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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,519 --> 00:00:03,589 - THE SOUL MANIS RECORDED 2 00:00:03,624 --> 00:00:06,316 IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 3 00:00:06,351 --> 00:00:10,320 AMEN. NOW, BEFORE I LET YOU GET ON WITH YOUR SUNDAYS, 4 00:00:10,355 --> 00:00:12,184 I HAVE A FEW REMINDERS. 5 00:00:12,219 --> 00:00:15,015 SISTER PEARLY, YOU CAN PUT YOUR CAR KEYS BACK IN YOUR PURSE. 6 00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:16,878 [laughs] 7 00:00:16,913 --> 00:00:18,535 YES, LISTEN, FIRST UP, 8 00:00:18,570 --> 00:00:21,228 THE ANNUAL CHURCH BAKE-OFF IS COMING UP, 9 00:00:21,262 --> 00:00:24,024 AND DUE TO LAST YEAR'S RUM CAKE INCIDENT, 10 00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:27,682 RECIPES MAY NOT INCLUDE ALCOHOL. 11 00:00:27,717 --> 00:00:31,479 BROTHER FRANCIS SENDS HIS REGARDS FROM REHAB. 12 00:00:31,514 --> 00:00:34,689 ALSO, IT IS DIABETES AWARENESS MONTH, 13 00:00:34,724 --> 00:00:38,003 SO MY SISTER-IN-LAW WANTS TO HAND OUT THESE PAMPHLETS 14 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,005 AND TALK TO YOU ABOUT GETTING YOUR SUGAR CHECKED. 15 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,696 DR. KIM, COME ON UP HERE. 16 00:00:41,731 --> 00:00:44,458 SHE MAKES US CALL HER THAT. [laughs] 17 00:00:44,492 --> 00:00:46,598 I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S A DOCTOR. 18 00:00:46,632 --> 00:00:49,463 YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRST MET HER, SHE WAS 16, 19 00:00:49,497 --> 00:00:52,224 ALL BRACES AND KNOBBY KNEES. - [laughs] 20 00:00:52,259 --> 00:00:54,468 - LOT OF TIME FOR STUDYING, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 21 00:00:54,502 --> 00:00:55,710 [laughs] 22 00:00:55,745 --> 00:00:58,955 I'M TEASING, I LOVE HER. DR. KIM. 23 00:00:58,989 --> 00:01:01,095 - THANKS, PASTOR. 24 00:01:01,130 --> 00:01:04,857 NOW, THE BLOOD GLUCOSE TEST IS REALLY QUICK AND EASY. 25 00:01:04,892 --> 00:01:07,446 YOU JUST NEED ONE LITTLE FINGER PRICK TO DRAW SOME BLOOD, 26 00:01:07,481 --> 00:01:11,036 AND--ACTUALLY, WHY DON'T I DEMONSTRATE? 27 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,831 PASTOR. - WHOA. 28 00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:15,661 YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE BLOOD. - YES, YES. 29 00:01:15,696 --> 00:01:19,286 I BELIEVE YOU MENTIONED IT WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND KNOBBY-KNEED. 30 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,253 - WHAT YOU DOING? - [grunts] OKAY. 31 00:01:21,288 --> 00:01:24,705 IT ONLY TAKES A COUPLE SECONDS, AND IT'S ALMOST PAINLESS. 32 00:01:24,739 --> 00:01:27,328 - AH! SWEET JESUS ON A MOUNTAINTOP! 33 00:01:27,363 --> 00:01:29,572 - SEE, NO BIG DEAL? 34 00:01:29,606 --> 00:01:34,715 - I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SHANKED ME IN MY OWN PULPIT. 35 00:01:34,749 --> 00:01:37,718 [soul music] 36 00:01:37,752 --> 00:01:45,795 ♪ 37 00:01:47,210 --> 00:01:50,765 ♪ THE SOUL MAN 38 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:55,908 - NO, BABY, I DON'T THINK YOU NEED A TRANSFUSION. 39 00:01:55,943 --> 00:01:57,565 - I DON'T KNOW, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, 40 00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:00,223 WE'VE NEVER SEEN A DIPLOMA. WE DON'T KNOW SHE'S A DOCTOR. 41 00:02:00,258 --> 00:02:03,399 - STOP IT. 42 00:02:03,433 --> 00:02:04,434 - JUST WANT Y'ALL TO KNOW, 43 00:02:04,469 --> 00:02:07,230 YOU HAVE PLANS FOR NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT. 44 00:02:07,265 --> 00:02:08,404 - WHAT IS THIS? 45 00:02:08,438 --> 00:02:11,165 "THE LAUGH GALLERY PRESENTS OPEN MIC NIGHT." 46 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,995 DADDY, I'VE SEEN YOU HECKLE COMEDIANS. 47 00:02:14,030 --> 00:02:18,034 IT'S NOT THE FUN SPECTATOR SPORT YOU THINK IT IS. 48 00:02:18,068 --> 00:02:19,794 - ACTUALLY, I'LL BE ON THE OTHER SIDE 49 00:02:19,829 --> 00:02:20,968 OF THE MIC THAT NIGHT. 50 00:02:21,002 --> 00:02:22,003 - WAIT A MINUTE. 