Original subtitles

(SEAGULL SQUAWKS)

MUSICIAN: One, two, three. One, two, three.

WHITMER THOMAS: I grew up skateboarding.

-♪ (MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yeah, I still skate.

It's weird, though, 'cause I'm in my 30s.

It's weird 'cause I'll just be, like,

at a skate spot under a bridge for hours,

and I'll just look around and realize

that I'm just hanging out

with a bunch of 14-year-old boys.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Just me and a bunch of young boy--

-Usually shirtless young boys. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Y'all ready?

WHITMER: These skater boys will always film each other

landing tricks and shit.

Sometimes they'll have me film them doing trick--

To be honest, my camera roll, chock full of 14-year-old boys.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Choppin' broccoli, choppin' brocc--

I noticed that skater boys have this thing

that they do whenever they get hurt,

like, they won't admit to it.

Like, they could have blood pouring down their face,

and their buddy will come up to them and be like...

(IMITATES SKATER) "Oh, my God, dude, what happened, man?

Are you okay?" And they'll be like,

"I'm totally fine. I just had the sudden urge to go inside."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -WHITMER: (NORMALLY) Like, it's okay, pal.

You could admit you're hurt, man.

Hey, hey. (SCREAMS)

I was lucky as a kid, you know? I wasn't too good at skating.

And at one point, we hit hard times.

And then every time I'd go skate,

my mom would be like...

(IN FEMININE SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Please don't get hurt today.

We don't have insurance." (CHUCKLES)

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(KID SCREAMS)

WHITMER: (NORMALLY) But I like that,

'cause my buddies would be like...

(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Today, you gotta drop in

from the tallest half-pipe at the skate park."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -And I'd be like,

"I wish I could, man, but sadly, I don't have insurance."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

WHITMER: (NORMALLY) Pretty cool, pretty cool.

♪ ("COOLER WHEN I'M SICK" BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING) ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

WHITMER: Let's do it.

♪ Oh, tonight Under these lights I will try ♪

♪ Too old for angst ♪

♪ And this stupid Little twinkle in my eye ♪

♪ Oh, desperation ♪

♪ For approval masked as A willingness to entertain ♪

♪ I feel insane I feel so lame ♪

♪ And when the going gets tough Well, I lose all integrity ♪

♪ Tonight, under these lights ♪

♪ And I got this stupid Little twinkle in my eye ♪

♪ Yes, I will try For you, I will ♪

♪ I will try very hard ♪

♪ I will try very hard ♪

♪ I will try very hard ♪

♪ For you I will try very hard always ♪

♪ Oh! Trying will remain criminal ♪

♪ Subliminal thoughts Creep in my brain ♪

♪ If it's quiet do an impression Of Sir Michael Caine ♪

(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE) ♪ Some people, Master Wayne ♪

♪ Just wanna watch The world burn ♪

♪ Just wanna watch The world burn ♪

(NORMALLY) ♪ Oh! My ex told me I'm cooler when I'm sick ♪

♪ And I feel so diseased I can't help it ♪

-♪ I wanna scream ♪ -(SCREAMS)

-♪ I wanna scream ♪ -(SCREAMS)

♪ We can't crush the caveat Can't crush the caveat ♪

♪ When I chew gum ♪

♪ I put the whole bag In my mouth at once ♪

♪ Or else I can't taste it When I play with kids ♪

♪ I often commit Too hard to the bit ♪

♪ And freak them the fuck out ♪

♪ Because I try ♪

♪ I try very hard for you ♪

♪ I try very hard always ♪

♪ Oh! When I was young ♪

♪ I talked like Tom Green For one entire year ♪

♪ While my parents Were both in rehab ♪

♪ I guess I do my best ♪

♪ You never really deal With things that are real ♪

♪ My ex told me I'm cooler when I'm sick ♪

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

-(SCREAMING) -♪ (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

WHITMER: (HEAVY METAL SCREAMING) ♪ Terminal! ♪

♪ Crew of dudes! ♪

♪ Crew of dudes! ♪

-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪ -(NORMALLY) Give it up for my band, y'all.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

We all grew up in Alabama together.

We've known each other pretty much our whole lives.

That's-- That's my best friend Jeramy right there.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

WHITMER: That's my best friend, Clay, right there.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

WHITMER: And this is my best friend, Budd, right here.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Actually, Budd did not grow up in Alabama.

We did not grow up with him.

He's from California. He's a coastal elitist.

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

I've only known this man for 18 years.

He's basically a fucking stranger to me,

and I don't know what he's doing on stage tonight.

(HESITATES) I consider you one of my closest friends.

-I-- It hurts-- -WHITMER: Fuck you.

It hurt-- Oh.

-WHITMER: I hate you. -All right.

And everybody, let him hear it. My big brother, Johnny.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

WHITMER: He's huge. He's huge.

Look at him. He's huge. (CHUCKLES)

(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

Man, I really, really want to be cool.

Like I do everything in my power to be cool, man.

I try to buy the right clothes and listen to the right music.

Ah, it'd be so cool to just be like the coolest guy ever.

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

The coolest type of guy there is is an LOL guy.

I don't know if y'all know this style of guy.

An LOL guy is a guy to where you, like,

text him the funniest thing

you've ever seen in your whole life.

