Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

(upbeat guitar music)

(sword unsheathing)

- You look like the goddamn Village People.

- How about giving us a couple minutes

to change next time?

- No time, let's go.

- I can't go with you.

- You can't stay here.

Alright girlie, you're on.

And try not to give us away.

- Oh sure, smashing down gates is okay

but heaven forbid a lack of subtlety on my part.

- You're doing that with an iPhone?

- There's an app for that.

(beeping)

- Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Come on.

- [Voiceover] Uh Harry, do you know if they have a...

- Mikey.

What have I told you?

No talking on a mission.

- [Mikey] Is it okay to talk now?

(alarm going off)

- Goddamn it, Mikey!

Let's split up!

Get to the lab.

- Hold on.

We can take him.

- No we can't.

- Screw you Harry, I...

- Run like hell, Mikey!

- Mikey, over here, over here.

- Oh oh, wait a second, where's Harry?

We can't leave without Harry,

we can't leave...

(growling noises)

- Get outta here.

- just close, close, close.

Whoa whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop.

- About time.

- Move it, move it, professional coming through,

I can type like a motherfucker.

(heavy metal music)

Oh my god.

- They're so hot.

- You know, if she bit my neck right now

she wouldn't get anything

because it's all in my...

Got it!

- So what the hell are we gonna do now?

- We're gonna stick to the plan.

- Like what?

These doors are gonna keep 'em out?

- The entire room's reinforced.

It's gonna give us a few minutes.

How much time do we have?

- A few minutes.

- I don't know, I don't think we have a few minutes.

- Guys.

He's here.

- This wasn't supposed to happen.

- Not my fault.

- What do you mean it's not your fault?

You're in charge of the mission,

it is your responsibility

for the safety of everyone involved.

- It's a suicide mission, people die.

- You never told me it was a suicide mission!

- All of our missions are suicide missions!

And by the way, if you want to blame someone, blame Mikey.

Which reminds me,

if you want to make your stupid little movies, that's fine.

But when I tell you no talking on a mission,

I mean no talking on a mission!

People are dead because of you!

- It's not Mikey's fault.

It's her fault.

- I got an idea.

- What the hell is that?

- Shut the fuck up!

(loud thud)

Time to go.

- Oh wait a second, it's not done copying

ah yeah, okay, we're fucked.

- Where the hell are we gonna go?

- Anywhere but here in two minutes.

It's all about the shrapnel.

- Trash chute?

- Body disposal, you got a better idea?

- Screw it.

I ain't going out that way.

I'd rather take my chances with the bimbo.

- I heard that!

- Susan!

- Well thank god that's over with!

I am outta here.

(laughing)

- Dragos.

Or should I say, George.

- You fucked up this time, Harry.

- You're the one who's gonna get fucked up,

cause I'm gonna hurt you with my sword!

Oh shit!

Help, anybody?

- Damn it, get in there.

Mikey, come on!

- It's okay guys, I got it covered.

Damn it!

- Dragos!

(alarm going off)

- Shit!

- Dragos, what the fuck!

- Come on Mikey, jump!

(loud explosion)

- Mikey, are you okay?

(whimpering)

(muffled scream)

(chuckling)

- Burn you bastard!

- Dad, we gotta go!

- We've got it.

This son of a bitch is gonna save us all.

(disco music)

- Excuse me, can we...

(speaking Spanish)

- Yeah, yeah, no sure.

Yeah, it's two dollars.

(speaking Spanish)

- I know who you are.

You're in a movie.

Mata Vampiros.

- Mata Vampiros, yeah.

- Vampslayer, I have all your movies.

I have Vampslayer,

I have Vampslayer Dos: The Stakening.

- Stakening, yeah, yeah.

- Yes, this Mata Vampiros!

You say...

You need money?

- No, no, no, no, no, guys.

No, no, no, no, it's okay, no it's okay.

(loud arguing)

Excuse me, I gotta go.

I'll be back, alright?

- Para la foto?

This is why there's no Vampslayer Tres.

- Know what dude?

No that's it, I'm outta here.

Freakin' Captain Underoos stole my tour group again.

- Captain Underoos?

What are you supposed to be, Crackhead Elmo?

- Fuck this, you know what I'm outta here.

- Every weekend.

- Jim, look.

Hey Jim, where you going?

- I'm done, I'm done.

I'm two months behind on my rent,

my agent hasn't called me in three years,

and Julia fucking left me for Spongebob.

- Ah, shit.

Look dude I know it sucks, but you can't just give up.

- Why?

Why Bob, please tell me why.

Give me one fucking good reason.

Because, look at me.

Look at me, look at you, look at us,

we're too old for this shit.

I mean if this is living the dream

than we need to wake the hell up.

You know what, fuck this I'm going back to Detroit.

- Jim.

- I'm walking here!

(honking)

Lick my sweaty balls!

- Jim!

- Alas poor Elmo.

I knew him.

I'm sorry, can I help you?

My name is Mikey.

Hi Mikey, can I help you?

What's a matter, can't you talk?

Oh, sorry.

We need your help.

Really, you need my help?

- [Voiceover] Because I'm gonna hurt you with my sword!

- Wait a second, is this that reality show I submitted for

a couple of weeks ago, "The Chosen One"?

So, they need my help?

Didn't they already cast a lead?

So who'd they get?

What?

What is this, part of the show?

Showtime.

Hello?

- Oh.

(staple gun clicking)

- Okay, I don't know which is more disturbing.

- Vampslayer!

We meet again.

- Where's the girl?

(laughing)

- I'll answer all of your questions

after we rest and have sex.

(clearing throat)

- Well if it ain't the Vampslayer.

Figures, right at the best part.

Not quite what I expected.

He's tall.

So, did Mikey show you the footage?

- Yeah, looks like fun.

- What if I told you, you were the Chosen One..

- Kinda gotta admit, I already knew.

Yeah, Mikey told me.

- Did Mikey also tell you that you're the one

who's going to determine the fate of mankind

by leading us to victory over the legions of evil?

- Sure, sounds cool.

Ah, I just have to ask you is this a union show?

- No show, no script.

Just them, us,

and this.

See sunlight, stake through the heart, garlic,

holy water, none of it works anymore.

Now the only thing that will kill the bastards is this.

