Original subtitles

Now, Church, we all know that Jesus was a man without sin.

Now, in the Bible, He goes from age 12 to age 30.

So we must assume that He was a perfect teenager.

And for all us parents in here,

that is a real faith-tester, huh?

Lord knows I wasn'’t a perfect teenager.

No, you were not.

Yeah, my daddy knows.

See, but look at me now.

Yeah, I could have gone down the wrong path,

and you know who I'’m talking about.

Say it with me.

[all] Gooch.

Gooch, my old buddy Gooch.

Now, when we left off last Sunday,

Gooch had just got fired from his job

as a department store elf.

[imitating Gooch] "Santa acting like he the boss of me.

"Gooch ain'’t got no boss.

I slapped that beard right off his face."

[laughter]

Now, what did poor, misguided Gooch do?

He took that red elf vest and went and stood out front

of a fancy restaurant and pretended to be a valet.

[imitating Gooch] "Sure, sir.

"I'’ll park that Lamborghini for you.

"Oh, no.

Damn, man, it'’s a stick."

Well, what do you know?

Police caught him two blocks later,

Gooch stuck at a red light trying to get the Lambo

into first gear.

Now, did he learn his lesson?

I'’ma tell you all next week.

[all groan]

That was a fun sermon yesterday, son.

Oh, thank you, Daddy.

That wasn'’t a compliment.

Church isn'’t supposed to be fun.

Dad, I'’m just trying to appeal to my young people.

I'’m using Gooch to make a moral point.

And they just so happen to like it.

Well, young people also like using their telephone

to take pictures of their business.

That don'’t make it right.

Pop, for the last time,

I didn'’t mean to send that picture to you.

[soul music]

♪

♪ Hey

♪ The soul man

Hi, Lolli.

Ooh, Terri.

I can'’t believe you left the house looking like that.

You'’re brave, but don'’t worry.

I'’m gonna put you in a banging outfit.

I'’m just here to get my hair done.

Trust me, you'’re not.

The hair that I'’m gonna give you doesn'’t go with this outfit.

Shoo, fly, shoo.

Nothing goes with that outfit,

except for maybe gasoline and a match, okay?

Nikki, girl, you are gonna love this look I gave you.

Okay.

[both scream]

Oh, no, no, no.

No, your money'’s no good here, girl.

I know. I'’m taking a selfie.

Besides, I am paying you in something

more valuable than money:

an awesome Yelp review.

Everybody reads Yelp.

- Yay. - Oh, never mind.

Nobody reads Yelp.

What does it say?

Oh, it doesn'’t matter.

Give me that.

What? I only got one star.

"She yelled insults at me for three hours."

I don'’t yell.

Yeah. Where'’d you get that from?

"Obnoxious, judgmental, nasty..".

Wh--"good with color."

"Rude." Well, I--

Lolli, you'’re not rude.

You'’re just candid. And it'’s endearing.

Oh, man.

Well, you know, I guess it could always be worse.

I guess they could'’ve given me no stars at all.

Actually, they can'’t.

One star is the worst you can get,

but you don'’t need to know all that right now.

Ouch.

I mean, it'’s not the worst review, babe.

She does point out that you had a clean bathroom.

She also says that'’s where she went to cry.

Ah, yeah.

But still, it'’s only one bad review.

But, Boyce, how can I get rid of it?

You can'’t.

You'’ve just got to down it out with good reviews.

I'’ll write one for you.

That'’s not gonna help me, Stamps.

- I need reviews by women. - So.

Most of the women on the internet aren'’t women.

[Boyce] Yeah, you found that out the hard way.

Thanks, but no thanks, Stamps.

I'’m gonna earn my own good reviews myself, okay?

I'’m just gonna say nice, supportive things to my clients.

I can pretend to like stuff I hate.

Remember when Stamps had those dreads?

Oh, yeah.

[doorbell rings]

Wait a minute. You didn'’t like my dreads?

Huh? What? No, I loved your dreads.

Oh, I'’m about to say...

- Right. - Yeah, thank you.

- You was killing it. - Right?

Right.

[scoffs] I can do this.

