Original subtitles

On tonight's show,

he's cuckoo for coco puffs, Brad Sherwood!

He stays crunchy, even in milk, Wayne Brady!

He's magically delicious, Colin Mochrie!

And he's got two scoops of raisins in his pants, Ryan Stiles!

I'm the host Drew Carey! Come on down, let's have some fun!

[audience cheering]

Hello! Good evening!

Hello, everybody!

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

That's right. The points don't mean a thing.

If you've never seen the show before,

what happens is these four performers are gonna come out,

they're gonna make everything up,

right off the top of their heads,

all based on suggestions from the audience

and based on what's on these cards here.

They've never seen the suggestions on these cards before,

they don't know what they are.

And, uh, everything's gonna be made up.

And then I give them points. I don't know, it's just a gag to tie the show together.

Doesn't mean anything, it's like, you know,

the warning on a pack of cigarettes.

[audience laughing]

And... [laughs]

The winner gets to do a little something special with me for ya.

[audience exclaiming]

What we do is we take that little special something

and sell it on the internet if you can prove you're over 18 with a credit card.

So, let's get started.

Our first game is called Weird Newscasters.

This is for all four of you.

Brad, you're gonna be the anchor man of the show.

And, uh... [laughs]

Everybody else is gonna help you out.

Colin, you're gonna be the co-anchor.

You're a 1920s gangster under fire in a getaway car.

Wayne, you're doing the sports.

You are in love with the camera operator.

[audience exclaiming, cheering]

Oh, it's gonna be so hard to decide.

They're all so good-looking, but, you know.

[laughs] Good luck.

And, Ryan, you're doing the weather.

You're trying to keep a leaking dam from bursting,

if you know what I'm saying.

[laughs hysterically]

If you know what I mean.

So, Brad, whenever you hear the music,

go ahead and start the news.

[news channel music playing]

Good evening and welcome to the six o'clock news. I'm Clyde Strudlepants.

Well, the heat wave in Antarctica continues

and people are shaving penguins left and right.

We don't know when it's going to stop

but now this story has stopped.

And I must pass over the news desk

to my good friend Desmond Pettibone the third.

I ain't sayin' nothing, see.

Nothin' at all.

Damn it! The cops!

[imitates machine gun] You'll never take me, you lousy coppers!

[laughs maniacally]

Back to you, you dirty lousy punk.

[audience laughing, clapping]

Thank you for that scintillating report.

Well, it's been an exciting day in sports.

So let's find out all the scores with Hardwood Paneling.

-Hardwood? -[Drew laughs]

[audience laughing]

Folks, it's been a great day in sports

and if I say so, I look great myself

because someone knows my good side.

[Drew laughs] [audience laughing]

So, the Raiders are in the news.

[whispers] No, I can't. I'm doing sports. I'm doing sports.

Where you looking at?

You keep that camera on me.

No, no, no, you get this right.

You love me, I love you.

Oh, really? Uh...

I can go out and find myself a hand-held camera operator.

I don't need you.

Let me tell you something, all right?

I've been doing the sports forecast for 15 years!

I'm the best thing that ever happened to you!

You know what you were before you met me?

You were doing little infomercials

on Santa Monica beach with a fat dude wearing blue blockers!

-Come inside, you sucker. -[audience laughing]

Don't hide from...

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

This just in.

Tomorrow we will have a new sportscaster.

[audience laughing]

And now, I think we better find out

what's going on with the weather

'cause it is hot as blazes out there.

Let's check the weather desk with Harry Showerdrain. Harry?

-Hello! -[Drew laughs]

Welcome to the hidey-ho and a hidey-hi-ho, to you!

A little hello to all my friends out there

in Pomona. Sorry you have to live there.

-Well, we've got some beautiful... -[audience laughing]

Some beautiful weather in store for the weekend.

We've got sun popping up all over the place as you can-- Oh...

Oh, my...

Well,

the sun will keep going till the end of the weekend--

Oh...

Sun, sun, sun, all through the week...

[audience laughing]

Oh, no, she's gonna blow!

