Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(LAUGHING)

♪♪(FUNERAL MARCH PLAYING)

(THUNDER CRASHING)

(CLUCKS)

(JOHNNY READING)

♪♪(O FORTUNA PLAYING)

(EXPLOSIONS)

(ALL WHOOPING)

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Jackass.

(LAUGHING)

(YELLING)

Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville and I'm about to rent a car.

(DOORBELL JINGLING)

What's up? JOHNNY: Hi, I have a reservation.

Okay, I need a driver's license and a credit card.

All right.

I need a signature here that you're going to use your coverage instead of ours.

Is that white one us? CLERK: Yes.

And we're gonna walk around it, inspect it together.

JOHNNY: Looks pretty good.

I'm just looking for dents and major scratches.

Yeah.

Something major, gonna write it down.

Little ding there.

Yeah.

No, we'll take good care of her.

Thank you. Have a good week.

You, too. Thank you.

(JOHNNY CACKLING)

I'm Johnny. Hey, man.

We're gonna be doing a hell of a lot of work here today.

Trust us. We're gonna have fun.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville,

and this is called the Rent-a-Car Crash-Up Derby.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, fuck!

JOHNNY: You guys are gonna die!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

MAN: Shut the car off before it gets hot.

Oh, fuck!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)

I guess we didn't reinforce the windshield.

That fucker kept... Missed me by that much.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

STEVE-O: That's why you got the roll bars behind you, dude.

(SPUTTERING AND SQUEAKING)

Whose car is this?

JOHNNY: Uh, this is your guys' car. I rented it from you earlier.

Yes. Yeah, what...

JOHNNY: Yeah, I hit a dog.

A dog didn't cause this.

(DOORBELL JINGLING)

Come on in.

JOHNNY: I had a accident, as you can see.

I was... I mean, I drink. I just black out, so I...

Were you drinking or anything?

Yeah, I had a little, to be honest.

Is there any license plates on it?

There was. Yeah?

Well, hopefully you guys will incur some of the cost.

Oh, no.

'Cause I rented it from you guys fair and square.

Yeah.

I don't want to get stuck with the whole charge of it.

Well, you are gonna get stuck with the entire thing.

JOHNNY: Well, I don't think I should. I think you guys should help.

No. You declined any additional coverage.

Right there. You declined it.

Yeah, but that's just paperwork, you know?

That's a legal contract. Yeah, but I was a little... I was...

I had a few to drink when I signed that, too, so...

Well, we're gonna have to get this worked out.

Yeah, you're gonna have to pay for that car.

Well, you're gonna have to help me pay for that car.

No, we don't do that.

I returned it with a full tank of gas.

You returned it demolished.

Well, it's got a full tank of gas.

That's the least of our worries right now, is the gas.

Oh. This is an unmitigated outrage.

I've never seen anything like this before.

What does that mean?

No one's ever done that.

Well, I can't pay for it.

Well, you're gonna have to.

JOHNNY: Well, I ain't.

Look, I'm gonna let you two guys work it out and I'm gonna go outside,

but, um, that car's gonna have to be paid for.

(DOORBELL JINGLING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(HORN HONKING)

JOHNNY: "F" you!

(LAUGHING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Are you all right?

(CROWD GROANING)

(CROWD LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING)

MAN: You all right?

Knoxville knocked my nuts in half.

(GROANING)

This is the Muscle Stimulator.

(ELECTRICITY SURGING)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, it hurts my teeth!

(ELECTRICITY SURGING)

(SCREAMS) I can't even turn it off.

How is that supposed to help?

Okay, are you ready? Yeah.

(ELECTRICITY SURGING)

DAVE: Think about your--your...

(SCREAMING)

Okay, okay, I got it. I'm taking care of you.

It's all right. Okay. Oh, my God, it's so bad.

It's cool. You cool? Yeah. I'm good.

Okay. Come on.

Ease up. Come on. Daddy's got you.

Oh, my God, it's so fucking bad. Daddy's got you. Come on.

(BUZZING)

Whoo!

You're gonna have tits of steel.

Oh. Yeah, you're so buff right now.

Yeah, this goes on the gooch. Yeah, go, go, go, come on.

This goes on the gooch. Oh, dude, he's done.

Who's gonna do the gooch?

In case you didn't know what the gooch is,

the gooch is the spot between your balls and butt hole, and...

(LAUGHING) Ooh!

(ELECTRICITY SURGING)

(SCREAMING)

CHRIS: Does it smell like... Does it smell like man? Ooh! Smell.

Just smell it. Just smell it.

CHRIS: Ehren, smell it.

(ELECTRICITY SURGING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

STEVE-O: No, come on.

Do your balls first, just to get it over with.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's get it over with.

Are we ready? You're so gone, man.

Okay.

(SCREAMING)

(ELECTRICITY BUZZES)

He likes it! He likes it! Oh, my God!

He likes it.

(SIGHING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Afternoon. How you doing?

(TEARING)

Oh. Son of a bitch.

What happened?

Oh, man!

Oh!

(BAM LAUGHING)

Fuck! Fuck! Oh!

♪ Well, now the cats are rockin' ♪

♪ And everyone's feeling all right ♪

♪ And on a Wednesday evening, there's sure gonna be a fight ♪

♪ Yeah, a fight ♪

♪ I say somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight ♪

♪ Well, now the party's groovin' ♪

♪ And everyone's shouting for more ♪

♪ More ♪

♪ I say there's gonna be a pool of blood on the dancefloor♪

♪ More ♪

♪ I say somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rip up the chairs ♪

♪ Tear down the walls, smash up the band ♪

♪ And really have a ball ♪

♪ The busboy's gonna beat up on his face ♪

♪ And the whole dance floor will be a total mess ♪

♪ Well, the cats are rockin' ♪

♪ And everyone is feelin' all right ♪

♪ All right... ♪

Whoa!

