Original subtitles

Okay, so, I know this is my first time

doing therapy in decades,

and, look, I’m nervous,

but, uh, there’s a strong aroma...

Eh, am I recalling a repressed memory?

That’s Resignation and Cautious Hope.

Essential oils.

I have a diffuser.

So, Roberta Songthrush...

‐It’s Bertie. ‐Bertie.

You’re 31, you work

at a magazine publisher

but run a baking business out of your apartment.

You feel guilty for not composting your kitchen scraps.

You want therapy because you suffer severe panic attacks

brought on by crippling anxiety and lingering trauma.

Standard stuff. Tell me about the people closest to you.

Well, Tuca’s my best friend.

We hang out constantly.

She knows all three of my secrets.

She’s my socialist elected president.

We’re just like this, you know?

Tuca. Got it. Anyone else?

Hmm. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my boyfriend of five years. Speckle.

We live together.

It’s clear that Tuca is a toxic element in your life

and you need to cut her out.

Plus, your names sound wrong together.

Tuca and Bertie. Tuca and Bertie.

Bertie and Tuca?

No, that doesn’t work either.

Tuca and...

♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie

♪ Bertie & Tuca And Tuca & Bertie ♪

♪ Tuca & Bertie ♪

‐ ♪ Tuca ♪ ‐ ♪ Bertie ♪

You want me to cut Tuca?

Out of your life, yes.

And ditch the boyfriend, too.

I suggest a full relationship detox.

That’s terrible advice!

What kind of therapist are you?

I specialize in severing attachments.

Didn’t your co‐worker Claudette tell you

when she gave you the referral?

Uh, Claudette didn’t

and, now that I’m thinking about it,

hasn’t otherwise spoken to me in three years.

Mm‐hmm. We felt your energy was negative to her growth.

I’m gonna take off.

Aah! That’s the spirit!

Cut me out of your life! Start fresh!

What a loon!

Right? I mean, who knew

finding a good therapist would be this hard?

What do you need a therapist for?

Just do what I do.

Spew all those bad feelings into a cup,

turn it over, and push it behind the toilet.

I feel great!

I need a professional, Tuca.

You know, if your car’s broken, you go to a mechanic.

Well, my brains are broken.

Speckle planned this nice

anniversary dinner tomorrow night

and it should be no big deal,

but even that’s giving me gut cramps and beak sweats!

I just need to see a good shrink

for like a session or two, then boom!

No more panic attacks! Easy!

Aw, I thought I was your panic mechanic!

I can’t always rely on you.

Plus, you’re busy going on all your dates!

Online dating sucks.

I can’t encapsulate my raw,

enigmatic allure in a profile.

I don’t need more love!

My heart is like a training bra.

You can only fit so much titty in there.

I already love you so much,

I don’t have space in my heart for anyone else.

You’re still wearing training bras?

I’m still learning!

I’m no Dr. Esther Emu

but sounds like you’re denying your emotional needs.

Dr. Esther Emu?

but sounds like you’re denying your emotional needs.

And when he calls you a little baby bird‐child,

how do you feel?

And when he calls you a little baby bird‐child,

Aw, shit, Bertie! We’re in an intersection!

‐

I’d see her, but she’s all booked up.

Now how am I supposed to know

which of these other shrinks are any good?

Same deal with these dating sites.

These people either look too outdoorsy,

or way too indoorsy.

I wish I could date a group of people all at once

and eliminate them one by one...

Like a reality show.

Yeah, I wish I could date a bunch of therapists

and then just choose one.

Oh, you can.

You’re free to see as many therapists as you’d like.

Be a cognitive behavioral slut!

Oh, don’t you want me to choose you?

I could be the best therapist in the world

and still not be right for you.

So what’s making you anxious lately?

Oh, you know, just the usual stuff.

Also, Speckle and I

are celebrating our anniversary tomorrow night.

That seems like something you could keep low key.

Too late.

Uh, Bertie.

I got us a spot at Two Twigs,

the hippest new restaurant in Bird Town.

I called every day for a month and it finally worked,

when I abbreviated reservation to res.

Then they knew I was cool.

Uh, that sounds intimidating.

Yup! I can’t wait!

Yup! I can’t wait!

to keep this night from being perfect!

Look, I know it’s silly, but... I can’t stop worrying

I’m gonna have a panic attack and ruin our anniversary.

