Original subtitles

♪

♪ One, two, three, blastoff! ♪

[♪ upbeat theme music playing]

[glass shatters]

[♪ theme concludes]

[announcer] The following futuristic science-fiction program

contains scenes of 17th-century pirates.

Also, vampires.

Viewer discretion is advised.

[♪ epic music playing]

It truly is a grand piano, Madam Glab.

Yes, it is the DOOP's gift to the Vampire Empire.

And all I ask is for your world to join our alliance.

Perhaps. But how am I to transport it to my... planet?

Zapp Brannigan at your service, Your Highnyness.

My crew is ready to die to get it safely to your home world.

No crew, Brannigan!

Well, who's gonna die?

This is a top-secret diplomatic mission.

So, to handle the delivery,

I've hired two civilian know-nothings we'll never see again.

- Hello! - Hello!

Are you quite sure that the piano is... fully operational?

I thought you'd never ask.

[♪ dramatically playing "Rachmaninoff Prelude in C# minor"]

[fallboard slams shut]

- No Rachmaninoff! - What?!

Careful ma'am. Rachmaninoff's a hot-button issue for Bender.

This piano is extremely fragile,

and it's strung to a tension of 2,000 megasproings.

One wrong chord and it could explode!

Wrong chord?!

You insult me, Madam President.

[grumbling] Wrong chord... Stupid president...

Never get to explode anything.

To an alliance that will last a lifetime.

Or longer.

[glasses clinking]

[♪ soft, mysterious music playing]

Admirella, why is Glab sucking up to the Vampire Empire?

They're a bloodthirsty dictatorship.

- [slurping blood] - [Admirella] Indeed.

And this is supposedly the Democratic Order of Planets.

Oh, so that's what "DOOP" stands for.

Glab's final term as president is about to end.

Is this really how she wants to be remembered?

As the leader who secured a valuable ally for the DOOP?

- Yes. - [door squeaking]

Trust me, there are considerations at the highest level.

Then why haven't I heard about it?

You're one level below that.

Two, if you keep asking questions.

Careful!

If that thing explodes,

Kif will be mopping you off the walls for hours.

And you never really get it all out.

[♪ epic music playing]

Man, this piano must be worth its weight in these gems it's made of.

I can't believe no one but me is trying to steal it.

- [alarm blaring] - Incoming ship!

Ah, there we go.

Sir, it's a vessel in hot pursuit!

My favorite pursuit temperature.

Perhaps it's a sexy she-alien.

[cologne spritzing]

- [gunfire booming] - They've opened fire!

Could it be friendly fire?

Perhaps intimately friendly.

[gunfire booming louder]

I guess not.

Return friendly fire!

You control the missiles on this ship.

- I know that. - [button clicking]

I just said it out loud so they can quote it at my eventual medal citation.

- [gunfire booming] - [Fry yelping]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

[medical alert voice] Fry has fallen and he can't get--

Oh, never mind, he's up.

Fry! Are you alright?

No! Zapp's ship is under attack

and I need you to come pick me up!

Zapp's ship?

That's Kif's ship!

Hurry! I'll be waiting out front with my lunchbox.

- [explosion booms] - [Fry screaming]

- [static buzzing] - [stick figure clatters]

We've gotta save Kif!

And Fry!

And Bender too, I guess.

If there's time.

- [chair scraping] - To the ship!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[hangar door opening]

[Planet Express whirring]

[ship rockets zooming]

[licking finger]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Huh. They're not here either.

Well, we've searched the entire infinity of space twice.

Let's go home and start pricing coffinless funerals.

Wait! There's something up ahead!

[♪ mysterious music playing]

[wood creaking]

That's not something.

It's just a creepy, old wreck.

Th-Th-Th-Then what's Fry's lunchbox doing here?

[♪ dramatic sting]

What? He's not eating it.

[♪ mysterious music playing]

Careful. There might be splinters of unthinkable size in there.

So, we'll enter in order of expendability.

First, Zoidberg, then everyone else.

- Hooray! - [pincers snapping]

I'm redshirting with friends!

- [door thuds] - [airlock hissing]

[all gasping and exclaiming]

[sniffing]

This turtle soup is still warm.

