Original subtitles

It's Christmas time in this house of mine. I hope it's wearing some trousers.

Yes, well, I am, but you won't understand.

I've been stood in a chestnut blazer. You've been stood in a chestnut blazer?

I've been stood in a chestnut blazer on the banks of the River Thames.

Well, you will see. That ends the Christmas with those bulbous Teesside

chestnuts.

Oh, I tell you what, Vic, wearing these Christmas party suits, it reminds me of

non-uniform day, remember?

Yeah, do you remember at school?

Well, it was non-uniform day and we turned up starkers.

We weren't to know, were we? But it doesn't matter.

It wouldn't say that that mattered.

Yeah, of course, I do remember. And the fact you, which I thought was strange,

because, you know, you were the biology teacher, weren't you?

Mind you, Vic, tonight, you look really sophisticated. I am sophisticated, Alan.

Look, see that?

Ask me who I am.

Sorry, who are you? Who are you, mate?

My name is James Bond.

James Bond.

As many portions of that as you've got. Go on, have a go, go on. I can have a

go, I can have a go.

Thanks.

You have to be wearing it.

Yeah, you have to be wearing it. You knew that all along, didn't you? Yeah.

Come on, follow me.

Presenting the Christmas tree. View it at your leisure. At my leisure? I am

viewing. It's astonishing.

It is astonishing, isn't it? Isn't it? Ask me where I got the decoration. You

gave mine at the garage, didn't you?

You know, the giveaway was probably the sponge, but also backed up by the junk

leaves.

I've got a problem with it now. I've got a little bit of a problem with this.

Yeah, what?

There's no light.

Ah, but that's where you're wrong.

Huh? What?

cigarettes from the garage.

Hey, if we could get 30 chain smokers in here, we'd have quite a display,

wouldn't we? Can't be aroused. Yeah. So which garage did you get them from?

Well, you know...

I

got them at the pop-up garage, Bob.

All the smoking techniques covered there, Vic, I think.

The pop-up...

A pop-up garage? Yeah, basically, it's just a big skip filled with petrol with

a tap on it, you know, to help the Christmas motorists out. Oh, the

Christmas motorists meandering around the country looking for the relatives.

That's it, yeah. Do you know what? It kind of reminds me of that, you remember

that big Christmas hit? Do you remember it? So it's like, I'm driving round at

Christmas to try and find some relatives. Yeah.

But we've missed the Preston turn-off.

We'll have to go via cock-a-mow.

Driving around cock-a-mow at Christmas.

I love your singing and the tree.

It's so cool and powerful, just like you said.

All right, Eric?

Yeah, as if.

Father, as you well know... You promised me this fascinating bobble hat. I need

you to confirm that it is wrapped and ready for me to open tomorrow and wear

on my head at dawn.

Did you get it?

Well, I tell you what, Eric, you'll just have to wait and see what Santa brings.

But in the meantime, I've got a little early Christmas present for you, Eric.

Come on, come over.

Christmas tea, there you are.

Merry Christmas, Eric.

If you like it. It's the men from One Direction, yeah?

And I thought you could, like, lay them out on the pillar and pretend that they

were doing a little concert. Or you could take their little clothes off,

wash them in your sink, and then put them back on the dolls. And I've got you

a nice magic magnet there as well, so... Merry Christmas.

Great present for a 12-year-old girl or an old German woman that has diarrhoea.

Just get me that bobble hat.

Because this is child abuse.

Glad you like it, Eric.

I thought you'd like the magnet, Vic.

Hey, you did get in that bobble-up, didn't you?

It's on the telly, Zoe.

Oh, look at this. This is good, isn't it?

My half-ton festive arse with Kim Kardashian.

Have you got the bobbler? What about this? Peter Andre's 89 pence Christmas

dinner. Yeah, did you get the bobbler?

Oh, this is a good one. You'll like this one. Here, look.

Inside, Hitler's festive bunker sing-along.

How about that?

Do you know what?

I'm not actually that keen on Hitler.

Did you get me the bobbler?

Oh, look.

Here comes Brother Bosch.

