Original subtitles

Cain and Abel.

The first siblings on Earth, and what happens?

One of them kills the other.

His own brother.

And this was before bunk beds.

Now, I'm not condoning what Cain did,

but anybody with a brother understands the impulse.

Of course, our siblings are a gift from God.

But every now and then,

we wish God had just given us a gift card.

Nikki, are you eating my sandwich?

Oh, is this yours?

How was I supposed to know?

I had my initials on it. B.B.

Boyce Ballentine?

That could have been any B.B.

That could have been Barry Bonds.

Why would Barry Bonds have his lunch in our refrigerator?

I don't know, steroids make people do crazy things.

By the way, I'm not going to be here on Friday.

Why?

I've got a lady situation.

Wh-What is it?

Okay, you can't ask about a lady situation.

It's harass-y.

I'm adding that to your file.

I don't believe you have a file.

That would actually mean you did some work around here.

Oh. Unprovoked hostility.

That's going in your file too.

[arguing]

Hey, girl!

Oh, Marshawn!

I'm so excited.

[laughing]

Marshawn. Long time, no see.

Okay, what kind of trouble are you two getting into?

Nothin'.

Nah, nah, nah, nah. This is definitely something.

You asked for Friday off.

And then Marshawn done walked in here

with her good hair on.

[audience laughter]

Is this Chocolate Chicks Weekend?

No!

Don't tell Lolli!

See, I knew it.

Marshawn, why don't you take your big mouth

and go wait in the car.

I can't believe it.

You're doing Chocolate Chicks and you didn't invite Lolli?

No! And you know who's to blame?

You. You became a pastor.

And the Chicks don't want a preacher's wife

cramping their style.

Lolli don't do like we do anymore.

So y'all going behind her back. You know, that's just evil.

Sometimes I don't even know

how you can walk through the church threshold

without bursting into flames.

Oh, come on, Boyce.

Taking Lolli with us is just like

having Jesus there.

He don't need to see all that.

Me and the Chicks, we goin' to turn Chicago out.

Shoot! We goin' to do a little bit of this.

♪ Hey-ay!

And a little bit of that.

♪ Oh!

♪ Uh-uh! Hah!

And then we gonna go here.

[trilling] Ha ha!

[trilling] Ha ha!

Whoo! Ha ha!

And then we gonna go.

Hah! Oooh! Hah! Oooh!

Oh!

You're right.

Jesus don't need to see all that right there.

[soul music]

♪

♪ Hey

♪ The soul man

But, Boyce, I started Chocolate Chicks.

Yes, you did!

I laid the chocolate eggs they hatched from.

You're the mother hen!

Them doing this without me

is like Destiny's Child without Beyonce.

Ain't nobody buying that ticket!

[laughing] That's right, babe.

Plus Nikki talkin' about they gonna go all here with it.

And they just gonna do it like this.

She was like, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Hah! Hah! I was like, huh!

Boyce, see?

They think I'm boring because I'm a preacher's wife!

I can go there with it!

Hold my hand!

I can go there with it!

Babe, that's all you gotta do is prove it to them.

Don't let them put you in no box.

Call Nikki and let her know that you're goin'.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Oh, wait a minute!

What are you gonna do all weekend?

Oh, I'm gonna be fine.

I got a long list of stuff I need to do around this house.

Like watch TV and eat pizza in your drawers?

Those are on the list.

Hey, guys.

Stamps, we're in the middle of something.

Don't mind me. Just doing some laundry.

I'm not even here.

You're not even here a lot.

Look, if you and Stamps get hungry this weekend,

I got some steaks in the freezer.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I am tired of feeding Stamps.

This is gonna be a Stamps-free weekend.

I'm gonna lock myself in and binge-watch Game Of Thrones.

20 hours of blood, guts, and naked butts.

I gotta catch up on it before people ruin it for me.

Okay, well, you go ahead and watch that without me.