-And then six weeks later... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-...he responds, "LOL." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Which is sort of the same thing as going,

"Mm, I don't care if you live or die."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -That's a cool guy.

That's the kind of guy I want to be, man,

but that ain't me, man.

You text me something that's actually funny,

I won't say "LOL," I'll already be on your doorstep

and you'll just hear me outside going...

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE) 'Cause some people just wanna watch the world burn.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(NORMALLY) That's the... That's the second time

I've done an impression of Michael Caine tonight.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I don't know. I don't care if it's hacky.

-It's really funny to do that. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Really, I just think it's funny that,

you know, that's a quote from The Dark Knight,

and that's one of the biggest movies ever made,

directed by Christopher Nolan,

who's one of the most powerful directors there is,

and he didn't have it in him to say to Michael Caine, um,

"Hey, Michael Caine, I was wondering

if, uh, maybe, uh, you could redo that line,

'cause, uh, we wanted to use it in the trailer,

and nobody knows what the fuck you're saying."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And then all that Michael Caine could muster was...

-(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE MUMBLING) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All right, I guess I'll just live with that.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(INHALES DEEPLY) I think it's pretty clear

that I'm really good at impressions. (CHUCKLES)

I can basically do an impression of anybody.

All I gotta do is get your first name

and what you do for a living,

and I'll do a perfect impression of you.

So, I'd like to do that tonight, if that's okay.

Um, would it be okay if I did an impression of you? Okay.

All I gotta do is just, uh,

get your first name and what you do for a living.

I'll do a perfect impression.

Okay. I'm Ian, and I'm a writer.

(IN WHINY VOICE) "My name's Ian, I'm a writer."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(NORMALLY) Sorry, Ian, you sound annoying, man.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I think it's pretty clear that I was raised by addicts.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -But that's okay, that's okay.

Sadly, my mom drank herself to death.

But, uh, you know,

I figured I'm gonna name my first kid in her honor.

Yeah, I'm gonna name my first kid Al-Anon.

-Can I talk to you over here? -Yeah.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

CLAY TATUM: That wasn't good, right?

-Yeah. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-CLAY: We could do better? -Yeah. Yeah, I'll do better.

-CLAY: Let's do that. -All right. Okay.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All right, from here on out, I'm gonna do a better job.

Now, you go one way or the other when you're raised by an addict.

You either become a cool, impenetrable mystery,

or you become a squeaky little dumbass.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

And I'll let y'all decide which one of those I am.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

This is my impression of a, uh...

of, like, a serious folk musician

whose harmonica is just a little too far away from him.

Actually, I don't gotta do it.

-I just explained it pretty good. (CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

♪ (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ In my mind I'm a pretty cool guy ♪

♪ With an ass for a chin And fuck me eyes ♪

♪ Who'd win a race If I gave a shit ♪

♪ But I don't feel like it ♪

♪ I'm never lonely When I'm alone ♪

♪ Livin' in my minimal Postmodern home ♪

♪ My famous friends Let me cut in line ♪

♪ I'm a, I'm a I'm a pretty cool guy ♪

♪ All right now! ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ Watching Buffalo '66 ♪

♪ Dressin' like River Phoenix ♪

♪ Kerouac and Wim Wenders Times Square, David Byrne ♪

♪ And do the dead really die If they still piss you off? ♪

♪ I wrote the book On how to get lost ♪

♪ And I ain't afraid To get a little dark ♪

♪ Like The Panic In Needle Park ♪

♪ But I'm a bright little star When I'm in my room ♪

♪ A butterfly baby in a cocoon ♪

♪ And I don't care But I'll still ask you ♪

♪ I do, I do, I do as they do! ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ Am I eccentric Or just a dick? ♪

♪ Ripping cigs and talking shit Into the wild blue ♪

♪ You gotta be a fool To fool the fool ♪

♪ Who's thinking That they are fooling you ♪

♪ In my mind you want me back ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the only one Who can make you laugh ♪

♪ I'll hate your art Till you compliment mine ♪

♪ I'm a, I'm a I'm a pretty cool guy ♪

♪ That's right, hey ♪

-Take it, Clay! -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ Lately I realize I tell when I'm blue ♪

♪ There's nothin' in the past I'd want to undo ♪

♪ You didn't break my heart Baby, I don't miss you ♪

♪ It's true, it's true ♪

♪ It's true It's true, it's true ♪

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) -♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

I've always, like, wanted to be something, you know?

Like, when I was a little kid, I was in Christmas choir,

and I would stand on the edge of the risers,

and we'd get to the end of the show, and we'd go...

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

Then I'd hop off the edge of the risers and go...

-♪ And many more ♪ -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES) The teacher would be like, "What the hell?"

And I'd be like, "I want to be the star."

-(CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

WHITMER: 'Cause I was so jealous

of kids who did get to be the star.

Like, I remember the first time my mom, she, like,

showed me a music video of the band Hanson.

And I remember just sitting there going,

"I want those fucking kids dead, Ma."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"I want them fucking dead, Ma.

I want them dead. I want them to die violently, Ma."

But the truth is, I was just jealous of them.

Because they're really cool-looking kids,

and they can all sing like California Raisins. And...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...I wanted to be like that. You know?

I wanted to be that way.