Took this one off the first one I killed.

Virtually indestructible.

- Woah, woah.

Hey, a little heads up would've been nice.

- Pretty good reflexes for someone who's never been bit.

- Sorry, what?

- Let's see how you handle this.

- Oh, woah.

- Harry!

- Well I guess the Vampslayer can handle a real sword.

- Hey, listen.

If you want to choreograph something, fine,

but I'm not sparring with three feet of live steel.

- Choreograph?

You don't need choreography,

you need balls the size of grapefruits.

- Look, you can take someone's head off

with this thing, alright?

- That's kind of the point, Einstein.

I tell you what, attack me.

- I don't, I don't...

- Come on, attack me!

- I don't wanna attack you.

- Come on pussy, what do you think you're gonna hurt me?

- Look, that's not helping.

You know, you don't have to...

- You know what you need?

A little more inspiration.

- Jesus christ.

- Now that's a weapon.

- Woah, woah.

Okay, done, done.

I may be hard up for work, but this is crazy.

- What are you gonna quit?

- Goodbye.

Goodbye, goodbye.

Thank you for your consideration.

- You can't quit, you're the Chosen One.

Oh yeah, like it's my fault.

- Bob.

Bob, can you wait please?

Look, I'm sorry about my dad.

- What, that's your dad?

Well, I'm sorry for you.

- Okay, he's crazy.

I know that, trust me.

But just come back in and I can explain everything.

- Susan!

Get back in here.

- Uh...

- Really?

- You know, really, I gotta go.

I'm sorry.

- Come on, come on, get in.

- Woah, woah.

What are you doing?

- Just give me ten minutes.

Look, I can explain everything.

- Susan, get back here!

- Okay, now listen...

- Just drive, drive, go, go, go now.

- Susan!

(spanish music)

- Nice place.

Sure you don't want a drink?

- Not yet.

- So um, why is he still filming?

- Oh, Mikey?

- Mhm.

- Nah, he's harmless.

- What, like your dad?

What's his problem, too much caffeine?

- Rabies.

- What really, rabies?

- It's a specific type of rabies.

It's complicated.

Affects certain people by making them stronger,

and faster.

- More psychotic.

- Sorry about my dad.

- Nah, forget it.

Actually it's not the worst audition I've had.

To be honest, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

But then I saw your dad's casting notice

and I thought wow this sounds like the role of a lifetime.

Idiot.

- Casting notice?

No we found your name in a medical database.

My dad, he needs you.

- Your dad tried to kill me.

- I need you.

I've been locked in that warehouse for two weeks.

My dad he tries or tried to teach me how to defend myself,

warn me about cell phones and people following me,

but I know that he can't protect us anymore.

- Protect you against what?

- I've gotta go.

- What?

Okay, let her go, let her go.

Idiot.

Hold on, look.

At least let me give you a ride alright?

Oh, I am so not a drinker.

- Maybe I should call you a cab.

- Who the hell are you?

- I'll drive.

- No, no I got this.

- Holy shit.

(laughing)

Okay, look we can't go back to the warehouse.

- Well I guess we could go back to my place.

Truck, truck, truck!

(crashing sounds)

Whoa, I am not drunk enough for this.

Right here, right here.

Okay good, good, good, good, good,

stop, stop, stop, stop.

Alright, well that was terrifying.

- Sorry, my dad taught me how to drive

but I'm just a little bit nervous right now.

Oh man, I am so glad to be out of that warehouse.

Hey, do you have something to drink?

- Yeah, we probably have something in the kitchen,

hold on I'll get you something.

- Oh no, it's cool.

You stay.

I'll get it.

- Now I thought you weren't drinking?

- I said not yet.

Now is yet.

- I have five after yet.

Want something to eat?

Oh I think Mikey has a suggestion.

- I've gotta go.

Thank you.

- Look, I don't know what's going on with you guys,

and I don't need to know but,

look if you need a place to crash, it's okay.

You guys can stay here.

- I've gotta go.

- You sure?

- Yeah, thanks.

(kissing and moaning)

- Man, I heard about the casting couch.

Are you still trying to get me to help you,

because it's totally working.

Oh wow, you're really strong.

Uh oh, hey we got a visitor, um, Mikey?

You know you can stop that anytime

- I can't stop.

- Oh, wow.

Oh yeah, oh that kinda hurts.

Ow, ow, ow.

Stop it!

What the fuck!

- I am so sorry.

- Oh my god.

Sorry?

Sorry is what you say when you knock over

someone's ice tea, you just bit the crap outta my neck.

- Oh, well I feel really terrible about it.

- Aw, you feel terrible?

How do you think I feel?

I feel pain.

(loud crash)

- Bitch, where is he?

- Who the fuck are you?

Woah!

- Where is Harry?

- I don't know.

- Don't you lie to me!

You know, you and your father

have been an extreme pain in my ass.

- Hey.

I don't know who you are,

but get the hell outta my house!

- Somebody needs to teach the livestock

how to keep their mouth shut.

- This one's mine.

- No!

He's mine.

- Oh really?

- Prove it.

- I'm sorry.

- Daddy's little girl is all grown up.

Oh, you're getting this on video too.

Wow, Susan you are one cold hearted little bitch.

I like that.

You know, I turned you to just to piss your dad off,

but now I think I'm falling in love.

It's too bad nobody else is going to get to see this.

Carl.

- No!

Don't you touch him.

Run Mikey!

- I'm ready for my close up!

(screams of pain)

- Come on.

- I'm so tired.

- Yeah, I know, it's okay.

Mikey.

Shit.

Is he still bleeding?

Damnit Mikey, can't you just talk?

You gotta stop the bleeding.

Dad.

I know I'm not supposed to call you but,

I messed up.

- His pulse is barely there.

He's lost a lot of blood.

We need to get him in now, and get the orderly.

- Okay.

- Woah, woah, woah, woah.

Hey stop, stop, stop.

I can't let you back there.

I don't even know who you people are.

Back up, Xena.

- Aye, so what seems to be the emergency?

- The patient suffered an injury to his throat

but I can't seem to find the wound anymore.

- Let me guess you're new here, ya?

Alright, I will take care of this.

Thank you, bye bye.

Friend of yours, Mikey?

- Am I gonna die?

- No, perhaps a better question is

are you going to, let me see, let me see.

