Original subtitles

Tuca & Bertie ♪

♪ Bertie & Tuca And Tuca & Bertie ♪

♪ Tuca & Bertie ♪ [vocalizes]

[crowd cheers]

‐♪ Tuca ♪ ‐♪ Bertie ♪

[Tuca and Bertie vocalizing]

[vocalizing continues]

[upbeat music]

‐Popcorn? ‐Popped!

‐Lights? ‐Dimmed!

‐Phones? ‐Silenced!

But still within reach

In case the show you picked is boring as hell

What boring‐as‐hell show did you pick?

Buried in Oil.

Everyone at work is obssessed with this show

It chronicles the 1998 oil spill that killed 4,000 birds.

The problem wasn’t the drilling rig.

The problem was society.

Okay, I’m down to watch some corruption.

Just promise you won’t fall asleep?

Psssh, I wouldn’t do that!

It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

You’re a sleepy, sexy grandma bird.

[snoring]

Nice.

You have TV‐induced narcolepsy!

No way. I can stay awake!

[suspenseful music]

You’ve done the right thing.

Tell my daughter that.

Oh, wait, you can’t. She’s...

buried in oil.

[suspenseful music]

[Bertie snores]

Do I know my baby Bertie or what?

Ooh, I’ll bring her to bed

while I test out my new pedometer watch!

[laughs]

Oooh.

I sit so much at work, I got this

to encourage myself to move more.

Look, 16 steps so far!

17, 18, 19!

‐Does it count farts? ‐Uh, no.

I don’t think so‐‐ [farts]

‐[beeps] ‐Ooh!

Okay, cool, bye.

G’night!

Legs, stop being so kicky.

[buzzes]

Brain, stop being so thinky!

[calm music]

[bottles clink]

Hey, do you need help?

Yeah, I’m fine. I just... [groans]

...fell out of this tree, but I’m okay.

Are you sure? I could call someone

or take you to the hospital. It looks bad.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I’m, I’m... No, I’m good on my own.

Really, it’s no trouble.

I’m okay, I don’t need any help!

Okay, take care. Good night.

[light music]

I win.

Pay up!

You old pervert.

[both cackle]

‐[owl hooting] ‐[crickets chirping]

Mm. Hmm.

Ah‐um...

Hmm.

Hi, Mamma. It’s Tuca.

Not much new since yesterday.

It’s almost fall,

the air is getting crispy out here.

Just like how we like our french fries.

I miss you.

And now...

I also miss french fries.

[light music]

Hey, Leanne, the usual.

Fries, extra crispy.

A hardboiled egg, extra dry.

And a Bloody Mary, hold the vodka.

Seriously, hold it,

I don’t drink.

Blend in the bacon.

In a to‐go cup, por favor!

[Plant Teen 1] Did you see Mr. Macaw’s chest plume

peeking out of his shirt today?

It’s so yellow.

[Plant Teen 2] He’s old.

He’s like 29.

You’re so thirsty.

You are!

You’re so thirsty.

[Plant Teen 1] Ho‐bag.

‐[both chuckle] ‐[Plant Teen 3 burps]

I gotta go or Dad will freak.

Can you tip? I’m out of new growth.

Thanks.

[chomps, gulps]

[coins clink]

Stay gold, Leanne.

[quacks]

‐[gulps] ‐[Benny] Hey, you!

[slurps, chokes]

Whatcha doing?

I’m just walking. Can’t sleep.

Me neither.

Throw me up that toy airplane?

I tried to make it fly.

[grunts]

Ah! Mayday, mayday!

[cockroach] Woo‐hoo!

[cockroach laughing]

‐Oops. ‐[sighs]

Speckle? What’s up?

[mumbling]

Okay. Catch ya later, Speckle!

[Speckle mumbles]

[light music]

[clerk over PA] Attention, drugstore customers.

Please stop taking things off of shelves, looking at them,

then placing them on different shelves.

If you are here to buy something,

just buy it.

