Original subtitles

[circus music plays]

[dramatic music plays]

[bell chimes]

[humming Beethoven's "Ode To Joy"]

[fly buzzes]

[flies buzzing]

[dramatic music plays]

Unh.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, the driving force

behind Catholicism Wow!-- Cardinal Glick.

[murmuring]

Thank you, thank you. Now, we all know

how the majority and the media in this country

view the Catholic church.

They think of us as a passé, archaic institution.

People find the Bible obtuse, even hokey.

Now, in an effort to disprove all that,

the church has appointed this year

as a time of renewal,

both of faith and of style.

-For example, the crucifix. [organ music plays]

While it has been a time-honored symbol of our faith,

Holy Mother Church has decided to retire

this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing, image

of our Lord crucified.

Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies.

He came to help us out. He was a booster,

and it's with that take on our Lord in mind

that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil.

So, it is with great pleasure that | present you

with the first of many revamps

the Catholicism Wow! campaign

will unveil over the next year.

| give you The Buddy Christ.

[organ music crescendos]

[murmuring]

CHOIR: J Hallelujah S

~A-Amen J

That's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol.

Just something we've been kicking around the office.

But look at it.

Doesn't it pop?

Buddy Christ.

Well, there you have it. Cardinal Glick...

Let me get this straight. You don't believe in God

because of Alice in Wonderland?

No, Through the Looking Glass.

That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter,"

that's an indictment of organized religion.

The walrus, with his girth and his good nature,

he obviously represents either Buddha

or-or with his tusks,

the Hindu elephant god-- Lord Ganesha.

That takes care of your eastern religions.

Now, the carpenter,

which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ,

who was raised a carpenter's son,

he represents the western religions.

Now, in the poem, what do they do?

What do they do? They-They dupe all these oysters

into following them

and then proceed to shuck and devour

the helpless creatures en masse.

| don't know what that says to you, but to me,

it says that following these faiths

based on mythological figures

ensures the destruction of one's inner-being.

Organized religion destroys who we are

by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions

out of-out of fear of some-- some intangible parent figure

who-who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago

and says-and says, "Do it...

Do it and I'll fuckin’ spank you."

-Oh, jeez. -The way you put it,

I've never thought about it like that before.

What have | been doing with my life?

-What am Il... -Yeah, | know.

Listen, my advice to you-- you take this money

that you've been collecting for your parish--

go get yourself a nice dress, you know, fix yourself up.

Find some man, find some woman

that you can connect with, even for a moment

‘cause that's really all that life is, Sister--

it's a series of moments.

Why don't you seize yours?

That a girl. That a girl.

You know, here's what | don't get about you.

You know for a fact that there is a god.

You've been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally.

Yet | just heard you claim to be atheist.

| like to fuck with the clergy, man.

| just love it. | love to keep those guys on their toes.

Man, now here's what | don't get about you.

Why do you feel the need

to come to this place all the time?

My friend, because this is humanity at its best.

Look at them. All that anger,

all that mistrust, all that unhappiness

forgotten for that one perfect moment

when they get off the plane.

See those two? What that guy doesn't know

is that the girl cheated on him while she was away.

-She did? -Twice.

-Nice. -It doesn't matter right now

‘cause they're both so relieved to be with one another.

| like that. | wish they could all feel that way more often.

Is this why | had to come down here this morning?

This why | had to miss my fucking cartoons?

You call me, you tell me it's important, you know.

What, to share in your half-ass obsession

-with Hallmark moments? -We're going home.

Somebody sent us this in the mail.

Take it, man, and quit leering at me.

People are gonna think | just broke up with you.

You did say we're going home, didn't you?

Read.

"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On Catholicism Wow! Campaign."

And?

You have to keep reading.

"The re-dedication of St. Michael's Church..."

.AS the kickoff of a new campaign

which seeks to bring Catholicism into the mainstream.

With a papal sanction, the archway entrance

of the century-old Jersey shore house of worship

will serve as a passageway of plenary indulgence,

a little-known Catholic belief which offers

all that passes through its arches

a morally clean slate.

For Sunday News Brief, I'm Grant Hicks.

Wait. So all | gotta do, | walk through the arch thing,

-and then | can go back home? -No.

By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven.

Then all we have to do is die.

Die? | don't wanna die.

You rather hang around here for a few more years?

No. We don't even know if we can die.

All right, but what if we can

and then the arch thing doesn't work?

-What then? Hell? Fuck that. -It's impossible.

-Fuck that. -lf we cut off our wings

and transubstantiate to complete human form,

we become mortal. If we die with clean souls,

there's no way they can keep us out.

We won't be angels anymore,

but at least we get to go home.

-Who sent the paper? -Who cares who sent the paper?

All that matters is that after all these years,

we found a loophole. He can't keep us out anymore.

Once we get back in, I'm sure he'll just forgive and forget.

But this thing is-- this is-this is church law.

It's not divine mandate.

Church laws are fallible ‘cause they're created by man.

One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter,

the first pope, by the Son of God before he left

was...

"Whatever you hold true on Earth..."

"I'll hold true in heaven."

It's dogmatic law.

lf the church says it's so, God must adhere.

This thing has a papal sanction.

Let it never be said

that your anal-retentive attention to detail

never yielded positive results.

You can't be anal retentive

if you don't have an anus.

Outstanding work.

There's one thing | think we gotta do before we leave.

This is gonna help us get back on his good side.

What?

Here. I've been dreaming about this for five years.

Read that.

"Mooby, the Golden Calf.

Creating an Empire Out of Simplicity."

| wanna hit 'em.

You really are just a simple creature.

We finally find a way back, and you want to jeopardize that

‘cause you've got a soft spot for the good ol' days.

Hey, what better way to repent

than by resuming the position

| once denied, thanks to you.

| really don't think a killing spree

is gonna make things better for us.

Killing spree? I'm talking about divine justice here.

I'm talking about raining down fire and brimstone,

punishing the wicked. He's all about that.

-| know he'd want this done. -There hasn't been

an Angel of Death since you quit.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Besides, what if you're wrong like you always are?

If I'm wrong, which I'm not, it's not gonna matter.

We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway.

We're gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul.

Well, he does hate competition.

| will say that. And your Mooby

certainly falls under that heading.

All right, where is this church we have to go to?

New Jersey.

Re-dedication ceremony's in four days.

Last four days on Earth? Mm.

If | had a dick, I'd go get laid.

We can do the next best thing.

-What's that? -Let's kill people.

Oh, not you.

[dramatic music plays]

The greater Illinois Chapter of the Right to Life Foundation

will be holding its biannual softball game

against the Cook County Pro-Choice League

next Sunday at 2:00.

Today's second collection

will be donated to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.

For those of you who haven't been following the news,

an unidentified homeless man,

who was accosted and severely beaten

at the New Jersey shore last Tuesday,

lies in critical, but stable condition,

in one of that area's hospitals.

He lacks identification,

and police have had no luck

tracking down any possible family.

The archbishop of the Trenton diocese

has disputed the state's decision

to remove the indigent man from life-support systems,

asking that Catholics all over the country

join in this protest against euthanasia.

Well, now please rise for the recession of faith.

We believe in one God, the Father Almighty.

Maker of heaven and earth.

We believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord...

[overlapping chatter]

Hey, choose life.

You're gonna burn in hell, ya fuckin’ baby killer.

Tell her, Steve Dave.

Holy shit. It's the pope.

-Huh? -Where?

Hey, what are you talking about?

[overlapping chatter]

J On a Monday, a Monday, a Monday J

J Is very, very good J

[telephone rings]

Jesus. You're Catholic.

-Can't you talk to them? [radio playing]

They hate me more, no doubt. Least you have an excuse.

You're Jewish. You don't know any better.

| don't think they're gonna go for that one.

We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.

So where were you yesterday? A bunch of us went to brunch.

| went to church.

That still kills me, you and church.

If only they knew your weekly tithing

came from a Planned Parenthood check.

| don't know why | still go, Liz.

| could remember going to church when | was young

and being moved.

Now | sit there every Sunday, and | feel nothing.

| don't think | have any faith left.

Remember that seminary student who used to mow my lawns?

The one | tried to set you up with?

Mm. The 20-year-old.

The one | could have babysat for in high school.

Right. Well, the point is, he told me something.

He said that faith is like a glass of water.

When you're young, the glass is little,

so it's easy to fill.

As you get older, the glass gets bigger.

The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore.

But periodically, the glass has to be refilled.

You're suggesting | need to get filled?

In more ways than one.

You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane.

You need a man, if only for ten minutes.

It's been my experience that the average male

is never a man, not even for ten minutes

in his entire lifespan.

That sounds a little bit militant.

Are you thinking of joining the other side?

Couldn't do it. Women are insane.

Then you need to go back to church

and ask God for a third option.

| think God is dead.

The sign of a true Catholic.

[hums]

[doorbell rings]

[demons shriek]

Good afternoon, Missus... Reynolds.

I'm from the EPA.

We're checking on possible Freon leaks.

Tell me, do you have air conditioning?

Yes, we have central air.

In every room?

Except the bathroom. Why?

Oh, well, you do know what that means, don't you?

[thud; gasps]

Uh-oh.

Move.

No pleasure, no rapture,

no exquisite sin greater than central air.

