Original subtitles

[exciting news theme plays]

This is Travis Fontana, coming to you live,

and for the fifth day in a row, the city of St. Louis

has been shut down by this blizzard.

Now, you could look outside your window

and see that it is snowing, but my producers insisted

that I come out here and prove it.

So breaking news, it's snowing. Right?

And be glad that you're not me while you're sitting at home

with your families, enjoying the warmth of their company.

Renege! Nikki, you a liar and a cheater!

Okay, all right, first of all, you can't renege on fish,

and you just mad 'cause you losing.

I'm losing 'cause you cheating.

- Oh, no, I'm not. - Hey, come on, y'all,

It's just a game.

- Yeah, a game with rules. - He's a crybaby.

All right, that's enough!

You've been at each other's throats

since the blizzard started. Let's just play the damn game

and have some fun!

You're right, Uncle Barton.

All right, fine, Nikki, you got any 3s?

Go fish.

You know damn well you've got some 3s.

You don't know what I got in my hand!

You just got a 3 from Lolli a turn ago!

Everybody, stop yelling!

Lolli's right. Be nice to your cousin.

She's your guest.

She was a guest for two days. She's been here for five.

Now, she's just a squatter.

Oh, really?

Which reminds me, we getting low on toilet paper,

so ease up, everybody.

Anyway, Kim, give me a call when you get this.

I'm still stuck at Boyce's place.

People are starting to get on my nerves.

Uh, Stamps, we can hear you.

And now they're eavesdropping on me.

Just call me, please.

Where are my cards at?

We put them back on the pile.

If you want to play, you've got to stop calling

your girlfriend in Atlanta every ten minutes.

Oh, Uncle Barton, cut him some slack.

Long distance relationships are hard.

My boyfriend Jameel is going out of his mind without me.

I'm going out of my mind with you.

Okay, I am marking you. Ooh.

[phone chimes]

Ooh. Oh, see, there he goes again.

Well, it's going to be hard, but me and Kim are gonna

make this long distance relationship work.

Mm-hmm.

W-what do you mean, "Mm-hmm"?

Oh, did I say it like, "Mm-hmm"?

'Cause I meant it more like, "Mm-hmm."

Mm-hmm.

All right, Boyce, your draw. It's Nikki's turn.

Oh, hmm. Boyce, do you have any 3s?

All right, that's it.I quit!

See, and that's the problem!

[all yelling at once]

Okay, calm down, everybody. We just cooped up and hungry.

Okay, there's not much left in the kitchen,

but I whipped up some mini toast points

with a tangy dipping sauce.

It's croutons and mustard.

We're making do.

Lolli, they're hard as a rock.

We're making do.

Ugh, it tastes like--

We're making do!

It's smoky, though. It's the smoky things...

- Yeah, it's sweet and tangy. - So sweet.

- Made with love, Lolli. - Yeah, it's real good.

[soul music]

♪

♪ Hey

♪ The soul man

I mean, really.

I don't know why I'm the only one cleaning up.

I wasn't the only oneplaying!

Ooh, okay, Daddy, Daddy.

Come on, get the-- get the door.

Ooh, ooh. Goodness.

I shoveled the walk again.

Daddy, why do you keep shoveling it while it's still snowing?

You've got to get ahead of these things, Son.

I learned that in 'Nam.

Everybody into the kitchen right now

for a family meeting.Nikki?

Dad, what are you talking about? You didn't fight in 'Nam.

I went with your mother in '88. Trust me, we fought.

All right, listen up, everybody.

We are in survival mode.

The supplies are low, the cupboards are bare,

so from this point on,

there will be no unauthorized snacking.

Who put her in charge?

What? You got something to say, son?

- Right--[stuttering] - No, no, no, do you?

Because I-- No, no, no, Boyce.

I been in this kitchen for five days,

and I ain't in the mood for no slick talk,

but if you got something to say,

come on, I want to hear it.

I like your shoes.

Aren't they cute? [laughs] On sale for $650.

$650?

Oh, they cute, though. Those are nice.

Okay, listen, we need to pool our resources and ration it,

so whatever you've got in your pockets, purses,

backpacks, give it to me now.

I've got three pistachios and a Starburst.

I've got a Twix.

I mean, I ate one side, so it's a "Twick."

All I got is a roll of Tums.

