Original subtitles

The first commandment-- the very first--says,

"Thou shalt have no other gods before me."

Now, you still got to read the rest of them.

You don'’t get to kill and steal,

and then say, "Sorry, I only got halfway through."

But the reason the Lord put that one first

was to say that "I am the O.G.," Original God.

Accept no substitutes.

I'’m looking at you, Kanye.

I want a rich boyfriend!

Nikki, was that you?

I want a house on the beach!

Nikki, Nikki.

I want to lose five pounds!

I want you to be quiet!

Oh, Boyce, you can'’t interrupt someone in the middle of a roar.

- A what? - A roar.

You know, Rodney Wayne.

Oh, the self-help nut.

A-ha.

Self-actualization guru.

He'’s been doing seminars in St. Louis,

and they are amazing.

You focus on what you want most in this life,

and you let it build up in the back of your throat,

and then you roar it out!

Like a phlegm ball.

Ah, Boyce, don'’t mock.

You roar your desires out to the universe,

and then it becomes real.

It'’s in all the books and DVDs.

How much did you pay for this?

$160, but it'’s a $300 value.

Well, then, you can'’t afford not to buy it, then, can you?

Hey, bro.

Stamps, what are you doing?

Huh? Oh, it'’s okay.

It'’s an office kitchen. They expect you to steal.

Well, the "they" is me, and you don'’t work here.

Besides, I thought you had a job already.

Yeah, but being a video game tester

doesn'’t pay like you think it would.

Well, surprised it pays at all.

I put myself up for a promotion that will be so great.

I'’ll be working on a music game,

and you know that'’s my jam.

Well, you know that'’s my jam.

Ugh, marmalade?

No, thanks. But the problem is

I know they'’re gonna give the job to Kiefer or Roland

because they'’ve been working for the company for nine years,

and I'’ve been working for three weeks.

Which is less.

Boyce, you don'’t measure worth in time.

You measure it in experience.

Which you also have less of.

If you want that job, Stamps, you got to roar it.

No, no, no, no. He doesn'’t need to roar.

- I'’ll do anything. - That'’s the spirit.

Nikki, you heard Stamps say he'’s having

a hard time staying afloat.

How is he gonna buy some $160 DVDs?

It'’s a $300 value.

Wow, I can'’t afford not to buy them.

[soul music]

♪

♪ Hey

♪ The soul man

So I was thinking if this video game

that Stamps wants to work on so bad is a music game,

maybe I can help him out.

Remember my old buddy from the label,

- Jeff Rosenthal? - No.

Sure you do.

Jeff, he'’s tall with the big glasses, no hair in the front,

a lot of hair in the back.

Not ringing a bell.

Oh. Anyway, it'’s not important.

Look, the point--Jeff.

We rode in his limo to the AMA after party.

He had the tall redhead with him with the lisp.

Kept calling me Boy-th.

I don'’t remember this person.

Fine.

Anyway, Jeff'’s label

is licensing the music for the game.

He thinks he can help Stamps out.

Oh, well, since you'’re so connected,

do you know anybody down at St. Louis Weekly Magazine?

Their summer hot list issue is coming out,

and I want my salon on it.

They even give you a decal for your window.

What'’s the big deal about this decal?

Are you kidding me?

You know that pump your own yogurt place over by the zoo?

Squirts?

That place is awful.

It'’s disgusting, but they got the damn decal,

and now everybody'’s lining up for Squirts.

You talking about that place down by the zoo?

I'’ve been wanting to check that out.

It was on the hot list.

See? All right, Barton.

Would you like to try a cookie?

I made them for the bake sale.

No, I'’m good.

But you never say no to one of my cookies.

All right, I'’ll try a little bite.

You got a toothache, Daddy?

No. Why would you say that?

Why don'’t you take a man-sized bite, then?

Stay out of my mouth, boy.

Yes, yes.

Now, who will write your success story?

Stephen King? J.K. Rowling?