♪ I said somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight ♪

(LAUGHING)

Yeah!

Oh.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yes! That was the best thing I've ever seen.

♪ Tear down the walls ♪

What?

♪ And the whole dance hall will be a total mess... ♪

Oh, fuck, dude.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Nice, yeah.

♪ And on a Wednesday evening, there's sure gonna be a fight ♪

♪ Be a fight! ♪

♪ I say somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight ♪♪

(GROANING) ED: Are you okay?

Are you okay? Are you okay? Get over here!

Help him! Help him! Help him! Medic!

ED: No, no, no, no. Don't move him. Don't move him!

Oh, shit.

That had bad news written all over it. Are you okay? You all right?

That was like the worst thing that could ever happen, right there.

CHRIS: Dunn can't drive for shit.

I don't know what happened. I just remember we went in the air,

and the next thing I know I'm just fucked. MAN: Look at that cart.

STEVE-O: Dude, you were hauling so much ass.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

We're here in Tokyo, and I feel like partying.

(WOMAN CHATTERING IN JAPANESE ON PA)

Hi. I'm Party Boy.

Oh, can I try this?

(BEEPING) Here we go.

That's my party music.

♪♪(PARTY BOY THEME PLAYING)

You like it?

Kind of makes you wanna party, huh?

Kind of feel like partying right now.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(GROANS)

Ready?

(SCREAMING)

See, that's what the big ones do, but sometimes they don't...

It'll take a while before...

Oh, fuck!

Don't pull on it, man. You can't pry his mouth open.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

It's slowly getting away. It's slowly...

Is he opening it?

No, you're twisting him! You're fucking twisting him!

Oh, fuck! He's got my nipple, dude. He's got my fucking nipple.

LANCE: Wait, wait, wait, he's gonna open it.

I know. I know. Hang on, hang on. CAMERAMAN: Hang on. Don't move.

(JOHNNY WAILING)

You little bastard!

BAM: Oh, look at the teeth marks.

(BIRD CAWING)

STEVE-O: Man.

(SNARLING AND HISSING)

I'm Bunny, the lifeguard,

and if any of these alligators try to ruin our swimming,

I'm gonna rassle them down and probably have my way with them.

If he falls and he lands near an alligator,

and an alligator grabs a hold of him, Steve-O will relax,

let the alligator take him and hope that the alligator will release him.

Hi. I'm Steve-O, and this is Alligator Tightrope.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Oh, shit.

JOHNNY: There's no such thing as failure, Steve-O.

EHREN: Take another step.

CHRIS: You got it.

One thing I know is good tightrope walking.

Oh, no. JOHNNY: Oh, yes.

CHRIS: You're cool. You're good.

JOHNNY: Go put the chicken on him!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, shit. There you go.

JOHNNY: Yeah, there you go. Food, food, food, food.

CHRIS: Go back down a little bit.

JOHNNY: Go, keep going, Steve-O.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Yeah!

(ALL LAUGHING)

BAM: Keep going, Steve-O. Keep going!

CHRIS: Keep going, Steve-O!

Keep your head up, Steve-O!

Keep your head up! Keep your head up!

They got you now. You're doing good!

BAM: Keep your head up!

PRESTON: Keep your butt up!

You got it! All right, all right!

Keep your butt...

MANNY: Put it in your ass and let him take it.

Come on.

JOHNNY: Stick the bone up your ass.

And let him pull it out.

ALL: Food, food, food, food!

Get ready. PRESTON: Here it comes. Here it comes.

MANNY: Stay there. Don't move. Don't move.

BAM: It'll be over before you know it.

Don't look! Don't look, Steve-O.

PRESTON: Don't look.

BAM: Don't look, Steve-O! Don't look!

Stay still. Stay still.

He's going. He's got it. Don't look! Don't look!

Don't move!

Hang on!

Hold still! Hold still!

I ran straight into a crocodile. What the hell.

Oh, my God.

CAMERAMAN: Why can't you walk on a tightrope?

I don't know.

I thought you'd do it.

(SIGHING) Yeah.

I just... I don't know, man. But I'm sure I could learn,

but today, you know, today was my first try.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

I'm Bam Margera, and my parents are dead asleep.

It's 12:42 right now and Phil has to be at work at 5:00 in the morning.

So he's trying to get a good night's sleep

and I'm gonna go wake his ass up.

(DOOR CREAKING)

(PHIL SNORING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(PHIL CONTINUES SNORING)

(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

APRIL: I'm dying!

(DOGS BARKING)

Holy shit!

(SMOKE ALARM BEEPING)

Oh, my God, I'm opening the windows. Getting crazy over here.

Look at Phil's tummy.

Oh. Oh, my God!

Phil, you gotta be up for 5:00 in the morning tonight.

PHIL: 6:00, gotta be at work.

(BAM SHUSHING)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Yo, here he comes. Here he comes. Here he comes.

(SEATBELT WARNING BEEPS)

(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

PHIL: Jesus Christ, Bam! I almost broke my leg getting out of there!

There's shit all over the goddamn van.

How am I going to work now?

♪♪(SOPHISTICATED BITCH PLAYING)

Go!

I... Jesus!

