Original subtitles

There's one thing everybody is scared of,

and that's change.

Look at the Book of Exodus.

Nobody resisted change more than Pharaoh.

Now, he didn't want to free the Israelites,

so God sent ten plagues upon him.

Ten!

I could see Pharaoh hanging tough through locusts and frogs,

but once God hits me with boils, that's it.

I'm changing.

I mean, seriously,

how many pyramids does one man need?

Hey, come on, we got to go.

The movie starts at 9:00,

and we still got to get snacks and sodas.

[groans] All right. Okay.

Already ahead of you, babe.

- Put all that in your purse. - No, no, no.

Why do I always have to smuggle stuff in?

Because I'm a man of the cloth, all right?

I'm held to a higher standard, okay?

And don't forget a bottle opener.

You never know when there's gonna be communion.

[phone rings] - Boyce. Boyce. No, no, no.

- I gotta get it, bae. I got-- - Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Don't answer the phone. Baby, it's date night.

Babe, I'm a minister, all right?

I'm always on call.

[phone continues ringing] - Okay.

- Hello? - Somebody better be dying.

Oh, how long does the doctor say she has?

Ooh! I was just joking.

I was just joking.

Mercy General on the third floor.

All right, I'm on my way. All right.

Stay strong, Helen. All right.

I'm gonna try and see if they have a later movie.

Thank you, babe.

[phone rings] - My goodness!

This lady won't even let you get your Bible out.

Helen, I'm on my way. Okay.

Oh.Ooh.

No, okay, I'm sorry.

How long do they say he has?

Another one?

This one is not on me.

Okay, what hospital is it? Mercy General?

Oh, that is fantastic.

No, I'm just saying because they do good work.

[soul music]

♪

♪ Hey

♪ The soul man

Your family's strong, Helen, all right?

And I'll always be there for you, but I got to go.

I just want to tell you how helpful--

Yeah, email me. Okay, God bless you.

- Oh, I just want you-- - Okay, look, you know,

there's a lot of people dying, okay, so email me,

and follow me on Facebook.

Okay, yeah--amen.

Oh, sorry I'm late.

Old chatty Cathy out there.

So how you doing?

It's rough, but I'm hanging in there.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, it's okay to let go.

Soon your soul will be free of its mortal container.

I'm gonna die?

Are--are you not gonna kick it?

I'm here for a hernia surgery!

Oh, oh! So you're not Earnest Towers?

I'm--I'm sorry. I'm in the wrong room.

Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! This man says I'm gonna die!

No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm in the wrong room.

Okay, forgive me. God bless you.

[shouts]

I'm sorry, okay.

You're not looking that good, though.

God bless you! God bless.

[groans]

Lollipop!

Baby, we got any breakfast?

[sighs] Nothing for me.

I'm too depressed to eat.

Stamps, what are you doing in my house?

It's 7:00 a.m.

Aw, Boyce, I can't be in my place.

Everything there reminds me of Kim.

Okay, she moved to Atlanta weeks ago.

You got to move on.

I'm trying, but it's hard.

Everywhere I go, I can still smell her perfume.

So can I.

Are you wearing her perfume?

- No! - Huh.

Oh, you poor, poor thing.

I don't want your pity.

You don't have my pity.

I was talking to Boyce.

Hey, baby.

Lolli, I tell you,

it seems like all I'm doing lately is funerals.

I mean, no baptisms. No weddings.

Hell, I'd be happy with an exorcism right about now.

It's so sad, and Miss Barnes was one of my best clients

down at the salon.

Well, you gonna get one more crack at her.

The family wants you to do her hair for the funeral.

Dead Miss Barnes?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, no.

No, no, no, Boyce. I do curling.

I do straightening. I do braids.

Bobs, cornrows, weaves, afros, perms, fades, updos,

and occasional Jheri curl,

but I do not do dead.

Good Lord.

Boyce, I can't send Mrs. Barnes to Jesus looking like this.

Nikki, do you have your weave comb?

This is not a weave.

