Original subtitles

- THE SOUL MANIS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

AMEN. NOW, BEFORE I LET YOU GET ON WITH YOUR SUNDAYS,

I HAVE A FEW REMINDERS.

SISTER PEARLY, YOU CAN PUT YOUR CAR KEYS BACK IN YOUR PURSE.

[laughs]

YES, LISTEN, FIRST UP,

THE ANNUAL CHURCH BAKE-OFF IS COMING UP,

AND DUE TO LAST YEAR'S RUM CAKE INCIDENT,

RECIPES MAY NOT INCLUDE ALCOHOL.

BROTHER FRANCIS SENDS HIS REGARDS FROM REHAB.

ALSO, IT IS DIABETES AWARENESS MONTH,

SO MY SISTER-IN-LAW WANTS TO HAND OUT THESE PAMPHLETS

AND TALK TO YOU ABOUT GETTING YOUR SUGAR CHECKED.

DR. KIM, COME ON UP HERE.

SHE MAKES US CALL HER THAT. [laughs]

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S A DOCTOR.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRST MET HER, SHE WAS 16,

ALL BRACES AND KNOBBY KNEES. - [laughs]

- LOT OF TIME FOR STUDYING, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

[laughs]

I'M TEASING, I LOVE HER. DR. KIM.

- THANKS, PASTOR.

NOW, THE BLOOD GLUCOSE TEST IS REALLY QUICK AND EASY.

YOU JUST NEED ONE LITTLE FINGER PRICK TO DRAW SOME BLOOD,

AND--ACTUALLY, WHY DON'T I DEMONSTRATE?

PASTOR. - WHOA.

YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE BLOOD. - YES, YES.

I BELIEVE YOU MENTIONED IT WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND KNOBBY-KNEED.

- WHAT YOU DOING? - [grunts] OKAY.

IT ONLY TAKES A COUPLE SECONDS, AND IT'S ALMOST PAINLESS.

- AH! SWEET JESUS ON A MOUNTAINTOP!

- SEE, NO BIG DEAL?

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SHANKED ME IN MY OWN PULPIT.

[soul music]

♪

♪ THE SOUL MAN

- NO, BABY, I DON'T THINK YOU NEED A TRANSFUSION.

- I DON'T KNOW, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

WE'VE NEVER SEEN A DIPLOMA. WE DON'T KNOW SHE'S A DOCTOR.

- STOP IT.

- JUST WANT Y'ALL TO KNOW,

YOU HAVE PLANS FOR NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT.

- WHAT IS THIS?

"THE LAUGH GALLERY PRESENTS OPEN MIC NIGHT."

DADDY, I'VE SEEN YOU HECKLE COMEDIANS.

IT'S NOT THE FUN SPECTATOR SPORT YOU THINK IT IS.

- ACTUALLY, I'LL BE ON THE OTHER SIDE

OF THE MIC THAT NIGHT.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

POP, YOU'RE DOING STAND-UP COMEDY?

- OF COURSE I AM. I'M A FUNNY MAN.

- IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN

WHEN YOU GOT TO TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE FUNNY.

- SINCE I RETIRED AS A PASTOR, I MISS TALKING TO PEOPLE,

MAKING 'EM THINK, YOU KNOW, HOLDING AN AUDIENCE

IN THE PALM OF MY HAND.

- I DON'T KNOW IF COMEDY IS FOR YOU.

I MEAN, REMEMBER WHEN I WOULD SAY, "KNOCK KNOCK,"

AND YOU WOULD SAY, "GET OFF MY PORCH"?

- LOOK, I'VE BEEN TAKING A STAND-UP COMEDY CLASS

DOWN AT THE SENIOR CENTER.

THIS SHOW IS OUR FINAL EXAM.

I DON'T WATCH TOO MUCH LATE NIGHT TELEVISION,

BUT HERE I COME, JIMMY LETTERMAN.

- OH, AND BY THE WAY, BOYCE,

I HAVE THE RESULTS OF YOUR BLOOD TEST.

YOUR GLUCOSE LEVEL IS A TINY BIT ELEVATED.

- A TINY BIT ELEVATED? OH, LORD!

