Original subtitles

[audience applauding]

[Drew] Good evening everybody and welcome to Who's Line Is It Anyway?

On tonight's show, he has a good beat, Greg Proops.

He really rocks,

Wayne Brady.

He's easy to dance to, Colin Mochrie.

And you will be humming it all night, Ryan Stiles.

I'm your host Drew Carey, come on now let's have some fun.

[audience applauding]

Hello.

Hello, welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway,

the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

That's right. The points don't mean a thing.

Just like the bowtie on a Chippendale dancer.

[laughing]

What happens, is you never seen the show before,

these four guys are gonna come up,

they're gonna make stuff up for you right on the spot.

Based on suggestions from the audience

and things we have written on these cards here,

they've never seen the suggestions before the show.

They don't know what's on these cards

and just make it all up. At the end of every game,

I give them points.

Just little gag to hold the show together. Don't get excited about them.

And, uh, at the end of the show, I pick a winner

and the winner gets to do a little something with me.

[audience laughs]

[audience whooping]

Please. that wasn't... if it was, I'd be doing it right now.

[audience laughing]

So, ready to start? Let's go with weird newscasters.

This is for all four of you.

Colin, you're gonna be anchorman of a news show.

Uh, Greg, you're the co-anchor. You're a heckler.

[audience laughs]

Sports is Wayne.

You're a precocious multi-talented child star.

[audience laughs]

And Ryan, you're doing the weather.

You're an angry NBA player

about to get ejected.

[audience laughs]

-So you're like Karl Mal-- -About to get what?

-[scoffs] -You're Karl Malone.

So whenever you're ready and whenever you hear music, go ahead and start, Colin.

[music playing]

-Hello. -[audience laughs]

I'm Jackson Goodreader--

You suck.

[audience laughing and applauding]

Boring. Boring.

And welcome to the six o'clock news.

Yawn.

Unfortunately,

everything happened at 3:48 today.

So we have nothing to tell you.

[audience laughs]

Over to you.

Snore. Snore.

[audience laughs]

Nice haircut. Lose a bet?

[laughs]

Nice top. You got the bottoms to those?

[laughs hysterically]

Nice shirt. What's your average?

[laughs]

Bring on the chicks.

[audience laughing and clapping]

You're all right, I was just helping you.

[slurring] I was just helping you. Go on I'll help you. Go on.

Go on, I'll help you.

Thank for that insightful report.

Shut up.

And now over to sports.

With Reginald Reginald Reginald.

That's Reginald Reginald Reginal, it's French.

[audience laughing]

Today all of the sports teams decided to get together

and hold a little show

starring

me because everyone knows sports are fun.

[audience laughing]

[singing] Just when the tennis players take a fall.

John McEnroe likes to hit a ball in saw.

I'm doing this for my mom.

[audience whooping]

-He was singing. -Watch the elbow.

He was singing.

And now over to the weather.

Let's see what's happening this week in weather.

-He is dancing too. -Yeah.

Well. thanks.

If you can see, we got a sunny weekend in store for the West Coast here

and moving on to the east over here, we got some rain.

Ooh. Touched that cloud there little bit.

Touch of... What?

What are you talking about? I barely touched the cloud.

What? What are you, little man?

What are you, big man? And your little man is older than this?

Are you kicking me out? I don't think you're kicking me out.

Oh you are?

That's fine.

Okay, that's fine. Oh dammit.

[audience whooping and clapping]

All right. All right.

Yeah.

Whoo!

Whoo!

[hisses]

Well, that's This is Not News

Join us tomorrow for more news and more news stories.

Good night.

[audience cheering and clapping]

That was great. A 1000 points for everybody.

Of course, I have to subtract 500 points for Ryan.

Cause he forgot to kick a photographer.

[audience laughs]

[mouthing]

Let's go on to a game called African Chants.

Called African Chant, it's for Wayne.

We have Laura Hall and Linda Taylor on guitar.

[audience whooping and clapping]

[Drew] Take that chair.

I know just the guy to pick.

Hello, how are you? What's your name, sir?

-Pat. -Pat, what do you do for a living?

-I'm a sprinkler guy. -Sprinkler guy, are you?

That's a good name for a thing to get involved.

I trust you. Okay, come on up here.

And, uh...

Wayne, this is Pat.

-Pat's a sprinkler guy. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -And, uh...

Yeah.

-[grunts] -Now this is, uh,

someone gonna do, uh, Ryan, Colin, Greg, gonna do back up for Wayne here.

We're gonna sing to Pat the sprinkler guy

and you're gonna do an African chant.

Right on.

♪ Hello, Pat... ♪

♪ Pat sprinkler guy ♪

♪ Ahoo... ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Uncle Pat ♪

He go... [sputters]

[all sputter]

♪ Oh, did the rain no come ♪

♪ Pat make the water, the ground ♪

♪ Oh, Pat ♪

[all] ♪ Oh-hoo ♪

♪ Pat come ♪

[audience laughs]

♪ Oh... ♪

[all] ♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Pat make the water ♪

♪ So the animals don't go to sleep ♪

♪ Pat ♪

[all] ♪ Pat ♪

♪ P ♪

[all] ♪ P ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ T ♪

[all] ♪ T ♪

♪ If Pat were an animal ♪

♪ Pat would be an elephant ♪

[sputtering]

[vocalizing]

♪ Ah! Hoo... ♪

Thank you.

