Original subtitles

[? "Captain�s Table" playing]

[Frank] Man, something ain�t right. I think I�m getting cold feet.

What do you mean, man? I thought Sam was your soulmate.

You know, I don�t even know where to begin with this thing, honestly.

You know what, why don�t you just tie it in a double knot

and go Colonel Sanders style?

Well, it ain�t that. I�m-I�m crazy about her.

Last night we did it in a pond.

Frogs croaking... [mutters]

...mud in our toes.

And there was a Starbucks in the... in the distance,

and I made eye contact with the clerk.

He knew what was up.

Maybe we should just get some clip-on ones.

-I�ll take a Sanders. -No, we�re not doing a...

We�re not doing Colonel Sanders bow ties, okay?

-That�s-That�s gonna look crazy, okay? -[clears throat]

Mac, does your mom have to smoke in here?

Jesus, our tuxes are gonna reek.

You�re the one that banished her to the kitchen

because she�s not one of the groomsmen, dude.

I could have her sit by the window and we could switch if you want,

but she�s already got her ten steps in for the day.

I don�t want her here at all.

Have a heart, dude. She lost her best friend. Right, Mom?

[grunts]

-[door opens] -Yo. Hey, sorry I�m late, guys.

I couldn�t get the stupid tie, so I just kinda went KFC with it.

-Yeah, it�s a good look. -Goddamn it.

You going with that? It�s not bad, right?

-What are you holding? -Huh? Oh, it�s my mom.

Yeah, I feel like we never really properly mourned her passing.

So I thought maybe we could do something cool with her ashes at the wedding.

No. No, we acknowledged this already, man.

Remember the other day I was like, "Oh, your mom died."

And I gave you a little pat on the back, and I was like, "Aw."

And then I had a tear in my eye.

-Yeah, well, I saw your onion, dude. -Yeah, well...

You had the onion, kinda rubbed it on your eye, you know...

-I knew what you were doing. -Sure, yeah, there was an onion.

-There was an onion. -But I brought that for you, pal.

-He said he was gonna bring it for you. -But it just cheapens it.

I know, but do you think it�s easy to know when and when not to bring an onion?

Do you have an onion on you right now?

-No, because I didn�t know you were gonna... -I can smell the onion.

-He has the onion. He does, he does. -Well, it�s good to have.

Look, this is my chance to do something spectacular for my mom.

I mean, there�s gonna be news, there�s gonna be cameras, you know.

No, no, but-but... Okay, but cameras being there is precisely why I don�t want you

doing something spectacular with your dead mother�s remains, Charlie.

I mean, come on, man. Plus, this is Frank�s big day.

-Right? Can we just focus on that? -Yeah.

-We should focus on him. -All right, all right. Yeah, yeah.

So no cold feet, you know? No, uh... [chuckles] ...fried chicken bow ties.

And for the love of God, I mean, last thing we need is for this wedding

to come off as some kind of funeral. [chuckles]

[? "Temptation Sensation" playing]

Ugh, thank you, ladies, so much for helping me with this.

Mmm. So, the old hag has no friends?

Nope, and I�ll tell you why. She�s a con woman.

Bitch told me she had chicken money, but guess what?

I was thinking that was, like, Perdue or Sanderson Farms.

No, she was talking about rubber chickens. What?

Everybody knows there�s no money in rubber chickens.

She�s planning on bleeding Frank dry, and I�m not gonna have it.

Okay, what does any of this have to do with us?

You guys are gonna help me stop this wedding.

-Done. -Yes!

-That bitch is stealing my sidepiece. -She is. She�s trying.

[Gail sucking teeth]

-[Artemis, The Waitress] Oh. -When�s the stripper get here?

There�s no strippers, Gail.

-Then why are we doing this? -I just explained it.

-I�ll do it for your Vitamix. -What?

There�s no reason I should help you, so I�ll do it for your blender.

-Fine. -I�ll take the colander.

You... What... What happened to you being a-a-a scorned lover?

I still need to strain spaghetti.

Oh, hey, do you have one of those, uh, bottle openers

that�s shaped like a woman�s vag?