- NO, NO, NO, IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING.

DID YOU HAVE ANY OF THOSE BEAR CLAWS BEFORE THE SERVICE?

- NO.

I MEAN, I HAD A COUPLE OF DOUGHNUT HOLES,

BUT THEY DON'T COUNT-- THEY WERE HOLES.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP AN EYE ON IT.

THAT'S ALL. - NO, NO, NO.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

IT SAYS, "ONE IN FOUR AFRICAN-AMERICANS

WILL DEVELOP TYPE 2 DIABETES IN HIS LIFETIME."

- ONE IN FOUR? WELL, THERE'S FOUR OF US RIGHT HERE.

- WHY Y'ALL LOOKING AT ME? THEY WERE HOLES.

[grumbling]

- GOOD IDEA, BOYCE.

YOU THROW AWAY ALL THE FOOD, AND I'LL BURN THE MONEY.

- HEY, KIM WAS RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN READING UP ON THIS DIABETES,

AND IF I DON'T CHANGE MY HABITS, I'M GONNA BE IN BIG TROUBLE.

I GOT TO EAT HEALTHIER, SO CARBS, OUT. SUGAR, OUT.

I MIGHT NOT EVEN CALL YOU "HONEY" ANYMORE.

- OKAY, BOYCE, LOOK, I'M GLAD YOU'RE GETTING HEALTHY, RIGHT,

BUT STOP ALL THIS SHENANIGANS IN MY KITCHEN, OKAY?

I'M TRYING TO MAKE MY FAMOUS CHOCOLATE LOLLI-PIES

FOR THE CHURCH BAKE-OFF.

- BABE, CAN'T YOU BAKE SOMETHING HEALTHY?

LOOK, HERE'S A RECIPE FROM GWYNETH PALTROW

WITH A DELICIOUS CAKE,

WITH ALMOND MILK AND FAT-FREE CREAM CHEESE

AND A TOFU-BASED FROSTING.

- BOYCE, THAT RECIPE IS DELICIOUS TO HER,

'CAUSE SHE'S STARVING.

YOU KNOW I ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO THE CHURCH BAKE-OFF.

- NO, YOU LOOK FORWARD TO CRUSHING SISTER PEARLY

AND HER HALF-BAKED CHERRY SQUARES.

- WELL, I'M NOT GONNA LIE. THAT IS A BIG PART OF IT.

- HEY, Y'ALL. - HEY.

- HEY. - BOYCE, YOU READY?

- READY FOR WHAT? - OH, STAMPS IS GONNA HELP ME

BOOST MY METABOLISM WITH EXERCISE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY SHANK-A-PASTOR IS HERE.

- I AM HERE TO HELP LOLLI BAKE HER PIES.

AND YOU KNOW, WHEN WE GET DONE WITH THIS,

I'M GONNA BE ALL COVERED IN CHOCOLATE,

SO WHEN WE GET HOME, WE CAN HOP IN THE SHOWER,

AND YOU CAN HAVE DESSERT.

- [chuckles] OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, BABE,

I'M PRETTY SURE, YOU KNOW, ONCE THE SHOWER GETS GOING,

IT'LL WASH RIGHT OFF. COME ON, BOYCE.

- DID YOU HEAR THAT?

- I WAS TRYING NOT TO.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH STAMPS LATELY.

HE DOESN'T SEEM INTERESTED IN SEX ANYMORE.

- REALLY? SINCE WHEN? - TUESDAY.

- OF THIS WEEK? - YEAH.

- GIRL, THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM, IT'S BRAGGING. CRACK SOME EGGS!

- BRO, LET'S START WITH A WARM-UP.

LOOSEN UP THE SHOULDERS. - OKAY.

- YUP. - YEAH, YEAH,

I CAN DO THIS RIGHT HERE.

"NO, OFFICER, I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING."

HEY, MAN, LOOK, SO WHAT'S UP WITH YOU AND KIM?

I MEAN, SINCE WHEN DO YOU TURN DOWN

A CHOCOLATE-COVERED GIRLFRIEND?