♪ That woman in the corner cold playin' the role ♪

♪ Leave her ass in the corner till her feet gets cold ♪

♪ Knowin' for a fact that girl is wack ♪

♪ If you hold your hand out, she'll turn her back ♪

♪ Better walk, don't talk, she's all pretend ♪

♪ Can't be her friend unless you spend ♪

♪ Wall to wall after all, get ready to throw ♪

♪ All your money at the bitch ♪

♪ 'Cause she thinks she's sophisticated ♪

♪ Sophisticated ♪

♪ Sophisticated ♪

♪ Sophisticated ♪♪

♪♪(MUSIC PLAYING ON PA)

What are you doing?

You know, I ought to arrest you right now

with all that in your clothes. What's wrong with you?

What are you talking about?

Get this out of your pocket, man!

That's all me! All of this!

All of that! That's all me!

What is this bullshit?

What is wrong with you? Those are my bananas.

Don't never come in here no more, man! What are you...

Get out! And take the other stuff out of your pockets.

Jeez! Get it all out!

That's how you treat an old man?

Yep. Get out! Go! An old man that steals, I can't believe it.

Hey, man, what kind of games you playing? Get out!

Get out, man! God damn it!

What is wrong with you? Get out!

Man, quit playing!

I was Lon Chaney's lover!

Go back and love him!

So, we're gonna go to this hardware store. They sell toilets.

And, uh, I'm gonna take a shit right in one of the toilets.

I'm gonna shit in my pants before we get to that fucking place.

CAMERAMAN: Dave, fight it, man.

And I don't even want to make a joke about it right now

'cause I just wanna hold it in.

Gotta poo? Pretty much.

Really? Yeah.

Like, really bad. Don't... Do you want to ruin everything?

I swear to God, it's... Really? Like, that bad?

Yeah, like, it's a problem.

JOHNNY: Is this the worst you've ever had to go boom-boom?

No, no. I shit my pants at the fair.

BAM: Oh, dude, he's shitting right now.

Get out of the car! Oh, get out, dude, get out!

CHRIS: No shit, get out of here!

Come on, man, get out of the fucking car. Get out of the fucking car!

(MOANING)

Oh! What do I do?

JOHNNY: Did you shit?

(FARTING) Did you do it?

Holy shit! I'm taking a cab back to the hotel.

He just shat everywhere.

(ALL LAUGHING)

What's wrong, man?

I had to sit there while he shat.

(RETCHING)

I need to go home right now.

It's on my hand. Just let them see it.

(DOORBELL JINGLING)

(DEFECATING)

(GRUNTS)

(FARTING)

Is that a bolt? We have very...

What the hell you doing? What was that?

What are you doing? Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm almost done.

I hope you didn't take a shit in that, son of a bitch.

You take a shit in that, they're gonna get you to clean it out, pal.

That is disgusting, man.

(DOORBELL JINGLING)

What a fucking Froot Loop.

Want me to play it back?

(BUZZING)

Hey! What the fuck? What the...

(BUZZING)

BAM: Got him, dude. And there went his hair.

CAMERAMAN: Turn around. Let's see it.

That was so much.

(LAUGHING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BUZZING)

Oh, no!

(BUZZING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah. CAMERAMAN: Look at me.

That's a good one.

We're ready.

I'm Ehren McGhehey, and this is the Mousetrap.

♪♪(MOUSETRAP PLAYING)

♪ You'll be the cat, I'll be the mouse ♪

♪ You'll be the cat, I'll be the mouse ♪

♪ You'll be the cat, I'll be the mouse ♪

♪ You'll be the cat, I'll be the mouse ♪

♪ You'll be the cat, I'll be the mouse ♪

♪ You'll be the cat, I'll be the mouse ♪

(GROANING)

All right! All right! All right!

(SCREAMING)

Come on! Come on.

Okay, that's enough.

That's enough! That's enough! I called it! Hey! Time!

BAM: The Bungee Wedgie.

Dude. This isn't gonna work.

It might.

CAMERAMAN: What's-- What's gonna happen here?

I don't know, but it's not what's going to be intended.

BAM: Raab's putting a fucking tampon on.

RYAN: That's like a Courtney Love-sized maxi pad.

Dudes, this is, like, worse than a hanging.

I'm Raab himself and I'm a complete fucking idiot.

(TEARING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

BAM: Oh, that's funny. It didn't work.

Nope.

We gotta get another one, man.

Let's do it again.

Hey, I'm Raab himself, and this is Bungee Wedgie.

(TEARING)

Fuck!

BAM: Is that your shitty ass, dude?

Look at the bloody, shitty underpants.

RAAB: Didn't give me a wedgie. I went forward.

JOHNNY: I can't believe it.

RYAN: That is so funny.

All right, we're here in the valley today

to do our own little riot-control test.

This is George Hruska.

All right, George, uh, what do you do

and what are we doing here today?

Well, I'm Vice President of Operations with A.L.S. Technologies.

We manufacture less-lethal ammunition.

We're one of the top manufacturing companies in the United States.

And we're going to shoot you with one of our projectiles.

It's called the Pen-Prevent. It's a 40-gram, tail-stabilized bag.

It'll be traveling about, uh, 250 feet per second.

Is that lethal?

I-It's considered less lethal.

So, this morning I thought I was taking it in the chest with the beanbag projectile,

but George and his company said, "No way."

'Cause if it hits me in the heart,

I'm pretty much done with, so, uh...

GEORGE: We want to take every single precaution... Right.

...necessary to help protect your vital organs.

Where are my intestines? Are they in that area?

I think so. Awesome.

Ugh.

JOHNNY: So are you gonna take some practice shots?

MAN: Pressure.

(GUN FIRES)

MAN: Jesus Christ.

MAN 2: Yeah.

(SHELLS DROPPING)

You know, this is nothing to mess around with.

This is nothing for--for anybody

to just throw into a 12-gauge shotgun

and--and, uh, you know, think that they could take it.