Pick that up.

This will be the base of operations

from here on in.

Now, if | remember the protocol correctly,

the powers

will attempt to contact the last scion.

| need you three

to shuffle her loose the mortal coil.

Go.

[dramatic music plays]

-Ah. [body falls]

Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty

and voice of the one true God.

Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty

and voice of the one true God.

Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty

and voice of the one true G--

[coughs]

Sweet Jesus. Do you have to use the whole can?

Who the fuck are you and what the fuck

-are you doing in my room? -I'm the one that's soaked,

and she's the one that's surly. That's rich.

St-- Fucking Christ.

Get the fuck out of here... now!

Or you'll do what exactly?

Hit me with that fish?

[thud]

Now just sit down on the bed and shut up.

Jesus wept.

Look at my suit.

Look, take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.

Oh, give over, will you?

| couldn't rape you if | wanted to.

Angels are ill-equipped.

See?

I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.

Now make yourself useful. Give me that towel, will you?

Honestly, you bottom-feeders and your arrogance.

You think everybody's trying to get in your knickers.

What are you?

I'm pissed off is what | am. Do you go around

drenching everybody that comes into your room

with flame-retardant chemicals?

No wonder you're single.

Stand back.

[dramatic music plays]

As | was sayin’

prior to your firefighting episode...

|! am the Metatron.

Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell.

You people. If there isn't a movie about it,

it's not worth knowing, is it?

lam a seraphim.

The highest choir of angels.

You do know what an angel is, don't you?

Metatron acts as the voice of God.

Any documented occasion when some yahoo

claims that God has spoken to them,

they're speaking to me.

Or they're talking to themselves.

Why doesn't God speak for himself?

Glad you decided to join the conversation.

To answer that, human beings

have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity

to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice.

Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in,

and your heart would explode within your chest.

We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.

Well, how do | know you're an angel?

You mean aside from the fiery entrance

and the expansive wingspan?

You want more proof?

Fine.

How about tequila?

[Latin music plays]

Where the hell are we?

Only place you can go for a good tequila.

Dos tequilas, por favor, and an empty glass.

-Si. -Gracias, sefor.

We're in Mexico?

We're in the franchised Mexican family eatery

down the street from your apartment,

but it's impressive nonetheless.

You don't mind that | lost the wings, do you?

I'm trying to keep our profile low.

What do you want with me?

I'm to charge you with a holy crusade.

For the record, | work in an abortion clinic.

Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished.

And no one's asking you to build an ark.

All you gotta do is go to New Jersey

and visit a small church on a very important day.

Oh, gracias.

New Jersey.

That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.

Aside from the fine print, that's it.

What's the fine print?

Stop a couple of angels from entering

and thus negating all existence.

Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.

Stop a couple of angels from entering

and thus negating all existence.

| hate it when people need it spelled out for them.

You might want to clarify that.

Back in the old days,

God was vengeful and hot-tempered.

And his wrath was bore

by the Angel of Death name of Loki.

When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed, that was Loki.

When the waters wiped out everything

with the exception of Noah and his menagerie,

that was Loki, and he was good at what he did.

But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any longer.

-Why? -He listened to his friend,

a Grigoriot by the name of Bartleby.

-Grigoriot? -One of the choirs of angels.

They're called watchers.

Guess what they do.

So one day, Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt...

Ah, the tenth plague.

Tell a person that you're the Metatron,

and they stare at you blankly.

Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie,

and suddenly, everybody's a theology scholar.

May | continue uninterrupted?

Once he's done with the firstborn,

Loki takes his friend Bartleby out

for a post-slaughter drink.

And over many rounds,

they get into this discussion about whether or not

murder in the name of God is okay.

And in the end,

Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position

and take one which doesn't involve slaughter.

So...

..very inebriated,

Loki tells God he quits,

throws down his fiery sword,

and gives him the finger.

Which ruins it for the rest of us

because from that day forward,

God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol.

Hence all the spitting.

So, for their insolence,

God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby

would ever be allowed back into paradise.

Were they sent to hell?

Worse. Wisconsin.

For the entire span of human history.

And when the world ends, they'll have to sit

outside the gates for all eternity.

And this has what to do with me?

Someone has clued them in

to a loophole in Catholic dogma

that would allow them to re-enter heaven.

So what? They beat the system. Good for them.

It's not that simple. If they get in,

they will have reversed God's decree.

Listen closely 'cause this bit's very important.

Existence,

in all its form and splendor,

function solely on one principle--

God is infallible.

To prove him wrong

would undo reality and everything that is.

Up would become down, black would become white.

Existence would become nothingness.

In essence...

. if they're allowed to enter that church...

[ominous music plays]

... they'll unmake the world.

If this is so major, why are you talking to me?

Why doesn't God do something about it?

He could. But he'd rather see you

take care of this one personally.

Why me?

Because of who you are.

And who am I?

The girl in the pjs.

Don't ask so many questions. Just serve your purpose.

I'm gonna have to pass.

[swallows]

| beg your pardon?

When some quiet little infection

destroyed my uterus, where was God?

When my husband decided he couldn't be with a wife

who couldn't bear his children, where was God?

[background chatter]

To hell with Him.

Don't allow eons of history and life

to get blinked out of being

just 'cause you've got a grudge against your creator.

So you lost the ability to make life.

You're being offered the chance to play mother to the world

by acting like one and protecting it, saving it.

But | can't make you.

However, if you should decide to stop being selfish

and accept your responsibility...

... you won't be alone.

You'll have support.

What? More angels?

Prophets.

In a manner of speaking.

Two of ‘em.

The one who speaks...

..and he will, at great length,

whether you want him to or not,

will make mention of himself as a prophet.

The other one, well, he's the quiet type.

Look, | gotta go. Just try and remember

we're working in a timeframe here.

[clicks tongue]

Hey.

What's he like?

God?

Lonely... but funny.

He's got a great sense of humor.

Take sex, for example. There's nothing funnier

than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.

-Sex is a joke in heaven? -The way | understand it,

it's mostly a joke down here, too.

I'll see ya.

[rooster crows] -Oh.

MAN: The New Zoo Revue.

[indistinct chatter]

Please, Chas, keep him tied up.

[turns off radio]

[rattles]

[beeping]

[flies buzz]

[sinister music plays]

Aah.

[flies buzz]

[tapping sticks]

Aah. Aah.

Snootch to the motherfucking nootch!

[heroic music plays]

Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck fucks!

Snoogans.

Did you see that shit, man? | Know they were just kids,

but we kicked their fucking pube-less asses.

| don't know what to say or think, except...

That you'll offer us sex as a reward?

Um, that I'd like to know who they and you are.

I'm Jay, and this my hetero life mate--Silent Bob.

| don't know who those kids were,

but they would have kicked yours and Munchbox's asses

if | hadn't represented.

Well, thanks for being out here so late.

Wait a minute. Are you protestors?

You mean those dickheads with the signs

and pictures of dead babies?

Shit, no. Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice.

Woman's body is her own fucking business.

But what are you doing hanging around?

We're here to pick up chicks.

-Excuse me? -We figure abortion clinics

are a good place to meet loose women.

Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?

Right.

Well, | should be going. Thanks for the rescue, | think.

W-W-Wait a second. We just saved your ass,

and you're just gonna take off. What the shit is that?

| had a really weird night last night,

and tonight's not shaping up to be any better.

| think | should go home, take some Percocet and lay down.

[keys rattle] -Now, how about that shit?

Fuck this town, man. I'm goin’ back to Jersey

and startin’ up the business again.

| can kick the shit out of little kids in Red Bank

and make myself a profit.

[ding] -Prophets. Two of ‘em.

You know what I'm sayin’, Silent Bob? Fuck ‘em...

You gotta be kidding me.

We call this piece "The Fecalator."

One look at it, and the target shits him or herself.

Try it on.

It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword,

but it's not nearly as impressive.

It doesn't have that

wrath of the Almighty edge to it.

How are we supposed to strike fear

into the hearts of the wicked

with this thing?

Look at this.

Well, then, you know, don't use a gun.

Lay the place to waste-like.

Easy for you to say. You get off light in a razing.

You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah.

-| had to do all the work. [cocks hammer]

What work did you do? You lit a few fires.

| rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.

-Oh, okay, I'm sure. -Hey, you know, fuck you, man.

Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire.

Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial.

Mass genocide's the most exhausting activity

one can engage in next to soccer.

I'll take this one.

[Perry Como's "Magic Moments" plays]

[crunches]

J Magic moments...

-Ahem. -So, what's up?

You have a friend for Silent Bob,

or are you gonna do us both? If so, I'm first.

| hate sloppy seconds.

You're a man of principle.

Jersey's pretty far from McHenry.

May | ask what brought you here?

Some fuck named John Hughes.

Sixteen Candles John Hughes?

You know that guy, too? That fuckin’ guy.

He made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad.

There's tits in it, but no bush. But Ebert over here

don't give a shit about that kind of thing

‘cause he's, like, all in love with this John Hughes guy.

Goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies.

Fuckin’ Breakfast Club,

where all theses stupid kids actually show up for detention.

Fuckin' Weird Science,

where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down,

but, oh, no, she don''t, because it's a PG movie.