Are you going to un-die?

Well, the good news is

the bleeding has stopped.

But I must perform one more test.

This is okay, ya?

- Yeah, whatever.

- Okay, let me the see the arm here and...

(scream)

What?

- You stabbed me!

- Stop being a big baby.

No extra charge, I'm a doctor, I know what I'm doing here.

Okay, now let's see.

- No.

- Let's see! - No, no!

Ow.

- Amazing.

See?

The bleeding is gone already.

- I've never seen it work so fast.

Now, you're going to feel weak for several hours,

and then you may experience

some interesting side effects.

Now, what you need to do is

avoid red meat, and then you take

a couple of these every day,

and you will be fine.

There you go.

- What's this?

- Garlic pills.

They help mask the scent,

they go after you faster if they know you have been bitten.

- Wait, they?

Who are they?

- Uh, you will take care of these for him Mikey?

Thank you very much.

Now I am also forced to give you these pamphlets,

I find them horribly...

- Vampires suck?

Wait, are you saying I'm a vampire?

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

You see, if you have been completely drained,

and then the virus would have taken over,

then it would've been a completely different story.

- So the person who bit me is...

- Is a vampire, yeah.

It's all in the pamphlet.

What was that?

- It's just a chill, it's chilly in here.

Hairs on the back the neck, you know...

- No, you go.

You must go now.

Go, go, go now.

- What, why?

What, what?

- You be careful.

And you may want to pay more attention

to those chills from now on.

- Doctor Hansen.

How nice to see you again.

- You are not supposed to be here.

The Red Cross Edict of 1863 prohibits...

- I am fully aware of the parameters

of the edict, Doctor.

I was at the signing.

- You gonna stab me?

- Me?

Of course not.

- What are you, an administrator?

- In a manner of speaking.

Could you tell me what happened?

- From where?

Uh, oh yeah sure, well...

This afternoon I broke up a fight

between a muppet and a superhero,

and then I got attacked by some lunatic with an axe

who kept calling me the "Chosen One",

then I hooked up with his daughter

who bit the crap out of my neck.

- He called you the "Chosen One"?

- Yeah, freaky huh?

What the hell?

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, it's just a chill the Doctor was talking about.

- Uh, I've got some business to attend to,

but I'm gonna be back shortly.

To continue our little conversation.

- Screw this, I'm outta here.

And no, you're not coming with me.

Stay.

- Mikey.

How is he?

- [Voiceover] Susan!

- Shit.

- Susan!

- Hey, I'm gonna have to ask you to...

- Susan!

Susan, I know you're here!

(sniffing)

- Mac and Cheese?

- Vincent.

What the hell are you doing here?

- What happened?

- That bitch Susan.

I know she's here.

I could smell her a mile away.

- Charming, but there's far more important issues

than your latest fling with the rival camp sweetheart.

They found the Chosen One.

- You're bleeding me.

- I bleed you not, my friend.

And they made a copy of the data before

they destroyed the mainframe.

- Well then we'll find Harry

and his little bitch and we'll tear them apart

until we get the data.

And then I'm gonna find that little frickin' Chosen One,

I'm gonna crush his skull until his friggin' eyes pop out.

(screaming)

(laughing)

- He's such a diva.

(laughing)

- I hate those things.

Where's Bob?

Mikey did you see him?

Mikey, come on, get in.

Oh there he is, there he is.

Bob, Bob!

Hey!

Get in the car.

Bob, you gotta get in the car, come on,

it's not safe out here.

- Did you really just say that?

Did you honestly just say that?

I'm pretty sure it's not safe in the car

because you're in it!

- Bob, I'm sorry!

- Oh how 'bout this,

how 'bout, this being my car,

why don't you two get out!

C'mon.

- Bob, you okay?

- Take me home.

- Bob, that's a really bad idea.

- Take me home, please.

Just want to wake up in the morning

and stand on a corner in a stupid chicken suit.

Please.

I don't feel good.

Thanks, ow.

- Oh no.

- Oh crap, what the hell.

- I knew this was a bad idea.

- I don't feel good.

I just wanted to go home, this sucks.

- Excuse me sir.

What you doing here?

- I live here.

- Really?

How about you step out of the car.

- Damn it.

- What?

- Damn it.

- Woah, what are you doing?

- I don't know.

Shit.

(police siren)

- I think we lost him.

You alright?

Just slow down, slow down.

Look out, look out

(loud crash)

- Oh, he's back. - Holy crap.

Oh, back it up, backin up would be good.

- Get off the car!

- Look out!

(loud crash)

(car won't start)

You smell gas?

- Mikey?

Get out.

(explosion)

- Oh.

Oh, my car.

No.

You okay?

Are you alright?

What, what?

- You're gonna have to fight him.

- I'm gonna have to fight who?

- You can do this.

- I can do what?

Ow.

Son of a bitch!

- Are you okay?

- No, he shot me!

(gunshots)

Stop it!

Woah, woah, okay, alright.

Let's be cool.

Did you see that?

Hey Mikey, can you rewind that?

Just a little bit, I just wanted to see...

You okay?

- Bob.

Undead, not dead.

(honking)

- Woo, you guys see that?

You guys, anybody?

Holy crap, are you okay?

Are you alright?

What's wrong?

- It's those fucking pills.

Okay.

We gotta get outta here.

- Here, I gotcha.

- No, please, oh god, please don't touch me.

It really doesn't feel good right now.

- Ow, those bullets freakin' hurt.

- Oh god, this is bad.

- Oh hey, you guys hungry?

- Uh, Bob?

We're being chased by the entire police force.

- Which can make a guy hungry.

Come on.

- Hello, and welcome to In-N-Up Burger sir,

may I take your order?

- Yeah, can I get five hamburgers all meat,

what's that called?

- Five burgers all meat,

that would be called Animal Style, sir.

- No, no, no, no.

Under no circumstances should you be

eating red meat right now.

- Oh can I get that extra rare with a lot of blood,

what's that called?

- Absolutely sir, that would be Slayer Style.

- Oh, you want one?

- Mm, we really shouldn't.

- Two Slayer combos, extra rare with blood.

Double chili fries, and two large cokes.

- Well, if you're buying...

- Oh, well make that 4 Slayer combos.

