Original subtitles

- Hello, Mr. Wallach.

My name is Boyce Ballentine.

I'’m running for mayor of St. Louis,

and I could really use your support.

A donation of any sort--hello?

- Hello, Ms. Maynard. My name is Lolli Ballentine,

and my husband Boyce Ballentine is running for mayor, and--

Hello?

Come on!

- Keep it going.

The key to fundraising is persistence.

- I'’ve gotten like three hang-ups in a row.

One guy did keep me on the phone for a while

but I had the feeling he was touching himself.

- Did he ask you what you have on?

I got the same dude. All right.

- Keep rolling those calls, Kelvin,

and remember, put a smile in your voice.

- Oh, but I hate it.

I hate--I hate, hate, hate-- hey!

Mr. Bendix, my name is Lolli Ballentine...

And my husband Boyce Ballentine is running for mayor, and I--

[dial tone] Hate, hate, hate it!

- You'’re doing great.

Keep '’em going, Kelvin.

- Son, we need to talk.

- Dad, I can'’t right now.

I got 1,000 more fundraising calls to make.

- This can'’t wait.

This is not about running for mayor.

This is about the job you already have

as leader of your church.

Yesterday'’s sermon was terrible.

That whole thing about Jesus

being the turn signal that never stops blinking?

- I came up with that in the car.

- No kidding.

Son, you'’re stretching yourself too thin.

You can'’t run a campaign and a church at the same time.

- I know, Dad.

I got to find a preacher to sub for me.

You think you can help me out?

- Don'’t look at me. I'’m retired.

- I mean, I wasn'’t looking at you.

I'’m saying can you help me find somebody?

- I'’ll start making some calls.

Before you start writing your sermons on the commode.

- You will?

Thank you, Mr. Heflin.

How much can I put you down for?

Three doll--$3?

Come on, man!

You can'’t be that cheap!

You'’re that stingy that--

At least I was smiling.

[soul music]

♪

- Hey, Alicia.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

- Yeah, absolutely.

- So, you know, I was thinking about

my role in the campaign. - Mm-hmm.

- Or maybe I should say, "lack of role"

because, you know, sometimes I feel like I'’m not--

Are you listeningto me?

- Yeah, of course. Lack of something?

- Right, right.

You know, I heard a new expression today.

It'’s called "phubbing."

You know, phubbing is a combination

of "phone" and "snubbing."

Yeah, it'’s one of those new words you get

when you put old words together, like "Sharknado."

- I'’m sorry, what?

- Okay, let'’s start again.

"Sharknado." Half shark, half tornado--

- Hey, hey. - Finally!

Where have you been?

- Oh, just went to lunch.

It'’s only been, like, 15 minutes.

- Yeah.

You do not want me on these phones when I'’m hangry.

- See? "Hangry."

"Hungry" and "angry."

- Look, you can eat lunch when you get home tonight.

- Uh, that would be dinner. - That'’s dinner.

- Whatever. I can'’t just have you two

skipping off whenever you feel like it.

Look at this ad Saxby'’s campaign just dropped.

- He seems like a good guy.

But what do we really know about Pastor Boyce Ballentine?

In 2004, he appeared on UPN'’s "Celebrity Home Wreckers,"

with Dennis Rodman...

- I told you not to do that.

- The same Dennis Rodman who went to North Korea

and met with Kim Jong-Un,

a dictator with nuclear missiles

that could reach Hawaii.

That'’s a risk we can'’t afford to take.

- Paid for by St. Louisans to Re-Elect Ron Saxby.

- You know what? They can'’t air that.

That'’s crazy.

- Yeah, Boyce loves Hawaii.

- That is why we need to be raising

as much money as possible

so we can make our own misleading and defamatory ads.

- We'’re already on the phones all day.

- I'’m not talking about the phones.

What if I told you I could solve

all of your money problems in one night?

- Is it legal?

- [laughs]

It'’s an election.

Everything is legal.

- I didn'’t think that was a dumb question.

- [laughs]

You keep me young.

- Laugh again, and you won'’t get any older, okay?

- So what'’s the solution to our problems?

- Denny Doyle.

He owns all those 59 Cents Stores

that sell loose batteries and Mexican cereal.

- Those places are nasty.

- But he is a huge fan of Boyce.

- Well, I do like Mexican cereal.

- And he really likes me?

- Well, sure, but he really hates Saxby.