Whoever wrote 50 Shades of Grey?

No, no, no.

The author of your success story is you.

Now, I want you to picture yourself at that keyboard,

writing your story.

Big screen monitor in front of you.

Go ahead, put your fingers on that keyboard.

Let me see those fingers go to work.

Last time, we were steering our own ships,

and they sprayed water in our faces.

Now, I want you to proudly type,

"Today, I know what I must be,

and I am going to roar it out until the whole world hears it!"

Now, let me hear you roar!

[all speaking at once]

You, sir.

I don'’t hear you roaring.

This your first time?

Yes. Yes, it is.

All right now. All right now.

Join me, join me, join me.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a roar-gin.

Okay, I guess.

Now, let me ask you.

What story are you typing for yourself?

- Well, what I really want is-- - No, no, no, no, don'’t say it.

Just type it out. Use your screen.

I want a promotion at work.

Don'’t type it.

Roar it!

Roar, Stamps!

Roar!

I want a promotion at work!

Everybody join him.

- I want a promotion at work! - He wants a promotion at work!

- He wants a promotion at work! - I want a promotion at work!

- I want a promotion at work! - He wants a promotion at work!

Hey, Lolli.

Great news.

You got my salon on the hot list.

No.

- Then what'’s your news? - All right, okay.

You remember I was telling you about Jeff Rosenthal?

- No. Who'’s he? - Come on.

We were just talking about him, from the record label.

Right, Jeff Rosenthal,the man

from the what'’s-it'’s-name, who did the thing.

You have no idea who I'’m talking about.

Uh-uh.

Anyway, I called him about Stamps.

He pulled a few strings, and he got him that promotion.

Oh, that'’s great, Boyce.

- Did you tell Stamps yet? - No.

You know, I just figured what'’s the harm

in letting him think he did it on his own?

It'’ll give him a boost of confidence.

Hey, guys. Boyce, you won'’t believe it.

- I got the promotion. - Fantastic.

- Congratulations, bro. - Aw, you deserve it, Stamps.

Now, now. Let'’s give credit where credit is due.

Ah, well, you know.

I was just thinking it'’s no big deal, you know?

No, seriously.

I know that I owe this promotion to the roar.

[both] The roar? - Yeah.

I'’ve been roaring about this promotion for three days now,

and it finally worked.

The sky is the limit.

Now I want the level two DVDs.

Can you believe that?

He is giving that stupid roar credit

for all the work that I did.

If anybody deserve credit, I do.

What about Jeff?

You don'’t even know Jeff.

Barton, why weren'’t you at the bake sale?

Oh, Lolli, that'’s not really my thing.

It'’s the Reverend Barton Ballentine Annual Bake Sale.

My tooth is a little tender is all.

Well, maybe you should go see a dentist.

You probably just have a cavity.

Cavity? I'’ve never had a cavity in my life.

There'’s a first time for everything.

Not for me. I'’ve never had a cavity,

I'’ve never bounced a check,

and I have never cried at a movie.

- Boyz n the Hood. - Nope.

12 Years a Slave.

Toy Story 3!

Aw, come on!

Lolli, if you really want Uncle Barton to go to the dentist,

you should roar for it.

Wait a minute. You can roar for other people?

Girl, you can roar for anything you want to happen.

Sometimes, I just roar for Denzel to have a great day.

Yeah, I don'’t know, Nikki.

It seems kind of ridiculous to believe in something like that.

You read your horoscope every day.

I know, but I can'’t stop.

I'’m a Taurus. I'’m stubborn.

You know what?

I think you'’re doing your readers a disservice

by not putting Looks by Lolli on the hot list.

What? Okay.

Well, how about--how about this?

How about you give me a decal,

and I'’ll give you three free haircuts

and three free blowdries?

I said blowdries.

Ugh, I hate that hot list.

Ooh, I want to be on it so bad.

Are you still reading about the roar?

It'’s unbelievable, babe.