So what normally happens when you panic?

Well, Speckle and Tuca help me.

Which is terrible.

I’m such a burden on them.

Like if I bomb this dinner,

Speckle will for sure dump me

and get a super chill girlfriend,

and she’ll be Tuca’s new best friend...

I know how to surf.

And I never shit.

Tuca and Speckle haven’t dumped you yet...

But they will.

I’m like a haunted house.

I look charming on the outside,

but the more I let other people in,

the more they’ll see what I’m really like.

And it’ll be too much because I’m freakin’ haunted.

Maybe they wanna go into a haunted house?

And they wanna help?

I’ve got like creepy girls

facing the corner with no face and shit!

You don’t have to fix yourself before letting them in.

Nope. Nope. I didn’t come here to not fix myself.

I could have done that in not‐therapy.

I’m here because I’m fixin’ to get fixed!

If you can’t help me,

I’ll just keep trying other therapists.

Totally cool.

We’ve got 20 minutes left on the clock

so I’m gonna watch pottery fail videos

if you wanna join me.

The pot was so beautiful and now it’s mud.

It’s just freaking mud!

‐ ‐Y’all here for a date with me?

I sure am!

Oh, I see... I see everyone is.

Wowzers, this is a development!

Well, toot toot, ya crazy romantics!

And get on the Sex Bus!

Uh, I was just waiting for my bus! To go home?

You’re not going home until you compete

for my casual interest, you little cutie.

I have a husband!

All aboard!

Welcome to Sex Bus!

All of you have an equal chance at winning.

Except you.

I’m sorry, I can already tell this isn’t gonna work out.

I’m getting bad vibes right away.

Is it the eyebrow ring? It’s fake.

Uh... and your voice.

Look, I hate to do this...

Well, screw you, Tucaloo!

Come on, I’m a great lady!

Ew, and your personality! Bleh!

It’s all bad.

‐You’re eliminated. ‐

But, silver lining,

I need a bus driver! You’re hired.

Maybe, in the end,

you’ll realize it was me you loved all along?

Woof. Definitely not.

There are so many therapists.

How do you choose one?

Ooh.

Argh!

Hey, Claudette. Cute outfit!

Your therapist referral sucked.

Argh!

Bertie, what are you doing?

Bertie! What have you done?

Ah, Bertie, I was just not thinking about you.

How can I help you

and/or get you out of my office quickly?

Hey, Holland!

and/or get you out of my office quickly?

Psychological emergency!

Ah, I’m in full support of employees

taking mental health days.

Cuts down on the number of incidents.

Well, let me know if you have a therapist you like.

’Cause, uh, I’m on the hunt.

Oh, no, I’m British and over 60.

I’ve never even considered going to a "funny doctor".

I’m very happy.

Okay. Well. See you tomorrow!

Come on, Holly, be a good soldier.

Your ex remarried. She’s happy!

Here’s the deal.

I just want a surefire way to fix panic attacks.

By 6:00 p. m. today.

And, go!

Transitional object work.

Take this crystal.

When you feel anxious,

hold the crystal in your hand.

Can I keep this?

I’ll add it to your bill.

To manually reset your socially neurotic brain,

repeat whatever it is

your conversation partner is saying.

Repeat whatever it is your partner is saying.

Okay. Stop repeating me.

Stop repeating me.

You are a very handsome therapist?

What?

When I feel anxious,

I like to list colors in the room to distract myself.

Blue... Blue... Blue...

‐Blue. ‐Blue. Mm‐hm.

‐

You need to be kinder to yourself.

Like, you’re not a haunted house!

You’re so pretty and cool!

Oh, that was just a metaphor.

And your friend Tuca sounds so fun.

I wish I could hang out with you guys.

Uh... I gotta go.

‐Thanks! ‐I’ll text you later!

Eek!

Previously on Sex Bus, a lively

portrait painting session showed us that beauty

is in the eye of the brush holder.

Oh, jeez! Sorry!

Ooh, that’s hot.

It’s a pleasure to observe you.

This is technically proficient,

but where’s the soul? The passion?

Sorry, you’re eliminated!

I don’t understand what happened!

How did I get in this limo?

[Deep‐Voiced Man] Round Two got immediately derailed

when someone discovered a bomb on the bus.

Okay, cut the tan wire.

Don’t touch the beige wire!

I don’t see any wires!

Argh!

I don’t know if I can do this!

