Original subtitles

Drew: GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY,

AND WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

ON TONIGHT'S SHOW -- "MAY I SEE YOUR LICENSE?" WAYNE BRADY.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING?" CHIP ESTEN.

"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT" COLIN MOCHRIE.

AND "OH, YOU'LL TALK" RYAN STILES!

I'M YOUR HOST DREW CAREY. COME ON DOWN.

LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.

♪ DA-DA DA-DA-DA ♪

YES, HELLO.

I DON'T GET IT, EITHER.

WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?",

THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP,

AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.

YEP, JUST LIKE THE POLICE DEPARTMENT IN COLOMBIA.

OUR PERFORMERS MAKE UP EVERYTHING YOU SEE

RIGHT ON THE SPOT HERE

BASED ON SUGGESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE

AND THINGS WRITTEN ON THESE CARDS.

THEY'VE NEVER SEEN THESE SUGGESTIONS.

AT THE END, WE PICK A WINNER.

THE WINNER GETS TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.

THE LOSER GETS TWO TRIPS

ABOARD THE BEAUTIFUL QUEEN MARY.

NOT THE BOAT, BUT, UH, YOU KNOW...

WE'RE DOING THE BEST WE CAN.

SO --

HA HA HA HA.

LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT.

LET'S START IT OFF WITH "LET'S MAKE A DATE."

THIS IS ALL FOUR.

CHIP, YOU'RE APPEARING ON A DATING-TYPE SHOW,

AND RYAN, COLIN, AND WAYNE ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE

YOU GET TO CHOOSE FROM.

WE'VE GIVEN THEM EACH

A STRANGE CHARACTERISTIC OR IDENTITY.

CHIP'S GOING TO TRY TO ESTABLISH WHO THEY ARE.

WHENEVER YOU'RE READY, CHIP, OFF YOU GO.

BACHELOR NUMBER ONE, HI, HOW ARE YOU?

HEY, DUDE.

[ IMITATES KENNY ]

YEAH, DUDE, THAT'S FUNNY.

WOW. EDGY.

BACHELOR NUMBER TWO, I'M REALLY DRUNK RIGHT NOW.

IF YOU WERE A DRINK,

WHAT KIND OF DRINK WOULD YOU BE?

DRINK.

I'M NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING!

NOTHING! YOU'RE INHUMAN!

[ SOBBING ]

SHUT UP.

Chip: BACHELOR NUMBER THREE, IF YOU WERE IN A ZOO,

WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL WOULD YOU BE,

AND WHY?

WELL, I CAN'T REALLY TELL YOU,

OR THAT WOULD RUIN THE WHOLE THING,

BUT I'D LOVE A DATE WITH YOU,

AND I'D JUST EAT YOU UP.

MYSTERIOUS. BACHELOR NUMBER ONE,

YOU SEEM LIKE A REALLY FUN KIND OF GUY.

WHERE WOULD YOU TAKE ME ON A DATE?

[ Imitating Cartman ] I DON'T KNOW.

I MIGHT TAKE YOU TO GO GET SOME CHEESY POOFS.

I DON'T KNOW.

[ Imitating Chef ] WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

♪ I MIGHT WANT TO TAKE YOU DOWN TO THE LAKE SIDE ♪

♪ I WANT TO TAKE YOU DOWN, BABY ♪

LET'S GO, CHILDREN. HA HA HA HA.

YOU SOUND DOUBLE-DREAMY.

BACHELOR NUMBER TWO...

IF WE GET MARRIED,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A LOT OF CHILDREN?

YOU KNOW I CAN'T ANYMORE!

[ GROANS ]

[ MAKES SIZZLING SOUND ]

AAH! AAH!

AAH!

Wayne: OH, MY GOD,

THEY KILLED BACHELOR NUMBER TWO!

WELL, WHOEVER I CHOOSE, YOU PEOPLE CAN PARTY.

BACHELOR NUMBER THREE, WOULD YOU MAKE

A GOOD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, AND WHY?

OH, I THINK I'D MAKE THE BEST PRESID--

[ BUZZER ]

ALL RIGHT, CHIP -- HA HA HA HA.

GUESS WHO THEY ARE.

OKAY, BACHELOR NUMBER ONE

IS THE ENTIRE CAST OF "SOUTH PARK."

YES.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GUESSED IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT GAVE IT AWAY.

