [groans]

- Boyce, can I ask you something?

Is this a setup? - What?

- Is your whole campaign a long con to ruin my career?

Because I'’ve never seen anybody debate like that on purpose.

- Why couldn'’t you just say, "Chin up! Attaboy!

Go get '’em, tiger!"

- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Baby, you are killin'’ it!

- Were you even watching? - Mm-hmm.

- Lolli, will you please talk some sense into your husband?

I'’ve got some grade-A dirt on Saxby, but he won'’t use it.

- I agree with Boyce. You can'’t do that to the Saxbys.

Linda'’s my friend.

- You'’ve known that woman for 20 minutes.

- And some people you like instantly.

Others, you know for months-- and nothing.

- Okay.

- Boyce, I respect your integrity,

as irritating as it is,

but you are getting creamed out there.

Why won'’t you at least listen to what I'’ve got?

- Fine. What is it? Come on.

- All right. I know for a fact

that the mayor of St. Louis

is into something

called "pony play."

- What? He--he plays with ponies? What--

- No, no, no. He isthe pony.

And he likes to have women ride him around.

Naked. - Oh.

Come on, that sounds like one of those crazy rumors.

I don'’t-- - Oh, really?

Is this a rumor? - Oh. Oh, wow.

Whoa, he--I mean, he got the hooves on and everything.

So how does he keep the tail on?

Oh! Oh, oh! No, no, no, no.

You know what?

That'’s the freakiest thing I'’ve ever seen,

and I shared a tour bus with R. Kelly, so...

- Back on the air in one, my friends.

- Okay. - So you'’re gonna use it, right?

- No, it--it'’s just too vicious right there.

If I use that against Saxby, then I'’m no better

than the politicians I hate, so...

- You'’re just gonna go out there and roll over.

- No, I can win this thing, still,

on my own terms.

I'’m just gonna go out there and fight.

You got to remember, I come from the streets.

- You come from Frontenac.

That'’s a very nice neighborhood.

- Well, they got streets.

You know, stuff went down out there.

I mean, people'’s bikes got stolen, you know?

Sometimes kids couldn'’t find their book bags.

I admit, Saxby caught me off guard in round one,

but in round two, I'’m coming out swinging.

- Hey, Boyce.

Stormy, this is my son Boyce

I was telling you about.

He'’s the one that laughed at me

for wearing a parka to Summerfest '’98.

- Ah, yes, a late-season cold front came barreling in

from Lake Superior.

- This boy was wearing flip-flops.

[laughter]

- You know, it'’s great to go down memory lane, guys,

but, Dad, I got to get back to the debate.

- You'’re doing great out there, son.

You'’re crushing Saxby.

- Is nobody in my family watching this thing?

[dramatic fanfare]

- Welcome back to KTAZ'’s Mayoral Debate.

Mayor Saxby, moving on

to the topic of pension reform, how would you--

- Sorry to interrupt you, Connie, but I'’d like to clarify

a few things from last round,

as long as my good friend Ron here doesn'’t mind.

- Well, actually, Boyce, I don'’t think it'’s--

- Good.

Now, you all saw me lose my temper, and you know what?

I'’m glad you did, because if I have to get mad

to let the people of St. Louis know that Saxby

is ripping them off, that he is balancing his budget

on their backs, then damn right I'’ll get mad,

and I'’ll make mad matter.

- Mayor Saxby, care to respond? - Yes, I would.

I find it interesting that Pastor Ballentine brings up

the city'’s budget, when there were years

the man couldn'’t even balance his own.

- Uh, say what, now?

- The truth is, even as Boyce Ballentine

raked it in as a show business celebrity,

his extravagant and irresponsible lifestyle

kept him from paying the rent on his castle.

- You told him? I-I thought we were friends.

- Well, of course we'’re friends.

This stuff'’s just politics.

Come on, Lolli. Don'’t be mad.

- How can I not be mad, Linda?

You stabbed me in the back.

- No, no, no, no, no, my husband

stabbed your husband in the back.

- '’Cause you gave him the knife!

- I'’m sorry. I forgot you'’re new at this.

I hope we'’re still on for "Scandal" Thursday.

- Don'’t make me take off my earrings.

- Okay. Oh.

- So I ask you,

can we afford to have this man

in charge of our city'’s checkbook?

- Pastor, is all this true?

- We'’ll be right back. Right, Connie?

We'’ll be right back.

Please say it.

- Where the hell did Saxby get that info?

The only people that knew about that time in my life

were me, Lolli, and my old accountant,

Dennis Chen. - Do you trust him?

- No, he'’s the one who told us we could afford the castle.

- Baby, we need to talk. - Look, babe, can it wait?

