Original subtitles

Not everybody loves a party.

Take Moses.

Now, while he was out picking up the ten commandments,

Mount Sinai was going up on a Tuesday.

And just as things were really jumping,

the Israelites looked up, and there'’s Moses.

Okay, now you know how mad your dad would be

if he came home and caught you raising the roof.

Now imagine, instead of finding a bong,

he found you carved a new god.

Ooh!

Boyce, you need to stay out of the sanctuary

until Sunday.

We'’re having the carpets cleaned.

It takes four days to clean the carpet?

- Who'’s doing it? - A new company.

Well, why aren'’t we using Carpet Genie?

Uh, they--they closed.

I just heard their commercial on the drive in.

♪ Carpet Genie, keep your carpets clean-y ♪

Just stay out of the damn sanctuary.

Okay. Stay out of the sanctuary.

Uh, seems like some people

might be planning a little surprise

for my fifth anniversary as pastor.

Boyce, ain'’t nobody thinking about you!

The carpet'’s dirty.

Boyce, don'’t go in the sanctuary.

There'’s a snake loose in there.

Okay, so now it'’s a snake.

He knows what'’s going on, Uncle Barton.

Well, play along anyway.

Pastor'’s anniversary is a big deal for the church.

On my fifth anniversary, we threw a huge party

and raised enough money to build a church

in El Salvador.

You built a church in El Salvador?

No, we spent the money on air conditioning.

But that'’s how much we raised.

All right, all right.I'’m in.

Let'’s raise the money for the church.

Just stay out of the sanctuary.

- Hey, y'’all. - Hey, babe.

Baby... [laughs]

You know those Gucci loafers you have in every color

but red?

- Taste the rainbow! - Oh!

Whoo!

Those look expensive.

Well I'’m sure if Lolli bought '’em,

they were on sale.

They were for sale.

Hey, babe, you know what?

I can wear these to my anniversary party.

[gasps] Anniversary party!

Boyce, that is great.

Girl, you know I haven'’t thrown a party

since Boyce'’s birthday two years ago.

I mean, it'’s my thing. It'’s what I do.

My first, middle, and last name should be "party."

Party Party Party?

Is somebody calling me?

Boyce, uh-uh.

You'’re not supposed to be in here.

You don'’t want to ruin the surprise.

I'’m not gonna ruin the surprise.

I'’m just gonna move the surprise to earlier--like now.

Babe, y-you can'’t.

I mean, everybody is so excited.

They'’ve been talking about this for weeks.

So you know what it is.

Boyce, they didn'’t tell me! They know I can'’t hold water.

Come on, Lolli.

Take a peek for me,

and tell me if I'’m gonna like it, come on.

[sighing] Okay, babe.

[gasps]

What? How bad is it?

This bad.

Wh-who-- who is this?

Babe, that'’s supposed to be you.

[soul music]

♪

♪ Hey

♪ The soul man

That statue was horrible.

I can'’t stand the thought that when I'’m gone,

people will remember me like this.

How am I supposed to act happy

when they pull the sheet off that thing?

Boyce, it'’s easy. Just fake it.

"Ooh, a waffle iron. I love it!"

You still mad about that waffle iron?

It'’s been 12 years.

It was Valentine'’s Day!

Hey, guys. Good news.

I found a DJ for the party.

Oh, good, Stamps. Who is it?

Well, his name is DJ EXXtreem with two Xs.

The Xs are capitalized and the two Es are together

with e-e-m and no E on the end.

Well, is he good?

Yeah, he'’s fantastic. Pricey but fantastic.

[both] Is he you?

That was gonna be a surprise, but yes.

Oh, no. Mm-mm.

Stamps, I am killing myself

trying to make this party perfect, okay?

I want a pro,

somebody with lights and a sound system,

the whole shebang!

I don'’t want somebody pulling out their iPod,

yelling, "Are there any party people in the house?"

A good DJ needs to know whether or not

the house contains party people.

Nikki, this is gonna be so exciting--

you and me, planning this party together.

Aw, absolutely.

I ran some numbers, and we can get the Moose Lodge banquet hall

and stay right on budget.

Uh-huh.