51 00:02:22,038 --> 00:02:23,626 POP, YOU'RE DOING STAND-UP COMEDY? 52 00:02:23,660 --> 00:02:27,250 - OF COURSE I AM. I'M A FUNNY MAN. 53 00:02:27,285 --> 00:02:28,527 - IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN 54 00:02:28,562 --> 00:02:31,254 WHEN YOU GOT TO TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE FUNNY. 55 00:02:31,289 --> 00:02:33,877 - SINCE I RETIRED AS A PASTOR, I MISS TALKING TO PEOPLE, 56 00:02:33,912 --> 00:02:36,259 MAKING 'EM THINK, YOU KNOW, HOLDING AN AUDIENCE 57 00:02:36,294 --> 00:02:37,743 IN THE PALM OF MY HAND. 58 00:02:37,778 --> 00:02:39,538 - I DON'T KNOW IF COMEDY IS FOR YOU. 59 00:02:39,573 --> 00:02:41,782 I MEAN, REMEMBER WHEN I WOULD SAY, "KNOCK KNOCK," 60 00:02:41,816 --> 00:02:44,716 AND YOU WOULD SAY, "GET OFF MY PORCH"? 61 00:02:44,750 --> 00:02:47,167 - LOOK, I'VE BEEN TAKING A STAND-UP COMEDY CLASS 62 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:48,685 DOWN AT THE SENIOR CENTER. 63 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:50,377 THIS SHOW IS OUR FINAL EXAM. 64 00:02:50,411 --> 00:02:52,827 I DON'T WATCH TOO MUCH LATE NIGHT TELEVISION, 65 00:02:52,862 --> 00:02:58,074 BUT HERE I COME, JIMMY LETTERMAN. 66 00:02:58,108 --> 00:02:59,765 - OH, AND BY THE WAY, BOYCE, 67 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,836 I HAVE THE RESULTS OF YOUR BLOOD TEST. 68 00:03:01,871 --> 00:03:04,425 YOUR GLUCOSE LEVEL IS A TINY BIT ELEVATED. 69 00:03:04,460 --> 00:03:06,876 - A TINY BIT ELEVATED? OH, LORD! 70 00:03:06,910 --> 00:03:08,533 - NO, NO, NO, IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING. 71 00:03:08,567 --> 00:03:11,225 DID YOU HAVE ANY OF THOSE BEAR CLAWS BEFORE THE SERVICE? 72 00:03:11,260 --> 00:03:12,985 - NO. 73 00:03:13,020 --> 00:03:15,056 I MEAN, I HAD A COUPLE OF DOUGHNUT HOLES, 74 00:03:15,091 --> 00:03:18,405 BUT THEY DON'T COUNT-- THEY WERE HOLES. 75 00:03:18,439 --> 00:03:20,130 - ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP AN EYE ON IT. 76 00:03:20,165 --> 00:03:21,166 THAT'S ALL. - NO, NO, NO. 77 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,547 LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. 78 00:03:22,581 --> 00:03:25,274 IT SAYS, "ONE IN FOUR AFRICAN-AMERICANS 79 00:03:25,308 --> 00:03:28,449 WILL DEVELOP TYPE 2 DIABETES IN HIS LIFETIME." 80 00:03:28,484 --> 00:03:31,280 - ONE IN FOUR? WELL, THERE'S FOUR OF US RIGHT HERE. 81 00:03:35,111 --> 00:03:39,736 - WHY Y'ALL LOOKING AT ME? THEY WERE HOLES. 82 00:03:41,635 --> 00:03:43,568 [grumbling] 83 00:03:47,019 --> 00:03:49,125 - GOOD IDEA, BOYCE. 84 00:03:49,159 --> 00:03:52,611 YOU THROW AWAY ALL THE FOOD, AND I'LL BURN THE MONEY. 85 00:03:52,646 --> 00:03:54,510 - HEY, KIM WAS RIGHT. 86 00:03:54,544 --> 00:03:56,166 I'VE BEEN READING UP ON THIS DIABETES, 87 00:03:56,201 --> 00:03:58,859 AND IF I DON'T CHANGE MY HABITS, I'M GONNA BE IN BIG TROUBLE. 88 00:03:58,893 --> 00:04:03,898 I GOT TO EAT HEALTHIER, SO CARBS, OUT. SUGAR, OUT. 89 00:04:03,933 --> 00:04:06,936 I MIGHT NOT EVEN CALL YOU "HONEY" ANYMORE. 90 00:04:06,970 --> 00:04:10,008 - OKAY, BOYCE, LOOK, I'M GLAD YOU'RE GETTING HEALTHY, RIGHT, 91 00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:12,735 BUT STOP ALL THIS SHENANIGANS IN MY KITCHEN, OKAY? 92 00:04:12,769 --> 00:04:15,841 I'M TRYING TO MAKE MY FAMOUS CHOCOLATE LOLLI-PIES 93 00:04:15,876 --> 00:04:17,395 FOR THE CHURCH BAKE-OFF. 94 00:04:17,429 --> 00:04:19,155 - BABE, CAN'T YOU BAKE SOMETHING HEALTHY? 95 00:04:19,189 --> 00:04:21,882 LOOK, HERE'S A RECIPE FROM GWYNETH PALTROW 96 00:04:21,916 --> 00:04:23,435 WITH A DELICIOUS CAKE, 97 00:04:23,470 --> 00:04:27,025 WITH ALMOND MILK AND FAT-FREE CREAM CHEESE 98 00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:31,063 AND A TOFU-BASED FROSTING. 99 00:04:31,098 --> 00:04:33,411 - BOYCE, THAT RECIPE IS DELICIOUS TO HER, 100 00:04:33,445 --> 00:04:35,482 'CAUSE SHE'S STARVING. 101 00:04:35,516 --> 00:04:38,830 YOU KNOW I ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO THE CHURCH BAKE-OFF. 102 00:04:38,864 --> 00:04:42,074 - NO, YOU LOOK FORWARD TO CRUSHING SISTER PEARLY 103 00:04:42,109 --> 00:04:44,422 AND HER HALF-BAKED CHERRY SQUARES. 