You can and you must! Just hold her steady!

Straight ahead!

‐

Oh! Whoo‐ho!

Fortunately, in the end,

the bomb just turned out to be lip balm.

From our sponsor, Natural Selections.

Finally, a lip balm for animals without lips.

Okay, none of this makes any sense.

You’re eliminated! Get out of here, logic police!

I don’t date cops! Anymore.

And here we are at Round Three,

in which Tuca decides

if a contestant is a good voiceover announcer.

So...

Sorry, it’s a pass.

I’m not attracted to a soothing male baritone.

I wanna be agitated!

"Heartbreak", coming soon to a man that is me!

I don’t think Sheena is here for the right reasons.

But I am and that’s to get to my street.

Oh, here it is!

For the next round, um...

do you gals like, uh... broccoli?

Yeah! I love it!

Wrong answer.

There’s only room

for one broccoli lover in my life

and that’s my best friend Bertie.

♪ Oh, I’m a big monster ♪

♪ Eating tiny trees, tiny trees Tiny trees! ♪

So, do I...

Oh, no!

I could fix it in a jiffy. I’m, I’m a mechanic.

You’re a sexy say that again?

A mechanic.

It’s like a therapist for your car?

There’s no one in my life who knows how to fix a tire,

even me.

You win Sex Bus!

Nifty.

Is it all over?

Was I a fool to hold out hope?

Yep.

Text me!

Well, howdy there!

Can I actually use any of this?

Crystals... colors...

Turtle!

Ouch! Crud!

Draca? I mean cool. You’re cool.

Hey, where’s my notebook?

Thanks.

Sweet notebook.

What’s in there?

Sweet notebook.

Are you negging me?

You know what, I can’t read your tone

and I don’t have time to figure it out!

We just like milk.

Milk is cool.

If you must know, it’s a list of ways

to prevent an anxiety attack.

Just like, see a mental health professional.

That’s what I’m trying to do!

"Don’t wait. Go grab what you want.

Even if it seems pushy and rude."

Okay, I will!

Thanks, teens!

Wait, I have to see Dr. Esther Emu!

I’m invoking a "psychological emergency"!

‐Ah, frick. ‐

"Psychological emergency".

Ah, frick.

You look like you have a hot date, I’m so sorry.

I dress for myself.

Well, I have a hot date,

I need to be there in 15 minutes,

and you have to help me or... or else, I’ll...

steal all your magazines!

Take the magazines. We don’t even buy them.

They just appear.

Whoa.

Oh, go ahead, little bird.

‐Tell me your problem. ‐

I need to know the best way to prevent panic attacks.

I’m desperate.

When you start to feel out of control,

close your eyes

When you start to feel out of control,

when the panic attack is over and you’ve survived it.

That’s brilliant!

It works because no one

has ever died from a panic attack.

Yeah, oh, that’s right.

Except everyone who panics while driving.

They all crash and die.

Oh, thank you!

Thank you so much!

I lied.

I dress like this for you.

We’re late for salsa class.

Oh, to heck with salsa.

Now, this is my comfort zone.

Unlike dating! Gee whiz.

But you seem so comfy and cool!

Oh, heck, no, glad I fooled ya!

I’m a wreck!

Oh, heck, no, glad I fooled ya!

I liked it.

Made things low pressure.

Which is bad for tires but great for this gal!

Hold the tire here like that.

At least with all those people on the bus,

I could avoid those first date awkward silences.

Those are the worst.

Maybe they aren’t that bad.

Nifty.

Hi, hi, hi! Sorry! I made it!

Good news! They have vegetable skewers!

Aka food swords!

Aka expectations met!

I’m so happy to be here with you.

This is so special! You’re such a pretty bird!

Sorry, I’m late to take your order...

‐ ‐I was surfing.

That’s why my feathers are so perfectly wavy.

And don’t ask me where the bathroom is here

because I don’t know.

Because I don’t shit.

Two prix fixe dinners, please.

Great choice.

Imagine the world five minutes in the future.

What’s happening?

Uh, Speckle, I’m feeling a little nervous.

Oh, no.

Do you want me to use the "worry vacuum"?

Do you want me to use the "worry vacuum"?

Just pretend everything is normal.

Tell me about your day.

Well...

Uh, we’ve been busting our tails

getting this proposal done

for the new bathrooms at Bird Town Park...

‐...and... ‐Mother of...