The Moose Lodge-- it'’s--it'’s good.

It'’s--it'’s good.Um...

Or there'’s the Ritz-Carlton,

which is actually good.

The Ritz-Carlton? Lolli, this is expensive.

Oh, girl. Who'’s to say what'’s expensive?

Me. I'’m the church treasurer.

This is expensive.

Hello?

Hello?

Anyone here?

Ah! Ah!

Well, there you are, my hideous friend.

You sure are perched precariously

upon your little pedestal.

It would be a shame if you had an accident.

[yawns]

Whoops.

- Pastor? - [yelps]

Uh, Lester. [stutters]

Man, I am glad you'’re here.

- What happened? - Oh, uh...

Everybody came.

Look, guys, I was in my office,

and I heard a noise.

So I came out, and it was some guy,

and he'’s just running around, just pushing stuff.

He had all the pews, and--

and I said, "Hey! You stop that, jerk!"

And, uh, next thing you know, this beautiful statue

just smashed up broken on the floor.

You did it, didn'’t you, Pastor?

Man, I couldn'’t help it.

That statue had me looking like

a constipated Charles Barkley.

It was "turrible."

No--no, you know what? We'’re "turrible."

We have insulted you with our lowly gift.

Lester, come on, now. You know it'’s not like that.

- I just-- - No, no!

We screwed up. You'’re a man with fancy tastes.

Designer suits.

We were crazy to think that we could get

something nice for a man like you

with our humble, peasant tastes.

We should'’ve known better.

[crying] Happy fifth anniversary, Pastor.

Lester. Lester, come back here, man.

Come on, now.

Mr. Earl?

You not gonna clean this up?

Oh, oh, okay.

Remember you just requested a riding lawn mower.

The whole congregation chipped in to get you that statue.

They'’re all calling you an ungrateful snob.

That'’s ridiculous. I'’m not a snob.

What'’s that you'’re putting in your coffee?

Sugar.

Unrefined artisanal sugar, imported from Madagascar.

You know where I get my sugar from?

7-Eleven.

I use $15 sugar.So what?

$15?

My slacks didn'’t cost $15.

That'’s because you bought your slacks in 1975,

when they still called them slacks.

All I'’m saying is, a humble pastor

shouldn'’t be using $15 sugar.

His sugar cost $15?

Good God.

What else you putting in there? Kangaroo milk?

It'’s almond milk.

Oh. Almond milk.

I'’m lactose intolerant.

Mm-hmm. You hear that? Rich people problems.

Look who'’s too good to fart.

Boyce, will you please talk to Nikki

and tell her that a party is not a party

without an ice sculpture martini fountain?

It costs $1,000.

$1,000?

What is that, Pastor? Two pairs of socks?

You know what?Great.

So what, now everybody hates me?

Boyce, don'’t worry about it, okay?

They'’re gonna forget all about this

when they see how fantastic this party is.

There'’s gonna be 400 people having the time of their lives.

Well, I don'’t know about 400.

I'’m looking at the RSVPs right now.

What? How many do we have?

Seven.

Looks like you'’re not super popular right now, Boyce.

Seven? I can'’t believe these people.

I spent five years giving of myself--

marrying them, burying them, listening to their problems.

And when I get up in the middle of the night

to answer their calls, do I complain?

Hell yeah.

But they don'’t know that.

Seven people.

Maybe the people just haven'’t RSVP'’d yet.

Well, I know I haven'’t, but then again, I'’m a maybe.

Yo, Boyce, Pop just told me

about the anniversary party crapping out.

Yeah. It'’s been a tough one, man.

Yeah, this may be an awkward time to bring it up,

but, even if you don'’t have a party,

you still gotta pay the DJ.

- What? - We have a signed contract.

- No, we don'’t. - We have a verbal contract.

We don'’t have one of those either.

All right, man, look.

The point is, I didn'’t take any other gigs

because I was holding the day for you.

Yeah, and I was holding the date for him,

so it'’s like a whole domino effect.

Curtis, what are you even doing here?

I'’m his hype man. Whoo!

Boyce, I got great news.

The party is back on!

Yes! [imitates record scratch] Getting paid!

