Original subtitles

On tonight's show,

Set phasers to stun for Wayne Brady.

It's worse than that. He's dead, Colin Mochrie.

And if I give her anymore, she'll blow, Ryan Stiles.

I'm your host, Drew Carey. Come on down, let's have some fun.

[cheering]

-Hello. Thank you very much. -[cheering]

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

That's right. They don't matter.

Just like the plot of a porno movie.

If you've never seen the show before, what happens is

these four guys are gonna come up,

and then I give them points, which, like I said, don't matter.

And, uh, then we get to pick a winner

and the winner gets to do a little something special for you

that's fun for the whole family.

Let's start with the first game called "Let's Make a Date."

This is for all four of you. Uh, Ryan, Colin and Greg,

you're gonna be contestants on a dating game-type show

hoping to be picked by Wayne,

[laughter]

All I gotta do is read this. How about that?

Each of them has been given a strange characteristic or identity.

Wayne, you're gonna question them to see

who you want to go on a date with.

When you're ready, Wayne, off you go.

[clears throat] Hello, bachelors!

[cheering]

Satan is in this house, you slattern.

Satan's in the house, it's a party! Hey! [humming]

He's so silly, bachelor number one.

No, but really, bachelor number two,

I like a good fine cheese with wine sometimes.

I like a man who appreciates good culinary delights.

What tantalizes your palates?

I just like meat.

Meat! Meat! Meat! Fresh meat!

Hmm, it sounds like you my missing link.

-Bachelor number three. Hello. -Hello.

Now, every now and then, I like to go down and shake the booty.

But, so, I wanna know what kind of music make you shake your groove thing?

I don't shake my groove thing!

And I make sure other people don't shake theirs.

They'll show you how to work the pole, but you can't touch her, you're out.

It sound like you got a little bit of an attitude.

You better watch it, I'll cut you.

-Bachelor number one... -[singing hymns]

I love Saturday morning cartoons.

What do you like to do on a Saturday morning?

Pray...

Go, dem--

[Greg] The power of the lord compels you.

The power of the lord compels you.

The power of the lord compels you.

-The power of the lord compels you. -Stay down!

Sit down! Sit down! Both of you, sit down!

Both of ya!

Sit down.

[audience cheering]

Whoo.

Now, bachelor number two, the same question for you.

-What do you enjoy doing on a Saturday-- -[grunts]

Be gone, demon! Be gone, demon!

[buzzer sounds]

Okay, Wayne, uh, time to guess who they are.

Uh, let's see, bachelor number one

is a TV evangelist.

In this country. In other countries...

-he's a... -[Drew] I'll give you a clue.

"Out, demon."

Oh, he's an exorcis-er.

[cheering]

Yeah.

An exorciser.

Okay, and bachelor number two was an irate hockey player.

[Drew] Yeah.

Bachelor number three...

You were... You looked to me kinda like...

You were an usher at a movie theater.

-Yes. -Close enough! Close enough!

He was a strip club bouncer.

[buzzer sounds]

Ryan had to pretend to be a strip club bouncer.

Strip clubs are a place where women take off their clothes,

-you give them 20 bucks. -Oh!

[Drew] I don't approve of it, but that's...

So, you know, it was tough for you to do,

so I'm gonna give you 5,000 points.

Okay, let's go on to a game called "Film Dub."

This is called "Film Dub." This is, uh...

I'm gonna show a piece of film to Ryan, Greg and Colin.

Uh, they're gonna provide the voices...

They're gonna provide the voices for the clip.

And the scene I'd like you to improvise is

"One Day in the Saloon."

"One Day in the Saloon."

-Gosh darn you! You... [mutters angrily] -[Ryan laughing]

Hey, mister, how'd you like a cold drink?

[Ryan laughing]

-[Greg] There you go. -[Ryan exclaims]

[Colin] What seems to be the trouble here? What you doing?

[Greg] I can't understand what you're saying with that accent.

-[Greg] Oh, my God... -[Ryan] Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What's all the fighting here?

[Greg] You're a big scary man in a black hat.

[Colin] What are you doing here, Father?

[Ryan] Well, I've come to...

teach the word of God to all...

[Greg] Well, I work in a saloon and I'm only eight.

[Colin] No, he's 14 if he's a day!

And you, how old are you?

You know, I've got a confession to make myself.

I'm not really a priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards.

[Greg] That's okay.

[Ryan] Billy. Billy. Billy...

I'm sorry, I thought you were talking.

[Greg] Come on.

Thousand points for everybody! Usually a thousand per view!

999! 999!

I'm giving the points away! Only 999!

I'm crazy!

Now, let's go on to a game called "Three-Headed Broadway Stars."

