Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM RINGING)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZING)

(EXPLOSION)

(HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow, Louis, nice suit of armor.

Well, thanks.

Oh, you look so cool.

Thank you, Tawny.

Twitty, ever since I saw the thing on the Internet

it's been my dream to get that suit of armor.

(RUSTLING)

Yeah, but how are you going to go to the bathroom?

Well, it's got to have, like, a trapdoor or something.

If not, we'll sew in a zipper. It's not a big deal.

Twitty, it's a suit of armor.

The thing has endless possibilities.

Say you're having dinner, right

and your dad spills scalding-hot minestrone on you.

Oh, my gosh, that minestrone's scalding hot!

Thank goodness you thought to get that suit of armor.

But, the guy who's selling it...

He's making these outrageous demands.

(RUSTLING)

He wants you to pay for it, huh?

That's a bummer, man.

Twitty, someone's been watching us.

Where?

No, listen, listen, stop looking!

He's over there.

On the count of three.

One, two...

There he is! Aha!

We found him!

(SCREAMING)

REN: Okay, um...

I guess we'll get started

even though we're short one short person.

Um, on Saturday several of my girlfriends

they will be sleeping over, and...

Hey guys, I'm starving

so I'm going to fire up a batch of corn chalupas

so, man, if you guys want some, right here.

You are late. Grab a chair.

Wait, is this fair?

I would do what she says.

What!?

Hmm, a slumber party.

Boy, that really takes me back.

(CHUCKLES) Slumber party, no, no.

(LAUGHS)

A slumber party is for two-year-olds, Mom. Um...

This is a young women's all-night forum.

Sorry, my bad.

Paragraph three:

"Parents are prohibited from using 'hip' lingo."

I'll make sure she keeps it real.

What?

Ren, you know what?

If you guys want any advice

on facials or makeovers.

I'm your man.

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

What are you doing?

I was making a quality cucumber shake, here.

Not on my time.

Now, I love you all very much.

Dearly, yes, I do

but you're just not going to be here on Saturday, okay?

Not a problem.

Your mom and I have tickets to a chamber music concert.

DONNIE: Oh, I won't be here either.

I have a date, so... Good, this is great.

And you, cucumber boy...

Will definitely not be here Saturday night.

Why would I want to be around a bunch of lame girls?

Tell me, huh? I don't think so.

I'm sleeping at Twitty's, thank you.

Twitty, what would you pay

to see how girls really act when guys aren't around?

Probably like half a million dollars.

Yeah, well, I'm thinking, like, ten bucks.

Yeah, I don't have that either.

My friend, tickets go on sale tomorrow

to see Ren and her pajama buddies on closed circuit TV.

The title will be, "Welcome to the Secret World of Girls."

- Sweet. - Yeah.

Come Monday

I'll be clanking down the hallway

in my shiny suit of armor.

Oh, dude, you know, you should get, like

one of those white horses, too, 'cause that'd be so sweet.

In time, buddy, in time.

- (WHISPERING) Twitty. - What?

You know that kid? He's in our window.

- He's in our window? - Don't look, don't look.

Count of three, all right?

Be calm... One, two...

(SCREAMING)

Grab his little ankles!

- He's trying to bite my forehead! - Oh, jeez!

Oh, wow, it's two tough guys

who caught a little kid.

Hey, we'll do the talking, squirt.

Okay, so why were you spying on us?

None of your beeswax.

Ohh... I hate kids that say beeswax, man.

Yes, that's enough of that.

All right, kid, who you working for, huh? Ren?

Principal Wexler, maybe?

Never heard of them.

- So where do you live, kid? - In a house.

Oh, we got a little wise guy here, do we?

I eat wise guys like you for breakfast, all right?

Now, we got work to do

so why don't you go outside

and play with your little friends?

Yeah.

I just moved here.

Can't I hang out with you guys?

I don't have any friends.

Aw, well then make up some imaginary ones.

They never let you down.

Hey, you want to hear a joke?

No.

Okay, there's a pirate on a ship

and the ship was a rockin' and a rollin'...

We said scram, twerp.

Fine, I don't need you guys.

(SOBBING)

Nobody likes me.

Dude, what'd you do, man?

You made the kid cry.

Oh, this kid's good.

This kid's real good.

This is one of the top three fake cries I've ever heard

and two of them belong to me.

Thanks.

I've got skills.

Yeah.

What's your name, kid?

Bernard.

Bernard.

I don't like it.

Me neither.

Well, from now on, your name is Beans.

Why Beans?

Kid, a nickname is not supposed to be logical, see?

It's supposed to be fun.

Hey, just run with it, Beans.

Beans.

RUBY: The girls are really looking forward to this weekend.

It's going to be so much fun.

I know.

And, as sort of party insurance

I've broken down the night into manageable segments

or what I like to call "fun modules."

Okay.

I just hope you don't have anything boring planned

like a book discussion.

Now why would I do that?

Oh...

Can you help me here?

Okay, we need chips, we need dip, we need tons of makeup.

We need to go shopping.

All right, Operation Girl Watch begin.

Why do we want to watch girls?