Johnny has a son named Ronin. He's a great dad.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) -WHITMER: Yeah.

He's got a son who's, uh-- He's a kid, you know?

He's in elementary school. And he's a cool kid, you know?

But I worry sometimes that he's like me,

how I was when I was a kid, you know?

And so every time I go back to Alabama and I look at him,

I look at him kind of like how Forrest Gump

looks at his son at the end of the movie...

when-- you know, when he's like...

-(BREATHES HEAVILY) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-(IMITATES FORREST GUMP) "Is he like me?" -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(NORMALLY) And Jenny's like, "No, he's fucking normal."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Weird part of the movie, weird turn.

I don't think he's gonna be like me, you know,

'cause he can, like, speak up in a way that I never could,

'cause I wanted everybody to like me.

Like, we were at our grandfather's 98th birthday party,

and a bunch of old fuckers

were singing happy birthday to him.

And Ronin comes up to me and Johnny, and he goes...

-"I'm bored." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And then he slowly pointed at everyone.

He goes, "Everyone here is bored."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And when I was like five years old,

Johnny had his birthday party at Benihana.

And he didn't want me to go. He was in middle school

and he wanted all of his, like, middle school friends to go.

And it was weird for a five-year-old to go, you know,

because they probably wanted to like

-practice cussing or whatever. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Can't do that with a five-- And that's true.

Middle school kids, they gotta practice cussing.

They don't know how to do it right yet.

It's true, go listen to a bunch of middle school kids talk.

Their cusses don't quite add up yet.

They'll be like...

(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Dude, if my mom doesn't let me spend the night tonight,

I'm gonna burp in a cup and shove it in her pussy."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(NORMALLY) I've heard someone say it. I have.

No, they wanted to be doing that.

They didn't want me there, but my dad was like,

"Dude, just let your little brother go, man."

So, I get to go,

and I'm sitting there across from my brother

and all of his cool buddies, and, you know,

they're just kind of looking at me like...

while the chef is grilling up a bunch of shit.

And the chef notices that I'm the odd man out.

And the chef kind of looks at me and he's like...

Like...

And so the... Shref grills up a shrimp

and he pops that sucker into my mouth.

-I catch it with ease like that. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And my brother and all of his buddies look at me like,

"That's the coolest thing I've ever seen in my--" (LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I'm like, "I'm in. Chef, keep them coming.

Let's go, man."

Chef just keeps on grilling up shrimp

and popping those bad boys into my mouth.

I'm catching them left and right.

And with every shrimp,

my brother loved me just a little bit more.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I remember after, like, the tenth or 11th shrimp,

my dad saying to the chef,

"Hey, man, cool it with the shrimp, pal."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I was like, "No, no, one more, Chef, one more.

One more."

The chef grills up a shrimp, he pops it into my mouth,

I catch it like that,

start chewing it up, try to swallow, I can't,

I throw up all over the table,

and it starts cooking my throw up.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -And it smelled bad.

I ruined my big brother's birthday that night,

'cause I wanted him to love me.

Couldn't tell that chef to stop,

'cause he was doing a really, really good job.

I still can't tell people to stop.

Like, every time I've ever gotten a massage,

-it's too hard and I'm cold. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You ain't gonna hear nothing out of me.

You know, after that whole situation,

me and my big brother became best friends, you know?

And Johnny, he hit a rough patch, I'd say.

A rough patch.

You know, in, like, eighth grade, maybe,

where he sort of stopped communicating

-and just started barking all the time. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And my mom and dad were, like, concerned, and they, like,

took him to get, like, tested and shit,

'cause he was barking probably a year straight.

I'd say six words a day. Other than that, it was a bark.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, they take him to, like,

a bunch of different people to get tested for Tourette's

and autism and all this different shit.

And then eventually they just take him

to a true blue therapist. And the therapist is like,

"Johnny, just tell me, why do you bark?"

And he goes, "'Cause it makes

my little brother laugh really hard."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

WHITMER: That's what kind of man this guy is right here.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

That's a good friend right there.

You know who's a fucking really bad friend?

-Buffalo wings. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Come with me on this. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Buffalo wings is a terrible friend, all right?

Here's how I know.

'Cause pizza, they're killing it.

It's way back in the '80s or whenever pizza was invented.

Pizza's killing it, all right?

Pizza's getting eaten at restaurants.

It's getting delivered.

And pizza's, like, talking to the other pizzas, going,

"You know what? We're kind of killing it, guys.

And I'd like to be able to help someone else out right now

because of all of our success.

We have the time. We have the money.

Let's help someone." And then another pizza's like,

"Yeah, yeah, you know who I really like?

I'm a huge fan of Buffalo wings."

So, pizza tosses Buffalo wings onto the menu.

And now every time you get pizza,

no matter if it's in a restaurant or delivered,

you always have the option for Buffalo wings.

And then Buffalo wings starts popping off,

-building a huge fan base. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

They're getting so big,

they might have to go out on their own,

start their own thing, you know?

Buffalo wing goes, they start their own restaurant.

But who do they have for a side?

They sure as hell don't have pizza,

-I'll tell you that much. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Pizza is nowhere to be found at a Buffalo wing restaurant.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Who does Buffalo wings bring along?

