Original subtitles

There has never been a tougher boss than God.

When He said "jump," the prophets said "How high?"

When He told Abraham, "I want you to kill your son,"

Abraham said, "How dead?"

And then at the last minute, God said, "Psych!

I'm just playin'."

You see, the point was respect.

After that, God and Abraham were all good.

But I'm guessing Abraham and his son

had a whole bunch of awkward family dinners.

Hey, Nikki.

You mind if I jump in and make a quick copy?

As soon as I'm done.

Okay. What is this book?

Side Chick, Side Baby:

A Modern Erotic Fairy-tale."

You do know this is a Christian copy machine, right?

Mm-hmm.

Are you copying the whole book?

Mm-hmm.

Then I'm returning it.

I'm not paying for this trash.

Excuse me, Pastor.

Girl, is that Side Chick, Side Baby?

Can you make me a copy?

Sure. I'll do it tomorrow.

I'm leaving in a minute.

Wait a minute.

You just came back from lunch late.

I know.

I was debating should I even come back or not.

Then I remembered I have to copy this book.

Now, I'm gonna be late walking my dog.

When did you get a dog?

Two days ago.

You called in sick two days ago.

I felt better after breakfast.

So why didn't you come in?

Because I was getting a dog.

Pay attention, Boyce.

So somebody is actually paying you to play video games?

No, Pop.

They're paying me to test video games.

And how do you do that?

Oh, my God. By playing them.

It's totally different.

Is he playing video games again?

Yup.

I'm testing them, okay?

This is my job, and this is my office.

- This is also my... - Your living room.

- Okay. - I know.

And I appreciate you letting me use your high-speed internet.

It's just that I'm frustrated

because I'm trying to kill these jelly bean people,

and you'd think the mushroom princess

would help a brother, but no.

Maybe you can just click on the little frog man.

[laughter]

Yeah, yeah. My job is a big joke.

"Just click on the little frog man."

Actually, that might work.

Oh, yes.

A glass of wine.

I need that. I need a drink.

Day drinking, huh?

Well, I guess it's 5:00 somewhere.

Dad, it's actually 6:30 here.

And if you wanna know why I'm drinking,

it's because you insisted I hire Nikki.

And because she's my cousin, she know I won't fire her.

And every day, she disrespects me.

Well, son, respect isn't given.

It's commanded.

I know, but I--it's--

It's commanded!

Yes, sir.

[Stamps] It's a real job! I get W-2s.

Okay, okay.

Wow, he sure is touchy.

It's not my fault he's getting his butt kicked by a frog.

You're drinking already.

What did Nikki do now?

Well, first of all, she jammed up the copy machine

with some porno about side babies.

Side Chick, Side Baby?

That is not a porno.

It's a modern day erotic fairy tale.

Which I have not read, Barton.

I'm not one to judge anyone.

Not the way I'm looking.

My hair is out of control.

Oh, yeah.

I see it right there.

That's a little shaggy right there.

I can see it.

Well, I've got nowhere to go.

Shorty sold the barbershop.

Why don't you just come by my salon?

I mean, I am booked,

but I got about a minute and a half to squeeze you in.

[Barton] Thank you, Lolli.

I feel like a damn hippie.

Yeah, when did you start parting it down the middle?

Stop.

[soul music]

♪

♪ Hey

♪ The soul man

All right.

We are all done.

Bam!

Oh, now, that's mighty fine.

I cut all six hairs.

Really brings out your head.

Hey, Frank, Clyde.

Come on in.

Ooh, Barton.

You lookin' clean, baby.

Who the hell is that?

She makes me wanna go home and get my good teeth.

[Barton] That's Lolli.

She owns the shop.

Damn!

That's my son's wife.

Damn!

Sorry, Lolli.

These turkeys are a little uncouth.

That's all right, Barton.

I can handle these old players.

Oh! Wait a minute now.

We are players, but we ain't old.

Well, y'all lookin' mighty sharp for 10:00 in the morning.

You must have a doctor's appointment.

[laughter]

Actually, I do. [laughs]

Lolli, if it's not imposing on you too much,

could you clean up my boys up a little bit?

