Original subtitles

♪

- Baby!

Ha!

Bam!

- Wow, babe. That is a giant cake.

- But it'’s not every day

my husband'’s first campaign commercial airs.

- And you thought we should celebrate with diabetes.

- Okay, so you want me to take back the giant cake.

- Hey, now, now, now, don'’t get crazy.

[chuckles] You know?

You know what we need to wash this down.

- Milk? - Champagne.

- Ooh! Even better.

[sighs]

- Hey! - Oh!

- Shut up!

- Oh, Lolli! - Hello!

- It'’s Paul and Robyn, your old neighbors from Vegas!

- I know who you are.

- Well, you know, we thought you may have forgot,

you know, '’cause we moved to St. Louis a month ago,

and we keep calling you, and you never call us back.

- I am so sorry.

It'’s just that you guys moved right when Boyce

started his campaign, and things have just been crazy.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

- Ah, well, we get it. We just miss you, is all.

Seems like the only time we see you

is when Paul flies his drone over your house.

- Uh, his what, now?

- My remote-controlled drone.

Has an HD camera and a radius of 5 miles.

- By the way, you should'’ve talked to us

before you got that new fridge.

Paul'’s got a guy.

- Does he have a guy who could get us thicker curtains?

- Lolli, there'’s no secrets between us; we'’re family.

- Uh, well, technically, we'’re not related.

- Oh, we'’re like family.

- No, neighbors, but--

- We'’re very close.

- Sure.

- Anyway, uh, we should hang out

when you'’re a little less crazy.

What you doin'’ tonight?

- Uh, tonight?

- Oh, look at that huge cake.

You'’re having a party. Oh, that'’s perfect!

- [stammering] Uh, no, no, no.

We are nothaving a party.

- No? - It'’s--no.

- Lolli, got the bubbly!

- Oh! - Boyce! Hey!

[both laughing and cheering]

- Paul and Robyn.

- Look at all that champagne, Robyn!

Oh! It is a party!

- N-no. Oh, no, no, no.

No, it'’s just a... - Small...

- Small get-together

to watch my first campaign commercial.

- Oh, that sounds so exciting!

- It'’s a viewing party! - [laughs]

We'’ll be there! Well, what should we bring?

And don'’t tell us just to bring ourselves,

'’cause we'’re not rude like that.

[both chuckle]

- We never come empty-handed! - Haha!

Ooh, Paul, make a mixtape.

- Oh, I'’ma go all out.

♪ Boyce the Choice

- Oh!

[soul music]

♪

- If I knew you were inviting people,

I would'’ve called Cooter and '’em.

- We'’re not inviting people, Barton.

Paul and Robyn invited themselves.

- Well, your big-ass cake told on us.

- Boyce, let'’s just turn off the lights

and pretend like we'’re not home.

- That won'’t work.

They have a drone.

- I don'’t even know why you'’re friends with those people.

- Don'’t you have friends that you can'’t stand?

- Yeah, Cooter and '’em.

- Well, so much for my quiet evening.

- Babe, can we just

focus on the positive?

In less than an hour, all of St. Louis

is gonna see your great campaign commercial.

- Yeah...

- So proud my boy'’s gonna be on TV.

- Dad, when I was a singer,

I was on TV more times than I can count.

- I know,

but this time, I'’m gonna be proud.

[doorbell chimes]

- [groans]

- Hey! - Oh! Oh!

- Oh! [stammers] Nice hats.

- We took this picture of you from my drone.

- Yes! [chuckles]

- Your dad'’s here?

Shut up!

- We brought cake.

- Isn'’t that sweet?

The one thing you knew we already had.

- Eh...

- Hey, sorry we'’re late.

On the way over, we kept seeing

yard signs for that Saxby.

We tore them all out. [chuckles]

- How thoughtful.

- Uh, guys, look.

I appreciate the gesture,

but I can'’t have you doing that.