BACHELOR NUMBER TWO IS A TORTURE VICTIM.

YES.

BETTER THAN THAT,

HE'S A MEDIEVAL TORTURE VICTIM.

UH-HUH. TWIST.

BACHELOR NUMBER THREE IS A...VULTURE?

YES.

1,000 POINTS, EACH OF YOU.

HEY, REMEMBER WHEN THESE POINTS

USED TO BE WORTH SOMETHING?

LET'S GO ON TO A GAME

CALLED "3-HEADED BROADWAY STARS."

THIS IS FOR WAYNE, COLIN, AND RYAN,

WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL, LINDA TAYLOR.

THEY'RE GOING TO PRETEND TO BE

A STRANGE 3-HEADED BROADWAY STAR.

THEY'RE GOING TO SING A BROADWAY HIT.

THEY HAVE TO MAKE UP THE SONG ONE WORD AT A TIME,

EACH SINGING ONLY ONE WORD.

WHAT WE NEED

IS THE SUGGESTION OF AN UNLIKELY MUSICAL.

[ SHOUTING ]

WHAT?

"LUMBERJACKS IN LOVE."

NOW, GIVE ME THE TITLE OF THE BIG HIT LOVE SONG

FROM "LUMBERJACKS IN LOVE."

"TIMBER."

SO, YOU'RE GOING TO SING THE BIG HIT LOVE SONG

ONE WORD AT A TIME --

"TIMBER," FROM "LUMBERJACKS IN LOVE."

TAKE IT AWAY.

♪ TREES ♪

♪ FALL ♪

♪ DOWN ♪

♪ MY ♪

♪ JOB ♪

♪ IS ♪

♪ TO ♪

♪ LET ♪

♪ THEM ♪

♪ DROWN ♪

♪ EVERY ♪

♪ DAY ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ WONDER ♪

♪ WHY ♪

♪ AND ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ CUT ♪

♪ DOWN ♪

♪ THOSE ♪

♪ LUMBER ♪

♪ TIMBER ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ SHOUT ♪

♪ USING ♪

♪ MY ♪

♪ MOUTH ♪

♪ TO ♪

♪ SCREAM ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ LAUGH ♪

♪ AT ♪

♪ ME ♪

♪ BUT ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ DON'T ♪

♪ CARE ♪

♪ IF ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ SEE ♪

♪ TIMBER ♪

♪ TIMBER ♪

♪ TIMBER ♪

♪ CRUSHING ♪

♪ PEOPLE ♪

♪ IS ♪

♪ ITS ♪

♪ REWARD ♪

♪ WOULD ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ LIKE ♪

♪ TO ♪

♪ BRING ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ SWORD? ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ WANT ♪

♪ TO ♪

♪ LET ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ SLICE ♪

♪ MY ♪

♪ LUMBER ♪

♪ TIMBER ♪

♪ IS ♪

♪ LOVE ♪

♪ AND ♪

♪ EVERY ♪

♪ ONE ♪

♪ LOVES ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ STEVE ♪

♪ MY ♪

♪ ONLY ♪

♪ WISH ♪

♪ COULD ♪

♪ BE ♪

♪ TO ♪

♪ HOLD ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ CLOSE ♪

[ BUZZER ]

400 POINTS TO EACH OF YOUR WIVES

FOR STICKING WITH YOU.

WE'RE GOING TO CONTINUE WITH A GAME CALLED "PROPS."

DIVIDE INTO TWO GROUPS -- RYAN AND CHIP,

COLIN AND WAYNE.

RYAN AND CHIP, THIS IS YOUR PROP.

DINK. SORRY. DINK.

OH, MAN, THIS IS HEAVY.

THIS IS YOUR PROP RIGHT HERE.

AND ANOTHER. YOU NEED TWO OF THEM.

RYAN AND CHIP, COME UP WITH AS MANY GOOD IDEAS

FOR THESE PROPS AS YOU CAN.

YEAH, ANOTHER DAY, AND I THINK I'LL POP IT.

[ BUZZER ]

NOBODY'S GOING FOR THIS PEPTO-BISMOL ON A STICK.

SELL IT!

CLEAR!

[ BUZZER ]

SOMEBODY STOP ME!

[ BUZZER ]

TODAY WE BURY MADONNA.