She's gonna blow!

[screams]

[audience laughing]

This just in, tomorrow we will have another weatherman as well.

That's all the time we have for the six o'clock news. Goodnight.

[audience cheering]

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

A thousand union points to Larry, the camera operator.

Never saw the guy move like that.

[audience cheering]

I never saw a union guy move so fast.

[audience laughing]

Man! It was like...

It was like someone called lunch or something and you were just...

[audience laughing]

Excellent.

[laughs] Let's go on to a game called Duet

for Brad and Wayne.

Brad and Wayne with help from Laura Hall on piano and Linda Taylor on guitar.

-[audience cheering] -[Drew] Why don't you come over to...

you? What's your name?

Michelle. What do you do for a living, Michelle?

I'm a writer-slash-mom.

A writer-slash-mom.

That's okay. Come on down here.

[audience cheering]

How about we give it up for Michelle.

Just go on down and say hi to Wayne and Brad.

Michelle's a writer-mom.

She's a mom who likes to write. Her name is Michelle.

You're gonna sing a song to her like the Gipsy Kings.

If you're not familiar with the Gipsy Kings,

we're big fans of them, it's kind of like Spanish gypsy music.

That's a very good way to put it.

Let's go sing a Gipsy Kings type song to Michelle

who is a mom and a writer.

-[upbeat music playing] -[laughing in sing-song]

♪ My darling ♪

♪ Just listen to me ♪

♪ I'm a believer ♪

♪ Michelle is an overachiever ♪

♪ I look at you ♪

♪ And I think That you're the bomb ♪

♪ Not one job, two You're a writer-slash-mom ♪

Whoo!

♪ Oh, Michelle ♪

♪ You are a sexy girl to me ♪

♪ And I would like to spend With you eternity ♪

[Wayne whooping]

♪ I would like to with you Do something so rash ♪

♪ 'Cause you are a writer mom With a slash ♪

[both] ♪ With a slash ♪

♪ With a slash ♪

♪ She's a writer mom With a slash ♪

♪ With a slash ♪

♪ With a slash ♪

♪ She's a writer mom With a slash ♪

-[whoops] -[audience cheering]

[Drew] Thank you, Michelle.

If you'd like to have a seat. Thank you, Michelle.

[audience applauding]

I wish my mom had been a writer.

And I'll give you 10-- 9,000 points.

Well, 1,000 points for taxes.

Let's go on to a game called Newsflash.

This is for Brad, Ryan and Colin.

Ryan and Brad are two anchors in a studio.

Colin is a field reporter, out in the field.

And, as you can see,

he's in front of a screen there, we call it a green screen.

He can't see-- Turn around and look at that.

He can't see anything that's on there at all. It's just green to him.

It's always going to look green to him.

But, we can put an image on this green screen

that you can see at home but he can't see, all he sees is green.

He has to try to guess what's going on behind him

based on hints that Brad and Ryan will eventually give him.

So, Ryan and Brad. Off to Ryan and Brad in the studio.

So the elephant says, "You should see the monkey."

We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin.

That's right. We have Colin Mochrie out in the field

at the site of a very important goings-on.

Colin, could you please tell us what is, in fact, going on?

Well, uh...

As you say, "A picture is worth a thousand words."

And this has to be worth at least a million.

[Ryan] Colin, are you taking any sort of safety precautions?

Yes.

I painted all my under shirts with led paint.

That may offer me a little bit of protection.

[Brad] You seem to be in over your head, Colin.

Colin, I think you should watch out.

Thanks for the advice, Brad, I will certainly watch out.

[audience laughing]

Did you see that?

[audience cheering]

I'm sorry, it's very hard for me to remain professional.

Colin, I'm fearing for the cameraman's life.

Is Gill okay?

Who... Who the hell cares?

I'm the on-camera talent.

I think he'll be fine. He's union.

[audience laughing]

[Brad] We're worried about you.

But is there any type of debate going on there?

[audience laughing]

I don't think so.

There was debate earlier.

Something about an elephant and monkey joke.

But now it seems to have just stopped.