- Oh, well, of course not.Wink.

- No, I'’m serious.

I'’m trying to run a clean campaign.

- Clean as a whistle!

Wink, wink!

- Would you stop saying "wink"?

- Understood.

- Excuse me.

- Yeah, just put those right there.

- Hey! Paul and Robyn!

What'’s happening? What y'’all been up to?

- I'’m glad you asked.

We are now entrepreneurs, Stamps.

- Yeah, we'’re opening a business!

- What kind of business?

- Well, you know how those

Redbox DVD rental machines can be so confusing?

- No, not really.

- Well, you know how they'’re always outside,

so you'’re all gettin'’ just rained on?

- They'’re usually covered, but go on.

- Well, we'’re gonna open up a store

where you can rent those movies--

but inside!

- Haha!

- Y'’all are opening a video store?

- No, no, no-- the world'’s first Redbox store.

Now, of course, we gonna have employees that can,

you know, display their favorite movies on the shelf.

- You'’re describing a video store.

- I don'’t understand what'’s so hard about this--

- Ah, they just don'’t get it. - Don'’t understand this.

[doorbell chimes]

- I'’ll get it.

- I used one of those machines once.

Tried renting "Passenger 57" and ended up

with something called "My Big Fat Greek Wedding."

Now, who wants to watch that?

It did end up being a hell of a movie, though.

- [laughs]

- That daddy used Windex on everything.

- Yeah, he did. Yeah, he did.

[laughter]

- Alicia? I didn'’t know youwere coming over.

- Nice to see you too, Stamps.

Especially since you stood me up last night.

- Stood youup?

You texted me and said,

"Meet me in five to hit this."

- Well, I'’m sorry.

Should I have sent you flowers

and a teddy bear that says, "I wuv you beary much"?

- Alicia, what are you doing here?

- Oh, well, hey, brother,

uh, she is your campaign manager,

so, you know, clearly, she'’s here to see you.

[chuckles] Why would you even ask that?

What? Am I on trial here?

Everybody just needs to relax!

- Boyce, I have been calling and calling you.

- I know, and I'’ve been declining and declining you.

- Well, she--yes.

- We'’re in the middle of a campaign here.

- Yes--no? - No, no, no.

Not tonight, we'’re not.

Tonight is Boyce'’s night off. - Off, yeah.

- Which is perfect, because we need to strategize.

- We have to strategize.

So we--no. - No.

Alicia, it'’s a night off. - It'’s off a night--

- A night off to strategize.

- To strategize; it'’s a good thing.

- You need to get a life.

Don'’t you have a boyfriend

or a strong showerhead or something?

- Oh, so who'’s this

tall drink of skim milk?

- Never seen her on the drone.

- Guys, this is my campaign manager, Alicia.

- I'’m sorry. I didn'’t catch your names.

- Oh, well, we'’re Boyce and Lolli'’s best friends.

You must have heard of us. We'’re Paul and Robyn from Vegas.

- Oh, Paul and Robyn from Vegas.

I have heard such nice things about you.

[mouthing words]

So what brings you to St. Louis?

- Oh, I am glad you asked.

Do you love watching movies at home

but hate the inconvenience of streaming?

- Here we go.

- Now, what would you say if we told you

there was a place you could go

and rent DVDs with no hassle?

- You mean like a video store?

- Must be a Midwest thing. - Whoosh...

- Well, good luck with that, and vote for Boyce.

- Oh! Hey! Haha! - Oh! Of course! Yes!

- Look, Uh, Boyce and Lolli,

we wouldn'’t be your friends

if we didn'’t give you the chance

to get in on the ground floor of this thing.

- Oh, there it is!

They'’re looking for investors.

- Hear them out. This is a good idea.

You don'’t want to miss out on the next Facebook.

- Oh. Good news.

I'’ve got a window at 4:00 tomorrow.

Your place? - No.

- Well, I could push it to 4:10, but then it gets dicey.

