Original subtitles

- Hey, hey, everybody. - Hey, Pastor.

- Hey! - Hey. How you doing?

- Hey, Pastor, First Lady. - Ooh!

Lookin'’ good!

- Did they charge by the inch?

- Listen up, everybody. Oh, good, you'’re here.

I have a questionnaire for you to fill out.

- Why are these guys shorter than me?

- Our focus group said this was the most relatable height.

- Where was this focus group from?

Munchkinland?

- They also find your sarcasm off-putting.

Now, if I'’m going to run this campaign effectively,

I need to know everything about all of you.

- Like what?

- Anything from any of your pasts

that could embarrass this campaign.

I am talking brushes with the law,

tax problems, questionable associates...

- I'’m gonna need some more paper.

- Any sexual indiscretions.

- Keep the paper a-coming.

- Look. I have nothing to hide.

- Pastor'’s an open book.

He'’s the best man I know.

- Oh, thank you, Merv.

I don'’t know about all that, but he is right.

- So there'’s no chance there are any pictures of your...

personal business floating around out there?

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

I keep my business out the streets.

- Okay, so then what'’s this?

[both gasp]

- Oh, my God.

- Pastor, you nasty.

- Hey, Shirley, would you mind?

Shirley?

Look, it was the '’90s, you know?

I was on tour with Cameo then.

You know, we all had the cups going...

- Boyce!

This isn'’t you.

- [sighs] - Oh. Oh, good.

Great. '’Cause I-- at first I thought

somebody caught me getting out the pool.

That'’s...

- The point is you weren'’t sure it wasn'’t,

and that is a problem.

Now, if there is anything like this out there,

I need to know.

- Look, Alicia--

- Ah. It'’s Ah-lees-eya.

- Boyce, why she got her hand up?

- Okay... - Why?

- [murmuring] Just keep them down.

[mouthing] Hands down. - Listen.

You need to ratchet it down a little bit, okay?

I'’ma ask you to chill.

- Oh, I don'’t chill. You chill, you lose.

When I am on a campaign, I don'’t eat, I don'’t sleep.

I just work.

The closest thing I'’ve had to a date

in the last six months

is when I printed this out.

- Okay. Would you mind not pointing that thing at me?

- Okay. Homophobic.

That'’s not gonna help.

[soul music]

♪

- Lolli? - Hey, Babe.

- Babe, it'’s 3:00 in the morning.

What are you doing?

- Hating you for buying these little bite-sized cookies.

How many of these little cookies you think it takes

to make one regular cookie?

I'’m hoping 32.

- Okay. What'’s wrong?

- Okay, Boyce, I might as well tell you,

'’cause like Alicia said, it'’s gonna come out eventually.

- Tell me what?

- Okay, Boyce, you remember last spring

when me and the girls went on that Chocolate Chick weekend?

- Yeah. I remember.

You came home all hungover.

Breath smelling like happy hour and last call had a baby.

- Yeah. Yeah. I had too much to drink.

together: Way too much-- - To drink.

I know. Okay, well,

a woman attacked me, Boyce, and I got into a fight.

- Well, Lolli, that'’s self-defense.

They can'’t blame you for that.

- Well...there'’s more.

I wound up on the floor,

and people started taking pictures

'’cause my booby popped out.

- Oh--oh! Which one?

Laverne or Shirley?

- Laverne.

- Babe, are you--you sure the pictures are out there?

- Boyce. Cameras, these, the Internet.

You know how these things go.

- [sighs]

So where are they?

- I don'’t know. It'’s not like I go around

Googling my own naked boobies on the Internet.

- This could be bad for the campaign.

We gonna have to call Alicia.

- It'’s Ah-lees-eya.

And don'’t bother.

I don'’t want to hear her mouth.

My chest, my mess.

- Now you got me worried.

- I'’m sorry, babe.

Here. Have a cookie.

- You know, I'’m gonna take one more.

- Pastor!

Welcome to your new campaign headquarters.

- Not bad.

Hey, whoa, my man,

Are you about to throw that satellite dish away?

- I'’ll sell it to you. Deep discount.

- And I can get all the NBA games if I put that up?

- Just got to call the satellite company and open an account.

- But if I'’m paying the satellite company,

don'’t they give me a satellite dish for free?

- They do.

