Original subtitles

[squelches]

Ugh.

try the wild leeks.

It’s kind of a relaxing palette cleanser between battles.

[Speckle] True!

So, how are things going

‐with your new girlfriend? ‐Oh, yeah.

We went out the other night and we had a really‐‐

Quick, the Ruby Dragon has kidnapped Princess Zenyth.

‐Follow me... ‐[Speckle] Oh, boring.

I wish we could skip this part.

Let’s keep collecting plants instead.

I just found wild mushrooms!

Oh, hell yeah!

Do you accept this mission?

[both] Nope.

Hieee.

Hey Sweeties

I’m just big gaming with Big Harry Sally & 69

Oh, wazzup, Bertie B!

Do you mind if I stay up for a while,

tearing shit up hardcore with my homie?

We’re foraging and shizz!

Oh, yeah, go for it.

I’ve got, um... organizing to do.

So anyways, things are going great with Ariana,

but sometimes, I feel like

I can’t effectively communicate with her.

Like she’s afraid of being vulnerable.

‐Y’know? ‐I get it.

Have you tried telling each other

every single thought or feeling you ever have?

No, I don’t‐‐

Men! You must come with me!

Princess Zenyth is in grave danger.

Not now, Orc!

‐Oh, no! ‐[grunts]

Okay.

Ooh, look!

They had seeds in their vest!

We can plant so many varieties of lettuce!

Sweet!

[buzzing]

Nope, too scary!

I need to stop shopping for sex toys

when I’m super horny.

Old reliable!

Always shakes loose a ’gasm!

[Speckle] Ooh, my tomato seeds are sprouting!

Whoo‐hoho!

[vibrator buzzing]

Geoffrey, we can’t be together!

You are already betrothed to another!

But yours are the only milk biscuits I love.

Bertie, you must marry me!

[vibrator buzzing]

Hmm!

‐[thunder rumbling] ‐Oh, bother!

‐[wind gusts] ‐[hooves thudding]

[gasps]

‐Having a little trouble? ‐[lightning cracks]

Eek! Pastry Pete!

Allow me to help you with this.

[gasps]

[explodes]

[waves crash]

[crunches]

‐[vibrator buzzing] ‐Oh, my...

What the shit was that?

[Speckle] Yeah, tomato harvest!

Yo, this community garden is poppin’ off!

♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie

♪ Bertie & Tuca And Tuca & Bertie ♪

♪ Tuca & Bertie [vocalizes]

[crowd cheers]

[Tuca and Bertie vocalizing]

[vocalizing continues]

‐[bell rings] ‐Oh!

Whatcha looking at?

‐Oh, nothing. ‐Oh!

Just scrolling through every single thing

ever posted by that girl I hung out with the other night.

Ooh, is this just a crush kinda thing,

or a "maybe one day, she’ll help me move" kinda thing?

I don’t know! Probably platonic.

Dude, be careful while creeping on her social!

Why? What do you mean?

‐[beeps] ‐Oops!

Tuca, that pic is from five years ago,

‐you’re gonna get caught! ‐How do I undo this?

Unlike! Unlike!

Shit, why can’t I unlike?

Eep!

I’m sympathy cringing now!

Ow! Ew! Ow! Ooh!

Bertie, don’t panic. I have a plan.

We just break into Kara’s house,

steal her phone,

and smash it with a hammer.

[Tuca] Then we both kill ourselves.

In our suicide notes, we blame "technology"!

Oh, no!

Now, someone’s commenting on my old photos!

Oh!

Okay, hold up.

Operation Hammer Smash has been called off.

[upbeat music]

What’s up, Tuca!

Hey, girl, hey!

How’s it hangin’, Tooky?

Low and lazy!

You want your usual?

Not today, Sam, just browsing!

Hi, I bought this vibrator three years ago

and I need to return it.

Oh, sure, yeah.

We can just put it back on the shelf.

No! It gave me a problematic fantasy.

Um, last night,

I imagined my old, abusive boss!

And then this morning, it happened again!

Let me take a look.

[machine whirs, beeps]

Okay.

[machine whirs, beeps]

But it gave me sex nightmares!

I’m sorry, vibrators can’t do that.

Oh, well, except that one.

[dark music]

[whimpers]

‐[phone vibrates] ‐"Hi."

Oh, should I respond with something normal

or something sexty?