For Wayne, Colin and Ryan.

In this game, they're gonna be singing a Broadway hit

they're gonna make up. Each making up one word at a time.

With the help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor on piano and guitar.

[cheering]

Hey, speaking of musicals, look for Geppetto

right here on ABC coming this May,

starring Drew Carey.

Uh, now we need from the audience

is the name of an unlikely musical.

-An unlikely musical. -[woman] Bob!

-Bob. -[Drew] Bob?

[man] Bob.

Bob the musical.

The big hit love song from that show is called...

-[woman] "Flea Dip." -[Drew] What?

-[woman] "Flea Dip." -"Flea Dip."

The big hit love song "Flea Dip"

from the hit musical, Bob.

[romantic piano playing]

-♪ My ♪ -♪ Love ♪

-♪ Is ♪ -♪ Bob ♪

-♪ He ♪ -♪ Always ♪

-♪ Cares ♪ -♪ For ♪

♪ Me ♪

-♪ Fleas ♪ -♪ Don't ♪

-♪ Come ♪ -♪ Very ♪

♪ Of-ten ♪

-♪ But ♪ -♪ When ♪

-♪ He ♪ -♪ Does ♪

-♪ It's ♪ -♪ Curtain ♪

♪ Bob ♪

-♪ Flea ♪ -♪ Dip ♪

♪ Bob ♪

♪ Please ♪

-♪ Use ♪ -♪ My ♪

[cheering]

-♪ When ♪ -♪ You ♪

-♪ Touch ♪ -♪ Me ♪

-♪ In ♪ -♪ That ♪

-♪ Special ♪ -♪ Way ♪

-♪ Fleas ♪ -♪ Jump ♪

-♪ And ♪ -♪They ♪

♪ Scatter ♪

♪ Away ♪

-♪ Flea ♪ -♪ Flea ♪

-♪ Flea ♪ -♪ Flea ♪

-♪ Flea ♪ -♪ Ha ♪

♪ And ♪

-♪ Flea ♪ -♪ Away ♪

[speaking indistinctly]

Okay, hey, don't go away.

We're gonna see a commercial.

We'll be right back with more of what?

Whose Line is it Anyway? Don't go anywhere.

Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?

The show where everything's made up, and the points don't matter.

Uh, tonight's winner, by the way,

gets a lifetime supply of ChapStick.

That's right. One tube of ChapStick.

It'll last you the rest of your life.

Okay, let's go on to a game called

"Film, TV and Theater Styles." One of my favorite games.

This is for Ryan, Colin and Greg.

You're gonna act out a scene,

that our audience here is going to suggest to me.

Uh, now what I need from you is like,

styles of television shows or films or theater...

[audience speaking indistinctly]

High school drama is a good one.

Bergman.

After school special is good.

-[man] Real world! -Real world. Oh, yeah!

[all laughing]

Real to who, that's what I wanna know.

Okay, yeah, we all live in Hawaii. Okay, uh...

What's gonna happen is we're gonna start a scene out as normal,

and I'm gonna come in with some of these styles

as I can fit 'em in after they get started.

And your scene is Ryan and Greg are two archaeologists

about to open the tomb of the cursed mummy Colin.

So start normal.

[mimics scraping]

Why don't we try the handle?

Oh.

All right, why don't you just do it then, Greg.

Hey, there's no need to get huffy about it.

We're both accredited scientists.

That's true.

-[gasps] -There it is.

Who has disturbed my tomb?

My God!

It's the mummy from Canada.

[buzzer sounding]

And I...

[buzzer sounding]

High school drama?

Now that we have founded the mummy,

we may go back to Europe and claim the reward

that the national society has offered... us.

And then, when we are famous,

we can have lots of money,

and then we'll be rich, too.

And have our own show on Discovery Channel...

-[buzzer sounding] -...and stuff.

-Right? -Bergman film.

I have been cursed for many years.

I have found you, and now I am cursed.

[scoffs] Have you ever seen anything like this, Charlie?

No, I have not.

[Drew laughing]

[buzzer sounding]

Can't you see? The mummy's got a problem.

He's on rugs!

Hey, man. Just say no to rugs.

It's easy for you. I'm so tightly wrapped,

-I could go off at any minute. -[buzzer sounds]

[Drew] The real world.

[gasps] Dude, I'm drunk.

Guys, guys, guys...

[buzzer sounding]

Okay, thank you very much.

Well, I got to imagine Ryan naked.

So 1,000 points for you. Ryan.

[mouthing]

Now, let's go on to a game called "Greatest Hits."

Greatest Hits. This is for Colin, Ryan and Wayne,

with Laura Hall and Linda Taylor on guitar!