You know, that's one of the reasons I'm doing this

is because I can do this in a controlled state.

(CLAPS HANDS)

Safety's off.

Going hot.

(GUN COCKING)

(GUN FIRES)

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

That really hurt.

BAM: That looked like it hurt.

Oh, fuck, dude.

JOHNNY: Did you see the way I caught that beanbag with my stomach?

That's instinct.

You can't teach that.

Ah!

It hurts so much.

Like going from a prone position to standing is...

Ouch.

Hi. I'm Wee Man, and this is a big cone.

♪♪(JAPANESE SONG PLAYING)

Oh, my God, my brakes!

I can't...

My brakes!

My brakes!

My brakes!

Stop me! Stop me!

Stop me!

Oh!

You all right? That was so fast!

You all right? Yeah.

You have... Did your brakes go out?

Yeah. The whole thing doesn't work.

Really?

Will you push me to the top? I wanna do it again.

(GRUNTS)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

I could sure go for a Miller High Life.

Oh, you're in so much trouble. (WHIMPERING)

MAN: Kick her ass!

(CROWD WHOOPING AND CHEERING)

I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girl.

(BELL CLANGING)

Dude, I told you to keep up the left!

Hail to the queen!

That's the winner. That's it.

And the winner, and still champion...

JOHNNY: Now pronounce her name.

JOHNNY: Look at his bloody mouthpiece.

Oh, God, my jaw is, like, two inches to the left.

RYAN: I--I seriously felt all right for a little bit,

until she punched me in the nose.

I knew she was fighting dirty.

Tropical Pole-Vaulting.

♪♪(CALIFORNIA SUN PLAYING)

Oh, Jesus!

(CROWD WHISTLING AND WHOOPING)

JOHNNY: Go grab the dead kitty.

Dude, I've fucking been in there before, dude. It sucks.

♪ When the days are short and the nights are long ♪

♪ And I walk and they walk ♪

♪ I twist and they twist ♪

♪ And I shimmy and they shimmy ♪

♪ And I fly and they fly ♪

♪ Well, we're out there having fun ♪

♪ In the warm California sun ♪

(SHOUTING)

♪ Where they're out there havin' fun ♪

♪ In the warm California sun ♪

♪ Where they're out there havin' fun ♪

♪ In the warm California sun ♪♪

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING) Yeah! Whoo!

(GROANING)

Oh, God!

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGING)

♪♪(TURNING JAPANESE PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

♪ I've got your picture ♪

♪ Of me and you ♪

♪ You wrote I love you ♪

♪ I love you too ♪

♪ I sit there staring and there's nothing else to do ♪

♪ Oh, it's in color ♪

♪ Your hair is brown ♪

♪ Your eyes are hazel ♪

♪ And soft as clouds ♪

♪ I often kiss you when there's no one else around ♪

(GRUNTING)

♪ I've got your picture, I've got your picture ♪

♪ I'd like a million of you over myself ♪

♪ I want a doctor to take your picture ♪

♪ So I can look at you from inside as well ♪

♪ You got me turning up and turning down ♪

♪ I'm turning in, I'm turning round ♪

♪ I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪

(SCREAMING)

♪ I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪

♪ I've got your picture, I've got your picture ♪

♪ I'd like a million of 'em over myself ♪

♪ I want a doctor to take your picture ♪

♪ So I can look at you from inside as well ♪

♪ I'm turning up, I'm turning down ♪

♪ I'm turning in, I'm turning round ♪

♪ I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪

(CHANTING RHYTHMICALLY)

♪ I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪

♪ I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪

(CHEERING)

♪ I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪♪

Since we no longer have to bleep cuss words,

I promise I will get my mom to say "fuck" by the end of this movie.

Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville, and we're about to test my rocket skates.

Go!

(ROCKETS WHISTLING)

(EXPLODING)

All right, this is rocket skates, take two.

(ROCKETS WHISTLING)

(EXPLODING)

This one's gonna be a little more powerful than the last one, so...

JOHNNY: Why, these are different bottle rockets?

No, there's just more of them.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ROCKETS WHISTLING)

(EXPLODING)

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

Oh, fuck! What's wrong?

I fell and busted my ass, that's what's fucking wrong.

That's it. No more rocket skates.

♪♪(THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT PLAYING)

♪ That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

(RECORD SKIPPING)

(TIRE SCREECHING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

God, this party sucks!

Hey, my man. Wasabi, lots.

Wasabi.

ALL: Yeah.

So today, I'm gonna treat myself to some wasabi snooters.

God, chopsticks are so stupid.

That looks like a pretty good line, huh?

Whoa!

More.

Do another snooter.

I need a pick-me-up.

Dude, on the plate. On the plate.

Get him!

Get back here!

I said, "Get back here!"

Get...

♪♪(MADE IN JAPAN PLAYING)

♪ My transistor radio comes from far away ♪

(THUDDING) ♪ And when it's night over here ♪

(GROANING)

♪ I remember all the good times I had a-walking in the sand ♪

(TEARING)

(JOHNNY LAUGHING)

♪ With a beautiful girl that I met made in Japan ♪♪

This is bullshit, man!

Ow!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(SNARLING)

(GASPING)

Phil?

Phil?

Phil?

Hey, Phil!

Oh, my God.

APRIL: Is this thing real?

PHIL: What thing?

This alligator!

What?

Look, look, look! Look around the corner.

What is that? Where have you been?

Don't you even look?

(ALLIGATOR HISSES)

(SHRIEKING)

Oh, my God! It's moving. Oh, Phil!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

PHIL: I don't know what to do now.

Aren't you scared to death?

Ooh, it's so gross that it's even on the floor.