'Cause when I heard about that family getting all stabbed up

at that wedding, I said--

Dah-dah-dah-dah! Dah-da-da!

Ah! No, no, no! Don't you do that!

You're doing it now! You're doing it.

What are you doing?

Uh, washing my hats.

You know that's a dishwasher, right?

I got this trick from Goop,

Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle blog.

So that's why I got a sink full of dirty dishes?

Well, I had to unload 'em.

I don't want your food on my hats.

That's nasty.

All right, I just bought my ticket.

Chocolate Chicks weekend, here I come.

Ooh, I saw that on Goop.

They're still doing Chocolate Chicks?

Oh, that's great, man!

Guys' weekend!

Two men being manly.

Manning it up.

Getting our man on.

You know what, Stamps, that would be nice,

but I...am...uh, leaving.

I--first thing in the morning,

crack of dawn, I'm going to a church retreat.

Well, that's cool, man. Maybe I'll join you.

They got food there?

Yeah, yeah, there gonna be food

and prayer and Bible study and we're gonna go real deep

into Corinthians, yes.

Uh...it's gonna be great.

I mean, no Internet, no phone, no women--

No Stamps. You have fun.

Well, that's--that's too bad. You'll be missed.

I had him at Corinthians.

[birds tweeting]

Yes!

Oh! Hey, Nikki.

Thank you so much for taking Lolli to the airport.

My pleasure, snitch.

You ain't from the streets no more.

[grumbling] Hey, Lolli!

I am so excited you're coming this year.

Mmm-hmm.

All right, you two have fun now, okay?

And, uh, I expect to see my first lady

on Sunday, right?

We have a baptism.

Baby, I will be there.

All right.

Chocolate Chicks Weekend, here I come.

Yay!

I hope you happy.

Couldn't be happier.

Okay, bye bye, now.

Yes!

"All men must die!

For winter is coming."

And so is my meat lover's pizza.

Oh, he just stabbed him!

Uh, hello? Yes.

Um, the name's Ballentine.

I should be in your system.

Yeah, I'd like the usual.

You know, do y'all have a salad?

No? You know what, don't even worry about it.

Hah! One more!

Ah! And the other arm.

Yeah, okay, all right.

Naked boobies for no reason, all right.

I don't get it, but I ain't mad.

Oh, come on, Tyrion!

De-leg-ify him!

Ah!

Heh heh heh.

Whew, all this killing makes a man thirsty.

Ah-ha...stand aside or be slaughtered!

Hah, hah, aaah!

The land of my father shall run red with thy blood.

Libations for my men!

The king must have his ale.

[chuckling]

Oh, the king's ale may not be a twist-off.

Oh! Ah!

Aaaah! My back!

Oh, oh!

Ow! Eh!

Help!

Anybody!

King down!

King down!

I gotta get to my feet.

Oh, God, I can do this.

Ah! I'm a grown-ass man.

Ah, aah! Mama!

I--I ca--I hear you. My cell phone.

It's in the living room.

Okay. All right, here we go.

[grunting]

[groaning]

Whoo!

[stammering]

Please...

Yee!

Agh... Gah!

Come on, come on.

Siri! Call somebody!

Oh, got to take a break.

Okay... All right...

Ahh...

[straining]

Stam--Stamps!

[Boyce] Hey-- [stammering]

Stamps! Stamps!

Take off the headphones!

[sensual music playing]

What are you-- What are you doing?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[gasps] What the--

Boyce?

What--I thought you were out of town!

In town, out of town, never okay.

[laughter] Oh, stop, girl.

Where is Lolli?

I don't know. I knocked on her door...

Very softly. [laughter]

Maybe we should go in without her.

You know, she is a preacher's wife.

She got to forgive us.

Praise the Lord.

[dance music playing]

- Oh! - Whoo!

- Yes! - Hey!

Oh, my, yes.

- Oh-- - What--

♪

Ooh! Hey, chicks!