Gooch.

Boyce.

Or should I say Reverend Boyce now?

[chuckles]

Hey, Gooch, it'’s good to see you, man.

It'’s been a while.

I mean, last I heard, you were in

a state correctional situation.

That was a long time ago.

I'’m a legitimate businessman now.

Oh, really?

So who are these guys?

My interns.

I'’m a busy man.

I got two restaurants, a car wash,

and a bed-and-breakfast, very quaint.

Now, I'’ve been hearing some disturbing reports

that you'’ve been talking about me a lot.

A lot?

When you say "a lot," that--that'’s relative.

You know, I mean, I look at your friends here,

I would say that this guy here works out a lot,

but then your other friend seems like he works out even more.

So a lot for one person

is a little less for the other person.

But can I get y'’all something to drink?

Boyce, here'’s the thing.

My reputation is very important to me.

And your stories make people question

the legitimacy of my enterprises.

I mean, come on now, Gooch.

I haven'’t said anything that wasn'’t true.

Oh, Boyce, I know.

I know, but now it would be

in your best interest to take it all back.

[yawns]

Look, Gooch, now, wait, is that a threat?

Because if it is, we might have a problem here.

Not with you interns.

By the way, are y'’all getting

college credit for this?

I'’d love to write you a little note or something.

Relax, Boyce.

Relax, relax.

I'’m not gonna hurt you.

I know. I know, man.Come on.

I'’ll leave that to your dad.

Say what now?

I mean, since we are telling stories,

I have a very memorable story to tell

about how back in the day, you and me

burned down half your pop'’s church.

Now, I know the old man would love to hear that story.

You know, it would hurt a lot less

if you and the interns just started

beating the hell out of me right now, man.

[chuckles]

[both chuckling]

You and Gooch were the ones who burned down the church annex?

Just--come on now.

It wasn'’t on purpose.

We were working on a little project in the church basement,

and our equipment overheated.

What kind of project?

Well, you could say we were making moonshine.

Why would you do that?

Gooch has stolen some potatoes,

and then he stole some copper tubing,

and then he stole a welding kit, so we...

Wouldn'’t it just have been easier to steal some liquor?

I said that to Gooch while we were watching the annex burn.

Oh, Boyce, man, everyone thought that fire was a hate crime.

I know.

I feel really bad about it.

Dad stepped up.

He brought out the whole community.

He led that huge rally.

I mean, that'’s what built his reputation.

- I know. - He got Jesse Jackson to come.

Jesse hugged you, man.

I remember it.

Well, on the plus side, when Dad finds out,

I'’ll finally be his favorite.

Look, man, Dad can'’t find out.

I mean, I hate to do it, but I got to keep this lie alive

for one very good reason.

It would kill Dad.

And Dad will kill you.

Okay, two very good reasons.

Church, now, all these stories about Gooch...

[together] Gooch, Gooch, Gooch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yes. Gooch.

Well, the thing is, is that I made them up.

[all groan]

I know, I know. Now, listen.

Gooch is a good man, the real Gooch.

And I will never say his name again.

Again, unless it'’s to reiterate

how good Gooch is, and he is good.

Good, good, good, good, good, good man.

Good, good man.

Yeah, okay, yeah, now that I'’ve got that cleared up,

ladies, next Tuesday, you'’re having a potluck.

And last month, well, five of y'’all brought in Jell-O,

so let'’s talk to each other, people, okay?

Boyce, what'’s going on?

Gooch was in church today.

He was?

I didn'’t notice.

Come on.

Now, Gooch shows up in church,

and you take back all your stories.

Son, what'’s he got on you?

Nothing.

He was just all hot under the collar about

some of the stories I'’ve been telling, and, you know, he--

He threatened you, didn'’t he?

Well, if you must know, yes.

Uh-huh, I knew it.

With what?

Oh, just the usual.

You know, he'’s gonna break my kneecaps,

and he gonna cut off my finger.

Just standard old gangster stuff, you know.

But I took care of it, and I'’m just moving on.

I get it.

He scared you into taking back your sermons.

I wouldn'’t say I was scared.