[audience cheering and applauding]

Pat.

Pat.

Thank you...

That was great.

Oh man.

[vocalizing]

Did not let me back after yesterday.

They'll make you a prince after that.

If we...

Okay? Hey, I feel, feels like rain. How about you guys?

[laughs]

[Drew laughs] The guy just smoked up some sprinkles.

Uh...

[vocalizing]

[laughs]

Thousand, 50, 50,000, 50...

Now let's go on a game called Scenes from a Hat.

Scenes from a Hat is for the all four of you.

Ryan and Colin in one side, Greg and Wayne on the other.

What I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna take this very patriotic hat here.

And what we do is before the show,

we asked the audience to write down scenes they'd like to see.

And we're gonna have these guys come up

with as many different examples of these scenes as we can.

Let's start out.

State mottoes rejected for license plates.

Mississippi: We do too have all our teeth.

[buzzer rings]

[audience whoops]

Utah:

30,000 wives can't be wrong.

Miami.

The land that time remembered.

-[buzzer rings] -Miami is a city.

Florida.

Not to be confused with Miami.

Montana.

How fast can you drive?

[buzzer rings]

Texas:

Capital punishment rocks.

You got that right, bubba!

What God created on an off day?

"And I shall call it the other white meat."

"Hey, buddy.

I'm Pauly Shore."

[laughs]

And they shall be known as the Dodgers.

Bad things to hear from the doctor who's operating on you.

"That's a good looking wife you have."

[buzzer buzzes]

"You are my first patient in America."

[buzzer buzzes]

Ooh, that's different.

[buzzer buzzes]

Fire me? [scoffs]

Sure, fire me.

President Clinton's things to do list.

Switch to a pipe.

[buzzer buzzes]

When having an affair...

Pick someone good looking.

[audience cheers]

[Drew] Okay, thank you very much.

That's it.

We're going to go to commercial. We'll be right back

with more Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Right after this, don't go anywhere.

Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

That's right.

The points don't matter just like a congressman from Rhode Island.

Wow. You seem to have the entire state of Rhode Island in there.

[laughs]

Now let's go on to a game called Change Emotions.

It's called change emotions for Ryan, Colin and Greg.

What happens is these guys gonna act out a scene and, uh...

These objects...

Why don't you grab one

There you go. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Safety please. -Easy big fella.

Yeah.

Each item that I gave them, uh...

...has a particular emotion attached to it.

-And what we are holding is-- -[laughs]

Yeah.

Whosever holding the prop has to display that emotion.

And your scene is...

Your big game hunters and your lost in the jungle.

And the canteen represents lust.

And, uh...

at the jungle knife.

The jungle knife represents fury.

Like you are furious if your holding the jungle knife.

So go ahead and start the scene.

Why are there so many trees in the jungle?

Hey calm down. They're part of the ecosystem, dude.

Look!

You're only on this trip because we needed someone to carry the pack.

Whoa!

You need to take it--

[yelling] We need that water.

We're almost out of water.

All the liquid's almost gone.

You don't have anymore. You take care of it.

God, you look really strong with that knife in your hand.

I never noticed the cut of your jib before.

But you're my kind of explorer.

Hey, take it easy. Why do you let me cut the trail for a while.

No. Let me lick the trail clean.

All right, Maybe he's right.

Argh!

Hey.

That was uncalled for.

Excuse me.

-I'm sorry. -Excuse me.

I'm the head of the expedition.

This is not right.

Yes, run through the forest and cut there on the plants,

since it's already in you.

You're having some issues? Aren't you?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

[audience applauds]

Well, Mr. Third Wheel

will just bleed over here, if it's all right with you.

Oh, don't be such a grouse.

Here. I'll take it out.

Oh, look at the mess you made.

Oh, clean that off.

Will you clean this?

-Do you have to do everything on this-- -Yeah.

Yes, I will.

[buzzer buzzes]

[clapping]

That was 1000 points.

Now don't play with him on the way home.

We don't want you to get into a car accident.

Now, let's go onto a game called... [laughs]

Greatest hits.

This is for Colin, Ryan and Wayne with Laura Hall on piano,

Linda Taylor on guitar.

Colin and Ryan are our TV commercial guys,

talking about a big compilation album

that's trying to sell,

and they're gonna try to get Wayne

to sing different types of songs that they're gonna make for him.

Try to trick him up.

What we need from the audience is something you look for in the yellow pages.

[man from audience] Exterminator.

[woman from audience] Taxi.

[Drew] Exterminator.

[woman 2] Dog groomer.

Exterminator.

So the album is...

Songs of the exterminator. Good luck, Wayne.

