Original subtitles

The fifth commandment says,

"Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother."

Now, that'’s easy for God to say.

He didn'’t have parents.

Not so easy for the rest of us.

[laughs]

I remember one time I talked back to my mother,

and she just looked at me and then quoted

her favorite scripture:

"Honor me or I shalt beat thy butt to heaven and back."

My mama had her own translation of the Bible.

Oh.

Hey, babe.

Oh, no.

You got your mom'’s ugly vase out of the attic?

Please don'’t tell me she'’s--

Now, my mom and Kim are flying in from Atlanta tomorrow.

[both] Ugh.

Not tomorrow.

I know.

My mom is--man, she'’s a piece of work,

controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive...

She can be a bit much.

Hey, that'’s my mama you'’re talking about.

Babe, I'’m just agreeing with you.

Well, don'’t agree so strongly.

- Hey, Boyce. - Shut up, Stamps.

What'’s eating her?

Oh, no, the vase.

[Boyce] Yeah, Lolli'’s mama'’s coming.

I mean, she drives Lolli insane.

She hates me for no reason at all.

I mean, I just got to keep my head down

and try not to get dragged into anything.

Last time she was here,

I went to the DMV just to hang out.

Man, that sucks for you.

[Boyce] Sucks for you too.

Your ex-girlfriend'’s coming with her.

What?

Oh, no, no, no, Boyce.

I'’m not ready to see Kim yet.

I--I'’m not successful enough.

Look, I had a whole plan for the first time I saw her again.

I'’d be crazy rich, married to a supermodel,

and we'’d have a couple adopted African kids.

Why adopted?

'’Cause that'’s what rich people do, Boyce.

Keep up.

[soul music]

♪

♪ Hey

♪ The soul man

[doorbell rings]

[squeals]

[both] Sister!

Hey! muah!

Oh, Lolli.

Ooh, ooh, it'’s so good to see you.

Don'’t feel bad about not coming to the airport.

Your sister has a button on her phone

that gets a stranger to pick us up.

It'’s called Uber, Mama.

Oh, right.

Must have been invented by a child

who had more important things to do

than pick up their mother.

Oh, the vase.

[Lolli] Yep.

There it is, Mama, right where it always is.

Well, what is it doing way over there on the piano?

It belongs right here.

Uh-hmm.

There she is, my sweet monster-in-law.

Uh-hmm.

How'’re you doing, Bryce?

It'’s Boyce.

- Oh. - Same as it always is.

- So how are things? - Oh, great.

My friend Dolores and Lita just moved to Las Vegas.

I'’m not complaining,

because I get to live with my baby daughter

in a very nice walk-in closet.

Okay, you know what, Mama,

why don'’t I go take you to get settled?

- Oh, okay. - Come on.

- [laughs] - Oh, same old Ceci, huh?

Oh, no, no, she'’s actually much worse.

Hey, Boyce, did I leave my Rolex with the diamond--Kim?

[laughs]

Hey, Stamps.

- Hey. - Hey, all right.

- All right, yeah. - Oh.

You know, Boyce did mention something about you

coming to town, but I'’ve been so busy with work,

it must have slipped my mind.

[Kim] Oh, well, listen.

I tried to call you, but it said your phone was disconnected.

Oh, right.

Well, that was my assistant.

He forgot to pay my bill.

You have an assistant?

Yep, yep, yep.

You know, I never thought I'’d be that guy.

I still can'’t believe you are that guy.

I'’m VP of R&D at Dark Rebel Games.

[scoffs]

[laughs]

I'’m sorry. I'’m speaking business jargon.

That'’s Vice President of Research and Development.

Wow, Stamps.

Well, that'’s huge.

[laughs] Well, you know, it'’s a job.

What do you say we get together sometime?

I'’ll have my assistant reach out to you?

Oh, okay.

Looking forward to it.

Say, Boyce, don'’t let me catch you wearing my Rolex now.

Well, it'’s the first day,

and my mom has already said she didn'’t like my dinner,

our refrigerator gets too cold,

and you have way too many shoes for a man.

Oh, no, no, don'’t ask me.

