Original subtitles

- THE SOUL MANIS RECORDED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

- BOYCE, THAT WAS SO HOT.

- OH, BABY, THAT WAS SOHOT.

MM. - I SMELL SMOKE.

- NOW, WE WEREN'T THAT HOT.

[smoke detector beeping loudly] - OH, LORD, WE ON FIRE!

- OKAY, DON'T PANIC. IT MIGHT JUST BE A FALSE ALARM.

NOW, COME ON. - OH.

- OH, MY BAD! PANIC! PANIC!

[telephone ringing] OH!

HELLO?

BABE, IT'S THE ALARM COMPANY. WHAT'S THE PASS CODE?

- IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY.

- [stammers] HELP ME OUT, LOLLI!

- 7-21!

- 7-21.

YES, THERE IS A FIRE.

OKAY, THANK YOU.

- I'LL SAVE OUR VALUABLES.

- WIGS? THAT'S WHAT YOU CONSIDER VALUABLE?

- BOYCE, THESE WIGS COST WAY MORE THAN I TOLD YOU THEY DID.

OOH, MY DOWNSTAIRS WIGS! COME ON!

[beeping continues]

[gasps] [alarm clatters]

- OKAY, WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?

- OH, HI, YOU TWO. - HEY, IT'S PAUL AND ROBYN...

YOUR OLD NEIGHBORS FROM VEGAS!

- WHY COULDN'T OUR HOUSE JUST BE ON FIRE?

[soul music]

♪

- ♪ THE SOUL MAN

- MA'AM,

I THOUGHT I WAS SAVING A CAT FROM A TREE,

BUT I BELIEVE THESE ARE YOURS.

- HEY, UH, LISTEN...

IF I SET THEM ON FIRE,

COULD YOU MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A ACCIDENT?

- [laughs]

YOU FOLKS HAVE A GOOD EVENING.

- MMM, MMM, MMM!

FIREMEN GET ME GOING,

ESPECIALLY THAT HUNKY MR. SEPTEMBER.

I'D SLIDE DOWN HIS FIRE POLE ANYTIME.

- I'M NOT EVEN JEALOUS. HE REALLY IS A DREAMBOAT.

- HERE'S A QUESTION-- WHY ARE YOU GUYS HERE?

- WELL, WE DO HAVE A FAVOR TO ASK OF YOU TWO.

IT'S NOT VERY BIG. - IT'S REALLY QUITE SMALL.

- IN FACT, IT'S NOT MUCH OF A FAVOR AT ALL.

- BOYCE, I THINK DR. AND MRS. SEUSS

WANT TO ASK US SOMETHING.

- OF COURSE THEY DO, BABE. THEY ALWAYS WANT SOMETHING.

FIRST IT'S MARRIAGE ADVICE,

THEN IT'S TO BE THE GODPARENTS TO THEIR LITTLE ASIAN BOY.

NO, AND FORGET ABOUT THE TIME THEY CLAIMED US ON THEIR TAXES.

- OH, IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT.

I JUST NEED YOUR KIDNEY.

- YOU WANT MY KIDNEY?

- I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

- W-WHOA. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- WHAT? PAUL, YOU HAVE KIDNEY DISEASE?

- WELL, I WON'T AS SOON AS MY BEST BUDDY

GIVES ME HIS KIDNEY.

[laughs] OKAY. GIVE ME IT.

AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW YOU ARE A MATCH.

- HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?

- REMEMBER THAT POOL PARTY WE HAD

WHEN YOU THOUGHT SOMEBODY ROOFIED YOU?

- SO YOU DRUGGED ME, STOLE MY BLOOD,

AND NOW YOU EXPECT ME TO GIVE YOU A KIDNEY?

- YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT?

IF MY HUSBAND IS GOING TO TURN OVER

HIS ORGANS TO ANYBODY...

[chuckles] IT'S GONNA BE ME.

- NO, HONEY. YOU'RE NOT A MATCH.

- DING! - OH.

- EVERYBODY, SAMBA! - OH!

both: YEAH!

- YOU STOLE MY BLOOD TOO?

NOW I'M REALLY MAD.

- AND A TAD ANEMIC, ACCORDING TO THE LAB.

- [gasps] - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

- I INHERITED BAD KIDNEYS FROM MY DAD.