- Alicia, I'’m not a piece of meat.

Are you even interested in me as a person?

I mean, you never ask me anything about myself.

- Okay, fine.

What'’s your favorite color?

- Oh, blue.

- Oh, mine too. This was meant to be.

Tomorrow at 4:00.

- Well, wait a minute, now!

- Ooh. Table beer.

- Oh, there'’s a whole energy right here.

- Mm-hmm.

- All right, everybody!

Boyce'’s commercial airs in 15 minutes.

- Oh, I'’m so excited!

Oh, um, Lolli, so how long

have Stamps and the white girl been, um, dating?

- Stamps and Alicia?

Ha!

[together] Ha!

- No, no, no, no. Don'’t laugh.

Robyn is very astute

at picking up on social cues.

- [gulps] - Is she now?

Uh, b-babe, you ain'’t gonna believe this.

Robyn thinks that this one and this one are smashin'’.

- Haha! Come on, now. That'’s ridiculous.

- Yeah. Ridiculous. - Pfft.

- Yeah, I just call '’em like I see '’em.

- Nothing gets past her.

That'’s why I couldn'’t cheat.

Not that I would, because I wouldn'’t,

but if I wanted to, which I don'’t, I couldn'’t.

[clears throat]

Love you, dumpling.

- Love you more.

- Well, you know, I hate to question someone

who'’s "never wrong," but you'’re wrong.

- Way wrong. - Couldn'’t be wronger.

- Okay, they'’re right. It'’s true.

- No--what the hell? No! - Say what now?

- When I say, "Always," you say, "Right"!

Always! - Right!

- Always! - Right!

When I say, "Never," you say, "Wrong"!

Never! - Wrong!

- Never! - Wrong!

- Oh, my goodness.

So you and you are...

- Smashing!

- Behind my back.

- Why did you tell them?

- Stamps, be realistic.

It was only a matter of time before this got out,

and I don'’t want to lie to Boyce.

- Oh, how noble of you.

- I can'’t believe this.

- I have needs, Boyce.

I'’ve been working very long hours,

and Stamps is very attractive.

He'’s in incredible shape.

I mean, have you seen his abs?

They'’re like speed bumps, just ba-ba--

- La-la-la! - Okay, all right. Okay.

That'’s enough. That'’s plenty.

- He is beautiful.

- The bottom line is, it was just sex--

very quick and to the point.

- She'’s not kidding.

I mean, if anything, I'’m the victim here.

I'’m the one that got hurt.

- Oh, it was a little hot wax.

Boo-hoo.

Can'’t we just please get past the fact

that I slept with Stamps a couple of times?

- It was 11.

I'’m a person!

- Oh, my God!

This is supposed to be

a relaxing evening for my husband.

- I mean, really, Alicia,

you come and tell me I'’m down in the polls,

and here you are, down on Stamp'’s--

- Baby!

- Okay!

Daddy, what did you do?

- Just checking on the score of the Cardinals game.

- You can'’t change the channel.

My commercial'’s about to come on.

- Well, I can'’t turn away!

Wainwright'’s working on a no-hitter.

- It'’s the second inning, Dad!

Turn it back.

- All right. All right.

What'’s got you so worked up?

- Ah... [mutters]

Just found out something about Stamps and Alicia.

- That they'’re getting it on?

- You knew?

Why didn'’t you say anything?

- I stay out of grown folks'’ business.

- You know what? My campaign has got enough problems.

I don'’t need this.

- Well, careful, Boyce.

If you stand in the way of their romance,

you risk pushing them closer together.

Toula'’s father found that out the hard way

in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding."

- Thank you, Dad. Big help.

- Hey, I just wanted to make sure we'’re cool.

- Cool?

You know, I don'’t think cool

is how I feel right now.

- Look, I'’m sorry if you felt I disrespected you,

but I spend 17 working hours a day,

every day, thinking about this campaign.