Whoever was on this ship was just about to eat dinner

when something horrible happened.

And on an empty stomach!

I won't let us meet that fate.

- [gobbling] - [soup sloshing]

[doors creaking]

The scorecard stops right in the middle of the fifth frame.

Somethin' horrible must have happened.

Just as they were about to pick up the spare!

[♪ disco music playing loudly]

The officers' disco!

They must have been just about to do the Hustle

when somethin' horrible happened.

Something even more horrible than the Hustle?

- Adventure buddies! - [♪ music stops, record scratches]

I found something strange behind the DJ station.

It might be a clue.

[Zapp whimpering]

Zapp? What are you doing here?

And where's Kif?

And Fry?

And Bender, if there's time?

They-- they took my ship.

Marooned me here like a space-age Gilligan.

Who? Who marooned you?

- Space pirates! - Space pirates?

You know, pirates, but in space.

♪

[laser gunfire]

[Fry yelping]

They've hoisted the black flag!

That means they'll treat us honorably if we surrender.

I didn't crawl under this desk to surrender.

Hoist the flag that means "no."

- We only have one flag. - Hoist it.

[sighing] Ugh.

[flag rope rattling]

[laser firing]

- [♪ dramatic sting] - [crew gasping]

Why are humans so scared of their own skulls?

[♪ ominous music playing]

Long John Longjohns,

duly-elected Governor of the Pirate Republic,

at yer service,

ye hen-hearted numskulls.

Surrender yer treasure!

Brannigan never surrenders!

The, uh, Battle of Cowards' Cove?

Brannigan rarely surrenders.

Besides, we have no [mimicking accent] "traysure."

What's that the robot's stealin'?

[wheels rattling]

Uh, what, this fabulous, gem-encrusted piano?

It's worthless.

Deliver the piano, ye pants-pooping bilge puppies,

or face our wrath!

Ready yer wrath.

- [♪ dramatic music playing] - [laser-cutlasses zapping]

Just give it to them, sir.

It's not worth losing our lives over a piano.

You clearly overestimate the value of your life.

No piano!

[button buzzing]

It's no use, we're out of ammo.

Then we'll ram them!

No point in having a ram if we're not gonna use it.

[naval ram whirring]

[rockets zooming]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

What d'ye think he's gonna do with that ram?

- [wall crashing] - [pirates screaming]

[wood creaking]

[Longjohns grunting] Damage report, Ultraviolet-Beard?

We're goin' down!

Or up, maybe.

- [static buzzes] - Finally,

I can deduct that ram as a business expense.

- [♪ dramatic music playing] - They're still alive.

Huh. They must have mastered the fine art of jump-to-the-side.

Raise shields!

Sir, their ship is taking on vacuum.

Space law requires us to save them.

Space laws were made to be space-broken.

Raise the shields, Kroker!

That's a space order.

Ugh.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[airlock hissing]

- [♪ dramatic music playing] - [footsteps stomping]

Yer ship is ours!

What the H-E-double-hell is going on, Kif?

Didn't you raise the shields?

I thought I did.

I-- I've never been good with buttons.

Step away from yon digital control interface,

ye rat-infested pool boys!

Wow. You're really good at cursing.

'Tis why I became a pirate,

ye sponge-munchin' vacuum bag.

- [blades slicing] - [Bender yelps]

You will tell your children of the day

you were taken prisoner by the infamous Don Electro.

The Terror of the Spanish Mains?

You honor me.

I will return the compliment if you ever achieve anything.

[wings fluttering, parrot squawking]

Ow! Bird feet!

My name's Buddy. 'Cause I'm your new buddy.

You're really annoying.

Wait till I start repeating everything you say.

Everything I say? Everything I say?!

You're really annoying.

Well, we hereby surrender.

Brannigan knows when he's been beat,

because it happens a lot.

♪

Thus, the pirates abscooted with the piano and your compatriots,

and left me here with nothing

but a lifetime supply of food and entertainment.

I don't understand.

How did they get past your shields?

Treason!

By that slimy, double-dealing salamander, Kif Kroker.

Thank you, Mrs. Kroker.

You had a little turtle soup on you.

But you're wrong about Kif!

He would never betray the DOOP!