We'll be back to our nature documentary,

Baggy, the Anorexic Elephant, in just a second.

You know...

-Hey Colin. -Yes, Ryan.

Question. Is this CD set safe for the kids?

Answer.

Yes, it is. And not only that,

it's cholesterol free.

All right, moving right along.

we put together 60 songs on a two CD set about the exterminator.

That's right. We have more hits than Dodgers opponents.

We're gonna start off with one of our favorite rockabillies

The Stray Cats, "Ooh, a Spider."

[music playing]

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Well, I just moved into a house just the other day ♪

♪ When I saw an arachnid come in on my way ♪

♪ That thing was big that I could ride her ♪

♪ Oh my God, it's a spider ♪

♪ Come on, little spider ♪

♪ Why don't you make your web? ♪

♪ Oh, little spider ♪

♪ You have got eight legs ♪

♪ Oh spider, don't you see? ♪

♪ Help me ♪

[audience applauding]

You know the range of artists on this CD set is incredible.

I think one of my favorites would be the great Eartha Kitt hit,

Kitt hit?

[laughing]

The great Eartha Kitt hit.

"You Go Under the House".

[music playing]

♪ Rrrr... Darling ♪

♪ I've just moved in to a new place ♪

♪ But under the house is a place I can't face... ♪

[roars]

♪ You need to... ♪

♪ Find some Raid on the shelf ♪

♪ And go under the house ♪

♪ Your own damn self ♪

♪ Under the house... ♪

♪ Under the house cause I'm afraid of the spiders ♪

♪ And of the mouse ♪

[roars]

[audience applauds]

Still brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Sure it does, those days are gone.

Yeah.

But are they?

-Yeah, they are. -They are.

But you know...

We have more hits than you can possibly think about.

One of my personal favorite artist is the wonderful artist named Cher.

And although I love much of her late stuff,

Her early stuff was the stuff that I really, really loved.

It was good stuff.

Let's not say stuff anymore.

Okay.

But you remember this great hit?

"Ants, Rats and Gypsy Moths"?

[music playing]

♪ Oh ♪

♪ There somebody said, over there ♪

♪ I've got rodents and pests ♪

♪ Stalking my hair ♪

♪ Oh Lord and please forgive me ♪

♪ I need someone to save me ♪

♪ From the ants, the roaches and the gypsies in my hall ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ The gypsy moths They bite my feet ♪

♪ Oh-ho ♪

♪ And the ants, They move to this beat ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Little mole in a hole and a vole ♪

♪ Gypsy moth in the local area ♪

♪ Oh Lord I love the gypsy moths ♪

♪ Oh Lord ♪

[audience applauding]

Don't go away, we'll be right back

to more Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Find out who the winner is, don't go anywhere.

Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Tonight's winner, by some strange reason, is Greg Proops.

I don't know it happened, but there he is.

What we're gonna do with the rest of the second part is

we're going to be doing a hoedown for you.

A big old hoedown with our Laura Hall on the piano.

What I need from the audience...

One of you guys... I need a suggestion of a group of people that you hate.

[indistinct shouting]

Village People. Village People.

Let's do the...

Village People hoedown.

Village People.

[music playing]

[audience clapping]

♪ I love the Village People ♪

♪ Now please don't get me wrong ♪

♪ I love Y.M.C.A ♪

♪ Girl, that's my song ♪

♪ But you see in San Francisco, is where they belong ♪

♪ And all the Village People inspired me to wear my thong ♪

[whistling]

♪ I love the Village People, they give me confidence ♪

♪ Even though I'm not too bright ♪

♪ I am rather dense ♪

♪ I have a fat white body and I don't have a tan ♪

♪ But when I put on leather pants I am a macho man ♪

[audience cheering]

[whoops]

♪ About the Village People, I have lot of facts ♪

♪ Did you know they made a movie? Yes they acts ♪

♪ It's really is quite wonderful, I can't believe my eyes ♪

♪ If you laid them end to end, I wouldn't be surprised ♪

[laughs]

♪ I don't like the Village People, I think they're kind of rude ♪

♪ Don't you know their lyrics can be kind of crude ♪

♪ When it's on my stereo I always hit the mute ♪

♪ But I'll have to admit the Indian's kind of cute ♪

Hey, we'll be right back to Whose Line Is It Anyway? Don't go anywhere.

Hey welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

For you on the show tonight, Ryan and Greg read the credits.

I want you to read the credits

like, uh, two frat boys spending spring break at a crowded beach.

So, go ahead and start.

Good night everybody, we'll see you next time on Whose Line.

[audience applauding]

-Dan Patterson, right? -Yeah.

[both] Oh, man.

Tom Park's there.

-Drew Carey. -Oh.

Hello. Oh, yeah.

Hello!

That's martini she's knocking back there, huh?

Keith Richmond's wearing a thong.

-That's nice to see. -It sure is.

How about Stacy Gale?

She's got a little sand in her face,

and you can't beat that, know what I mean?

[laughs]

Alpha, gamma, phi.

Dude, dude, get up.

Dude, the show is over.