[Lolli] Of course.

Come on, to the chair.

All right.

Friend of Barton's, the first cut is free.

First cut is free.

And this won't take long at all--

Whoa. I didn't see the ears.

And don't forget about the nose.

It's a tangled mess up in there.

I couldn't even smell my bacon this morning.

Nikki, I'd like to see you in my office

to talk about your attitude at work.

Ugh!

[dog growls]

Is that your dog in my office?

Oh, yes. Isn't he cute?

His name is Biz.

Say hewo to Uncle Boyce.

Say hewo to Uncle Boyce.

He already said hello to Uncle Boyce

with a big sloppy dump on my rug.

Look, nobody wants your little mangy mutt in the office.

[Shirley] Oh, my God.

Look at that sweet little puppy wuppy.

Shirley, Shirley, get off the dog.

Wait a minute.

Your dog ate my sermon!

Oh.

Be glad somebody enjoyed your sermon for a change.

You don't seem to understand something here,

that I am the boss.

- Yeah, but I-- - And what I say goes.

And what I am saying is that there is no dog in the office.

Rules are rules.

- Fine. - Mm-hmm.

Come on, Biz.

[chuckles]

You see that? Like a boss.

Get that crap out of here, Mr. Sucker.

[laughter]

15!

Okay, okay.

Guys, guys, excuse me.

It's 6:00.

Oh, it's time for my blood pressure pill.

No, no, no. I meant, it's closing time.

So, shoo, fly, shoo;

and take these dominos with you.

Oh.

We're in the middle of a game.

And, sugar, whatever you do,

don't you touch these bones

'cause we're gonna finish this tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

- Hey, hey! - Hey, son.

Uh-oh. The husband's here.

Yeah, and you're lucky you came in,

'cause your wife was just about to choose me.

[laughter]

Clyde, ain't nobody chose you

since you played stickball with Frederick Douglas.

Oh, in your face.

I don't know what y'all laughing at.

I'm the only one here with my original knees.

Come on y'all. Let's go.

Let's get out of here.

Y'all talking about all these stuff through there,

all these one-piece suits on.

You--why do you all smell like Old Spice?

Oh, boy.

Look like y'all was having a good time.

A good time?

Well, hey, if you call it a good time playing dominos,

eating sardines, and talking nasty.

I do... not.

At all.

Boyce, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I mean, I don't know how to get rid of 'em.

They're your father's friends.

And they're war heroes.

Did Clyde tell you that?

Yeah.

Baby, he's a liar.

He did not fight in a war.

He was an extra on that show M A S H.

I thought it was weird

that he said he fought for eight seasons.

Look, Lolli, I know daddy is family,

but you're gonna have to do what I did with Nikki.

You have to take control.

This shop is your domain.

You're the boss.

I know, baby.

But it's just hard because--

You gotta command it!

You're right, Boyce.

I'm the boss up in here!

And if they step out of lineagain,

I'm gonna tell them domino-playing,

gas-station-coffee-drinking,

Cutlass-Supreme-driving old fools

to shut their sardine holes.

[laughs] I like it.

Don't you feel like a boss?

Mm-hmm.I do.

Ha!

Take this broom and sweep up this hair.

Babe, I didn't mean you use it on me.

I said sweep up the hair!

No problem.I will.

♪

Hey. Where's my trail mix?

I threw it out.

What? Whoa! Why?

Well, as you said, rules are rules.

You cannot have peanuts in an office

if a co-worker is allergic.

Like Shirley.

I take a lot of antihistamines.

That's why I'm always a little loopy.

Okay, fine. All right.

I can live by the rules.

No more trail mix.

And, Shirley, I'm sorry you had to come to work high.

Mr. Earl, where are you going?

Again, rules are rules.

Law says if a workplace has more than five employees,

it's required to have separate restrooms.

So the hall bathroom is for the ladies

and your private bathroom is for the men.

[laughs]

Here you go, Mr. Earl.

Have had it!

Oh, no. Okay. Okay.

All right. I see what's going on.

But you know what?

Still no dogs allowed.

Funny you would say that.

Come here, Biz.