You may need to soak that.

♪

It's hopeless.

We have no idea where the pirates took Fry, Kif,

and Bender, if there's time.

Hold your hopeless horses!

The crystals on that piano are pure gemjewelium!

They'll have left a faint trail of radiation.

- [button clicks] - [trail shimmering]

We can follow it if we act quickly before it dissip--

- Whoa! - [Professor thuds]

Stop the ship, Leela.

- [brakes screeching] - Whoa!

[Professor thuds]

You can follow that trail to your friends later.

But first, we're gonna follow it to my ship.

Our friends are on your ship.

I said later! Full speed ahead!

Whoa!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[grunts]

Someone buckle me in my car seat.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[rockets zooming]

[trail shimmering]

We must be getting close to the pirate home world.

Space is thick with arm hooks and parrot guano.

- [hooks clinking] - [guano splattering]

[♪ ominous music playing]

[ship rumbling]

[whispering] Okay, everybody ready?

We'll go lights out and take them by surprise.

[Jolly Roger] Surprise!

- [♪ dramatic sting] - [crew shrieking]

State yer names and businesses!

Okay, um...

I am Turanga Leela,

uh... pirate queen of the bad ship,

Planet Express Ship.

A name that strikes indifference in our hearts.

And my merciless crew, uh, Merciless Amy Wong.

Arrr!

That's a pirate thing, right?

It be a bit old-fashioned, but aye.

Legally-Blind Farnsworth, Redshell,

the Butcher of Jamaica...

Hey.

And, uh...

- Zapp Sparrow. - Ugh.

We come to join your buccaneer band.

We don't admit just any ship that sails into our hidden harbor.

We'll decide according to the pirate code,

which calls for a free and democratic vote.

All in favor?

Aye.

All opposed?

[pirates] Nay!

Petition denied.

You're to be hung from the yardarm at dawn.

- [crew gasping] - [Zapp whimpering]

Is there no alternative?

Sure. Where do you want to be hung from?

Don't ask us to move on dawn, though.

The morrow's pretty busy.

Things'd be different if you'd had brought us some loot.

- Loot? - Aye. Or booty.

We also accept swag, plunder, and treasure.

We maintain a diversified portfolio

as a hedge against market downturns.

I've got a Starbucks gift card.

What balance be it loaded with?

$500,000.

[chains clatter]

[♪ pirate party music playing]

A hearty freebooter welcome to our newest citizens:

Captain Leela and her somewhat motley crew!

[pirates cheering]

With this bounteous gift card,

and our share of the piano jewels,

'twill be our finest fiscal quarter yet!

[pirates cheering, gulping flagons]

You pirates are surprisingly bureaucratic.

Aye. We're a rowdy social democracy,

with no law but our written constitution

and various regulatory mechanisms.

Our halls run red with tape.

- [flagons clink] - [both gulping]

[sighs]

[continues gulping]

You're a fine-lookin' man, Farnsworth.

'Course, I have but the one good eye,

so ye might be hideous.

[giggling] Oh, fuff.

I only wish I could see how hideous you are, Bonny Bonnie.

Here, try me eyepatch.

- That can't possibly help. - [eyepatch snapping]

Good Lord, I can see perfectly!

So can I!

Apparently, I ne'er really hadna vision problem!

[♪ romantic music playing]

[both moaning]

[Leela] Mm. Mm!

This is a pretty good party.

I guess we can look for Fry later.

Leela? Is that someone imitating you?

Fry! He's part of our crew.

- Release him! - It's not locked.

I know, but I felt like you didn't want me to leave.

[metal gate rattling]

Hi, Leela. How's the boot rash?

Better. I've been using a new antibiotic.

What's with the bird?

I'm Buddy, Fry's new best friend.

He told me all about you.

All about you! All about you!

Is Kif in there?

Aw, no.

Nothing but vermin.

Yeah, nice to see you, too!

I don't understand.

- Where's Kif? - Where's Kif?

Where's Kif?

Captain Longjohns took him away when we got here. [squawks]

I knew it!

Kroker and the pirate are in cahoots.

What a pair of cahooters.

Kif's no traitor!

He's so honest, he withholds payroll taxes

from our kids' allowance.