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, kid...

Do you know what happens when a boy becomes a man?

What?

Well, what happens...

Is this, my friend.

Gross!

Yep.

Okay.

Let's do this.

All right, come on.

Yeah, what's up, dude!

Beans, check this out.

What are you doing? Beans, no.

Stop that, Beans. Thank you.

Stop that, Beans.

Check it out, check it out!

Big pay-per-view.

See The Secret World of Girls!

Once in a lifetime, get your flyers here!

Right here, check it out!

Oh, sorry, gentlemens only.

Check it out, check it out!

Big pay-per-view!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Coming.

- Twitty. - Hello, Ren.

I'm here to pick up Louis and walk him to my house

where we spend the night safely away from you.

Oh, hello, Alan.

Are you here to pick me up and walk me back to your house

where I spend the night safely away from Ren?

Yes, that is precisely why I'm here.

Okay.

Okay, something's up.

Ren, when you can't trust your own brother, this hurts.

Open the pack.

There is nothing in my pack except for

a toothbrush and a pair of fresh undies.

Or, it could possibly be rolled-up newspaper

just to make me think that

you were going to go over to his house, sleep over

then come back here and ruin my party!

Ren, that is crazy talk.

- Ren... - Let's just see about that, shall we?

What is this?

A toothbrush and a pair of fresh undies, Ren.

Have to admit, this hurts.

Louis, the backpack, fresh undies.

Man, that was a nice touch.

Twitty, I find myself

not only growing older but wiser.

Ren, I'm here.

This is going to be so much fun!

(SQUEALING)

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Twitty!

This is going to be so much fun!

Is my shirt straight? Am I looking...?

Yeah, you look good.

It's all ready.

What's up, man?

There you go.

Have fun.

Hello, gentlemen.

Welcome to the Secret World of Girls.

Ten bucks a head, payable to my associate, Mr. Twitty.

Enjoy yourselves.

Hey, guys. How's it going?

You guys can all just fill in

these seats right around here.

It should be a really good good show tonight.

Yes. Hey, Ryan.

This better be good, Stevens.

Ryan, hey...

You may have arrived here an angry young man

but trust me... you will leave a happy one.

Have a seat... any seat.

Who should I make this out to?

You got your own checking account, Tom?

You don't?

Hey, everyone.

I'd really like to welcome you

to my first annual Young Women's All-Night Forum.

Or, as I like to call it, a slumber party!

Whoo! You scared me there for a second, Ren.

I had heard we were going to do book discussions.

Oh, book disc...? No.

Who does that?

This looks like it's going to be f-u-n, fun.

Oh, okay.

What shall we do first?

Give each other oatmeal masks

or play "Light as a Feather"?

Hear that, guys? "Light as a Feather."

What is that?

Come on, you know.

"Feathers." "Babes."

Come on, you do the math. (LAUGHS)

REN: (ON TV) Okay, everyone let's go upstairs.

Oh, no, don't go upstairs.

Hey, where are all the ladies going?

ALL: Yeah!

Man, I didn't pay ten bucks to watch an empty room.

ALL: Yeah! Yeah!

Uh...

Guys, chill out!

Just chill out.

They're probably upstairs.

They'll be back down, man.

In the meantime, help yourself to some fondue.

Forget the food.

Where are the girls?

Yeah. Bring on the babes.

ALL: (CHANTING) Babes! Babes!

Great news!

My mom said I could stay here as long as I want!

Beans, how did u get past the electric fence?

Louis... Beans, get out of my house!

You got to do something, okay?

'Cause they're turning into an angry mob.

- Okay? Okay? - All right, I got you.

All right. Hey.

Hey, you guys like card tricks?

Was this your card?

No.

Is that your card?

No.

All right.

This one for sure, guys, huh?

Is that your card?

No, and you've been through the deck twice.

The babes are back.

Hmm. Wardrobe change.

Okay, let's play a game, shall we?

Okay, this is called "College Interview."

Now, I will be the Dean of Admissions

and you guys will be the hopeful applicants.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, that must be the chancellor now.

Hey. What's up?

Um... I was just wondering if Louis was home.

No, no, no. He's over at Twitty's.

Oh, I was... I was just over there

and nobody's home.

Hmm. That's highly suspicious.

They probably went out for pizza or something.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's hope so.

Come here.

Dude, that was close, man.

Yes.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, so, a couple of the girls are over.

You want to hang out?

Yeah. Sure. Why not?

Hey, guys, you know Tawny.

Hey, Tawny.

Hi.

So, Ren, we found another game.

It's called "The One Thing You Would Never Want a Boy to Know."

We all go around the room, and we say the one thing

that would be totally humiliating if a boy ever heard it.

(CHEERING)

Come on.

(BOYS CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

Dude, this is gold.

That suit of armor is mine.

Tawny, you're new. Go first.

Okay. Um...

Okay, this is really, really really gross

but I can belch really, really, really loud.

Do it.

Okay. Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

(LOUD BELCH)

(BELCH CONTINUES)

(BOYS GROANING DISGUSTEDLY)

She's awesome.

Okay, okay, okay, Monique.