All you have to do is go to a dinner at his estate,

make nice, and he will hand you a big fat check.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This isn'’t one of those indecent proposals

where a guy gives Boyce money

to have his way with me.

- Lolli. - I'’m just saying.

Whatever gets me off these stupid phones.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Well, Reverend, the folks at First Baptist were right.

You are terrific.

- Well, thank you all for having me.

I'’d be honored to help you out.

- All right, we'’ll be in touch.

- All right.

- [chuckles] All right.

- Not bad, huh? - Yeah, I like him.

- Next!

- What was wrong with him?

- That suit? That jewelry?

Son, you'’re hiring a pastor, not a pit boss.

- The man was fragrant.

- I get my aftershave at the 59 Cents Store.

- Daddy, if you'’re gonna reject every single candidate,

we'’ll never find a replacement.

- Son, I'’m not just gonna hand our congregation over

to any clown with a Bible.

- Mm-hmm. Clowns are scary.

- Would you stop agreeing with every crazy thing my daddy says?

- Your dad is the founding pastor of this church.

He has earned my respect. - Thank you.

- And he scares me. More than clowns.

- All right, look, I got to get to an event.

And, Daddy, you got to pick somebody, anybody.

And I don'’t care if it'’s a tongue-tied rapper

without a Wikipedia page,okay?

[upbeat music]

- [gasps]

[whispers] Boyce!

This is fabulous!

- Wow.

Guess those 59 cents add up, hmm?

- Ah, Pastor Ballentine!

- How are you? - And you must be Lolli.

- Oh! [laughs]

- I'’m Denny Doyle. Big fan, big fan.

- You know, my daddy'’s actually a big fan of your aftershave.

- Old Space?

It'’s a 59 Cents Store version of Old Spice.

You can also use it to kill ants.

- And we have never seen an ant on your daddy.

- Thank you so much for coming.

You know, I'’ve studied your platform,

and I'’ve got to say, it'’s terrific.

You'’re just the voice people need in City Hall.

- Nice, nice. Do you hear what he did, babe?

You heard that, right? That was nice.

- Smooth. Very smooth.

- I'’m excited for you to meet my friends who--

wink, wink--are also very generous.

Please, now, make yourselves at home.

The bar is in the living room.

You should try my store brand vodka, Grey Moose.

- Is that your version of Grey Goose?

- Grey what, now?

Just kidding.

Don'’t worry, I broke out the good stuff for you guys.

All right, enjoy.

- I like this guy!

- Now that dude'’s check won'’t bounce.

- Oh, Boyce.

This beats the heck out of

begging for money on the phone.

audience: Ooh!

I want a drink. Where'’s the bar?

- Over there by that big-ass Confederate flag.

- Sorry. I need this more than you do.

- So you are seeing this, right?

- Yes, it'’s a very large flag.

- Yes, it is.

But it wasn'’t the size that jumped out at me.

- Boyce, you know how rich people are.

They collect all sorts of crazy crap.

- You know what, you'’re right.

I bet you in the next room is probably a picture

of Martin Luther King or Tupac or something.

No, there'’s just more Confederate flags.

- I just saw flags.

- Unlike Boyce Ballentine, Mayor Ron Saxby will always

put the city of St. Louis ahead of Communist North Korea.

- Damn you, Saxby. I will take you down.

- You know, I'’ve been working on some ideas for Boyce'’s ad

and I was thinking that--

- Stamps, I have professionals working on it.

Isn'’t there a gym open somewhere?

- Ah. Oh yeah, I get it.

You think that I'’m just biceps and abs.

But I'’m a person with a lot of layers.

Sure, the top layer is 2% body fat,

but I could be very useful to this campaign.

- All right, let'’s review.

I put you on voter registration;

you hit on women.

I had you put up lawn signs; you hit on women.

I sent you to do community outreach at the Elks Lodge,

and somehow you still hit on women.

- Wait.Come on.

Just give me a chance to pitch myself.

- Go ahead. - All right--No, no, no, no.

No phubbing. - What, now?

- I explained it to you yesterday.

- I don'’t remember.

- Because you were looking at your phone.

Yeah, you'’re addicted!

You'’re like a baby with its blankie.

- I am not! I'’m just busy.

- Okay, I bet you can'’t put your phone down for 30 minutes.

- No, I can'’t. I'’m running a campaign.

- 15 then, okay? It'’s 7:45 now.

Give me till 8:00. - [groans]

- Oh. Baby need her blankie?