What are you... No, of course I don�t. That�s not a thing.

-[knocking at door] -It should be.

I�ll trade you a colander and a non-stick frying pan for the Vitamix.

-Goddamn it. Just- -[The Waitress] Deal.

Put my stuff back, okay? Do not poach my entire kitchen.

Knock that shit off.

[gasps] There she is! Happy wedding day!

How are you feeling?

Well, it�s funny.

I didn�t sleep too good. I have a bad neck.

Oh, you think we should call off the wedding? [laughs]

-[chuckles] -Just kidding. Get on in here. Come on!

-Come on. -Okay, okay.

-[Artemis] Oh, my God, soups... -[Dee] Come on.

-[objects clattering] -[Artemis] Soup this...

Who are these women?

These are your bridesmaids.

These are your friends?

-Not really. -[stammers, laughs]

That dumb bitch. She�s always joking around.

-[chuckles] -Yeah, these are my friends,

and I thought it would be great for you to get a load of,

you know, the kind of people that you�ll be hanging out with once you marry Frank.

-Oh. -So, let�s not waste any more time.

We gotta get you into that wedding dress, huh?

[singsongy] Get this party started. [chuckles] Okay.

You put my shit back and don�t be bitches.

Okay, now, I like this.

I think we�d get away with that.

What? Those look insane.

Did you guys cut them?

Yeah, it�s like a mini tie, right? Just make it like a little miniature tie.

-You said cut the tie, so we cut- -I said tie the tie.

-I can�t feel my fingers. -Uh... really?

Yeah. [mutters]

Whoa. Guys, his hands are cold as ice.

Yeah, I... I think we better call off the wedding.

I always listen to my body.

That�s true, dude. He always listens to his body.

Frank, you have never once listened to your body.

Look, buddy, you�re just cold, okay?

Charlie, get him in a hot shower, warm him up.

Speaking of cutting things, what if I cut his shoes, right?

So his toes are hanging out, gets a little more circulation going.

Maybe I�ll even cut his shirt, like, to here, and then his belly can breathe.

Can we just keep things simple? Yeah? I mean, we�ve all got our roles here.

Let�s keep it simple, you know?

Frank, you�re the, uh, aging groom with one last shot at love, you know?

Charlie, you�re the best man who, uh, plays "Here Comes the Bride"

on the keyboards as we walk down the aisle, you know?

Me walking Frank down the aisle.

Dee walking Sam, you know? Mac�s the gay woke priest who weds them.

What? No. Who... Who�s gay? No one�s gay.

-No. -You�re gay.

-No! Me? I�m not gay. -What?

-What are you talking about? -What is this guy talking about?

[whispers] My mom is right in the other room, so I just didn�t wanna...

I�m not gay.

Have you not come out to your mom?

[whispering] And come up with a whole new dance?

I don�t even know if the choreographer is available.

I have to come up with an entirely different repertoire.

No, you don�t. What are you talking about?

-Yeah- -[Mrs. Mac] No. No, no, no, no.

-Just... No... -See? You�ve upset her.

Mo-Mom, uh, what-what you�ve heard is completely untrue.

Mac�s coming. He�s got something to tell you.

No, Mom. Mom.

Mommy, Mommy, whatever you just heard is completely untrue.

[shrieks]

What is that?

Oh, we�ve got problems. We�ve got huge problems.

What is that?

I�ll tell you what it�s not. It�s not my mom�s cigarettes, okay?

I-I must have grabbed the wrong box at Uncle Jack�s.

I don�t know, but she is freaking out, man.

Okay, well, uh, why don�t you just go buy her some more smokes?

No, I can�t... I can�t just go buy her some more smokes.

She smokes a-a discontinued brand from China.

You can�t afford that. Think of the tariffs.

-The tariffs alone! -[sighing] Okay...

Guys, guys, bad news. His feet are still cold.

[Frank shuddering]

You didn�t take him out of the tux?

[continues shuddering]

Sam, these ladies were so sweet. They each got you a gift.

-You�re kidding. -We did?

You sure did. Yeah. You probably just forgot.

Have you and Frank ever had sex in a Dollar Tree bathroom?