A mouse don'’t go in the same trap twice.

[Ceci] Ow, I chipped a nail

trying to figure out this damn TV clicker.

Why they have one with so many buttons?

Kim, you got a nail file?

[Kim] Ask Lolli.

[Ceci] I don'’t want to wake her up.

She'’s thoughtful too.

Boyce, that'’s my mom.

Okay, she'’s only gonna be here for four days.

Can you at least try to make more of an effort?

Okay, I guess it wouldn'’t hurt.

Oh, thank you.

I mean, I do have a light day at work tomorrow.

Maybe I can just take her to lunch.

Oh, honey.

Maybe I can do better than that, you know.

Maybe before lunch, I can take her to get her nail fixed.

Are you trying to get some?

I'’m just saying if something comes my way,

I ain'’t gonna be mad.

[Ceci] What channel is "input one"?

I don'’t want to watch "input one."

Just when I was trying to input one.

Boyce!

Input one. I don'’t even--I'’m coming, Ceci.

Okay, look, you just enjoy yourself.

I'’m gonna sit in the car and listen to the Cardinals game.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Please don'’t go.

I need somebody to talk to.

It'’s so hard to understand these Asian people

with their thick accents.

Hi, my name'’s Chelsea.

What are we doing today, full mani-pedi?

Did you catch any of that?

Oh...

Look, I'’ll translate.

- Okay, okay. - Yeah, okay.

Yes, she'’ll have the full mani-pedi,

and it'’s all on me, okay?

Ooh.

When was the last time you had a manicure?

[laughs]

Never, because I'’m a man.

Wouldn'’t know that by the number of shoes you got in your closet.

You know what?

You'’re gonna have to stay out of people'’s closets.

I know that much.

- Sit, sit, sit. - No, I'’m not.

Tiffany.

Tiffany?

These people have the craziest names.

You know what... [laughs]

Actually, I'’m kind of glad we'’re spending

some time together, Ceci.

Now, this might sound silly, but I'’ve always had

this weird feeling that you didn'’t like me.

Oh, Boyce.

[laughter]

Of course I don'’t like you.

Why not?

I'’ve been nothing but nice to you.

Well, it'’s not me.

It'’s what you did to Lolli.

I had her on track to be a star.

She won Little Miss Palmdale at age six, seven, and nine.

What happened to eight?

She got a little chubby.

But she bounced back.

I mean, the sky was the limitfor her,

and then she met you.

Hold on; what you mean, "And then she met"--

Ooh, that'’s the stuff right there.

I like that.

Look, what do you mean, "And then she met me?"

Well, she stopped focusing on her dreams,

and she started focusing on yours.

And just when I thought it couldn'’t get any worse,

you became a preacher.

You got to be the only mother in history

that would have a problem with her daughter

being married to a preacher instead of an R&B sex symbol.

Well, you must be the only man in history

who would describe you as a sex symbol.

[laughs]

I bet you I ain'’t the only man in history

that would describe you as a big pain in the ass.

Excuse me?

You know what; it doesn'’t matter what anybody thinks but Lolli.

She'’s happy with me, and she'’s happy with our life.

So you could take your little opinions,

and you could stick '’em in your bunion water.

[laughs]

Oh.

Well, look who finally grew a pair.

I'’m impressed.Yeah.

Every time I come here, you'’re either hiding

in the garage or you'’re hanging out at the DMV.

Well, not anymore.

- Oh. - All right?

And for the record, it is still plenty of people

who consider me a sex symbol,

including these two young ladies who I haven'’t tipped yet.

- Oh, hilarious. - I know.

Well, I am just glad to have a glass of wine

without Mama judging me.

Oh, my God. Don'’t you hate that?

Oh, I'’m telling something girl.

You'’re going to heaven for taking Mama in.

Oh, you know what?

It'’s really not that bad, because Mama does my laundry.

She goes through my mail.

Oh, and answers my cell if I leave it lying around.

It'’s like having a personal assistant.

Where are you going with this, Kim?

What do you mean?

I mean, you'’re trying to put a positive spin on Mama?

That woman can'’t be spun.

[laughs] Oh, no, no, no.