Touching something of potential interest.

Hello, everybody, and it's a great big warm welcome from me and a very happy

Christmas to everyone involved in this year's Christmas. You twat.

What have you got there?

What? It's a jigsaw puzzle.

One million pieces.

White out in the Pennines.

It's a wintry snow scene of three albino blokes drinking milk in a white van in a

blizzard.

Ages 8 to 80, allow three years, brilliant, shall we?

No, we shan't, Bush. You can more or less F off, actually. I'm discussing

something with your brother back upstairs.

All right, no problem. My bad. I'll go upstairs and dirt him a tart.

Hey, and fix this banister while you're at it, Bush.

Roger.

Banister.

Well, that's all from me for now. Join me later on in the show when I'll be

carefully weaved back into the plot somehow.

Seriously, though, Vic, did you get Eric's bobble hat?

Well, to be honest, Bob... I couldn't be arsed. You couldn't be arsed. So I

ended it over at Beef to sort out.

Yeah, and did Beef sort it out? Yeah, probably.

Probably. Probably.

Vic, if Eric doesn't get his bobble hat, this Christmas will be ruined, you know?

Do you not remember what happened last year when I forgot to get him his new...

Noggin pouch.

Remember?

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, ho, ho, ho. Oh, you're off your butt. You're off your butt.

Oh, beef better come good on this.

Will you give him a ring?

Well, I don't want to marry him.

No, Vic, can you just get on the phone to him, please? No need.

What? Because he's here now. And to be.

It's briskly and I've been flying the sea through the West End in my glider.

I smooth and I dive on the women I like and pick them up with the claw that's in

the bomb.

of Santa.

The Santa for the now generation.

And in particular, the ladies.

Beef, Beef, the new Santa. Christmas has got nothing to do with sex.

Yes, it has.

Beef, did you get Eric's poplar?

What in Syria, brethren?

I don't know him. Bought me like that staff. Tell me about him.

This is my Christmas New Time horn, made with a bit of you-know-what with a

splash of How's Your Father and a sprinkling of Going Anywhere, Darling?

Can I blow it? No, you can't blow it until you tell me, have you got Eric's

bobble hat? No!

I left it to Julie, the only female member of the cast. Julie?

Yes, and she should be here right now.

She'll be here now.

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, we've free no pants.

Hello, boys.

Hello, Julie.

Nick, is it time for a little cheeky Christmas kiss?

Come on, do it. Do it. Come on, quickly. Just get over and done with.

You've got the thing for Bob.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

I knitted it myself.

Oh, thank you, Julie.

Right, I'm going to display it on Santa Claus.

Yes. The one with the faulty wiring.

Oh, Eric's going to love that. There, nice and Santa.

Come on, let's get this party started.

Excellent. Can I blow my horn? Yeah, of course you can. All right, little fella,

do the business.

Yeah.

could you please?

No, I've eaten all the wool.

It's not a laughing matter, you know, Beef.

It's borderline shitty.

You three had better think of a way of getting a replacement bobble at.

I'm going to go up and see Eric, see if there's anything else I can get away

with giving him. Come on, get thinking.

Now it's Christmas Eve, all the shops are shut, so we're going to have to

scour the area and see if we can find anyone who's got a bobble hat like it

and get it. By hook or by crook.

That sounds like a job for Bosch!

I was just wondering if there would be something else that you would like.

Maybe a neckerchief, you know, around your neck and tie it off and let it

flourish, maybe.

Why would I want a neckerchief?

Now I know when I join you and your flowery pals at Soft Sam's Mail Check

Club. The man with problem leg and diarrhea.

Bosh! Just get... Give me that bobble hat.

Yeah, but Eric, there must be something else.

Maybe not.

Maybe not.

Well, that's what I think we should do.

What do you think the plan, then? Well, I think it's a long shot, but it might

just work.

I love it.

I think you're so clever.

Fancy a quick paddle up Dawson's Creek?

No, thank you, Doreen.

Look, everyone.

Look how it's tiny, Tim.

Look, everyone, we've got to get another bobble hat. What's the plan?