- Fine, but you call me "baby" again,

and I will end you.

- This is gonna be fun!

- Ugh.

[upbeat music]

- So if you want to be our new pastor,

we need to know that you share

the same values as our community.

Tell me, what is the most important thing to you?

- Family.

- Wrong. It'’s God. Next.

The story of the poor widow'’s offering

is told in two of the gospels. Which--

- Mark 12:41-44 and Luke 21:1-4.

- Oh. Someone knows his stuff!

- What coins did-- - Two mites.

- How many mites in a quadrans?

- There are two mites in a Roman quadrans.

- How many leptons in a mite? - Three. No, four.

- A lepton isa mite! Next!

- Shh, shh, shh. It'’s okay, brother.

Let it out.

It'’s not you. It'’s him.

You are a mean, terrible, old man!

- I said "next."

- I can'’t stay in this man'’s house

with that thing hanging on the wall.

Come on, let'’s get out of here.

- Boyce, we will be fine without his money.

- Yeah.

We'’ll just have to make some more phone calls.

- Phone calls? - Let'’s go.

- Before we go, let'’s consider

that wemight be the ones who are prejudiced.

- How so?

- Maybe he'’s just a fan of "The Dukes of Hazzard."

- You know what, I did like "The Dukes of Hazzard."

And I never thought of them as racist.

- Me neither! I always wore

my little cut-off Daisy Dukes.

- And that doesn'’t make you a bad person.

Hell, that'’s half the reason I married you.

There he is. Hey.

- Look at that wave. He seems so nice.

- I know, and he'’s gonna write me a big check,

which is also nice.

[both sigh]

- And he'’s got a black friend.

- He probably got a lot of black--

- Oh, damn. - Oh Lord, that'’s the caterer.

- Boyce, I hate to say it,

but we should probably call Alicia.

- You know, good thinking.

She'’ll know what to do here.

Plus she'’s alwayson call.

- So really, if I hadn'’t gotten my driver'’s license taken away,

Boyce would'’ve never started the fight with City Hall,

and he wouldn'’t be running for mayor.

- So you'’re a bad driver, a screw-up,

and a burden on your brother.

- I prefer the term "catalyst for change."

[phone buzzing]

- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! No blankie.

- Just let me see who it is.

- Sure. In nine minutes.

[phone buzzing]

- [sighs] Damn it.

I keep trying to text Alicia and every time

I put in the word "debacle," it autocorrects to "DeBarge."

- Boyce, he'’s coming this way. What do we say?

What do we say?

both: Hey.

- Boyce, Lolli, why are your glasses empty?

- We are drinking a lot faster than normal.

- Before I forget, I got you a little something.

- Oh, whoa. - Whoa!

That'’s one more zero than I expected.

- Well, you two are more delightful than I expected.

- [laughing] - Thank you, Denny.

We appreciate it.

You know, we couldn'’t help but notice

that you have a big collection of, um...

things.

- Flags and such. - Oh.

- Now, that'’s a real piece of Missouri history.

It'’s an original. 150 years old.

- Amazing in all that time it wasn'’t destroyed.

- I know. Especially these days.

Luckily I got it before people

started making such a big hullabaloo.

- [mutters unintelligibly]

- Oh, excuse me.

- Boyce, I guarantee you that somewhere in this house,

that man has Django, chained.

- So everyone was telling me,

"What kind of road managerare you,

booking Boyce '’the Voice'’ at the Grand Ole Opry?"

Well, I'’ll tell you what kind:

a smart one.

- Wow, they liked him?

- Oh, God no.

They booed him off the stage.

The smart part was, I got him paid up front.

Now, in terms of dollars per minute.

Boyce is the highest paid performer in showbiz history.

- All right, I admit you tell

some pretty good stories, Stamps.

But I'’m not sure how that proves

you'’d be an asset to the campaign.

- I'’ll tell you what it proves.

You said you'’d give me till 8:00?

Well, it'’s almost 9:00.

- Oh, my God, is it?

- Heh, I just Grand Ole Opry'’d your ass.

- [scoffs]

- See, Alicia,

this is my skill, okay?

I can sell people anything.

Now, come on.

Boyce has done so much for me.

I want to do something for my brother.

- All right. - Thank you.

Here'’s your phone.

- Oh, my God! Ten messages from Boyce?

Boyce, what'’s wrong? Did you get the check?

- I got the check, but I don'’t think I can keep it.