AND IF I'M GONNA GET A KIDNEY,

IT SHOULD BE FROM FAMILY, YOU KNOW?

both: WE ARE NOT RELATED TO Y'ALL!

- I CAN'T.

- PAUL, I MEAN, I FEEL BAD FOR YOU AND EVERYTHING,

BUT GIVING UP A KIDNEY-- IT'S JUST SOMETHING I CAN'T DO.

I'M SORRY.

- I UNDERSTAND.

[clears throat] YOU GOT TO DO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO.

- YEAH.

- CAN WE AT LEAST PARK OUR R.V. IN YOUR DRIVEWAY?

IT SURE WOULD BE NICE TO REST UP

BEFORE WE HIT THE BACK ROADS

LOOKING FOR HITCHHIKERS THAT WON'T BE MISSED.

[chuckles]

- [laughs] HE'S KIDDING.

ALL THE GOOD KIDNEYS ARE ON THE INTERSTATE.

[both laughing]

- I'M NOT SAYING THAT I DON'T TRUST THEM OR ANYTHING,

BUT WE GONNA HAVE TO SLEEP IN SHIFTS.

- AND NOW FOR THE CEREMONIAL UNLOADING OF THE TOILETRIES.

WOW. I GUESS THIS MEANS I'M REALLY MOVING IN, HUH?

- EITHER THAT, OR YOU SERIOUSLY OVER-PACKED FOR A BOOTY CALL.

- DAMN, BABE. YOU LOOK GREAT IN THE MORNING.

- OH. - SUCH A NATURAL BEAUTY.

- OH, THANK YOU, BABY.

- WOW.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER NOTICED

HOW NEAT AND TIDY YOU WERE.

I MEAN, YOU EVEN FOLDED YOUR TOILET PAPER

INTO A TINY TRIANGLE-- LOOK AT THAT.

- MM, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF A MESS, YOU KNOW?

OH, AND I GUESS I SHOULD, YOU KNOW...

[chuckles] GET RID OF MY UNMENTIONABLES.

- AHH, THE LIKARLA MODEL 1020 DEMI CUP WITH FRONT CLASP.

HELLO, OLD FRIEND.

- WELL, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. COME ON, BABY.

YOU LIVE HERE TOO NOW. - ALL RIGHT.

- MM-HMM. - OKAY.

MAKE MYSELF AT HOME. - YES.

[sighs]

- UH...

OUT OF CURIOSITY,

HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU GONNA BE IN HERE?

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL ALREADY.

- OH, YOU ARE SO SWEET. [clicks tongue]

JUST ANOTHER 30 OR 40 MINUTES.

- THAT--THAT LONG, HUH?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M JUST GONNA COME OUT AND SAY IT.

[chuckles] I GOT TO PEE.

- OKAY, WELL, THIS IS WHERE WE DO IT.

IN FACT, WE PREFER YOU DO IT HERE.

SO GO ON.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T HAVE TO GO NOW.

- YOU HAD TO GO AND NOW YOU DON'T?

- YEAH. I'M LIKE THAT.

IT WENT BACK UP.

SEE YOU.

- HEY, BOYCE.

- I ALREADY RENTED OUT YOUR ROOM.

NO TAKE-BACKS.

- NAH, IT'S COOL.

I JUST CAME OVER TO USE THE BATHROOM.

- STAMPS, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR NEW PLACE,

BUT I BET IT HAS A BATHROOM.

- LOOK, MAN, KIM IS TOO TIDY.

I'M NOT COMFORTABLE THERE,

AND I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA MESS THINGS UP.

ALSO, SHE'S APPARENTLY OKAY WITH ME PEEING IN FRONT OF HER,

BUT I AM NOT.

- LOOK, MAN, I GET THAT.

I DIDN'T PEE IN FRONT OF LOLLI

TILL OUR THIRD ANNIVERSARY.

[chuckles] YEAH.

I GAVE HER THAT AND ROSES.

BUT, STAMPS, YOU CAN'T COME OVER HERE EVERY TIME YOU GOT TO GO.

- I KNEW I SHOULD'VE JUST BOUGHT SOMETHING

AT THE MINI-MART AND USED THEIR BATHROOM.

I GOT OA GO, AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

- LOOK, YOU COME BACK OVER HERE TOMORROW,

YOU BUYING SOMETHING.