104 00:04:44,456 --> 00:04:48,046 - WELL, I'M NOT GONNA LIE. THAT IS A BIG PART OF IT. 105 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:49,047 - HEY, Y'ALL. - HEY. 106 00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:50,359 - HEY. - BOYCE, YOU READY? 107 00:04:50,393 --> 00:04:52,015 - READY FOR WHAT? - OH, STAMPS IS GONNA HELP ME 108 00:04:52,050 --> 00:04:54,121 BOOST MY METABOLISM WITH EXERCISE. 109 00:04:54,155 --> 00:04:57,158 I DON'T KNOW WHY SHANK-A-PASTOR IS HERE. 110 00:04:57,193 --> 00:05:00,092 - I AM HERE TO HELP LOLLI BAKE HER PIES. 111 00:05:00,127 --> 00:05:01,335 AND YOU KNOW, WHEN WE GET DONE WITH THIS, 112 00:05:01,370 --> 00:05:03,337 I'M GONNA BE ALL COVERED IN CHOCOLATE, 113 00:05:03,372 --> 00:05:06,133 SO WHEN WE GET HOME, WE CAN HOP IN THE SHOWER, 114 00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:08,135 AND YOU CAN HAVE DESSERT. 115 00:05:08,169 --> 00:05:10,724 - [chuckles] OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, BABE, 116 00:05:10,758 --> 00:05:13,520 I'M PRETTY SURE, YOU KNOW, ONCE THE SHOWER GETS GOING, 117 00:05:13,554 --> 00:05:16,212 IT'LL WASH RIGHT OFF. COME ON, BOYCE. 118 00:05:18,248 --> 00:05:19,767 - DID YOU HEAR THAT? 119 00:05:19,802 --> 00:05:22,287 - I WAS TRYING NOT TO. 120 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,738 - I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH STAMPS LATELY. 121 00:05:24,772 --> 00:05:26,705 HE DOESN'T SEEM INTERESTED IN SEX ANYMORE. 122 00:05:26,740 --> 00:05:29,915 - REALLY? SINCE WHEN? - TUESDAY. 123 00:05:29,950 --> 00:05:32,193 - OF THIS WEEK? - YEAH. 124 00:05:32,228 --> 00:05:35,231 - GIRL, THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM, IT'S BRAGGING. CRACK SOME EGGS! 125 00:05:36,991 --> 00:05:38,165 - BRO, LET'S START WITH A WARM-UP. 126 00:05:38,199 --> 00:05:39,891 LOOSEN UP THE SHOULDERS. - OKAY. 127 00:05:39,925 --> 00:05:41,202 - YUP. - YEAH, YEAH, 128 00:05:41,237 --> 00:05:43,412 I CAN DO THIS RIGHT HERE. 129 00:05:43,446 --> 00:05:46,415 "NO, OFFICER, I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING." 130 00:05:47,726 --> 00:05:49,556 HEY, MAN, LOOK, SO WHAT'S UP WITH YOU AND KIM? 131 00:05:49,590 --> 00:05:51,351 I MEAN, SINCE WHEN DO YOU TURN DOWN 132 00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:52,938 A CHOCOLATE-COVERED GIRLFRIEND? 133 00:05:52,973 --> 00:05:56,217 - [sighs] LOOK, BRO, ME AND KIM JUST HAD A PREGNANCY SCARE. 134 00:05:56,252 --> 00:05:57,771 THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A BABY. 135 00:05:57,805 --> 00:06:00,118 I'M AFRAID TO PUT MYSELF IN THAT POSITION AGAIN. 136 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:01,499 I'M JUST GONNA AVOID IT. 137 00:06:01,533 --> 00:06:05,157 - HOW YOU PLAN ON DOING THAT? - YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT. 138 00:06:05,192 --> 00:06:08,298 I'VE DONE ABOUT 4,000 OF THESE SINCE LAST NIGHT. 139 00:06:08,333 --> 00:06:09,886 COME ON, MAN, KEEP UP. - LOOK, STAMPS, 140 00:06:09,921 --> 00:06:12,579 I'M NOT KILLING MYSELF 'CAUSE YOU NOT GETTING ANY. 141 00:06:12,613 --> 00:06:15,340 MAN, YOU'RE OVERREACTING, OKAY? 142 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,653 LOOK, I GET THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BABY, 143 00:06:17,687 --> 00:06:20,621 BUT TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, YOU NEED INTIMACY. 144 00:06:20,656 --> 00:06:24,349 YOU JUST NEED TO TAKE KIM HOME AND POWER THROUGH IT. 145 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,696 - POWER THROUGH IT? YOU THINK SO? 146 00:06:26,731 --> 00:06:28,560 - ABSOLUTELY. - ALL RIGHT, BRO, HOW YOU DOING? 147 00:06:28,595 --> 00:06:29,699 LET'S PICK UP THE PACE. 148 00:06:29,734 --> 00:06:32,530 - OH, YEAH, YEAH, I JUST NEED A CHALLENGE. 149 00:06:32,564 --> 00:06:36,534 YEAH. YEAH, I FEEL IT, MAN. I FEEL IT. 150 00:06:45,957 --> 00:06:50,064 - SO GOT ANY OLD BUSINESS? 151 00:06:51,756 --> 00:06:53,274 MM. 152 00:06:53,309 --> 00:06:56,968 - SON, WHAT IN GOD'S GOOD NAME ARE YOU DOING UNDER THERE? 