Excuse me, young thang.

Ooh! Oh, sorry, y'all.

I got here a little early.

Too early to put some clothes on?

Does Boyce know you dress like that?

This weekend I am not a first lady.

I am a chocolate chick.

All right, then. Let's go get a table.

Oh, no, no, no.

'Cause if I'm sittin' on all this,

then nobody can see it.

To the bar, ladies.

Chocolate chicks!

[all] What, what!

- [laughs] - What are we drinking?

All right, so do we get white wine or red?

Oh, should we get a bottle or is that just too crazy?

Bartender, a round of Incredible Hulks.

What?

Two parts Hpnotiq,

three parts Hennessy,

with a shot of I've been drinkin' on the side.

- Girl, okay. - I'm sorry,

why do they call it the Incredible Hulk?

'Cause after you drink it,

you wanna rip off your clothes and go, aah!

[all] Aah!

Ow! Aah!

- Ow, ah, ow. - [exhales heavily]

[groans]

There you go.

Hoo!

Stamps, what are you doing

breaking into my house

and watching $20 porn?

Nobody pays for porn anymore!

Technically, I didn't pay for it.

You did.

And wh--what are you doing here, man?

You said you were going on a church retreat

at the crack of dawn.

That's right, I did.

And, uh, just as I was leaving,

I hurt my back.

You've been flat on your back all day?

- Why didn't you call me? - I couldn't reach my phone.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Delivery for Boyce Ballentine.

Pizza? Who called for pizza?

You know, I must have butt-dialed

when I fell down or something.

But you just said you couldn't reach your phone.

What are you, Law and Order: Special Pizza Unit or something?

I can't believe you.

Um, can one of y'all pay me?

I'm a little uncomfortable with the hardcore porn.

Okay--okay, I-I know there's a pizza guy in it,

but it's just a coincidence.

- Mmm. - Mmm!

[all] [exclaiming]

Ooh, these drinks are kicking my behind.

Y'all are some lightweights, that's why.

I'm gonna divorce my husband.

Okay, we are cutting you off.

- Yes. - [laughs]

Lolli, honey!

You're coming out of your top.

No.

Now I'm coming out of my top.

[women shrieking and laughing]

- Hey, excuse me. - What?

Would you mind taking a picture of us?

It's my friend Jasper's bachelor party.

Uh, yeah. [chuckling]

Okay, uh, this is so sad.

Who's--who's-- who's Jasper?

You?

Okay, have no fear, okay.

The chocolate chicks are here.

Uh, girls, come on, let's send this boy off right.

I promised my fiancee I wouldn't do anything too crazy.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, don't worry,

because I am a pastor's wife.

Chocolate chicks!

[all] What, what!

Chocolate chicks! [all] What, what!

[dance music]

♪

Who brought the party?

[all] Lolli!

Say my name.

[all] Lolli!

Lolli!

You can handle this, baby.

It's just baby fat and fibroids!

Jasper, what's your fiancee's name?

Sheila-- I mean, Shelly.

What's your first dance with Shelly gonna be like?

Y'all gonna do something like this?

[cheering]

Let me get some of that!

- Hey! - Hey! Hey!

[cheering]

Jasper!

- Shelly! - Who?

Get off my fiance.

Okay, that's it. The party is over.

Get off of him. Get off of him!

Hello. [laughs]

I'm Regina. Congratulations.

This how your man like to do it.

[all] [exclaiming]

Okay--

I know you not up in here partying with these ratchets.

Oh! What! Oh, hold on.

I know you didn't call us ratchet.

We are the chocolate chicks, and we are from St. Louis.

[all] [exclaiming]

Ooh, guess what.

We from the Lou too, boo.

Okay, calm down, everybody.

Let me just explain.

Okay, this may be my fault.

I was just trying to prove

that a preacher's wife could still party.

[all] Mm-hmm.

- You're a preacher's wife. - Right.

Well, say a prayer.