For one hour a day, I have me time.

Sometimes I take a hot bath,

sometimes I eat a brownie,

and sometimes, on low-carb days,

I booty-call your brother.

- If you'’d let me watch the Cardinals game,

I wouldn'’t have to listen to this.

- Alicia, I am in this campaign to win it.

Now, I need to know that you'’re giving me 100%.

And even if 1% of that

is slowed down by my brother'’s speed bumps,

then we have a problem.

- I am in this 100%, and if I have to kill Stamps

to get you elected, I will do it.

- Good.

You know, you can be terrifying sometimes.

- All right, everybody.

T minus two minutes until Boyce'’s commercial.

- Ah, look at you two!

Made up already, huh?

- Yeah, I knew you would.

I sensed it.

- Of course you did.

Should'’ve known you were a freak.

It'’s always the uptight ones.

- You know, I got to say,

I think it'’s pretty chill that you guys were able

to move past your snafu from earlier.

- Well, it'’s behind us, so...

- Well, I'’m just saying,

if I hired a superhot manager for our store

and she started sleeping with my brother--

- Hold up a minute, honey.

Who'’s this trollop you'’re hiring?

- Robyn, it'’s just a "for instance."

- Oh, oh, okay. So it'’s not a "Darlene from the bank"?

- Anyway, we'’re past it, guys. - Oh, come on, Paul.

Nobody goes in the bank anymore.

I know your game.

- Oh, God forbid we hire a little eye candy

to draw people into the store.

- Oh! So it isDarlene.

- She'’s very unhappy at the bank!

- Wait a minute. Wait.

Can'’t we just put a pin in this for now?

- You really think you got a shot at Darlene?

You'’re not cut like Stamps.

- I really don'’t want to be involved--

- Take the compliment!

And there'’s no way that hoochie Darlene

is working in our store!

- Would you two calm down?

No one cares about your stupid store!

- Stupid?

- Your father doesn'’t think it'’s stupid.

He'’s investing in it.

- What? - What?

- Dad, you can'’t do that!

- I just really miss video stores.

- Dad, no one goes to video stores anymore.

They'’re obsolete.

- That'’s what they said

about Toula'’s travel agency.

- Enough with "My Big Fat Greek Wedding."

- You should watch it. You might learn something.

- You know, if I do, I'’ll stream it,

like everybody else does in the world today.

- Why you got to be so negative about our store, Boyce?

- Because it'’s a terrible idea.

It'’s 30 years too late.

I can'’t believe you two are so clueless.

- We'’re clueless?

You'’re the one that didn'’t know

your campaign manager and your brother

were bumping uglies under your nose.

- Okay, that was unnecessary.

- Yeah, and we have moved past it.

- Oh, yeah? Then why does it keep coming up?

- '’Cause y'’all keep bringing it up!

- All I wanted was a nice, quiet evening with my family.

- Well, Boyce, we'’re--

- Ba-ba-ba-ba. Do not say that we are family.

Because we are not family.

Not by blood. Not by marriage.

We'’re not even play cousins.

- [gasps]

Well, if you hate us so much, why did you invite us?

both: We didn'’t!

- Okay.

We know when we'’re not welcome.

- Really? Did you sense it?

- Okay. You just lost our vote.

- Oh, great. - Good-bye.

We'’re gonna go put all those Saxby signs back up.

- Yeah, because we are Saxby people now.

- Mm-hmm. - Good. Go to his house.

- ♪ Saxby the Choice

- What he said!

- Don'’t--don'’t take my sign!

- Hey, guys! Guys, it'’s on! It'’s on!

- Ooh!

- I'’m Boyce Ballentine,

and I approve this message.

[all sighing and groaning]

- Whoa, whoa. Did we just miss my commercial?

- Well, the last two seconds were great.

- Let'’s watch the ball game, then.

- Bro, I'’m really sorry

about the whole mess with Alicia.