153 00:06:57,002 --> 00:06:58,314 - WORKING OUT, DADDY. 154 00:06:58,348 --> 00:07:01,006 JUST BOUGHT MYSELF A BRAND-NEW DESK-R-CYCLE. 155 00:07:03,561 --> 00:07:05,355 - MY MAN IS ON A MISSION. 156 00:07:05,390 --> 00:07:08,289 HE'S EATING BETTER. HIS GLUCOSE HAS LEVELED OFF. 157 00:07:08,324 --> 00:07:11,431 - I GOT TO SAY, I DO FEEL BETTER, YOU KNOW? 158 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:13,122 I'VE ALREADY LOST 3 POUNDS. 159 00:07:13,156 --> 00:07:14,986 - DID IT ALL COME FROM YOUR BRAIN? 160 00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:17,264 [laughter] 161 00:07:17,298 --> 00:07:19,231 YOU LIKE THAT? 162 00:07:19,266 --> 00:07:20,750 THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG. 163 00:07:20,785 --> 00:07:24,582 HERE YOU GO. TWO SHOWS, SATURDAY NIGHT. 164 00:07:24,616 --> 00:07:26,860 - PASTOR, I'M GLAD YOU'RE FINALLY TAKING ADVANTAGE 165 00:07:26,894 --> 00:07:28,689 OF YOUR GOD-GIVEN TALENT. 166 00:07:28,724 --> 00:07:29,828 PUT ME DOWN FOR TWO TICKETS. 167 00:07:29,863 --> 00:07:32,590 UH, I'M GONNA BRING MY COUSIN. 168 00:07:32,624 --> 00:07:35,662 - I GUESS, IF THAT'S THE ONLY DATE YOU CAN GET. 169 00:07:35,696 --> 00:07:38,388 [laughs] 170 00:07:38,423 --> 00:07:41,495 I'M SORRY, LESTER, THAT'S MORE OF A FACT THAN A JOKE. 171 00:07:41,530 --> 00:07:44,947 - LISTEN, CAN WE GET BACK TO CHURCH BUSINESS? 172 00:07:44,981 --> 00:07:46,845 LESTER, WHAT'S ON OUR SOCIAL CALENDAR? 173 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:48,847 - LET'S SEE, WE GOT THE-- 174 00:07:48,882 --> 00:07:51,194 OH, CHURCH'S SPAGHETTI DINNER ON THE 15TH, 175 00:07:51,229 --> 00:07:54,025 THE PANCAKE BREAKFAST THE FOLLOWING SATURDAY, 176 00:07:54,059 --> 00:07:57,891 AND OF COURSE, ALL NEXT WEEK IS OUR BELOVED BAKE-OFF. 177 00:07:57,925 --> 00:08:02,861 - OH! WHERE MY CHERRY DELIGHTS WILL ONCE AGAIN REIGN SUPREME. 178 00:08:02,896 --> 00:08:04,069 HA! 179 00:08:04,104 --> 00:08:06,658 - I DO LOVE YOUR CHERRY DELIGHTS. 180 00:08:06,693 --> 00:08:09,074 AS A CHRISTIAN, I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT. 181 00:08:09,109 --> 00:08:11,456 [laughter] 182 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:15,184 - OH, AND I LOVE YOUR CHOCOLATE MOUSSE LOLLI-PIES. 183 00:08:15,218 --> 00:08:18,774 DO YOU USE ALL THE PARTS OF THE MOOSE? 184 00:08:18,808 --> 00:08:20,983 - [gasps] NO! 185 00:08:21,017 --> 00:08:23,917 - WHOO! I LOVE SPIRITED COMPETITION. 186 00:08:23,951 --> 00:08:28,024 ONE YEAR, I WENT TO CONEY ISLAND AND ATE 46 HOT DOGS. 187 00:08:28,059 --> 00:08:31,234 YEAH, MY DADDY SAID I SHOULD'VE ENTERED THAT CONTEST. 188 00:08:31,269 --> 00:08:33,858 - LISTEN TO US. 189 00:08:33,892 --> 00:08:37,413 SPAGHETTI, PANCAKES. 190 00:08:37,447 --> 00:08:40,554 HAS ANYONE NOTICED THAT ALL OF OUR CHURCH EVENTS 191 00:08:40,589 --> 00:08:42,660 ARE CENTERED AROUND FOOD? 192 00:08:42,694 --> 00:08:44,282 WE GOT A PROBLEM, PEOPLE. 193 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:47,319 [knocking at the door] 194 00:08:49,736 --> 00:08:51,392 - HELLO, CUTIE. - HI, PASTOR. 195 00:08:51,427 --> 00:08:53,118 WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME CANDY BARS? 196 00:08:53,153 --> 00:08:55,120 - WATCH YOURSELF. 197 00:08:56,466 --> 00:08:57,537 - BOYCE! 198 00:08:57,571 --> 00:09:00,194 - WHAT? I TOLD HER TO WATCH HERSELF. 199 00:09:16,832 --> 00:09:19,317 - WELL, GOOD NIGHT. 200 00:09:20,836 --> 00:09:24,425 - WELL, YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE "GOOD NIGHT." 201 00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:28,050 - OH, OKAY. 202 00:09:28,084 --> 00:09:31,916 WELL, WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND? 203 00:09:31,950 --> 00:09:36,783 - WELL, UM, MAYBE A LITTLE OF THIS. 204 00:09:38,854 --> 00:09:40,580 AND A LITTLE OF THIS. 205 00:09:42,443 --> 00:09:44,825 - OH, I REALLY WANT THIS, BABY. 206 00:09:44,860 --> 00:09:46,758 - WAIT, WHAT? 207 00:09:46,793 --> 00:09:48,070 - WHAT, WHAT? 208 00:09:48,104 --> 00:09:51,038 - UH, NOTHING. NOTHING, NEVER MIND. 209 00:09:51,073 --> 00:09:52,661 LET'S JUST KEEP DOING WHAT WE WERE DOING. 