(SCREAMS)

I'm going out! I'm leaving! Where's my keys?

That is the scariest fucking thing I ever saw in my whole life!

APRIL: I'm leaving.

PHIL: Don't leave. Where the hell you going?

I'm leaving. I swear to God!

Phil, seriously, please. Help! Help me get this thing out of here!

I'm scared to death!

Oh, God!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, man.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) APRIL: No! No!

No, I'm not letting in the... No, no! God, where is it?

Oh, please! You don't have it, do you? WOMAN: No, we don't have it.

(SCREAMING) It's not there?

Like, seriously, is that real?

I'm serious. Is it real?

Is it real? Is it real?

WOMAN: Yes. (SHRIEKS)

I'm serious, get everybody out!

(BAM LAUGHING)

(BUZZING)

JOHNNY: Dude, dude. Wait. Stop! Chill, dude.

BAM: Whiz kid kicked your ass, dude.

I didn't even get you.

You got beat up by Wee Man.

Dude. Let me see.

He didn't even get you.

JOHNNY: Where? I didn't even... He didn't even get you.

CAMERAMAN: Let me see the back of your head.

Oh, dude.

It'll be all right.

I'm here with Eric Koston and Clyde Singleton,

and today I'm gonna 50-50 this rail, and...

Or try to.

ERIC: So, this thing's long.

Yeah, thanks. Thanks for reminding me.

You got it.

I got it. I got this.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

CAMERAMAN: Dude, is he gonna go? Yeah.

Is he gonna go? He's gonna go somewhere.

He's going. He's going, yeah.

My impression of Johnny Knoxville. Something like this.

"Oh, my face!"

I'm Johnny Knoxville and I'm gonna grind this rail.

Ready, set, go!

(GASPING)

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

He made it all the way down.

ERIC: I can't believe he got that far.

CLYDE: You made it to the fucking bottom!

I can't believe he got that far.

I can't believe... I can't

(QUACKING)

This is the Paper Cuts.

I'm getting paper cuts between the webbings of my fingers

and the webbings of my toes. RYAN: Hold it still.

There's no good way to do it.

Yeah, I know. So just deal with it. Take a... Take a breath.

(JOHNNY SHRIEKING)

Oh, you can feel when it goes in.

Oh, give me... This one works good, give me the next one.

CAMERAMAN: Do it. Do it.

(SPUTTERING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

STEVE-O: Oh, yeah, opened up with a good one.

CHRIS: Did you hear that?

JOHNNY: Oh, that was my flesh! Oh, shit.

If I do your hand, you'll forget about the pain in your foot.

That's a good point.

Take a deep breath.

Lance is trying... Are you gonna puke?

Don't, Lance, there's so many places for you to

Watch Lance pass out. Lance is gonna puke!

JOHNNY: From what, the pepperoni or the paper cuts?

(ALL RETCHING) Both?

The pepperoni.

It's good! With pig entrails.

Is he okay? I don't know.

Wait, is he all right? BAM: Lance, are you all right?

Medic! Hey, don't knock over the beer.

Dude, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

CAMERAMAN: And get him in a cold room.

This is the greatest bit ever.

Steve-O, if you want to do some more, do it. I'm done.

RYAN: Is everybody ready? Yeah.

See the look on his face?

MAN: Do one more. Do it again.

That sucked.

God, am I glad I came down to see what was going on in this room.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE) Mmm-hmm.

Wait a minute.

I know what my fortune is. It's partying.

♪♪(PARTY BOY THEME PLAYING)

This is Sweaty Fat Fucks.

♪♪(BABY GOT BACK PLAYING)

♪ I like big butts and I cannot lie ♪

♪ You other brothers can't deny ♪

♪ That when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist ♪

(WHOOPING) ♪ And a round thing in your face you get sprung ♪

♪ wanna pull up front, cuz I notice that butt was stuffed ♪

♪ Deep in the jeans she's wearin' ♪

♪ I'm hooked and I can't stop starin', oh, baby ♪

♪ I wanna get wit ya and take your picture ♪

♪ My homeboys tried to warn me ♪

♪ But that butt you got makes me so horny ♪

♪ Ooh, rump of smooth skin ♪

♪ You say you wanna get in my Benz ♪

♪ Well, use me, use me ♪

♪ 'Cuz you ain't that average groupie ♪

(GROANING)

♪ I want 'em real thick and juicy ♪

♪ So find that juicy double ♪

♪ Mix-A-Lot's in trouble, beggin' for a piece of that bubble ♪

♪ So I'm lookin' at rock videos ♪

♪ Knock-kneed bimbos walkin' like hos ♪

♪ You can have them bimbos ♪

♪ I'll keep my women like Flo Jo ♪

♪ So your girlfriend rolls a Honda ♪

♪ Playin' workout tapes by Fonda ♪

♪ But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda ♪

♪ My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon ♪

♪ You can do side bends or sit-ups ♪

(WHOOPING) ♪ But please don't lose that butt ♪

♪ Some brothers wanna play that hard role ♪

♪ And tell you that the butt ain't gold ♪

♪ So they toss it and leave it ♪

♪ And I pull up quick to retrieve it ♪

♪ So, ladies, if the butt is round ♪

♪ And you want a triple-x throw down ♪

♪ Dial 1-900-MIX-A-LOT, and kick them nasty thoughts ♪

♪ Baby got back ♪

♪ Baby got back ♪♪

Oh, honey, it's been a while.

It's a little too much.

No, I...

Irving, you think you can do it?

Do you want a spot? No, I got it. No, I got it.

You got it? Yeah, yeah.

If you need a spot, just give me a call. Okay.

(GRUNTING)

(COUGHING)

What's the quickest you ever knocked anyone out?