-Fucking French fries. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You son of a bitch.

Not only is Buffalo wings a bad friend,

Buffalo wings is also a fucking idiot.

Because guess what, Buffalo wings?

French fries is not your friend. French fries is burgers' friend.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All right, thanks for walking... walking with me there.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

We were so lucky, you know, like,

we've known each other for so long

and we... we really haven't ever made new friends,

other than this little strange fucker right there.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-I... (CHUCKLES) I love you. -How-- (LAUGHS)

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(CHUCKLES)

WHITMER: We never made new friends.

We would try, we would sort of vet new friends.

Maybe some of y'all have done this.

You ever, like, hang out with a new friend

who says toot instead of fart?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's like, "Buddy, you're on strike two

after holding your nose when you jumped into the pool."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

When Jeramy first moved to L.A., I let him live in my car.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well, he lived in my apartment for a second,

then he got in trouble with my landlord,

so I had to let him live in my car.

And it was nice, he would get off work

and go find wherever my car was parked and he'd go to sleep.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -It was pretty nice.

But one night, I had a girl over,

and around 5:00 a.m., I had to take her home.

And we're driving, driving, driving.

And then in the rearview mirror, she just saw... (GROANS LOUDLY)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

She lets out a blood-curdling scream.

And then I had to go,

"It's okay! He just lives in my car!"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, me and Johnny lived in Birmingham.

And then when I was ten years old,

we moved down to Gulf Shores, Alabama,

which is like a little beach trash town

on the Gulf of Mexico.

Jeramy was actually the first friend

-I ever met down there. -(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

WHITMER: And, you know, I'm walking on the beach,

I'm 11 years old, and I see Jeramy

digging through an ashtray to try to find a cigarette

that hadn't been smoked too much,

so he could get a couple of drags.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

WHITMER: And I go, "What's up, dude?"

And he goes...

(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "What's up, man? My name Jeramy,

and that teenage girl over there is Sally,

and her boyfriend is Nick.

And Sally lets Nick do anal."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(NORMALLY) And I was like, "What's Dewanul?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I went home, and I was like...

(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Johnny, what's Dewanul?"

-(CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(NORMALLY) Anyway, I'm just saying all that to say

you grow up fast as hell

whenever you grow up in a beach trash town.

You grow up real quick, okay?

Mm, all that talk about cigarette, mm.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeramy, pop me a cig, man. Toss me a cig, dawg.

-Thanks. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You got a lighter? (CLICKS TONGUE)

-Come on, Jer. -AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on, man.

-(AUDIENCE MEMBER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) -Fuck it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Mm. Get real buzzed off that. I like that.

I like that buzz.

♪ ("BOARDSHORTS" BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING) ♪

♪ When I was a teen ♪

♪ I took my girl to the beach ♪

♪ And we kissed under a blanket As the sun went down ♪

Give me something, brother.

♪ She sucked on my neck ♪

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

♪ And I touched her breasts ♪

♪ Then her hand crawled up My Billabong board shorts ♪

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -♪ Or maybe they were Volcom ♪

♪ This is the best night Of my life ♪

♪ I said As she tickled my inner thigh ♪

♪ I said, "You're wild" ♪

♪ She said "I haven't even started yet" ♪

♪ She began to graze ♪

♪ My shaft and balls and taint ♪

-♪ And I immediately came ♪ -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

♪ I looked her In her pretty eyes ♪

♪ And profusely apologized ♪

♪ She said, "For what? Why?" ♪

♪ At that moment I realized ♪

♪ That I could see Both of her hands ♪

♪ I lifted up the blanket And I ran ♪

♪ The tiniest little sand crab ♪

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

♪ A crab covered in my cum ♪

♪ Crab covered in cum Crab covered in my cum ♪

♪ Crab covered in cum Crab covered in my cum ♪

♪ Crab covered in cum ♪

♪ Crab covered in my cum ♪

(CHEERS, WHOOPS)

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) -(LIGHTER CLICKS)

WHITMER: You had a lighter the whole time?

Oh, man. (CHUCKLES)

That was a girl crab, by the way.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-How do you know? -What?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: How do you know?

'Cause she was wearing a string bikini.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-I'm a beta male. (LAUGHS) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm a beta male through and through, man.

I wish I was an alpha male.

That'd be great, like a big old guy.

Like a... I don't know. (CHUCKLES)

Driving his truck around with an energy drink,

just going like, "Hubba-hubba," or whatever.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Hubba-hubba." You know, alpha male stuff.

That'd be so cool.

By the way, every time I see an alpha male,

like, drinking one of them big ol' Monster energy drinks,

-I'm like, "Aw, he's sleepy." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

That's sweet.

Beta male, beta male,

I'm a beta male through and through.

And the most beta move of all time,

the other night I had a wet dream

-where I was jacking off. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I wasn't hooking up with Carmen Electra,

nothing like-- I wasn't even hooking up with a crab.

I was just jacking off to completion...

-in my dark little room. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm not a smart guy, but I have a lot of thoughts.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I think I get it from my dad. Like, my dad

is very emotionally intelligent, you know?

But, you know, he suffers a little bit in the brain game.

Like, when I was a super little kid,

I remember he took me to see the movie Toy Story,

and I remember

about ten minutes into the movie,

my dad saying to himself, he goes...

