Original subtitles

We all know that teamwork is great.

But sometimes, you have to have one person in charge.

Let's look at the story of Noah.

Sure, he had his wife and his family on the boat,

but it was called Noah's Ark, not "Noah and them's" Ark.

Noah was at the wheel,

and there wasn't no backseat driver talking about,

"Hey, you missed to turn off of Mt. Ararat.

Maybe we should pull over and ask for directions."

Noah would have been like,

"I'm 180 years old.

I got this."

[phone rings]

Hello.

Hey, babe.

Hey, babe. Shouldn't you be in the air?

Bad news, we missed our flight.

No, he missed our flight.

I've never seen a grown man hit the snooze button so many times.

Anyway, they rebooked us on another flight,

but we may not make it back in time for service.

Do you think you can cover for me?

Me?

[laughs]

Babe, I would do anything for you,

but you know I don't preach.

You'll be fine.

Just keep it short and sweet

and talk about some adversity from your childhood.

Like a good Oscar speech?

Exactly.

But instead of thinking a whole bunch of Jewish guys,

just focus on the one.

[soul music]

♪

♪ Hey

♪ The soul man

Okay. I am freaking out.

It's almost showtime,

and I still don't know what I'ma say out there.

Oh, relax, Lolli, just get up there, give props to Jesus,

sprinkle in a few Amens.

It's like preacher spackle--you use it to fill in the cracks.

For an hour and a half?

That's a lot of spackle.

You're right.

But those TV evangelists,

they chew up a lot of time bouncing around

and speaking in tongues.

I can't do that.

Girl, sure you can.

It's the day where you was like...

[speaks in tongues]

I'ma stick with the spackle.

Ooh, I was not wearing the right bra for that.

Amen.

[all] Amen.

And with that amen, can I get another amen?

[all] Amen.

Is she getting paid by the amen?

'Cause I'm fresh out.

Lolli, tongues, do the tongues.

[speaks in tongues]

Praise him.

Do I hear an amen?

Oh, for the love of God.

Yes.

Brother Stamps, let's go with that, the love of God.

Love is God, right?

And God knows that I have no idea what I'm doing up here.

And I know y'all can tell.

[laughter]

Oh, thank you.

I was so nervous that I didn't know what to wear,

and Lolli Ballentine always knows what to wear.

So I said, "Lord, is this dress too sexy for church?"

And he said, "Yes, it is.

"But I created it and I created you,

so go, girl, and rock that thing."

[all] Amen.

Ooh, I didn't even ask for that one.

Hallelujah.

[all] Hallelujah.

We missed almost the whole service.

Well, you're the one that needed to check four bags.

A man needs shoe options.

[cheers and applause]

[Lolli] God is good...

[all] All the time.

[Lolli] And all the time...

[all] God is good.

- Not sometimes. - No.

Not every now and then,

but all the time.

Yeah.

[lively gospel music]

[applause]

Amen. Amen.

Look at Lolli up there doing it for the Lord.

I can't believe the Lord approved that dress.

Praise him. Have a blessed week, everyone.

[all] Amen.

Pastor Ballentine, you were great.

I just moved here with my son,

and we have been looking for a new church.

Oh, thank you.

But I'm actually the pastor's wife.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, if this had been Pastor Ballentine,

you'd be asleep right now.

Nikki.

Don't listen to her, okay?

We love to have you, okay?

- You coming back next week. - Okay.

All right? Oh, there's my father-in-law.

Barton, new member.

Your new friend seems nice.

Yeah, I saw her butt, too, Stamps.

But she's not your type. She's a single mom.

So?

I'm tired of dating 22-year-olds.

They have no drive, no direction.

Too close to home?

A little bit.

Mm.

Stamps, what the hell are you doing?

It's a gift.

I got a date with a single mom from church,

and I told her to bring her son along.

Little man's gonna love it.

You don't need all that.

Why don't you get him a Slinky?

It can go downstairs.

This is a flying robot shark, Dad.

Yeah, but can it go downstairs?

I mean, Dad's right.

Who needs a flying shark

when you can play with a mattress spring?

See? Boyce gets it.

Shark haters.

[door slams shut] Hi, babe.

You're home early.

Boyce, I couldn't concentrate at the salon.

I'm still on a high from Sunday.

I mean, it felt so good helping you out,

doing the work of the Lord.

It got me to thinking, I want to be a more active first lady.

That's great, Lolls.

What were you thinking?

I want to do another sermon.

Okay. Great.

Look, baby, start brainstorming some ideas.

Now, don't get discouraged.

It could take a while.

But once you got something you're ready

to put down on paper,

let me know.

Oh, honey.

Bam.

My sermon is ready to go.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Thick.

So will you read it and let me know what you think?

Of course.

Ooh, and be honest.

Of course.

Honesty is so, so important in a marriage.

Oh, thank you, honey.

I appreciate it.

Good luck with that, son.

Well, what was I supposed to do?

I know what I would have done.