210 00:09:52,695 --> 00:09:54,110 I CAN POWER THROUGH THIS. 211 00:09:54,145 --> 00:09:55,974 - POWER THROUGH THIS? 212 00:09:56,009 --> 00:09:57,873 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "POWER THROUGH THIS"? 213 00:09:57,907 --> 00:10:00,013 WHAT AM I, SOME KIND OF 5K RUN? 214 00:10:00,047 --> 00:10:02,947 - NO! NO, NO, NO, NO. I DIDN'T MEAN IT. 215 00:10:02,981 --> 00:10:04,638 I CAN DO IT, I SWEAR. 216 00:10:04,673 --> 00:10:06,502 - GOOD NIGHT, STAMPS. 217 00:10:09,712 --> 00:10:10,817 - YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO TRY-- 218 00:10:10,851 --> 00:10:13,716 - I SAID GOOD NIGHT! 219 00:10:15,994 --> 00:10:19,480 - BROTHERS AND SISTERS, WE HAVE TO STOP THIS EPIDEMIC. 220 00:10:19,515 --> 00:10:22,035 WE ARE KILLING OURSELVES. 221 00:10:22,069 --> 00:10:27,212 I HAVE SEEN THE FACE OF EVIL, AND IT'S ALL THINGS WHITE. 222 00:10:27,247 --> 00:10:28,869 - THAT IS NOT NICE. 223 00:10:28,904 --> 00:10:31,389 - NOT YOU, SKIP. 224 00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:33,771 I'M TALKING ABOUT SUGAR, STARCH, 225 00:10:33,805 --> 00:10:37,671 ALL OF OUR UNHEALTHY, FOOD-CENTRIC CHURCH TRADITIONS. 226 00:10:37,706 --> 00:10:39,915 NOW, I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE EXCITED 227 00:10:39,949 --> 00:10:41,330 ABOUT THE UPCOMING BAKE-OFF. 228 00:10:41,364 --> 00:10:43,573 [all cheering] 229 00:10:43,608 --> 00:10:45,645 WELL, I'M CANCELLING IT. 230 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,957 [all booing] NO. NO, NO, HEY, NO. 231 00:10:47,992 --> 00:10:50,995 THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. 232 00:10:51,029 --> 00:10:53,445 I NEED YOU TO GET UP AND GET HEALTHY. 233 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,517 YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT. YES, ALL RIGHT. 234 00:10:56,552 --> 00:10:58,105 OKAY, WHERE'S EVERYBODY GOING? 235 00:10:58,140 --> 00:10:59,969 OKAY, BROTHER LESTER, STOP. 236 00:11:00,004 --> 00:11:01,281 DON'T LET THEM PEOPLE LEAVE! 237 00:11:01,315 --> 00:11:04,077 BROTHER NATHAN, STOP BROTHER LESTER, HE JUST LEFT. 238 00:11:04,111 --> 00:11:06,389 STOP THE LADY. GRAB HER! GRAB HER BY HER WEAVE. 239 00:11:06,424 --> 00:11:09,254 OOH, THAT'S JUST COLD RIGHT THERE. 240 00:11:11,601 --> 00:11:13,707 - WHOO! 241 00:11:13,742 --> 00:11:16,537 I'LL TELL YOU, THIS GETTING HEALTHY IS EXHAUSTING. 242 00:11:16,572 --> 00:11:18,263 [chuckles] WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? 243 00:11:18,298 --> 00:11:21,439 - WELL, SINCE YOU CALLED OFF MY BAKE-OFF, 244 00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,579 I AM FREEZING MY CHOCOLATE LOLLI-PIES. 245 00:11:23,613 --> 00:11:25,132 LIKE MANY THINGS IN THIS HOUSE, 246 00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:28,791 THEY WILL BE COLD AND NOT FOR YOU. 247 00:11:28,826 --> 00:11:30,759 - LOLLI, LISTEN, YOU'RE SO HYPED UP OVER SUGAR, 248 00:11:30,793 --> 00:11:32,864 YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. 249 00:11:32,899 --> 00:11:34,866 I KNOW WHAT THE CONGREGATION IS SAYING, BOYCE, 250 00:11:34,901 --> 00:11:36,109 AND IT AIN'T PRETTY. 251 00:11:36,143 --> 00:11:38,421 - LET 'EM TALK. LOOK, I KNOW WHAT'S BEST. 252 00:11:38,456 --> 00:11:41,424 NOW, I'M GONNA GO GET SOME REST BEFORE MY 2:00 SPIN CLASS. 253 00:11:41,459 --> 00:11:42,771 - GOOD. 254 00:11:42,805 --> 00:11:45,912 I ALSO RECOMMEND YOU TAKING A SELF-DEFENSE CLASS. 255 00:11:45,946 --> 00:11:51,641 - LOLLI, LOLLI, SO ANGRY, SO FULL OF GLUTEN. 256 00:11:56,405 --> 00:11:59,097 - SISTER LOLLI, I'M HERE TO PICK UP YOUR PIES 257 00:11:59,132 --> 00:12:00,098 FOR THE BAKE-OFF. 258 00:12:00,133 --> 00:12:01,375 - BUT THE BAKE-OFF IS OFF. 259 00:12:01,410 --> 00:12:04,724 - A RAGTAG BAND OF ROGUE CHURCH ELDERS 260 00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:06,656 HAS TAKEN THE BAKE-OFF UNDERGROUND. 261 00:12:06,691 --> 00:12:08,348 THEY HAVE NO RULES. 