[ BUZZER ]

[ Imitating Archie Bunker ] JEEZ, MEATHEAD,

DON'T YOU SEE I'M SITTING IN MY FAVORITE CHAIR?

[ BUZZER ]

SO, YOU COME HERE OFTEN?

NO, I LIKE WOMEN!

[ BUZZER ]

I REALLY THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP MY CAREER.

[ BUZZER ]

GET A LOAD OF HER! WHOA!

[ BUZZER ]

JACOB SAYS WE MUST HAVE THE MILK CHURNED

BY THE MORNING.

[ BUZZER ]

APPARENTLY HORTON HEARD A HOO.

REALLY?

YEAH.

[ BUZZER ]

[ CACKLING ]

STUPID BABOON.

[ BUZZER ]

LEIA, WHERE ARE YOU, LEIA?

[ BUZZER ]

THAT'S ENOUGH RIGHT THERE.

AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

HEY, WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?",

THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING'S MADE UP,

AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER,

JUST LIKE THE WORD "INTERNATIONAL"

IN INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES.

NOW LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "STAND, SIT, LIE."

THIS IS FOR RYAN, COLIN, AND WAYNE.

THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE UP A SCENE.

ONE MUST BE STANDING, ONE MUST BE SITTING,

ONE MUST ALWAYS BE LYING DOWN.

IF ANYONE CHANGES THE POSITIONS,

THE OTHER ONES HAVE TO MAKE IT UP FOR THEM.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO'S LAYING DOWN.

GO AHEAD AND PICK ONE.

I AM OLDER.

THE SCENE IS THREE CAMPERS ARE PREPARING FOR BED

IN THE WOODS ON THE NIGHT OF A FULL --

OH, NO. THE SCENE IS...

WAYNE HAS TALKED HER BOYFRIEND COLIN

INTO COMING INTO RYAN'S TATTOO PARLOR.

Wayne: HER?

YES, HER BOYFRIEND.

WAYNE HAS TALKED HER BOYFRIEND COLIN

INTO COMING TO RYAN'S TATTOO PARLOR.

Wayne: HONEY, DON'T YOU FEEL GOOD

THAT I TALKED YOU INTO COMING TO THIS TATTOO PARLOR?

I'D RATHER BE CAMPING UNDER A FULL MOON.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH A TATTOO.

YOU WANT A BAR CODE ON HERE?

NO, I DON'T WANT A BAR CODE!

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

I'VE GOT A BAR CODE HERE AND A UPC SYMBOL.

I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY.

WHY ARE YOU UPSET? WE'RE PAYING YOU!

I CAN'T HANDLE MUCH MORE OF THIS.

DON'T YELL AT THE TATTOO MAN.

HE'S GIVING US A DISCOUNT.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE ONE.

WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A DISCOUNT?

YOU DID ON THE PHONE.

I CERTAINLY DID NOT SAY ANYTHING

ABOUT A DISCOUNT.

I NEVER GIVE DISCOUNTS. THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS.

SO, I'M LYING? OH, NO, NO, NO. OH, NO.

MY HUSBAND -- BOYFRIEND, SOON TO BE HUSBAND --

WANTS A TATTOO, AND YOU WILL GIVE HIM ONE

AT A DISCOUNTED RATE, OR I'M GOING TO TELL EVERYONE

THAT YOUR TATTOO PARLOR SUCKS.

IT DOESN'T SUCK.

OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

HONEY! HONEY, GET UP!

HEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU TOOK A NASTY FALL THERE.

IT'S JUST THE THOUGHT OF GETTING A TATTOO

MAKES ME FAINT.

I GOT ONE OF THESE EASY ZIPPO TATTOO THINGS.

THERE YOU GO.

THAT'S AMAZING.

WAIT A MINUTE. THIS IS YOUR NAME.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET SO --

[ SOBBING ]

OH, STOP --

[ BUZZER ]

ANOTHER MILLION POINTS FOR EVERYBODY.

I GOT A LOT OF POINTS TODAY.

I BOUGHT THEM AT THE PRICE CLUB.

NOW LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "GREATEST HITS."

THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU

WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL,

LINDA TAYLOR, AND ANNA WANSELIUS.

ANNA WANSELIUS.

LINDA TAYLOR, LAURA HALL.