- [laser-cutlass tapping] - We've a long night

of carousin' ahead of us.

So, please stand while ye still can for the national anthem.

- [pirates] Aye! - The Pirate Anthem!

Ooh, I thought you'd never ask.

[♪ upbeat sea shanty playing]

[singing] ♪ Now raise yer hands in proud salute ♪

[all singing] ♪ The Republic of Pirates 'tis our home ♪

♪ Then keep them there while we take yer loot ♪

♪ We're a law-abiding democracy ♪

♪ But we got no law against piracy ♪

♪ 'Tis considered protected speech, ye see ♪

♪ But you're welcome to try and sue ♪

♪ There's rights for all but less for you ♪

♪ We count each vote in our hideaway home ♪

♪ As elected leader I can run ye through ♪

♪ Each pirate's equal under law ♪

♪ Each parrot's the equal of each macaw ♪

♪ You severed my neck vein with your claw! ♪

♪ You should get that looked at soon ♪

- [glass cracking] - ♪ We lurch about in a drunken rage ♪

♪ In our morally ambiguous island home ♪

♪ Where 12 is the legal drinkin' age ♪

♪ Our government's good, our economy's planned ♪

♪ But we're hated and feared and our souls are damned ♪

♪ But we each make at least 200 grand! ♪

♪ So to hell with your living wage ♪

[Bender banging piano keys]

[lid crashes, dissonant chord strikes]

[insects chirring]

- [♪ suspenseful music playing] - [all snoring]

[Amy snorts]

[whispering] Wake up! This is our chance to find Kif.

[snorts] What?

Hey, what happened to the piano?

And the bench?! [grunts]

[softly] Come on. We'll search the fortress from top to bottom.

It's only got one story.

It's a ranch-style fortress. Look.

[peg leg rattling, snaps]

[Amy] "X" marks the spot.

What spot?

I don't know, that spot. Where the "X" is.

Come on!

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

It's just a bathroom, but it's really nice.

The toilets are shaped like treasure chests,

and they're filled with gold doubloons.

[Bender] Hm?

Eh. Eh...

[♪ tense, mysterious music playing]

[coin jingling]

Leela, you don't think Kif would actually turn traitor, do you?

I don't know. They say every man has his price.

Price?! You mean I could get paid for my treachery?

♪

- [♪ dramatic sting] - [all gasp]

I held up my end of the bargain, Captain.

Time to divvy up the loot.

You'll get yer cut, ye crafty devil.

- One for thee, one for me. - [gem clinks]

Count by twos. It'll be faster.

[♪ ominous music playing]

[gems clinking]

Here's yer half the plunder.

I'll need the pillowcase back afore bedtime.

- [door banging] - Hold it right there!

Leela! Amy!

Fry?

Bender? Professor? Zoidberg?

Hermes? Captain?

[crying] Oh, Kif...

you are a traitor!

How could you?

I'm ashamed to call you my best friend!

I can explain.

- [♪ dramatic music playing] - I'll do the explaining.

- [♪ music stops] - Hang on.

[grunting]

- Okay. - [♪ dramatic sting]

Admirella? You're behind all this?

If by "all this" you mean saving democracy, then yes, I am.

- Is that what you mean? - I don't know what I mean.

I'm just so blown away by that chair.

There was no other way to defend the DOOP

from President Glab.

[♪ dramatic sting]

[overlapping confused chatter]

Uh-whuh?

She intends to engineer a third term

and make herself president for life.

Impossible!

DOOP law limits her to two terms.

The Assembly would never vote to change that.

In case you hadn't noticed,

she's been packing the Assembly

with stooge dictators on the sly.

Admitting the Vampire Empire would give her the tie-breaking vote.

Pfft, this is preposterous!

I can prove it.

Then it's not.

[video zapping on]

I give you the "piano," and you join the DOOP

and give me your vote.

Do we have a deal?

Cross my heart and hope to live.

[video zapping off]

So, I brought the pirates

and Lieutenant Kroker into my confidence.

He's the little green one there.

We've met.

Together, we staged a raid to steal the piano

and foil Glab's plan.

We'd keep half the gems as our fee.

'Twas earmarked for the pension and health fund.