The man has a Confederate flag hanging on his wall.

- Huh.

- Yeah.

- Let'’s handle this in a sane, thoughtful manner.

Why don'’t you take the check,

we'’ll spend it on ads, and then when you'’re mayor

we'’ll discuss whether it was the right thing to do.

- No. He and I are going to discuss this now.

- [exasperated sigh]

Great.

- Boyce, Lolli, chocolate-covered strawberry?

- Wow!

- Not now, Denny. - Oh, don'’t worry.

They'’re not from my store.

They'’re fresh.

- Look, we appreciate that, but I gotta tell you.

You know all those people that made a hullabaloo

about the Confederate flag?

Well, I'’m one of those people.

- Oh, come on, Boyce.

It'’s just a historical artifact.

- Yeah, an artifact of slavery.

- It'’s my heritage.

- A heritage of slavery.

- Okay, slow down there, Boyce.

- You see, my ancestors were just proud people

fighting for their independence.

- Well, so were mine.

Independence from your people.

- Boyce, I just want to talk about the future of the city.

Why are we arguing about something

that happened 150 years ago?

- Because you have the flag hanging in there now.

- Yeah, making it seem like those were the good ol'’ days.

- Now wait just a cotton-pickin'’ minute.

- Why does our minute gotta have cotton in it, Denny?

- I don'’t understand why y'’all are making such a big deal

about all this. - See? That'’s just it.

You don'’t get it, do you?

If you understood what that flag means to millions of people,

you wouldn'’t keep decorating with it.

- Ah! - Yeah.

- I still don'’t get it. - Okay.

You know what? We'’re done here.

You can keep your check.

- I'’m surprised,Boyce.

I thought you were one of the good ones.

- Oh, I know you didn'’t go all the way therewith it.

- I meant one of the good politicians.

- Don'’t catch a case.

- I know he ain'’t gonna roll up on my like that, baby.

I'’ll take your little 59 Cent and make change.

[platter clatters]

- I was gonna eat one of those.

- So I can put you downfor $75?

Thank you for your support.

Hey. - $3?

Thank you for your support.

- Well, I did my best, son,

but I couldn'’t find you a substitute pastor.

- You gotta be kidding me.

- None of '’em measured up.

- Oh. Oh, yeah, they were terrible, Pastor.

One guy had a bad haircut.

One guy had his watch on the wrong wrist.

Then there was the guy who blinked too much.

Then there was the guy who didn'’t blink enough.

- It was like watching a robot preach.

- Well, guess we'’re stuck without a preacher,

since clearly nobody, nobody at all,

is qualified to do the job.

- Okay, you twisted my arm. I'’ll do it.

- Of course you will. Come on, admit it, Daddy.

This is what you wanted the whole time.

- Wow!

- Don'’t "wow."

I don'’t know what y'’all talking about.

- Really, Daddy?

You get to preach and complain about it.

That'’s like heaven on Earth for you.

- Well, fine, I won'’t do it then.

- I'’ll do it! - [sighs]

- So look, on Sunday when you first get up there,

you just want to... - You know what?

You Ballentines are mean.

- Lester, you know I'’m kidding. Lester, come on now.

You made him mad, Daddy.

Lester, I ain'’t gonna call you again.

both: Lester! Lester!

- My throat is sore.

Can I be finished on the phones?

- Nope. Set her up, Kelvin.

- It'’s pointless.

I'’ve been on the phone two hours.

You know I could have made more money drumming on a bucket

in front of the grocery store?

- Oh, come on, Mr. Bradley. I thought we were tight.

Dig a little deeper, dog.

Ah! That'’s what I'’m talking about.

Oh, yeah. You and I are going to do shots

at Boyce'’s victory party, let me tell you.

[chuckles] All righty, all righty.

Buh-bye. That'’s already $250.

Hey, Kelvin, hit me again. Time is money.

What'’s up, Loll? Hey, Ms. Keller?

Let me ask you, how do you feel about freedom?

[chuckles] Me too. Me too.

- Do you want me to ask Stamps

to help you with your phone technique?

- Hell no. I'’ll show you technique.

Hit me, Kelvin.

- Hello, Mr. Kinnard, this is Lolli,

and I have something very important

to talk you you about.

Oh, I'’m sorry, punkin, is your daddy home?

Put him on the phone.

Put him on the phone!

[soul music]

♪

- ♪ The soul man

- ♪ Hey