And then Pretty in Pink,

which | can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore

‘cause every time it gets to the part

where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy,

he starts sobbin' like a little bitch

with a skinned knee and shit.

And there's nothing worse

than watchin’ a fuckin’ fat man weep.

What exactly brought you to Illinois?

See, all these movies take place in this small town

called Shermer in Illi-noise,

where all the honeys are top-shelf,

but all the dudes are whiny pussies.

Except for Judd Nelson. He was fuckin" harsh.

But best of all, there is no one dealin’, man.

Then it hits me. We could live like fat rats

if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illi-noise.

So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus.

But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there?

There is no Shermer in Illi-noise.

Movies are fuckin’ bullshit.

When are you going back to New Jersey?

Jeez, this broad asks a lot of questions.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Yeah. So you do anal?

Is it true that chicks fart if you blast them in the ass?

| didn't ask you out for sex.

I'll take head.

This is gonna sound really bad.

| can't believe I'm even thinking about this,

but...

| think | should go with you.

What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend?

All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us,

and you pay the rent.

No. | wanna go with you to New Jersey.

Really?

You're going to lead me somewhere.

Me lead you? Lady, look at me.

| don't even know where the hell | am half the time.

If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck

-did you ask us out for? -Someone told me I'd meet you,

and you'd take me someplace | was supposed to go.

What the hell are you babbling about?

All | now is we saved your ass from some angry fuckin’ dwarves,

and now you're telling us we're supposed

to take you somewhere as if we know where the hell it is?

Do you believe in God?

Holy fuck. All the fine, immoral bitches

out in front of that place, and we get the one Jesus freak?

-Get the fuck out of here. -No, wait.

-I'll scream rape. -| can pay you.

Pay?

A hundred bucks for being my guide.

You were going to Jersey anyway. All I'm asking is to tag along.

| feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie,

and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.

What about sex?

No sex.

All right, let's say we're caught in a situation

where we have, like, five minutes left to live.

| don't know. A bomb or something's gonna go off.

Would you fuck us then?

In that highly unlikely situation?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah? She's a slut.

Bong.

All right.

But | get to drive.

[overrevving engine]

What gear are you in?

Gear?

What do | know about shiftin'?

Like | ever drove before.

[horn honks]

Okay, Indiana, Ohio,

Pennsylvania, New Jersey.

You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter thing.

How can you be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days?

Times change. | remember when eating meat on a Friday

was supposed to be a hell-worthy trespass.

The major sins never change.

And besides, | can spot a commandment breaker

from, like, a mile away.

Oh, bet on it.

This from the guy who still owes me ten bucks

over that bet about which was gonna be the bigger movie--

-E.T.or Krush Groove. -You know, fuck you, man,

‘cause time's gonna tell on that one.

What, are you insinuating

that | don't have what it takes anymore?

Insinuating, no.

Flat-out telling you.

Right there. Right there. There's one.

So? They're kissing.

Adultery.

-Adultery? -Adultery.

You are just a simple creature.

Am | right or what?

| happen to know the truth.

I'm not gonna tell you. | want to see

how boned up on the job you are.

-What's your proof? -He's wearing a wedding band.

And it never occurred to you that maybe she's his wife?

No married man kisses his wife like that.

Okay. Well, it's a good thing

you were never the deciding member on a jury

is all I'm saying.

"No married man kisses his wife like that."

Are you stoned?

Excuse me.

Are you married?

Why?

I'm just curious.

What do you think?

-What? -To her?

-What? -Are you married to her?

Not that it's any of your fucking business,

but, no. Why?

["Alabamy Bound" by Ray Charles plays]

J And then I'll holler so the world can know Jf

J Here | go J

I I'm Alabamy bound J

[frog croaks]

[Singsongingly] Whose house?

Run's house.

| said whose house?

Run's house.

Whose house? Say what?

Run's house.

Say what? Martin.

Martin. How y'all been?

Martin.

She's fuckin' pissed, dude.

She's never gonna fuck us now.

Well, maybe you, but definitely not me.

Let me know how she is.

Nobody is fucking me! You got that?

| don't know what | was thinking in that diner,

but being that I've decided to go home

and not to New Jersey,

sorry for the inconvenience and good-bye.

You're breaking up with us?

Who the hell do you think you are, lady?

You can't just go around

breaking people's hearts like that.

| fell in love with you.

We fell in love with you. Guys like us

just don't fall out of the fuckin’ sky, you know.

-Aah. [thud]

Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women

just don't fall out of the sky, you know.

No heartbeat.

Think someone threw him out of a plane

with a message written on him

like in Con Air?

-Did you ever see that flick? -Oh, did that suck.

-Con Air? Con Shit. -Kill it. Kill it.

-Sounds familiar. -Jesus, are you okay?

Yeah. It's Rufus. And, yeah, I'm fine.

He's the fucking undead. Cut his head off.

Hey, what | just did gave me a fucking migraine.

So if you don't pipe down,

I'm gonna yank your sac off

like a paper towel.

Speaking of which, you're awfully nude.

-Rufus, is it? -Yes, Rufus it is.

It's usually Long Rufus, but it's a little cold out here.

You understand. Hey, Big Papa,

how about lending a brother your coat

till | find my own threads?

Dude, he fell out of thin air.

His piece is gonna be rubbing inside of your armor.

-Dude. -Yeah, thanks a lot, baby.

I'll do my best to tuck it back.

You know, it's been a while since physics,

but | would think the impact

with which you hit the asphalt

would have liquefied you.

You know, death is a worry of the living.

The dead, like myself, only worry about decay

and necrophiliacs.

Told you he was the undead.

Not the undead. The dead.

| died. You know,

Christ told me the secret to the resurrection once.

We were at this wedding in Canaan, right?

| got drunk and forgot it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Christ?

You knew Christ?

Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks.

Let me guess. You're another angel.

Oh, | ain't no angel. I'm no angel.

I'm a man just like you and him.

Well, maybe not him. At least | was a man.

Been dead nearly 2,000 years. Here, check this out.

No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rockin’ the ganj.

It's not a joint.

| can't read this.

It's Aramaic. It says, "Rufus, see you in two years. Jesus."

Freaked me out because he basically told me

when my number was up.

Took all the flavor out of the remaining years.

Look, we gotta get moving.

Let's say we continue this discussion

over a two-piece and a biscuit. Come on.

I'm starvin’'.

Back off, Kato.

Wait a second.

Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky,

and guys trying like hell to fuck me,

| think I've been a pretty good sport

about all this so far.

But I'm not going anywhere until | find out

where the hell you came from.

Me? | came from heaven. Now let's start walkin’.

Walk? Fuck you. Do you know how far we are from anywheres?

Hey, man, back in the old days with J.C.,

we used to walk everywhere.

Did you ever hear of a fat apostle? Mm-mmm.

What the hell's an apostle?

[fly buzzes]

[flies buzzing]

Let me get this straight.

She's already met the prophets,

and the apostle's with them.

| think that our best course of action

is to ensure that our parcel is not found.

And being that | can't even trust you enough

to kill a woman, tsk tsk tsk tsk,

well, I'm left with no choice

but to seek outside assistance in guarding said package.

I'm gonna have to summon the Golgothan.

Yeah, | appreciate the loan, brother. You can have that back.

Man, | remember when all we used to have for breakfast

was fish and goat's milk. What do you call this shit?

Egga Mooby Muffin.

Now, how about you start explaining some things,

like, for starters, how did you know where to find us?

Do you know what the dead do with most of their time?

Watch the living.

Especially in the shower.

| can't wait to die.

And why are you watching me?

‘Cause you're the one who's gonna help me

get some changes made in that book

you put so much stock in.

Hustler?

The Bible.

What's your beef with the Bible?

For starters, I'm not in it.

Neither are any of us,

but you don't hear us bitchin’ and moanin".

But I'm supposed to be in it.

| was the 13th apostle.

[Bethany chuckles]

I've been going to church my whole life,

and I've never heard of a 13th apostle named Rufus.

Yeah, but you heard of the other 12 apostles.

Yeah, all white boys, | might add.

But no mention of me--Rufus.

And why is that? ‘Cause I'm a Black man.

But you know what? That's just my pet peeve.

I'm mainly here to correct a major error

that you people have been basing the faith on.

-What's that? -Jesus wasn't white.

Jesus was Black.

-| don't buy it. -If that's true,

why did he get written about and you were left out?

Well, he is the son of God.

Kind of hard to have a New Testament without him.

So you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity.

Leaving me out's okay because you still got

12 white boys to choose from.

Are you gonna listen to this shit?

You know, that's what the good people of Antioch

was saying right before they stoned my ass.

You were martyred?

That's one way of puttin’ it.

Another way is to say | was bludgeoned to shit

by big fucking rocks.

| mean, white folks only wanna hear the good shit--

life eternal, a place in God's heaven.

As soon as you hear that you're gettin’ this good shit

from a Black Jesus, ya freak.

And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy.

A Black man can steal your stereo,

but he can't be your savior.

You gonna eat that hash brown?

So, you went to heaven?

You're damn right | went to heaven.

Shit, that's the least he could do.

You know, in the three years

| followed his ass around Jerusalem,

did | ever get laid? Hell no.

And | was in my prime. | mean, | could have been

knee-deep in shepherds' daughters,

not to mention fine ass Mary Magdalene.