You have to attend eight paid seminars

before you move up one level,

and there are 15 levels,

and each level has some bogus carnival trick.

You lie on a bed of nails or you walk on hot coals.

It'’s like Herbalife crossed with Jackass.

Stamps is wasting his life with this nonsense.

Says the man who'’s been obsessing over that website

for four hours.

I also have been playing Candy Crush.

I know. Stop inviting me.

[exaggerated Cockney accent] '’ello?

St. Louis Weekly Magazine?

I was reading your latest publication,

and I didn'’t see my favorite salon,

Looks by Lolli, in it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, they'’re jolly well smashing.

Hey, Boyce. Can I grab a little juice?

What?

Stamps, what are you wearing?

Oh, just a little Tesla gear. [chuckles]

Why don'’t you go check my new ride?

You bought a Tesla?

Nope.

I roared, and the universe blessed me with a Tesla.

Only $5,000 down.

Stamps, are you crazy? You only got a small promotion.

Oh, come on, bro. You think I'’m naive?

I know I don'’t make enough to afford a Tesla,

but I'’m gonna roar for more.

All right, you know what? I hate to break this to you,

but the roar is not real.

I got you that promotion.

I called a buddy of mine, and he hooked you up.

Are you serious?

Yes.

Well, do you realize what this means?

It means the roar is more powerful than I thought.

It made you call your buddy and hook me up with a job.

No, Stamps. You'’re being conned.

Oh, come on, Boyce, man.

You got to believe. Have a little faith.

Faith? Stamps, I'’m a pastor.

I'’m all about faith,

but this roar has nothing to do with faith.

There'’s no commitment. There'’s no sacrifice.

It'’s just the Oprah effect.

And then, you get a house,

and then you get a purse,

and you get a baby pony, and you get a bowl of jellybeans,

and then you get a car!

Boyce, Boyce, why are you so threatened by my success?

What success?

Did your car come with a jacket?

I think not.

[whistling]

I love Twinkies better than Oreos!

- Lolli? - I want to be on the hot list!

Lolli, you okay?

I want to be on the hot list!

I want Looks by Lolli to be number one!

I want to be in St. Louis Weekly.

- Lolli. - Ah!

- Boyce. - What are you doing?

I was--I was praying.

Just praying loud.

Praise Jesus!

Lolli, you were roaring, and you know better.

Look, I know, Boyce,

but the--but I didn'’t think it would do any harm.

Besides, look at this.

My horoscope said try something new today.

Okay. You know what my horoscope says?

That tomorrow is the day I put a end to this nonsense.

I'’m gonna expose Rodney Wayne for the fraud that he is.

Well, no. Actually, your horoscope says,

let'’s see, an old flame will walk back into your life.

Who is she, Boyce?

Barton, look at this.

Last year'’s hot list.

Best oil change.

Does anybody care?

Best cat therapist. They'’re cats.

No matter what you do, they'’re not gonna be happy.

[muffled] Don'’t let it get to you.

Barton, why are you talking like that?

I'’m talking normal.

You must be hearing funny.

Why don'’t you just admit

you'’re having problems with that tooth?

My tooth is fine.

It doesn'’t even hurt anymore.

Really? Ah, okay.

Well, how about a bowl of this delicious ice cream then?

No, I'’m good.

I'’m watching my figure.

Thinking about getting back out there.

Barton, I'’ll make a deal with you.

If you eat one bowl of ice cream,

I'’ll never bring up your tooth or the dentist again.

One bowl.

Bring it.

[all speaking at once]

That'’s it, that'’s it.

Climb that rope of success.

Feel yourself climbing high,

gripping harder, roaring louder.

Uh-oh.

Can'’t find your rope of success?

No, I can'’t.

Would you like for me to buy one from you?

Th--you know that'’s what it is. You know--

My friends, we have a skeptic here.

What'’s your name, sir?

It'’s Boyce.