- [sighs] LOOK, BRO, ME AND KIM JUST HAD A PREGNANCY SCARE.

THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A BABY.

I'M AFRAID TO PUT MYSELF IN THAT POSITION AGAIN.

I'M JUST GONNA AVOID IT.

- HOW YOU PLAN ON DOING THAT? - YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT.

I'VE DONE ABOUT 4,000 OF THESE SINCE LAST NIGHT.

COME ON, MAN, KEEP UP. - LOOK, STAMPS,

I'M NOT KILLING MYSELF 'CAUSE YOU NOT GETTING ANY.

MAN, YOU'RE OVERREACTING, OKAY?

LOOK, I GET THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BABY,

BUT TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, YOU NEED INTIMACY.

YOU JUST NEED TO TAKE KIM HOME AND POWER THROUGH IT.

- POWER THROUGH IT? YOU THINK SO?

- ABSOLUTELY. - ALL RIGHT, BRO, HOW YOU DOING?

LET'S PICK UP THE PACE.

- OH, YEAH, YEAH, I JUST NEED A CHALLENGE.

YEAH. YEAH, I FEEL IT, MAN. I FEEL IT.

- SO GOT ANY OLD BUSINESS?

MM.

- SON, WHAT IN GOD'S GOOD NAME ARE YOU DOING UNDER THERE?

- WORKING OUT, DADDY.

JUST BOUGHT MYSELF A BRAND-NEW DESK-R-CYCLE.

- MY MAN IS ON A MISSION.

HE'S EATING BETTER. HIS GLUCOSE HAS LEVELED OFF.

- I GOT TO SAY, I DO FEEL BETTER, YOU KNOW?

I'VE ALREADY LOST 3 POUNDS.

- DID IT ALL COME FROM YOUR BRAIN?

[laughter]

YOU LIKE THAT?

THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.

HERE YOU GO. TWO SHOWS, SATURDAY NIGHT.

- PASTOR, I'M GLAD YOU'RE FINALLY TAKING ADVANTAGE

OF YOUR GOD-GIVEN TALENT.

PUT ME DOWN FOR TWO TICKETS.

UH, I'M GONNA BRING MY COUSIN.

- I GUESS, IF THAT'S THE ONLY DATE YOU CAN GET.

[laughs]

I'M SORRY, LESTER, THAT'S MORE OF A FACT THAN A JOKE.

- LISTEN, CAN WE GET BACK TO CHURCH BUSINESS?

LESTER, WHAT'S ON OUR SOCIAL CALENDAR?

- LET'S SEE, WE GOT THE--

OH, CHURCH'S SPAGHETTI DINNER ON THE 15TH,

THE PANCAKE BREAKFAST THE FOLLOWING SATURDAY,

AND OF COURSE, ALL NEXT WEEK IS OUR BELOVED BAKE-OFF.

- OH! WHERE MY CHERRY DELIGHTS WILL ONCE AGAIN REIGN SUPREME.

HA!

- I DO LOVE YOUR CHERRY DELIGHTS.

AS A CHRISTIAN, I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT.

[laughter]

- OH, AND I LOVE YOUR CHOCOLATE MOUSSE LOLLI-PIES.

DO YOU USE ALL THE PARTS OF THE MOOSE?

- [gasps] NO!

- WHOO! I LOVE SPIRITED COMPETITION.

ONE YEAR, I WENT TO CONEY ISLAND AND ATE 46 HOT DOGS.

YEAH, MY DADDY SAID I SHOULD'VE ENTERED THAT CONTEST.

- LISTEN TO US.

SPAGHETTI, PANCAKES.

HAS ANYONE NOTICED THAT ALL OF OUR CHURCH EVENTS

ARE CENTERED AROUND FOOD?

WE GOT A PROBLEM, PEOPLE.

[knocking at the door]

- HELLO, CUTIE. - HI, PASTOR.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME CANDY BARS?

- WATCH YOURSELF.

- BOYCE!

- WHAT? I TOLD HER TO WATCH HERSELF.

- WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

- WELL, YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE "GOOD NIGHT."

- OH, OKAY.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

- WELL, UM, MAYBE A LITTLE OF THIS.