"Oh, this is a cartoon."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It took him ten minutes.

Ten minutes!

I asked him about it recently, and he was like...

(ANGRILY) "Of course I remember that, dude!

I had never seen anything like that before!

I knew the toys was clearly a cartoon, but at first,

all you see is the human legs, and they look real!"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(NORMALLY) One time, my dad, for Christmas,

got me a Neil Diamond Greatest Hits CD.

And he goes, "Dude, I just thought, man,

I remember last Christmas

you were talking about Neil Diamond,

and so I figured I'd get you the Greatest Hits CD."

And I was like, "I don't know,

maybe I was talking about him last Christmas

because last Christmas

you got me the Neil Diamond Greatest Hits CD."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You can't fault him on--

You know, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, though,

because a long time ago,

I went to see that movie Curious Case of Benjamin Button,

but I accidentally walked into the Harvey Milk movie

starring Sean Penn.

It took me 45 minutes before I was like,

"I don't think that old baby's showing up."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Stupid as hell.

It is cool, though, being from Alabama. Like...

Like, when you think about superheroes, you know,

like New York has Spider-Man, Detroit has Robocop,

L.A. has Iron Man, but Alabama has the best superhero of all.

-We've got Forrest Gump. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

A lot of people don't think of him as super,

but he's definitely super. His powers are...

(IMITATES FORREST GUMP) ...he can run really fast...

(NORMALLY) ...and he can affect history

in charming and sometimes heartwarming ways.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

People don't think about that. They don't think about that.

When I was a little kid,

I wanted to get bit by a radioactive hillbilly

so that I'd become Forrest Gump one day.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(CLEARS THROAT)

WHITMER: What's up?

You got something for me, Jer?

-Oh, you have a thought too? -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All right, Jeramy writes...

"Not all seafood comes from the sea."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"They should call seafood water food."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) -WHITMER: That's pretty good.

No, no, no, I ain't bright, I ain't bright.

The first time-- The first time I ever got condoms

when I was 15 years old,

-I bought a 48-pack. (CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Do you know how depressing it is the day you graduate high school

-to throw away 47 condoms? -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You don't feel good.

We'd get into trouble a lot as kids,

and I think it's 'cause we all had slow Wi-Fi.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -I'd be like, "Ah, shit,

it's gonna take eight hours for Road Trip to download."

Guess I'll go cut my neighbor's bike in half.

I'm pretty sure the only reason our mom tried to order

a year's supply of OxyContin off of OxyContin.com

is 'cause she was waiting

for "Soak Up the Sun" by Sheryl Crow to download.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I can't take cops seriously

because I grew up in a small town

and our town was so small

that specific cops would pull my mom over

just to ask her out on a date.

And now every time I see the lights flashing behind me,

I get pulled over and then he walks up to my car,

I'm like, "Ah, shit, another gay cop's about to ask me out."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

No, because our parents were always kind of fucking around

doing their own thing, we could just do whatever we want.

Like, we would ride our bikes around town

doing Stranger Things kids shit.

Actually, I don't know why I use them as a reference.

That's not true at all. If the amount of things

that happened to those Stranger Things kids in one day

happened to me over the course of my entire life,

-I would fucking kill myself. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Oh, what's that, Mike? We gotta go save Eleven,

'cause the Upside Down world's coming back?

No, Mike, I'm not gonna hop on my bike and help.

I'm gonna go home,

and I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

'Cause it ain't getting any easier, Mike.

They're just gonna keep on coming, Mike."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

There should be one final episode of that show

where all those kids go to their parents' gun closet...

they grab their fucking gun, they put it in their mouth,

and they pull the fucking trigger.

And that final episode should justifiably

-be called "Normal Things." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

You all support child suicide.

Cool. Alabama has, like, a lot of serious shit they wanna say,

but they can't say it in a way to where it's not funny.

Like, no joke,

the pro-life signs in our hometown

are written in Comic Sans.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

They want to make a statement,

but they're just a little bit too silly. (LAUGHS)

That's all.

We had a lot of tourists coming to our town.

And one of the main things they would do

is look for sand crabs on the beach

at night with flashlights.

It was usually like a family, you know,

on the shore looking for sand crabs.

They'd walk up and down. And Clay came up with this idea

for us to take turns just like at night,

just sort of like laying face down in the shore

and just kind of washing up as they approached.

That way, it was usually, like, a dad

and a couple kids, you know.

They would be walking up to us, and then, you know,

they would shine a flashlight on--

They would shine a flashlight onto a dead child. (LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And you could hear outside the water the dad go...

(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Kids, go back to the condo."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(NORMALLY) They would run off, and then eventually

the dad would touch you,

and as soon as the dad touched you, you'd go...

-(SCREAMS) ...and run. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It was awesome. It was really, really funny.

But now I'm getting older

and I think about it and I regret it.

I fully, completely regret doing that,

because those kids have lived their entire life.

You know, now they're 30 years old,

and they've lived their whole lives

telling their friends,

"No, yeah, when we were kids,

we discovered a dead child in the shore.

We ran back to the condo, completely traumatized,

and our dad, being a nice dad, tried to calm us down by saying,

'Don't worry, it was just a prank.'"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I totally regret it.