COLIN AND RYAN, YOU'RE TV VOICEOVER GUYS

TALKING ABOUT THE LATEST COMPILATION ALBUM,

AND THEN THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE UP NAMES OF SONGS.

WAYNE AND CHIP ARE GOING TO SING THE SONGS.

WHAT WE NEED FROM THE AUDIENCE

IS SOMETHING YOU'D LOOK TO FIND IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

DENTISTS. SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT ONE. DENTISTS.

LET'S HEAR THE ALBUM.

THE ALBUM IS "SONGS OF THE DENTIST."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO OUR NATURE DOCUMENTARY --

"LIPPY, THE LEMMING WITH AN ALTERNATE LIFESTYLE,"

IN JUST A SECOND.

YOU KNOW, COLIN, NOBODY LIKES TO GO TO THE DENTIST,

BUT IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE EASIER WHILE LISTENING

TO OUR 3-CD SET WITH "SONGS OF THE DENTIST."

OH, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

NO, I'M NOT.

THERE ARE SONGS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD

ON THIS, INCLUDING THAT NUMBER-ONE SALSA HIT

"JUST SAY NO...VOCAIN."

[ PLAYING SALSA MUSIC ]

Wayne: OOH-HA!

WHOO!

[ Spanish accent ] ♪ BEFORE YOU PUT ♪

♪ THE DRILL IN MY MOUTH, DON'T BE DUMB ♪

♪ YOU BETTER USE A LOT OF NOVOCAIN ♪

♪ TO MAKE MY GUMS NUMB ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IF IT HURTS VERY MUCH, OUT I MUST PASS ♪

♪ OOH ♪

♪ AND I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR LAUGHING GAS ♪

♪ SO SAY, NOVOCAIN ♪

♪ WHEN YOU ARE FEELING PAIN ♪

♪ OH, JUST SAY NO-NO-NO-NO ♪

♪ NOVOCAIN ♪

BOY, THIS IS A GREAT SELECTION OF SONGS, COLIN.

WELL, WE WOULDN'T BE SELLING IT IF IT WAS BAD.

NEIL DIAMOND, NEIL YOUNG, PAUL McCARTNEY --

THOSE ARE JUST SOME OF THE NAMES

OF GUYS WHO CAN SING.

BUT ONE OF MY FAVORITES WHO'S ACTUALLY ON THIS ALBUM

IS THE INCREDIBLE WILSON PICKETT,

AND OF COURSE THAT GREAT HIT OF HIS,

"IT HAS TO COME OUT."

[ PLAYING SOUL MUSIC ]

♪ HUH ♪

♪ OW ♪

ALL RIGHT, NOW!

WHOO!

♪ HEY, NOW, I TOOK A TRIP TO THE DENTIST ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKE HIM THE BEST ♪

♪ BUT I HAD TO MAKE A VISIT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I HAD AN ABSCESS ♪

♪ MY LITTLE FILLINGS ARE RUSTED ♪

♪ AND THAT'S WHY HE HAD TO PULL MY BICUSPID ♪

♪ OH, IT HAD TO COME OUT ♪

♪ COME ON, NOW ♪

AAH!

OW!

♪ I SAID, IT HAD TO COME OUT ♪

♪ HERE WE GO NOW ♪

♪ I TRIED TO USE A DOORKNOB ♪

♪ AN ANVIL FOR GRAVITY ♪

♪ LORD, TRY TO HELP ME PULL THAT TOOTH ♪

♪ 'CAUSE OF THE CAVITY ♪

♪ OH, MY DENTIST REALLY WORKED, HE REALLY WAS A TRYER ♪

♪ FIRST HE TRIED TO DRILL, AND THEN HE TRIED THE PLIERS ♪

♪ OH, HE MADE ME SCREAM AND SHOUT ♪

♪ LORD, IT'S GOT TO COME OUT ♪

♪ LORD, IT'S GOT TO COME OUT ♪

♪ BABY, BABY, THERE AIN'T NO DOUBT ♪

OOH, OW.

BOY.

THAT SONG NEVER FAILS TO BRING A TEAR

TO MY STOMACH LINING.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, HEAVY METAL.

OH.

ONE OF MY -- WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAVORITE,

BUT I LIKE IT.

IT'S THAT HEAVY METAL CLASSIC

"I AIN'T WEARIN' NO BRACES."