[Ryan] Colin, it looks like things could be getting out of control.

-Yeah! -Has anybody called the carps?

No, not at all.

-[audience laughing] -I tell you,

I hope this is covered by my insurance.

I think it's an act of cod.

[audience laughing]

Maybe.

Oh!

[Brad] Now, earlier...

[audience cheering]

[Drew] Okay, Colin,

can you guess where you are?

I'm underwater with vicious fish. Sharks!

[audience cheering] [buzzer sounds]

Okay! Don't go away. We'll be right back

with more Whose Line Is It Anyway?

right after this. Stay where you are.

Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

That's right, the points don't matter. It's like the talent portion of a beauty contest.

Who cares.

Now let's play a game called Party Quirks.

This is for all four of you.

Uh, Brad, you're gonna be hosting a party

and why don't you to come over here so you can't see the cards

'cause you have to guess what's on the cards.

Nobody's ever seen these cards before.

And Wayne, Colin and Ryan, they'll be coming in as guests to the party.

We'll be giving them each a strange identity or something to do

and Brad has to guess what they are.

So I'll bring them all in one at a time with the doorbell.

Brad, whenever you're ready, start the party.

Someone scratched my ABBA albums.

[doorbell rings]

Hey! Welcome to the party.

Hey, dude, how you doin'? [imitates tape in fast forward]

Hey.

This is some spread... [in slow motion] you have.

Try the cheese dip. It's fresh.

[distorted speech]

-[doorbell rings] -Hey! Some party you got here.

I'll be right back.

Hey, how you doin', Brad? What's up? Hey--

-Hey, nice spread you got here, man. -Good to see you.

-[doorbell rings] -Hello.

-Here's your drink. I hope you enjoy it. -Oh, thanks.

[audience laughing]

Would you like some nuts?

Oh, I have plenty of nuts right over here on the tray.

-All right. -Oh, take a load off. Relax.

-Enjoy some snacks. -All right.

[doorbell rings]

[imitating sped up speech]

-Hi. -[panting excitedly]

[laughs]

Welcome to the party.

Welcome to the party.

[whoops]

Have you met Shields and Yarnell?

[doorbell ringing]

-[Drew laughs] -[Brad] Hello!

[doorbell ringing] [buzzer sounds]

Get away! Get away! Get away!

-[buzzer sounds incessantly] -Stop ringing my doorbell!

You need some help?

You need some...

[audience laughing, cheering]

[Ryan grunting]

Man, I think I'm gonna go to Brad's house for a party.

[imitates doorbell]

Are you Rerun from What's Happening?

[Drew] No.

Rewind something...

He keeps rewinding back and forth.

[buzzer sounds] [audience cheering]

Whoa!

Look, you shouldn't serve drinks here

when they're all those thirty people on the Titanic.

-[audience cheering] -That's close enough. That's close enough.

[audience exclaiming]

Sorry.

I forgot to put a tag on him.

Come on, come on, come on.

That's a good boy. That's a good boy.

That's a... What did you do on the floor?

What did you do?

Come here. What did you do?

What did you do?

Bad boy! Bad boy!

[growls]

[screams]

[buzzer sounds]

Thank you very much.

He's a dog. [mumbles]

Was anybody else turned on

by the thought

of Brad Sherwood grabbing you by the scruff of the neck

and yelling, "Bad boy, bad boy."

-Drew, Drew, wake up! -[Drew] Oh, sorry.

Talking in my sleep. Excuse me.

You always talk in your sleep.

-[Drew] Huh. -[audience cheering]

[laughs]

Now, let's go on to a game called Scenes from a Hat.

This is for everybody, Scenes from a Hat.

Now I have a little hat here.

And what we do before the show

is we ask the audience to write some suggestions down for us.

And what we do,

we take some of these suggestions, the good ones,

and we put em' in a hat.

Toss the suggestions around.

I'm gonna read them out and see how many they can perform.

Let's start out with

"Rejected theme songs..." Oh, jeez.

"Rejected theme songs from the movie Titanic."