Please, Lolli, I'’m just saying that there is

a silver lining, you know.

It'’s been nice spending time with mama.

And we'’ve really gotten closer,and...

And what?

It'’s been a living nightmare,

and I'’m leaving Mama here with you.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm-mm.

I can'’t believe you'’d ask me to take Mom in.

Lolli, it just doesn'’t make any sense for her to live with me.

I don'’t have the time to take care of her.

I have a job.

I got a job too, Kim.

Yeah, but I'’m an anesthesiologist.

You just do hair.

Just do hair?

Sister, you'’re tiptoeing up to the line.

No, no, no, no, no.

All I'’m saying is, nobody'’s gonna die

if they miss a hot press.

The worst that'’ll happen is they'’ll be nappy for a day.

And you just crossed it.

All right, Lolli, look, I'’m sorry,

I just--look, I need my space,

and all I'’m asking is for you to share the burden.

Okay, you'’re right, and I really want to help.

I do, but it'’s never gonna work.

Mom hates Boyce, okay?

They'’re like a snake and a mongoose.

It'’s only a matter of time before she unhinges her jaw

and swallows him whole.

[laughter]

You know, Boyce, I'’ve never told you this before,

but you got some beautiful feet.

Oh.

You know, you also have some beautiful...eyes.

Ooh.

Well, if that'’s the champagne talking,

I better get you another glass.

[laughter]

Now, Curtis, don'’t forget.

I need you to pick up my dry cleaning,

because I got that big business trip coming up

in Beijing, China.

Oh, hello, Kim.

I didn'’t see you standing there.

I was just speaking with my assistant, Curtis.

Uh...

didn'’t Curtis used to be a weed dealer?

[laughs]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

He was never a dealer.

He was a very, very, very heavy user.

I'’m still holding if you need something.

You know what? I'’m good. I'’m good.

Now, Curtis, my schedule is in shambles.

I need you to push my 10:00 to 11:00,

make my 12:30 lunch a coffee and my 2:00 coffee a lunch.

I ain'’t gonna lie to you, boss. I'’m high as hell.

Just go get in the car, man.

Miss lady, let me know if you change your mind

about that weed, though.

[clears throat]

I'’m sorry you had to see me dress him down like that.

But this is business, not a popularity contest, right?

Well, now, enough about me.

How'’s the doctor racket?

Oh, uh, well, actually, it'’s pretty good.

The head of surgery told me if I want...

[phone rings]

I'’m sorry.

I'’ve got to take this.

- See, but I was trying-- - Go for Stamps.

- [sighs] - Dimitri.

Dimitri, those numbers are unmitigated garbage.

No, I want my garbage mitigated.

No, you'’re gonna mitigate.

[laughter]

And I was like, "Cucumber in the water?

Is this vegan?"

Girls, do you like my new color?

It'’s Moroccan Sunset.

Boycey picked it out.

Oh, don'’t you start with me.

Go on and get your nap on, C-Money.

- Boom! - [laughs]

[Lolli]Boycey?

C-Money?

What the hell is going on?

Babe, this is good news.

I finally had a breakthrough with your mom.

Somewhere between getting my nails buffed

and my corns exfoliated, we made it all happen.

We buried the hatchet. She loves me now.

That'’s terrible.

That'’s fantastic.

- Oh. - Why is she so happy?

Well, because Mama can come live with you guys now.

- Wait, no, no, no, no. - Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Because she loves herself some Boycey.

So, Mama, great news.

You are moving to St. Louis.

Ahh!

- Way to go. - I didn'’t...

What did Boycey do?

Babe, I can'’t do it.

I can'’t live the rest of my life with my mother in this house.

Well, you just got to tell her she can'’t move in.

I'’m not the reason she'’s staying, Boycey.

[laughs]

No, I'’ve only been nice to her because you told me to be.

I'’ve been trying to get you to be nice to my mama for 20 years.

Now you wanna listen to me?

Look, I'’m just trying to be a good husband.

All I'’m saying is, honey, it'’s my mother, okay?

I can'’t put her out of my house.

Ooh, but you can.

No, babe, come on.