Hey Mikey, you want one?

- Do you realize what's gonna happen

once you get the taste of blood?

(grunting)

No, no, wait.

Wait.

(yelling)

- I feel awesome!

Where in the hell are we?

- Uh, a safe house!

It's my dad's idea.

- So why all the costumes?

- Well it used to be a rental house for film studios.

And now, it is a place

where we will be safe.

- I don't wanna be safe,

I wanna do stuff, I wanna run, or jump,

or fight things!

We should just go,

what do you say Mikey?

Come on!

- Wait!

I have a better idea.

- Oh what could possibly be better than a rooftop

chase across the city?

- Well...

I will answer all of your questions.

Once we rest and have sex.

- Oh okay, that's not safe at all.

Hey uh Mikey, I think this is a good time

for you to go right now.

This is, yeah, goodbye Mikey, bye.

Oh, wow.

Okay, alright, that works, yeah, uh huh.

Ow, ow, ow, jugular, jugular.

- Mikey, what the hell are you doing?

Get out!

- Woah, sunlight!

Sunlight!

- What!

Wait, stop.

What are you doing?

- Sunlight.

- I'm okay.

I'm okay.

- [Voiceover] Susan, are you in there?

- Oh my god, that's my dad.

- Wait you mean scary guy with the axe dad?

And I'm naked.

- [Voiceover] Susan!

- Hold on!

- I can't find my pants.

- What, just grab something!

- [Voiceover] Are you alright?

I'm coming in there!

- No, no, I'm coming, I'll be right there.

- Susan, are you alright?

- Dad, I'm fine.

- Did he touch you?

I'm gonna kill him!

- Dad, calm down I'm okay.

- Well you said he attacked you.

- Well, it wasn't his fault, we both...

Oh you mean Dragos, yeah, that sucked.

- So where is he?

- Where's who?

- The Chosen One.

Where is he?

What happened?

- Well, uh.

It all just kinda happened so fast.

- You bit him.

- Yeah.

Dad, I couldn't control myself.

- Okay, so what did the hospital say?

I mean, how did he recover?

Was it fast or was it super fast?

- Pretty fast.

- Okay what about strength, and speed, stamina.

Special powers.

- You could say that.

(chuckling)

- I knew it!

He's the Chosen One.

- So you're not mad at me for biting him?

- Well, it wasn't the way I planned it but...

- Woah, woah, woah. - You guys took off so quick.

- What plan?

- Well, he couldn't become a Slayer unless he got bit.

- So you were using me?

- Now, honey.

It's no big deal.

- I almost killed him!

- Well I don't know why you're so upset,

it's not like I told you to sleep with the guy!

- Well that I did!

- What!

- Like you said.

No big deal.

- Susan, the Chosen One can't sleep with a vampire.

- Wow.

So that's all you think of me as?

- God damn it Susan, this isn't some guy

you picked up in a bar.

This is the Chosen One.

Foretold to determine the fate of humanity

by leading us to victory over the e...

Would someone tell that god damn bunny

to get out from behind that rack.

Susan.

- Mhm.

- If that guy ain't the Chosen One,

the bunny's dead.

(upbeat guitar music)

- Uh, excuse me, is this really necessary?

- They've been looking for the Chosen One for years.

We're not taking any chances.

- Ah, because this doesn't look suspicious at all.

- Do we really have to do this?

- There's only one way we're gonna be able to find out

if this guy is the Chosen One.

And that's The Loremaster.

- The what?

- The Lo...

Look, say what you want about this guy,

but he knows stuff.

He knew where to find the data.

He knew about the Chosen One,

and he knew the name of my pet snake.

- Jesus, dad.

Just because he pulled Julius Squeezer

out of his ass, doesn't mean he's fucking Nostradamus.

- Excuse me?

So, what if this guy say's I'm not the Chosen One?

- Then you're a dead man.

- Dad, you promised.

- I never promised not to kill your boyfriends.

- Okay, okay guys this is ridiculous.

I don't even know why you need me.

You got proof, why don't you go to the cops or the media?

- Well you remember our run in last night, right?

- Well, yeah, don't you?

- With the cops!

- Oh yeah, no that was bad.

- Look the bloodsuckers are everywhere.

We start broadcasting something, the first thing

they're gonna do they'll be right on top of us.

The only chance we've got is The Loremaster.

Greetings, oh Loremaster.

- What hooo!

- Oh yeah, we're screwed.

- I bring a new addition to the flock.

- Flock me.

Who is this, who is this, who is this?

- Uh, Bob.

- Bob!

Really, just Bob?

- Yeah, friends call me Bob.

- Am I your friend, Bob?

Say nothing to that!

What constitutes a friend in L.A.

would barely quantify as a mild acquaintance in Detroit.

Be honest with yourself, Bob.

These friends that you know out here,

you followed them or they followed you.

Cause no one's a friend from L.A. Bob.

Except for me!

Any questions?

- Ask him.

- I don't want to ask him, you ask him.

Why should we believe this guy, he's wackadoodle.

- I can hear you.

- Look if it was Gandhi sitting there with a soup bowl

on his head, would you ask him?

- Uh, no.

- Get out of the way.

- Oh Loremaster, is this dipshit the Chosen One?

- You know, I love people who are direct,

cuts through the fiddle-faddle.

So tell me, Bob.

Did you have sex with the vampire who bit you?

- Uh, yeah, kinda.

(chuckling)

- You did it like bunnies, didn't you?

- How did you...?

- Yeah, high five!

- Look is he or isn't he the Chosen One?

- I don't know, I think you'll have to ask her.

- We're asking you.

- Oh yeah.

- Right, right, right.

Wait for it... yes!

- Thank you!

- But wait for it more!

If you're gonna defeat evil,

you can't just have the Chosen One,

you're gonna need an army.

- Well, how many's an army?

- Uh, five or six?

- Where am I gonna find five or six...

- My work is done here.

- Loremaster, I need to know what...

- I said, my work is done here.

- Thank you oh Loremaster.

- Don't forget, Bob.

Dreams never die, they merely sleep.

Waiting for something or someone to awaken it.

This could be the role of your lifetime.

- Did you guys tell him I said that?

- You got me, Bob, yeah.

- Aw, man.

Someone else urinated in this bottle.