- BOYCE, I KNOW THEY GOT TO PLUG IN THIS MOTOR HOME,

BUT IF I BREAK A HEEL ON MY RED BOTTOMS,

PAUL'S GONNA NEED A BUTT TO GO WITH THAT NEW KIDNEY.

- CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NERVE OF THESE TWO?

SHOWING UP HERE EXPECTING ME

TO FORK OVER A VITAL ORGAN.

- WIDE-EYED GIANT-- HE DON'T EVEN LOOK SICK.

- I KNOW.

HE LOOKS SURPRISED, BUT HE DON'T LOOK SICK.

- THEN WHY DO THEY WANT YOUR KIDNEY, BOYCE?

- KNOWING THOSE TWO FREAKS,

THEY'RE PROBABLY BUILDING THEIR OWN PERSON,

AND THIS JUST THE LAST LITTLE PIECE THEY NEED.

- WELL, WHATEVER THEY'RE UP TO,

I BET YOU THEY'RE OUT THERE IN THAT R.V. RIGHT NOW

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GUILT US

INTO GIVING IT TO THEM. - EXACTLY.

THAT'S HOW YOUR MOTHER ENDED UP

STAYING HERE THAT ONE SUMMER--

AND IT WAS SUCH A GREAT TIME.

DIDN'T WE ALL--

- HI. HI. WHAT'S FOR LUNCH?

OH, THIS LOOKS GOOD. - WHA--

ROBYN, YOU DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR PAUL?

- OH, HE'S MOVING SO SLOWLY LATELY.

HE'S FINE WITH US EATING WITHOUT HIM.

LIKE I'LL BE DOING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

IF HE DON'T GET THAT KIDNEY.

- [inhales sharply, sighs]

ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY?

SAD, YOU DON'T REALLY NOTICE

THE GLORY OF GOD'S GOODNESS

UNTIL IT'S ALMOST TOO LATE.

THE FEEL OF THE SUN ON YOUR SKIN,

THE SMELL OF FRESHLY CUT GRASS--

ALL THOSE THINGS SO BEAUTIFUL, SO PRECIOUS,

AND YET SO FULL OF--

- BALONEY?

- [grunts]

[groans]

HONEY, IT'S HAPPENING.

- OH. - JUST LIKE THEY TOLD US.

- COME ON, MAN.

- YOUR DOCTOR TOLD YOU YOU COULDN'T SQUEEZE MUSTARD

ON COLD CUTS?

- HAND STRENGTH IS THE FIRST THING TO GO.

HE CAN'T EVEN PRETEND-CHOKE ME LIKE HE USED TO.

- ROBYN, WOULD YOU MIND DRAGGING IN MY DIALYSIS MACHINE?

- OKAY, SO NOW YOU'RE TELLING US YOU'RE ON DIALYSIS?

- I CALL IT "MAMA" BECAUSE IT GIVES ME LIFE.

GO GRAB IT.

- CAN I FINISH EATING FIRST?

- MY BLOOD IS FILLING UP WITH TOXINS AS WE SPEAK,

BUT, PLEASE, FINISH YOUR MACARONI SALAD.

- CAN'T YOU GO FIVE MINUTES

WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT YOUR DIRTY BLOOD?

WE WERE TRYING TO EAT!

- YOU WON'T HAVE TO HEAR IT

WHEN MY BODY EXPLODES IN A TSUNAMI OF CLOUDY URINE,

LEAVING ME LIFELESS ON THE FLOOR!

- PROMISES, PROMISES!

- LORD, PLEASE, TAKE ME!

- PLEASE TAKE HIM! PLEASE TAKE HIM!

- DID YOU SEE THAT?

HE'S GOT A MACHINE.

YOU THINK PAUL REALLY IS SICK?

- I DON'T KNOW, BABY.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

I JUST PLAY ONE IN OUR BEDROOM.

LOOK, I'M GONNA GO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS, ALL RIGHT?

- ALL RIGHT, BUT, BOYCE,

THIS COULD BE A DELICATE TIME FOR THEM,

SO GO EASY. - JUST PLUG IT IN!

- I'M PLUGGING IT IN!

I GET SO TIRED OF WAITING ON HIM.

I NEED SOME ME TIME.

LOLLI, WILL YOU COME OUT TO THE R.V.

AND SIT WITH ME WHILE I GIVE MYSELF A BIKINI WAX?

IT'S LOOKING LIKE THE CAST OF DUCK DYNASTYDOWN THERE.