[shoppers grumble]

[dings]

Oh, my sister’s here!

Visiting hours just ended.

Didn’t stop me yesterday and it won’t stop me tomorrow!

Never change, Iris!

‐[loud thud] ‐Hey, Terry!

Oh, good. You’re here.

‐Auntie Tallulah is flatlining. ‐Oh, no!

I didn’t finish.

Flatlining my will to live.

Nice. You built up suspense.

You can have her. I give up.

Come on, puppies.

[puppies bark]

[machine beeps]

Tucala. Come here, baby.

Hey, Auntie, what’s good?

Bah, your sister’s such a rube!

I asked her to bring me my dressing gowns,

but she brought my evening gowns.

If I’m gonna die, at least let it be with dignity.

And exotic silk.

Come on, you’re not gonna die.

Maybe I should’ve had babies,

but my doctor told me I had a mean uterus.

[thwacks]

Goes along with the mean rest of you!

[laughs] Oh, Tuca.

You’re the only one who understands me.

Which is why I told Terry

you have power of attorney, not her.

Power of attorney? Me?

But Terry’s the oldest, shouldn’t she‐‐

I want you.

Uh... uh... Okay, yeah.

Yeah, I got this!

Good. Now, did you bring my "juice" ?

I got it right here.

Bottom shelf, baby.

Cheap, but it does the job, just like us.

[Tuca and Tallulah chuckling]

[alcohol pouring]

Now, I can sleep.

Wow, power of attorney. Big responsibility.

Interesting choice, giving her alcohol.

I see that shit go down here all the time,

just not usually that flagrantly.

I know, but it makes her happy.

Why do you always get here so late? Are you nocturnal?

Nah. I don’t sleep during the day either.

I believe the medical term is...

"tired but still bangin’".

That checks out. I would know. I’m a nurse.

[calm music]

Okay, tonight, I made coffee to keep me awake.

And instead of water, I used other coffee.

Coffee squared!

We could watch something else!

No way!

Today, Dirk was like...

[in deep voice] ..."Bertie, your frown face

looks just like Mavis

when she realized the oil was still spilling."

[in normal voice] And everyone laughed.

What did he mean?

Do I have resting oil spill face?

Girl... Nah...

Ready?

[slurps]

[lively music]

Uh... just... one moment.

You okay, Bertie‐ertie?

[Bertie] Oh, man!

‐[toilet flushes] ‐Okay! All set!

‐[door creaks] ‐Not set!

Hey, can I ask you something?

[Bertie] Sure!

My auntie gave me power of attorney,

what’s that?

My auntie gave me power of attorney,

Like she’s strangled unconscious by a demented doctor?

[Bertie] Right.

And she can no longer make decisions,

then it’s up to you to decide what to do!

It’s a big deal that she gave you that responsibility.

Yeah! Uh...

‐Cool! ‐[door opens]

‐Bertie! ‐[Bertie groans]

‐Oh, hey, Tuca. ‐[toilet flushes]

So, Bertie, you know my step tracker? Get this.

I got up and walked to the vending machine

three times today.

And it says I walked 12 miles!

What?

[Bertie] Wow! That’s great!

Now can you both step away from the door

and also maybe leave the building?

‐Well, I’m gonna hit the nest! ‐Oh, I’ll go in the bedroom

and turn on the noise machine. For myself.

[Bertie] Ugh! I am incredibly alert

for this experience!

‐[eyes pop open] ‐Nope.

[light music]

[light music continues]

What’s all this?

Duh, it’s Vintage Sexy Campy Movie.

It’s cool.

It’s like sexy but like silly.

We can watch it and process our sexual feelings

without pressure to actually have sex IRL.

‐Hmm... ‐[background chatter]

Hey, whoa, hey, excuse me? Whoa... Don’t... Uh... Mm...

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...

Shh, just come on...

It’s biking... for everybody...

[bell rings]

It’s biking... for everybody...