She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.

Maybe this is just me talking, but if | were in heaven,

| wouldn't care what the Bible said

as long as they got the message right.

The message is what counts.

But folks who build their faith on that message

should be colorblind.

And all my rabble-rousing

is not doing that much above.

So I'm gonna need some help down here.

That's why I'm gonna help you

stop those angels from gettin’ to that church

in exchange for you helping me with my campaign.

How do you know about that, the angels?

There isn't much | don't know about you.

| find that hard to believe.

Check this out-- when you were five,

you let a kid from next door piss in your hand.

Ew, you did that shit? You're nasty.

| never told anybody about that.

Neither did he.

Two years later, that kid died of leukemia.

-His name was Brian Johnson. -Brian Johnson.

See, your exploits, no matter how inane,

are well-documented in heaven.

Probably hell, too.

[Mooby theme music playing]

Hey, where you going?

Yo, man, tell me somethin’ about me.

You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Fuck, everyone knows that.

Tell me something nobody knows.

When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

Dude, not all the time.

Sorry if | scared you.

Two thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home.

Yesterday, | wasn't sure God even existed.

Now I'm up to my ass in Christian mythology.

Let me let you in on a little inside info.

God hates it

when it's referred to as "mythology."

Oh, well, then let's ask the "prophets"

what we should call it instead.

Where did those two assholes go?

["Candy Girl" by New Edition plays]

What are you doing?

Proving this bastard | ain't gay.

-What? -Long story. Forget it.

We gotta get movin’. How can we get to Jersey?

We'll take the train. I'll call for reservations.

[ding]

[ding]

[ding]

[ding]

[ding]

[ding ding]

[ding]

| thought she looked familiar.

Who?

Serendipity.

[ding]

[horn blares]

Morning, shoppers.

ALL: Morning.

Has anyone seen the overnights?

-No, sir. -No.

-No. -We creamed 'em.

All right.

Last night was a rerun, which says to me that I--

Do | smell onions?

Excuse me.

-Huh? -May | ask

what you're doing in my boardroom?

You may proceed, mon ami.

I'm gonna have to start by apologizing.

My friend has a bit of a penchant

for the dramatic.

Oh, come on.

[murmuring]

Ahem.

Mooby, the Golden Calf.

Created by Nancy Goldruff,

a former kindergarten teacher in 1989.

Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991.

Broadcast nationally as the Mooby Fun-Time Hour.

Since its inception

has spawned two theatrical films,

16 records,

eight prime-time specials,

and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes.

Not to mention bicoastal theme parks

dubbed "Mooby World."

Did, uh, did | miss anything or--

You forgot Mooby magazine.

-Damn it. -Now, is there a point to this?

You and your board

are idolaters.

Can't believe you forgot the magazine.

That's you.

Do you know much about voodoo?

It's a fascinating practice.

No real doctrine of faith to speak of.

More an arrangement of superstitions,

the most well-known of which is the voodoo doll.

You see--ah-choo--

a mock-up of an individual

is subjected to various pokes and prods.

The desired result

is that the individual will feel those effects.

-Call security... -Yes, Sir.

All lines are currently down.

-Okay, I'm gonna have-- -Would you just Knock it off?

You're doing it again. Now stop.

-Fuck. -What did we talk about?

[clears throat]

You are responsible

for raising an icon

which draws worship from the Lord.

You have broken the first commandment.

More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you

passes for a decent human being.

Your continued existence

is a mockery of morality.

Like you, Mr. Burton.

Last year, you cheated on your wife of 17 years

eight times.

You even had sex with her best friend

while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.

Ha ha ha. In the bed

that you and your wife share, no less.

Mr. Newman.

You got your girlfriend drunk

at last year's Christmas party

and then paid a kid from the mailroom

to have sex with her while she was passed out

just so you could break up with her guilt-free

when she sobbingly confessed in the morning.

She killed herself three months later.

Mr. Brace disowned his gay son.

Very compassionate, Mr. Brace.

Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home

and used the profits from the sale of her home...

...to buy an Oriental rug for himself.

Heavens.

Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account

to have sex with an 11-year-old boy.

Mr. Holtzman

okayed the production of Mooby dolls

from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe

because it was, survey Says...

.. less costly.

You, on the other hand...

[Mooby theme playing]

...are an innocent.

You lead a good life.

Good for you.

But you, Mr. Whitland,

you have more skeletons in your closet

than this assembled party.

| cannot even mention them aloud.

You're his father. You sick fuck.

-Good. -Not bad, right?

That's great work. Very good.

Well...

...alone at last.

You know, with the exception of Miss Pryce here,

there isn't a decent human being amongst you.

Not one.

Do you know what makes a human being decent?

Fear.

And therein lies the problem.

None of you has anything left to fear anymore.

You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power,

hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment,

lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another.

But not from God.

Upp.

Forgot my little voodoo doll.

Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it?

Look, I-- if | believed enough in this,

| wonder.

| wonder.

[sinister music plays]

Aah.

Come on. | don't believe in voodoo.

Voodoo.

But | do believe in this.

[screaming and gunshots]

Don't run! Don't run!

Fakes! Fakes! All of you, fakes!

Oh, and you.

[indistinct chatter]

"| do believe in this."

What does that mean?

And one to grow on.

[gunshots]

[Mooby theme continues]

Gum?

Go on. It's okay. I--

You've done nothing wrong.

These guys were... fakes.

You're a pure soul.

But you didn't say "God bless you" when | sneezed.

[shrieks] -Loki!

You're getting off light.

-Loki! -| know. I'm comin’.

You're so lucky.

| forgot you were down here. How long now?

Three years this August.

Let me guess-- the 14th apostle,

left out of the Bible because she's a woman?

Oh, this girl's no woman.

Oh. Those weren't tits | saw Jay cozying up to?

What, these?

You should know better than anyone at this table

that tits don't make a woman.

Hell, the tubby coat-wearing motherfucker's got tits.

What traditionally defines a woman

falls between two things-- her legs.

But as you can see,

| lack definition.

JAY: Hey, they're gettin’ a free show.

Let me see that shit.

Oh, my God, another angel like Metatron.

How do you know Metatron? How does she know Metatron?

This is the last scion.

You're kidding.

Wow.

I'm confused.

Bethany, Serendipity here

isn't technically an angel.

Nor is she, by any means,

a human being like | was and you are.

| used to be an abstract.

Now I'm really confused.

I'm a muse, stupid.

| can't take much more of this.

So you what, inspire people?

What just went down with your friends over there,

it doesn't really take a muse to inspire horny retards

to empty their wallets.

| used to specialize in entertainment.

For example, I'm responsible

for 19 of the 20 top-grossing films of all time.

Nineteen?

Yeah. The one about the kid by himself in his house,

burglars trying to come in and he fights them off--

aah--| had nothing to do with that one.

Somebody sold their soul to Satan

to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.

[gurgling]

[ominous music plays]

What are you doing stripping?

Well, you remember why | left, right?

Because you were tired of doing all the work

and getting none of the credit for your ideas.

So | opted to quit being a muse and write for myself.

| gave my two weeks' notice, got a body, 50 bucks,

and got sent out into the world to make my fortune.

So what happened?

Writer's block.

Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake.

| can inspire anyone | meet

and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second,

but | can't keep any for myself.

Her quirky sense of humor.

-Whose? -God's.

You're saying God's a woman?

Was there ever a doubt in your mind?

He's always referred to as “him.”

That's not how | wrote it.

But one of the drawbacks to being intangible

is that you have no say in the editorial process.

The people that held the pens added their own perspective,

and all the penholders were men.

So she became a he.

Doesn't stop with God, either.

The whole book's gender-biased.

A woman's responsible for original sin.

A woman cuts Samson's coif of power.

A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist.

Read that book again sometime.

Women are painted as bigger antagonists

than the Egyptians and Romans combined.

It stinks.

[ominous music plays]

Why is the last scion here?

Bartleby and Loki? They found a way back.

Not the plenary indulgence loophole.

You know about that?

| always knew that thing was a bad idea.

Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

You have issues with Catholicism, | take it?

| have issues with anyone who treats God

like a burden instead of a blessing

like some Catholics.

You people don't celebrate your faith,

you mourn it.

If we're wrong, what's the right religion?

It's not about who's right or wrong.

No denomination's nailed it yet

because they're all too self-righteous

to realize that it doesn't matter

what you have faith in, just that you have faith.

Your hearts are in the right place,

but your brains gotta wake up.

Look. They made me and Silent Bob part of the gang.

[roars]

Who fuckin’ farted?

Not born.

Shit into existence.

SERENDIPITY: Sweet Christ, somebody wants you bad.

-What is that thing? -An excremental.

-The Golgothan. -A what?

A shit demon!

No man of woman born.

Mm. Friend of yours?

-Is this smelly fuck with us? -It came for Bethany.

Smoke that motherfucker like it ain't no thang.

Damn, | knew I's gonna whack somebody today.

Get your fuckin’ hand back.

Represent!

-Go! Go! -Yeah.

[Golgothan roars]

[punches and murmuring]

Heh heh heh heh.

Looks like we're in charge of the gang now.

[roars]

Behind the bar. Come on.

Where the fuck did that thing come from?

-Ever heard of Golgotha? -Skull place.