- [grunts] [all] Oh!

[indistinct shouting]

[all screaming]

Too close to me! You're too close!

You're just too close!

[all shouting]

Stamps, look, don't take this personally,

but I just needed some me time.

And not the kind of me time you was about to have on my couch.

Why don't you just admit it, man?

You don't wanna hang out with me.

Look, calm down, man.

I just needed a little break.

A break? A break from what, man?

I mean, tell me, what have I done to you, huh?

I'd love to hear it.

Are you serious?

Look, first, you borrow my car.

Then you eat up all my food.

And then yesterday, you put your hats in my dishwasher

because some crazy white lady told you to.

Gwyneth is not crazy.

She's just misunderstood.

I don't care.

You know what? Forget you. Forget you, man.

I'm taking my half of the pizza and I'm getting out of here.

How is it half yours?

[grunts]

Dahh!

Okay, all right, all right now.

Aah! Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Whoo!

Ahh.

Mmm.

Mmm, that's worth it right there.

[organ gospel music] [rhythmic clapping]

♪

Here you go.

- What's this for? - Last night.

Don't ever say I didn't pay for my half of the pizza.

$3.00?

It was a $15 pizza.

I didn't ask for all that meat!

[organ music and clapping continues]

[organ and clapping stops]

Is that--is that it?

That--that's the whole song?

All right, all right, here we go.

Oh! All right...

Here I come, y'all.

Comin', on the way. All right.

Mm! All right. Ooh, thank you.

God, I didn't realize this thing was that far away.

Um...will the candidates for baptism please come forward?

Lolli.

[whispering] Boyce...stop screaming!

I'm not screaming.

What--how much did you have to drink?

I can't remember.

We are here for the baptism

of Josiah Brandon

Malik Lavante Williams.

Y'all named the baby after everybody, didn't you?

[baby fusses] Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

What's wrong, little man?

My baby brother gets on my nerves.

I feel you, man.

I got a brother too.

I mean, brothers-- they always steal your food.

They hang around all the time.

They do inappropriate things on your couch.

Like get crumbs on it.

I wish.

So you hate your brother too?

No. No!

No, no. I don't hate my brother.

That's--that's my brother. I mean...

We get into it, sure, but that's what brothers do.

Boyce, if you don't want

your first lady face down on this carpet,

get to baptizing.

All right. Time to hold the baby.

Give...that...ooh!

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! This...

Ooh, this a healthy baby right here, just--

- Here, take the baby. - Boyce...

- Take the-- - I'm in no condition

to hold a baby.

Boyce, give me the baby before you drop him.

Okay. All right.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

- Hey, it's what brothers do. - Look, man--

OH, my God, will somebody dunk that big old baby

so I can go lay down?

[fighting sounds on TV] Ooh!

[laughing]

Prince Oberyn, man. That's my man right there.

Yeah? Don't get attached.

What--he gets killed?

- Yep. - Oh, man!

- Don't tell me! - Don't--you asked.

I didn't want you to tell me.

Who did it?

No, do-do-do-do-don't tell me.

Was it one of them Lannisters?

Ah! Don't tell me! Don't you tell me.

Aw, look at the two of you watching your show.

Why are there naked boobies in the middle of war?

No reason.

But I ain't mad at it.

- Stamps-- - My nose is running, man.

Babe, I wanna apologize

for not being very...

first lady-like this morning.

Yeah, well, you drank enough

for the second, third, and fourth lady.

I know, I know.

And I'm sorry. But from now on,

I'ma be at that church whenever you need me.

I will be on time, I will be sober,

and I will be cute.

All right, good, because I'm gonna need you next Saturday

right by my side.

We're doing a wedding.

I am there!

Who's getting married?

Oh, it's a nice little young couple, uh,

Jasper and Shelly.

[shudders] Ehh!

[stammering]

I don't know if I can make it.

[soul music]

♪

♪ The soul man

♪ Hey