[camera shutter clicks]

[chimes]

[beeps]

[laughing]

Any luck getting a refund?

Nope, let’s get out of here.

Okay, one sec.

My cervix hurts just looking at that thing.

I’m gonna use it to change lightbulbs!

[both laugh]

‐Ow! Yeah. Oh. ‐[laughing]

[upbeat music]

[Bertie] Why did you wanna walk home this way?

[Tuca] It’s the scenic route!

Look upon this gorgeous vista

with its robust examples of civil engineering!

Huh.

It is kinda pretty here.

Yeah, isn’t it?

Goodbye, sex nightmares!

[plops]

[buzzing]

[horn honking]

Oh, no!

This lighthouse is blowing up my spot!

Uh, I think it’s just guiding boats?

Okay, full disclosure.

Kara lives in the lighthouse.

I might be doing some light stalking.

Oh, dang, you really like her!

I think so.

But it’s hard to tell if her texts

are "Friendly Girl" texts

or "Girl‐Friendly" texts, you know what I mean?

Kind of. But Speckle texted me,

"Can we be boyfriend/girlfriend?"

Twenty minutes after our first date,

so my barometer might be skewed.

I just wonder what she’s doing all the time,

like what did she eat for lunch

or what’s her favorite curse word?

Is it [bleep]?

Aw, that’s sweet!

So [bleep] sweet!

[horn honking]

Ooh, roll out!

Goodbye, evil butt plug!

See ya never, dildo of doom!

[water splashes]

[calm music]

You wanna buy some potions? Spells? Weapons?

No, thank you.

Would you like to help harvest some kidney beans?

Uh... Okay, sure?

Hey, BigHairyStallion69,

will you show him where we store our mulch?

Hey, Bertie, what are you up to?

No, nothing.

Uh, how’s your game?

Great!

We’ve almost harvested enough food

to fully stock the soup kitchen!

I’m gonna pause to get a snack.

No! Don’t move!

I’ll get you some, eh... gamer fuel!

Aw, thanks, babe, that’s so nice of you!

Ants on a log with extra ants, coming right up.

[clattering]

Jeez, why are mattresses so heavy?

‐Tuca! ‐What?

You said don’t text and drive!

Why are you getting rid of your mattress anyway?

Well, I ditched my vibrator

but then last night, I had another filthy, nasty,

and surprisingly effective fantasy

about Pastry Pete!

So now, I’m thinking it’s the mattress?

I bought it during a Bird President’s Day sale

back when I was working at the bakery.

So it’s tainted!

Makes perfect sense!

But what if it’s not the mattress or the vibrator

and something’s wrong with me, mentally?

Who knows why brains do these things,

brains are crazy!

Why would my brain do this to me

after all the fish oil and crossword puzzles

I’ve been feeding it?

[grunts]

[groans]

Oh, I don’t know, Tuca.

Maybe I need to unpack this with my therapist

before my subconscious self combusts.

You know who would find this sex nightmare story hilarious?

Kara.

Do not tell her about this!

Why not?

She’s a medical professional.

Okay, fine.

My best friend Bertie is not having effed up fantasies

about her old boss.

Tuca! Don’t!

Fine!

Instead, I’ll just text her something flirty.

‐Uh... Ooh! ‐Ooh! Flirt reciprocated!

Ew! Is she allowed to send you that?

[laughter]

‐[laughs] ‐[enamored sigh]

[both grunting]

[both] Agh!

[upbeat music]

[vibrator buzzing]

So, we’ve already talked about things from my past.

You know, the messed‐up shit.

Mm‐hm. The assault.

Yeah. That.

So, did that just break my brain forever?

And now I’m turned on by freaky‐deaky pervy stuff?

You know, while it may feel shocking and shameful,

feeling arousal can be a normal

and healthy part of processing trauma.

But what happened to me wasn’t arousing at all.

Our sexuality is incredibly complicated.

Maybe your past experience has led you here,

and having fantasies about power and taboo relationships

is part of your healing journey.

[Joanne] It’s a corrective emotional experience,

because this time, you’re in control.

But also, maybe you’d be into this stuff

even if that thing hadn’t happened to you

when you were younger.

Who knows why brains do these things,

brains are crazy!

Ugh.

brains are crazy!

Why am I still upset about this?

Trauma has a way of bubbling back up again,

at very inconvenient times.