- Okay, I can see why you going out of business.

Go on.

- Pastor, how you like the sign?

- Ah, very nice.

You know what, Mervin?

Just one little thing.

Can you make sure that the sign faces outside?

I believe all the people inside know it'’s headquarters already.

- [laughs] Ha oh! My bad.

There you go, thinking like a mayor.

[both laughing]

- I'’ll fix it after lunch.

- Well, if you--okay.

- Great news. I just got confirmation

Channel 6 News will be here interviewing you live.

- Really? That'’s fantastic.

- Now, I combed over your personal details,

and I need you to clean up a few things

before they get out and bite us.

- Like what? - Well, first,

I understand Lolli has a fur coat.

- Oh, no, that'’s not Lolli'’s.

- Well, then it definitely needs to go.

And, uh, your employee Mervin Brenningham?

- Yeah, what about Merv? - You need to fire him.

- What? Why?

- He has an arrest record.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. You know what?

He did get in a little trouble,

but he did community service, and then he came to me

and he said, "Pastor, I need your help."

And together we worked it out, you know?

It is a really inspiring story.

- He was groping women'’s behinds.

- Oh, it wasn'’t groping. It was cupping.

- I don'’t know what that is.

- Well, cupping.

You know, well, as Mervin explained it in court--

and the judge saw the distinction here--

Um, "groping" is groping.

[makes growling sounds]

- [mouthing words] - But he was cupping,

which is bi-- no clenching involved.

And, uh, I'’m still not defending it, you know.

I'’m just saying I'’m gonna make sure we acknowledge

his actual crime, which was cupping, you know?

But the thing is, everybody deserves a second chance, right?

- I can see you'’re very passionate about this.

- Thank you. - Fire him.

- Hey, Lolli!

I got your text. What'’s up?

- Stamps, you watch tons of porn.

- Is this an intervention? Because I'’ve cut down.

- Listen. I got a serious situation.

I need to find pictures of boobies on the Internet,

and I don'’t know where to look.

- Where wouldn'’t you look?

I mean, the Internet is 87% boobs.

The other 13% is cats.

- Okay, I'’m not just looking for any boobs.

I'’m...I'’m looking for a specific pair of breasts.

- Cool. What, exactly, are you looking for?

Big? Small?

Pierced? Lopsided? Cross-eyed?

- No, Stamps!I'’m...

I'’m looking for mine,okay?

Look,

this cannot leave this room.

There'’s a picture of my loose boob on the Internet.

I need to find it and take it down

before it hurts Boyce'’s campaign.

[Stamps laughs] - What?

- Man, that'’s great.

I thought I'’d be the one to derail Boyce'’s campaign.

Ha-ha!

- Will you help me?

- Okay, okay, look. Let me just start

with a basic image search.

All right, give me some keywords.

- Okay, uh...

Chicago.

Uh...chick fight.

Bountiful.

Uh...

World'’s largest areola.

- All right. Let'’s see what we got.

- Wait, wait! Don'’t look!

- Well, if I can'’t look, how am I gonna know it'’s you?

- Well-- well, just glance.

Why don'’t you just-- just squint?

A-and blink.

At the same time.

Squink!

- I'’m squinking. Lolli, this hurts!

- Ugh. [door slams]

- Hi, babe. - Hey, bro.

- Hey, y'’all. What'’s going on?

- Nothing. Stamps is just helping me find

a picture of my loose boob on the Internet.

- Y'’all check "world'’s largest areola"?

together: Something'’s wrong.

- Boyce?

What'’s wrong?

- Babe, you know Mervin from the office?

- Yeah. Merv the Perv.

- Merv the Reformed Perv.

Alicia wants me to fire him. Said he can hurt my campaign.

- Well, that makes sense. You should can him.

- Babe. But he'’s a new man.

You know, I'’m not condoning what he did,

but is he gonna have to pay for it forever?

- You'’re right. You got to keep him.

- [exhales] But if I keep him,

then he could cost me the election.

[scoffs/laughs] Then that'’s helping nobody.

- Boom. Sacrificial lamb.

Get him out of there.

- You know what? To heck with it.

Merv put his faith in me,

and I can'’t betray him like that.

I'’d rather lose this election being myself

than to win being somebody I'’m not.

You feel me, babe?