Well, we did it in a pond last night.

The one that forms near the Starbucks?

[scoffs] I never did that. Don�t care for standing water.

Well, you�re missing out.

Yeah, I did it in a waterfall once,

but it turned out to be city runoff.

[chuckles] So random.

[chuckles] Yeah, maybe a little too random.

Let�s stay on topic here, okay?

So anyway, the theme of the gifts,

something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.

Blew deez nuts.

Thank you for that. Okay.

Uh, first gift is from Frank�s niece, Gail,

a woman who we refer to as a snail.

-Ha-ha. Yup-yup. -[Sam] Interesting.

-Oh, uh, what am I looking at here, Snail? -[Dee] Hmm?

Shit if I know.

Yeah. Okay. Of course you know.

It�s something old. It�s an old photo of Frank and Gail.

-[Sam] Mmm. -That, of course,

is before they started having sexual relations.

-Wh-What? -Oh, yeah.

Frank did a ton of real gross sex stuff

with the daughter of his wife�s sister.

[sucks teeth] Just hand stuff. Pretty random.

Uh, moving on, this next gift is from The Waitress.

Oh, Waitress. [chuckles] Is that your name?

No, my name is-

Will you shut up and let her open her present? My God.

Well, look at that.

What is this? This looks like it�s a...

Oh. It�s a copy of a court summons for Frank. Okay.

Oh, yeah, I�m suing the shit out of Frank.

-Huh. -Oh, why?

Oh, �cause he owes me a Cybertruck.

Oh, yes, I do remember that now. I do.

The funny thing here is that that�s one of many legal snafus

that Frank is mixed up in.

I bet that�s disturbing and brand-new information for you.

Anyway, uh-uh, the last gift is something borrowed,

and it�s from Artemis.

Oh. Well, that is very nice. [gasps]

"Vaginal burning relief cream."

Oh, you know, that is so kind of you to loan that to her,

seeing as how she�s probably going to catch whatever it is that you had.

-Probably. -Mmm.

[? jovial music]

-Ms. Dee. -Mm-hmm?

Could I just borrow you for a private word?

Absolutely.

We�ll rush right back.

[sucks teeth] If you don�t want this cream, I�ll take it.

That bitch owes me oven mitts.

-I need plastic wrap. -See what else she has...

-[ob muttering]

Goddamn vultures, picking me dry. [sighs]

What�s up?

-I know what this is. -What are you talking about?

Why are you trying to break up my wedding?

Okay, I�ll tell you exactly what this is about.

You know that chicken money you�ve been talking about?

-It�s rubber chickens. -[chuckles]

You are trying to bleed Frank dry,

and that means I would end up not having any money,

and I�m not gonna let that happen. You got it?

You familiar with those yellow rubber chickens that have the red neckties?

-Of course I am. I have like seven of �em. -My father invented those,

and I inherited his novelty gag fortune.

So, I�m a billionaire.

[stammers]

Is that with a "B"?

No other way to spell it.

[breathes shakily] No, there�s not.

Oh.

Know what, honey?

I like your moxie, and I never had kids of my own,

so if you support me,

I could make you a very wealthy woman.

-Are you joking? [breathing heavily] -I-I�m not a big joker.

-Well, okay. Wow. [laughs] -[chuckles]

-Um, it�s a deal. [chuckles] -It�s a deal.

Yeah, well... [stammers] Would you be willing to put that in writing?

-Oh, I wouldn�t have it any other way. -Oh, God. I love you so much.

Yeah. [chuckles] I�m gonna make a quick phone call. Oh, God.

[? jovial music]

Where have you been? I haven�t seen you in a while.

I�ve been doing stuff. It�s none of your business.

What do you mean it�s none of my business?

-He was with us. We had him. -Um, yeah.

Okay, well, I just... I haven�t seen you.

I... Sometimes I like to use you.

-Use me? You cocksucker. -[Dennis] Jack.

Um, what�s happening?

-Uh, why... -What is this?

Why do you even have that thing, man?

It�s a legal tool I use in mediations.

-No. -No, absolutely not.

That�s... No, I don�t believe that for a second.