262 00:12:08,382 --> 00:12:09,798 I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT IT. 263 00:12:09,832 --> 00:12:11,972 ALL RIGHT, SO I GUESS THEY HAVE ONE RULE. 264 00:12:12,007 --> 00:12:17,322 - LESTER, I CAN'T BE A PART OF SOME UNDERGROUND PIE FIGHT CLUB. 265 00:12:17,357 --> 00:12:19,911 I CAN'T GO AGAINST MY HUSBAND. JUST FORGET IT. 266 00:12:19,946 --> 00:12:22,949 - AHA! JUST AS I THOUGHT. 267 00:12:22,983 --> 00:12:25,434 THERE'S ALWAYS ONE COWARD IN A MUTINY, 268 00:12:25,468 --> 00:12:29,610 AND IT'S USUALLY THE WORST BAKER. 269 00:12:29,645 --> 00:12:33,097 - SISTER PEARLY, I ASKED YOU TO WAIT IN THE CAR. 270 00:12:33,131 --> 00:12:35,582 - AND MAKE SURE YOU DISPOSE OF YOUR PIES PROPERLY. 271 00:12:35,616 --> 00:12:39,310 WE DON'T WANT THAT SEEPING INTO OUR GROUND WATER. 272 00:12:39,344 --> 00:12:42,900 - OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S IT. IT'S ON. 273 00:12:42,934 --> 00:12:46,696 PEARLY, YOU CAN EAT MY DUST, OR YOUR CHERRY SQUARES, 274 00:12:46,731 --> 00:12:48,940 'CAUSE THEY BOTH TASTE THE SAME. 275 00:12:48,975 --> 00:12:50,493 NO, NO, NO. - NO, NO, UH-UH. 276 00:12:50,528 --> 00:12:52,081 - WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? 277 00:12:52,116 --> 00:12:54,221 - IF BY THAT YOU MEAN IS THERE A PLAN AFOOT 278 00:12:54,256 --> 00:12:57,915 TO HOLD THE BAKE-OFF IN SECRET, THEN THE ANSWER IS YES. 279 00:12:57,949 --> 00:13:01,919 - FIRST I'M HEARING OF IT. I AM SHOCKED AND OUTRAGED. 280 00:13:01,953 --> 00:13:05,957 THIS IS WHY I WANTED TO STAY IN THE CAR, LESTER. 281 00:13:08,304 --> 00:13:11,756 - LOLLI, WERE YOU PLANNING ON BETRAYING YOUR PASTOR, 282 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,517 YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR BEST FRIEND? 283 00:13:14,552 --> 00:13:17,693 - A LITTLE BIT. 284 00:13:17,727 --> 00:13:20,351 - I'M SORRY, PASTOR, BUT THERE IS AN UPRISING AFOOT, 285 00:13:20,385 --> 00:13:22,387 AND IT GOES DEEPER THAN THE BAKE-OFF. 286 00:13:22,422 --> 00:13:24,217 MANY PARISHIONERS ARE EVEN CONSIDERING 287 00:13:24,251 --> 00:13:25,943 FINDING A NEW CHURCH HOME. 288 00:13:25,977 --> 00:13:28,255 - A CHURCH'S CHICKEN. 289 00:13:28,290 --> 00:13:30,775 LOOK, I KNOW WHAT'S BEST. 290 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:34,848 - BOYCE, YOU CAN'T FORCE PEOPLE TO CHANGE. 291 00:13:34,883 --> 00:13:37,126 YOU'RE A PASTOR, NOT A COP. 292 00:13:37,161 --> 00:13:38,818 - I AM LIKE A COP. 293 00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:40,681 I MEAN, I MIGHT NOT HAVE A BADGE 294 00:13:40,716 --> 00:13:43,512 OR A UNIFORM OR LIGHTS ON MY CAR-- 295 00:13:43,546 --> 00:13:45,963 YOU KNOW WHAT, I AIN'T NOTHING LIKE A COP. 296 00:13:45,997 --> 00:13:50,208 BUT STILL, MY JOB IS TO SERVE AND PROTECT. 297 00:13:54,419 --> 00:13:58,044 [horns honk, tires screech, and gunshots on TV] 298 00:14:07,605 --> 00:14:13,059 - CIGARS, CIGARETTES, CHERRY DELIGHTS. 299 00:14:14,336 --> 00:14:16,545 - FREEZE! THIS IS A RAID. 300 00:14:18,202 --> 00:14:21,653 - ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE'S HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM. 301 00:14:21,688 --> 00:14:24,622 SO WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING, LESTER? 302 00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:27,349 - IT'S JUST BOOZE, BALLENTINE, I SWEAR. 303 00:14:27,383 --> 00:14:29,144 - NAH. 304 00:14:29,178 --> 00:14:33,113 MILK. AND WE ALL KNOW, WHERE THERE'S MILK, THERE'S... 305 00:14:33,148 --> 00:14:35,322 COOKIES! 306 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,708 SO WHAT'S YOUR STORY, OLD MAN? 307 00:14:41,742 --> 00:14:44,159 - GRASSHOPPER WALKS INTO A BAR. 308 00:14:44,193 --> 00:14:46,678 BARTENDER SAYS, "WE HAVE A DRINK NAMED AFTER YOU." 309 00:14:46,713 --> 00:14:50,855 GRASSHOPPER SAYS, "YOU HAVE A DRINK NAMED ALBERT?" 310 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,753 - IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY? 311 00:14:52,788 --> 00:14:56,033 - YES. GRASSHOPPERS CAN'T TALK. 312 00:14:59,864 --> 00:15:04,662 - WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT ISN'T BOYCE BALLENTINE. 