Babe, you gotta be kidding me.

Nope. Every table sold out.

[laughs] That'’s fantastic.

I don'’t even know what I was worried about.

I knew everybody loved me.

Well, I had to, uh, tweak the concept just a little.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome

to the first annual roast of Pastor Boyce Ballentine.

What? What?

Okay, wh-what'’s going on?

Now, everybody, take off your gloves

and take out your knives. [laughs]

Lester, he'’s all yours.

A roast? Really?

You think that statue was ugly,

wait till you hear what I gotta say.

When they asked me to roast our humble pastor,

I said I would never roast Barton.

And then they told me it was Boyce, and I said,

"I thought you said '’our humble pastor.'’"

[laughter]

Oh, oh, I will roast Boyce.

I will roast him like a gas station hot dog.

[laughter]

Really, Lolli?

I filled the room, didn'’t I?

You might as well have just let '’em throw baseballs

at my head.

That did come up.

But let'’s be honest.

The Reverend Ballentine is a good man.

But he just so bougie that he got

white people problems.

Ooh, I'’m lactose intolerant.

[laughter]

Uh, honey, the maid shrunk

my Fleetwood MacT-shirt.

[laughter]

[Valley girl accent] Oh, OMG.

Why is Starbucks so far away?

You do say that! You do say that.

Mmm, but he is a good pastor.

- Let'’s be honest. [all] Mm-hmm.

He makes me believe in the power of prayer.

I mean, look at Pastor'’s wife.

A man like you don'’t get a woman like that

without a lot of help from God.

[laughter]

Unless you are a hostage.

Lolli, blink twice if you need help.

[laughing]

Oh!

Pastor Ballentine'’s sermons renew my faith.

[all] Mmm.

Because after 15 minutes of listening to him,

I'’m begging the Lord to take me. [laughs]

[laughter]

Pastor is so boring,

one time, he was doing a funeral,

and the dead guy reached up and closed his casket.

[laughter]

I got nothing but respect for Pastor Ballentine.

The man changed my life. He got me out of jail.

All right, now here we go, see?

That'’s my man Curtis right there. Let'’s go.

But I gotta say, sometimes when I'’m sitting

through one of his long sermons, I start thinking

prison wasn'’t so bad.

[laughter]

And I got shanked.

[all] Oh.

Like all of you, I'’m here to roast Boyce.

But I'’m also here to prove to Boyce

that I'’m a real DJ by doing what real DJs do--

not play any of his songs.

[air horn blares] [laser sound]

You know, Boyce said he left the music business

because he got "the calling."

Well, I'’ll tell you who wasn'’t calling:

agents, managers, the Grammys.

[air horn blares] [laser sound]

They called him "the hardly working man in show business."

[laughter]

[air horn blares] [laser sound]

All right, all right, we get it.

You'’re a real DJ. Enough with the sound effects.

Thank you, Boyce.

You know I'’m just messing with you, man.

You are my big brother, and you are a huge music talent,

and you had that dope '’80s sound.

In 1997.

[laughter]

You know what stayed in Vegas?

His career.

[laughter]

[laughter and applause]

You think of Boyce as an arrogant egomaniac,

and it'’s true! [laughs]

Hey, but Boyce has always had a big head.

Literally, when we were kids,

he had to Crisco up his head to get his T-shirts on.

[laughter]

Come on, Boyce.

You gotta laugh at yourself a little.

Lighten up.

Oh, but Boyce, he didn'’t do so well

with the girls in high school.

But that all changed when he became

Boyce the Voice.

Or as Lolli likes to call it,

Boyce the Bank.

[audience ohs]

That'’s not that funny.

What happened to "lighten up"?

Now, see, when Boyce met Lolli,

she was a backup dancer, because when she tried

to dance up front, the people were like,

"Back up! Back up!"

[laughter]

Really, Nikki? You want to go?

You want to go?

Boyce, I want you to know I love you.

And I can'’t believe what these people have said to you,

making fun of you for things you can'’t help.

It wasn'’t your fault you wet the bed

until you were 12.

[laughter]

Stop laughing. It wasn'’t his fault.

He didn'’t make it to the bathroom in time

because he was too pigeon-toed.