Uh, sometimes people, I�ve found, are more comfortable talking

to Sherman, or as Sherman. [chuckles]

-Yeah, okay. -Okay.

Uh, I�m just gonna move past it. Uh, Jack.

Listen, I-I think that, uh, you should let Mac�s mom move back in.

Okay. Uh, this is perfect. Let�s use the doll.

Why don�t you tell Sherman how you feel?

-How I feel? -I�ll go. Yeah.

No, Mac, don�t get distracted-

Sherman, I feel like my mother should be able to stay here.

Even though she wasn�t on the lease, this is her home.

[high-pitched] Mac, that lady has as much charm as a wood chipper.

She smokes, never flushes.

I say good riddance!

You can have her, ya fruit!

I�m not a fruit, you little wooden fuck.

Give me the doll. Give me the goddamn doll.

I-I�m doing it. I�m doing it.

Don�t talk shit about my mother, all right?

Uh, or my masculinity, because I am as straight as the...

straight as the...

[high-pitched] Rio Grande!

Rio Grande?

What-What are you talking about, Sherman? No, I...

I like women, okay? I don�t even understand what you�re talking about.

[high-pitched] Queer. [normal] What? Why is he saying that?

[high-pitched] Just tell her, Mac. [normal] What? What?

[high-pitched] Tell your mom.

[normal] There�s nothing to say.

[high-pitched] Tell your mom the goddamn truth.

You don�t need to dance. You want me to dance?

I�ll dance right fucking now. I�m gonna do a dance.

-I�m gonna do a dance. -What are you doing? Mac. Stop!

-Will you stop it? -[high-pitched] Mommy, Mommy!

-You are controlling the dummy. -[high-pitched] I�m doing a dance.

Okay, stop, everybody. [stammers] Okay. We�re gonna try to stay on topic here.

I think we can work something out, though. How about this? How about this?

Why don�t we all pitch in and, uh, put her in a nursing home?

Okay, I�d be up for that.

-Hey, see? That works. -A nursing home?

I don�t know. What do you think?

What... What do you mean? Don�t ask him. You-You are controlling him.

-[phone ringing, buzzing] -Oh.

Oh! Uh-oh, boys. I gotta run.

Hey, cigarettes are in the cabinet, okay?

-Oh, let me get the doll. -[high-pitched] Don�t leave me to him!

[normal] Oh, God.

[high-pitched] Please!

Listen, we�ll take care of him.

[high-pitched] He�s done terrible things.

We�ll bring him with us for a while. We might be able to use him.

I�m not sure if you guys will be safe with him.

Just go. We�ll-We�ll take care of him. I-I promise. We�re gonna be okay.

All right. Sherman, don�t tell them anything I told you.

What is happening?

Okay, so I�ve drawn up the terms of the contract.

Hey, sexy, take it off.

-Not a stripper, Snail. -Well, I-I could grind him.

-That would be random. -Just ignore her.

Right. Um, the document says that once Sam and Frank are married,

Dee is entitled to half her inheritance.

-[Dee gasps] -That is, if the wedding happens.

Yeah, yeah. Boom, boom. Lock it in, Mommy. You cool if I call you that?

-Mmm. A little... Don�t push it. -Okay.

So sign here and that bottom one, and then...

Oh, this is fun. We�re gonna do thumbprints.

Ooh. I�m actually gonna skip the thumbprint part

because I don�t want black thumbs for the wedding

and I don�t want to get it all over my dress.

No, no, no, it comes right off. Look. Boom.

[sucks]

-See? -Yeah.

Wait, hold on.

Get it, big boy.

-[Dee] Um... -It came off earlier.

It�s not coming off and I also do see it on your shirt, so...

Well, no, that�s �cause of... That�s from earlier.

You know, um, I wonder if you two could excuse me,

because my neck is really hurting and I�m feeling a little under the weather.

So could I maybe lie down on your bed for a minute?

-You wanna take a little rest? Let�s go. -Yes, I�ll rest.

-Let�s do it, Mama. -Okay. We�ll do this when you come back.

Yeah. Let�s get you all rested up for the big moment, okay?