Yes, I do think I have something.

Okay, I am so nervous.

I don't know if I can do this.

Oh, girl, don't be scared. Just get in there.

She ain't nothing but hair and meat now.

All right, Nikki, come on. This is church business.

It's no time for the congregation to be here.

Oh, hey, I'm not in your congregation.

When I come into town, I go to Maximum Faith.

What, that tacky megachurch down on Third?

Oh, he feels threatened because it's so popular.

I do not feel threatened.

Oh, it's okay to feel threatened by somebody

who does the same thing you do but better.

You know what, I don't need to hear

your trash talking right now,

especially from somebody who runs a dildo business.

For your information, I sold my dildo business,

and it wasn't just about dildos.

And for a preacher, you're not even supposed to be saying

the word "dildos" in front of a poor, old, dead woman.

[door opens]

You couldn't ask for better weather for a funeral.

Gray and rainy.

I find when it's too sunny, people tend to cheer up.

Oh, Uncle Barton!

Boyce, you hear Nikki's good news?

She made a fortune selling her business.

Daddy, do you even know what Nikki's business was?

Sure, I do. I'm not an idiot.

She sold adult toys.

And you're okay with that?

Why would I have a problem

with remote control helicopters and foosball tables?

- No, she actually-- - No, that's not what she did.

- It was kind of-- - Her business was in--

She--

Never mind.

- Foosball. - Yeah.

♪ When Jesus is my portion

♪ A constant friend

♪ Is he

As we all remember Mrs. Barnes,

let us take a moment of quiet reflection.

♪ Lord! Oh

Qu-quieter.

Almost silent.

Were you very close with my aunt Roberta?

Who?

- She's in the casket. - Oh, right.

No, I was just thinking about my girlfriend, Kim.

She's gone, and I'll never see her again.

Oh, no.

Was it sudden?

Never saw it coming.

Are you wearing perfume?

It was hers.

Oh, you poor baby.

That concludes the Barnes service.

I will ask--

♪ I sing because I'm happy ♪

♪ I sing

[mouthing words]

Oh, she looks beautiful.

You did a wonderful job,Lolli.

Well, it was nice.

She just kind of let me do my thing.

I wish she was alive,

so she could see how good she looks dead.

I don't know.

You think it was tacky of me

to put my business cards in that woman's casket?

I don't know, but I saw Miss Rose take a card,

and she could drop dead tomorrow.

Royce, that's just crazy talk.

Look, I'm sorry, Dad, but I am done.

All right? We got to find a way

to get some young people into our church.

I'm not doing any more funerals.

Look, if you want to get young people in,

talk with our treasurer, Mrs. Belcher.

She's in charge of youth outreach.

Ah, see, now you're cooking, Dad.

Yeah. Mrs. Belcher.

[phone rings] - Okay.

All right.

Hello.

Thelma Belcher was a faithful servant of the church.

May she rest in peace.

It's a shame she's in the casket.

You can barely see the outfit that I picked out.

Come on.

Try to prop her up a little bit.

Ah! Don't touch the dead person.

I wasn't gonna touch her.

Nikki, when you go over to your church,

can you pass out some of my business cards?

Oh, girl, I'm gonna need more than this.

It gets packed at Maximum Faith.

Hey, when you're at that megachurch,

there's young people there, right?

Hello? I go there.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, when you're there, do you see young people?

[upbeat gospel music playing]

♪

[Nikki squeals]

♪

Excuse me.

Really? This is ridiculous.

What kind of church makes you enter through the gift shop?

Baby, just keep an open mind.

Go, Jesus! Go, Jesus!

It's your birthday! Get money!

It's not his birthday. It's March.

[upbeat gospel music playing]

Okay, I get it, baby. It ain't no big secret.

This ain't nothing but a show.

This man ain't doing nothing

but what I used to do back in the day.

Yeah. These kids want a show?

I'll give them a show. Heh.

I'm talking smoke, lights.

- I'll get a band. - Boyce, please!

I'm trying to worship.

