Original subtitles

When it was just Adam and Eve on Earth,

it was paradise.

And then that snake showed up,

the original third wheel.

Now, if Adam had gotten that snake a date,

maybe it would have had something better to do

than to talk innocent naked people into eating an apple,

and that turned out to be the most expensive apple

in history.

Well, except for those organic ones at Whole Foods.

Lolli!

Come on, babe. We'’re gonna be late!

[Lolli] I'’m coming, babe!

Oh!

Hey, Boyce.

Sorry, Nikki, bad timing.

We have dinner reservations.

I know. I'’m coming with you guys.

Oh, no can do.

Vitronno'’s only has a table for two.

Oh, we'’re not going to Vitronno'’s.

I'’m off pasta. It'’s too carby.

I made a reservation for us at House of Curry.

So come on. Let'’s go.

- Babe? - Huh?

Why does Nikki think she'’s going with us?

Oh, she kind of invited herself,

and I couldn'’t say no.

She didn'’t have nothing else to do.

She never has anything else to do.

She tagged along with us Saturday to the Cardinal game.

Then Monday she crashed our trip to Color Me Mine,

and she colored mine.

[Nikki] Come on, you guys! I'’m starving!

I hope she don'’t think I'’m paying for her again.

[Nikki] Damn, I left my purse at my house!

That'’s all right! Your house is on the way!

[whispers] Stop it.

[soul music]

♪

♪ Hey

♪ The soul man

What? Are you telling me all these girls

are looking for dates?

Yes, Lester.

Tindr is the way to go, bro. There'’s nothing to it.

So how do I get that on here?

Lester, you don'’t want to meet women on a dating app.

I mean, where'’s the courtship?

Where'’s the romance?

Here'’s the courtship.

"No. No.

"Hell no.

Yes."

Now, here'’s the romance.

"See you tonight at 10:00, sexy."

See ya.

Do you really want to have meaningless sex

with desperate strangers?

If you'’re trying to make it sound bad, you failed.

And besides, Boyce the Voice wasn'’t exactly into courtship.

When you met Lolli, you wrote your room number on a napkin

and shoved it in her cleavage.

Yeah, that was my signature move back then.

Stamps, I'’m not looking for a hook-up.

I'’m looking for a girl to share my life with,

to laugh and cry with,

to eat curry with.

I know that girl.

Lester?

Lester.

Socks with Crocs Lester?

He thinks she'’s a goddess,

and he'’s everything she can ask for.

I mean, he has a job, and he'’s alive.

[chuckles]Well...

that is a huge upgrade for Nikki.

It is.

I mean, come on, Loll. We got to make this happen.

I mean, she'’s always here.

No, she'’s not.

Yes, she is.

[Nikki] Will you two keep it down in there?

I'’m watching SpongeBob, and my edibles just kicked in.

Okay, babe, but do you think she'’ll go for it?

Yes, babe, because you'’re gonna sell her on it.

Come on, baby.

I just want to be able to walk around butt naked in baby oil

with my church shoes on again, you know?

Oh, I love it when you do that.

- Yeah. - Okay, I'’m in.

I can do this. Boyce, I can sell anything.

- Okay. - Watch me work.

Go.

What I wouldn'’t give for a Krabby Patty right now.

Um, Nikki?

Since you'’ve been in St. Louis,

how many dates have you been on?

None.

And how many times

have you seen this episode of SpongeBob?

200.

But I find something new every time.

You'’re going on a date.

- But I'’m-- - No buts.

We'’ve got this guy.

- Okay, it'’s Lester. - Oh!

Seriously, Lolli?

Me, with all this going on,

and Lester, with all that Lester happening?

I want someone more like Idris or Denzel.

Aw, girl, stay in your lane.

I don'’t know, Lolli.

It could get awkward.

Well, what if it was just a casual dinner

and--and Boyce and I came with you guys?

[Boyce] Lolli. Lolli.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Lolli.

Whoa, whoa. Whoa!

- What? - What are you doing?

Babe, the whole point of matchmaking Nikki

is to have less Nikki.

Boyce, I got the fish on the hook.

Now, I could reel her in, or I could take her off the hook

and let her flop around the couch for the next 20 years.

You know what?

Get that fish in a boat and club it.

I can'’t believe Lester thinks dinner at his place

is a good first date.

Okay, positive attitude.

Fine, but I'’m telling you, if he'’s got

a chapped white lip,I'’m out.

I got no time for ashy men who don'’t want to drink their water.

[doorbell rings]

Greetings.

[sultry music plays]

Welcome to my humble abode.

Wow, Lester, you'’ve got style.

Are you gay?

No, but thank you.

Champagne?

What is this, a fish ice cream?

No, that'’s actually tuna tartare

in a sesame miso cone.

Miso impressed.

Well, then get ready,

because I'’ve been in the kitchen all day.

I couldn'’t decide between making a lamb tagine or a cassoulet,

so I decided to make both.

Are you sure you'’re not--

I'’m not gay,

and I hope that will become more evident

as the evening goes on.