Your turn.

Well, I once had this dream

that I was on a desert island with Ryan Sailpepper.

Dude, that's you, man.

I know, shut up.

MONIQUE: (ON TV) Okay, anyway...

I can't believe I'm saying this

but there we were, stranded.

So, finally, we turn to each other and...

(AUDIO DROPS OUT)

BOYS: What? What?

ALL: (GROANING) No!

What happened to the sound?

Yeah, what's up with that?

Well?

Guys...

Gentlemen, we are experiencing

some technical difficulties

but, uh, I assure you that the problem will be

diagnosed and corrected.

Sacramento, we have a problem.

What is going on?

Somebody must have bumped the cable.

What cable?

The one right there.

(STATIC CRACKLES)

Guys, it's just a wire problem.

All she needs to be is plugged in, that's all.

Oh, yeah, right, Louis, like you're just

going to waltz in there in front

of all those girls and plug it in?

Shut up, kid.

Louis is trying to think.

What are you thinking?

REN: All right, girls, cucumber time.

I don't have any on me.

(MARTIAL DRUM BEAT PLAYS)

(STIRRING MILITARY MARCH PLAYS)

I'm thinking about a secret mission.

And there's only one man right for the job.

Is he a young boy about... my size?

Beansy, you're always one step

ahead of me, buddy.

Okay.

This is our ventilation system.

This is your starting point.

You'll walk through here

up through here, down through here.

That's the easy part.

Well, you all know Stacey Havansau's little brother, Mike?

Well, last summer, he and I went to summer camp...

LOUIS: Guys, slow down.

Guys, easy. Guys, easy.

No, Beans, no.

Beans, no!

(GIRL MURMURS)

Brassy, very brassy.

RUBY: well, that's what happened with me and Mike.

TAWNY: Wow, that's really great.

Yeah, that's so sweet.

That is sweet.

You know, if guys understood that

then they would understand everything.

- Oh, yeah, definitely. - REN: I know.

(APPLAUSE)

All right. Yeah, Beans.

Way to go, Beans. That's the way, dude.

I'll never forget this. You're one of the guys now.

Thanks, Louis.

Yes, sir.

(SIGHS) Oh, all right.

Okay, back to the joke.

So, the ship was a-rocking and a-rolling.

And I fell off the ship...

Hey, Stevens, this kid is freaking me out.

- I want my money back. - Beans, hit the road.

You're freaking out the customers.

- But you said... - Twitty!

I'm on it.

You can't do this to me.

You said I was one of the guys.

Beans, it's nothing personal. It's strictly business.

Be quiet! They're playing "Rate the Guys."

RUBY: (ON TV) Okay, so...

on a scale of one to ten, Tom Gribalski?

Come on, ladies, show me a seven.

Okay, you're not going to believe this

but I would give Tom a... (DOORBELL RINGS)

Curse the timing!

REN: (ON TV) I'll get it.

Excuse me.

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

Hey, uh, what's Beans doing there?

Why did he just do that?

I.. I'm a four. I... I know it.

No, Beans.

No, Beans! Don't do it, Beans.

(INAUDIBLE)

Where did the girls go?

Run!

Let me out!

No! Let me out!

Let me out! Let me out!

Let me out!

REN: No, you don't.

Oh, no, you don't.

(SCREAMS)

Come back here. Sit down.

Sit down. Sit down.

- All right, all right. - Sit! Sit!

- Okay, I'm... - No! Sit down.

I'm done, I'm done, I'm done.

Hello, ladies, how are you today?

"Secret World of Girls?"

I've never seen that before in my life.

Ladies?

We are going to play the most fun game ever.

(LOUIS GRUNTS)

Hi.

Oh, hey, Mom, how was the symphony?

Well, the only symphony I heard was your father snoring.

Well, at least I was in tune.

Hey, how was your party?

Well?

We're giving Louise here a makeover.

Yep.

She is going to be a new woman.

EILEEN: I'm sure

she's just going to turn out beautifully.

Uh, if you need anything, we'll be upstairs.

- Honey. - Oh, good night. Kisses.

(MUFFLED CRIES)

MONIQUE: Ren, I had my doubts, but you sure know how

- to throw a slumber party. - Mmm.

Girls, wait!

This is cruel and inhuman.

(MUFFLED) Yes, it is.

Yes, and so fun.

- (ALL LAUGHING) - Take it off me.

Oh, oh, what's that, little brother?

You want another facial, huh?

Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

Coming right up.

(MUFFLED CRIES)

Ah...!

And I had a great time tonight, too.

(MUFFLED MUMBLING)

Hey, Lou?

Don't keep that stuff on your face too long

you'll get real itchy, okay?

Hey, can I call you back when I get done brushing my teeth?

I'm sorry I ratted you out.

I'd untie you, but I know you'd really hurt me.

(MUFFLED CRIES)

You want to hear a joke?

(MUMBLES)

Okay, there was a pirate on the ship.

And the ship was a-rocking and a-rolling.

And I fell off me ship.

And a killer whale came and bit off me leg.

And I said to him, "How'd you get the hook?"

And he said...

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)