(upbeat guitar music)

- Okay so I kinda hate to ask but, what now?

- The Loremaster said get five or six Slayers.

So we get five or six Slayers.

- No problem.

So um, dad, where are you gonna get five or six Slayers?

(chuckling)

- Hi, my name's Hank.

And I'm a vampire.

- Hi Hank.

- It's been three weeks since I've been bitten,

and five days since I've tasted human blood.

- So welcome to Vampires Anonymous.

- So everyone here is a vampire?

- Nah, they just like calling themselves that.

They've been bitten, but they haven't turned.

They don't need the blood to survive.

Eh, bunch of whiny assholes.

- Well, I really liked it.

- Cattle waiting for the slaughter if you asked me.

Speaking of slaughter...

- Harry, long time.

Still a bitter old curmudgeon?

- Joe.

- Still a vamphuggin' pussy?

That's Bob.

- Really nice to meet you, Bob.

- Sure, nice to meet you.

- Mikey, Susan.

Really sorry to hear that you turned.

- Yeah, thanks for the card and the flowers.

The chocolates, and the stuffed bear.

- Listen, I don't want have to do this,

but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

- The hell you are.

- Harry, you know the rules, come on.

- Fuck the rules.

- It's okay, Joe.

Dad, I'll be in the car.

- Sorry Harry, good to see you again.

- Not you dipshit.

- Mikey, stay here with Bob and Harry.

No you stay.

Stay.

- I'm also kinda liking the vampire powers.

I know that's wrong, that's why I came here.

- Harry!

Are you still looking for Slayers?

Check out this new sword I got.

I think Wendy is gonna be so impressed.

Oh, oh, and I got this move, check it out.

- I think we'll hold onto that for a little while.

- Eh, I got some kinks to work out.

Are you still looking for the Chosen One?

There was this guy in the park

doing these wicked kung fu moves, and I think...

- Meet Bob.

- Oh, hi Bob, nice to meet you.

Anyway, this...

Him?

He.

- No.

- You?

Holy shitballs!

- Oh my god, the sword.

- He's the Chosen One.

- Can I have your attention please.

There is no parking in the lot after 8 P.M.

or you will receive a 250 dollar ticket.

Actually, you've already been ticketed.

And towed.

- Okay, it's not enough that the life is being

sucked out of me by my wife,

but now it's getting sucked out of me by a meter maid?

- What'd you call me?

Do I look like a maid to you?

Do I have a feather duster in my hand?

I am a parking enforcement officer!

- I'm sorry officer, I know you're upset,

but this assembly is for those coping with blood addiction.

- I know all about you whining bloodbags.

Yeah, you think you've got it rough.

It's nothing compared to being a meter maid!

- Ah, vampire!

- Yeah, vampire, why don't five or six of you guys

all get together and kill him.

Well not you.

Let the cream rise.

- Booyah, bitch!

- Woah, woah, can't we just all get along?

- Bad vampire, time out!

Shoo!

- Really?

- Hey.

You wanna bite somebody?

Bite me, come on.

I dare you.

- Wendy, I got your back.

- He's mine!

- Pile-on, ha ha!

(clapping)

- Well done, Slayers.

Welp, there you go.

Your army of five.

- Wendy!

(groan)

- Or six.

(chuckling)

- Harry, it's 8 o'clock.

Do you know where your kids are?

- Susan!

- She's gone.

And you've got ten seconds to get these assholes off of me.

- Oh, he's got an axe.

(screams)

- I'm gonna rip your heart out with my teeth.

- Shut up.

The bloodsuckers have evolved just like cockroaches.

Crosses, sunlight, stakes through the heart, garlic,

none of the traditional methods will kill them anymore.

Nope, but you can still make them hurt.

- I can't watch this.

- Shit, are you kidding?

How many parking tickets have you got?

- Where's my daughter?

- Fuck...

(gunshot)

- Harry, what the hell?

- Gotta let them know what they're up against.

(screaming)

- Son of a bitch!

Damn it, that hurts.

- Okay, fine, fine.

Just let me go, I'll tell you whatever you want,

I swear, I'm totally serious.

- Bullshit.

(phone ringing)

- Sorry.

Oh, um.

Sorry, how long is this gonna take

because the last time I was late

I found the babysitter ducktaped to the wall.

Oh, okay, I'll just be...

- Where's my daughter, bitch?

- You do this, I swear to god you will never

find free parking in this town as long as you live.

(pained groaning)

Son of a bitch!

- Any questions?

- If you ever need another test subject,

my ex-wife would be perfect.

- Is there gonna be a test?

Cause I already forgot that first thing.

- I'll take care of him, just leave him to me.

- Alright, alright old man.

So how do we kill these things?

- Glad you asked, son.

- Alright Harry, that's enough.

Listen just tell us where she is,

and I promise we'll let you go.

- And who the fuck are you?

- He's the Chosen One.

- Yeah right.

- Oh, dog!

That's where I know you from!

You're that Vampslayer dude!

I have seen this guy fuckin' cut open a vampire,

take his intestines out, wrap 'em around his neck,

and jump off a fuckin' skyscraper like a bungie!

You are badass!

- 666 B. Century Park North.

Dragos is waiting and he wants his data.

- What data?

- That's how we found you.

A list of everyone who's ever been bitten, infected,

or thought of being a Slayer.

And there was another file called Summit,

but we couldn't open that one.

Maybe you know something about this.

- Hey hey hey.

(groans of pain)

- Son of a...

- What are you doing?

- I'm keeping my word.

- Your word?

He's a fuckin' vampire!

- Let him go, guys.

- Oh, I ain't going anywhere.

Not when I have a chance to kill the Chosen One.

- My sword!

Oh, that's a Highlander commemorative.

(clapping)

- Now that's the way to kill a vampire.

Slayers, it was foretold that the Chosen One

would lead us to victory over the legions of evil.

Are you with me!

- Yes!

Yes...

- Hell, someone has to be the voice of reason.

(upbeat guitar music)

- Alright people, we're here.

- Harry, these weapons are kinda thrashed,

are you sure they're still fight worthy?

- A lot of blood, sweat, and tears went into those weapons.

- Yeah, but whose blood?

- Check it out Wendy.

There can be only one!

- Hey, guys, guys, guys.