Well, it seems the only person in the area with a bobble hat like the one that

Eric wants is Phil Collins. Look.

That's perfect. How do we get it?

We're going to break in and nick it.

You mean you actually know where he lives, as in you know where he lives?

Yes.

He's converted an old happy eater off the 819 into his own personal dwelling.

The old happy eater?

I hope he didn't rip the kitchen out. That would have been commercial

standard, you know.

Well, hey, I'm right, Anna. He still cooks the full menu every day. I'm

right, Anna.

But apparently no-one turns up. I'm right, though, Anna.

Is he right?

Oh, thank God for that.

But Phil Collins' house, how can we break in there?

So... There's a secret tunnel to the Happy Eater that's used to remove fats

and residues from the premises.

Now, as you can see, there's a secret access hatch directly underneath this

flat. So what I suggest we do is use this tunnel to gain direct access to the

Collins House herd.

Right, well, let's do it then. Are we all agreed?

Yes! Thank you.

Um, Julie, I reckon you should probably stay here, you know, like, cos you're

just a woman.

Woman, am I?

If I was a woman, would I be able to do this?

You know what, Julie?

I think you should probably come with us.

Do you want a yoghurt?

No, no, no.

Any of you lot want a yoghurt?

All right. Julie?

What flavor is it? Plain.

Plain.

Plain. Thank you. Yeah. It's got thrush or something.

Julie wants to know if you've got thrush flavor.

No, it's just plain.

It's just plain, Julie.

All right.

I wanted banana flavor, but they didn't have any.

Sir Bush, do you mind if I have a Gordon Steering?

Yeah, be my guest.

I'm going to come back. I'll come this side to balance it out.

There's a shadowy figure up ahead. Can I destroy it?

We should destroy this fellow. Where? Do it. Shoot him. Push.

It's fine by me. Yeah, I will do it. Yeah, I will do it.

Hey!

Hey! What's going on here?

If you're going to shoot him, don't go and just shoot him.

It's Santa!

Hi, lads. Hi, Santa.

What are you doing down this tunnel? Oh, I just delivered the presents up. to

West Bilbury, you know, it's quicker through the tunnels.

And, oh, did you know I've just had a yoghurt?

I didn't know.

Yeah, well, I have.

Flavour was it? Plain.

Is that what you wanted? No.

No, the wife had packed the bait box, opened it up, it was plain.

And low fat.

What was it you wanted then?

Banana.

Santa, do you still love her?

No, I don't think so, no.

We've been recommended for counselling, but I just don't know if we've got the

energy for it.

So, hold on.

You think she deliberately packed your plane just to spite you, lad? Yeah, I

do, yeah.

Got no proof.

It's very clever like that.

That must be the hatch up into the Happy Eater. You know who lives there?

Phil Collins.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hang on.

Right.

Right. Bosh and Julie, you stay here in the boat and keep the engine running.

Beef, Bob, you three come with me.

You three? Who's the third one?

Me? Oh.

Come on, hook me up then.

Sorry about your problem, Santa.

See ya.

I like your outfit.

Santa for the now generation.

There he goes.

So, Santa, I thought your beard were longer than that. Ah, here we go.

How many more times?

I had it this long for one week and that's when somebody takes a photo.

I've been saddled with that for years.

So, Santa, which countries have you just been delivering your presents to? Ah,

well, I've just come back from Mexico.

Oh, what fun!

What presents do the Mexicans mainly want? Well, pistols, sombreros, ponchos,

mainly. Santa, be of yourself, man. Less of the stereotyping. And now, I never

had you down for a race of this, you twat.

Not races. Let's look in the book under Mexico. Look.

Pistol, pistol. Pistole. Poncho.

Pistole. Just goes on like that.

I can't understand. You can't say stuff like that. What? I'm not making this up.

I'm just reading from the book of letters.

You shouldn't consider counselling. Yes, I am. And that's what she said.

And I'm more or less told her to f*** off.

Well, it's drunk. Have a listen.

Yeah, it's that famous bean, you know, the chocolate one.

