Original subtitles

♪ Bertie & Tuca And Tuca & Bertie ♪

♪ Tuca & Bertie ♪

‐♪ Tuca ♪ ‐♪ Bertie ♪

What a wonderful regenerative way

to end the weekend.

No obligations. No plans.

That’s why I chose to live a healthy, zero‐plan lifestyle.

‐What’s that cloud? ‐Oh.

Huh. It’s all looming and portend‐y.

Hi, Dirk. Could you not do that right now?

No dice, pumpkin spice.

Helps me focus.

Yeah, about that, I noticed a lot of typos

in the last report you filed.

Hey, it’s not my fault,

I don’t know how to use an Oxford comma.

I only know Princeton commas.

And a year off in Europe apostrophes.

Can you just fix it, please?

Ugh! Fine! After this free throw.

‐

Swish!

Bertie, you’re shimmering so brightly this morning!

Oh, sorry! Just finishing up!

Try one!

Oh, my god.

Babe, you’re gonna sell

like a million of these at work today.

Babe, you’re gonna sell

Yeah! Let’s cake it till we make it.

What "office supplies" do you need?

I’ll take two binders

and a ream of your special paper.

‐And a stapler. ‐Hmm.

‐Mmm. ‐Ew.

Uh, hey, Tuca, we’re running low on "binders" so‐‐

‐Tuca, what are you doing here? ‐Eep!

It’s, uh, Bring Your Toucan to Work Day?

‐It is? ‐

Harold, get down here immediately.

I don’t care about your job.

I need my toucan at work today and that’s you!

‐

Sorry, everyone. My friend needs me.

Oh, it’s okay.

Friends come first.

Whew! That was a close one!

Man, we barely break even on these,

but I don’t care. I love this shit!

Duh! It’s your passion!

Baking makes your blood run hot!

It does. It gets me so hot!

I wish I had a driving force like that.

A thing I’m so good at,

I wish I had a driving force like that.

But I’m equally exemplary at all things!

Damn my extreme competencery!

‐ ‐Mm‐mm.

Bertie, you’re on your own for the rest of the week.

I gotta root out my own passion, like a passion pig.

‐ ‐Okay!

Hmm. Garbage collector.

I could easily get carried away with any of these jobs.

Hey! The sign factory is hiring!

Imagine all the crazy signs I could make.

Stupid Street!

‐

Eh! Hey! Watch it!

Stop!

Okay, now you go.

You turn left.

Okay, now hold for pedestrians.

Come on through!

Yeah!

Hey! You know what it is!

It’s Brangley Brangalang

and this is called "Running with Bucket Feet".

Yeah!

‐

Oh, um, I reserved this conference room.

All right. Got it, Mom.

First, just one more video?

Please, Mom?

Please, Mommy?

You are my birth mother and I am your widdle baby.

Can we watch another video, pwetty pwease?

Ugh, fine. Jeezus!

Hey! Oh! Whoa!

‐Okay, that was so funny. ‐ Hey!

Haha, now let’s turn it off.

‐

‐ ‐I gotta give

a slide presentation for the ad clients

‐to understand our... The... ‐ Hello, and welcome back

to Tasty Bakes, hosted by me, Pastry Pete.

You may remember I was recently "canceled"

due to a pattern of alleged behavior

towards several non‐famous women.

I want to respond by saying, "I’m sorry."

But I don’t just want to say it

I want to bake it!

With my new recipe for "I’m Sorry" Strudels.

Step one. You must be accused

of doing something vaguely bad...

Uh, Bertie...

Didn’t you used to work for that guy?

After your dessert and the alleged victims

have cooled off,

you move on, a changed man.

Remember, it’s easy to cancel, it’s sophisticated to forgive!

So smash that subscribe button!

Dirk’s driving me nuts.

Men think they can just walk all over you,

waste your time, and make you feel small,

and they think they can do whatever they want

just because they taught you how to bake!

‐Bake? ‐

How about we try something?

This is super cool.

It’s a therapy technique called "Inner Bird Systems".

Let’s get under the hood and poke around!

Okay.

Close your eyes.

Clear your mind.

Now, visualize a version of yourself

who could easily handle your anxiety

and deal with men like Dirk.

Mm.

You can picture anyone andin the world, Bertie.irk.

Anyone or anything.

‐Sup. ‐Uh...

What do you see?

It’s... it’s just a bro...

The name’s Kyle. Don’t wear it out!

A bro? What’s this bro doing?

He’s just, uh, chillin’.

Chillin’ like a good guy, or...

No. Like a villain.

Interesting.

Every other time I’ve tried this,

people just picture themselves in a power suit.

Go. Now you.

Don’t be shy. I see you!

Go ahead and accelerate, boo!