Often during the holidays.

It’s like bad plumbing.

Can’t you just snake all that stuff out at once?

[groans]

[squawking]

Oh!

The longer I talk about this shit in here,

the more discombobulated I get.

We’re working on it. These things take time.

Ah! And that’s our time!

But I’m still in pieces!

See you next week!

Wait, how do I face Speckle?

I’m so ashamed.

You could try talking to him about it.

Great.

Can you talk to him for me?

Nope. And you need to get.

My next client is a real piece of work,

so I gotta use this time

to psych myself up for that whole mess.

Argh!

Bertie, your foot.

[groans]

[door opens]

[humming]

[keypad clicks]

[chimes]

[Kara] ♪ I love Crinkles With shrimpy sprinkles ♪

♪ They don’t cure wrinkles Or make you tinkle! ♪

Shrimp‐flavored snack chips with ranch!

Oh, yeah!

The Crinkles jingle!

I can’t believe she remembers it!

[chimes]

[lively music]

Okay, we like the same snack foods.

She’s telling me about her ex‐girlfriend.

It’s time for a gut‐check!

[Tuca] Guts, assemble!

[heroic music]

I have a crush on someone

[heroic music]

‐She loves you! ‐[Tuca] Intestines?

You’re totally friend‐zoned.

PS, crinkles give you diarrhea!

[Tuca] Worth it. What about you, Liver?

Oh, you still wanna be like that, huh?

I said I was sorry about that one spring break!

[Tuca] And all my 20’s!

Ahem. The trajectory of your interpersonal relationships

has been on a swift downturn, but right now,

the most important thing is climate change.

[Tuca] Shut up, Brain, nobody asked you!

Don’t come crying to me when the polar ice caps mel‐‐

I only wanna listen to the grossest parts of my body.

[Tuca] Believe me, they’ve seen it all!

[burps]

[laughs] Oh, yeah.

[vibrator buzzing]

[burbles]

[lively music]

Yo‐yo, Bertie‐ertie, how was therapy?

Boring and normal! Let’s not talk about it!

How’s your, um, your texting?

I need to tell Kara I’m into her without scaring her off.

Can you help me write the most perfect text in the world?

Of course, I’m fantastic at overthinking texts!

‐Let’s see. ‐[keypad clicking]

Oh, no, don’t say that.

‐What should I say? ‐Lemme just...

[whooshes]

How about something like this?

Hmm, maybe something more casual?

If you use the word "chill", she’ll know you’re chill.

Hmm, how about...

[whooshes]

This has a nice sound to it.

Poetic.

Yikes!

‐Anything? ‐Nope.

Just the "maybe she hates me" dots.

I hate those damn dots!

Stop looking at your phone! Don’t freak out!

[sighs]

[lively music]

Dots...

[Tuca] More dots...

[lively music]

Is something wrong with the Wi‐Fi?

Is this apartment suddenly a dead zone?

Speckle, have you paid our family plan?

I sure did! Ooh, that reminds me,

I need to call my sister, Dottie.

Argh!

Ugh, I’m so achy.

I think I’m about to get my period, period, period.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Agh!

[pants]

[clanks]

Argh!

Argh!

Patient in critical condition!

Get them into surgery, stat!

[panting]

I’m looking for Kara. Is she on duty tonight?

Kara? Oh, she’s at Dr. Sullivan’s birthday party

at the bar around the corner.

He’s turning 40... again.

‐Thank you! ‐[elevator bell dings]

[upbeat music playing]

[laughing]

Oh, my god.

Is there room for me in the Enchanted Wood?

Always! I could use a hand with these seedlings!

So, if you wanna pick anything up,

just press "B", and you can‐‐

I am Elfric the Huntress.

Can you help me retrieve the scroll of‐‐

‐Hyah! ‐Ugh!

Oh, damn!

Go, Bertie!

[mimics gunshots]

[Bertie] Yeah, yeah, yeah!

No! Not Damien!

Oh! He just started keeping bees!

Oops, sorry!

Ah... Okay. That’s okay.

So... why did you get rid of our mattress?

Sorry, I’ll get a new one tomorrow!

I panicked.

Sorry, I’ll get a new one tomorrow!

No. Um...

Remember when I told you about that thing

that happened to me

at the Jelly Lakes when I was young?

[fire whooshing]

Yeah, you, you mentioned it once

when we were first dating.