The hill where Christ was crucified?

It wasn't just Christ up there.

The Romans crucified everyone at that hill.

Christ excluded, they were all criminals, killers,

brigands, thieves, rapists.

Whenever the crucified expire,

their bodies would actually lose muscle control,

spilling bowel and bladder in the process,

the result of which is that walking pile of crap back there,

the Golgothan shit demon-- hell's chief assassin.

And it's here for you, girlie.

-Bob, get down. -Matches. Matches.

Raah.

-Man. -How?

"Knock strong odors out."

-Way to go, biggie. -Why would you ever carry this?

[farts] -Oh.

What?

Whoever sent this might send more.

| suggest you take the princess

and get as far away as possible.

I'll do what | can to get something

out of poopy boy here.

lf he tells me something, I'll let you know.

Hello. We'd like two tickets to New Jersey, please.

-Jersey's sold out, sir. -What?

There's one at the same time tomorrow.

| suggest you not underestimate

the staggering drawing power of the Garden State

and show up two hours in advance.

Nice. Your hard-on for smiting

has prevented us from negotiating

what ought to be the relatively simple matter

of catching or staying on a bus.

Oh, bus, schmuss. Anyway,

why should we fall victim to gravity

when we can just as easily rise above?

You mean fly?

We got wings, right?

Fuck, let's use 'em.

| wouldn't suggest that.

You see, kids, you wouldn't want to look like

a couple of fairies, now, would you?

Look at this pimp. How'd you get out of hell?

| told them | was coming up on a routine possession.

Look, | don't have much time.

If they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.

What's with bringing us in here?

You two fucks are inches from getting caught.

Going around killing people, about to uncase your wings.

Don't you have any idea what's going on?

Well, we're going home.

Oh, really. Are you so clueless

as to think you can just waltz back into heaven?

-Why not? -Everybody is looking for you.

Both sides. Above and below.

Orders are to terminate you on sight.

-Really? -Why?

Because you're pissing people off, that's why.

[chuckles] -Word on the grapevine

is that God's pissed off at your presumption,

and | know Lucifer's pissed

because you assholes might make him look bad

by succeeding where he's failed so many times.

So they're just gonna kill us?

They're gonna try.

That's why you have to travel incognito.

Tone down your behavior.

Stay off their respective radars.

Quit killing people. That's high profile.

Oh, lighten up.

| still can't believe they wanna kill us.

Oh, believe it, boys.

They've even got the last scion looking for you.

-Really? -You're kidding me.

This is huge. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides,

and they'll stop at nothing, | mean nothing, to prevent it.

In the meantime, | suggest you find

an alternate mode of transportation.

lf anything else comes up, I'll contact you.

Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.

| have to get back to the pit before they get suspicious.

And remember--in-cog-nito.

[whistle blows]

How you coping, kid?

It's weird.

Just when | think | have a handle on things...

something wholly unbelievable presents itself.

Sometimes | wish I'd just stayed home.

You sound like the man.

What's he like?

He likes to listen to people talk.

Christ loved to sit around the fire,

listen to me and the other guys.

Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit,

he always had a smile on his face.

His only real beef with mankind

is the shit that gets carried out in his name--

wars, bigotry, televangelism.

The big one, though,

is the factioning of all the religions.

He said mankind got it all wrong

by taking a good idea

and building a belief structure on it.

You're saying having beliefs is a bad thing?

| just think it's better to have ideas.

| mean, you can change an idea.

Changing a belief is trickier.

People die for it. People kill for it.

The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now

because of the Catholic belief structure

regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit.

Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not,

are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful,

you, me, all of this

ends in a heartbeat.

All over a belief.

You know, | haven't seen the moron twins in a while.

How about you?

One time, we were at the mall, right?

We tied tubby to the ceiling,

and he went, like, flying through the air,

fuckin’ crashed through the wall.

It was fucked up.

You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you?

Hells, no. We're just about to smoke a fatty

with these two suave motherfuckers

who just got on the last stop. This is Larry and Barry.

-Hi. -Hey. So Jay tells us

you're gonna sleep with him.

Hit this shit, man. It's good stuff.

Hit it.

Yeah, you're bad, dude.

-Yeah. -Bad shit.

So, why are you heading to New Jersey?

There's just this thing | have to do.

We're going home.

Oh. Do you two live together?

Unfortunately, yes.

So, how long have you two been together?

Awhile.

He can be pretty flaky sometimes,

but we have a lot in common.

How'd you meet?

We were stationed together.

See, that's beautiful.

Everybody's always up in arms

about this out-in-the-military issue.

-Pardon? -Well, you know,

there's all that macho bullshit

about it being "this man's army."

You two meet there and hook up.

Oh. You think we're lovers? No, no.

We're-We're-We're not gay.

Oh, God. I'm sorry. | just assumed.

Wh-- Do | come off as gay?

-No. -All right.

My ex-husband sort of screwed up

my relationship awareness barometer.

You're divorced.

That's a nice way of putting it.

| call it being dumped.

| was, uh, dumped once.

Don't you just constantly question your value?

Like, why was | so easy to cast aside?

And you, uh, wonder

if the other party is gonna come to their senses

and call you back.

They always tell you it'll hurt less with time.

Actually, it, uh, hurts more.

You know what we need?

What do we need?

We need drinks.

We need a lot of drinks.

-Garcon. [Bethany laughs]

You're saying you still go to church?

Every Sunday.

| mean, does it do anything for you or...

It gives me time to balance my checkbook every week.

See? That's what I'm saying. People don't go to church

to-to-to feel spiritual anymore.

They go to church and feel bored,

but they keep going every week just out of habit.

| am so buzzed.

Ahem. When, uh, when do you think you lost your faith?

| remember the exact moment.

| was on the phone with my mother...

..and, uh, she was trying to counsel me

through this... this thing.

And when nothing she was saying

was making me feel any better,

she said,

"Bethany, God has a plan."

| was... | was so angry with her.

| was like,

"What about my plans?"

-You know? -Mm-hmm.

| had planned to have a family

with my husband.

Wasn't that plan good enough for God?

Apparently not.

[puts down bottle]

How about you? When did you lose your faith?

Um, long time ago.

One day, God just, uh, stopped listening.

| kept talking, but | got the distinct impression

that he wasn't listening anymore.

How'd you know she was listening in the first place?

Um...

...well, | guess | don't.

| hate thoughts like that.

But, you know, they come to you with age.

‘Cause when you're a kid,

you never question the whole faith thing.

Mm-mmm.

God's in heaven, and he's...

..she's always got her eye on you.

I'd give anything to feel that way again.

Guess that's why | got talked into this pilgrimage.

[indistinct chatter]

Where is this pilgrimage to?

You wouldn't believe me if | told you.

Try me.

All right, but | warned you.

Okay.

I'm going to this church in New Jersey.

Really?

[ding]

[TRAIN ANNOUNCER OVER P.A.] -Kerwood Mandel, car three.

Kerwood Mandel, car three.

See, I'm supposed to stop a couple of angels

from going into the church.

They're trying...

Shit.

[giggles]

They're trying to get back into heaven.

[laughs]

See, they got tossed out of heaven

years ago, right?

And if they get back in, it proves God wrong,

and since God is infallible,

to prove her wrong

would, you know, unmake existence.

MAN OVER P.A.:May | have your attention, please.

The dining car will be closing in five minutes.

Thank you.

| feel so stupid

just saying it.

The thing | don't get is, | mean,

how am | supposed to stop an angel?

Two even.

Pfft.

Guess I'm supposed to talk them out of it or something.

Maybe you're supposed to kill them.

Oh, yeah, right.

Kill them.

| mean, even if that were the case, which it's not,

| mean, how do you kill an angel, Barry?

Oh.

| don't suppose it's much different

from... killing a human.

Where he hell is everybody? | wake up and--

-The apostle. -Holy shit!

Rufus, | want you to meet my new friend Barry.

Don't be such a show-off, Barry.

Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go.

-We can talk about this. -Bartleby?

After all this time, Rufus, this is what it comes down to--

slaughter by a meat puppet.

Get your fucking hands off me,

you dickless son of a bitch.

Save it, lady. Five minutes ago,

you were aching to top me off. Loki!

Holy shit. The apostle.

| didn't come in you, Pete, | swear.

-Hey, what are you doing here? -This woman just told me

she has to stop two angels from entering a church.

You think she's talking about us?

No, two other fucking angels.

Yeah, I'd say there's a pretty good chance.

What do you say, Rufus? We're to be liquidated?

You haven't thought about the consequences

of your re-entry.

-Consequences, schmonsequences. -Guess what.

We're going home, no matter whose pride it may hurt.

It's not a matter of pride, stupid!

-Loki, kill the girl. -What are you, high?

| can't kill her if she hasn't done anything.

-You know that. -Fine. I'll kill her myself.

Fuck is this shit? | fall asleep

and everyone takes off?

These guys are fuckin’ flat-leavers.

Shut his mouth.

Oh, shit!

Jay.

Biggie!

The door! The door!

Can't we talk about this?

Why don't | just get off at the next stop!

[indistinct chatter]

No ticket.

-The apostle is here. -| noticed.

Then you know who chick with him was, don't you?

The scion, | imagine!