I said no dogs allowed in the office.

Yes, you did.

And if Biz were a regular dog, he'd be gone.

But as you can see from the vest, Biz is a comfort dog.

The law says you can't ban a comfort dog from anywhere.

Rules are rules.

So why would you need a comfort dog?

Biz helps me deal with the emotional stress

of this hostile work environment.

What the hell are you talking--

Oh, Biz! Hold me.

Hold me till he stops, Biz.

This ain't over, Nikki.

Mr. Earl, for God's sake, close the door!

Shirley, don't you--

All I'm saying is the WNBA wouldn't exist today

if the NBA hadn't paid for it.

That's all I'm saying.

[Barton] They had to!

Nobody wants to shell out 20 bucks to see a game with nothing

but lay-ups and fundamentally sound bounce passes.

I know who I could handle one-on-one.

That Candace Parker.

Oh, boy.

Frank, that girl would break you in half.

Don't threaten me with a good time.

She fine as hell.

I'd make her my side piece.

Oh, Frank, you jive turkey,

how are you gonna have a side piece?

You ain't even got a main piece.

[laughter]

Ooh, I'm working on it right now.

Hey, tenderoni,

how do you feel about dating a mature man

with a fixed income?

What the-- Annie, wait!

Your hair is still nappy!

Well, she got a stick up her butt.

She probably ain't got no man.

We need to some Tarajis up in here.

Hey! Shut up!

You old goats are chasing away

my customers with your foolishness.

This is my salon, and I'm the boss.

And I'm sick of y'all talking loud, saying nothing,

playing dominos, eating ribs.

Clyde, there's a new invention now.

Maybe you heard of it. It's called a napkin!

And you, Frank,

what the hell are you gonna do with Taraji?

You can't even drive at night.

[laughter]

Now that's what I'm talking about.

She smoked you like a reefer.

It's starting to feel like a real barbershop up in here.

[laughter]

Somebody ought to call Cooter and 'nem.

They'd get a kick out of her.

Cooter and'nem?

Hello?

Oh, hello.

You must be the dog lady.

I'm from the Department of Animal Permitting,

if that's what you mean.

Oh, yes. Old D.A.P.

It's not called that.

Right.

Look, as I told you guys on the phone,

I have an employee who got a comfort dog permit

under false pretenses.

She says that this office causes her anxiety.

Well, this is a great place to work.

Shirley, would you tell Mrs. D.A.P.--

- Stroman. - Stroman.

How great it is to work here?

It's great.

You got any antihistamines?

I'm jonesin'.

We are getting her some help,

because that's the kind of office this is.

We help people.

That's why nobody would need a comfort dog here, all right?

I believe my employee is hustling y'all.

I don't get hustled.

We don't give these vests out willy-nilly.

There is a rigorous vetting process

that takes four to six weeks.

Four to six weeks to get a vest?

Minimum.

- Hmm. - Hello.

Oh, what a cute dog.

Aww.

His name is Biz, because he's a busy wittle boy.

[Stroman] Aww.

Aww. Ain't he cute?

- Oh, yes. - Yes, he is.

Look at him.

Nikki, so tell me, when did you get this dog again?

Oh, I got him three days ago.

And that's when we fell in love.

Three days ago and he already has a vest?

Ruh-roh!

Who are you?

She the comfort dog police.

Boom!

I'm gonna need to take a look at that vest.

Run, Biz! Run.

This is a counterfeit vest.

Where did you get this?

Run, Nikki! Run!

I didn't know she was gonna run for real.

Oh, Boyce. Thank God you're home.

Stamps, why is that dog in my house?

Well, because you won't let Nikki take Biz to work,

she dumped him on me to dog-sit.

She thinks I have a "fake job."

Oww!

So I told her I had to go to the doctor

because I got carpal tunnel syndrome from my "fake job."

Oww! I did it again.

Whoa, whoa. Wait.

Stamps, you're not leaving this dog here.

Stamps!

Okay. All right, fine.

You, you're going outside,

because I've seen what you do on the inside.

Come on.

Okay. You know what?

You can stay there. But I'm not gonna pet you.