What do you think about Slayer t-shirts?

Matching t-shirts....

- So um, what's the plan here?

- Kill Dragos, save my daughter.

Alright people, move out.

- Woah, woah, woah, woah.

That's the plan?

Harry, these guys aren't ready.

- What, they've got weapons, the rest is instinct.

- And training.

- Training.

They just took down a vamp without weapons or training.

- They just took down a meter maid.

This is Dragos we're talking about.

Look, we got no plan, we got no training,

and we know it's a trap.

I'm telling you, these guys are gonna get slaughtered.

- Excuse me?

- Not exactly the best pep talk I've ever heard.

- Well, what do you want me to say?

- You're the Chosen One, say something speechy.

Oh for christ's sake.

These people are Slayers.

They've been bit, they're ready to take on the bloodsuckers.

- I haven't been bitten yet.

- I'm not really ready to chop a head or something.

- Look, I'm going in there to save my daughter

with you or without you.

You're the Chosen One.

Coming or going?

- Why do I gotta be the Chosen One?

- So who's this Dragos fella anyway?

(creepy elevator music)

- Well, this is nice.

- Who are your friends, Harry?

Scared to face me alone?

- Where's my daughter?

- Where's my data?

- You want your data?

Let me introduce you to your data.

Meet the Chosen One.

- Wait, this is the Chosen One?

(laughing)

Woah, Harry.

You know for a minute there you had me scared.

I've already met this assclown, he's a dick.

Now I want my data.

- Come and get it.

- Well you want your daughter, hm?

Come and get it, bitch.

- Harry, just give him the data.

- If he wants the data,

he's gonna have to come and get it.

- We don't have a choice.

- We've always got a choice!

Besides, you can't trust these bastards.

- I tell you what, Harry.

I'll fight your Chosen One for the data.

And if he wins, Susan's all yours.

- Agreed.

- Woah, woah, woah, woah.

What are you talking about?

I thought you said we couldn't trust him.

- Bob.

I believe in you.

They believe in you.

- Yeah, but he doesn't believe in me.

- No, I believe in you.

- Aw.

- Aw.

- Just start believing in yourself.

Besides, he's gonna kill you anyway

he knows you're the Chosen One.

- Fantastic.

Oh thank you Harry.

Nice jacket.

(cheering)

- Shut up!

You really believe that you're the Chosen One

just because they say you are?

I mean look at them.

They're nothing.

Just like you.

They don't make them the way they used to, huh?

- No!

- You ever see what happens to a Slayer

when he loses his head?

Nothing.

No bright lights, no vanishing act, just a head and a body,

and a whole lot of blood.

Stand up for me.

Aw heck, you want the girl?

Go ahead and take her.

- You're totally gonna stab me in the back, aren't you?

- No I won't, scout's honor.

- Really you're a scout?

- No.

No, you're a joke to me, you're nothing.

You want the girl, go ahead and take her.

- Son of a... liar.

- Attack!

- Wendy!

(laughing)

- You're gonna get one shot at this.

So don't fuck it up, George.

- The name is Dragos.

(laughing)

Hurts like a bitch, doesn't it?

Don't worry, that won't kill you.

But this will.

You look so hot right now baby!

Do it, do it, do it baby!

Now your father gave me no choice.

But you, you're one of us.

And I don't know if you noticed,

but I kind of like you.

So you just say the word,

and I'll let the rest of your bloodbag friends go.

- Get away from her you bitch.

- You gotta be shittin' me.

- No!

Okay.

I'll do whatever you want.

Did you hear that?

Whatever I want.

That's gotta make you mad, eh.

- Just let Bob and the others go.

- Let him go?

Bad choice of words.

- [Bob] You're such an asshole.

- And for the rest of you,

you can tell your little Slayer buddies

this is what happens when you try to be a hero.

Now you got five minutes to get off my rooftop.

- Into the van, come on, come on.

Come on, get in there, now.

Come on Mikey, come on.

Mikey, get in the van.

Get in the van, Mikey!

- Don't touch me.

Ow.

Go away, Mikey.

- Get on outta here or the other side of the street,

get your own box.

- Loremaster.

I'm here to kick your ass.

- Who is this, who is this, who is this?

Bob!

Man, are you effed up.

- Harry's dead, Slayers are defeated, Susan's gone,

and I'm dying.

All because you said I was the Chosen One.

- You are the Chosen One, Bob.

I told you so.

You've just chosen not to believe it.

- Yeah, well Harry believed in me and now he's dead.

- Well between you and me, Harry was a little bit crazy.

But Susan, Susan and the others need you.

- Oh, what do you mean my army?

- Oh yeah, I meant to tell you something about that Bob.

Remember what I said, that you were supposed to have

like five or six.

I meant to say five or six thousand.

- Well that's a pretty big mistake Loremaster.

Not that it matters but, how the hell

am I supposed to find that many Slayers?

- Where did Harry find you?

- The data.

But Dragos has it, there's no way I'm getting that back.

- Didn't you fools make a backup, backup, backup?

- Harry's warehouse.

- Ha ha, a winner!

- Ah!

(Windows startup sound)

Oh crap.

Windows 98, now we're screwed.

Why yes Clippy, you can help me find something.

(religious music playing)

- Man, is this awesome?

Mom, it's a chair!

(rock music)

- Vampslayer!

We meet again.

- Man, this is awesome dude.

- Where's the girl?

(laughing)

- Is that you?

- I'll answer all of your questions

after we rest and have sex.

- Holy mother of god.

Those are the most ginormous breasts I've ever seen.

Is that even possible?

Oh my god, is that like a visual effect?

It's like Godzilla's breasts, only larger.

- Woo, stings.

- [Voiceover] Look into my eyes of

lustful indoctrination.

- Hey hey, I think I found it.

Blood types, CBC, contact information,

there's gotta be hundreds, thousands of names.

- Awesome.

- So what am I supposed to do with a thousand names?

There's always this other file here called Summit

and I can't open it.

- According to destiny.

- I swear to god if you say destiny one more time

I'm gonna get all Chosen One on your ass,

just tell me what to do here.

- Look at that, hold the thought, oh my god.

- You know, screw this I'm outta here.

- How does it pause?

Know something Bob?

I think you need this more than I do.

But I gotta give you a warning.

This is some crazy shit.