Babe?

Lolli? Lolli!

- Huh? Oh, I'’m sorry.

I just thought of a new keyword for my image search.

Stamps!

Google "chocolate heaven"!

- Can you excuse us?

- Okay, don'’t go too far.

I don'’t want to be shiny.

- Boyce, listen to me.

This Mervin thing is gonna come out,

blow up in your face, and bite you in the ass.

- My face and my ass?

When they find out you have a deviant on your payroll,

you are gonna spend the rest of this campaign

on the defensive. - Well, you know what?

Then I'’ll just go on the offensive.

Look, I'’ve been a public figure for years.

I think I know a thing or two about handling the press.

The bottom line: I'’m not turning my back on Mervin.

- No one should turn their back on Mervin.

- He'’s reformed!

He'’s reformed.

- Lolli, I can'’t find them.

- Stamps, come on.

They gotta be out there somewhere.

- I'’m telling you, I'’ve searched every site I can think of.

I even went to "Big-ol'’-jigglies-dot-com."

- Did you go to "Big-ol'’-jigglies-dot-net"?

- Yes.

Dot-org?

- Lolli, please.

I'’ve looked at thousands of pictures of women'’s breasts,

and I never thought I'’d say this, but I'’m hootered out.

- Stamps, let'’s just be clear.

I got to find those pictures and get them taken down.

Permanently. - I do know a guy.

Someone who can comb the far reaches of the Deep Web.

But it'’s gonna cost you.

- Well, okay, Stamps. Money is no object.

Not when it comes to Boyce'’s campaign.

- All right. I'’m reaching out to The Wolf.

- What kind of stupid name is The Wolf?

- I'’m Megan Farrington,

and I'’m here today with Pastor Boyce Ballentine.

- Ooh, my baby'’s on TV!

- Thank you, Megan. I appreciate your time.

- Now, you'’ve been many things in your life,

from Boyce the Voice to Boyce the Pastor.

- I believe you'’re forgetting that brief reggae phase

when I was Boyce Lion.

♪ Island lady

♪ Smell like mango

♪ Oh-oh-oh

Watch me!

- So, now, Reverend, you want to be mayor?

What prompted you to get into this race?

- Well, Megan, I love St. Louis.

But we have lost our priorities.

The city is balancing its budget

on the backs of the little guy, and that'’s got to change.

- You tell '’em, baby!

- You'’re going up against Mayor Ron Saxby,

who has years of experience in government.

Now, you'’ve never held public office in your life.

- Well, Mayor Saxby has years of experience

saying one thing and doing another.

Now, I'’m not a politician. I won'’t abandon

what I stand for just to score some political points,

even though some people on my own campaign

urge me to do just that.

- Can you give us an example?

- Well, sure.

For one, there is a guy who works for me

that a while back got in a little trouble with the law.

Now, if I were playing politics, I would fire that man

before the press could use it against me.

But I don'’t play that game.

People are more important than politics.

- Who is this man?

- Just a man who needed a second chance.

- Wonder who he'’s talking about. - You got me.

Probably no one we know.

[nervous laugh]

- When you ask the citizens of St. Louis

what it is that they want to talk about,

it'’ll be three points.

- Is the man you'’re referring to Mervin Brenningham?

- Uh, say what, now?

- What, exactly, did Mr. Brenningham do?

- What he did was change his life.

You can'’t always-- - Was Mr. Brenningham charged

with multiple counts of lewd conduct?

- Why isn'’t St. Louis in the running

for the 2024 Summer Olympics?

I am glad you asked me that.

- I didn'’t ask that. - Would you? Please?

- Mr. Brenningham allegedly groped the buttocks

of multiple women in public.

- Okay, how many pieces of paper does this guy have?

- Reverend Ballentine, we need to know--

- Okay, it wasn'’t groping.

It was cupping.

- [mouthing words] - Cupping?

- Sure. There is a fine distinction here.

- No, no, no, Boyce, don'’t go there, don'’t go there!

- "Groping" is groping. Everybody like, "Ah, ooh!

What you doing?"

But "cupping" is more of a contouring,

if you will.

- [mouthing words] Stop, please, for the love of God--

- What I'’m trying to say is that this is about forgiveness.

- I had no idea

there was a stone-cold freak among us.

So...

what'’s up?