[ HEAVY METAL PLAYING ]

♪ NOW LOOK AT ME ♪

♪ I LIKE TO EAT MEAT ♪

♪ I EAT MEAT ♪

♪ I THINK RED MEAT -- IT'S A REALLY GOOD TREAT ♪

♪ I'M IN A LOT OF PAIN, YEAH ♪

♪ I SHOULD WEAR MY RETAINER ♪

♪ I SHOULD WEAR BRACES -- YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ♪

♪ WHY DON'T YOU JUST LOOK AT ♪

♪ I REALLY DON'T CARE ♪

♪ IF MY TWO FRONT TEETH ARE CROOKED, YEAH ♪

♪ I DON'T WANT TO JUST LOOK AT HIM ♪

♪ HIS MOLARS ARE FULL OF ALUMIN-IMIUM ♪

YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH!

[ BUZZER ]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

TO FIND OUT WHO THE WINNER IS.

WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

TONIGHT'S WINNER -- WAYNE BRADY.

SO, HE'S GOING TO SIT AT THE DESK.

THE REST OF US ARE GOING TO DO A HOEDOWN.

YEAH!

YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO DO A HOEDOWN.

WHAT WE NEED FROM THE AUDIENCE IS A SUGGESTION

OF A TYPE OR GROUP OF PEOPLE YOU HATE.

[ SHOUTING ]

NO, CAR SALESMAN. THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

THE CAR SALESMAN HOEDOWN -- THAT'S A GOOD ONE --

WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL ON THE PIANO.

LET'S DO THE CAR SALESMAN HOEDOWN.

Chip: YEE-HAW!

TULSA, OKLAHOMA, SALUTE!

♪ I WENT DOWN TO MY DEALERSHIP ♪

♪ I TRIED TO BUY A CAR ♪

♪ HE TRIED TO SELL A LEMON, BUT HE DIDN'T GET TOO FAR ♪

♪ I FOUND A LOT OF STEALS AND I FOUND A LOT OF DEALS ♪

♪ AND THEN I BOUGHT A PINTO ♪

♪ BUT IT DIDN'T HAVE NO WHEELS ♪

♪ WELL, I WANTED A CHEVY, BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO GET BORED ♪

♪ AND THEN I THOUGHT, MAYBE A MERCURY ♪

♪ MAYBE I'LL GET ME A FORD ♪

♪ BUT WHEN IT CAME DOWN TO IT, I DIDN'T MAKE A FUSS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY, ANYWAY ♪

♪ SO I'LL JUST TAKE THE BUS ♪

♪ I MET A CAR SALESMAN, HE DIDN'T HAVE NO ETHICS ♪

♪ AND I BELIEVED HIS EVERY LIE ♪

♪ IT REALLY WAS PATHETIC ♪

♪ HE DID HORRIBLE THINGS THAT NO GOOD MAN EVER SHOULD ♪

♪ I CAME HOME EARLY ♪

♪ FOUND HIM CHECKING UNDER MY WIFE'S HOOD ♪

♪ OH, BOY, THOSE GERMAN CARS, DO THEY COST BIG BUCKS ♪

♪ I LOOKED AT THE PRICE TAG, AND I AM FULL OF YUKS ♪

♪ OH, THOSE PORSCHES, MORE EXPENSIVE THAN THE OTHERS ♪

♪ UNLESS YOU'RE DREW CAREY ♪

♪ AND GET IT FREE FROM WARNER BROTHERS ♪

♪ BROTHERS ♪

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS.

HEY, WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

WE'RE GOING TO END THE SHOW TONIGHT

WITH COLIN READING THE CREDITS.

READ THE CREDITS

LIKE AN ANGRY SCHOOL BUS DRIVER.

THANKS FOR WATCHING, EVERYBODY.

DAN PATTERSON, SIT DOWN!

I TOLD YOU ALREADY TO SIT DOWN!

DENISE O'DONOGHUE, DON'T YOU SPIT GUM!

I CAN'T SEE, YOU IDIOT KIDS!

SIT BACK! BACK! BACK!

I MEAN YOU, BRUCE RYAN!

I MEAN YOU, KEITH RICHMOND!

ALL RIGHT, OUT OF THE BUS!

ALL RIGHT, THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM!

I'M THROWING YOU OUT OF THE BUS!

OUT! OUT!

-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC. AND WARNER BROS. INC.