♪ Let’s see your freaky side Come out ♪

♪ You feel unchained Now don’t be feeble ♪

♪ I wanna be a sexual eagle! ♪

Honey, no!

Oh, I can’t believe I’ve never seen this before.

This is horny as shit! [crunches]

Stop the film! There’s a bird present

who’s never seen Vintage Sexy Campy Movie!

[audience gasps]

That’s me! Is there a prize?

We have a virgin in our midst

and what do we do with virgins?

[audience chanting] Sacrifice. Sacrifice. Sacrifice.

Lemme go! I’m not a virgin!

‐[grunting] ‐Hey!

So I haven’t seen it, but I have had sex.

[audience gasps]

So I haven’t seen it, but I have had sex.

Am I wrong?

[metal clangs]

Sorry, that was me.

I just dropped a pin.

Also, I’m a virgin!

I thought so.

So y’all curious about sex?

Listen to your Auntie Tuca,

I’m gonna teach you more than this movie ever could.

By the power of attorney!

[grandiose music]

[upbeat music]

Remember the Three T’s.

Trim, Tease, and only some Teeth.

And that’s [bleep]‐Eating 101.

[lively music]

Next week, I want a 1,500‐word essay on hand jobs

and their use in erotic power structures.

And don’t be trying to plagiarize!

I wrote all those entries on Dickipedia,

I’ll be able to tell!

[sighs]

[light music]

[moans, smooches]

[burps]

[moans]

[light music]

[yelps]

Phew!

[bell rings]

Speckle, watch out!

[mumbles] Thunkoo.

I should probably tell Bertie about this.

[tranquil music]

[crickets chirping]

[sighs]

Hey, lady! Tell me a story!

Once there was a little boy who went to sleep! The end!

‐I don’t wanna sleep. ‐Why not?

I don’t like doing stuff by myself.

It’s not fair.

My parents are nighttime friends with each other.

I wish I had a nighttime friend.

Good point. I have a daytime friend,

but it’s not the same.

Oh! Oh! We could be I hnighttime friends! nd,

Sounds creepy.

Nope!

[gentle music]

You going by the hospital?

You betcha, hop in.

So, I always wondered, do you guys actually clean?

Or is this just a way to ticket people

who forget to move their cars?

Nobody thinks this job is important,

but this city would be filthy without me.

Whoa, dude, whoa!

Filthy! Filthy! Filthy!

‐All filthy! ‐[engine revs]

[children cheer]

You can’t do that! A city needs its smut!

It needs flavor!

I’d like to clean you.

Those short shorts should be regular‐length shorts!

Oh, hell no!

‐[grunts] ‐[shrieks]

Ow!

The filth was inside me all along!

And it’s beautiful!

There she is!

A sight for tired eyes.

Hey, Auntie! What’s goin’ on?

My dinner burned my mouth and my feet are ice.

I can do something about your tootsies at least.

Look at you, taking care of me.

Feels like my birthday.

[laughs]

And you always bring me my juice!

I require a heavy pour tonight.

Well...

‐surprise! ‐[squeaks]

I didn’t bring a nightcap

but he’s wearing a nightcap. Get it?

You’re kidding, right?

I was thinking.

You gave me power of attorney

and that means I’m supposed to do what’s best for you.

You’re here to get better, right?

Well, you sweet thing.

You’re right.

Thank you for looking out.

Now, it’s been a day, baby.

Give Auntie some quiet so she can rest, hmm?

Sure, Auntie. Sleep well, okay? [smooches]

[Tallulah] Tuca, dear?

Almost forgot.

I’ve decided to give the power of attorney to Terry.

Oh.

Well, it’s for the best.

You don’t want this responsibility.

I’m doing you a favor.

Yeah, I mean, I already have a job.

Being the life of the party.

Hey, hey!

Atta girl.

Now, here’s an easy job.

Take these gowns to that consignment shop uptown.

Then bring me the cash.

Um... Sure thing, Tallulah.

Hey. Wanna go look at some babies?