[cheering]

Colin and Ryan are gonna be TV voiceover guys

talking about the latest compilation album.

And Wayne is gonna sing snippets of the songs, if he can.

[audience exclaiming]

[Drew] That's right.

So, what we need from the audience is a suggestion of

a sort of profession you wouldn't normally sing songs about.

[all shouting]

I heard English teachers. Someone said...

Dog walker... Okay, stop.

What we're gonna do is,

Songs of the Dog Walker, a fine profession.

Whenever you're ready, go ahead.

Hi. We'll be back to your special movie

Full of Monty in just a moment.

But first, have we got a deal for you.

The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand,

Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people

who threatened to sue if we used their songs.

You know, there are so many hits on this song

that it was hard to compile them in just this set.

Boy, we should have songs of the English teacher to help you out.

Stop it now.

"Scoop It Up."

[bluegrass tune]

♪ Oh, I had me a dog And the dog was super ♪

♪ But he pooped on the lawn So need a poop scooper ♪

♪ And I had to scoop up All of his doodie ♪

♪ Because everyday That he wouldn't go on ♪

♪ And he went on and on In the neighbor's lawn ♪

♪ And I will have to Smack his doggy booty ♪

♪ So, don't you understand 'Cause the poopin' man ♪

♪ And a pooper scooper That it ain't as super ♪

♪ My pooper scooper ♪

[cheering]

What are you doing?

The marriage only lasted a week.

Shut up.

You know...

You know, in the 1970's when I was in high school,

I belonged to a band

called The Happy Funk Band.

Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.

But funk, it is still very close to my heart.

It brings me great pleasure to introduce this great funk hit,

"Don't Be Sniffin' There."

[funky tune playing]

♪ Yeah, yeah, ba-ba-baby ♪

♪ Don't you see At the dog park I jam ♪

♪ Sniffin' on my butt To find out what sex I am ♪

♪ Don't sniff that, no, no ♪

♪ Don't sniff-sniff that No, no ♪

♪ Don't sniff on my behind Don't sniff that ♪

♪ Oh, break it down ♪

Damn!

♪ Don't sniff that ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[all cheering]

Hey, Colin, how much would you pay

for a 500 CD set such as this?

I'm not telling you!

-You know, Colin... -What, Ryan?

When I want to get romantic with the third wife,

there's only one song...

One song that really seems to do it.

And what would that be?

"No More Soft Food For You."

[romantic tune playing]

♪ Ah-ha ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

♪ Because my doggy ♪

♪ Is 13 years old ♪

♪ And she can't chew Anything hard no more ♪

♪ All night and day She cries and moans ♪

♪ It feels like she's passing A kidney stone, oh, doggy ♪

♪ No more soft foods for you-hoo Oh, oh, oh ♪

[howls]

[howls]

[buzzer sounds]

[Drew] Come on, that was great.

Hey. Don't go away, we're gonna see a commercial.

When we come back, the winner gets to do

a little something special with me.

So, don't go anywhere.

Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Tonight's winner, Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady's the winner.

So, he's gonna sit at the desk and relax.

We're going to do a game called "World's Worst."

So why don't we...

and we're gonna give you examples

of the world's worst what, Wayne?

You're giving examples of the world's worst

things to say at a major awards ceremony.

Hey, all you little people! Screw you!

[buzzer sounds]

I will not accept this award

until they tear down the wall that separates Germany.

-Thank you. -[buzzer sounds]

Um, Bill couldn't be here tonight because, uh...

he's a raging alcoholic, and...

But I know that if he was here, he'd just go... [gags]

[buzzer sounds]

I'm the greatest director of all time. Woo-hoo!

I'm the king of the world! Whoo!

[buzzer sounds]

Thank you. I'd like to thank everybody I've ever met.

-Shirley. Phil. Aunt Doris. -[buzzer sounds]

-Uncle Peter. Henry Fonda. -[buzzer sounds]

-Jill, the weather girl. Susan. -[buzzer sounds]

-My first wife Sheryl. Dick York. -[buzzer sounds]

You tolerate me! You really, really tolerate me!

[buzzer sounds]

Well, I'd like to thank everyone who made this...

What?

Satan is my master?

[buzzer sounds]

I would like to thank ABC

for giving me the Drew Carey Award. Uh...

It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year,

and gosh, darn it, tonight I'm the king of the...

-General area. -[buzzer sounds]

[all cheering]

[laughter and cheering]

[buzzer sounding]

[Drew] Oh, that's it.

Stay right where you are.

Welcome back.

They're gonna read the credits as two cattle auctioneers.

Two cattle auctioneers. Goodnight, everybody.

[audience cheering]