We're not cool like that, you know.

you know, you lick yourself a lot.

And your breath smells bad.

Ooh, when I think about it,

the licking and the breath actually could be related.

Mm-hmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.

Why are you looking at my bacon?

You can't have none of my bacon.

No.

All right. You can have one little piece.

You like that bacon, don't you?

That bacon's good.

I mean, you like bacon.

It's cool, right?

♪

[man on TV] And next up is the working dog group.

Check her out.

See, that's the Portuguese Water Dog.

That's like the Obamas' dog.

I think she gonna win.

[barks]

Well, we just gonna have to agree to disagree.

What? Oh, you want one?

Oh. Look at that.

Bizzy like them chips.

Look at the Biz.

Look at the Bizzy man.

[laughs]

Aha! I knew it!

What?

I knew once I got you two alone, you'd like Biz.

Come here, boo-boo.

You know what? It ain't even like that.

Boyce, you love that dog.

You shared your $9 organic chips with him,

and you don't share those with nobody.

You got me all wrong.

See, I was just sittin' here minding my business,

and then the dog came up on me.

And he was like growling and I was like--and I was like,

"Ooh. That dog's gonna bite me."

And I was like--and I was like--I was in the corner.

And you saw how hunched up I was there.

And so, then I had a chip and I was like, "Aha!"

And he didn't go for that one.

So then I was like, "Ah!"

And then--so then he--and it was distracting him,

'cause dogs like chips.

Oh, please, Boyce.

This dog had you watchin' a dog show.

Nikki, the dog ain't the problem, okay?

You're the problem.

'Cause ever since you started workin' at the church,

you just come up in there talkin' about,

"Boyce is my cousin, I don't have to do what he says."

Oh, you know what?

You didn't even wanna hire me.

Uncle Barton did.

Well, guess what,

you don't work for Uncle Barton.

You work for me, all right?

And you're showing me no respect at all.

- You right. - Yeah.

I mean--huh? What?

You right.

I give you a hard time.

But I can't help it.

You still treat me like I'm your annoying little cousin.

Well, if the annoying little cousin shoe fits...

Boyce, stop it. You're not helping.

You see, Lolli?

And you don't take me seriously either.

Boyce, you got to understand, I love Biz.

Look, Biz is okay,

but you brought him into church without even asking me.

Okay.

As your respectful employee...

Okay.

I ask...

Hmm.

If I can please bring my little boo-boo to work?

I don't know.

Babe, she has so little in her life.

Go and let the girl keep the dog.

Lolli, usually when somebody leans in,

they lower their voice.

Girl, I'm trying to help youout.

[Boyce]Okay. You know what?

You can bring the dog to the office

two days a week, but that's it, two.

Yeah, but what about the other three days?

That's on you. I don't have nothing to do...

- Hey, guys. - Oh, Stamps!

- You don't have a job... - Oh.

No, no. No, no.

A what? A job?

Do these look like the hands of a man who doesn't have a job?

No respect.

Now, see.

That's somebody who needs a comfort dog.

Mm-hmm.

All right, Frank. All done.

All right.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Excuse me.

Um, aren't you forgetting something?

Only the first haircut is free.

Oh, I'm sorry, sugar.

Here's a ten.

Just give me back three.

Give you back three?

Look around here.

Does this look like Shorty's to you?

This is a high-end salon, Frank.

A haircut is $40.

$40!

But I fought in the jungle.

And I cut your nose hairs,

so we're even.

Now, listen up, you jive turkeys,

I am the boss up and through here,

and what I say goes.

And a haircut is $40.

She's right, Frank. Pay the woman.

- But I can't-- - Pay the woman!

If I have to take it out of your pocket,

you ain't gonna like it.

$40?

Who does she think she is, my ex-wife?

My first car cost $40.

[indistinct chatter]

I'm sorry, Lolli.

You know what, Barton?

For you, a haircut is always gonna be free.

But your friends had to go.

I'm surprised you let 'em stay past the first day.

I've been trying to shake Clyde for 30 years.

So I'll see you later.

Hey, Clyde! Hold on!

[soul music]

♪

♪ The soul man