Ooh! The Maximum Faith Dancers!

Dancers? See, I was gonna say dancers.

Ladies, we got room down front.

- [gasps] Oh, yeah! - Oh!

- Thank you! - Ah! Sorry, sir.

We're at capacity.

Ah, okay. I see what's going on, man.

Look, my wife is in there.

A lot of guys' wives are in there.

All right. God bless you too.

Lolli! Lolli, come on!

They ain't gonna let us in!

[laughs]

- Last night was wonderful. - Mm-hmm.

Sorry that my roommate walked in on us, though.

You know, she's really quiet,

and she waited a long time to clear her throat.

[giggles]

Do you ever feel like maybe your girlfriend

is watching us too?

Kim? Well, how could she be watching us?

You--you know, like from heaven.

Heaven?

Oh!

Heaven, yeah.

You told her Kim was dead so you could get some?

Nah, she assumed.

I mean, I got some, but--

Actually, I got it all.

But, Pop, it was an honest mistake.

And you're hoping I'll say it's fine,

so you can keep on doing it.

Would you?

- It's a Holy Ghost party. - It's a Holy Ghost party.

It's a Holy Ghost party.

[together] It's a what?

Ah, that's the jam.

We got to keep that one right there.

Dad, I got big news.

Get ready for "Extreme Makeover: Church Edition."

Now, I'm talking surround sound, smoke machine, flat screens.

Hold--hold--hold on. That sounds expensive.

I don't care if it's expensive. I have a vision.

We can't afford vision. We don't even get dental.

Now, oh, Barton, listen.

It's more than just lights and smoke.

This pastor was so compelling.

I mean, he stood up there and told the people how he had been

[imitating pastor voice] in the streets for ten years

hustling and drug-dealing

and hooking up with prostitutes.

That's not a sermon. That's a rap sheet.

No, no, Uncle, it was riveting.

One morning after a week-long coke binge,

he woke up on top of a girl...

[together] And she was dead!

I'm telling you, Daddy,

in order to get some young people into this church,

we got to shake things up.

People don't come to church to get shook up!

They come because they know what they're gonna get.

Like I've been going to Frank's Diner every morning

for 20 years.

You know what I order? The usual.

Last month suddenly the usual

came with something called "quinoa."

That's not usual!

Please, Son, don't put quinoa in our church!

What? What does that even--

Look, guys, if we're gonna reboot this church,

we got a lot of work to do.

Lolli, I need you to get me some new clothes.

I'm on it.

And, Stamps, go down to that megachurch

and grab some of the people from the overflow room.

- How am I supposed to do that? - I don't know.

Offer 'em salvation or free Wi-Fi,

GameStop cards, I don't know.

Look, you get some young people in them pews,

I'm gonna preach the hell out of 'em. Heh.

I got stories too.

Ah, yes, you do, baby.

Oh, oh, and, Nikki, I need you to go to Chicago.

Why?

Mainly 'cause I just don't want you here, okay?

You know what, Boyce, every single time--

Ladies and gentlemen, let's make some noise

for the preacher who will reach ya,

the master pastor who will save you from disaster.

Here he comes, strutting his stuff in Looks by Lolli.

If you like what you see, hey, that's because of me.

The one, the only Right Reverend Boyce Ballentine!

[up-tempo gospel music]

♪

[cheering]

♪

[cheers and applause]

[Boyce] Come on, now.

Sit down. This ain't about me right now.

Come on.

What's up, First Baptist Church?

[all] What's up?

Can I get a "praise Him"?

[all] Praise Him!

Can I get a "praise Him up"?

[all] Praise Him up!

All right.

I see a lot of young faces out there.

A lot of new faces.

A lot of faces who are probably thinking,

"What does Reverend Boyce Ballentine know about my life?"

- That's right. - "About my world?

About the way that I live?"

Well, I'm not gonna sit up here and tell you

that I have lived a life of purity and reverence.

- No! - 'Cause I have not.

And I didn't say, "Get behind me, Satan."

No, I told Satan, "Let's turn up!"