I would have gone to the airport two hours earlier.

Did I miss a page?

No, it's there.

It doesn't matter anyway.

So is Lolli's sermon that bad?

She wants me to tell her what I think,

and I don't know what to do.

Son, I've got two pieces of advice for you.

One, you have to be absolutely honest with your wife.

And two, ain't no way you can tell her the truth.

That's incredibly unhelpful.

Well, there is a third option.

Dad, if you're gonna tell me to go back in time

and wake up for my flight, don't.

Then I got nothing.

Oh.

Hey, Barton.

Boyce, did you get a chance to read my sermon?

Yes. Yes, I did, yeah.

Well, if you want the full effect,

imagine me saying it in this.

Bam.

Oh, you just went full Sister Actwith it, huh?

Yeah.

I just found one of your old robes and jazzed it up.

That is nice.

Well, I got to go pray for you, son.

So?

Details--what'd you think?

Well, babe, you know, there is a lot of good stuff in here,

a lot of good stuff.

Yeah, I like the area.

I knew you would.

See, I was trying to think of a metaphor for life,

and then it hit me--hair.

Because you were doing hair at the time?

Yes.

And no matter what you did to it, if you--

if you got the wrong perm or the wrong color,

you could just cut that mess off and go back down to your roots.

The roots of your hair?

- Right. - Yeah, I got it.

Yeah. Okay.

So Sunday, what are you thinking?

You want to go first,

or you want me to go first in your clothes?

Okay, okay, babe, let's just slow down a minute, all right?

This is a good first draft, but writing a sermon is a process.

Sometimes I have to rewrite mine over and over again

before it's ready.

Not me. I'm just a natural, I guess.

Thank you, Lord.

Okay.

Babe, I don't think you're hearing me.

What I'm trying to say is, this is not quite a sermon.

Well, if it's not a sermon, then what is it?

Good question.

It's a great start.

I love all the different thoughts.

It's kind of like a religious ransom note.

Boyce, if you don't like my sermon, you can just tell me.

I don't think I can.

You want to know what I think?

No. Never. Not about nothing.

No. No. No. Don't do that.

We could use an unbiased opinion.

Unbiased?

The woman has a voodoo doll of me in her desk drawer.

Boyce, it's not a voodoo doll.

It's a pushpin holder that looks like you

with some of your hair on it.

Nikki, be honest, did you like my sermon?

Lolli, I thought it was great.

It was hip. It was funny.

It was fresh--

not like those old stories Boyce always tell.

Those stories are old because they are from the Bible.

Hey, Trina.

Wow, you look amazing.

Oh, thanks.

This is my son, Malcolm.

This is Malcolm?

You must be Stamps.

You must not be six.

Uh-oh, I guess we can get you a big boy chair now.

Oh, no, you thought Malcolm was a little kid?

I was pretty young when I had him.

What, like, nine?

You're sweet.

But you two guys talk.

I'm just gonna run to the ladies room, okay?

- All right. - All right.

So, Malcolm, your mom tells me that you're into video games.

Hey, maybe we should play sometime.

Oh, I don't play video games. I design them.

I'm VP of Development for Dark Rebel games.

Dark Rebel?

Yo, I played all your games, man,

except for Assassin Assassin 3.

Yeah, I'm still saving up for that one.

Saving up? What do you do for a living?

[chuckles] In this economy?

I mean, please, what does anybody do for a living?

Again, I'm VP of development for Dark Rebel Games.

Wow, you really like dropping that into conversations,

don't you?

Well, hey, man, check it out.

I got you a gift.

Wow.

A remote-controlled shark?

It floats like magic.

Ages five and up?

Hell, yeah.

Man, I'm 37,

and I just ordered the second one so they could fight.

Pow, pow. Pow, pow.

Stamps, my mom sacrificed the best dating years of her life

to raise me, and now it's my turn to look after her.

And I don't want her wasting her time

with some unemployed slacker.

So enjoy the night because it's the last time

you'll be seeing my mom.

Are we clear?

I would like my shark back,please.

How are you feeling, baby?

Hey.

What do you think about a little fooling around?

I like the area.

Look, Lolli, I'm sorry if my comments

about your sermon sounded a little harsh.

Babe, I'm just disappointed.

I thought you wanted my voice to be heard.

I do.

Your voice should be a part of the service.

You know what, how about this, every Sunday...

Yeah?

From now on...

Yeah?

You're gonna do the announcements.

The announcements.

You mean, like,

what not to flush down the toilet in the lobby?

Yes, baby.

People love the announcements.

I mean, half the time,

they're not even paying attention to my sermon.

They just want to know when bingo is.

And that is all you.

Okay, Boyce.

Thanks.

Nice.

See, I knew we can work together.

This is gonna be great,

and you are gonna crush those announcements.

Well, here is my first announcement.

Boyce Ballentine...

Yeah?

I'm going to sleep.

What?

Good morning, church.

First of all, let me apologize for missing service last Sunday.

I let the devil use me,

and that devil was the snooze button.