-[Sam chuckles] The big moment. -[Dee] The big moment. Okay.

You take a load off, okay?

I love you.

-All right, you bitches gotta buzz off. -What? Why?

Because this whole thing�s off. The wedding�s back on.

I don�t mind switching gears, but it is gonna cost you.

It already cost me. You took my entire kitchen.

This is peanuts. If you�re getting a big payday,

I want a cut of that or I�m gonna ruin the wedding.

-Ooh, what she said. -Ah, shit. Oh, you guys are the worst.

Fine, Uncle Jack, we�re gonna need a few more contracts drawn up.

[coughs, gags] That was... That was too deep.

[? jovial music]

Contracts. All right.

-[Charlie] ? Oh, she�s dead ? -[piano playing]

? Take a good look �Cause she�s gone ?

? Ain�t nothing left On the flesh and the bone ?

? So farewell and so long ?

? There�s a dead woman In this room ?

Then I�ll say, "Let�s have a nice wedding," or something.

Oh, good. Yeah. What is happening?

I called Chambray to see if she can warm me up, but it�s not working.

I�m only getting colder.

-We got to stop the wedding. -[Mrs. Mac exclaims]

Whoa. Oh! Oh, Jesus, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Here you go, Mom. [huffs]

Guys, that was close. She almost broke the chain.

She almost broke the chain.

Listen, I�m having second thoughts about this home thing.

I don�t think they�ll even let her smoke there.

Let me play the song one more time.

-No. Everybody stop. No, stop! -? She�s dead- ?

Stop, stop.

Final trades until the closing bell, okay?

One nipple. One nipple.

-[all chattering] -Make sure you put the measuring spoon...

Measuring spoon. All right. Okay. Could you stop? Leave me alone.

I want this! Rolling pin. Rolling pin for me.

-Rolling pin. -So if you...

Jack, the goddamn bell!

-All right. And I want the bell. -The bell.

-Okay. The bell. The bell. -Great, you get the bell! Good!

Now, get your shit and get out of here, okay? Gonna go wake up the hag.

She�ll sleep through the whole goddamn wedding. Jesus.

We�re done. Can I... Let me have my clothes back.

Oh, sleeping beauty, it�s time to wake up.

Sam. Mommy.

Sa-Sam.

Sam.

Mama. Sam?

Oh, shit.

[? jovial music]

Are you sure she�s dead?

Well, she hasn�t moved, breathed, or had a heartbeat in over an hour.

-Can a person survive that? -[sighs]

-No, I don�t think they can. -No.

What the hell happened?

Nothing. I think just sometimes, uh,

when you�re that age, you just die, you know?

-Right. -God, this is terrible.

I know, it�s-it�s so sad.

No, I mean for me.

-Apparently, she was loaded. -Mm-hmm.

Do you know that there�s real money in rubber chickens if you get in early?

What are you doing, looking for your onion?

Yeah, I guess I left it behind.

Don�t do it for me. I don�t care.

You know what the worst part is?

I made a deal with her that I would get some of that money

as long as she and Frank got married.

Yeah, you know what? I have a confession to make.

I-I knew she was rich.

-You knew? -Yeah, I found out about a week ago.

I actually had one of those drawn up, too.

-You did? -Yeah, I sure did.

-Uncle Jack? -Yeah.

Ah, shit. Well, now we�re both screwed.

Well, yeah, but-but only if they don�t get married, right?

What does that mean?

[inhales] Dee,

how much do you know about puppets?

[? jovial music]

[Dennis] All right. You ready for this?

I can�t feel anything.

Okay, well, trust the strings. Here we go. [inhales]

Now? Oh, yeah.

[? "Here Comes The Bride" playing]

Don�t play that song now. Goddamn it.

[sighs] How you doin�? Hi. Good to see you.

You good? How are you?

Isn�t that something? [grunts, chuckles]

He�s doing, like... It�s like a Frankenstein.

Frank, you know? Frankenstein?

[sighs]

Why don�t you stand right about there?

-Yeah. That�s good. -[grunts] I�m gonna puke. [sputters]

[Dennis] Choke it down. Choke it the fuck down.