- What we need to remember here

is that this is about forgiveness.

Like the Bible says, turn the other cheek.

I knew that was a bad quote

as it was coming out of my mouth.

- Now, Lolli,

are you sure you'’re up for this?

- You saw Boyce on television.

He can'’t afford another disaster.

- Don'’t worry, all right?

If your pictures are on the Internet,

The Wolf will find them.

- Well, let'’s get this over with.

This place is making me start to itch.

- Lolli,

this is The Wolf.

- '’Sup?

- Curtis?

That'’s no damn wolf. That'’s your weed dealer!

- Lolli, I couldn'’t afford all this off one hustle.

I'’m also doing taxes now. Y'’all good on taxes?

- Brah, I'’ve been meaning to ask you--

Can I write off shoes as transportation?

- Yeah, you'’re good.

- Can we get back to my problem?

- Lolli, relax. If your booby'’s floating around out there,

I'’ll find it, and I'’ll rub it out.

- Excuse me?

- No, h-he means erase it.

- But it'’ll cost you.2 Gs.

- 2,000?

You ain'’t Olivia Pope!

I'’ll give you $75.

- All right, then.

But I want it in all 1s.

I'’m gonna hit the strip club after this.

Sit down.

- Okay. What are we doing?

- I'’m gonna run a facial recognition search.

I need a picture of you making the same face you were making

the moments the pictures was taken.

- O-okay, well, this ratchet punched me,

and then all hell broke loose,

I went down...

[shrilly]aah...

and Laverne popped out.

- Got it.

Now, we could cut the search time in half

if I had a picture of your--

- Curtis, don'’t make me slap the black off of you.

- Congratulations, Boyce.

I think you locked up the grab-ass vote.

- Look. I'’m not saying it was my greatest triumph.

- Well, at least we all learned something.

You have got to listento me.

- No. Actually,

you have got to listento me.

- Excuse me? - I told you from day one

what kind of candidate I was gonna be.

You work for me.

It'’s your job to figure me out.

- You'’re right.

- Uh--what?

Really?

I was expecting to have a big fight over this.

- In my business, you gotta work with what you got.

You know that honesty of yours...

is really irritating.

- Well, trust me. You'’re gonna find out

there are a lot of people who appreciate my honesty.

Merv, how you doing, my brother?

- I'’m not your brother, Mayor McSnitch.

- Look, Merv, I'’m sorry that stuff got out there.

That was not my intention.

But in my defense: I took a stand for you.

- It would'’ve been better if you had just fired me.

Then my wife wouldn'’t have found out.

- Your wife didn'’t know? - Hell, no!

You think I'’m gonna put "booty cupper"

on my Christian Mingle?

- Well, Merv, look. We can work this out.

- No, we can'’t.

I quit.

- Mervin.

Oh, you just taking that?

- It'’s called severance, bitch.

- Well, joke'’s on him,

'’cause he'’s still got to call the satellite company

to hook that thing up.

And now he don'’t have a job.

- I can only order Taco Bell,

so let'’s not put I speak Spanish on there.

- Boyce, I got good news.

- What'’s up, babe?

- My boob is not on the Internet anywhere.

- Well, that'’s great. - Yeah, just great.

- Okay, what'’s wrong, Lolli?

- What'’s wrong is that my boob is not on the Internet anywhere!

Nobody posted it!

My naked body!

- Aww. - The party'’s over.

- Ohh... The party'’s not over.

You know I'’ll always be a fan of Laverne and Shirley.

- Aww.

- I don'’t mean to pry,

but is there something I need to know about?

- No, there'’s nothing you need to know about, Ah-lees-ya.

- Okay.

Lolli had reason to believe

she had some compromising pictures on the Internet,

but it turned out to be a false alarm.

- Are you talking about Lolli on the floor of a club,

top down, one boob out?

- Yes! - I got rid of those days ago.

- What are you saying?

- Lolli, when I met you, I said to myself,

"This is a woman with tit pics on the Internet."

I had my cyber guys scrub them.

It cost a fortune. Those pics were everywhere.

together: Everywhere?

- Did you hear that, Boyce?

I still got it! Ah-ha-ha!

- Lolli--Laverne, Laverne!

- Ooh.

[soul music]

♪

♪ The soul man

♪ Hey