♪ I love the taste Of salt water ♪

♪ Filling my lungs ♪

[buzzer sounds]

♪ Corpses bobbing in the sea ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha Hee hee hee ♪

[buzzer sounds]

[all laughing]

"Presidential slogans that will not get you elected."

I love booty.

I do. Thank you.

[audience cheering]

I got this tattoo in Da Nang.

[audience laughing] [buzzer sounds]

I stand today at this podium...

[shudders]

[audience laughing] [buzzer sounds]

I'm Jesse Jackson.

[audience laughing] [buzzer sounds]

Okay, "losing science fair projects."

Dumb people say that rodents are flammable.

Well...

[audience laughing] [buzzer sounds]

[audience laughing] [buzzer sounds]

[Drew] All right.

"Celebrity endorsements doomed to fail."

I'm Bette Davis for anti-ageing cream.

[audience laughing] [buzzer sounds]

I'm Mike Tyson for Encyclopedia Britannica.

[audience laughing] [buzzer sounds]

I forgot what the hell I was sellin'.

[audience laughing] [buzzer sounds]

Hi, I'm Colin Mochrie for Rogaine.

[audience laughing] [buzzer sounds]

"Drill sergeant pickup lines."

"Drill sergeant pickup lines."

Boy! You ever touched a rifle?

No.

Want to?

[audience laughing] [buzzer sounds]

I just want to stand here and stare at my privates.

[audience laughing] [buzzer sounds]

We've gotta go to a commercial. We'll be right back

with more Whose Line Is It Anyway?

[audience cheering]

Hey! Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Tonight's winner, Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady's gonna be the winner.

[audience cheering]

Because Wayne is the winner,

the rest of us are going to punished

by having to do our favorite game,

Hoedown!

Yeah!

-[whoops] -[audience cheering]

So, what we need from the audience

is a suggestion of a vice. Something you think is a vice.

[audience shouting out suggestions]

Drinking.

We'll do the drinking hoedown.

So whenever you're ready, the drinking hoedown.

Of course, Laura Hall on the piano is gonna take us away.

-Go ahead, Laura. -[audience cheering]

[jolly music playing]

[audience clapping]

♪ I can't find my car keys 'Cause I'm so full of booze ♪

♪ I smell just like vodka I just threw up on my shoes ♪

♪ I don't even know Where I put my pants ♪

♪ So I'm just gonna wear A lampshade ♪

♪ And run around and dance ♪

[audience cheering]

♪ Well, thinking of songs In a hoedown ♪

♪ Puts me to the test ♪

♪ And to tell you Really frankly ♪

♪ I'm not at my best ♪

♪ I'd do better ♪

♪ I could really think ♪

♪ But ABC ♪

♪ Well They don't let me drink ♪

[audience cheering]

♪ The other day While playing golf ♪

♪ I had a lot to drink ♪

♪ As I reached the first tee I could barely think ♪

♪ I hit the ball really hard ♪

♪ The guy is barely alive ♪

♪ Which this goes to prove ♪

♪ If you drink, don't drive ♪

[audience cheering]

♪ I got naked in a bar I took off all my clothes ♪

♪ How I ever got that drunk Nobody knows ♪

♪ I passed out naked On the bar ♪

♪ I only had a sip ♪

♪ The waitress Came to clean up ♪

♪ And I said, "Keep the tip" ♪

[all] ♪ Said keep the tip ♪

Thank you very much.

We'll be right back for more Whose Line Is It Anyway?

right after this. Don't go anywhere.

Hey! Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Uh, tonight,

to read the credits is Brad and Ryan,

and Brad and Ryan, you're gonna read the credits

as Deep South hog callers callin' in your pigs.

So, goodnight, everyone and thanks for watching. We'll see you next time.

[yodeling] Mark Leveson!

Drew Carey, Carey, Carey!

Jimmy Mulville! Hoo-hoo!

Bruce Gowers!

[both whooping]

Kieran Healy!

Oh, Steven Blum!

Lionel Max Pasamonte!

Stacy Gale!

Delia Frankel!

[whooping]

[yelling indistinctly]

[audience cheering]