‐

Oh, hey! You almost hit my sexy new sports car!

Nobody’s impressed by your car, dude!

There.

Now it’s not perfect

so you don’t have to worry anymore!

Oh, my god.

Heck, yeah! I’m free!

Thank you, traffic lady!

Glory be!

Our goddess of the road!

Yeah, we can totally hook you up with that, my man.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool...

Dirk, could you stop dribbling for a minute?

‐I just have a headache and‐‐ ‐Ugh.

Gonna have to call you back.

Don’t let the PC Police hear you say that.

All right.

‐Catch ya later. ‐

There. Happy?

I, uh, that’s not what I meant.

Hey, Kyle, do you have a minute?

Sure. Whatever’s clever.

I just need help articulating an argument

so that Dirk empathizes with‐‐

Nah, dude, just go like... "bro?"

‐That’s it? ‐Shyeah.

It’s a wicked versatile word.

Um... bro?

Bro?

Bro. Brah.

Bro.

Tsk. Bro!

‐ ‐Hey, man, I’m back.

Let’s do it to it.

Kyle, that was amazing!

It’s no big whoop.

I can’t believe that actually worked.

You’re like my secret power!

Yah. I’m good at a lot of things.

Like people tell me I’d be good at stand‐up

’cause I’m always filling silences

with like really funny jokes.

‐ ‐Hey, Bertie.

Oh, are, are you sure? I have them right‐‐

Okay, thanks, bye!

I don’t need them anymore.

Eek!

Argh!

You’re buying stuff at Pastry Pete’s?

How could you?

Oh, yeah. He did something bad, right?

It’s so hard to keep track!

He was a huge creep to me.

And to other women!

Well, he did say sorry.

I mean, what do you want?

Do you expect people like him to just disappear?

Yeah. Yes!

They should get sent to... like an island

for bad men!

Hmm... no.

That, that’s not quite right.

Fancy an afternoon "calculator"?

No?

Need any "binders"?

They’re blueberry... Okay, jeez!

If only I had a pastry that could compete

with Pastry Pete’s stupid, gimmicky atonement donuts.

Yah, you need a product that like,

cuts through the noise of the pastry industry.

Like what?

I dunno. Baking’s for girls!

No. No. Not quite right.

‐

I like how cans crush.

Hmm.

Whoa, that looks sick.

This is dope.

Gets me frickin’ pumped!

Ultra pumped!

Eep!

‐You’re big. ‐Shyeah.

Now, it’ll be easier for me to help you.

Oh. Dope!

‐ ‐Uh, what’s going on?

Kyle’s helping me scale up

by ditching my gourmet ingredients.

Ooh. Kyle.

‐Who is Kyle again? ‐Sup.

He’s a guy Bertie created in therapy.

How did you know, Tuca?

He’s just one of the many basic brodies

I follow on social media.

Hey, whatchu working on there, chief?

Not much.

Just helping this chick by putting rad art on her wall.

Aw, it’s like having a stepson

I don’t understand or relate to at all.

You need any help, buddy?

I’m gonna go get my level, okay, pal?

Whatever tops your pizza, my dude.

So... you look strong.

Yeah. My muscles are my main hobby.

Bertie, can I borrow him for a night of meaningless sex

to help relieve the stress of my important new job?

Hmm. Uh...

He’s a facet of myself

and projection of my own insecurity.

Why’d you project him to be so hot?

That’s on you.

‐Come on. Giddy‐up! ‐

Tuca! Don’t have sex with my inner bird!

Too late! Already did!

The people need me to exert power

over the congested chaos of their lives.

Does it make me feel good? I won’t lie.

Yes. Yes, it does.

But power carries weight.

Should I use that power responsibly?

Or should I have a little fun, Tuca‐style?

Wow. I don’t understand you,

but... I respect you.

I wanna support you while you follow your dreams.

I wanna build a life with you

and take care of all the housework and childcare

while you rise in power.

Is this love?

You! Hot dumbass! Leave!

Yes, ma’am.

Thank you, come again!

Oh!

I’m still not sure about this design.

‐It’s so... ‐

...confrontational.

Don’t worry, babe.

I am frickin’ pumped!

Cock‐a‐doodledoo!

Oh!

‐Yes. ‐

You want more? Here you go.

Thanks!

Have a good one, bro!

‐Bro! ‐Bro!

♪ And you can be a bro If you wanna be one! ♪

♪ I can be a bro? I don’t understand! ♪

♪ Girl, there’s all Kinds of bros ♪

♪ All across the bro land! ♪

♪ Bro, bro ♪

♪ All across the bro land! ♪

♪ Host talk shows can be bros ♪

♪ Men who shove, men who reign

♪ Men unloved, men ordained ♪

♪ A bro’s a shmoe Who can do anything! ♪

♪ Or you could be A simple sweetie ♪

♪ And still uphold The patriarchy! ♪

♪ We live life, free of strife

♪ If bros don’t like their wage They can just ask for raises! ♪

♪ Now she’s got it! ♪

But being a bro isn’t always easy.