After we eat all this junk, we gonna need these.

Uh, Nikki, I notice you ain't putting nothing in the bowl.

I didn't have nothing.

Oh, really? Why your fingertips orange?

- They're not. - Yes, they are.

That's Cheeto dust.

You got Cheetos.

You been up in my house eating all my food, five days.

Now I'm sitting up here starving,

and you're gonna stuff on the Cheetos!

You know what?Daddy!

Nikki in here hoarding Cheetos!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Look at her.

Here fingertips was orange a second ago.

Boyce, for the last time,

will you stop annoying your cousin?

Man--

Look at her! She just ate another one!

Boyce, you're embarrassing yourself now.

You know what, it's already bad enough that we stuck with Nikki.

Now we gonna have ants.

Hey, babe, I was gonna ask you what you--

Babe, I can't, I can't, I cant.

Ba-- Boyce?

Ooh!

What are you doing out there?

Babe, I'm not gonna be in that house with Nikki in there.

Boyce, she's not that bad.

I just caught her with orange fingers.

- Cheetos? - Cheetos!

I oughta put this $650 boot in--no, no.

Yeah, no, no, that's what I'm talking about, baby.

Give in to the hate. Don't even worry about it.

No, I'm not, because what good would it do?

We can't get rid of her. Where she gonna go?

The airports are closed, the train station is closed,

and in two seconds, this door is about to close.

Ooh. Okay, you right, you right. Ooh.

Oh, my goodness, I almost lost my baby toe out there.

Look, you know what, baby,

technically, the airport's not closed.

You saw on the news all them people in there camping out.

You know, she could be one of them.

You know, get her down there.

You know, she meet some friends. It'd be like a slumber party.

Boyce, we're not dumping your cousin at a airport.

You know what? You right.

You know, it'd just be too easy for her to get back here.

[sighs] I wish I had somebody

to drive her butt all the way back to Kansas City.

I'ma try one of them little car service apps.

That's what I got right there.

No, Boyce, nobody is crazy enough

to be driving around in this mess.

Ha ha! Ha, one!

There go one driver right there, crazier than a mug

Wait, but he's charging 20 times the normal rate.

I know, it's gonna be like $4,000 for the ride,

but getting Nikki out of here, priceless.

[news theme plays]

Hello St. Louis. Travis Fontana, still out here in the blizzard,

and it's getting worse. It's 9 degrees.

I mean, I would tell you the wind chill,

but if 9 degrees don't keep your ass off the streets,

you deserve to die.

[doorbell rings]

[Boyce]Coming!

All right, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.

[laughs]

Boyce, what are you doing with my suitcases?

Uh, your ride is here.

- [shivering] - Come on in.

- Yeah. - Oh! Ooh!

- [laughs] Hey, man. - Ooh, ooh, ooh.

- You the driver, right? - Yeah, that's me.

Ooh, it's so cold outside!

I got to put my hands in my pants to warm 'em up.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ooh. I'm Terrell.

Uh, I'm good, bro.

Look, man, I just need you to get my cousin out of here, man.

What?

I can't drive anybody anywhere.

I hit a snowdrift.

That's okay, man. We'll just push you out.

No, I went through the snowdrift

and hit a busload of Korean tourists.

Oh, you poor man. Come on over here.

- Mi casa es su casa. - Hoo, hoo, hoo.

It is not "su casa," it's "mu casa."

[doorbell rings] - Oh, man.

Those are my new friends!

No hard feelings, right? No hard feelings, right?

No hard feelings, right?

No hard feelings, right?

Damn, how many buses did you hit?

Come on, man.

[cheers and applause]

Uh, y'all do have somebody coming to pick you up, right?

Put that book down--y'all don't know nobody in there.

All right, Dad, come on...

I shoveled the walk again.

Oh--

All right, new arrivals, this is how this is gonna go.

If you want to stay here,

you got to pitch in. We need your food.

Lolli, they're visiting from Seoul.

I don't think they speak English.

Oh, um...

[loudly, slowly] We need your food.

Babe, babe, I don't think they speak slow, loud English either.

Oh, um... We...

um, need...

um, your... [chewing noises]

- food! - All right.

Okay. Now I see why we never win at charades.

Uh...my man.

- You looking for food? - Right.

Right. Food. Right!

[chime] Was that Nikki's phone?