AND A LITTLE OF THIS.

- OH, I REALLY WANT THIS, BABY.

- WAIT, WHAT?

- WHAT, WHAT?

- UH, NOTHING. NOTHING, NEVER MIND.

LET'S JUST KEEP DOING WHAT WE WERE DOING.

I CAN POWER THROUGH THIS.

- POWER THROUGH THIS?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "POWER THROUGH THIS"?

WHAT AM I, SOME KIND OF 5K RUN?

- NO! NO, NO, NO, NO. I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

I CAN DO IT, I SWEAR.

- GOOD NIGHT, STAMPS.

- YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO TRY--

- I SAID GOOD NIGHT!

- BROTHERS AND SISTERS, WE HAVE TO STOP THIS EPIDEMIC.

WE ARE KILLING OURSELVES.

I HAVE SEEN THE FACE OF EVIL, AND IT'S ALL THINGS WHITE.

- THAT IS NOT NICE.

- NOT YOU, SKIP.

I'M TALKING ABOUT SUGAR, STARCH,

ALL OF OUR UNHEALTHY, FOOD-CENTRIC CHURCH TRADITIONS.

NOW, I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE EXCITED

ABOUT THE UPCOMING BAKE-OFF.

[all cheering]

WELL, I'M CANCELLING IT.

[all booing] NO. NO, NO, HEY, NO.

THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

I NEED YOU TO GET UP AND GET HEALTHY.

YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT. YES, ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, WHERE'S EVERYBODY GOING?

OKAY, BROTHER LESTER, STOP.

DON'T LET THEM PEOPLE LEAVE!

BROTHER NATHAN, STOP BROTHER LESTER, HE JUST LEFT.

STOP THE LADY. GRAB HER! GRAB HER BY HER WEAVE.

OOH, THAT'S JUST COLD RIGHT THERE.

- WHOO!

I'LL TELL YOU, THIS GETTING HEALTHY IS EXHAUSTING.

[chuckles] WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

- WELL, SINCE YOU CALLED OFF MY BAKE-OFF,

I AM FREEZING MY CHOCOLATE LOLLI-PIES.

LIKE MANY THINGS IN THIS HOUSE,

THEY WILL BE COLD AND NOT FOR YOU.

- LOLLI, LISTEN, YOU'RE SO HYPED UP OVER SUGAR,

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

I KNOW WHAT THE CONGREGATION IS SAYING, BOYCE,

AND IT AIN'T PRETTY.

- LET 'EM TALK. LOOK, I KNOW WHAT'S BEST.

NOW, I'M GONNA GO GET SOME REST BEFORE MY 2:00 SPIN CLASS.

- GOOD.

I ALSO RECOMMEND YOU TAKING A SELF-DEFENSE CLASS.

- LOLLI, LOLLI, SO ANGRY, SO FULL OF GLUTEN.

- SISTER LOLLI, I'M HERE TO PICK UP YOUR PIES

FOR THE BAKE-OFF.

- BUT THE BAKE-OFF IS OFF.

- A RAGTAG BAND OF ROGUE CHURCH ELDERS

HAS TAKEN THE BAKE-OFF UNDERGROUND.

THEY HAVE NO RULES.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT, SO I GUESS THEY HAVE ONE RULE.

- LESTER, I CAN'T BE A PART OF SOME UNDERGROUND PIE FIGHT CLUB.

I CAN'T GO AGAINST MY HUSBAND. JUST FORGET IT.

- AHA! JUST AS I THOUGHT.

THERE'S ALWAYS ONE COWARD IN A MUTINY,

AND IT'S USUALLY THE WORST BAKER.

- SISTER PEARLY, I ASKED YOU TO WAIT IN THE CAR.

- AND MAKE SURE YOU DISPOSE OF YOUR PIES PROPERLY.

WE DON'T WANT THAT SEEPING INTO OUR GROUND WATER.

- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S IT. IT'S ON.

PEARLY, YOU CAN EAT MY DUST, OR YOUR CHERRY SQUARES,

'CAUSE THEY BOTH TASTE THE SAME.