Down, Dave.

Down.

Right, that's an easy plan.

Turn the heating right up so he's more or less forced to take it out. When he

does, grab it and run.

What do you reckon, Dave? I think that is a good plan. I can't actually

whisper. It's best if I tell you right now.

See that cup there?

Yeah. I'm going to take that and throw it so it's like a distraction.

And when he goes to pick it up, I turn the heating right up. He didn't fancy

that omelette.

Do you know, which is a shame, really, because they're so nutritious, aren't

they? They are.

Come on, do your job.

Now... What about turkey? What do they have in Turkey?

You're going to say I'm being racist.

But it's all requests for them slippers with the curled up toes.

As if, sir. It is. That's all they're asking for. Look in the book.

Apart from one, Mustafa kebab and he wants a fez.

Oh, no, that's not true now, Sandra, is it? No.

Right, one. Pick another one.

Australia. I bet you're all going to say they want a didgeridoo.

Have a look. Australia.

Rabbit-proof fence, rabbit-proof fence, rabbit-proof fence.

All right, look. Choose another country and tell me I'm being racist.

Poland. Sheet steel.

Italy. 50-50 split.

Hair gel pizza shovel.

Scotland. Bunion cream.

Satisfied? Honestly, if I tell the truth, I'm a racist. If I don't, I'm a

liar. You know what?

This is my last year.

I'm fed up with it.

Right.

Right, where next?

India.

Curry powder, curry powder, curry powder.

Jones!

Comrades, he's dropped off, so what I say we do is we kill him, dissect him,

take the hat and retreat.

What do you reckon, Baker? He thinks we should kill him. I think he's right, we

should kill him. Yeah, let's kill him, don't you? Yeah, yeah.

Great. Right, what I'm going to do is... Take this objet d'art and grandly strike

him. No, no, no. You've got to hit him as hard as you can.

I will, right?

All right, we'll get on with it.

I will.

Come here.

Stop that. He's got a sense of pattern.

We need to remove the hat without waking him.

I'll give it a go.

We know there's a sense at home.

I've got a sensational plan.

We quickly remove the hat and replace it with this succulent and heavy omelette.

I'd like to do that. Can I do that?

That's nice. Are you two ready?

Three, two, one.

Yes!

Yes! Right, let's get out of here.

How do you fancy an extra early Christmas present? Oh, wow, yes.

I get to kill you. No, no.

Eric, what was the main present that you really wanted?

The bubble hat.

Vic?

Go on, Vic, the bubble hat. I'm wearing it on my head, you dirty cat. Oh, the

man! They must have fallen in the water in the tunnel when I was looking in the

water in the tunnel to see if I could see me future wife in the tunnel.

Eric, Eric, he's lost your bubble hat. It was nothing to do with me. You heard

him say...

Finished in two minutes.

That's Ritalin for you.

I just found this on my way in. And being Santa, I know it's for this little

lad here.

Eric's bubble hat. Eric!

It's Santa Claus with my bubble hat.

Well, Father, can we keep him?

What? You know how much I love you.

You could keep him in the cupboard under the stairs.

I don't know. What do you reckon, Santa?

It's fine by me. The wife's just been on the blower. She's kicked me out.

So this is my last night. I'm jacking it in as Santa.

You can't do that, Santa.

What about the lovely little children who want the present?

Well, I've got a replacement in mind. It's him. He's perfect.

There's my keys and you can have me air miles as well.

Well, at last.

Enough air miles for me to return home to the moon.

Settle then, I'm moving in. I've just got one last delivery to make.

Where to?

To Spain.

I've got a lorry load of mattresses.

Mattresses?

Yeah, so they can sleep all day, you know, like they do.

Oh, sir.

All right, I'm a racist.

Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas!

Thank you, sir.

It's wonderful. Cheeky little chittle, last little kiss.

Come on, beef, let's get this party started.

Have you got the horn?

Permanently.

Oh, what a lovely Christmas Eve. But what a waste of an omelette.

I got my hat. I got my kiss. And I get to blow the shit out of it.

Thank you.

Thank you.