She finally likes me.

Boyce Ballentine, if you ever want to input one again...

Go.

- Hey. - Hey, you two, good news.

I am going to redecorate our living room.

That'’s good, Ceci.

Oh, Boyce, call me Mom.

Okay...Mom.

Well, here'’s the thing.

You can'’t live with us.

What?

This is the first I'’ve heard of this.

Okay.

No, I see what'’s going on here.

The last thing I want is to be a burden to Lolli.

I'’ll just stay with Kim.

But I thought you were so happy here with your new friend Boyce.

He'’s dead to me.

- But, Mom, you-- - Mom?

You don'’t know me like that. Uh-uh.

Kim, push that button on your phone

and get that stranger to come and take us back to the airport.

Okay, now, hold on. Hold on a minute, Mama.

Because maybe you and Boyce can work things out.

Say you'’re sorry, Boycey.

Oh, my God.

You don'’t want me either.

- Oh, no, no, no. - I didn'’t say--

Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.

I don'’t need to stay with neither one of you.

No, I got some place to go.

I still have a small piece of land in Palmdale.

Are you talking about your gravesite?

I will lie down next to your father and just wait to die.

Okay, I can'’t.

Okay, Mama, let'’s work this out, okay?

Maybe you can stay with us for six months

and Kim for six months.

Yeah, yeah. that seems fair.

- No. - Well, why not?

It'’s just I'’m--I'’m always alone at Kim'’s place,

and I don'’t really know anybody here in St. Louis.

So you don'’t want to live here or Atlanta?

That'’s interesting.

So where do you wanna live, Ceci?

I don'’t know. I mean, I'’m so confused.

You know, all of my friends moved to Las Vegas,

where they live in these luxurious but affordable condos.

There it is. There it is right there.

[Lolli] Mama, are you trying to get us to buy you a condo?

No, I would never ask my daughters

to buy me anything no matter how badly

they wrecked my body with their big heads.

Okay.

You put me through hell for the last six months

all because you wanted to move to Vegas?

You got the nerve.

You came here and tried to dump your hell on me.

[Ceci] Wait, wait.

Who the hell are you calling hell?

I'’m still your mother.

No, both of y'’all need a dose of the backhand now.

[all speaking simultaneously]

Okay, hey, hey, hey.

Everybody calm down. Ceci, put the backhand down.

Put the backhand...

Look, tell me about the condo.

Well, actually, I think I might have

a brochure here in my purse.

Of course you do.

Oh, I like the two-bedroom unit with the lanai.

- You know what? Done. - Oh.

No, Boyce, you don'’t have to do--

No, baby, trust me. I have to do this.

Yeah, and I could use some new furniture.

All right. C-Money, you need to fall back now, all right?

- Oh, oh, okay. - Come on, Mama.

Hey, Kim, look, I'’m really sorry for being so busy

while you were here.

I know how it is. You'’re a busy man.

You want to go out for coffee?

Boss, you don'’t have much time.

You'’ve got that big conference call with LeBron.

LeBron? Dude, dial it down a little.

Okay, Stamps, just stop.Okay?

I know Curtis isn'’t your assistant.

You'’re right.

My real assistant, Jeffrey, is on vacation.

Really, Stamps?Come on.

Look, Kim, you'’re right.

It was all a lie.

I was just trying to impress you.

Why?

'’Cause that'’s what you do when you see your ex.

You'’re a doctor; you'’ve got everything going for you.

All I am is just a video game tester.

So you'’re getting paid to test video games?

Wow, Stamps, that sounds like your dream job.

- It is. - Yeah.

Yeah, I just didn'’t think it was enough to make you say,

"Wow, Stamps is amazing.

I was so dumb to let him get away."

You know, that kind of thing.

Well, you didn'’t have todo that,

'’cause I am impressed.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Oh.

[laughs]

Oh, you know, it'’s a shame that you acted like such a fool,

'’cause you and I could have had some fun.

Damn.

So you'’re a free agent?

No, Curtis.

Okay, your loss.

I just won $50 on the Scratch-Off.

[soul music]

♪

♪ The soul man

♪ Hey