Well, Boyce, my friend, my brother,

come on up to the stage so we can show you some love

and help you find that rope of success together.

Give it up for Boyce, everyone.

That'’s right.

Now, Boyce, tell me.

What do you want more than anything in the world?

I want for you to stop taking advantage

of all these gullible people.

Climbing on some invisible ropes,

like that'’s something new.

I'’ve seen that move in Breakin'’ Boogaloo 2.

We had--we had the rope, dog.

We'’d get the rope right here. We did this.

We climbed the wall. We came back.

We started the lawnmower.

My friend, I understand your skepticism,

but you see, you have all of these people here

to show you that the roar works.

Oh, yes, it does. Watch.

See, you must look with your eyes

and see with your heart.

[scoffs] See with my heart.

Why don'’t you listen with your kidney?

The guy'’s a fraud. He'’s a fraud.

[all] No! Boo. - No!

It'’s okay, now. It'’s okay.

Boyce is just looking for some truth,

and, Boyce, you came on the perfect day,

because today, some of these people out here

will be ascending to our level six.

My sixers, stand up.

These people will show you that with the roar,

you can achieve anything you set your mind to,

and they'’ll prove it by walking across this hot bed of coals.

Really?

A bed of hot coals.

Really? Guys, come on.

You don'’t have to believe in the roar to do this.

Anybody can do this.

I can do this.

Uh-oh.

I don'’t think he can do this.

He'’s not even close to a level six.

Hey, Stamps, come get my shoes.

Boyce, this is crazy.

Look, I'’m doing this for you, Stamps.

But hot coals?

Yes. Look, it'’s not what you think, all right? It'’s a trick.

Back in Vegas, David Copperfield showed me how this works.

All of the heat is underneath.

I'’m gonna prove to you this guy'’s a fraud.

All right?

- Here we go. - Whoa, whoa.

You do not want to do this.

I don'’t think you want me to do this.

All right.

Ah!

That'’s toasty right there, okay.

All right, all right.

Come on, Barton.

Stop stalling.

Delicious.

[shouting]

See that?

No big deal. Nothing to it.

Boyce, you got to roar.

Roar!

I don'’t know what'’s ashier, the coals or his feet.

[both shouting]

All right, Barton. You win.

You'’re damn straight I win.

Now, can you drive me to the dentist?

I think I'’m gonna pass out.

- [grunting] [all] [cheering]

You see that? No roar, no pain.

- What do you think now? - Amazing, bro. Amazing.

I don'’t know how you did it. But if I got a brother

that'’s willing to walk over hot coals for me, then, hey,

maybe I don'’t need the roar.

Everyone, I have a confession to make.

I roared for Boyce to do it.

He did not. No, he didn'’t.

He wasn'’t--that was me. He ain'’t roar.

Let'’s get out of here, man. Nikki, are you coming?

No. I'’m staying.

But it'’s a pyramid scheme.

So what?

I'’m almost on top of the pyramid.

Stop hating.

That was the only way...

Hey, baby. Those feet feeling any better?

Yeah, a little.

It turns out if you step on the coals too hard,

it kicks up the hot embers from the bottom.

David Copperfield didn'’t tell me about that part.

When did you speak to David Copperfield?

You remember that wild party at the Bellagio?

Boyce, that was David Cassidy.

Well, I shouldn'’t have listened to him, then.

Lolli, look what I saw at the dentist office.

The latest issue of St. Louis Weeklyis out,

and I think you'’ll like what'’s on page 17.

Ooh, give me.

Oh, my God!

I made it!

There I am! Looks by Lolli

right between best vegan cheesesteak

and best baby yoga, hah!

- Congratulations, babe. - And guess what?

I didn'’t even have to roar for it.

That'’s great. Good for her.

Yeah.

Don'’t tell her I had to make a call.

Jeff Rosenthal'’s cousin is the editor.

Who'’s Jeff Rosenthal?

[soul music]

♪

♪ The soul man

♪ Hey