Babe, you know, this can actually work.

Lester is smooth as a baby'’s bottom.

He'’s the smoothest man I'’ve ever seen.

I don'’t know about all that.

Oh, pardon me, Lolli,

but I think you have something in your ear.

Ahh!

Oh!

Lolli and Nikki: Smooth!

[both laugh]

I'’ll just get my own raspberry.

You know, this wine is pretty good.

Is there any reason

we'’re drinking it out of thimbles?

It'’s not a wine, per se.

It'’s a Madeira, a Portuguese digestif.

Sweet and nutty.

You'’re sweet and nutty, Lester.

Oh, stop it.

I haven'’t even gotten started yet.

Lester, I have to admit

you do throw one hell of a shindig.

Oh, this is nothing.

Back in the day, I threw dinner parties all the time.

In fact, they called me Lester the Entertainer.

Lester the Entertainer.

Mm, I like it.

Sounds kind of braggy to me.

[chuckles] Oh, pardon moi.

Babe, Lester'’s about to blow it.

He is laying it on way too thick.

Are you kidding me?

This is the best first date I'’ve ever been on.

Our first date was pretty special.

You didn'’t have to do a damn thing.

Come on, now. I romanced you good.

You jammed a napkin in my boobies.

I did not jam it.

It was a nice gentle tuck.

I hope you saved room for a little dessert.

Sweet baby Jesus.

The man carved swans out of honeydew.

Look like a duck to me.

I hate to be stereotypical,

but let me get one of them wings.

I don'’t know, Stamps.

I mean, Lester was doing too much.

He made beans and sausage and called it cassoulet.

Well, it was a first date.

A man has to pull out all stops.

I should know, '’cause I only go on first dates.

I can'’t believe you don'’t find that pathetic.

Oh, I do.

Yeah, I'’m actually kind of depressed.

Oh, brother, I'’m sorry.

What am I talking about? I'’m not sorry for you.

You done had sex with four different women since lunch.

Yeah, but is that enough?

I hope it'’s enough.

Look, it just feels empty.

You know, I need more.

I need real emotional connections.

There you go, man.

Yeah, get out there in the world

and meet people the old-fashioned way.

No, I mean I need RealEmotionalConnections.com.

Yeah, see,

they take your personality and analyze it,

and then they match you with people

that you have real things in common with.

It'’s run by some guys in Russia.

Oh, they'’re Russian.

Okay, what could possibly go wrong?

Don'’t mock.

Not all of us can pick up women just by saying,

"Hey, baby, I got three platinum records.

Take off your pants."

Huh?

You--you think that'’s what Lolli thought

about our first date?

Yeah.

Eh, I guess you'’re right,though.

I mean, I did have it going on back in the day, though, man,

but, man, I was bigger than life then, man.

I mean, I had Pat Sajak'’s home number.

Flying first class from Tokyo to Rio.

I owned a tiger.

Well, I ain'’t actually owned it.

It was one of them exotic timeshare things.

Like, some day--some days you get, like, a meerkat,

and then sometimes you had, like, a jackaroo.

I used to love that jackaroo.

I was just so big back then.

I didn'’t have to worry about romance.

But it was clear to me last night

that Lolli likes romance...

and cassoulet.

When was the last time you made a big romantic gesture?

Whew!

I can'’t even think of the year, man.

I just--

I know it was me, Lolli.

The Sajaks were there.

Did you see that top Lisa had on?

Bringing all that cleavage to a lady'’s luncheon.

- Who'’s she trying to catch? - Mm-hmm.

Well--well, ladies, let'’s not throw stones.

Ooh, what is that exotic flower arrangement on my desk?

Oh, my God, these are from Lester?

Read us the card.

I don'’t know.

It'’s kind of personal.

Lolli, here, read this and tell me if it'’s too personal.

Let'’s see.

Out loud. Lolli, read it out loud.

"Black woman, let me love your dusky essence.

Black woman--"

[Lester] Black woman,

let me teach you love'’s lessons.

Black woman, put on your crown.

Black woman, let me rub your skin so brown.

Black woman!

My summer'’s eve so warm, so hot.

Black woman, come to me.

Go, Lester!

That'’s enough, Terri.

I am sorry to intrude, ladies, but I was at home

thinking what'’s sweet and black just like you, Nikki?

So I made you some of my signature blackberry jam.

Oh! Mmm.

Are you serious?

Ah, come on!

[giggles]

[Asian flute music playing]

What the--

Boyce?

Boyce, what is all of this?

Domo arigato, Lolli.

What are you thanking me for, babe?

Oh, babe, I thought I said hello.

Hey, babe, relax.

Look, come here and have a little sake.

- Oh! - Yes.

Now your personal chef,

me, is about to satisfy your most exotic cravings.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Hip! Hai! Hai!

Oh! [laughs]

Baby, to what do I owe this pleasure?

This is--

Just trying to romance you, girl.

Remember our trip to Tokyo?

Oh.

How I wined you and dined you and loved you down?