- I can totally fly!

- You can't fly, come on down.

- Oh, kay.

Hang on!

Let me try that again.

- We are now approaching a dangerous combination

of science and the supernatural.

This creature you are hunting

should be greatly feared.

One half human, one half vampire,

and the other half armadillo.

- What the hell happened?

- Before or after you tried finding out

if you were faster than a speeding locomotive?

- Oh my god, what was in that stuff?

- Basil, I grew it myself.

Come on, you gotta watch this.

- So, you've returned for more sex, have you?

- I wouldn't say return so much as backtracking.

I've misplaced my wallet.

- The most brilliant movie I've ever seen.

Every time I watch it I feel I'm one step closer

to understanding the universe.

- How many times you seen it?

- 28.

- Perhaps you're looking for this!

- Uh no, just the wallet.

- I hate to tell you Loremaster, but it's just a crap movie

on a crap budget shot in someone's backyard.

- No, not true.

Every movie, like every person has the potential

to mean something to someone.

Meaning of life is not written on a candy wrapper.

It's here!

- You lie, no one can resist me once they've been trapped

by my lustful gaze of indoctrination.

- What does it mean?

- Well it means you're way crazier than I thought.

- Oh don't you see?

We're all searching for meaning and purpose.

The role of a lifetime.

But it's not about being the Chosen One,

it's about choosing to be the one.

You are whatever you want to be.

You're Hamlet, you're Macbeth,

you're Vampslayer!

- Tempt me not temptress!

- Oh then we shall have yet

another fight of swords.

- Agreed!

- That is how you'll amass an army.

Lead them to victory over evil,

and save the girl.

- Yeah, well now I'm just totally confused.

- Then my work is done here!

- [Voiceover] You've got mail.

- It's from Susan.

Looks like she sent it days ago.

Loremaster?

- Vampslayer don't go!

- I must go, so long as there's evil in this world.

- Well, I'm evil.

- Yes, yes you are.

- Dad, I can't reach you on your cell

so this is my only chance.

Do not try and rescue me, they're gonna kill you.

The password that we couldn't find is Juregrando.

J u r e g r a n d o.

If I don't hear back from you,

I'm gonna do whatever it takes to take out Dragos.

I love you dad.

- Hey Susan, do you want a cosmopolitan?

What the hell are you doing?

You bitch!

- [Voiceover] This is the dawn of a new age.

An age where we can actually see the dawn.

We have evolved.

But we are not the only ones.

They call themselves Slayers.

They are mutations who now threaten our very existence.

Our only chance for survival,

is to stop the spread of this infection

before it is too late.

But there is hope.

Years of medical research have provided us with data

that reveals the identity of each and every one

of these mutations.

Join us at Walpurgisnacht

at the Grand Viscus Theater in Hollywood.

For drinks, hor d'oeuvres, and a live broadcast

of the global extermination of the Slayer threat.

The Summit of Death.

The next step towards a brighter tomorrow.

- Dragos wasn't looking for the Chosen One.

He needed the data to convince the vampires

to wipe out every potential Slayer, and that means us.

- And then declare a war on humanity.

I always thought Harry was just being paranoid.

- So what are we supposed to do?

- Yeah, if you haven't noticed we kind of suck.

- You suck.

Who told you to save me?

- We all suck, we got our bottoms spanked.

- The vampire summit is in a week.

We've gotta stop Dragos or we're all dead.

- Well, at least I won't have to pay alimony anymore.

- What are we supposed to do against

an entire vampire population?

- I can't even get my kids to go to bed on time.

- I don't wanna die, not like this.

- Okay guys, guys I have a plan.

- Oh we've heard that before.

- Look, we just need to sit down and talk.

- Are you fuckin' kidding me?

Hey, I got an idea,

why don't we send them all gift baskets?

Let me tell you something,

I ain't got a problem with getting my ass kicked, okay,

but I don't want to die for you losers.

Fuck this, I'm outta here.

Yeah, Vampslayer my ass.

- To be or not to be.

That is the question.

Fight and you may die, run and you may live.

At least a while.

Every man dies, but not every man really lives.

A day may come when the courage of men fails,

but it is not this day.

Today we celebrate our independence day,

and we in it will be remembered.

We few, we happy few.

And the fewer the men, the greater the share of honor.

This could be the greatest night of our lives,

but you're gonna let it be the worst.

Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria.

The vampires have sent us a message

that they cannot be stopped.

Well we will send them a message,

failure is not an option.

Never give up, never surrender.

Do or do not, there is no try.

Crush the enemy, see them driven before you,

and hear the lamentation of the women.

They may take our lives, but they cannot take our freedom!

- Yes!

- We are the hunted, and we can't just give up,

not anymore.

We've gotta do something and we've gotta do it now.

Cause the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Or the Chosen One.

So say we all.

- So say we all.

- So say we all.

- So say we all.

- So say we all!

- So say we all!

- Was that Battlestar Gallactica?

- That was everything!

No, this isn't good.

- Do not freak out.

He's not one of them, I can tell.

- He's coming over to the window.

- Help is on the way.

(knocking)

- Step out of the car, sir.

- Bob.

Bob.

- Showtime.

Jesus Christ, do you have any idea

what the hell you're doing?

- You have any idea who the hell I am?

The Devil's Kitchen, does that ring a bell

in your small mind?

Fuck me, I got three grade A type A/B negative bodies

that have been brining back there for over, look at me,

that have been brining for over a week,

and if they're not served in half an hour

it's all gone to crap, do you hear me?

- Okay just, let me call this in okay?

- Yo, yo!

If you don't tell Spongebob to get back

on his side of the street,

he's gonna live in a pineapple up his ass.

- Buddy, you need to step back.

- Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh?

You got a problem with me now?

Come on, come on!

Fuck Detroit.

Come on Cobra Kai, taste the man,

the fury of the man puppet!

(yelling)

- Why do I gotta be an appetizer?

Why can't I be a waiter?

- Welcome to Hollywood,

last thing I wanted to be was a waiter.

(applause)

- Good evening.

I would like to welcome the noble families

and the major clans from around the world

to this very special event.

(clapping)

But before we begin this evening's proceedings,

I've always felt that the concept of myth

has a basis in truth.

Take for example, the Chosen One.