I mean, we'’re in crisis mode right now.

I believe Saxby has an inside man.

- Or woman. - Okay, sure, it'’s 2016.

Yes, I get it.

The point is, it'’s like he has a spy, you know--

- A spy who loves you very much

and thought she was friends with that snitch Linda.

- You mean your bestie Linda?

- So you told her? Why?

- Babe, we were chatting.

I mean, that'’s what ladies do when you'’re locked in a room

with sushi, wine, and nothing on TV.

- I'’m debating on TV.

- Boyce, I hope this opens your eyes

to the type of people we'’re up against.

- You know what? The man tells lies about me.

He steals my ideas. He manipulates my wife.

It'’s going down.

- Yes. Baby, whatever dirt

you have on Saxby, you use it.

- What are you talking about?

- I finally woke up, Dad.

Everything that I want to accomplish

means nothing if I don'’t win this election.

So I'’m about to go in there and take that man down

in his own filth.

- I am so proud of you right now.

This is what it must feel like to be a mother.

- I sure hope you know what you'’re doing,

going out there, slinging mud.

- Mud kills more people every year than hurricanes.

- And he would know.

- Dad, I can'’t let Saxby just walk all over me.

- Boyce, you'’ve got to think about your reputation.

- Why am I getting political advice

from Stormy Hernandez?

- Son, go ahead and do what you got to do.

All I'’m saying is, anytime you sling mud,

you end up getting some on yourself.

- But what choice do I have?

- All right, friends, places.

We'’re back live in one minute.

- You ready for another round, Pastor?

- [sighs] - That Saxby plays dirty, huh?

- Believe me, you don'’t know the half of it.

- What are you talking about?

- [sighs]

- I'’d like to focus this round

on the city'’s budget shortfall.

Dr. Zagelman, you fancy yourself a fiscal wonk.

- Correct, and after studying the great monetary theorists,

I have to conclude...

Mayor Saxby is a freaking sex pervert!

- Whoa! - What?

- Please. - I know for a fact

that he dresses up like a pony

and has women ride him around.

- That is an outrageous accusation.

- So you deny it?

- I'’m not even gonna dignify it with a response.

- That'’s not a denial.

- Okay, now, now, now. Look, guys.

Things are getting pretty unseemly.

I think the voters would like us to get back to the issues.

- Yes. - They'’re not interested

in whether or not a man likes to saddle up

and have a lady trot him around the yard.

- Which I never admitted to.

- Or denied.

- There'’s no reason for me to deny something

so patently ridiculous.

- Still not a denial.

- This is way better than "Scandal."

- Okay, gentlemen.

Let'’s get back on track here.

- Please. - Yes, you know what?

The candidates'’ personal lives should be off-limits.

And even if these sordid allegations

were true, my reaction as a pastor

would be to offer him counseling

or perhaps a sugar cube.

[laughs]

- The real question is,

do we want this man to represent our city?

And I say, "Neigh!"

- You son of a bitch! - Oh, yeah!

- Hey, okay, gentlemen. - You have no right--

- Come on, boy-- - Gentlemen!

[all shouting]

- Well played, Ballentine.

- Excuse me? - I know it was you.

- I don'’t know what you'’re talking about.

- Please, Zagelman'’s not capable of this.

Look at him. He'’s unhinged.

- I, uh, like my government small,

like my women.

- The Twittersphere is going crazy.

Our "Boyce the Choice" hashtag is trending.

- I don'’t understand a single word you just said.

- Boyce did good. - Say that next time.

- Okay, look, we both got our licks in,

so let'’s agree to keep it above the belt from here on out.

- No, no, that'’s not the way it works.

You'’re one of us now, Pastor, okay?

The difference is, I'’ve been here before.

- Yeah, I know.

It'’s not your first rodeo. - Oh!

- Okay, okay, that'’s funny. I'’m gonna destroy you.

- Yeah, well, bring it, man--

- Yeah, you know, why don'’t you

stay out of my husband'’s face?

- Why don'’t you rein your husband in?

- Oh, that'’s a good one. - Oh!

- Shut up, you quack.

- Quack? Who you calling quack? Me?

- Don'’t point your finger at my husband'’s face.

[all shouting at once]

- And we'’re back live in five...

[dramatic fanfare]

Four, three,

two,

one.

- I'’d like to thank all of the candidates

for being here tonight for what turned out to be

a very spirited debate.

From all of us at KTAZ, good night,

and I'’m sorry.

[dramatic fanfare]

- You [bleep]! - Yeah--

- We are still on.

- Hey, somebody'’s got my wallet.

[soul music]

♪

- ♪ The soul man

- ♪ Hey