313 00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,250 IF I'D HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE COMING, 314 00:15:06,284 --> 00:15:07,872 I WOULD HAVE BAKED A CAKE. 315 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:11,117 [gasps] OH, LOOK, A CAKE. 316 00:15:11,151 --> 00:15:13,602 - IF IT ISN'T THE LOVELY LOLLI B. 317 00:15:13,636 --> 00:15:15,845 ALL THIS TIME, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GOOD GIRL. 318 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,710 - YOU KNOW ME. WHEN I'M GOOD, I'M VERY GOOD. 319 00:15:18,745 --> 00:15:21,921 BUT WHEN I'M BAD, I MAKE BATTER. 320 00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:25,338 - LOOK, DOLL-FACE, WE HAD SOMETHING. 321 00:15:25,372 --> 00:15:27,409 NO ONE CAN SAY WE DIDN'T. - [gasps] 322 00:15:27,443 --> 00:15:29,721 - BUT I MUST DO WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE PEOPLE. 323 00:15:29,756 --> 00:15:34,934 KIM, STAMPS, PUT THE BRACELETS ON THESE CAKE-EATERS. 324 00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:36,487 STAMPS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 325 00:15:36,521 --> 00:15:37,902 - I LIKE CUPCAKES. IS THAT A CRIME? 326 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,801 - I GO FOR COOKIES IN A BIG WAY. 327 00:15:40,836 --> 00:15:42,527 - LOOK, I'M A COP. 328 00:15:42,562 --> 00:15:45,254 IT'S MY JOB TO BUST ILLEGAL SWEET JOINTS LIKE THIS. 329 00:15:45,289 --> 00:15:47,947 - YOUR LAWS ARE THE REASON THESE JOINTS EVEN EXIST! 330 00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,672 - IT'S YOUR FAULT. - YOU CREATED US. 331 00:15:49,707 --> 00:15:50,950 - YOU DID IT. - YOU DID IT. 332 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,675 - TAKE A BITE. - NO. 333 00:15:52,710 --> 00:15:53,987 - YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. - I CAN'T. 334 00:15:54,022 --> 00:15:55,816 - DO IT. EAT IT. 335 00:15:55,851 --> 00:15:57,715 - OKAY, MAYBE JUST ONE. 336 00:15:57,749 --> 00:16:03,169 MMM. MMM. MMM! MM-HMM, THAT IS GOOD. 337 00:16:03,203 --> 00:16:05,999 THAT IS DELICIOUS RIGHT THERE. 338 00:16:06,034 --> 00:16:09,727 WHAT AM I TASTING IN THERE? IS THAT-- 339 00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:12,661 IT'S, LIKE, A LITTLE NUTMEG OR SOMETHING? 340 00:16:14,870 --> 00:16:17,873 [gasps] 341 00:16:19,599 --> 00:16:22,326 [sighs] HEY, LOLLI! 342 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,328 HEAT ME UP ONE OF THOSE PIES, BABY. 343 00:16:24,362 --> 00:16:26,882 JUST ONE. 344 00:16:28,090 --> 00:16:30,265 - HEY, BABE. - HEY. 345 00:16:30,299 --> 00:16:31,921 I'M JUST GONNA GET READY FOR BED. 346 00:16:31,956 --> 00:16:33,544 - OKAY. 347 00:16:33,578 --> 00:16:36,547 [sighs] 348 00:16:38,928 --> 00:16:41,931 OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! 349 00:16:46,281 --> 00:16:49,180 - STAMPS, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE EXERCISING LATELY? 350 00:16:49,215 --> 00:16:51,424 I TAKE A SHOWER, YOU START EXERCISING. 351 00:16:51,458 --> 00:16:54,013 I LOTION MY LEGS, YOU START EXERCISING. 352 00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:55,462 LAST NIGHT, I WAS LICKING AN ENVELOPE, 353 00:16:55,497 --> 00:16:57,016 AND YOU STARTED EXERCISING. 354 00:16:57,050 --> 00:17:00,881 - ALL RIGHT, LOOK, JUST STAND OVER THERE, 355 00:17:00,916 --> 00:17:04,471 DON'T LICK ANYTHING, AND I'LL TELL YOU. 356 00:17:04,506 --> 00:17:06,128 - CAN I BRUSH MY TEETH? - NO! 357 00:17:06,163 --> 00:17:10,408 KIM, I-I REALLY WANT YOU, I DO, 358 00:17:10,443 --> 00:17:13,273 BUT WE ALMOST HAD A BABY, AND IT SCARED ME. 359 00:17:13,308 --> 00:17:14,792 - THAT'S WHY YOU'VE BEEN AVOIDING ME? 360 00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:17,139 - I HOPE WE HAVE KIDS ONE DAY, BUT, YOU KNOW, 361 00:17:17,174 --> 00:17:18,658 JUST WHEN WE'RE READY. 362 00:17:18,692 --> 00:17:21,454 - LOOK, STAMPS, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT READY TO BE A DAD. 363 00:17:21,488 --> 00:17:25,009 HEY, I'M NOT READY TO BE A MOM, OKAY? 364 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,736 BUT WE DIDN'T GET PREGNANT, AND I'VE BEEN TAKING PRECAUTIONS. 