[chime]

Do you have Nikki's phone?

Looks just like my phone.

Mm-hmm.

Whoo damn!Ho damn!

I don't know who Jameel is, but...

this is some steamystuff--

scandalous stuff.

Bro, you know that's an invasion of privacy, right?

If there's no pass code on it, that makes it public domain.

That's not even true. That's not true.

[chime] Ooh hoo hoo!

This man wants to get with his girl desperately!

Hoo hoo!

Ah. Gimme that phone. You know what?

That gives me a good idea.

I'm gonna text Jameel our address

so he can come get Nikki.

Yeah!

Hey, baby...

since you miss me so much,

why don't you come get me?

Send. [chime]

"That's a long drive.

Why don't you send Daddy a sexy pic to motivate me?"

Uh-oh...ooh.

Send a sexy pic to who?

Man, I gotta send a sexy pic to Jameel.

No! So he'll come get Nikki, man.

I want him to come get Nikki.

Don't worry, I got it. Go like this.

- Why? - 'Cause up close,

it looks like a butt.

Ready? Bam! Check that out.

Oh...man!

I got a nice little arm ass right there, boy.

I'm just sayin'. Okay.

You think this gonna work? He gonna fall for it?

Hey, I think it's sexy, and I know what it is.

Ha ha. [chime]

"On my way."

Oh, yeah, baby!

Bye-bye, Nikki.

[both chuckling]

Damn! Who is that?

That's my arm. You saw me do it!

What is wrong with you?

Lolli, have you heard from your sister?

Since you asked me a half a minute ago, no.

I'm sorry, okay? It's just...

I'm losing my mind.

I mean, what could she be doing?

Stamps, she's a new doctor in a big city hospital.

You know how it is.

Of course! [laughs] It's so obvious!

Yeah, yeah, I watch Grey's Anatomy.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

She's in the E.R., yeah,

saving a pregnant woman w-with a gunshot wound.

Yeah, yeah. And then the baby comes,

and she has to wrap it up, so--so she rips off her scrubs,

And then the doctor, the surgeon that's working with her,

he notices her lusciousness. Mm-hmm, yeah.

The next thing you know, they're in his Ferrari

doin' it to Coldplay.

That's the only explanation that makes sense.

Come on, Stamps!

I meant she's working a lot.

You know what--she not going to do me like that.

Mm-mm. Nobody does Stamps like that.

I'ma call her and tell her

that she can't play a player.

- No, you're not, player! - Give it here! Give it!

- No! No, I'm not gonna give it. - Come on now!

You lost it.

You don't get it back until you calm down.

Ooh. Your phone is surprisingly cold.

[news theme music]

[shivering] This is Travis Fontana,

and they told me to try to interview somebody

out in this blizzard.

Bu-bu-bu-but guess what.

The only person stupid enough to be out here is me.

Ha ha!

I wanted to be a sportscaster. But no!

They said, "Do the weather for a year or two.

Get your feet wet!"

My feet frozen!

I hate my agent. Frank, you fired.

Don't call me no more!

Here you go, ladies.

There you go.

Y'all are from the good Korea, right?

[phone rings] Ooh!

♪ My boobies are ringing ♪

Oh! Hey, Kim!

Ooh! Not y'all. My sister's a Kim too.

Sorry.

Yeah...

Yeah, girl, he's here. Hold on one second.

So when you get this message, Kim, don't call me back.

- Stamps-- - Not that you would,

because you're too busy hooking up with

anyone with a lab coat and Ferrari.

And by the way, Coldplay sucks.

Stamps!

No, I'm moving on. Stamps is out.

Boom! Done.

Feel good. What's up, Lolli?

Kim's on the phone.

She's been in surgery all day,

and that's why she couldn't call you.

Hey, babe, you might get a voicemail

from a dude that soundlike me.

Mm-hmm!

Wait a minute-- Whose ass is on my phone?

Oh, that's not real. That's elbow butt.

Boyce sent it. Everybody's doing it.

[laughs]

Boyce, did you send this to Jameel?

Yeah, I did it.

Because you two belong together,

and he can get you out my house!

Boyce, I'm hiding from Jameel.

- What? - He's crazy.

And not, "Oh, Jameel, you so crazy!" crazy.

No! They-should-make-

an-HBO-documentary-about-himcrazy!