[laughter]

I just couldn't get up.

I just kept hitting it, you know.

Anyway, starting today,

my first lady, who held it down so beautifully in my absence,

will be doing the church announcements.

So let's welcome her to the pulpit, Sister Ballentine.

[cheers and applause]

Good morning, church.

All right.

We are still looking for volunteers

to help with the food drive

so please contact Mrs. Ethel.

This week's Bible study has been moved to Monday,

which is good,

'cause some of y'all need to repent

for what you did on the weekend.

[chuckles] Yeah. Okay.

Now, the church rummage sale is Saturday.

I want you all to dig deep, okay?

Because one woman's trash is another woman's tadow.

[laughter]

All right.

Here's the thing,

I know you all have closets that are full of fashion mistakes,

and that's all right, 'cause we all make mistakes.

Some of y'all have jacked up your hair.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But that's okay,

because we can always cut that mess off

and go back down to your roots.

Okay.

Well, let's thank Lolli for those announcements.

Thank you so much, Mrs. Ballentine.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just getting started.

I got a lot more to announce about roots.

Can I get an amen?

[all] Amen.

Can I get a what-what?

[all] What-what.

You may be caught up with the wrong man.

[all] Mm-hmm.

You may be down deep in debt and despair.

[all] Whoo.

You may even be in the grip of drugs.

[all] Yeah, right.

Those mistakes are nothing but hair.

And God is always ready to give you a new 'do.

Mm-hmm. And do you know why, church?

We don't know why.

Because God knows where your roots are, huh?

And that's the hair from which can grow new life in the Lord.

These are the craziest announcements I've ever heard.

When's bingo?

Okay, y'all are confused, and that's okay.

But that what I just said,

that's bad hair, we just gonna cut that off.

All right. Here we go.

You're dating a man, and that man is on drugs.

That man is your hair.

So what are you gonna do?

Get him a haircut.

No, Stamps, he's your hair.

It's a metaphor.

Y'all aren't following this.

Y'all not saying "Amen."

Amen. Amen.

What Lolli is saying here is

that no matter what poor choices you made in life,

it's never too late to start over.

Yes! What he said!

With God, all things are made new.

[all] Yes.

Lolli was saying that no matter how bad you messed up your hair,

if you cut it all off,

what you're left with is the roots...

[all] Yes!

And then as it is written in the book of Job,

you will forget your troubles...

[all whooping]

And darkness will become like morning.

[all cheering]

Say, Malcolm, can I talk to you for a second?

Hey, look, man,

if it's about that shark, I popped it, okay?

No.No, no.

This is about me and your mother.

Okay, look, I like her, she likes me,

and our relationship is really none of your business.

Well, I'm making it my business.

Yeah, slow your roll there,Junior.

You may think you're some big shot, but you know what?

Your video games suck,

the game play is clunky,

and I can read a book in the time it takes a level to load.

You read books?

That's not the point.

What I'm saying is Assassin 2 was horrible.

I mean, it's the same bosses on every level.

It's like you took the same character model

and slapped new skins on it.

You noticed that?

Duh.

And then there's no payoff,bruh.

You don't even get to kill the assassin

who assassinated your father's assassin.

Hm.

That would have been a good idea.

Hey, you ever think of working as a game tester?

Only every day of my living life.

You offering me a job?

Yes, I am.

You offering me a six-figure job?

Not even close.

I'll take it.

Ooh-whee.

I can't wait to tell your mama I got a job.

Hey, Trina.

Well, praise the Lord.

Baby, I want to thank you again for saving me today.

But I just got so caught up in the rush, the crowd,

I was looking cute.

I'm sorry.

It's okay, babe.

You know, sometimes in a marriage,

we just have to recognize what the other person does.

I mean, I couldn't come down to your salon

and start giving out perms or finger bangs.

Waves, baby, finger waves.

[chuckles]

See? That just proves my point.

So I'll just keep doing my thing and you keep doing yours.

But can I still do the announcements, though?

Of course.

Okay.

Well, here's something I want to announce.

I'm not sleepy.

Oh, good.

Could you put some of that lotion on my back, then?

I'm playing, girl, come here.

[yelps]Stop it.

- You know you're gonna get it. - No. Stop it.

[yelps]

Good God.

Ugh, wait a minute.

Are you choking a man with his own intestines?

I'm trying to, if you just be quiet.

Oh.

- That's just wrong. - I know.

Human intestines are 30 feet long.

This game only lets you use, like, 5.

Nobody ever got disemboweled by a Slinky.

Come on.

Stamps, maybe it's time for you to take a little break.

No, I can't.

I've got four more games after this.

I'm buried in work.

Don't you have a date with Trina?

I had to cancel.

I just keep getting more and more games to test.

I had to cancel on her every day of this week.

Okay.

So the guy that doesn't want you dating his mom

keeps giving you more workto do?

That Malcolm is really a genius.

[soul music]

♪

[Boyce] ♪ The soul man