It's all right. I regret a lot of shit.

Every day, I-- I regret doing this right now.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm-- I think it's good to be consumed with regret

at every waking moment. It's good.

It shows you got some self-awareness, all right?

Every time I've ever met somebody who says, "No regrets,"

-it's the worst person I've ever met in my life. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

♪ ("MOST LIKELY" BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING) ♪

♪ There should be a room At every party ♪

♪ Where you can just sit And watch a movie ♪

♪ But I make a fool of myself The moment I open my mouth ♪

♪ If I could kick my own ass I'd knock myself out ♪

One, two, three, four.

-♪ (ELECTRONIC DRUM FILL PLAYS) ♪ -WHITMER: Whoo!

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

♪ You know you're in a rut ♪

♪ When you only think About the past ♪

♪ Romanticize the days ♪

♪ When you were too broke For a therapist ♪

♪ I wanna be too jaded To be sentimental ♪

♪ Self-referential Or existential ♪

♪ People who say no regrets ♪

♪ Have most likely done Some fucked up shit ♪

♪ Most likely, likely ♪

♪ Imposter syndrome's a bitch ♪

♪ Man, when you move In a new direction ♪

♪ Everyone can dance With nobody paying attention ♪

♪ Ain't meant for introspection Just wanna roll around in dirt ♪

♪ Doc don't make me do no work ♪

♪ Look what you did You little jerk ♪

♪ Doc don't make me do no work ♪

♪ Look what you did You little jerk ♪

♪ People who say no regrets ♪

♪ Have most likely done Some fucked up shit ♪

♪ Most likely, likely I like doing impressions ♪

♪ I forgot the sound Of my voice ♪

♪ Every email I've ever sent Ends with exclamation points ♪

♪ I'm hardcore ashamed Wide-eyed and adoring ♪

♪ Been a full 15 minutes Since I said I'm sorry ♪

All right, Johnny!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

♪ (PICKS GUITAR) ♪

-Fuck! -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

♪ People who say no regrets ♪

♪ Have most likely done Some fucked up shit ♪

♪ Most likely, likely ♪

♪ People who say no regrets ♪

♪ Have most likely done Some fucked up shit ♪

♪ Most likely, likely ♪

♪ I got an ocean of shame ♪

-♪ The wisdom of a puppy ♪ -(IMITATES BARK)

♪ Dog paddling against the waves Looking happy go lucky ♪

-♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪ -(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Good show, everybody, I'm Cornholio,

I need toilet paper for my asshole.

How's everybody doing out there tonight?

Just need some toilet paper for my asshole.

'Cause I am Cornholio.

I try to think of what, like, made me who I am.

I've been trying to figure that out forever,

and I think I kind of whittled it down

to one night of my life,

which was when we had just moved to this new town,

Gulf Shores, right? I didn't know nobody yet.

My dad had left. I was really sad.

And my mom had gotten into some trouble,

and so she had to quit drinking.

And that night, I was really sad,

and my mom was trying to put me to bed,

and she would do this thing whenever I was sad,

where she would trace my back,

and she would say this little thing where she'd go,

"X marks the spot with a dot, dot, dot,

and a dash, dash, dash, and a great big question mark.

Chills go up, chills go down, chills go all around.

Give a breeze. (BLOWS AIR) And a squeeze."

And right when she said squeeze, she had a seizure.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And she fell on top of me and started seizing up.

And then she bit her tongue off.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

'Cause she was going into withdrawals,

and then she fell onto the ground, kept seizing up.

I thought she was dying.

But after a little while, she came to,

and she just, like, looked up at me,

and she was like, "What happened?"

And I was like, "Can't I just have one moment?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well, no, then I called my grandparents,

and my grandparents came and got her,

and then they just left me and Johnny there.

And, yeah, that was it.

I remember just sitting in my blood bed, uh...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...thinking, well, this is what Blink-182

was talking about whenever they sang,

"I guess this is growing up." (BLOWS RASPBERRY) That's this.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -♪ (SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I kind of knew that whatever my mom was going through

was way worse than whatever

I was gonna end up going through.

So, I... I didn't ever wanna be a problem or an obligation.

If anything, I wanted to be a distraction for her.

But she was gone for a while, and me and Johnny just ended up,

you know, living with different random family members

or sleeping on these guys' couches.

It was weird.

It was kind of like living like a storm

was gonna break over you at any time,

and you just had to be ready to pick up and move.

And it didn't help because there's real storms

where we're from. There's hurricanes.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, it's kind of like a double whammy, you know?

But I'd always find a silver lining,

like, um... like, uh...

A lot of people don't know this,

but after hurricanes, something cool happens,

which is that you get hurricane treasure.

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

Like this one time, I got the whole Waffle House sign

-in my front yard. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

WHITMER: I slapped that puppy on my roof. I was like...

(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Y'all gotta come over.

It's just like going to a real Waffle House."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(NORMALLY) It was great, man.

We were all going through some kind of hell as kids,

and we didn't really have to talk about it.

You know, these are my best friends.

We just kind of understood each other.

And why would we talk about it?

Why would we ruin our Saturday

of shooting Roman candles at a port-a-potty?

-(FIREWORK BANGS) -KID 1: (LAUGHS) Oh, shit!