-[whispering] Charlie, play the song. -I played the song.

Now, she�s coming down the aisle.

I can play my song?

Yeah, okay, thanks, man. Yeah, cool. [clears throat]

-Just... -[Frank groans]

[wailing]

? She�s dead ?

[piano playing]

? Take a good look �Cause she�s gone ?

[guests murmuring]

? Ain�t no one there There�s no flesh and no bone ?

? She�s dead and she�s gone Goodbye, Mom ?

[Dee grunting]

? Why am I the only one Who can see ?

Go in a straight line. She�s so excited.

? There�s a dead woman Here in this room ?

? You�re all happy And wedding and such... ?

[whispering] This doesn�t seem like a wedding march. I don�t know...

-[Charlie] ? �Cause she�s dead ? -Ooh. [chuckling]

? Take a good look �Cause she�s gone ?

Oh, I love love so much. [grunts]

? Ain�t no one there There�s no flesh and no bone ?

? She�s dead and she�s gone Goodbye, Mom ?

[guests continue murmuring]

-? She�s dead and gone ? -[person applauding]

-Ooh, you on fire, baby. -Sick! Thanks.

-Okay. -Sam.

-You look beautiful, Sam. -Yeah.

Look at that. She�s speechless, Frank.

-Why don�t we begin? -I got Sherman!

-Oh, no. No, no, no. -[Mac chuckles]

[high-pitched] Welcome, ladies and genitals. [laughs]

Mrs. Mac, do you know that your son...

[whispering] ...is gay?

No shit.

[guests murmuring]

Okay. Uh...

-Are we... Are we clapping or... -[guests applauding]

-Nope. Let�s... Not for that. -No. No.

[Dennis] Mac, you wanna go ahead and marry these two?

-That went better than I thought. -Did it?

Uh, Frank, do you take this woman to be your bride?

-I do. -[Dee, Dennis] Aw!

-Oh, that�s good. That�s good. -That�s so sweet.

Uh, and now, Sam, do you take Frank to be your husband?

Look at that, a big ole emphatic yes.

-Uh, she�s gotta say it. -She doesn�t have to say it. No.

-I think she�s got to say it, right? -No, she... she said it.

She indicated. She went...

-That�s the universal head move for yes. -[Dee] Yeah.

Everybody knows what that means.

[high-pitched] I do.

-Oh! -Oh. Now she said it.

-That was clearly Dee. -That was Dee. I saw her mouth move.

Me? No. That�s... Why would it be me?

I don�t want to marry Frank. [laughs] Gross.

Moving on, lock it up.

Let�s keep this thing moving. They�re getting tired.

Okay. Uh, by the power vested in me

by the online class, you are man and wife.

-Yes. -Yes!

-[Dee] Yes! -[laughing]

-Yes! They�re married. -They�re married, everybody.

It�s official and legal.

-That�s legal and official. -It�s legal and binding.

-[chuckling] -Do I kiss the bride now?

-No! -No, what? No, just-just do that later.

-I�ll kiss Sam. -[Dee] That happens later.

-[high-pitched] Kiss her or it�s not real. -No, he doesn�t have to.

You want a kiss, Sam?

-[Dee, high-pitched] No, thank you, Frank. -[Dennis] She said, "No."

-[Dee] There was no consent. -No means no. No means no.

No means no!

[all gagging, gasping]

[all exclaiming]

Tragedy struck at Paddy�s Pub yesterday

when a Golden Bachelor wedding turned into a real-life house of horrors.

[guests exclaiming]

-[Dee screams] -[bleep]

A flesh-eating bacteria chewed through the spinal cord of the bride

while the groom barely survived the ordeal.

-In other news... -Turn that thing off, will you?

-I�m really sorry about Sam, Frank. -[Frank grunts]

But hey, look on the bright side, at least you survived.

You may want to avoid having sex in, uh, stagnant water in the future, though.

-Yeah. -Yeah, that�s a general rule.

-If you see a puddle form, don�t go... -Go away from it.

-...banging in it. -Don�t use it for sex.

Yeah, Arty was right on that one.

-Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah. -Guess so.

[? "Butterfly By" playing]

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