365 00:17:27,770 --> 00:17:29,979 - IT DOESN'T SCARE YOU? - HELL, YES, IT SCARES ME. 366 00:17:30,014 --> 00:17:33,190 THAT'S WHY I GOT A SHOT, A PILL, A PATCH, AND A SPONGE. 367 00:17:33,224 --> 00:17:36,676 - OH, WELL, UH, YOU WANT TO DO SOME STUFF? 368 00:17:36,710 --> 00:17:38,609 - WELL, MAYBE I'M STILL A LITTLE MAD. 369 00:17:38,643 --> 00:17:40,162 - THAT'S TOO BAD, 370 00:17:40,197 --> 00:17:41,405 BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REALIZED IT OR NOT, 371 00:17:41,439 --> 00:17:44,684 BUT I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF SIT-UPS. 372 00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:49,378 - I'M NOT THAT MAD. 373 00:17:49,413 --> 00:17:52,036 [giggles] 374 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,417 - YOU KNOW, BROTHERS AND SISTERS, 375 00:17:53,451 --> 00:17:58,939 I NOW REALIZE THAT IT IS MY JOB TO JUST SHOW YOU THE PATH, 376 00:17:58,974 --> 00:18:02,081 NOT DRAG YOU DOWN IT. all: MM-HMM. 377 00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:03,772 - THAT'S WHY I'M HAPPY TO SAY 378 00:18:03,806 --> 00:18:05,774 THAT THE CHURCH BAKE-OFF IS BACK ON. 379 00:18:05,808 --> 00:18:09,536 [cheers and applause] 380 00:18:09,571 --> 00:18:12,643 - CRANK UP YOUR OVEN, SWEATY CROCKER! 381 00:18:12,677 --> 00:18:15,232 - BRING IT ON, JEZEBEL! 382 00:18:15,266 --> 00:18:17,268 - LADIES, LADIES, LADIES! 383 00:18:17,303 --> 00:18:19,028 THERE WILL BE NO FIGHTING IN MY CHURCH. 384 00:18:19,063 --> 00:18:23,654 SISTER PEARLY, PUT YOUR EARRINGS BACK ON. 385 00:18:23,688 --> 00:18:26,450 THE MESSAGE THAT I WANT YOU TO LEAVE HERE WITH TODAY 386 00:18:26,484 --> 00:18:27,934 IS MODERATION. 387 00:18:27,968 --> 00:18:30,488 IF YOU WANT TO EAT A DOUGHNUT, EAT A DOUGHNUT. 388 00:18:30,523 --> 00:18:31,524 [all agreeing] 389 00:18:31,558 --> 00:18:34,043 ANYTHING IN MODERATION IS FINE. 390 00:18:34,078 --> 00:18:35,355 - HOW ABOUT ICE CREAM, PASTOR? 391 00:18:35,390 --> 00:18:38,117 - IN MODERATION. 392 00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,395 - WHAT ABOUT CHOCOLATE BROWNIES? 393 00:18:40,429 --> 00:18:41,706 - OOH, YOU MEAN 394 00:18:41,741 --> 00:18:46,711 THOSE REAL GOOEY KIND THAT MAKE YOUR MOUTH ALL HAPPY? 395 00:18:46,746 --> 00:18:50,819 I PRAYED ON IT, AND THE LORD SAYS YES. 396 00:18:50,853 --> 00:18:53,132 YES, HE DID. YES, HE DID. HE SAID YES. 397 00:18:55,030 --> 00:18:56,997 - OKAY, COMING TO THE STAGE 398 00:18:57,032 --> 00:18:59,828 FOR THE FIRST TIME IS A MAN WHO KNOWS GOD HIMSELF. 399 00:18:59,862 --> 00:19:04,212 - IF THEY'RE SO CLOSE, WHY GOD DIDN'T HAVE TO COME? 400 00:19:04,246 --> 00:19:06,421 - LET'S GIVE A BIG LAUGH GALLERY WELCOME 401 00:19:06,455 --> 00:19:09,182 TO MY MAIN DUDE, "THE FUNNY CURMUDGEON," 402 00:19:09,217 --> 00:19:10,908 BARTON BALLENTINE! 403 00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:15,844 [cheers and applause] 404 00:19:17,742 --> 00:19:20,193 - KNOCK, KNOCK! all: WHO'S THERE? 405 00:19:20,228 --> 00:19:21,988 - GET OFF OF MY PORCH! 406 00:19:22,022 --> 00:19:24,922 [laughter] 407 00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:27,062 YOU KNOW, THAT'S MY LITTLE BOY'S FAVORITE JOKE. 408 00:19:27,096 --> 00:19:31,170 UNFORTUNATELY, MY LITTLE BOY IS ALMOST 50 YEARS OLD. 409 00:19:34,380 --> 00:19:38,280 NOW, MY OTHER SON, HE'S A SWEET KID, BUT VERY VAIN. 410 00:19:38,315 --> 00:19:40,317 HE DRIVES ALL OVER TOWN IN REVERSE 411 00:19:40,351 --> 00:19:42,491 JUST SO HE HAS AN EXCUSE TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR. 412 00:19:42,526 --> 00:19:45,184 [laughter] 413 00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:46,909 NOW, I'M GETTING OLD, 414 00:19:46,944 --> 00:19:52,674 BUT FORTUNATELY, THAT HASN'T AFFECTED MY MEMORY. 415 00:19:52,708 --> 00:19:56,678 NOW, MY OTHER SON, HE'S A SWEET KID, BUT VERY VAIN. 416 00:19:56,712 --> 00:19:58,231 [laughter] 417 00:20:02,925 --> 00:20:05,894 [soul music] 418 00:20:05,928 --> 00:20:13,936 ♪ 419 00:20:21,979 --> 00:20:24,913 - ♪ THE SOUL MAN 31517

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