Shit, man. Look, maybe we should rethink this whole thing.

| mean, you heard the guy. He said there are consequences.

And Azrael tells us we're marked?

Look, man, there is more to this than we thought about.

| was close.

You know? | was so close

to slitting that bitch's throat.

Whoa.

You know how | felt?

Righteous.

Justified. Eager, even.

You all right, man? Your eyes are kinda...

My eyes are open.

For the first time, | get it.

When that little innocent girl let her mission slip,

| had an epiphany. See, in the beginning,

it was just us and him-- angels and God.

-Uh-huh. -Then he created humans.

Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship

and bowing and scraping and adoration.

He gave them more than he ever gave us.

He gave them a choice.

They choose to acknowledge God or choose to ignore him.

All this time we've been down here,

I've felt the absence of the divine presence,

and it's pained me,

as I'm sure it must have pained you.

And why? Because of the way he made us.

Had we been given free will,

we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do.

But, no, we're servants.

Okay. You know, all I'm saying here

is that one of us might need a little nap.

Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything

he's bestowed upon them.

They were given paradise, they threw it away.

They were given this planet, they destroyed it.

They were favored best among all His endeavors,

and some of them don't even believe he exists.

And in spite of it all,

he has shown them infinite fucking patience

at every turn.

What about us?

| asked you once

to lay down the sword

because | felt sorry for them.

What was the result?

Our expulsion from paradise.

Where was his infinite fucking patience then?

It's not right! It's not fair!

We've paid our debt.

Don't you think it's time?

Don't you think it's time we went home?

And to do that, I... | think

we may have to dispatch our-our would-be dispatchers.

Wait. Wait, wait. Kill them?

You're talking about the last scion,

for Christ's sake. And what about Jay and Bob?

| mean, those guys were all right.

Don't. Don't, my friend.

See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you.

They did me once.

Scion or not, she's just a human,

and by passing through that arch,

our sins are forgiven.

No harm, no foul.

My God. I've heard a rant like this before.

What did you say?

I've heard a rant like this before.

Don't you fucking do that to me.

You sound like the morning star.

-You shut your fucking face! -You do!

You sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it!

You're not talking about going home, Bartleby.

You're talking about fucking war on God.

Well, fuck that.

| have seen what happens to the proud

when they take on the throne.

I'm going back to Wisconsin.

-Unh. -We're going home, Loki,

and no one, not you, not even the Almighty himself

is gonna make that otherwise.

Shit.

| don't understand why we couldn't stay on the train.

You threw those guys off.

Very basic strategy. lf your enemies

know where you are, then don't be there.

-Why are we enemies? -Well, | know

| perceive the person sent to kill me as an enemy.

What does that mean?

Since when am | supposed to kill anybody?

I'm tired of all this cryptic bullshit.

I'm physically and psychologically exhausted,

Rufus, and I'm ready to kick back

and welcome the end of existence unless you come clean right now.

Why me?

Out of all the people on the goddamn planet,

why was | tapped?

Imagine you're a 12-year-old boy.

Then one day, you're told you're God's only son,

but more than that, you're God.

How long do you think it would take you

to come to grips with something that huge?

Maybe, say, mm, 18 years?

In the Bible, Jesus

suddenly goes from age 12 to 30. 12 to 30.

Now, that's some pretty bad storytelling.

Where are the volumes of text

dealing with the missing 18 years?

I'll tell you where.

They were offered up as a sacrifice

to the god of ecumenical politics.

You make it sound like there's some church conspiracy

to cover up "the truth about Christ."

Oh, bullshit.

Any important material about Christ

would give people a better understanding

of the nature of God.

Why would they leave any of it out?

Because it's all closely tied in with his family.

His mother and father.

Brothers and sisters.

Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters.

Mary was a virgin.

Mary gave birth to Christ

without having known a man's touch.

This is true.

But she did have a husband. Do you really think

he would've stayed married to her for all those years

if he wasn't gettin’ laid?

The nature of God and the virgin birth,

those are leaps of faith.

But to believe a married couple never got down,

well, that's just plain gullibility.

Meaning?

The blood that flows through your veins

shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level

with the one you call Jesus.

Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-

great-great-great-great- great-great-grand niece

of Jesus Christ.

So, that would make Bethany part Black?

| can't do this anymore.

Bethany, where you gonna go?

You know what I'm saying is right.

-It's bullshit. -Bethany.

It's bullshit!

Let her go, man.

Give her time.

[screams] Why?

What the fuck do you want from me?

| fucking hate you!

| hate you.

He can't hear you, you know.

That's why we needed you.

Why didn't you tell me?

Would you--

Could you have believed me?

It was something you had to come to gradually.

Only after everything you've seen...

..everything you've heard

could you possibly be able to accept the truth.

| don't want this.

It's too big.

That's what Jesus said.

| had to tell him.

You can imagine how that hurt the father...

...not to be able to tell the son himself

‘cause one word from his lips

would destroy the boy's frail human form.

So | had to deliver the news to a scared child

who wanted nothing more than to play with other children.

| had to tell this little boy that he was God's only son,

and it meant a life of persecution

and eventual crucifixion

at the hands of the very people

he'd come to enlighten and redeem.

He begged me to take it all back.

As if | could.

He begged me to "make it all not true."

And I'll let you in on something, Bethany.

It's something I've never told anyone before.

If | had the power...

...| would have.

It's unfair. It's unfair to ask a child

to shoulder that responsibility,

and it's unfair to ask you to do the same now.

| sympathize. | do. | wish | could take it all back.

But | can't.

This...

.. IS Who you are.

Everything | am has been a lie.

No, no, no, no.

Knowing what you now know

doesn't mean you're not who you were.

You are Bethany Sloane.

No one can take that away from you, not even God.

All this means is a redefinition

of that identity.

The incorporation of this new data

into who you are.

Be who you've always been.

Just...

...be this as well...

...from time to time.

Guess this means no more cheating on my taxes.

To say the least.

Look, do you mind if we adjourn

to somewhere a tad more habitable

and a bit warmer?

["Blue Danube Waltz" plays]

Fuck, man, | think this shit just kicked in.

Excuse me. Weren't we just in the woods?

What are we doing here now?

Going out in style.

The voice.

The apostle.

Now, who's this motherfucker?

The voice of God. Show some respect.

Oh, the voice of God. Where's the rest of Him?

It's funny you should mention that. We're not sure.

-What? -Come on, Apostle.

Didn't it ever occur to you this Bartleby-Loki situation

was well within the sphere of his control?

Yes, but then why was she tapped?

You know those constitutionals that he likes to take?

Constitutionals?

| think we're beyond euphemisms at this point.

God's a skeeball fanatic.

The Lord has quite a fancy for the game.

He's been playing it for years.

He assumes a human form once a month and indulges.

Doesn't tell anyone where he's playing.

He just goes away for a couple of hours.

And from what | understand,

he always gives his free points away

to neighborhood children. Isn't that sweet?

But she hasn't come back from one of these day trips?

-ls that what you're saying? -No, "she" hasn't.

And we've been unable to locate "her."

He could've been killed.

Human form does have that drawback.

Uh, there's a different sort of foul play afoot, children.

Whomever has set the renegade angels

on their path

and is keeping them quite well-hidden

is also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts.

Were he to be killed in human form,

he'd have returned immediately to heaven.

Someone knew enough to keep him biologically alive,

but incapacitate him in another fashion.

And as omnipotent as we are above,

| have to admit that we're more or less lost

without his presence.

We've had our people looking everywhere for him.

And | tapped her

because | thought we'd be able to smoke out

whoever's behind this. But whoever he is

has been clever enough to send some lackeys after you

as opposed to showing up themselves.

Could it be Lucifer?

No, it's not Lucifer. If he was,

he'd have made his move by now to conquer heaven.

And | know he's not responsible for Bartleby and Loki

because he's had just as much to lose by their return

-as anybody else. -So what are we gonna do now?

Well, | say we get drunk ‘cause I'm all out of ideas.

Why don't we just ask this guy to close the church?

| beg your pardon?

It's the guy in charge of the church thing.

Cardinal Glick?

Maybe we can just ask him to shut down the church.

If it's closed that day, uh, those guys

can't get blessed or whatever, right?

Good Lord. The little stoner’s got a point.

Maybe we could go talk to this guy Glick.

Maybe we could talk him into canceling

the rededication ceremony.

"We"?

Are you saying you're back in,

Miss | Don't Think | Can Do This Anymore?

["Blue Danube Waltz" plays]

| wouldn't want to let the family down now, would |?

Well...

the prophets

finally live up to their titles.

Mass attendance is at an all-time low

in this country, but if we can let ‘em know

the Catholic church has a little panache,

we can win ‘em back, even get some new ones.

Excuse me.

Fill them pews, people. That's the key.

Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.

Kinda like the tobacco industry.

Christ, if only we had their numbers.

We really appreciate you seeing us

this late in the day, Your Eminence.

My friends and | have been traveling all night

in hope of getting a chance to talk to you

about the St. Michael's rededication ceremony.

So you looking to help out in some way, | take it?

We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.

[clock chimes]

| beg your pardon.

There's gonna be a world of trouble

if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planned.

Are you... pro-choice?

No, no. The trouble's not from us.

It's from these renegade angels

that've been stuck on earth since the plagues.