Well, it'’s okay, son. I'’m not judging.

I'’ll never forget that day I saw you run away from a duck.

It was a swan, and that could break your arm.

Watch Animal Planet.

Felicia, I hope you are happy with the new look you wanted.

Y--you look fabulous.

Lolli, you did good.

My God. Did you see her?

She looked terrible.

I almost asked her to leave through the alley.

But, Lolli, you gave her what she wanted.

It'’s like I learned running my sex toy business:

always give the customer what they want,

even it is the butt stuff.

Lollie, I found it.

I have my new look.

Okay, girl. Let me see it.

Oh.

You want me to make you look like Rihanna?

Yes.

[scoffs] Girl, I got to be honest.

- You-- - No, you don'’t.

No, I think I really do.

Lolli, you can do this.

These hairdos are your butt stuff.

Cut off his hands and break his kneecaps--

Hey, Dad.

What are the cops doing here?

This is my old buddy, Larry.

I contacted him and Ed here about how Gooch threatened you.

Oh.

Dad, come on now. It'’s not that big a deal.

[Larry]Oh, it is a big deal, Pastor Ballentine.

We'’ve been trying to nail Kenneth "Gooch" Stanley

for six years.

Why?

I mean he'’s a legitimate businessman now.

I mean, he has a restaurant and a car wash,

a bed-and-breakfast.

He even has interns.

We have reason to believe that he is laundering money

through the restaurants, the car wash is a chop shop,

and the bed-and-breakfast--

well, the bed-and-breakfast is actually delightful.

I took the missus there last year.

They make their own jam.

Oh.

You know, I can believe that about the jam.

But money laundering and chop shop?

That doesn'’t sound like the Gooch I barely know.

Boyce, there'’s nothing to be afraid of.

With your help, they can put Gooch in jail for a long time.

We'’ll need you to wear a wire.

- A wire? - He'’ll do it.

[Larry]We just need you to get him to admit that he threatened you.

Then we can bring him in.

Once the truth comes out, Gooch will be screwed.

Yay, we will screw the Gooch.

Boyce, I know you'’re scared

and you want to run away from the fear.

But you got to face it.

You got to face your duck.

It was a swan.

A swan can break your arm.

Thank you!

I can'’t wear a wire.

As soon as Gooch mentions the annex fire, I'’m toast.

Bro, think positive, okay?

Maybe Gooch will see you wearing a wire and kill you on the spot.

Not with my luck.

Why don'’t you just sit down with Gooch and have

an honest conversation with him man-to-man?

Hmm, yes.

- Yes. - Yes.

- Good idea, right? - It'’s a terrible idea.

But it gave me a brilliant one.

Okay, I'’ve got a visual on him.

Can you hear me?

Loud and clear, Boyce.

Just act natural.

[Boyce] Okay.

[clears throat]

Gooch, welcome.

Glad you could come.

[imitating Gooch] Oh, man.

Ain'’t nothing to it, Boyce.

Now I can tell my little sister I went to church

and not be lying.

[chuckling]

[as self] Yes, she raised you right.

[imitating Gooch] Hey, look, man.

My pit bull just had puppies.

You want one?

[as self] Uh, no, I'’m good.

[imitating Gooch] You sure?

They make for great house pets.

I got a cat that rides her around like a horse.

[chuckling]

[as self] Yeah, man, you should put that on YouTube.

Hey, Gooch, seriously though,

remember the other day when you threatened me?

[imitating Gooch] Oh, Boyce.

Man, are you serious?

Man, I was just messing with you.

Man, you got gooched.

[as self] Oh, wow, I sure feel dumb.

Well, I guess that settles that.

[imitating Gooch] It sure does, man.

- Boyce. - Huh?

Who are you talking to?

[clears throat] Gooch.

He was just leaving.

Okay.

Well, where is he now?

He'’s here.

He'’s the third person in the room.

Gooch, meet Nikki.

[imitating Gooch] What'’s up, Nikki?

Man, you'’re looking delicious and spicy.

Are you okay?

[imitating Gooch] I'’ve never been better, brown sugar.

Okay, you'’re starting to freak me out a little bit.