We could sense it, you know?

Clay could sense something was going on with me,

and he'd be like...

(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Dude, guess what, man?

I figured out how to steal chicken tenders

out the trash behind a Walmart."

(NORMALLY) And then we would go do that,

and all of our problems would be solved.

I'm so lucky

-to have these guys. -(KID 2 SCREAMS)

-(FARTS) -(KID 3 LAUGHS)

(RETCHES, CHUCKLES)

There's this interview with Jake Phelps,

the editor of Thrasher magazine.

He's describing a group of skaters in San Francisco

bombing a hill into the fog as "a terminal crew of dudes."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Which I think is so poetic, you know?

And I look at my friends up here tonight like that,

my terminal crew of dudes.

-We've grown up together, which is a trip. -KID 4: Fuck yeah!

WHITMER: We've gotten to grow up together.

Especially with Jeramy.

Jeramy's literally addicted to getting run over by cars.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -WHITMER: But we made it, man.

We're gonna be all right. My terminal crew.

Except we're not bombing a hill into the fog or anything.

We're just, like, skating something low-impact

under a bridge with a bunch of shirtless boys.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Up until recently, I kind of let my parents' decisions

dictate pretty much everything I've ever done, you know?

I kind of thought for the longest time

that I was a product of them,

but in reality, I'm a product of my friends,

and I've felt so taken care of because of them.

You know, like... I never drank or anything because I was scared

after seeing whatever happened to my mom.

But I feel like I really know who I am now, and...

I... I'm here to say tonight to all you folks

that, uh, I started drinking.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-♪ (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC RISING) ♪ -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-It's awesome. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Yeah. It's really cool.

I'm hoping I get addicted to something this year.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -You just wait.

♪ (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

♪ Kids, you're still young ♪

♪ On the sand in the sun ♪

♪ Carving a castle And piling it high ♪

♪ Digging a moat To keep away the bad guys ♪

♪ One day your grief will be ♪

♪ Like a blanket you carry ♪

♪ A star you are gonna Wish upon ♪

♪ A feeling you are gonna bury ♪

♪ And the deflector of heaviness Is your cool little outfit ♪

♪ It's a pair Of shit-kicking boots ♪

♪ And a leather jacket ♪

♪ Why are you still wearing Your mom's rhinestone belt? ♪

♪ It's the best day Of your life ♪

♪ Or the worst That you ever felt ♪

♪ And in times of uncertainty There's nothing you're above ♪

♪ You only criticize the work Of everyone you're jealous of ♪

♪ And you long for the calamity That you hope to forget ♪

♪ So caught up in a daydream You'll never see ♪

♪ You're living it ♪

♪ Old Buzz and Junebug ♪

♪ Are you still having fun? ♪

♪ A shell for a window With a view of the sea ♪

♪ A stage to tap dance For infinity ♪

♪ Looks like you wasted All your time ♪

♪ Trying to make Something profound ♪

♪ And you watched your ball ♪

♪ Ping the goal post Out of bounds ♪

♪ All them things you won't try In fear of wanting too much ♪

♪ You blew away All your eyelashes ♪

♪ Trying to shake Your shit low ♪

♪ And you mythologize the place Where you come from ♪

♪ You impersonate the people That you hope to become ♪

♪ But don't you go acting Like no one's got your back ♪

♪ Your brother's barking at ya ♪

(AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS)

♪ Trying to make you laugh ♪

♪ And so the tide will come ♪

♪ There's no golden one ♪

♪ Your castle will crumble And your shoulders will fry ♪

♪ You see, man ♪

♪ You ain't gotta try so hard All the time ♪

♪ So dip them toes Into the shore ♪

♪ Sunscreen stinging your eyes ♪

♪ And wrap your cast In a garbage bag ♪

♪ Float into the horizon ♪

♪ You will feel ♪

♪ You will feel most lost On the road you know by heart ♪

♪ But ain't it fun ♪

♪ Ain't it fun To build sandcastles ♪

♪ Just to tear them ♪

♪ Apart? ♪

-♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪ -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

Oh, shit.

I forgot, okay, this is a weird, uh...

So, when I walked in here, somebody handed me a letter.

Uh, this is weird,

-but I'm just gonna read it. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

Someone handed me this right when I walked in,

which I thought was strange, but here we go.

"Dear Whit, I'm also from down south,

and I just wanted to say

that your comedy has inspired me to try comedy myself."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"I grew up with an alcoholic mom too."

-(AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) -Yeah.

"She passed away five years ago."

Fucking hell.

"Watching your stand-up has helped me

get through one of the most difficult times in my life."

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

"I know it's probably lame, but I wrote a joke

that I wanted you to hear because you inspire me so much."

Okay.

"Why do girls always carry around

these big-ass water bottles?"

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

"The water bottles are getting bigger, folks,

-and the girls are loving them." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Basically, these bitches are carrying around a bathtub

-with a straw in it." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"You'd think these filthy bitches would have

-biceps bigger than The Rock." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Open your own damn pickle jar, you hog bitch."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Thanks for inspiring me to do comedy."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Uh, okay. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

After my mom got out of rehab,

it was one of the best times of my whole life.

By then, I had gone to school, I had met my friends,

and it was my birthday,

and so my mom let me have my friends over

to watch movies for my birthday party.