I hold the California state record.

It's like 18 seconds, including the 10 count.

♪♪(WE WANT FUN PLAYING)

♪ I took it to the jaw ♪

♪ One, two, three, there was never a doubt ♪

♪ We want fun, and you better believe it ♪

♪ We want fun, yeah, you better believe it ♪

♪ We want fun, no, you don't understand ♪

♪ Fun, fun, fun, fun, make your demands ♪

♪ We want fun and you might as well face it ♪

♪ We want fun and we want to get wasted! ♪♪

I think you're gonna break that today.

I'm Johnny Knoxville.

And I'm Butterbean.

Today we're gonna do a little boxing.

All right, you guys. Touch gloves and come out fighting.

(BELL DINGS)

(JOHNNY GROANING)

Get up! Come on, Butter.

One more time. (JOHNNY GIGGLING)

This is the last time you're kicking my ass.

One more time. More pain. That's it.

You haven't even... Hit me once, at least.

There you go. (JOHNNY GIGGLING)

(GRUNTING)

That's it.

MAN: Is there a problem?

(SNORING)

(GROANING) He's out.

Is Butterbean okay?

WOMAN: Look at this.

And by knockout in the first round, new champion, Butterbean!

Whoo! Yeah!

BAM: Where we going, Knoxville?

The hospital.

What the hell are we doing that for?

I don't know. Apparently I have a big gash in my head,

and I think I'm a little concussed.

Are you giving me a shot?

DR. KIPPER: Yeah.

Are you okay? Mmm-hmm.

We got one more to go, buddy. Yes, sir.

Then you're a free man.

Thank you.

You're gonna be not feeling great the next 24 hours.

Thank you, Dr. Kipper. Okay.

You'll probably see me in two to three days. See you in a couple of days.

(YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

Hey! Hey! Hey!

God damn it! What are you doing? Hey! Get off, man!

What's going on here?

Get off! Get off!

We're in Okinawa and we're about to go swim with some whale sharks.

But first, we need to go rub one out.

GARY: Well, I made the mistake of showing them

what sea cucumbers do when they're threatened.

And that is, you know, as soon as something touches them,

these white threads come out of the end of it,

and Steve-O and Chris thought it was a great idea.

So, they're out there trying to, uh...

CAMERAMAN: Masturbate? Masturbate. Yeah.

So, anyway, I--I apologize.

(LAUGHING)

STEVE-O: This is the Whale Shark Gummer.

With a simple shave of the razor,

Steve-O easily disguises himself

to fool the whale sharks into thinking he's a harmless young boy.

I am pretty nervous about my wiener

around that whale shark. I really am.

GARY: Now, the best way to think of the whale sharks

is they're like big puppy dogs.

Uh, sometimes puppies bite.

Yeah, but they have little teeth.

Puppies, they have little teeth. Little teeth.

You're gonna get a gummer.

All right. So, it's kind of like being with a gal with no teeth.

Kind of, yes. Yeah.

STEVE-O: So right below in these waters,

30-foot whale sharks are waiting to eat

these freaking shrimp out of our crotches.

Okay.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, they're kind of... They pinch.

Are these alive?

They don't feel good on the way...

You're part of this, man.

Look at this shrimp.

I guess I don't really have any last words.

I'm just gonna kill myself once I lose my wiener.

♪♪(CHA CHA TWIST PLAYING)

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Let's do the twist ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Let's do the twist ♪

(BOTH LAUGHING)

♪ You look fine, yeah ♪

♪ When you go like this ♪

(GROANS)

♪ Tell me, baby ♪

(GROANING) ♪ Have you seen my sis? ♪

♪ Tell me, baby ♪

♪ Have you seen my sis? ♪

(YELLING)

♪ She knows how to rock ♪

(SCREAMING)

♪ And do the cha-cha twist ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Yeah, cha-cha-cha ♪

♪ Whoa, baby, cha-cha-cha ♪♪

My penis is really small now.

I can't really look cool right now.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville. This is the Tidal Wave.

(CLANGING)

(LANCE LAUGHING)

How'd it look?

It looked good.

You just got drenched.

(JOHNNY LAUGHING)

I don't even, like, pick a tattoo, like,

unless I'm pretty sure that people are gonna laugh every time they see it.

CAMERAMAN: Oh, my God, dude.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Like, how do you perform the fucking world's dumbest tattoo?

Fuck, man. At least I don't have to look at it, right?

My name is Henry Rollins and this is Off-Road Tattoo.

(BUZZING)

Yeah!

(LAUGHING)

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

This was designed to fuck you up!

(ALL SHOUTING)

You Christian motherfucker!

Ah!

It's a total smiley face, dude.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(METAL SCREECHING)

(BUZZING)

I just fully got a haircut just, like, a week ago.

CAMERAMAN: You're about to get many more.

Yeah, me, too. I am not doing it.

(BUZZING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

LANCE: Look at Ehren.

(GROANING)

Oh, shit!

So, we're finding it a little bit chilly in Japan.

We're gonna warm ourselves up with some fireworks.

Let's go, dude.

CAMERAMAN: Roll back there, just a bit.

CAMERAMAN: Oh, no! This is a bad angle. Switch.

JOHNNY: Oh, no, no, no.

Let's see.

Ow!

(ALL GIGGLING)

(ALL LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Like, an ember fell right in my corn hole, dude.

Double knot it but gently.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

You may think this next stunt is impossible.

CAMERAMAN: You gotta squat a little, Pontius.

JOHNNY: Every time!

MAN: Is Chris' dick shorter or...

STEVE-O: Yeah, it's a little shorter.

Keep it in! Hold it!