[as self] That'’s--that'’s just Gooch being Gooch.

[imitating Gooch] Yeah, I like goochin'’ people.

[as self] Classic Gooch.

Okay, I have got to stop smoking weed in the daytime.

[Boyce] Oh, no, no, you don'’t smoke weed.

- You don'’t smoke weed. - Yes, I do.

I'’ve got some right here in my purse.

Oh, that is not weed. That'’s not weed.

Oh, yes, it is, fool.

Look. I got my vapo pen.

I got joints.

I got some edibles here.

- Put this in a smoothie. - Stop.

- Woo-hoo! - Stop it.

Boyce, Nikki got arrested?

Yeah, for possession.

But she has so much weed in her purse,

she'’s lucky they didn'’t get her for trafficking.

Poor thing.

She'’s okay.

I posted her bond,

and they gave her 30 hours of community service.

But if she skips town, we lose the house.

This is the worst day ever.

Really? What happened?

Well, I spent this whole day trying to get good Yelp reviews.

I'’ve been telling everybody they have great taste.

Pretty much lying through my teeth.

I feel you.

I'’ve been lying a little myself.

I'’m lying now. I'’ve been lying a lot.

I lied to Daddy.

I lied to the congregation.

I lied to the police.

I lied to Jesse Jackson.

Boyce, what are you talking about?

Okay, when I was 15,

Gooch and I accidentally burned down the church annex.

And I'’ve been lying about it ever since.

I mean, it'’s a lot like you with your clients,

so I guess we in the same boat.

You burned down a church?

There'’s no way we'’re remotely in the same boat!

It wasn'’t the church.

It was the annex.

And I'’m just saying we'’re both covering up the truth.

I was being nice to people for good internet reviews.

You burned down a church.

It was the annex!

In the book of Matthew, it is written,

"There is nothing hidden that shall not be made known."

Now, me being a pastor, you'’d think I would know that.

All this time, I have been telling you Gooch stories

when I could have just been telling you Boyce stories,

starting with this one:

30 years ago, I burned down the church annex.

It was me.

You? You burned down the church?

And Gooch. And Gooch.

Just to be clear, I only found out about this

a few days ago, and I was just as shocked as all of you.

What?

Go on, sugar.

You let me believe it was a hate crime.

- You lied to Jesse Jackson! - I know.

He was making up all kinds of rhymes.

"It'’s never too late to stand up to hate."

All for no reason!

Church, now, the hate crime may have been fake,

but the strength my dad showed was real.

And it brought all of us together.

And, Dad, it made you become the leader

you were always supposed to be, so...

If they take away my key to the city,

I'’m whipping your behind.

And let us pray, especially for me.

That is so true.

I mean, they just don'’t listen.

And if you'’re gonna do it, don'’t put the fruit in it.

Shall I put this with the others?

Yes.

[Barton] Boyce, telephone call.

Hello. This is Pastor Ballentine.

Jesse?

[clears throat] I'’m sorry.

Reverend Jackson.

Yes. Yeah. Yes, I did do that.

Uh-huh. Look, I'’m sorry, but I was...

Yeah, I do remember the hug.

Of course my actions were erroneous and felonious.

Ooh, this man can talk right here.

He won'’t even know he'’s on hold right now.

Uh-huh.

Oh, really?

You didn'’t have the dream, Jesse.

You were somebody.

That was Martin'’s.

You can'’t take credit for having the dream.

Ladies, I called you all here to apologize to you...

for listening to you.

I should have never put your looks in your hands.

And for that, I am truly sorry.

What do you mean?

I wanted you to like me.

And now I hate myself.

But not as much as I hate how y'’all look.

You are not great at apologizing.

No, but I am great at styling.

Ladies, to the dressing room.

Strip down. The Goodwill is on the way.

Shoo, fly, shoo.

You too, Ri-Ri. Get to gettin'’.

Shoo, shoo, shoo!

Nikki, I want you to help them in there.

Oh, you know what? I wish I could.

I got to go.

It'’s my shift.

Give my regards to your husband.

[soul music]

♪

♪ The soul man

♪Hey ♪