- PAUL, YOU OKAY THERE?

- IT'S MY BACK.

MY BACK.

SLEEPING IN THE MOTOR HOME

ISN'T THE LUXURY SNOOZE YOU'D THINK.

SURE WOULD BE NICE

TO STRETCH OUT IN A COZY CALIFORNIA KING

AND REST MY AILING BONES.

- I HEAR YOU, MAN, BUT HERE'S THE THING.

LOOK, I HAVE A RULE

ABOUT SHARING MY BED

WITH ANYBODY I'M NOT MARRIED WITH.

ACTUALLY, IT'S GOD'S RULE AND LOLLI'S,

BUT I'M DOWN WITH IT EITHER WAY.

- NO WORRIES.

YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING-- I'LL SLEEP WHEN I'M DEAD.

- HEY, MAN, ABOUT THAT--

HOW LONG CAN SOMEONE LIVE ON DIALYSIS?

- WELL, I HEARD OF A WOMAN WHO WAS ON IT FOR 40 YEARS.

- 40 YEARS? I NEED TO GET ME ONE OF THOSE.

- WELL, THEN THERE'S MY DAD, WHO WAS ONLY ON IT

FOR SIX MONTHS. - REALLY?

TILL HE GOT A KIDNEY?

- NO. TILL HE DIED.

- DIED? LIKE, DEAD?

YOUR DAD DIED?

Y-Y-YOUR DAD DIED DEAD?

HEY, PAUL, TAKE OUR BED, ALL RIGHT?

MY SLEEP NUMBER'S SIX,

BUT YOU CAN CHANGE IT TO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO.

LOLLI! - BOYCE.

- LOLLI, LISTEN,

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT PAUL'S DAD DIED

AFTER ONLY BEING ON DIALYSIS FOR SIX MONTHS.

- THAT EXPLAINS THESE.

THEY'RE SHOPPING FOR CASKETS.

OOH, THAT MAN IS REALLY SICK.

- HE REALLY COULDN'T SQUEEZE THE MUSTARD.

- WHY?

WHY, LORD?

DO YOU NOT HAVE ENOUGH ANGELS

IN HEAVEN THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE THESE

THAT ARE HERE ON EARTH?

- WE TALKING ABOUT PAUL NOW, BABY,

NOT DENZEL WASHINGTON.

- BOYCE, THIS IS SAD ENOUGH.

DON'T EVEN JOKE ABOUT GOD TAKING DENZEL.

- OKAY. BABE, IT JUST SEEMS LIKE IT'D BE SOMEBODY ELSE

OUT THERE THAT CAN HELP HIM.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME?

- WELL, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE YOU, BOYCE.

BUT IF YOU COULD'VE SAVED HIM AND YOU DIDN'T,

WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH THAT?

- I MEAN...

IT'S PAUL, BABE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

ON ONE HAND, PAUL LIVING.

ON THE OTHER HAND, PAUL DEAD.

BUT HOW FAR

SHOULD WE GO TO HELP OUR FELLOW MAN?

NOW, IF YOU HAD TWO LOAVES OF BREAD

AND CAME UPON A HUNGRY MAN,

WOULD YOU SHOW COMPASSION AND GIVE HIM ONE?

- THAT'S RIGHT. - AMEN.

- PREACH.

- IF YOU HAD TWO CARS,

WOULD YOU LET YOUR NEIGHBOR USE ONE

SO THAT HE OR SHE

MIGHT GO TO WORK AND EARN A LIVING

BY THE SWEAT OF HIS BROW?

all: YES.

- AND IF YOU HAD TWO KIDNEYS,

WOULD YOU GIVE ONE TO AN ANNOYING ACQUAINTANCE

BECAUSE HE NEEDS IT?

all: I DON'T KNOW.

- YOU PREACHING TO THE CHOIR NOW.

YOU SEE, BROTHERS AND SISTERS, IT'S A REAL DILEMMA.

AND IF ONLY GOD WOULD GIVE US A SIGN...

[thud]

YOU KNOW, SOME SMALL INDICATION

OF THE RIGHTEOUS THING TO DO.

[thud]

YOU KNOW, IF HE WOULD ENLIGHTEN US

WITH JUST THE TINIEST, LITTLE HEADS-UP OF WHAT--

[thumping on glass]

OH, THAT'S A--

YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAD ASKED GOD FOR A SIGN

FOR SOMETHING ELSE YESTERDAY,

AND THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

HE'S LATE, AND, UH...