Stick

(ALL LAUGHING)

It almost hit Loomis in the face.

(SIGHING)

God damn, this is the BMX Tug-of-War.

♪♪(LET'S GET FUCKED UP PLAYING)

♪ Let's get fucked up ♪ Fuck!

♪ Let's get fucked up ♪

What a dumb-ass idea.

I'm surrounded by cacti.

For fuck's sake. MAN: Dude, it's a cactus.

It's cacti!

It's cactus.

Whatever it is, it hurts.

(HORN HONKING)

You wanna get up and cross?

This is the Yellow Snow Cone.

Pack it in there nice and tight.

Little cold out here. It might take a second. Oh! There we go.

CHRIS: I'm not even worried about the pee, I'm just worried about it

JOHNNY: Come on, you're missing the cone, dude!

I'm sorry. You're missing the cone!

CHRIS: You better eat that whole thing, too.

You gotta go eat that spot, too.

BAM: The male bonding...

Enjoy the snow cone.

WEE MAN: Oh, you just wasted a whole bunch!

CAMERAMAN: Just get that whole mouthful, right there. Keep going.

Keep going! Eat it!

Come on, it's your pee. Dude, swallow it!

WEEMAN: Oh, come on.

Hey, I'm trying. It's so cold.

Swallow it! Swallow it!

Oh, God.

Eat it! Eat it!

Swallow it, man! Don't... No, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no puking.

I'm doing it!

Don't look at it.

BAM: Dude, it's dripping out of the bottom.

Will you catch that, what's dripping out the bottom?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

BAM: That sucked.

JOHNNY: Kick yourself in the head, Wee Man.

This guy. He'll do anything just to look better.

(FAN BLOWING)

No, get away. Now what is?

Are you starting to lose your mind on that shit? Bam, stop it!

Now, you're getting crazy on this shit.

Ape!

He's starting to lose it!

Jesus Christ!

Ape, I need toilet paper!

Okay, this is called the Golf Course Airhorn.

When people tee off, when they're coming down with their, uh, swing,

we're gonna blow these airhorns.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(AIR HORN BLARES)

(JOHNNY SNICKERING)

(AIR HORN BLARES)

DIMITRY: Here she goes again. JOHNNY: No. Is it another one?

(AIR HORN BLARES)

DAVE: She still hit it really good.

(AIR HORN BLARES)

(JOHNNY LAUGHING)

(AIR HORN BLARES)

JOHNNY: Holy shit.

What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?

JOHNNY: Here, you've lost your club. Sorry.

Didn't I tell you I was gonna come over here and kick your ass for that?

What? I'm sorry. I got bursitis.

You got bursitis? Yeah.

So, that means you gotta play with a horn? It helps.

I'll give you something to play with, pal.

Sorry. It won't happen again.

(AIR HORN BLARES)

JOHNNY: Oh, fuck! DAVE: Shit. He's teeing off!

Get down! Get down! Oh, shit!

Get back. Get down, get down.

DIMITRY: Watch this! Wait. Wait.

DAVE: Get down, Dimitry.

(AIR HORN BLARES)

(HISSING)

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTS)

JOHNNY: Oh, these things are scary.

I'm Bam Margera. I'm Johnny Knoxville.

And we're gonna be burglars today.

JOHNNY: Oh, God!

Fuck! Get the diamonds!

Dude, I told you not to fall off the damn beam.

Turn around! Turn around!

Fuck!

LANCE: Oh, holy fuck!

JOHNNY: Idiot! What the fuck is that?

JOHNNY: Go!

LANCE: Holy fuck!

(LANCE LAUGHING)

CAMERAMAN: You all right? You okay?

I'm good. I'm good.

What'd you think happened right there? It's embarrassing.

I was barely halfway through the ceiling,

and you were already out the door.

You were really sprinting.

Really, guys in masks, I'm out.

I don't play. I don't play.

Is there any actual, like, real reason

why anyone would shove something up their ass like this?

No. I'm claiming predictions for this event.

CHRIS: Where's Ryan? Did you make them?

Number one, it's not getting in there.

Number two, even if it does, it's not staying in there.

Definitely no sitting down happening.

Number three, there's no way they're gonna believe that this is true.

So, you're saying it's...

I'm saying there's nothing I want more than for this to happen, but...

You don't want it to happen that much.

No, I really do. This is our original talent for this piece, by the way.

Yeah. I think that...

It's one of the first things I think I've ever seen you duck out on.

Oh, man, I am so glad I turned this idea down.

I'm so glad.

I'll probably use all of this before the end of the segment.

Uh, what else we got?

A condom. Thank you.

And, um, a little toy car.

Blue, it's my favorite color.

(LANCE) Let me see that. Dangle it.

(LANCE LAUGHING)

Look at the reservoir tip.

Now I'm lubing up...

CAMERAMAN: I can't see the car, Ryan.

...the little toy car, because I'm going to put it in my butt.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Be comfortable.

Hey, Ed's here for rescuing, dude.

You're here for making it a problem.

RYAN: All right, you're gonna watch this?

You're making me uncomfortable. Sorry.

I gotta get another job.

STEVE-O: Lube up your corn hole.

I am. I'm spackling.

BAM: "Spackling."

Heart rate's going up for sure!

Oh, dude, it hurts.

Your adrenaline's flowing, isn't it?

There's no getting around it, it fucking hurts like hell.

Come on in, Manny.

You're just in time, Manny.

RYAN: Oh, Manny. Tell me I'm a man.

STEVE-O: Hey, man, he's got it...

It feels so goddamn gross.

This is totally insane.

It's in, dude.

It's in? Yeah.

Let's see. Oh, fuck!