Boyce, you sexted a crazy man?

I didn't know-- Look, everybody calm down.

- Now, come on. - [whimpers]

You don't know him.

Believe me. Nothing can stop Jameel!

But you think that chair can stop Jameel.

Aah! It's Jameel!

Shh!

I shoveled the walk again.

[cheers and applause]

Boyce, why would you invite Jameel here?

Well, I didn't know anything was wrong with him.

She always talked about how they were so happy together.

You did do that.

Well, it's just that

I know you guys look at me and you think,

"She's so fantastic. She has it all together.

Why doesn't she have a man?"

- I never thought that. - No, I've never said

anything like that. Have you? I never--

You know, it was great at the beginning.

Then it just got too intense.

She brought his mother on our second date.

What's wrong with that?

In an urn.

She was dead.

He brought her ashes to the Cheesecake Factory!

All right, everybody we got a psycho on the way,

and he's gonna be able to waltz right in,

'cause your daddy keeps shoveling the walk!

[doorbell rings]

Okay.

No, I'll handle it.

[breathing hard] Okay...

Nikki! Ooh!

Hey, hey!

Hey, Jameel, h-how did you get here so fast?

Oh, I drove straight through, no stops.

I filled up three Gatorade bottles.

With what? Wait--eew!

Yeah.

Hey, come on, baby. Let's go.

You gonna love what did to your place.

W-what did you do to my place?

Oh, I put up a big gate

so nobody'd be able to get out--I mean in.

- Boyce, do something! - All right, all right.

Hey, my man, she's not going anywhere with you, bro.

- Why's that? - Because...

I'm her lover.

I meant I hit him with the shovel.

You? Her lover?

Man, watch out!

You know that she sent me a very sexy picture.

Ha. Oh, really? Does this look familiar?

Oh, man, don't tell me

that I blew by six toll booths

for elbow butt?

Man, what's the matter with you?

Why would you do that?

It had a little more lotion on there earlier, 'cause...

Look, I needed to prove to you that what we here

is real, huh, and that you ain't going

nowhere with my woman.

Your woman? Please!

There's nothing you can say to make me believe that.

I ain't gotta say nothing. I can show you!

Boyce! I wanted you and your cousin

to get along better, but come on!

Cousin? See, I knew it.

Nikki and I are meant to be together forever.

I be the only one she'll ever love.

That is where you're wrong, Jameel.

She will never love you

because it is 2015,brother,

and we don't have to hide our love.

I'm a little confused here.

But that's what I'm talking about.

I know you had them Cheetos.

I don't believe this.

Look, man.

Now, you see, you can't deal with passion like that.

So I think it's time for you to go, brother.

Come on, drive safe.

Aw, man, now I gotta...

I gotta go break this to mother--she in the car.

This gonna kill her.... again!

Oh, man, every time I get a girlfriend,

I always gotta deal with this!

Ahh! Ha ha!

Jameel is gone!

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah, hallelujah!

♪ Hey, ho

♪ Hey, ho

♪ Since I laid my burdens down ♪

- ♪ I feel better - ♪ Glory, glory

- ♪ So much better - ♪ Hallelujah

- ♪ I feel better - ♪ Glory, glory

♪ So much better

[cheers and applause]

[group humming gospel song]

We are here in the home of Pastor Boyce Ballentine

who has opened up his home for all these cold,

desperate people in the middle of the snowstorm,

including myself.

Wouldn't have gave it a second thought.

Winter... winter weather tip--

If your hands get cold, you put 'em in your pants!

- Okay-- - Hey!

Kim, baby, please take me back, please.

I wasn't thinkin' straight.

I've only eaten four croutons and some Tums.

Live from St. Louis, I'm Travis Montana,

signing out.

[choir] ♪ Glory, glory

We'll see y'all at church on Sunday!

♪ Lay my burdens down

♪ Glory

♪ Whoo hoo

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Laid my burdens down

- ♪ Glory, glory - ♪ Glory

♪ Hallelujah

♪ You see me lay my burdens down ♪

- ♪ Glory - ♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Lay my burdens down

♪ Whoo

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah

- ♪ Whoo hoo - ♪ Since I laid

- ♪ Since I laid - ♪ My burdens down

♪ Glory, glory

[soul music]

♪

♪ The soul man

♪ Hey