He ran like a white girl in a horror movie.

[laughter]

You know what else?

He was so bucktoothed,

he sneezed and bit his chest.

[laughter]

And one time, he almost drowned in a pool.

[laughs]

Oh.

Obviously, he didn'’t. That'’s why it'’s funny.

[air horn blares]

Shut up, Stamps.

[clears throat] Thank you, uh, Barton.

[applause]

That was the last of our roasters.

I want to thank you all for coming out tonight.

But most importantly,

I want to thank Nikki for all her help.

Although, if she'’d had it her way,

instead of us eating oysters at the Ritz,

we'’d be eating Lunchables around a trash can fire.

[laughter and jeers]

But no, seriously, Nikki.

I know that I said that you were

a stingy, stubborn pain in the butt with no taste.

- And? - And that'’s it. Um...

[laughter and jeers]

And now I am honored to introduce

the man of the hour.

Celebrating five years as pastor,

my husband, with his perfectly normal-sized head,

the Right Reverend Boyce Ballentine.

All right, Boyce! Whoo!

Oh, thank you, Lolli.

And, uh, thank you, everybody.

Uh, you know, I'’m kind of sorry it took a roast

to get your butts in the seats.

[laughter]

But I guess I was asking for it.

Listen, I just want to say this to everyone,

that these last five years

have been the best years of my life,

and I just want to thank you all.

This has been a special evening,

so hey, let'’s just have some fun.

Let'’s keep it going.

- Thank you. Thanks, everybody. - Whoa, wait, wait, wait.

Uh, but, Pastor, aren'’t you gonna roast us back?

Nah. You know, I'’m the one who had it coming.

I get it.

Oh, it'’s not about that, Pastor.

We roast you because we love you.

[all] Yeah.

What, Pastor? You scared?

[all] Ooh.

I think he ain'’t got nothing. That'’s what it is.

[overlapping chatter]

[laughs] Curtis, I'’ll tell you

what ain'’t got nothing-- your wallet.

[laughter]

Only thing in his wallet is the picture

of the white family it came with.

See, that'’s why I didn'’t want to start nothing, as you can see.

I'’m the pastor. I'’m supposed to be nice.

That'’s why I didn'’t want to say Nikki'’s wig'’s so tight,

when she take it off, it go--[clicks tongue]

People yell "Happy New Year" every time.

[laughter and applause]

I don'’t know if she'’s supposed to be

Billie Holiday or Billy Ocean.

[giggles] Stamps, I'’m surprised you got that one.

Stamps so dumb, he thought Wi-Fi was

an Indian chief.

[laughter]

Wi-Fi.

And the boy reads slow.

He reads so slow,

he had to put a bookmark in a tweet.

[laughter]

I don--I don'’t get it.

Now, of course my dad wouldn'’t get that.

He'’s so old that, when he was young,

rainbows came in black and white.

- Oh! [laughter]

The man is old, let me tell you.

After his first sermon,

Adam and Eve joined church.

[laughter]

Put the apple down, put the apple down.

[mumbles]

Now I wish I hadn'’t pulled you out of that pool, boy.

Ooh, man. I could do this all night, man.

Actually, you can'’t.

We only have the room till 10:00.

We could have had the Moose Lodge all night.

Girl, don'’t make me come over there.

[Boyce laughs] Uh, Lester.

Uh, Lester, I see you having a good time tonight.

Look at Lester, looking like Magic Johnson

hooked up with a Ninja Turtle.

[laughter] - I do look like that!

That boy'’s teeth so yellow, if you took '’em out

and put '’em in a glass of water, it'’d look like a urine sample.

[air horn blares] [laser sounds]

[dance music]

Any party people in the house?

Hey, nobody answer him.

Hey, man. The DJ says that.

Any party people in the house?

[all cheering]

Hey, babe. Tonight has been fun.

I know, bab-- Ooh, you know what?

I'’m gonna make some coffee. Anybody want coffee?

Lolli, make sure you hide the good sugar.

Boyce, I am the good sugar.

Hey.

Get it. Get it.

♪

[soul music]

♪

♪ The soul man

♪ Hey