I mean, I tried to break it off with her for, like, a week,

but, man, she wants what she wants.

- Oh, I know.

She'’s a piece of work.

- Trying to tell her "no"

is like being on the phone with a credit card company.

You keep saying,

"Representative, representative."

But the machine just ignores you

and makes you keep having sex with it.

- I was with you right up until the end there, uh...

- Ah! There he is.

The "milkman."

- Uh, not anymore, Lolli.

Today is the day I'’m gonna go to Alicia and end it.

- Good for you, Stamps.

I mean, you saying no

to unlimited sex with no strings attached--

I'’m impressed.

- I know.

I don'’t know who I am anymore.

- Babe, even though last night

was not the relaxing evening

we planned for, the plus side is,

we got Paul and Robyn out of our lives.

- And you know what?

Even if I lose to Saxby by two votes,

it'’s totally worth it.

- Ha! You know that'’s right.

- And I bet you, if we checked our phones right now,

we'’d have ten messages from them.

- Oh, yeah.

"It'’s Paul and Robyn,

your neighbors from Vegas."

- "We can'’t stay mad at you."

both: "Shut up!"

- Oh...

No, I don'’t have any messages.

You? - I got one. Let'’s see here.

No, it'’s nothing.

Just another robocall from Saxby.

- Hmm... How do you feel?

- I don'’t know. How do you feel?

- [scoffs] I feel good!

I feel terrible.

I feel like I just kicked a puppy into another puppy.

- Me too. I mean, I don'’t get it.

It'’s what we wanted for years.

No more Paul and Robyn.

So why do we feel so bad?

- I don'’t know!

- Well, you know what?

What'’s done is done. We can'’t dwell on it.

Might as well just kick back and enjoy the quiet.

- Agreed.

[sighs]

both: Damn it!

- Look, Alicia, we need to talk.

- Oh, Stamps, hey. We'’re over.

- I-I'’m sorry.What?

- Us hooking up-- it'’s run its course,

and now it'’s getting in the way,

so moving on.

- No! No, no, no. No.

Now, I was gonna break up with you, man!

- Oh. Good!

No. No, no, no!

It'’s not good!Okay?

You'’ve been in control of this every step of the way.

At least let me have this.

- Okay, fine. Proceed.

- Thank you.

[huffs] Look, Alicia, you know,

we have had a really good time,

and you'’re a sweet girl,but...

[cell phone ringing]

It'’s best that I move-- - Ooh!

I'’ve been waiting for this reporter

to get back to me all day.

- You'’ve got to be kidding me.

- Can we just put a pin in this

and then wrap it up later?

Great!

Bob. Oh, hey.

Oh, no, this is a perfect time.

Uh-huh. That'’s right!

- She'’s hurting on the inside.

- Bob, you crazy bastard. I love it!

- Do we need Spanish onions?

- I don'’t know.

Get a couple to be safe.

- How are we on pluots? - I don'’t know.

- Oh! - [gasps]

- No, shut up! Shut up! - Shut up!

- It'’s Boyce and Lolli,

your old neighbors

when you lived in Vegas!

- Oh. Hey.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know who you are.

- It is so great to see you guys!

- Hey, hope there'’s no hard feelings about what happened.

- Whatever you say. It'’s cool.

- Yeah. We'’ll see you around.

- Yeah.

- Well, guess we'’re finished shopping.

- Hey, uh, what do you have in there?

Pretzel sticks, peanuts, and Rice Chex?

- You, uh, putting together a little--little party mix?

- Yes, we are.

- Yeah. Party.

And I was thinking,

if the two of you are not busy--

- [shrieks] - Of course we'’re coming!

- Can'’t stay mad at our best friends!

- All right!

- We got the karaoke machine in the Winnebago!

- I'’m not even surprised.

♪ Paul the Wall

- Hey, hey! - ♪ Boyce the Choice

[soul music]

♪

- ♪ The soul man

- ♪ Hey