Um, these guys--they think they're renegade angels.

See, padre, it goes down like this.

These guys think that by passing through that archway,

they can go straight to heaven.

You want me to call off the ceremony

for that.

Who sent you?

We were sent by him who is called | Am.

Cute. Really cute. But come on, kids.

Playtime with the cardinal is over.

Worked for Moses.

-Stay out of this. -Let's go.

Your Eminence, it's not a joke.

I'm telling you, man, this ceremony's a big mistake.

The Catholic church does not make mistakes.

Please! What about the church's

silent consent of the slave trade?

And its platform of noninvolvement

during the Holocaust?

All right, mistakes were made.

But one can hardly hold the current incarnation

of Holy Mother Church responsible

for the oversights of old.

Now, I'm a very important man with very important matters

that demand my attention, so if you please...

But tomorrow--

Tomorrow goes off without a hitch.

Do | make myself clear?

Neither you nor any other influence

short of the hand of God himself

is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch.

| can see the headlines now

if there were gonna be any.

"Existence Erased."

Don't worry about it. We evened the score.

Hand it over, Silent Bob.

What up?

You stole the cardinal's driver?

That's what he gets for messin’ with our girlfriend.

Cross-dressin' fuck.

That's sort of sweet. Thanks, guys.

So what do we do now about Bartleby and Loki?

| guess we're gonna have to try and kill ‘em.

You said they couldn't be killed.

Correction.

They won'be killed.

And just to ensure that,

we're all gonna sit tight right here

until those two idiots pass through that arch.

Hey, there's only one idiot here, Azrael.

And I'm looking right at him.

Muse.

Just in time to join us for a drink.

Hey. Where'd you come from?

-Where'd you come from? -Me?

Nothingness. And that's where I'm returning to

in approximately, oh, one hour.

All right, Plato, sounds like you've had enough already.

-Let's go. -Oh, darn it.

Come on, barkeep, just one drink.

One for the road, then I'm gone?

| was trying to find you to tell you

| figured out who was behind all this.

Is that who | think it is?

-None other than. -Who is it?

All right, one drink. Then you're gone.

Get me a...

.. holy bartender.

Never heard of it.

He doesn't know how to make a holy bartender.

You do, don't you, Muse?

Don't.

Ahh. Anybody?

No?

Well, | Know how to make a holy bartender.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

-Get it? -Sweet Jesus, Azrael. Why?

Come on, demon! Let me see you try that shit

on somebody who's already dead!

Oh, Apostle, you maintain

that kind of an attitude, and you and the barkeep

won't be the only corpses in the room.

The Christ bitch will join you.

[flies buzzing] -Are you really that stupid?

You do know what's gonna happen

if those two jerks enter that church.

I'm actually counting on it.

And if my calculations are correct,

the pawns are moving into checkmate

as we speak.

[chuckles]

"Holy Bartender." | get it. That's a great one!

[flies buzzing]

Now, I'd also like to acknowledge

this great state's governor, Elizabeth Dalton,

for coming out here this morning.

It's true she's a Protestant,

but we're not gonna hold that against her.

[laughter]

Now, uh, let me just tell you a little bit of history

about this particular

hundred-years-young house of God.

God's house?

God doesn't live here anymore.

[murmuring]

He's grown weary of your superficial faith.

He's turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers.

He has abandoned you...

-Sorry. - ...his favorites,

to the whim of judgment.

Hypocrites, charlatans...

.. prepare to taste God's wrath.

-Maybe we should just leave. -You wanted your body count.

You got it. This lot is rife with sin.

We'll judge them all.

Officer McGhee.

All right, mouthpiece, let's leave

the nice cardinal alone and go for a ride.

Mr. McGhee, don't make me angry.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Is that so?

[crack; screaming]

Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged

as guilty of violations against our Almighty God,

and this very day, | assure you

you will all pay for your trespasses

in blood.

Wings now.

-I'm feeling exposed here. -Do it!

So he's a muse, too?

Former muse.

[sing-song] He was kicked out.

Ever the fucking apple polisher.

So then what happened?

Yes, what?

Well, Lucifer just had to start

his little war for the throne.

Heaven became divided into two factions--

the faithful and the renegades.

Oh, the ethereal plains were chaotic with battle.

Angel against angel.

And when it was all over,

God cast the rebels into perdition.

But Azrael refused to fight.

He remained in the middle,

waiting to see who came out victorious.

What are you, some kind of fuckin' chicken?

| was an artist, stupid!

| was inspiration!

A muse has no place in battle.

So after the fallen were banished to hell,

God turned on those that wouldn't fight,

and Azrael was sent down with the demons,

something he considers a great injustice.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me

you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.

No. It never bothered me.

So you were an artist.

Big deal.

Elvis was an artist,

but that didn't stop him from joining the service

in time of war.

That's why he is the king,

and you're a schmuck.

-Nice. -So all this is about revenge.

You're gonna unmake existence

because you have a grudge against God?

After the first million years?

No. Escape from hell became my all-consuming reason.

So | studied the religions

and waited for my opportunity to present itself,

which it finally did in Catholicism.

Plenary indulgence. But | couldn't exercise it.

Demons can't become human.

No, we can't transubstantiate.

But angels can.

Bartleby and Loki.

After that, it was a simple matter

of waiting for a church to celebrate their centennial,

and when that finally happened,

| sent the pair an article laced with ideas.

An incantation | picked up in the pit

kept them cloaked and off heaven's radars.

And aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan,

no soul in hell had a clue as to what was going on.

But the Almighty could still putsch the whole deal,

so | dispatched him in a fairly ingenious fashion.

Her. And how?

That's the only thing | couldn't figure out.

Oh, no, I've seen way too many Bond movies

to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan,

no matter how close

you may think you are to winning.

[huffs] -The only X factor

was the involvement of the last scion here.

But fat lot of good that did, right?

| mean, here you all are.

Powerless to stop the inevitable.

Look, asshole, | don't know

if anyone explained the rules to you,

but if you succeed, everything

gets blinked out of existence, even you.

Human, have you ever been to hell?

| think not.

I'd rather not exist than go back to that.

And if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.

Still thinking only about yourself,

you fucking child.

Now, now, now.

Things are getting too intense in here.

Hey. What say we watch a little TV?

Yo, put it on channel nine. Davey and Goliath.

[flies buzz]

Uh, actually, | was thinking

more along the lines of current events.

[screaming]

Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

| repeat, men with huge fucking wings

have laid waste to St. Michael's!

Bullets don't seem to affect them!

And the remainder of the crowd have dropped to their knees,

identifying this as the fabled apocalypse.

Now-Now, I'm not a man of faith,

but I'm inclined to agree with them.

Oh, God, please, don't come any closer!

Don't come any closer. God, no!

No.

Aah.

You see that? And | told them to keep a low profile.

Oh, I'd be pissed, but in a couple of minutes,

it's not gonna really matter anyway.

Oh?

Oh, now what was that all about?

What?

Oh, nothing.

| had something in my eye.

Now who's the fucking child?

[drops the remote]

What did you tell him, Serendipity?

To hit me with the golf club?

Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon.

And you'd have him assault me with a putter?

You want to play? Then we'll play.

One side, Red.

Go ahead, then. Pick it up.

Call it a gift.

Come on.

That's it.

Take a shot.

Take your best... fucking... shot.

[flies buzzing]

No, I'm serious. I'm not kidding. Take it.

Come on.

Come on, bright boy.

Don't you know anything?

[dramatic music plays]

Bethany, bless the sink!

-What? -Just do it!

Bless the sink, damn it!

That's what you get, motherfucker.

But I'm a fucking demon.

-What just happened? -He said it himself--

[imitates his voice] "I'm a fucking demon."

[normal voice] You hit a demon with an instrument of God,

the pure side's always gonna do some damage.

Holy shit. Silent Bob's an instrument of God?

No, but the driver is because Glick's the kind of asshole

who would bless his own clubs for a better golf game.

-But the sink? -You've got the divine heritage

going for you.

Sanctifying is just one of the fringe benefits.

Remind me to try that water-to-wine thing

at my next party.

How far away is this church?

Three towns over, about ten miles.

-Rufus, grab the gun. -Ten steps ahead of you.

Here, take the bartender's car. He's not gonna need it.

The whole fucking world's against us, dude,

| swear to God.

[somber music plays]

[kicks debris]

Oh, my God.

[bell chimes]

JAY:And people wonder why | don't go to church anymore.

RUFUS: Are we too late?

To save these poor schmucks?

Yeah. But we still exist.

Where are they?

RUFUS: They could already be in the church.

Which means if they come out, nobody touches them.

Are you fucking shitting me? The brother's gonna shred 'em

with his angel-be-good special. Ain't ya, homey?

If they pass through that arch, they come out clean.

And if they die, they go straight up.

And hello. We know what happens then, right?

-Why don't they kill themselves? -It's a mortal sin.

You die with a mortal sin On your soul and you burn.

They're not trying to get to hell.

Then what the fuck are we supposed to do,

just wait for a solution to fall out of the sky?

Aah.

Friend of yours?

No. That was the cardinal.

You can't tell from his face,

but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.

It's one of them! Kill that motherfucker!

No. Don't you listen? We can't touch him!

| wasn't gonna touch him. | was gonna shoot his ass.