NO, NO, NO. - NO, NO, UH-UH.

- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

- IF BY THAT YOU MEAN IS THERE A PLAN AFOOT

TO HOLD THE BAKE-OFF IN SECRET, THEN THE ANSWER IS YES.

- FIRST I'M HEARING OF IT. I AM SHOCKED AND OUTRAGED.

THIS IS WHY I WANTED TO STAY IN THE CAR, LESTER.

- LOLLI, WERE YOU PLANNING ON BETRAYING YOUR PASTOR,

YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR BEST FRIEND?

- A LITTLE BIT.

- I'M SORRY, PASTOR, BUT THERE IS AN UPRISING AFOOT,

AND IT GOES DEEPER THAN THE BAKE-OFF.

MANY PARISHIONERS ARE EVEN CONSIDERING

FINDING A NEW CHURCH HOME.

- A CHURCH'S CHICKEN.

LOOK, I KNOW WHAT'S BEST.

- BOYCE, YOU CAN'T FORCE PEOPLE TO CHANGE.

YOU'RE A PASTOR, NOT A COP.

- I AM LIKE A COP.

I MEAN, I MIGHT NOT HAVE A BADGE

OR A UNIFORM OR LIGHTS ON MY CAR--

YOU KNOW WHAT, I AIN'T NOTHING LIKE A COP.

BUT STILL, MY JOB IS TO SERVE AND PROTECT.

[horns honk, tires screech, and gunshots on TV]

- CIGARS, CIGARETTES, CHERRY DELIGHTS.

- FREEZE! THIS IS A RAID.

- ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE'S HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING, LESTER?

- IT'S JUST BOOZE, BALLENTINE, I SWEAR.

- NAH.

MILK. AND WE ALL KNOW, WHERE THERE'S MILK, THERE'S...

COOKIES!

SO WHAT'S YOUR STORY, OLD MAN?

- GRASSHOPPER WALKS INTO A BAR.

BARTENDER SAYS, "WE HAVE A DRINK NAMED AFTER YOU."

GRASSHOPPER SAYS, "YOU HAVE A DRINK NAMED ALBERT?"

- IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?

- YES. GRASSHOPPERS CAN'T TALK.

- WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT ISN'T BOYCE BALLENTINE.

IF I'D HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE COMING,

I WOULD HAVE BAKED A CAKE.

[gasps] OH, LOOK, A CAKE.

- IF IT ISN'T THE LOVELY LOLLI B.

ALL THIS TIME, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GOOD GIRL.

- YOU KNOW ME. WHEN I'M GOOD, I'M VERY GOOD.

BUT WHEN I'M BAD, I MAKE BATTER.

- LOOK, DOLL-FACE, WE HAD SOMETHING.

NO ONE CAN SAY WE DIDN'T. - [gasps]

- BUT I MUST DO WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE PEOPLE.

KIM, STAMPS, PUT THE BRACELETS ON THESE CAKE-EATERS.

STAMPS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I LIKE CUPCAKES. IS THAT A CRIME?

- I GO FOR COOKIES IN A BIG WAY.

- LOOK, I'M A COP.

IT'S MY JOB TO BUST ILLEGAL SWEET JOINTS LIKE THIS.

- YOUR LAWS ARE THE REASON THESE JOINTS EVEN EXIST!

- IT'S YOUR FAULT. - YOU CREATED US.

- YOU DID IT. - YOU DID IT.

- TAKE A BITE. - NO.

- YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. - I CAN'T.

- DO IT. EAT IT.

- OKAY, MAYBE JUST ONE.

MMM. MMM. MMM! MM-HMM, THAT IS GOOD.

THAT IS DELICIOUS RIGHT THERE.

WHAT AM I TASTING IN THERE? IS THAT--

IT'S, LIKE, A LITTLE NUTMEG OR SOMETHING?

[gasps]

[sighs] HEY, LOLLI!

HEAT ME UP ONE OF THOSE PIES, BABY.

JUST ONE.

- HEY, BABE. - HEY.

I'M JUST GONNA GET READY FOR BED.

- OKAY.

[sighs]

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

- STAMPS, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE EXERCISING LATELY?