[sighs] I’m so sorry

‐that happened to you. w‐[Game Joel] Hey, guys! g.

Ooh, do you need help battling this dragon?

We’re kinda having a talk right now,

but maybe later!

Oh, my bad!

I’ll go see if the village apothecary

has any phosphorus‐rich fertilizers.

Ah! My experience points.

‐[Red Dragon chomps] ‐Ooh!

Sorry, friend. I’ll avenge you later.

So, you were saying... the Jelly Lakes...

Well, um...

I still get upset about it sometimes.

Wow. Yeah, that, uh... That makes sense.

It must have been very traumatic.

Yeah. And I don’t know if this is related or not,

but sometimes, I, I have weird fantasies.

Like, I get inexplicable crushes on bad dudes.

Like Pastry Pete?

You knew?

Yeah, I mean, I could tell.

I, I don’t actually like him at all!

He’s a terrible person!

It’s just, in my fantasies, sometimes, it feels good.

I’m so ashamed.

It’s okay. Yeah, I...

I think I understand.

[relieved sigh]

Do you have anything weird like that?

Hmm...

I never told you this, but...

when I was young, my best friend’s mom

was a baker.

[Speckle] And I really... liked it.

I liked her.

Oh, yeah?

Listen, I don’t wanna be creepy.

I love you for so many reasons,

but the baking doesn’t hurt!

‐You know? ‐I love you, Speckle.

[smooches]

Wow, this is great!

I feel so much lighter!

Maybe sometime, you could roll my dick up in croissant dough,

like a pig in a blanket. I’m just kidding.

I’m kidding, right? I’m totally kidding.

Unless, you know, you’re...

No, I’m totally kidding!

It’s impossible,

even if I wanted to, you know,

you can’t get it around the, uh...

[lively music]

[background chatter]

One seltzer, please.

Extra bubbly.

‐[Kara laughs] ‐[glass breaks]

[clattering]

You okay there?

Can I ask you something?

Have you ever spent days texting someone

without knowing if they’re into you?

Actually, I just went through something exactly like that.

Oh, yeah?

Whew, glad it’s not just me.

Yeah, see that woman over there?

She never responded to my last text.

And that was weeks ago.

[sighs]

She was such a funny texter!

Damn!

Homegirl is out here texting everybody!

‐[slurps] ‐Tuca.

What are you doing over here?

Trying to hide from me?

You thought I wouldn’t spot my girl

in this crowded room?

Your girl?

Everybody, this is my girl Tuca!

‐Hi, Tuca. ‐Hi, Tuca.

Hi! I’m her girl!

Tuca, this is my girl Kendra,

my girl Liz, my girl Natalie.

Oh, and my girl Gabriela is around here somewhere.

Hey, girl, hi!

Oh, I love this song!

‐Yes! ‐[crowd cheers]

[indistinct chatter]

[all exclaim]

[crowd cheering]

[cheering continues]

[upbeat music playing]

Are you trying to leave without me?

Oh, I don’t know.

Did I ever tell you about the dude who came to the ER

after trying to perform his own appendectomy?

Not yet!

after trying to perform his own appendectomy?

and this dude comes in

carrying his appendix

in a grocery bag!

[Tuca] Did he die?

[Kara] Surprisingly, no.

He actually did a really good job.

We sewed him up and put him on antibiotics

and he was good to go in a week.

‐[Kara] He’s a surgeon now! ‐[Tuca] That’s amazing!

Wanna see pics?

‐They’re gnarly. ‐Yeah!

[both moaning]

[lively music]

Hmm. You smell good!

Is this a new feather conditioner?

[giggling] Nope.

Maybe it’s my beak serum?

Let me see. Mmm.

It’s peach flavored. And melon!

Mmm.

Very nice.

Fruit salad.

[both moan]

Mmm.

‐[gasps] ‐You like this, huh?

You liked how Pastry Pete treated you.

Oh!

[whispers] Is this okay?

I’m just trying something. Maybe it’s too weird!

No. I mean, not too weird.

Oh, so, it’s okay?

Yes.

Cool! Also, it’s great we can do this in here.

Both because it’s hot

but also because you got rid of our mattress.

[both moan]

‐Ooh! ‐[grunts]

[both moan]

Oh.

[vibrator buzzing]

[upbeat music]

[calm music]

Hi!