He's been at it for a while now.

[victim, indistinct]

We-We ran out of p-p-parishioners,

and so he just started picking up folk off the road

and just dropping ‘em.

This is just eons of repression getting purged.

If only they'd let us jerk off, you know?

[person pleading]

-Whoops. Take a step back. -Aah.

-Oh. [thud; splat]

Let me go!

Why? What are you trying to prove?

-All these people! -Hey, this wasn't my idea!

All right?

Jesus Christ!

| just wanted to go home.

But him, you know, he just lost it.

He realized who you were

and what you were gonna have to do.

[stammers] He just snapped. The funny thing is,

this guy could never even stand to see me work.

He just-- He said he felt sorry for you people.

Now look at him.

This guy's fuckin’ drunker than hell.

Which means he's human now.

[thud] -His wings have been cut off.

Loki.

Loki.

The muse?

Aw, no way!

| haven't seen you-- You look terrific.

Wow! What's with the tits? Can I--

Have you walked through the arch yet?

Come on, tell me. Have you gone in

and come out through the archway yet?

No!

Opp, he's back.

[dramatic music plays]

We were awaiting your arrival.

Bartleby, wait.

Stop. Listen to me. You can't go through with this.

Azrael was just using you. If you go back-- Unh.

I've become aware of the repercussions, Muse.

| Know what I'm doing.

You sick, twisted fuck!

Bethany.

You, of all people, should understand

what I'm trying to accomplish here.

You too know what it feels like to be cast aside.

But you've only dealt with the pain a few years.

I've dealt with it for a millennia.

And while you never see your ex-husband

or how blissful he is with his new wife...

..and he is...

..seeing you people every day

on this perfect little world he created for you

is a constant reminder that though my kind came first,

your kind was most-revered.

And while you know forgiveness...

...we know only regret.

Lesson must be taught.

All are accountable,

even God.

Soon a cadre of police will arrive

just in time to kill us as we exit the church.

And then this failed experiment called existence...

...will cease to be.

No. Hey.

Hey!

No. No.

| can't let you do that, Bartleby.

This has gone too far.

| might have to take you down.

It's okay.

-Shh. -I'll do it.

My compatriot.

Genocide takes a lot out of him.

He's weakened.

You're weak.

More importantly, he's also a human being...

a condition which carries two liabilities--

conscience...

and, uh...

. Short life span.

I'm sorry, old friend,

but you lost the faith.

[clang]

[dramatic music plays]

No.

Oh, my God, he's lost it. We're fucked.

-We're absolutely fucked! -| hear that shit.

Aah.

| can't believe this shit.

We're on the brink of nonexistence,

and God's still nowhere to be found.

What the fuck kind of deity gets kidnapped?

Amen to that.

What the hell are you doing?

We have about five minutes left to live.

The whole world's gonna end. You said you'd fuck me.

[straining]

-You're a pig. -Oh, what?

Nobody's gonna beat that thing. Now, we can either lay here

all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there

or we can get makin’ with the love.

-What did you say? -Make with the love.

It's a nice way of saying boning.

No, about John Doe Jersey.

These stay on.

That guy, the one they won't take off life support--

John Doe Jersey. This is where he's at.

St. Michael's Hospital over there.

Where's the nearest boardwalk?

Look, | ain't got time to win you a prize.

Now we gotta get to the fucking.

-Where is it? -Asbury Park,

about five miles away.

-Have you ever been there? -Once, with this chick.

We were about to fuck on the carousel

and | got sick and started puking...

-Do they have skeeball there? -Yeah.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Unh. Ow.

-Uhh. [smack]

[shrieks]

Whatever you do, stall Bartleby

from going into that church.

Bob, come with me. Come on!

How am | supposed to do that?

-Think of something! -| already did,

-but it takes two of us! [screaming]

WOMAN: ! repeat, this is not a drill.

This is the apocalypse.

Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion.

Thank you. | repeat--

[groans]

-Unh. -Yaah.

[clang] -Aah. Oh.

No.

Hey, Big Bird!

Ready for the counting game?

No-o-o-o!

Unh.

Count the shells, Suck A Duck.

[dramatic music plays]

[grunts]

No more bullets.

Now, what the fuck would you do that for?

Angels have to cut their wings off

to become human.

You just did him a favor, stupid!

Heh.

[chuckles]

[laughing maniacally]

[machine beeping]

| hope you're the skeeball type.

[screams]

[majestic music playing]

Oh, Bartleby.

Was Wisconsin really that bad?

-Bow down, stupid! [choral music playing]

[whispers] I'm sorry.

[sobbing]

Anyone who isn't dead

or from another plane of existence

would do well to cover their ears

right about now.

What the fuck?

Thank you.

[supersonic yell]

[thud]

It never ends.

Get off of me. | wanna see what's up.

What the fuck is this shit?

Who the fuck are you, lady?

Why the fuck did you hug my head?

Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?

What the fuck is this, The Piano?

Why ain't this broad talkin"?

| believe the answers that you seek

lie within my companion's eyes.

What the fuck does that mean?

Has everyone gone fuckin’ nuts?

What the fuck happened to that guy's head?

-| want some-- -Shh.

Where was she?

Imprisoned in a body.

Bethany figured it all out. She's a clever girl, that one.

Ooh.

Hang on a minute.

[dramatic music crescendos]

Heh.

You missed a bit.

Well, then, you ready to go back, Apostle?

You ready to make some of those changes | been talking about?

We'll see.

Muse?

Seeing as how you just had to get involved,

you're welcome to return with us as well.

First | gotta say good-bye to Bethany. Where is she?

Oh, no.

[somber music plays]

Metatron, is she...

'Fraid so.

One of the drawbacks to being a martyr

is that you have to die.

But no matter.

All is being taken care of.

How so?

Wax on, wax off.

[dramatic music plays and crescendos]

[gasps]

[coughs]

[gasps for air]

-How did l... -She can rebuild you.

She has the technology.

She can make you better, stronger, faster.

That's...

Avery relieved deity.

You did well, little girl.

| Knew you'd come ‘round.

Your kind always does.

So you might want to take good care of yourself.

We're gonna need you down the road.

| know. I'm the last scion.

W-Well, you're half right.

You werethe last scion.

But now...

.. this...

...1S the last scion.

Um, I'm pregnant?

Can't put anything past you.

Take care of that parcel for us.

She has a world of work ahead of her.

Oh.

Thank you for...

| don't know.

Everything.

God, there's a million things | wish | could ask you,

most of it questioning what I'm sure is your great plan,

and that would be really arrogant of me, | know.

But there is one | need to ask,

and I'm sure you get it all the time.

How many opportunities like this will | ever get?

Why are we here?

Waah.

Didn't | tell you she was funny?

[chuckles]

| really enjoyed meeting you.

It was an honor.

You did so well.

| told you she was a woman.

She's not really a woman.

She's not really anything.

She's something, all right.

Crisis of faith over?

| think I'm now burdened with an overabundance.

When it rains, it pours.

Are you saying you believe?

No. But | have a good idea.

Yes.

The man was right about you.

Now I'm gonna go home and tell him so.

And if you clean up your language,

| just might put in a good word for you, too.

Thanks.

Why don't you name the kid after me?

Rufus.

[choral music playing]

[thud]

Yo, we should go to Quik Stop.

Youse guys wanna hear something sick?

| got half a stalk when she kissed me.

-Jay. -| couldn't help it.

-The bitch was hot. -You know,

you can't talk to me that way anymore.

I'm gonna be somebody's mother.

You're pregnant?

When you're pregnant, we're gonna have sex

until your third trimester.

I'll Keep that in mind.

[organ music plays]

[majestic fanfare closing music playing]

["Still" by Alanis Morissette plays]

~ lam the harm that you inflict J

1am your brilliance and frustration J

J I'm the nuclear bombs, if they're to hit I

| am your immaturity and your indignance J

J | am your mistress and your prais-ed J

| am your doubt and your conviction J

J | am your charity and your rape J

| am your grasping and expectation J

~lsee you f

J Averting your glances J

~lsee you f

¢ Cheering on the war J

~lsee you f

¢ Ignoring your children J

J And | love you still J

J And | love you still J

| am your joy and your regret J

| am your fury and your elation J

| am your yearning and your sweat J

J | am your faithless and your religion J

~lsee you f

f Altering history J

~lsee you f

J Abusing the land J

~lsee you f

J Your selective amnesia J

J And | love you still J

J And | love you still J

[vocalizing]

| am your tragedy and your fortune J

~ | am your crisis and delight J

| am your profits and your prophets J

~ lam your art, lam your bytes f

J | am your death and your decisions J

| am your passion and your plights J

J | am your sickness and convalescence J

J | am your weapons and your light J

~lsee you f

f Altering history J

~lsee you f

J Abusing the land J

~lsee you f

J Your selective amnesias J

J And | love you still J

J And | love you still J

~lsee you f

J Holding your grudges J

~lsee you f

~ Gunning them down JS

~lsee you f

¢ Silencing your sisters J

J And | love you still J

J And | love you still J

~lsee you f

¢ Lying to your country J

~lsee you f

J Forcing them out J

~lsee you f

~ Blaming each other J

J And | love you still J

J And | love you still J

[vocalizing]

JAY: So, that would make Bethany part Black?