- BABE, WHAT'S ALL THIS?

- BOYCE, THERE IS A SICK MAN UPSTAIRS,

AND I'M DOING WHAT I CAN TO KEEP HIM HEALTHY.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A KALE, GOJI-BERRY,

RED-PEPPER, OLIVE-OIL SMOOTHIE.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE REAL GOOD FOR YOUR KIDNEYS.

- SO WHAT'S THE YELLOW ONE? - OH, THIS A MARGARITA FOR ME.

PAUL AND ROBYN ON MY LAST NERVE.

- WELL, I'M ABOUT TO BE ON MY LAST KIDNEY

BECAUSE I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE PAUL MY OTHER ONE.

- BOYCE...

ARE YOU SURE? THAT--

BABE, THAT IS SUCH A BIG DECISION.

- I KNOW, I KNOW, BABE.

AND I'VE GIVEN IT A LOT OF THOUGHT.

AND AS A PASTOR, I HAVE A GREATER DUTY

TO MY FELLOW MAN,

EVEN IF THAT FELLOW MAN IS PAUL.

- BABY, IT'S THE MOST AMAZING,

BRAVE, AND SELFLESS THING I EVER HEARD.

COME--COME HERE.

- YEAH, AND REMEMBER, I-I FOLDED ALL THE SHEETS

IN THE PERFECT LITTLE ARROWS.

YOU KNOW? OKAY, YEAH.

- FOR THE BREAD.

- DON'T.

- [screams]

- WHOA! WHAT IS GOING ON?

- STAMPS, THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

- IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE BALD WITH A WHITE MUSTACHE.

- OKAY, IT IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

I'VE BEEN USING LOLLI'S BATHROOM

TO GET READY FOR WORK.

I JUST WASN'T COMFORTABLE WITH HAVING YOU SEE

WHAT GOES INTO MAKING ME LOOK GOOD.

- LOOK, KIM, I GOT SOMETHING TO CONFESS TOO.

I'VE BEEN COMING OVER HERE TO PEE.

YEAH, I'M NOT COMFORTABLE DOING THAT IN FRONT OF YOU.

I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST SO BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT--

- PERFECT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

STAMPS, THIS IS MY COSMETICS BAG--

THE PORTABLE VERSION.

AND MY BATHROOM--IT HAS NEVER BEEN THAT NEAT, EVER.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO THINK I WAS PERFECT.

AND NOW YOU KNOW I'M NOT.

- YEAH, THAT SHIP HAS SAILED.

[sighs] LOOK, IF WE'RE GONNA HAVE A REAL RELATIONSHIP,

WE NEED TO GET COMFORTABLE

SHARING ALL THE GROSS THINGS WE USED TO HIDE.

SO, FROM NOW ON,

I'M GONNA DO MY BUSINESS IN FRONT OF YOU.

- OKAY, AND I'LL JUST LET MY MUSTACHE GROW.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. SLOW DOWN, COLONEL.

- OH. SORRY. - SORRY.

- ALL RIGHT.

KNOCK IT OFF, YOU TWO.

- I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM. SEE YOU GUYS IN A MINUTE.

- HEY, Y'ALL, BY THE WAY,

WHAT IS WITH THE ELECTROLYSIS MACHINE?

- YOU MEAN DIALYSIS MACHINE.

WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU?

- THE KIND THAT KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A DEVICE THAT REMOVES TOXINS FROM YOUR BLOOD

AND A HAIR REMOVER THAT'S BOLTED ON A UPSIDE-DOWN TRASH CAN.

- WHAT?

- [tapping]

OH...MY GOD.

- OH, BOYCE, LOLLI, COME IN. COME IN.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU TWO, OUT OF THE BED. - WHAT?

- THE JIG IS UP!

- WAIT. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, MAN?

- YOU THINK WE DON'T RECOGNIZE

A FAKE MACHINE ON TOP OF AN UPSIDE-DOWN TRASH CAN,

AFTER MY SISTER TOLD US?

- OKAY, OKAY. I SEE THE CONFUSION HERE.

WHEN I SAID I NEEDED A KIDNEY,

YOU THOUGHT I NEEDED A KIDNEY NOW.