It’s not?

♪ Despite my status Wealth and age ♪

♪ I’m still A bitter ball of rage! ♪

♪ Why are all my jokes So sexist? ♪

♪ Out in public, I’m a leftist

♪ My dad told me Boys don’t cry ♪

♪ So I keep my eye‐holes dry ♪

♪ Feel sad when drunk And don’t know why ♪

♪ But enough pity parties I’m sick of despair! ♪

♪ Why don’t we all look At that chick over there? ♪

♪ Look at her So sweet and happy! ♪

♪ She must be why You feel so crappy! ♪

♪ Oh, I don’t know My head is spinning! ♪

♪ If she’s not losing Then you aren’t winning! ♪

♪ Boys, line up! ♪

♪ You can kick down any doors!

♪ You gotta fight And win your wars! ♪

♪ Be a bro And get what’s yours! ♪

So, you work here long, beautiful?

How can I help you today?

I must make a simple choice.

To become someone who says noice.

I’ll wear the pants of the cargo.

I’ll be a bird who is a...

♪ She’ll be a bird who is a...

‐ ♪ Bro ♪ ‐

‐One moment. ‐

Hi, Pastry Pete.

Yeah, I know sales are down today,

but, but it’s not my... Okay.

Bye.

Aw, what’s wrong?

You look prettier when you smile.

‐

‐ ‐Only red cars!

Now only black cars.

No silver sedans shall pass today,

find a new route!

‐ ‐Hey, you!

That truck is a Sunday truck!

What’s a Sunday truck?

That truck is a Sunday truck!

It’s Thursday, you silly bitch!

Oh, no!

It’s Thursday, you silly bitch!

they’ll disown me!

Ah!

‐

You! Waddle faster!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

‐

Whoa!

You. You. Bumper cars.

‐ ‐Let’s see it!

‐ ‐Ew!

You’re mad with power!

I’ll be right back, I’m just gonna go get lunch.

What an amazing lunch break!

Now to resume my duties as...

Aah!

What the dick is this?

Ah, the stop signs the city ordered finally arrived.

Turns out there was an issue with the new guy they hired down

at the sign factory.

Dear Automobilist,

you are hereby mandated

to discontinue the generation

of forward motion vis‐a‐vis

your motorized carriage expeditiously!

This passionless

yet graceful stop sign

does a better civic duty than I ever could.

For now.

does a better civic duty than I ever could.

won’t go mad with power too.

I see you, Stop Sign!

Eep! Stop!

Trust me, you do not want to sell those!

Back off, bitch!

Whoa, these taste extra gloopy!

Ew. Loogie strudels!

‐

I’m a pyromania bro!

‐Hey, Bertie. ‐

I came to check out your new cart.

Oh, you’ve taken it in a really interesting direction

and you have my full support.

No, Tuca. This is bad! Really bad! I need help!

Hmm. If I use my traffic cop skills,

will I once again be consumed by my own lust for power?

Or can I channel it for the benefit of society?

Is that not the lie all dictators tell themselves

as they begin their dark journey towards‐‐ Ow!

‐Hard nope! ‐

Bro, gentle. Gentle.

Wow! How did you do that?

I’m fluent in bro!

I took a night class.

Now, shush, this is just gonna hurt for a moment.

‐

You gonna rebuild your cart?

I think integrity is more important to me than crushing.

You’re too sensitive to handle

that much lime green graphic design.

Bro taste is truly ass gross.

Just super, duper, ass gross.

Mm‐hm.

Holland. I’m coming clean.

I’ve been secretly selling pastries

around the office as a side business.

I understand if you need me to resign.

‐Well, that’s all right. ‐It is?

Everyone has a side hustle, Bertie.

I spend hours every workday

making cuckoo clock wristwatches.

Side gig! Side gig!

I just had an idea.

What if I baked all our employee birthday cakes?

You could pay me from the office party budget.

Bloody good idea, Bertie.

Next Monday is Dirk’s birthday!

Oh! Uh...

He asked for a cake in the shape of a football

with the words, "You are loved."

Dirk, you are loved. You are loved.

Your mommy and daddy are very proud of you, little Dirky.

You got it!

‐

What’s up, Kyle?

So bored.

What should I do now?

Hmm.

There you go, bro.

Aw, sick!

I don’t know what it is, doc.

I feel like I fail at everything I try

and I just wanna be good at something.

Oh!