Remember that restaurant in the Harajuku District?

Oh, how could I forget?

Tay! Ah!

Oh, honey!

Yes.

That'’s exactly the way that chef did it.

And some vegetables.

Hai! Hi!

[laughing]

How did you learn how to do all this?

Well, I realized I got to keep things hot.

Okay, so I see, but what brought all this on?

Babe, look, I realize

that I have to step my game up.

I mean, you know,

when we first got together, things were different then.

I was a big star.

What--what are you saying?

Everywhere we went, it was VIP treatment,

private jets, presidential suites.

Yeah, so?

That'’s the Boyce that you fell for.

Are you calling me a gold digger?

Oh.

- Hmm! - Oh, no, hey-

Then what are you saying, Boyce?

Babe, I'’m not suggesting that you were with me for the money.

I'’m just saying that if I didn'’t have the money,

which I knows sounds similar--

it'’s just a tone thing, you know.

I cannot believe you thought that about me.

Babe, that'’s not what I'’m saying.

- Wow! - Lolli, come on.

You got to listen to me.

[alarm beeping]

Oh, Lord, there'’s a fire.

Okay. All right. Okay.

Okay, all right.

[screams]

Hey, so the fire department is gone.

The rental place is gonna come pick up the table tomorrow.

Probably won'’t get my deposit back, though.

Hey, I saved you some steak.

Found a piece with no foam on it.

Boyce, how could you think I married you for your money?

I didn'’t. I don'’t.

I just chose my words poorly.

Very poorly.

Look, babe, you got to admit

I'’m not the man you first fell in love with.

Who'’s the man I first fell in love with?

There was a 50-foot billboard with my face on it.

Had my name all in lights.

Now my name is in plastic letters

in front of a little church,

and last week some kids rearranged that to say,

"Come to our Sunday crevices."

Would the man I am now

ever been able to get a woman as amazing as you?

You want to know the truth?

Well, when you say it like that, I'’m not sure.

Boyce, do you remember when you took me on a private jet

to New York to go to the Grammys?

Yeah, that was the first time you said you love me.

You think that trip was the reason I fell for you?

- It wasn'’t? - No.

It was the fact that you got a ticket for my grandma.

Remember you took her to the afterparty

with all those celebrities there?

You escorted her around for two hours.

She even got a chance to meet Harry Belafonte.

Daylight come, and she did not want go home.

It was nothing, babe.

Baby, this is what I'’m trying to tell you.

It was everything.

That'’s the Boyce I fell in love with.

So I almost burnt the house down for nothing.

Yeah.

I will have that steak,though.

It'’s really well done.

I don'’t mind.

I just appreciate the effort.

Come here, girl.

Ew, Boyce, you smell like charcoal and soy sauce.

Go get your butt in the shower.

All right, mood killer.

No, '’cause I'’m coming with you.

Ooh, domo arigato.

Oh, hey, baby.

So what are we doing tonight?

I want more Lester.

I really wish you wouldn'’t say it like that.

Sorry. So what are we doing today?

Well, actually, Nikki, I have other plans tonight.

Thanks for the jam, Lester.

You'’re welcome.

The jam?

You--you gave her the jam?

You dirty dog.

Nikki, please don'’t overreact.

You and I have only been on two dates,

and we never talked about not seeing other people.

Look, for the first time in my life, I'’m in high demand,

and a lot of ladies at church are after me now.

That'’s because of me!

I'’ve been bragging about you.

Oh, that makes so much sense.

Thank you, ma chérie.

Oh! Don'’t thank me. And I don'’t share.

Black woman! You cannot cage this panther.

I don'’t want to cage the panther.

I want to put my foot up its ass.

- Whoa, whoa. - What is going on?

Oh, that cassoulet-baking,

thimble-drinking, Def Poetry Jamming fool...

and I have decided to see other people.

Real smooth, Lester.

I'’m sorry, Reverend, but I'’m hot out in these streets.

Um, call you later?

Oh, I'’m blocking you, flip phone.

Nikki, I'’m sorry.

Oh, it'’s okay.

I'’ll be all right as long as I have my family.

Yeah, we'’re here for you.

Well, see you for dinner at your house.

Boyce, we were so close.

We had the fish on the boat.

We just didn'’t club it, though, you know?

Black woman, would you feed me some popcorn?

Black woman, will you remind me

to put in my new eye drops before we got to bed tonight?

Oh, yes, black man,

because your allergies are ferocious like a jaguar.

[Nikki] Black people, shut up.

I'’m trying to watch my TV show.

Hey, hey, hey, fam bam.

Glad you'’re here.

Well, we live here.

Bro, I wanted you to see that it is possible

to find a real emotional connection online.

This here is Rita, and she and I are a 97% soul match.

Hi.

RiRi?

Cousin RiRi?

Aunt Yolanda'’s baby girl RiRi?

Cousin Boyce?

Cousin Fletcher?

He goes by Stamps now.

So this is nasty,

but at least you know she come from a good family.

[soul music]

♪

♪ The soul man