[all] Yeah!

See, I could tell you about sin and degradation.

- Oh! - Mm-hmm.

See, I once found myself butt naked...

[woman] Whoo!

Nose caked full of cocaine...

Ooh!

- On the back of a tour bus... - Oh!

With Chaka Khan.

Cha--Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan?

You remember, "Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan"?

Tell Me Something Good. I'll Be Good to You.

Chaka Khan! Y'all--

- [mouths words] - You see, that's okay.

Where I was, I had got so far away

from the man upstairs.

I was doing all kinds of deviant things.

[crowd oohs]

- Debaucherous things. - Oh!

- Diabolical things! - Oh, yes! Yes!

All the things start with the letter D.

I was so low from where I was,

I had to look up to see Rick James.

Rick James?

Notoriously troubled singer from the '80s.

So--aah! Don't you--

Amen.

Amen!

Thank you. Thank you. All right.

Fist bump, now. Come on.

Quick pound? None? All right.

Well, Son, that was one big, steaming load of quinoa.

It's not Boyce's fault.

If these little idiots don't know who Chaka Khan is,

they don't deserve to be saved.

Reverend Boyce, I just want you to know

I only came here for the free Wi-Fi.

You got a good vibe, man.

- I'm glad I came. - Really?

- I got a good vibe. - This place is really personal.

You know, Maximum Faith is so huge and so crowded.

You know they wouldn't even let me get past the velvet rope?

Heh, I couldn't imagine how that would make you feel.

You know what, we're not gonna ever have a velvet rope here.

I want this place to feel like home,

and I want you to come back home next week

and bring some friends.

- Most def. - All right.

See, coming back next week and bringing friends.

- You hear that? - I heard.

- Yeah. - Oh, and by the way,

I don't know who that Chaka Khan guy is, but it was really brave

of you to tell us how you used to get freaky with dudes.

[laughs]

- I heard that too. - No.

Hey, that's not what I meant.

So, look, I wanted to talk to you about my girlfriend.

The one who died?

Yeah, that's the one.

Except she didn't. She's alive.

Of course she is, and she'll always be alive

as long as she's in your heart.

No, no, no, what I'm saying is, she's literally alive.

I understand.

No, I don't think you do.

All right, baby, now that I got momentum,

I really got to turn things up next Sunday.

- Okay. - All right?

- I'm talking about a live band. - Band.

Beyoncé's wind machine.

Maybe that Cameo cup Daddy used to wear.

♪ Oh, uh, mmm

Oh, I need to audition dancers.

- That's what I need. - No, no, no.

Why don't you let me audition the dancers, Mr. Chaka Khan?

- Catch you guys later. - Hi.

Is that the girl from the funeral?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Son.

Did you tell that girl the truth?

Oh, yeah.

- Like eight times. - Good boy.

Hey, Boyce.

Elders and I had a look at how much all those TV sets

and cameras and VCRs you bought cost the church.

I didn't buy any VCRs.

And since our beloved treasurer Mrs. Belcher

is out of the picture...

I don't even think you can buy VCRs anymore.

Well, it's time we hired a new treasurer.

And who better than the financial wiz

in our own family, Nikki?

[laughs] Boom!

Girl, you're moving to St. Louis?

Yes!

Daddy, Nikki is not gonna tell me what I can and can't buy.

Mostly what you can't.

I'll holler!

Boyce, I already sent back your smoke machine.

Wait, wait, hold up.

How you gonna see the lasers without the smoke?

I sent back your lasers too.

Okay, wait a minute. What about my wardrobe budget?

Oh...you good. [laughs]

All right, wait a minute.

She's good? I'm supposed to be good.

I'm the one that's supposed to be good!

Boyce, stop it.

- This is gonna be so much fun. - I know.

Let's pop some champagne, girl.

Wait. I want to talk to you right now!

Y'all--y'all just gonna walk out on me?

Lolli, come back here.

I know they're not opening my Veuve Clicquot in there.

♪

♪ The soul man

♪ Hey