[baby birds chirping]

‐Aww. ‐Cute, huh?

[crackles]

[screeching]

[baby birds chirping]

[spluttering]

[coughs]

Gross!

[chomps]

Gross!

Sometimes, I wish all of my patients

could be as sweet as these guys.

You mean Tallulah?

Ah, don’t let her get to you.

That’s just how she is.

She’s a roast master!

[slow upbeat music]

[fast upbeat music]

Okay, I took a power nap.

I have zero poop left in my body.

I can do this.

Speckle, we’re starting the show!

‐Oh! ‐Eep!

What happened to your legs?

The smartwatch was a bad idea.

I’m getting too ripped. You know?

So jacked.

Let me see something.

Squeeze that corn, Specko.

[rustling]

[crunches]

Mmm, bootcut‐flavored!

If he knows the truth, we’re dead.

We’re dead anyway! Look around!

I would, but I can’t move my head.

I think... I hate this show?

It’s not good.

I think... I hate this show?

‐Yeah! ‐I’ll get the jam!

[moans]

[gentle music]

[Tallulah] Remember Uncle Jerry, the doctor?

[laughs] Well, he said I had

a mean uter‐‐

Mean uterus. Yeah, you’ve told me before.

I brought the snacks you asked for.

These are the day chips.

I asked for my evening chips!

Where’s the other nurse that usually works this shift?

Kara? It’s her night off.

[soft music]

[bottles clink]

[soft music continues]

Hey! Watcha doing?

Getting nurse stuff?

Well, in addition to being a nurse,

I also happen to be a civilian

who has to buy regular person stuff.

But in this instance, yes,

I happen to be getting nurse stuff.

Do you like hardboiled eggs?

[chomps] Mmm.

‐Mm‐hm. ‐Mm.

[tranquil music]

Oh, he was my patient.

And her. That guy too.

Wow, okay. These were all my patients.

I know this makes me seem bad

at keeping people alive,

but if you look at it in context,

I mean, we’re in a cemetery.

Mm‐hmm.

And my patients are all really old.

I dunno, seems like you might be a bad nurse.

[Plant Teen 1] Yo, spooky spirits,

we’re chill,

[Plant Teen 1] Yo, spooky spirits,

[Plant Teen 2] Oh, ew, he’s like 35!

[Plant Teen 1] Ew!

[crickets chirping]

[laughs]

Hey! Will you sing me a lullaby?

You’re always asking me for stuff!

I’m busy!

♪ Little bluebird Don’t be so blue ♪

♪ Sleep now, bluebird Tomorrow’s brand new ♪

♪ You’re not alone, bluebird ♪

♪ Though lonely’s the trend ♪

♪ We’re here with you, bird ♪

♪ We’re your nighttime friends

Hey, stop singing at our kid! He’s only 15!

Fifteen?

[voice cracking] I’m a late bloomer.

[soft music]

[soft music continues]

[water rushing]

Ha, they look like they’re barfing!

Violently!

Blarf! Blarf!

So, do you live close by?

In that lighthouse over there.

I’m not the keeper, I rent.

The spotlight’s annoying

but since I’m at work most nights,

it doesn’t bother me.

Cool!

Hey, I was thinking...

you’re right about my auntie.

She’s always dicked me around.

You’d think I’d know better by now.

Yeah, but you love her anyways.

And that’s the nice thing about you.

[bell rings]

‐[Speckle] Mrow! Mreow! Mrow! ‐[row team] Row! Row! Row!

Tuca!

Tell... Bertie... this... shit.

[tranquil music]

‐Sleepy? ‐[yawns]

Actually, yeah.

Come here.

♪ Nighttime’s only A dark shade of blue ♪

♪ And pretty soon, birdy ♪

♪ Bright blues Will shine through ♪

♪ So sleep little bluebird ♪

♪ Sleep bitty bluebird ♪

♪ Until that cool hue ♪

[gentle music]

[burbles]

[gurgling]

[suspenseful music]