This document so helpfully provided us

by the Red Cross, shows the name and location

of every human that has been bitten.

Also highlighted are the mutations.

Stronger, faster,

these humans are a threat.

And from this group could emerge

what some might call the Chosen One.

Now we could simply eliminate the Chosen One.

But Dragos disagrees.

His agenda is to completely wipe out these mutations.

Without fear of retribution, retaliation, or inquiry

by the council.

A bold move.

By a bold leader.

So without further ado, I yield the stage

to the head of the North American Vampire Association,

Dragos!

(clapping)

(coughing)

- Um.

So...

What he said.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Go to the happy place.

Focus.

(loud yell)

Yeah.

There was just one other thing I'd like to add.

Susan, please come up here.

Come on up here.

Susan!

(clapping)

Now I don't care

if you're one of them,

or if you're one of us.

If you're not with me, then you are against me!

Don't you agree?

Don't you agree my little baby.

So without further wasting time,

let the extermination begin!

You did this you bitch!

- You did it to yourself, Dragos.

Or should I say, George.

Without your data,

we wouldn't have been able to send out a mass e-mail

to everyone on that list.

Now we got websites, and chatrooms, the hunted's

one big happy family.

And it's all thanks to you.

- You are not the Chosen One!

- No, I am the Vampslayer!

- Somebody kill him!

- Take your bath, brush your teeth, and go to bed!

Mommy's fighting vampires!

- Elizabeth?

- Hank?

- And you're here with your divorce lawyer,

of course you would be.

- Wendy, I'm coming.

- I love it when you play rough.

I'd drink your bathwater.

But then you had to go and embarrass me like that.

- You did that all on your own.

- What's the matter George?

You don't look happy at all.

- The name is Dragos.

- Oh, ok Dragos.

Say hello to my little friend.

- Bob, you be careful okay?

Just give me one second.

- You always ruin everything!

- I am so through with you.

- Oh god.

- You know I looked your password up.

Juregrando?

First recorded account of a vampire

was a goat farmer in Croatia, named Jure.

Which is Croatian for George.

The goat farmer.

- Hey, hey, hey guys you know what,

you know what, uh, I'm feeling a little tired you know,

a little out of breath right, like you I'm sure.

So hey, look see, see, okay?

Put that down.

- He said

He's tired.

Holy shit that feels good.

- You hated Harry because he knew your secret, George.

You're just another actor just like the Vampslayer.

- Do you want to live forever?

- Leave her alone.

- Kevin what the fuck!

Stop fang blocking me man.

- Darling.

- Where were we?

- [Kevin] Don't do it Wendy!

He may bite you but he'll never love you like I do.

- You know what?

Screw this, you guys are assholes.

- Wendy, duck!

Oh, I have to pay for that.

Son of a bitch.

- Kevin?

- Wendy?

- That was really hot.

- No!

- Aw, dammit that hurts.

- You still believe you're the Chosen One?

- Why not, if you could be Dragos,

I could be the Chosen One.

Otherwise, it's just Bob and George.

Not very exciting, is it?

- You thought you could just take Susan

and walk out of here?

She's one of us.

Not even the Chosen One can change that.

- You are such an asshole!

- Jeez, what are you doing?

Hold on, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I got this.

- You don't got this, I got this.

That son of a bitch killed Harry.

- Yeah, but I'm the Chosen One.

- You're not the Chosen One!

- Wait a second, you spent this whole time

trying to convince me I was the Chosen One,

and now I'm not the Chosen One,

now is not a good time to tell me I'm not the Chosen One.

- Fine, you're the Chosen One,

but I don't wanna see anyone else die.

I lost Harry, and I can't lose you.

- Hurts like a bitch, don't it?

Don't worry, it won't kill you.

But this will.

(clapping)

- Well done.

I must admit, I had my doubts.

But I could not have chosen a better Chosen One.

- What are you talking about?

- If I had killed Dragos, I would have a lifetime

of recriminations, and retribution.

But if I found a Chosen One to do it...

- So you chose me.

- The role of a lifetime, Bob.

And who better to play him than the old Vampslayer himself.

- So the whole Chosen One is bullshit.

- Well, not exactly.

I set things in motion.

And then I watch them unfold.

It amuses me..

- And Susan.

That amuse you?

- Well, for that I am truly sorry.

But I'm not your enemy, Bob.

In fact, I want you to work for me.

Unless of course you want to go back

to standing on street corners wearing a chicken suit.

Or hanging out with whiny support groups.

- And if we refuse?

- You just declared war on the entire vampire population.

Most of whom I can do without.

So, you kill them, they kill you,

what's the modern expression?

Win-win for me.

- And if I kill you?

- Are you seriously challenging me to a sword fight?

I'm a businessman.

- Well then this should be easy.

- How long has it been

since old Bill what's-his-name and the conquest of England?

Vincent Marlowe kills the Chosen One.

Yup, still win-win for me.

How inspiring.

You really think you can beat me?

- Oh, you're right.

What were we thinking?

I'm not the Chosen One.

She's a soccer mom, he's a divorcee,

Kevin's...

What do you do, Kevin?

- I'm an aerospace engineer.

- Really?

Point is, if one whiny support group can do this,

you and your bloodsucking buddies

don't stand a chance, Marlowe.

- Well,

I would like to thank each and every one of you

for a most excellent workout.

We really must do this again.

Very soon.

In the meantime,

enjoy your time in the spotlight, Bob.

- What the hell was that?

Nobody said they can do that.

What else can they do?

- I think we're gonna find out.

- Well, crap.

(rock music)

- Now that's right in my face.

- Right at the crotch!

- If you do this, I swear to god you'll never find

free parking in this town as long as you live.

- Got it.

- Whatever.

(laughing)

- She's got gloriously bouncing breasts

it reminds me of my mom, oddly.

- Hello, welcome to In-N-Up Burger.

Can I take your order?

- I got something for us Susan.

- Shut the front door.

- Son of a fried biscuit.

- Before I kick you and I will jump up

and punch you in the head.

I will do that, I have training.

I'm a yellow belt, back up.

(laughing)

- Woah, okay, done, done.

Done.

Let's make movies!

Whose idea was this?

- [Voiceover] Three, two...

- Jim!

- [Voiceover] Superchicken! (cheering)