And we're all sitting there watching movies with my mom,

and then she goes to sleep.

As soon as my mom closes her bedroom door,

Jeramy goes...

(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Dude, we should go to the Spice Channel."

(NORMALLY) For those of y'all who don't know...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Jeramy. -(CHUCKLES)

For those of y'all who don't know,

the Spice Channel is like the porn channel, Channel 59.

You gotta rent it. And I was like,

"Dude, there's nothing ever on the Spice Channel.

It just comes in fuzzy." And he goes...

(YELLING) "Go to the Spice Channel, please!

Please, God, please! I need this! I need Spice!"

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -He needed Spice, I don't know.

-Spice is nice. -Spice is nice. (CHUCKLES)

So, I agree. Fine. I go to the Spice Channel.

And on this day, my 11th birthday,

the Spice Channel is coming in clear as day.

No joke. And it's just the porn of a bunch of women going down

on each other in an alleyway. Pretty cool.

So, me and all my buddies do the thing that little kids do

when something good happens, which is this. "Hoh!"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

Looking good, fellas. We still got it.

We're all doing that, and I do the good friend thing,

which is I go to the hall closet,

and I grab a bunch of blankets, and I go,

"Here's your blanket to jack off under,

and you get a blanket to jack off under.

Here's your blanket." Johnny wasn't there.

Johnny was probably driving around in his van

with his girlfriend listening to Deftones.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Anyway, so all my fellas are so excited,

they can't wait to jack off.

I distinctly remember hearing the loudest un-Velcroing

of board shorts you've ever heard.

-Just... (ROARS) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

They're all raring to go, and I go, "Hold up, fellas.

Before we all start jacking off together,

I gotta make sure my mom's asleep,

'cause I don't want her walking in here

while we're all jacking off together on my 11th birthday.

-That might be weird for her." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, I go to my mom's door.

They're all sitting just like this, all right?

That's them.

And my mom's door's about here. The TV's here. I go in.

I kind of creak the door open real quiet, and I peek in there,

and I look around.

And I look to the left, and I see that just, like,

there's a flickering of the TV,

and I'm like, "Okay, interesting."

I dip my head in there a little further,

and I see on my mom's TV is the porn

of all the women going down on each other in the alley.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-"What the heck?" -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

And I thought to myself, "Okay, well, maybe my mom fell asleep,

and then she rolled onto the remote,

and then she went to there,

and then she accidentally rolled onto her phone,

and then she slept-talked her credit card information

into her phone, and then she rented

the Spice Channel for the night."

So, I get my head in there a little further,

and I see that my mom is wide awake.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And my mom has a blanket of her own.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, uh... I just sort of very quietly close the door...

and I put my head against it, and I think...

I had been through a lot that year.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I seen a lot of stuff I wasn't supposed to see.

We all kind of were going through it.

We had to make a big change in our life

and we were all lonely and learning how to be

in this new place, this new life.

I felt bad for my mom.

Walked back to the couch.

I sat with my pals.

And I un-Velcroed my board shorts.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-(IMITATES VELCRO RIPPING) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

My pals are all smiling, excited.

-(CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I give them the go-ahead, start jacking off.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's the best night of Jeramy's life.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And you know...

I start jacking off too.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I looked around the room at all these smiling faces.

And I'm pretty sure that night...

all my pals thought that I was jacking off with them.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I was jacking off with my mom.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC RISING) ♪

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

And, you know, don't worry about me.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm fine.

I just have the sudden urge to go inside.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

♪ Well, how lucky Can one guy be? ♪

♪ I found some pals As dumb as me ♪

♪ My tears dissolve Into the sea ♪

♪ Hit with the choppy waves Of memories ♪

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) -♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ Well, our house got blown Into the bay ♪

♪ We didn't like it There anyway ♪

♪ And Johnny got himself a van ♪

♪ And we ran away To Birmingham ♪

♪ Well, get the van, man Johnny, I got the itch ♪

♪ Let's hit the road And hold on to that death wish ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't wanna go ♪

♪ Through them white sand dunes Without my terminal ♪

♪ My terminal crew of dudes ♪

♪ And so, Jer quit school And left town ♪

♪ Work nights at Waffle House ♪

♪ He put his pay check on red ♪

♪ Had to move back home again ♪

♪ That's the trouble With winning ♪

♪ You gotta Have something to lose ♪

♪ And coming up Don't feel so good ♪

♪ If you ain't Never been screwed ♪

♪ Well, get the van, man Johnny, I got the itch ♪

♪ Let's hit the road And hold on to that death wish ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't even know ♪

♪ How to sing the blues Without my terminal ♪

♪ My terminal crew of dudes ♪

(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

♪ And we're too cynical To pray ♪

♪ And too wound up to meditate ♪

♪ Just tumbling through That by and by ♪

♪ Some beach rats ♪

-♪ Flying into the night sky ♪ -(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

♪ Well, get the van, man Johnny, I got the itch ♪

♪ Let's hit the road And hold on to that death wish ♪

♪ 'Cause I could Never go through ♪

♪ What I've been through Without my terminal ♪

♪ My terminal crew of dudes ♪

♪ Terminal crew of dudes ♪

♪ Terminal crew of dudes ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

(SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)