I feel like I have to shit my ass.

STEVE-O: Is there anything in tap?

BAM: You said that you didn't want to do it

because your dad would disown you?

Well, I mean, it wasn't that.

You drank wine off of a dude's ass crack.

My dad never saw that. I never told him that, you know.

I was gonna do this and I was like, "Dad"

I was like, "Dad, we're going hard these days,

"and there's some ideas floating around."

I just mentioned the--the car in the butt.

My dad, like... The only time in my life I ever heard my dad, like...

You know, it's like when your parents say,

"I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed," you know.

Like, that hurts so much more, you know?

Fucking rad.

BAM: Look at him walk.

STEVE-O: Dunn's gonna win, dude.

I'm not too excited about this skit.

It's not my favorite I've ever done,

because there's a toy car in my butt.

But this is the Butt X-ray.

I think I need an x-ray.

WOMAN: Antoine? Yes?

How you doing? Pretty good.

I'm Ryan, and this is... What can I do for you?

I was partying last night with some frat guys.

I passed out. I must've fallen down and broken something,

'cause I haven't been able to walk right since.

We're gonna take x-ray now, to be sure. Okay.

Take a...

Oh, okay.

This is comfy.

Hold your breath. Don't move.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

What is that?

RYAN: I have no idea.

That's not part of you. That's something extra.

I would've known if I ate that.

No. You--you wouldn't be able to swallow that.

That is a car toy.

Well, how did a car toy get there?

Maybe you stuck it up your ass.

I didn't stick anything up my ass.

Have you ever seen anything like that?

No, I never seen that in there.

I've seen a toy car all over, but, no, never in somebody's rectum.

You can't get it out? You don't have... No.

I'm a physician, but I practice this, x-ray, only.

You think maybe I can just, you know, poop it out?

You won't be able to poop it out.

In fact, it will hurt you.

In fact, I don't think it's even good for you that you poop it out.

CAMERAMAN: What will happen if you take Ex-Lax? Will that help?

No, if he takes Ex-Lax,

well, he gets a lot of diarrhea, but no car.

I appreciate it. Thank you for taking care of me.

Okay. Thanks again.

He's alive!

Oh, Johnny Knoxville. He made it.

Oh, there is a God. Oh, please.

And at last! I thought it would never...

This is the end! Oh, thank you, Jesus!

Oh, child!

Let's see it! Let's see it!

Not that bad.

(ALL GROANING)

♪♪(HYBRID MOMENTS PLAYING)

(AIR HORN BLARING)

♪ Moments like this never last ♪

(WHOOPING)

♪ When do creatures rape your face ♪

♪ Hybrids opened up the door ♪

(GRUNTING)

♪ Ooh, baby, when you cry ♪

♪ Your face is momentary ♪

♪ You hide your looks behind these scars ♪

Oh, shit!

JOHNNY: Oh, fuck!

♪ Give me a moment ♪

♪ Give me a moment ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, when you cry ♪

♪ Your face is momentary ♪

♪ You hide your looks behind these scars ♪

Bam, what the...

(SNARLING)

♪ In hybrid moments ♪

♪ In hybrid moments ♪

♪ In hybrid moments ♪

♪ Give me a moment ♪

♪ Give me a moment ♪♪

Whose dick do I gotta suck

to get some explosions around here?

♪♪(FLESH INTO GEAR PLAYING)

♪ I can't expect you to see me ♪

♪ When I'm not around ♪

♪ And my voice is destroyed ♪

♪ By confinement of sound ♪

♪ I'm a human machine ♪

♪ Laced with hidden disease ♪

♪ If the future looks bleak ♪

♪ Then you're connected to me ♪

♪ Flesh into gear ♪

♪ My self appears dissected and pretentious ♪

♪ A simple sound, a heavy sigh ♪

♪ Could win the whole world over ♪

♪ You live in fear of being someone you didn't want ♪

It's got a boner.

♪ I realize your insecurities ♪

♪ Will get the best of you ♪♪

Oh! Oh, fuck!

GIRL: That's a man.

(GRUNTS)

Gator wrestling.

(SCREECHING)

For fuck's sake, come here! Hurry up. Hurry up.

Hurry!

We wanted to see if you would run here with a car up your ass.

No, I ain't running anywhere.

It's scary enough to walk.

You're nice. You're a good man.

♪♪(IF YOU'RE GONNA BE DUMB PLAYING)

Want to come over for dinner?

No, that's okay. You know how to operate it now?

Yeah, I think so. I think so.

♪ If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough ♪

I need help. Yeah.

♪ When you get knocked down, you gotta get back up ♪

♪ I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer ♪

♪ But I know enough to know ♪

♪ If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough ♪

The smiley face is a complete crucial.

What did I say?

BAM: Fuck. Fuck.

I didn't say the "F" word. Yeah, you did. You said "fuck."

Don't worry, we'll bleep it. I did? Can we cut that out?

♪ And I had dudes with badges frisk me ♪

WOMAN: It's all right. It looks fine. It looks normal.

♪ To teach me how to swallow pride ♪

♪ I took advice no fool would take ♪

I think it says "fuck" on my forehead.

They don't have a tail?

No! They must have...

(FARTING) ♪ I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer ♪

♪ But I know enough to know ♪

♪ If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough ♪

CAMERAMAN: Show him the x-ray.

♪ If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough ♪

I mean, trust me, dude, I'm not unimpressed.

♪ That's the way it is in life and love ♪

♪ If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough ♪

♪ If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough ♪♪

Fuck!

The next time, we can do Son of Jackass.

Son

♪♪(O FORTUNA PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, dude.

(LAUGHS)

(ANNOUNCER READING)