I TAKE A SHOWER, YOU START EXERCISING.

I LOTION MY LEGS, YOU START EXERCISING.

LAST NIGHT, I WAS LICKING AN ENVELOPE,

AND YOU STARTED EXERCISING.

- ALL RIGHT, LOOK, JUST STAND OVER THERE,

DON'T LICK ANYTHING, AND I'LL TELL YOU.

- CAN I BRUSH MY TEETH? - NO!

KIM, I-I REALLY WANT YOU, I DO,

BUT WE ALMOST HAD A BABY, AND IT SCARED ME.

- THAT'S WHY YOU'VE BEEN AVOIDING ME?

- I HOPE WE HAVE KIDS ONE DAY, BUT, YOU KNOW,

JUST WHEN WE'RE READY.

- LOOK, STAMPS, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT READY TO BE A DAD.

HEY, I'M NOT READY TO BE A MOM, OKAY?

BUT WE DIDN'T GET PREGNANT, AND I'VE BEEN TAKING PRECAUTIONS.

- IT DOESN'T SCARE YOU? - HELL, YES, IT SCARES ME.

THAT'S WHY I GOT A SHOT, A PILL, A PATCH, AND A SPONGE.

- OH, WELL, UH, YOU WANT TO DO SOME STUFF?

- WELL, MAYBE I'M STILL A LITTLE MAD.

- THAT'S TOO BAD,

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REALIZED IT OR NOT,

BUT I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF SIT-UPS.

- I'M NOT THAT MAD.

[giggles]

- YOU KNOW, BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

I NOW REALIZE THAT IT IS MY JOB TO JUST SHOW YOU THE PATH,

NOT DRAG YOU DOWN IT. all: MM-HMM.

- THAT'S WHY I'M HAPPY TO SAY

THAT THE CHURCH BAKE-OFF IS BACK ON.

[cheers and applause]

- CRANK UP YOUR OVEN, SWEATY CROCKER!

- BRING IT ON, JEZEBEL!

- LADIES, LADIES, LADIES!

THERE WILL BE NO FIGHTING IN MY CHURCH.

SISTER PEARLY, PUT YOUR EARRINGS BACK ON.

THE MESSAGE THAT I WANT YOU TO LEAVE HERE WITH TODAY

IS MODERATION.

IF YOU WANT TO EAT A DOUGHNUT, EAT A DOUGHNUT.

[all agreeing]

ANYTHING IN MODERATION IS FINE.

- HOW ABOUT ICE CREAM, PASTOR?

- IN MODERATION.

- WHAT ABOUT CHOCOLATE BROWNIES?

- OOH, YOU MEAN

THOSE REAL GOOEY KIND THAT MAKE YOUR MOUTH ALL HAPPY?

I PRAYED ON IT, AND THE LORD SAYS YES.

YES, HE DID. YES, HE DID. HE SAID YES.

- OKAY, COMING TO THE STAGE

FOR THE FIRST TIME IS A MAN WHO KNOWS GOD HIMSELF.

- IF THEY'RE SO CLOSE, WHY GOD DIDN'T HAVE TO COME?

- LET'S GIVE A BIG LAUGH GALLERY WELCOME

TO MY MAIN DUDE, "THE FUNNY CURMUDGEON,"

BARTON BALLENTINE!

[cheers and applause]

- KNOCK, KNOCK! all: WHO'S THERE?

- GET OFF OF MY PORCH!

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, THAT'S MY LITTLE BOY'S FAVORITE JOKE.

UNFORTUNATELY, MY LITTLE BOY IS ALMOST 50 YEARS OLD.

NOW, MY OTHER SON, HE'S A SWEET KID, BUT VERY VAIN.

HE DRIVES ALL OVER TOWN IN REVERSE

JUST SO HE HAS AN EXCUSE TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

[laughter]

NOW, I'M GETTING OLD,

BUT FORTUNATELY, THAT HASN'T AFFECTED MY MEMORY.

NOW, MY OTHER SON, HE'S A SWEET KID, BUT VERY VAIN.

[laughter]

[soul music]

♪

- ♪ THE SOUL MAN