Uh, are you okay?

Yes! Keep talking!

Okay, well, Len wanted this Brutalist design...

‐Brutalist? ‐...which meant the toilets

would be shaped like a skeletal box.

Skeletal?

You know, typical Len!

‐The order paperwork for it... ‐Paperwork?

...was just murder.

Murder? What the hell?

Yeah, Len sucks.

Oh, yay, food!

Beet salad with red peppers and cherry chunks and stuff.

Oooh!

Red... blood red... red blood...

‐ ‐Oh, my god, Bertie?

Just ignore me!

Sweetie? Talk to me.

Go away!

Uh, delicious.

Sorry.

I gotta go!

My friend Bertie is in trouble!

Oh, gee! Is she hurt?

Her boyfriend just texted, she’s having a panic attack!

Oh, your poor buddy. Has this happened before?

Oh, yeah. This is a pattern. It repeats weekly.

Uh, then why do you need to go?

Her fella’s there, right? She sounds needy.

Nuh‐uh, I’m the clingy, codependent one.

Bertie’s the sweetest...

Like, okay, if the radio’s on

and there’s some horrible, stupid pop song playing,

Bertie would rather listen to that

than put on something good from her own playlist.

♪ I’m always gonna love you...

Hundreds of other people in Bird Town

are listening to this same song right now,

and I dunno,

it just makes me feel less alone.

We’re all connected!

Isn’t that the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard?

She’s a freakin’ sweetheart.

A frookin’ sweetie pie, okay?

Okay, okay, I didn’t say she wasn’t sweet.

Are you in love with her or something?

It’s way deeper than that.

She’s my best friend!

You wait here.

Do not follow me in.

Bertie hates meeting new people!

I’m gonna go home.

Why? We were having a good time!

I don’t think you want another person

in your life right now.

I’ve watched you make silly billy excuses

for every contestant you kicked off Sex Bus today.

Seems like you’re using your friend

as another reason to stay alone.

You’re very preachy for a mechanic.

All mechanics are preachy.

Sheesh, people don’t take care of their cars!

Then I guess you’re eliminated!

Whatever you wanna call it.

Bertie. Why don’t you let me in and we can talk?

No, I’m a burden!

You don’t want a rotten old house

full of banshees and babadooks!

Maybe Speckle and Tuca like helping you.

Huh? Dr. Joanne?

They love you because of who you are,

you don’t have to fix yourself before letting them in.

Bertie!

Oh, colonial shutters.

You’re such a cool house, Bertie!

Speckle is an architect.

He loves getting inside crappy old houses

to fix them up.

He loves getting inside crappy old houses

Maybe they don’t mind that I’m haunted.

♪ I’m always gonna love you...

Wait, I love this song.

‐Tuca! ‐See, you’re okay!

You’re not alone.

I’m your panic mechanic!

I always know what you need.

And I texted Tuca.

The important thing is we all helped equally!

Aw...

Uh, just following your lead, babe,

but if we leave now, I don’t have to pay for parking.

Let’s bounce!

Ugh!

Uh, what’s happening?

What is this sensation?

Uh, it feels like I’m surfing a killer wave

inside my own body?

Is this... Am I...

...shitting?

Boom! Anniversary ambiance!

Okay, four pickles?

Pfft, this is way better than that stuffy restaurant.

I’m sorry about tonight, Speckle.

You know, I tried so hard to avoid having a panic attack,

it’s like I guaranteed it to happen!

I just don’t want you to feel like

you have to suffer alone, okay?

I love sitting under tables with you.

I’m down to build a table fort at literally any moment.

I think I’m gonna keep seeing this therapist, Dr. Joanne,

and work on this stuff with her.

You found a therapist you like? That’s great!

What about you, Tuca? Did you like your date?

I didn’t find the person or anything,

but it was still... nifty.

I’m going upstairs.

Let you guys have some alone time.

Thanks, Tuca. We love you.

Mm‐hm.

You looked handsome tonight.

I know, right?

Bleh!

♪ You’re caught off guard ♪

♪ And maybe you’ve fallen off ♪

♪ Please don’t let them ♪

♪ Make you think Any less of it ♪

♪ You’re caught off guard ♪

♪ And maybe you’ve fallen off ♪

♪ Please don’t let them ♪

♪ Make you change Your end place ♪

Blue, Blue.

Blue, Blue, Blue.