[Kif] My role was to ensure the pirates gained access to the piano.

So, I opened the airlock instead of raising the shields.

So, it was sabotage!

And by the way, I'm not Zapp Sparrow.

I'm Zapp Brannigan!

I don't care even slightly.

The plan worked perfectly.

Kif and I saved the DOOP from Glab's corrupt scheme.

Oh, Kiffy.

I don't know how I could have doubted you.

I'm sure it took a lot of hard work, dear.

[♪ soft music playing]

It's just surprisin' that the Vampires' vote

could be bought with a sub-Liberace-grade piano.

That's where you're wrong.

Well, that and some other places.

- [lens whirring] - You see,

this piano is on the verge of implosion.

The strings are tighter than Grandma's girdle!

[plucking string]

- Ah! - [Buddy squawking]

There be terror on the high C!

[gems clattering]

Magnets.

Furthermore, gemjewelium crystals are highly radioactive.

So, if the piano were to implode,

it would compress them to hypercritical mass!

Uh-huh. Then what?

A nuclear explosion of unthinkable power!

Well, thinkable.

Uh, but damn big.

My God. Glab was bribing the vampires

with a weapon of mass destruction?

It's worse than I thought!

And I already thought it wasn't great.

[♪ tense, ominous music playing]

[gavel banging]

Carnivulon, on the motion to suspend the term-limit law

and elect me to a lifetime reign, how do you vote?

[speaking angry gibberish]

[universal translator] That would be lovely, yes.

- [counter dings] - Then it's tied.

Vampire Empire, you have the deciding vote.

I am not sure, Madam President.

It is so hard to make up one's mind with... no piano.

- [doors banging] - [Fry, Bender] Hello!

- [wheels rattling] - Ah!

There, for some reason, is your piano.

Now, vote yes!

Not so fast, Madam President.

Under DOOP law-- remember that?--

the Vampires are not voting members until their anthem has been played.

Ugh. Fine.

Play the damn song.

I thought you'd never ask!

- [♪ playing dramatic chords] - Please rise

for the Vampire national anthem.

[♪ upbeat boogie rock music playing]

Oh no! Your national anthem is Whole Lot of Shakin' Going On?

What? Even vampires like a good sock hop.

[singing] ♪ Come on over, baby ♪

♪ Whole lotta shakin' goin' on ♪

- Play gently! - That's as gently as you can play it.

♪ Come on over, baby, baby, you can't go wrong ♪

This is your doing. Make him stop!

♪ I ain't fakin' ♪

Not till you resign the presidency!

Never!

Now, let's get real low one time.

- ♪ Shake ♪ - What do you want, money?

Drugs? Piano lessons?

- All you gotta do is stand in one spot... - Oh!

Resign the DOOP presidency...

And nominate Admirella as your successor.

♪ A-hum-ah, hum-ah, hum-ah, come on over, baby ♪

- ♪ Whole lotta shakin' goin' on ♪ - [glass cracking]

- I won't! - Then, let's go now.

- ♪ Shake, baby, shake ♪ - [shrieks] I nominate Admirella!

- ♪ Shake, baby, shake ♪ - As temporary president!

♪ Shake, don't you let it break ♪

Temporary?

Yeah, temporary.

♪ Well, come on! ♪

- Stop! Stop! For God's sake, stop! - ♪ Whole lotta shakin' goin'... ♪

- Alright, permanent! - [♪ music stops abruptly]

[Glab sighing]

Since we did not finish the anthem,

the Vampire Empire's membership is rejected.

Get out!

[vampires hissing]

[wings flapping]

And let's grant admission to the Pirate Planet!

[all cheering]

[♪ upbeat pirate anthem playing]

[singing] ♪ Now raise yer hands in proud salute ♪

[all pirates singing] ♪ The Republic of Pirates 'tis our home ♪

♪ Then keep them there while-- ♪

[explosion booms]

[wind whooshing]

I don't understand.

The piano imploded,

but the gemjewelium didn't go critical.

We stole the real jewels.

I mean, we're pirates, for Pete's sake.

That be cubic zirconium.

Ah.

It's only slightly explosive.

[explosion booming]

[items clattering]

[♪ upbeat theme music playing]