WELL, I DON'T NEED IT, LIKE, NOWNOW.

- OOH! - I KNEW IT.

THIS WHOLE THING WAS A SCAM, A SHAM, A FLIMFLAM.

Y'ALL LIED TO ME.

I THOUGHT WE WERE FAMILY.

both: WE'RE NOT RELATED TO Y'ALL.

- Y'ALL, HERE'S THE REAL DEAL.

I JUST TURNED 40.

THAT WAS THE SAME AGE MY DAD WAS WHEN HE DIED.

IT GOT ME THINKING ABOUT MY OWN MORTALITY,

AND I GOT TO TELL YOU, BOYCE--

IT REALLY SCARED ME.

- ALL RIGHT, PAUL.

I MEAN, I GUESS IT'S HARD ON YOU.

- I MEAN, THAT'S WHY I DID ALL OF THIS.

I HAD TO CONVINCE YOU

SO I COULD LOCK DOWN A KIDNEY

FOR WHEN MINE FINALLY CRAP OUT.

- CAN'T YOU GET ON A LIST OR SOMETHING, PAUL?

- THE WAITING LIST IS RIDICULOUS.

AND THE CAMBODIAN KIDNEYS YOU SEE ONLINE--

THEY'RE A RIP-OFF.

- WE OPENED A BOX, AND IT WAS ROASTED DUCK.

DELICIOUS, BUT NOT WHAT WE PAID FOR.

- SO Y'ALL TRIED TO GET A KIDNEY ONLINE, HMM?

SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.

- PAUL, WHAT DID YOUR DOCTOR SAY?

- WELL, MY "DOCTOR" SAYS I'M HIGH RISK.

AND MY "TESTS" SAY IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME--

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHY DO YOU KEEP USING AIR QUOTES

WHEN YOU SAY "DOCTOR" AND "TESTS"?

- WELL, I ASSUME HE'S A DOCTOR.

HE'S ON THE INTERNET.

- HIS DOCTOR ON THE DAMN INTERNET.

- ACTUALLY, HE'S THE CHIEF OF STAFF OF MEXIDOC.COM.

AT LEAST I THINK THAT'S WHAT HE IS.

MY HIGH-SCHOOL SPANISH IS NO AGUA.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I-I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BEAT YOU

OR TO LAUGH AT YOU

OR TO LAUGH AT YOU WHILE I BEAT YOU.

LOOK, PAUL,

YOU CAN'T DIAGNOSE YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET.

YOU HAVE TO SEE A REAL DOCTOR.

- RIGHT.

- WELL, WHAT IF HE SEES THE DOCTOR

AND FINDS OUT THAT HE IS REALLY SICK?

- WELL, GUYS, LOOK,

IF THE DAY COMES THAT YOU REALLY NEED A KIDNEY

AND I'M IN A GOOD MOOD AND IT'S SUNNY OUTSIDE

AND Y'ALL CAN FIND ME...

WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY

OF ME GIVING YOU ONE OF MINE.

- SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO HEAR, BOYCE.

I'M COMING IN FOR A HUG...

LOW AND FAST. [imitates buzzing]

- AH!

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

PAUL, YOU'RE HURTING OUR KIDNEY. - OKAY.

- PAUL, THIS IS MY OLD DOCTOR IN VEGAS.

HE'S A REAL PRO.

AND HIS WAITING ROOM'S GOT THE LOOSEST SLOTS IN TOWN.

- HERE IS A CRAZY IDEA.

HOW ABOUT THE NEXT TIME YOU ALL ARE COMING THIS WAY,

GIVE US A HEADS-UP, JUST A TEXT

WHEN YOU'RE SOMEWHERE NEAR KANSAS?

- WELL, LET'S HIT THE ROAD. - OKAY.

- OKAY, PAUL, I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER TO STAY POSITIVE, OKAY?

AND JUST BECAUSE YOUR DAD DIED OF KIDNEY DISEASE

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE NECESSARILY GOING TO.

- MY DADDY DIDN'T ACTUALLY DIE OF HIS KIDNEY DISEASE.

HE DROWNED.

- DROWNED?

- MM-HMM. IN A KIDNEY-SHAPED POOL.

HOW FREAKY IS THAT?

- GET OUT!

- HELP ME MOVE THE COUCH OVER HERE.

[soul music]

♪

- ♪ THE SOUL MAN

- ♪ AH